252. 1+1=11: Great Relationships Don’t Make You Smaller … They Elevate You

Most people treat relationships and partnerships like 1 + 1 = 2—two individuals simply adding each other to life. But there’s a better formula: 1 + 1 = 11.

In this episode of Mindset Café, we break down the metaphor that a great relationship doesn’t make you shrink, dilute yourself, or lose your identity. You stay a “1,” your partner stays a “1,” and together you become “11”—a stronger, higher-standard force than either of you alone.

We talk about public persona vs private reality, why “0.5 + 0.5 = 1” relationships create resentment, how complementary strengths create real synergy, and the habits and standards that turn love, friendship, and business partnerships into something that actually multiplies your life.

Transcript

One Plus One Equals Eleven Mindset

Losing Yourself Versus Staying Whole

Alignment Of Values Over Hobbies

Elevation Through Complementary Strengths

Communication As The Plus Sign

Accountability And Conflict Style

Principles, Standards, And Boundaries

From One Plus One To One Versus One

Final Reflection And Year Close

SPEAKER_00 0:20

What is up, guys? Welcome to another episode of the Mindset Cafe Podcast. It's your boy Devin Gonzalez. And I just want to say, you know, congratulations for making it through the year. You know, we're nearing the new the end of the year. Um, and with that, you know, the next episode we'll go into um, you know, some New Year's resolution stuff and some mindset things around that. But today I wanted to kind of cover something that I want you to kind of recap your year in a specific mindset of your relationships, of your partnerships, um, whether it's professional, whether it's you know, significant other uh friends, whatever the case may be. But I want you to recap your year and your interactions with your circle because today's topic, I heard this, I heard this uh I guess analogy, but it's one plus one equals eleven. Right? And most people are doing the well, you know, one plus one equals two, or you know, a half and a half equal one. And no, honestly, like this this whole thing really made me think about that that meaning of one plus one equals 11. Because it's it's not about the math, it's about the identity and about the the meaning behind it, right? The the key idea of it is that one plus one stay as two ones side by side, they stay intact, right? Sorry if my voice is going a little out in and out, you know, kind of a little under the weather, but you don't become a watered-down version of yourself to be with someone else or to partner with someone else, right? To make a whole, right? You stay intact and you stay you, and that's what brings that value to the equation for the other person, right? The 11, it's honestly it is it's a kind of a flex, right? If you're in a relationship, that's a one plus one equals eleven kind of a relationship or partnership or friendship, right? Like that is something that a lot of people struggle to be. And the why the reason it's a flex on on other relationships is because you don't disappear together, right? Many relationships will fail because one person feels like they are dissolving to or their identity essentially dissolves, you know, or their goals or their standards to be in a relationship or in a partnership or side by side with this other person, right? Some people think that a partnership means that you're merging into one person or into one whole, and that's not it. That's called losing yourself, that's called losing the value that you bring to the table. So think about this. In I mean, we'll take it to the extreme, right? If let's say you're you're all about working out, and you know, hopefully you are, but let's say you're all about working out and your significant other is not, and so you start skipping workouts and you start, you know, kind of being lazy and eating the junk food and all kind of stuff, and then all of a sudden you start to become like them, and you start to resent that them for that a little bit, and that resentment starts to build up. And in your mind, you are kind of thinking, Well, I gave up for us, like I gave up on my fitness journey because I wanted to be with you, and like that's not that's not it, right? You guys don't have to always do everything the same, you guys and have separate goals, you guys and have you know your own lives and your own ambitions, but you guys should be on the same journey and same path that you guys have a a similar or a common goal or a common you know destination that you guys are going for, right? Because at the end of the day, the the enemy formula of this one plus one equals 11 is that half plus half equals one, right? Because that it's a trap, right? That codependence, you know, is kind of disguised as closeness, right? If you have to shrink to become chosen, that's not alignment, that's negotiation with your identity, right? For example, you stop seeing friends, or you stop pursuing your goals, or you stop being disciplined, and then you blame the relationship for that. Like that that's not the relationship's fault. You chose to do those things, right? You chose to shrink down to fit a role that you thought you had to fit, when in reality that was not the person that that partner or that significant other signed on to be with, anyways. Like they didn't sign on for you to become like them or to fit into this box, right? You brought something to the table, and what that actually means is you brought a standard or you brought a um a value to the to the table to the relationship, right? Because value isn't just you know looks or money or it uh vibes, you know, it's standards. A great partner isn't just smart, they're consistent, they keep their promises, they show up when it's boring, right? The each of you, the two ones, need alignment, need alignment, not sameness. Right, I'll say that again. Both of you guys need alignment, alignment, not sameness. You don't have to be the same person, you're not trying to be one, you just need to be in alignment of where you guys are going. But you can stay true to yourself and still move in that direction. The key distinction for this is that knowing that you guys have shared values, and that's gonna be greater than having maybe shared hobbies. Your shared values is what the relationship is about. You don't need identical personalities, you don't need, I mean, man, if me and my wife had identical personalities, that that shit would not work, I'll tell you that. Right? I'm a little more sarcastic, straightforward. She is definitely not, right? But at the same time, if she was, okay. I'm you know, that wasn't a thing I was looking for was someone with completely opposite personality of me. Like, that's her being her and her own personality is that that is a value that I see in her. And same with me, right? She doesn't want me to be soft, she doesn't want me to try to be someone that I'm not. But what you do need in a relationship or partnership or whatever the case may be is identical commitment to the growth, to honesty, and to respect for not just yourselves, but for each other. And not just for each other, but yourselves. So both ways, it's a two-way street on that. Okay. I want like I want the importance of the 11 to also kind of bring bring light to the fact that it's you know the two is obviously less than 11, but when both of you guys are your true selves and you guys are elevating each other, right? You're not just moving up a little bit forward to that second position, too, but it can elevate you and shoot you way up and make you to the per elevate you to the person that you know you can be, or that they know you can be, right? Because sometimes you have self-doubt, sometimes you have you know moments of you know contemplation in your head of you know, am I doing the right thing, or whatever the case may be, and that that's they're your person to lean on, right? Let's say in a business partnership, one person might be the visionary, you know, the person that does the branding or the relationships, and the other person is a lot stronger on their operations and execution and systems, but together, both of those bring speed and stability and growth, right? So both of you guys can't be the same all the time in every direction, or else that's like you're not that's not a an effective partnership, right? The in the equation one plus one, that plus sign, I don't want you to think that it's just like oh me and someone else. Like that plus sign isn't just an and that's communication, right? You and another person that are in great communication with each other, that can be honest with each other, that can tell each other if yo you're not you're not doing this, and you're not you're not living up to who you you could be, that's that's great communication, right? Two strong people can still crash if there isn't translation that needs to be had, or if there's no boundaries that are set, or expectations that are set, right? Whether it's a a relationship or whether it's a business partnership, realize there's still expectations, there's still boundaries, but also there still needs to be communication of those things. You guys aren't mind readers, and neither is the other person. So make sure that you know that that communication is the bond that is gonna allow you guys to elevate because people don't fight because they hate each other, most of the time, honestly, they fight because they just assume or they misinterpreted or they avoided or they stayed silent for too long, which turned into resentment. Like communication is the thing that solves most of those. So take that into consideration, and maybe that's something that you need to work on so that you can be a one plus one equals eleven relationship or partnership or friendship, right? Most relationships don't really fall apart in those big moments, they slowly erode in the small ones, and even though the moment can seem like it came in past, and you think everything is fine, if there was no communication to recap or to discuss why something made you feel a certain way, then how does that other person know to not do that again? Or how does that other person know you felt a certain way if you hit it, you know, emotionally because you guys are in public? Like it's gonna happen again. That's where that communication is so crucial, right? The 11 effect though, it comes it comes around because of accountability, right? The goal isn't really to manage each other, it's more to sharpen each other, if that makes sense, right? Because you're not trying to manage the other person, right? That's not that's not a relationship. You're there to sharpen or elevate each other, which elevates both you guys. A great partner isn't gonna let you spiral unchecked, they're good not gonna but they're also not gonna shame you. They're gonna call you up, they're not gonna call you out in public, right? You have to realize in a relationship, especially one thing I've heard and I thought was was so awesome of a point, is in public, you guys never discuss your guys' arguments in front of other people. Right? That's that's your guys' business. You defend, you you know all that kind of stuff, you lift someone up, all that stuff, and then in private, you guys can talk about how you felt. You can, you know, have your arguments and so forth, right? Because conflict isn't gonna be the red flag. It's really not. If you guys aren't fighting or don't have a little bit of conflict every now and then, that might be kind of a red flag, right? Who in red flag meaning that who is starting to merge their identity or belittle their identity to fit the relationship? Because that's not gonna last very long before the person gets bottled up so tight that they can't, you know, do it anymore, right? So conflict's not the red flag, it's the style of conflict that is right. Every partnership, every relationship is gonna have friction. The question is though, whether the friction produces light or a fire. Right? Do we fight to win or do we fight to understand? I'll repeat that part again because I honestly I think that is so crucial maybe for you to realize going into this new year, how you handle your relationships and your conversations or your communication with people is every partnership, every relationship, every friendship, it's gonna have friction. But the question is whether the friction produces light, meaning understanding, or fire, right, which is going to burn the relationship. Are you fighting to win the fight or the win the argument? Or are you fighting to understand where they're coming from and for them to understand where you're coming from? Realize that with that part, great partnerships, you know, relationships, friendships, whatever what may have you, they're not built on just feelings and vibes and all the other foo-foo, you know, BS. They're built on principles, right? Principles, standards of what you what are your non-negotiables, what are their non-negotiables, where are you trying to get to, what kind of goals do you have, and so forth. Those that alignment is what uh makes a great partnership, friendship, relationship. Again, whatever the case may be. But I just want to kind of close with the fact that even though there's gonna be friction, which is good, right? Because that's how you understand and that's how you elevate, the more you understand, the more knowledge that you have, the better equipped you are to move forward, right? But the warning sign in that is when the eleven starts to turn into not one plus one, but one versus one, right? Because one versus one does not equal eleven. That equals zero, right? That's the fastest way to kill a relationship, to kill a partnership, to kill a friendship, is turning everything into a competition or resentment. What I mean by that is I do more than you, I always initiate, I am always the responsible one, I'm always blah blah blah blah blah. Right? So if you feel like those kind of conversations are being had, maybe set some boundaries, maybe set some expectations, maybe define your your your roles in the relationship, in the partnership. Right? And set those set it so everyone is underst understood of what is expected, what is required, and so forth. Right? Are you in I just want you to think of it with about this part too, is like, are you in a relationship that makes you more you or less you? I challenge you to think about your relationship, to think about your friendships, your partnerships, whatever the case may be, professionally, romantically. Are you in a relationship that makes you more you makes you more of you or less of you? Because if the answer is less of you, you might want to reevaluate, or it's maybe it's time for a conversation. And that conversation will allow you to start to feel more like you and allow the relationship to start to elevate to an 11. With that being said, though, guys, I appreciate you guys. I love you guys. Thank you guys for all the support. If you guys ever have any questions, feel free to shoot uh over a DM and make sure you guys have a great rest of your year and let's kill it next year in 2026.