254. The Loneliness Curve of Leadership

Leadership comes with influence, clarity, and responsibility — but it also comes with a quieter, rarely discussed cost: loneliness.
In this episode of Mindset Café, we break down The Loneliness Curve of Leadership — why, as your responsibility increases, relatability and emotional support often decrease. We explore how influence changes relationships, why clarity separates you from others, and why strong leaders are often assumed to need less support.
This episode reframes leadership loneliness not as a flaw, but as a structural reality — and gives you practical ways to manage it without burning out or isolating yourself.

Transcript

The Loneliness Curve Explained

Why Venting Down Breaks Teams

Clarity, Distance, And Truth Systems

You Didn’t Outgrow Them, Your Role Did

Build Peers, Mentors, And Outlets

Solitude As A Tool, Not Escape

Thinking Time And Tough Questions

Emotional Discipline And Healthy Boundaries

The Trade: Comfort Or Influence

Three-Step Assignment And Closing

SPEAKER_00 0:22

The problem isn't that leadership is lonely. The problem is you haven't built the right rooms with the right peers. What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of the Mindset Cafe Podcast. It's your boy Devin, and today's leadership, right? The part that nobody posts or nobody talks about. And here's the truth Leadership doesn't just raise your impact, it shrinks your circle. It doesn't just raise your impact, it shrinks your circle, right? Leadership doesn't leadership it weighs heavy, right? And so most people don't know this, but that's the why when they get weird, they get weird when it happens, right? They think something is wrong with them. So I'm going to try to make this simple. I'm going to try to you know give you maybe some rules or some ways to manage it because loneliness is part of the job, right? Part of the job description. Isolation, though, is your choice. So let's dive in, right? Most people think that success brings more connections, right? More friends, more support, more. I got you. And sometimes, maybe at first, sure. But over time, it starts to flip. Because when you become the decision maker, people talk to you differently, right? They don't really vent to you the same, they don't challenge you the same, they don't tell you the full truth the same as they used to. Not because they're bad or you're bad or anything of that nature, but it's because the relationship dynamic has changed. And if you don't understand that, you'll start chasing the old version of your life, of the old version of your circles. You'll start trying to be relatable and you know, try to keep everyone close to you, right? Start it, that's just a mistake. So if I could define like what this is, it's it's essentially like the loneliness curve, you know. I like to say, and if I had to kind of define it for you, the little loneliness curve it goes something like this, right? The more responsibility you carry, the fewer people can relate to you, um, and relate to what you're holding. That's it. More responsibility, uh, fewer peers, more influence, more just uh more distance, more clarity, right? But more separation. Loneliness isn't a personality flaw in this scenario, it's a byproduct. If you lead, you're gonna end up carrying the weight. If you carry the weight, few people, fewer people can carry it with you or relate to you in what you're carrying, and pretty much that's the curve. So the next like part is like why does responsibility you know kill maybe your outlets of you know, when you're able to explain some of the the weight that you're carrying, and to make it simple, people depend on you now. You can't vent the same way because venting down, to be honest, is stupid. If you're the owner of a business, you don't dump your fear on your team. If you do, here's what's gonna happen you vent, they absorb it, then they panic, and then they slow down, right? They gossip, and that makes the moves you end up making, or they make you know, dumb moves, right? Then you have to clean up the mess that you essentially created. So you stop, you start editing, you start holding back, not because you're fake or you you think you're better than anyone else or anything like that, because you're responsible. And this is the part that leaders don't admit, right? You don't, it's not that you stop having emotions, you just start running out of safe places to essentially put them or share them, and that's where that loneliness starts and starts to creep in. Not at the top of the mountain, but in real life, right? It's not just a little quote, a little saying, you know, um it's all of a sudden you might feel that loneliness on a random Tuesday, right? When something hits and you can't really talk about it to your own people, right? Then here's a little set of like rules essentially you could follow, right? Rule number one, make sure you don't vent down, right? You don't want to vent down to your team, you don't want to vent down to the people under you in any any form or fashion, right? Build a place to vent maybe sideways or even up, right? Hiring a coach, you know, find like-minded people that are also in your same position, right? So that way you can vent to them, you can you know get some advice from them, right? So, rule number one don't vent down, vent sideways or up, sideways equals peers, you know, up equal equals either mentors, coaches, or advisors. And the reason again for that is just because your peers can handle it, they get it, they're going through it. Your mentors, they can handle it. You know, they've been there. Your team, they need clarity, they need direction, right? They need calm, they need certainty, right? They need to believe that you know what you're doing. So if you're thinking, but I want to be transparent, cool. But be transparent about the plan, not about your panic. Clarity makes you harder to relate to, I would say, right? To maybe the next piece, right? Clarity isolates the clearer you are, the lonely you're gonna get. And honestly, here's why when you see the path, you stop tolerating nonsense, excuses start to feel a little bit weak, indecision feels draining, complaining. Just feels like a waste of time, and then you start to notice something. A lot of people essentially bond through complaining, and that's because they don't really want a solution, they want to share, they want to have a shared emotional spiral, and you used to join in on it that you're human because you were in it too, and then you leveled up, and now you're like, Okay, I get it, but what's the move? And they now look at you maybe like a robot or um you know, someone that doesn't understand anymore, and no, you just got clearer on a bigger picture. Transparent uh clarity separates you from people who live in essentially a more blurred, unclear, like they don't see the whole game board, you know. And it's not confusion, I would say, but it's not your arrogance either, right? So I don't want you to think that you know, because some people think that maybe you know you're you're leveling up and now you think you're better than everyone. It's not that, right? It's just growth, and so influence your influence on them and the direction of whatever the company or the team, right? It changes how people talk to you, right? And this part really matters when your opinion starts to carry weight, people filter, less honestly, more yes, more fake agreements, and why? Because conflict has a cost now, right? People don't want friction with the person who can say yes or no, even outside the business, right? It's gonna happen if you guys go out and about that for some reason the roles don't get left, right? Friends start saying, you know, whatever you think or whatever you want, you know, you decide, you know, and it sounds like respect, but maybe not always respect. Sometimes it's just fear, sometimes it's avoidance, and sometimes it's them not wanting to be wrong around you or seem like they don't have the answer or understand what's going on, and there's a cost to that. You get less truth, less truth, less truth equals worse decisions. So the higher you go, the more you must design a system around getting the truth. You don't hope for honesty, you have to build a system for it. So, rule number two though is you need truth, not necessarily applause. And why I say that is most people want to feel supported, but winners they just want to be told the truth, they want to know what is going on, what is what is what what needs to be changed, what needs to be improved. Because truth protects results, and applause just feels good in the moment, but it doesn't fix any problems. I don't need a good job, or you know, you can do it, or anything like that. Like, that's that's awesome, but like we need to solve this this fucking problem, right? So you need at least one person in your life or in your circle who will tell you, yo, that's a bad call, or I think you're being emotional, I think you're avoiding the situation, you know, you're just making excuses, and you need to be able to take it. No drama, no ego. And if you don't have that person, honestly, you're at risk of the downside of it, right? Going down, going backwards, because leadership with no trust becomes just illusion. And the quiet loss of reliability, there's another truth, right? And that is that you didn't outgrow people, your role just changed. A lot of leaders feel guilty about this, and they think maybe I'm am I abandoning them? Am I abandoning them or am I abandoning my people or my peers or my friends? And honestly, no, right? Your lane changed, and uh in your new lane, your stakes changed, your consequences changed, so your conversations also change, right? And in that, I mean, sometimes your tolerance changes and hopefully your focus changes, and some people won't come with you into that lane, and that's okay. Not because they hate you or they don't want to be like you or they think you, you know, or any kind of way, but because they don't want the weight that you now bear, right? They want comfort, they want normal, they want easy leadership is not easy. Being a business owner is not easy, being a parent is not easy. You don't stop fitting, so you stop trying to uh so you stop trying to tongue twisted. So you stop fitting right into your previous circle or to what your previous version of you was, and then now you're you're wondering like am I changing? Am I becoming someone that I'm not? No, that's normal, right? And so going into rule number three that I had for you guys was you know, stop asking your old circles to understand your new weight, right? Your new circles weight. It may sound harsh, but it will save you because here's what's gonna happen if you don't. You keep explaining yourself, you you keep trying to shrink yourself down to their level to make yourself relatable to them, and you keep trying to stay the same. And the whole time you're doing that, you're losing time, you're losing focus, right? You're losing standards. Look, you can still love the people and hang out with the people, you can still be loyal, but you can't demand that they understand a life that they're not living or that they choose not to live. That expectation will just mess you up. And leaders, I will say, as a leader, you will get less emotional support, right? This one is simple. People assume that you're fine because you look fine, you're calm, right? And whether your face shows it or not, that's what they just perceive. They understand that you handle problems, right? You don't fall apart in public, and so people don't necessarily check in on you. No one checks in on the steady one, no one worries about the strong one, quote unquote, right? And that's honestly part of the role, and and as bad as that sounds, right? Competence gets mistaken for vo uh invulnerability. And this is where leaders, I guess, could get a little bitter or you know, butthurt, and they you might think, you know, well, damn, nobody cares about me. But in reality, people are also busy, they have everything going on that you have going on in their own version. People are in their own heads, right? People assume you've got it because of the position that you're in, right? Because what you've achieved. So you have two options, right? Option A, stay mad, stay hurt, stay whatever, right? That's that's your option number one. Option A. Option B is try to build a support team, a system, or try to build support on purpose, right? Try to get into a room of like-minded people, try to get other people on the same in the same lane as you, but you have to pick option A or option B, right? Because otherwise, the dangerous lie essentially is I guess the dangerous lie, you know, that really kills leaders, right? Something must be wrong with me. And no, nothing is wrong with you, nothing at all. Loneliness at the top is structural. If you carry outcomes, you carry isolation risk. If you ignore that, you drift into one of the three quote unquote bad places, right? Either burnout, resentment, or emotional shutdown. When leaders shut down, they get sharp in a bad way, right? Short temper, no patience, no warmth, you know, to say, or vibe, right? No, no joy in in what they're doing anymore. Then they tell themselves they're just busy, right? It's it's all good. I'm just busy. No, you're overloaded, you're unsupported, and that's a difference. But what is the difference between isolation and loneliness, right? I guess, like, because a lot of people think isolation, loneliness the same thing. It's not, right? Loneliness equals fewer peers, isolation equals zero anchors. Loneliness is normal, isolation is dangerous, and a choice, right? Loneliness is something on the lines of saying, like, I'm caring more than most people. Isolation is I have nobody I can be real with. See the difference there. And if that's you, don't romanticize it, don't call it independence. It's a liability. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will be, right? Because when the pressure hits you, it will crack. And you'll crack in in public, in private, doesn't matter. Like you will start to leak. And your your short temper, all that kind of stuff, your you know, all the negative side effects, you know, of your personality trait will come out in public, and that's not a healthy place, nor a great place to be either, because you're going to start feeling even more lonely and more isolated. So neither is good. But so again, like loneliness is just part of the job. Isolation, though, again, is your choice. So if you are isolated or feel isolated, that again, you have the the choice to solve that problem right now. And then rule number four, you don't need many people, you just need the right ones. Again, you don't need many people, many people in your circle, you just need the right ones in your circle. And here's what the right ones you know should look like to you. They're not impressed by you. Right, I'll say that again. They're not impressed by you, they're not scared of you, they do not want anything from you, they don't want to compete with you, but they will tell you the truth. You need one or two of those in your in your circle or in your life. That's it. Not 10, not 20, not 100, right? And if you're thinking, but where do I find them? You can build the room or you can go to a room full of them, a mastermind, a coaching network. Um maybe your industry has a group that's you know for you guys, for owners or operators, right? People who also carry the weight that you're carrying because the weight isn't light, the weight is not fun every day. Everyone wants the title until the title demands the work, right? There's that saying, everyone wants to be a soldier until there's a war, right? Everyone wants to be a warrior until there's a war, right? Um, but this is what those what comes with that, right? You don't find those people at random, and so you have to, if you don't find them where you're at, you need to start choosing better rooms, right? And so here's how you could essentially manage the curve in a healthy way, manage the system in a healthy way. Um, but you have three buckets, right? Bucket one essentially is your peers, um, one or two people at your level, bucket two is a mentor, right? At least one mentor, someone ahead of you on your journey. And bucket three essentially is an outlet, right? A place where you can process, you know, um, and kind of just turn your mind off that doesn't necessarily damage your team or you know, in front of everyone, you know. It that for me personally, like when I go to the gym, maybe it's not even I work out on my own. Sometimes I'll go to a different gym, like that's just my outlet, right? Where I can think about things, you know, maybe I'll even go on a run. That's one of my other outlets. I don't like running, but I will use that as an outlet. Um, but that's it, right? A peer, a mentor, and an outlet, those three buckets, and there's your system right there. If you can build those three, you can carry a lot more weight, like without it feeling unbearable. If you don't, though, leadership will feel like you're suffocating. So let's make it measure measurable for you. This week, if you feel like this, I want you to pick one peer and put them on a list. Like, like you know, put it in your notes on your phone. Um, Find a mentor if you don't have one, right? Reach out, book a time. And then second one, or sorry, third one is you know, your your outlet, right? What is it? Schedule it, put it on your calendar, right? So that it's actually an appointment that you treat for yourself. And so the other part, I guess I want to dive into is like the solitude, right? The solitude isn't punishment, it's a tool. But if you only you but only if you use it right. And so here's what like solitude will do for you, right? It removes noise, it removes opinions, it removes other people's fear from your head, so you can think, so you can decide, and so you can lead with more clarity. But solitude also has a dark side. If you use solitude to avoid people, that starts to become isolation. If you use solitude to reset and sharpen, now that becomes a healthy leadership style. So to be honest, are you using alone time to get better or to disappear? Think about that. And then rule five, schedule thinking time, like you schedule time to do anything else, right? Schedule time um for just you. Let your you know decisions and everything start to just settle. Let let your thoughts and everything settle. Have a a thought window where you can like look, these are the issues of the day. How are we gonna solve it? What who do I need to talk to? Who do I need to reach out to, and so forth, instead of just reacting all day long as things come, right? Because you're just reacting on the fly, it starts to create sloppy leadership, right? So, a kind of a clean rule for you is two blocks per week, 30 minutes each, no phone, no noise, just you, a piece of paper or a notebook, and ask yourself three questions. What problem am I avoiding? What decisions, what decision is overdue, and what standard has slipped? Answer them and then act. Don't answer them and then think about it. You just thought about answer them, then act. That is leadership. So ask yourself those three questions and be truthful yourself. Like you'll know if you're lying to yourself, right? But lying to yourself does you no good because again, you're not going to create the solutions or reach out to the people you need to reach out to. Um, your emotional discipline, though, is going to have to change with becoming a leader, right? Leadership is carrying weight without dumping it on other people. I'm not saying delegate, I'm saying the weight, the weight of your choices, the weight of your decisions. So you still feel stressed, you still feel doubt, you're not a machine, but you manage it, right? You're you're not gonna spray it on, you know, spray it down below on your team. You don't make emotional, uh, you don't make your emotions everyone else's job. You need to process it in the right places, right? Again, your three buckets, your peer, mentor, and outlet, not your team, not your spouse. And don't and please don't act that and act as your spouse is your therapist, because that is not gonna be a healthy relationship either, right? Not your friends who can't handle it, right? Be smart of who you tell your pressures and and give the weight to, because at the same time, if you give it to the wrong person, it's also gonna have a negative effect on you because you're gonna immediately go back to the place of no one understands me, and all of a sudden you start feeling isolated again. So if you drop your weight on others that you're not meant to, and they drop it in their performance, again, it's still a loss for you, right? But the upside, here's the trade for that, right? You lose you do lose some relatability, but you do gain impact, right? And again, that's leadership. You can you can have comfort or you can have influence, you gotta pick. Most people do want both, and that's why they stay stuck at their current position. Leadership means that you accept the trade, you stop whining about it. Yes, lonely sometimes, but so what? That's the job, that's the title. So let's close this clean, wrap it up with a bow. If leadership feels lonely, it might mean you're doing it right, but don't use it as an excuse to isolate. So I want to give you a little assignment. Only three steps, right? Step one, I want you to identify one peer that you can be real with, right? Text them today, set a call. Step two, identify one outlet that doesn't damage your business and just lets you essentially have a thought time, you know, have some thoughts to yourself, right? You can work out, you know, journaling, therapy, you know, coaching, go on a hike, whatever the case may be. Pick one, put it in your calendar, schedule it. And then step three is stop expecting emotional support from other from people who rely on you. Remember, they rely on you. They don't need to know that you're you're worried. Your job is just to make sure that they're not worried. The expectation creates disappointment in them because they're looking to you to lead. Disappointment creates resentment, and resentment makes you a worse leader or at least have less of an impact. So cut it. Listen, leadership doesn't just raise your impact, it will shrink your circle. I promise. That's not a problem, though. That's just the reality. So you have to build your system to carry the weight so you can keep leading. I just want to say, guys, I appreciate you guys. I love y'all. I'll see you guys on the next one. If you guys have any questions or anything, you know, you can always reach me, shoot me a DM. Until next time, guys.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Only negative vibes, only positive thoughts.