In this episode Nadir and Yadira talk about Suhaylah's birth and their experiences in the hospital. Yadira also recounts her last days and moments with her first guide dog Andrea.
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In this episode Nadir and Yadira talk about Suhaylah's birth and their experiences in the hospital. Yadira also recounts her last days and moments with her first guide dog Andrea.
PLEASE RATE, REVIEW, AND SUBSCRIBE
VISIT OUR WEBSITE:
islambytouch.com
FOLLOW Islam By Touch ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS:
@islambytouch
instagram.com/islambytouch
facebook.com/islambytouch
twitter.com/islambytouch
tiktok.com/islambytouch
FOLLOW YADIRA ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS:
@alwaysyadira
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Assalamu Alaykum. Welcome to behind the Blind. This is Nadir and this is Yadira. And that's Yadira. What's up, Yadira? Nothing much. You doing? All right. Yadira. Yes, mamdullah. That's good. Yadira. You say my name weird. Do I say your name? Because it's Yadira and you're like Yadira. You change the a's Yadira. Yeah, that's the more correct pronunciation of it. Okay. Yadira. Well, no, Yadira. Now you're saying we're like Yadira. And it's not Yadira. It's Yadira. Yadira. No, there is no I'm trying to. Arabise your name right. It's an AW. Yeah, there you go. Yes, that's the one. I'm just going to call you Dia. Yeah, that's it. Yes. That's why I did. You can't even pronounce your own wife's name, probably remember, you've been married to me for 15 years, you say it wrong. Married for 15, knowing you for 20. Right. And you've been saying it I've been. Saying it wrong this whole time. What a revelation. Great. Say sasson. No, but I can't say nothing anymore. That's it. I'm silent. I'm just going to be silent for the rest of this show. You can't podcast like that. Anyway, we'll be on mute now. Goodbye, everyone. Beautiful. I don't know why you just been saying it wrong. That's okay, honey. I'm on mute. You can't hear me, too. I can still catch you on the microphone and you're right next to me. You're so ridiculous. Unmute yourself. Okay, I'm not muted anymore. Oh, God, you're so childish, let me tell you. Okay. Oh, my God, bro. So many times I cry on this podcast. Not out of emotion, just because I'm laughing so much. Oh, God. That's my water. It's good to have a good laugh. It is. That's my water. Oh, it's right next to me. Okay. All right, so we are talking about hold on. I just double checked, like triple check that wasn't on mute because I hit mute a couple of times and the mute button on this thing, it doesn't click, it changes colors. So I got to get super close. To it and be like, are you good? Are you good? I don't know. Yeah, I'm good. Okay, so we are talking about your pregnancies. The whole thing is being blind parents, right? So, I mean, we could take it past pregnancies, but let's finish up all. The pregnancy stuff and then everything else is kind of all four kids together. Parenting, that's kind of how I think would be the best, because I really haven't parented much different. Like, every kid is unique, obviously, but you know what I mean? What you're saying always after the first four or something? After the first two. After the first two. After two, it's just another mouth to feed. Just another mouth to feed. And so people will look at me, they're like, oh, you're crazy. I've been told that you have four kids. I'm like, not really. Once I figured out that I can manage two, it was just a mouth to feed from there, you know what I mean? It wasn't too really difficult for me. The biggest and most challenging transition was from one to two kids. Okay. For me. Why? Because I had to figure out how. To be because we just left off the second we just talked about. Yeah. So before we can get into that before Sohaila sure. Because I had to figure out how to be in two places at once. How to be needed by more than one person at the same time. So if the baby was crying but my three year old needed help at the potty, I had to solve both dilemmas at the same time. And so that was the most challenging transition was from one to two. Once I wasn't home for a lot of this. No, because you had hours and hours of work and commute. Oh, my God. The commute. So I had to do this a lot on my own. That was not fun. No commute. And once I figured out that I can manage this adding to babies number three and the number four was just I had already figured out how to do that. So not a big deal. Barely an inconvenience. Barely make of it. Was it hard? No, it was super easy. Barely an inconvenience. Oh, really? God, I love those. I love them so much. They're so funny. They are pitch meetings. That's what we're talking about. They're pitch meetings. It's hilarious. Yeah. Anyway. Okay, so let's talk about suhaila. Right? Let's go down the Suhaila road. At that point, how old is hold. On, we'll recap real quick. So we'll do the next two babies real quick and then I'll go back to what it's been like being the perspective of others as us as blind parents and then how it's actually been from our perspective. Yes. Okay, that sounds good. Yeah. So suhida. So the boys are not quite three years apart. They're two years and eleven months apart. And we have kind of decided that maybe we would space all the kids like that around three years or so. But then Allah said, yeah, you have no idea how to plan things. So we don't. Yeah. So there is, I still remember there is a very suhaila and Noah are only two years and two months apart. So there at one point I had two kids and diapers at the same time. And I nursed while pregnant for, I think pretty much almost all of the kids for a little bit of time. So Hail is pregnancy, diabetes again, but this time again, just like with Noah, diagnosed really good care, same hospital, same doctors. I didn't I did this for the other three kids. They were the team was really good both at my OBGYN and the maternal. Fetal, what I call them, the object. And the maternal fetal, which is the like the high risk. And that's legit. Right. Wife. I did not just make that up right now. You do? I used to always they go, we're going to the object. And I made it to almost every appointment. He did mashonla. He was really supportive. Listen, I'm really involved when it comes to that stuff. Well, I take the breath of the homeschooling. He does help a lot. So hamdullah for that, but so diabetes. Could just go right past that, because. I'm trying to get first of all, we spent, like, 87 minutes laughing at the beginning. No, listen, we started getting serious at around the three minute mark. That's a long time. She got three minutes of hilarity in the beginning okay. Discussing the proper pronunciation of your name. Right. And then we moved on anyway. That was always the complication with her, and I was dealing with a lot of sugars being low. Again, diabetes is not being able to control the sugars on either end of the spectrum, but for me, they tend to just drop really badly. So that was a huge struggle throughout the pregnancy for her. And then, let's see, outside the diabetes, I don't think it was too eventful, except getting those sugars under control. They were so bad that there were some days when Ned, that would be like, just don't move, because anytime I would exert energy, my my sugar would drop. So he was just so low. Yeah, so he would he would really take over taking care of the kids. My my grandmother did live upstairs for me, so when she had one days that came like that, she would watch the boys, and then everybody would just between Ned and her, they would just bring me food to where I was sitting on the bed or whatever, because the sugars are really, really bad. And so I would try to do stuff, and my sugars would drop. It was just bad, particularly with that specific pregnancy. I don't know what it was, but fast forward to when I'm going to have her. It was already towards the end of the pregnancy, and I remember it was a Friday, and I woke up, and my babies have always been really active, and Suhela wasn't moving, or she was barely moving, and I was like, this is pretty odd. And then I called the doctor, and they were like, well, you could be preparing to go into labor, and the baby's kind of just that can happen sometimes where they'll just slow down and then you'll start labor. So we kind of left it at that. And then I started contracting really bad. So I was just assuming this is it. The next day, Abdullah had a karate match, and we went to it. Was that the mesh shed, wasn't it? No, it was not. No, it was not. Some gym. Some gym. School gym. That's right, because we took a cab there. I think we left Noah because he was little, and I think my grandmother stood with him. So that you and I can go to the karate match with Abdullah. So we were there, and the whole time I was contracting, like, back to back and really hard. And I remember telling Ned that I think when we leave here, I'm going to go get the bag ready, and we're going to have to head to the hospital because it's really bad and I'm not feeling the baby move much. So I think we're ready. And so I get home and I prep everything, and I'm getting ready to go, and the contractions just stop completely, and then the baby doesn't she's not moving or barely moving. By Sunday, I couldn't feel her. And I think on Friday, not only did I call her, I went in. I remember this now a little better. I went in because she was moving, and then that's when they told me, well, she wasn't moving. I'm sorry. So it could be that you're going to labor. You are contracting. They did the whole stress test. They were checking my contractions, and they gave me they got her to move because they put this little thing that vibrates onto your stomach, and it kind of stimulates the baby. It startles them. And then they got her moving, and they were like, it's probably just you're probably going to be starting labor, so just keep an eye on that. But by Sunday, she was barely moving, and it was getting scary. And I called in again, and they were like, well, if you wake up in the morning and you don't feel her moving, you have to come in. You call and then come in. So Monday morning comes, and I get up. I eat something, and the baby's still not moving at all. And I wait, like, another 30 minutes, and then I'm like, I have to call the doctor because something is very wrong. Like, the instinct kicks in. You know what I mean? So I called my doctor, and I'm like, listen, the baby's not moving no matter what I do. I drank water. I'm moving around. I'm trying to mess with my belly, and she's just not moving at all. So they were like, okay, you have to come in right now. This is an emergency, and you have to come in right now. The thing is that there was an ice storm going on. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. She was born all of these crazy she was born in a record breaking winter in New Jersey. This winter had broken records for being the coldest and, like, the Iciest. It was it was just horrible, horrible winter. Until the day that she that I that I have to go into the hospital for an emergency or into my doctor's office first. There's there's an ice storm going on, and it is bad. So getting a cab took forever. Again, pre uber. And I left the boys with my grandma, but this time it wasn't like when I fell off the train. It was more like, I may not come back tonight. I may end up having to go give birth. So that was kind of expected, but I should have taken my bag in retrospect, but I didn't. I came back for the bag. You did in the ice storm. You did, because that ice storm lasted all day. So we get to the doctor, they run the stress test again, the little thing to vibrate my stomach, it's not working. Nothing's working. And the contractions are going, but she's just not moving at all. And then they check her heartbeat, and it's dropping, like, drastically and quickly. So they're like, you have to go to maternal fetal. So from there we go to the hospital and I go to maternal fetal, and they do all the same things again. And then they do the ultrasound because at that doctor, they didn't do the ultrasound, but here they have all the equipment. So they did the ultrasound and they find that she's not breathing in uteral. There's no oxygen going to her. And they're like, you have to get an emergency induction. We have to get her out. Because if we don't we don't want to talk about that scenario. She has to come out. And now the thing about it is that this is so ridiculous. It was the day before I turned 38 weeks or something like that. And so technically, I wasn't full term, so they had to get authorization for it to proceed with the induction. Thankfully, the doctor was like, she called up and she was like, I don't care. I'll send the paperwork afterwards. But we're sending her straight up from here, and we're wheeling her up into labor and delivery. And you need to induce her labor now because there's no way around this. We need to get it going. Thankfully, by the time I got up and they gave me the pathetic and everything, I don't know what it was, but it kick started the baby and her heart started to stabilize, and things were better. I don't know if my labor just stalled and it affected her or whatever it was, but once they got everything moving, everything was fine with her. So they didn't proceed with, like a C section because they were just monitoring her to make sure that her heartbeat was fine and that she was doing okay. So the potatoesIn is crazy as always. I've had patoin them for all four of them a couple of hours in. I did get an epidural again. And by this point, though, I'm waiting and the ice storm is just not abating. And I'm like, you're going to tell that, then I'm like, you're going to have to go back home, get my bag, which is not packed because I procrastinated horribly. Is this the doctor that did the epidural with the funny story? Was it this one? Yes, because you were in the room for sumaya you were in the room for that. That's right. Why don't you talk about your epidural during this one? Because it's childish. Yeah, but it's great. Childish is hilarious. Look at it. Talk to me. I go to get my epidural and usually they have the husband step out and the nurses are the ones that help you. And at least in my experience with this new doctor and stuff, they were great. And so actually the labor delivery nurses for Abdullah were actually not bad either. But anyway, it was just post. Yeah, those are horrible. But anyway, so we get to me having to need an epidural because 4 hours, probably more than 4 hours by this point, sweet Lazar was not nearly as long as I was either. I had the baby not too long after the epidural. My body just relaxed, I would say about 5 hours in. I finally got the epidural. Ned did it outside and the nurse is hugging me with that and she has a pillow so I can lean into it and stuff. And so they're getting everything prepped and stuff and my anesthesiologist just lets one rip. She just farts. She just farts like while she's talking to you. Nothing, like nothing. And just explaining the procedure like we're going to do this or whatever, you're going to feel pressure and blah blah blah. And then she just walks over like that didn't just happen. And I'm in severe pain and I'm about to get a huge needle in my back because I'm just like a teenage boy. I'm like in my head I'm like, did she just fart? And then she's like, so try to relax. But the whole time it didn't matter that I was in pain. I'm like oh my God. Which I tell Nadir. And then I'm like focused on focus but she just kept talking over that. Like she just didn't do that. And I'm like, I understand she was trying to be professional but I am not. I'm the wrong person to have around that because again I'm just a big child. And so that happened. You come in and I'm like hysterically laughing because I had to hold it in and that made it worse. But it looks like I'm crying and you're like oh my God, what's wrong? And I'm like, no wait, I have to tell you I'm not crying. I'm laughing so hard. So then I tell you and then you laugh and it was just really funny. Usually though, when my apathy comes in, my blood pressure drops dangerously and then corrects itself pretty quickly. But it's always a little bit of a scary moment. I can't do anything with Yadira without her being in a near death situation. I swear to God, so many times. Well, you almost died again so many times. Oh my God. It's happened every time. Every time I get an epidural it I don't really respond well to anesthesia and we've discussed this way earlier episode, but every time I get an epidural, my blood pressure drops, like, to the point where I'm almost passing out because it's dangerously low. And then they put in the medicine to correct it, but my body tends to just correct it before the medicine kicks in. But it's a few scary minutes there when I'm just barely conscious. This is just a side effect, but if I don't get it, I don't dilate, I don't relax. And then I would risk a C section. And I really, really didn't want a C section for any of my kids. Sorry, I just hit my watch on the table. That happened. That's how seriously she takes not wanting to get a C section. She has to hit the table. I'm not getting a C section. I can't deal with you. The baby was born very healthy. She didn't have a counter. How many times you said, I can't deal with you throughout the 15 episodes? Right. I think it's episode 15, something like that. Yeah. Whenever I uploaded the website I uploaded through, you hear Hazel, it's like, put an episode number. It's like, for reference, your previous episode was number this. It's like, oh, okay, so now I know the next one because it shows. Like you don't know that. Exactly. So Hendela the baby was born healthy and no complications once that happened, once we made it to the mom and baby, which is like the postpartum area. I did have one nurse who kept insisting on bathing the baby, and I just didn't want to because there's benefits in not bathing the baby right away. And she kept insisting and insisting and badgering me. And Nancy was sleeping by this point because he had been up. It was just crazy, crazy past couple of days and hours and stuff. And I was just up because I was nursing the baby and all the mom stuff. And she just kept insisting, and I kept telling her no. And at one point, she just wore me down. It was insane how much she kept putting that pressure. And then at one point, she kind of almost grabbed the baby in my hands, and she was like, well, I'm just going to go bathe her for you. And I'm like, But I really don't need you or want you to do that. And she did it anyway. And then while that and they had. Us in a small ass room, right? Again, because for Noah, they gave us a small room, too. And it was actually a room that used to be the storage room and converted into a postpartum room, super tiny and cracked. So they gave us a small room. You had this bushy nurse, so they. Bring the baby back. Now. The same nurse? No, it was a different nurse. Okay, let me quickly just kind of explain something. So when you're diabetic, they check the baby's sugars for the next, like 12 hours I can't remember exactly how much it was years ago, but they'll keep checking the baby sugar sporadically because they can throw the baby sugars off balance. And so they kept checking her sugars and they were normal. And one of the reasons I really didn't want the baby bathed is because I know that when they bathe them, the sugars drop. And exactly what I feared happened. Is it because of the temperature, I guess. The temperature, yeah. And it's a huge change. I'm not exactly why, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to happen. But it can make the babies drop like Noah's didn't, but hers did. And I had to read them enough research by this point to know that I did not want the bathing right away. So hers dropped pretty low. And I remember getting mad at the nurse going off on her, saying I knew her sugars were going to drop. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. And then, of course, she just spoke right over me, and she was like, well, so what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to give her some formula, and we're going to have to put the sugar water, and we're going to have to get those sugars up. So I'm going to bring the bottle. And I was like, no. At that point, I woke up and I kept fighting with her. And so she was like, oh, I'll be back. And she came back with a head nurse, not the one who runs whole department, but the one who was leading. It was overnight. Yeah, this was overnight. This was overnight because the baby was born super late at night. So she comes in and she's like, well, we're trying to just do what's best for the baby. And you don't want to put your baby in harm's way, do you? And I'm just sitting here like, oh, no. At this point, I was like, Nandid, they are badgering me. And I woke you up. And she was like, well, nobody's badgering you. And I'm like, you just try to manipulate me into agreeing to formula when I specifically said I didn't want the baby based because I knew this was going to happen. And so you wake up in the middle of all that and then you take over for me, thankfully, because again. And I got wrong with that. You did. She left. And we immediately knew. She was like, well, we were just looking out for whatever. And you went off and you were like, I'm sorry, but we need to speak to your supervisor. We will be right now. Right now, we need to talk to whoever's in charge right now. She's like, well, I'm in charge now. And we were like, well, then we'll talk to whoever's in charge in the morning. And I knew who was in charge before because again, when I had Noah. Here, we had we made sure we. Made contact with everybody who was at the top, basically, in this department. So she was very familiar with me. I think she was new because the previous staff was very familiar with me. So in the morning, the one who heads the entire department, labor and Delivery department, and then I get raw with her. And then on top of that, you literally have us in a storage room. Like, he went off on her. And so I was like, look, I barely got room. Like, I can't move it. This was ridiculous. And so she was like, no, no. So we'll make sure we get that address. And then the thing is and it's like, oh, well, we thought this would be better accommodation. Like, why? Because we're blind, we can have a big room, right? Really? And then she's like, no, that's not it. Until, of course, an hour later, they're like, so we're going to move you to a different room. And then I end up getting a. Double room, like a double room, bro legit. They're supposed to have two beds in there, and they moved a bed out and then gave me because they obviously had space for it. And they were like, well, I mean, if another person goes into labor, we'll have to move the room in, and then if they have to stay here what's the saying? The squeaky wheel gets the grease? Yeah. Both of us have learned at a very early age that if we aren't the squeaky wheel, we will be ignored, vehemently ignored. So we ended up getting a double room, and then the head of the department came back to to see me, and she was like, well, what do you want done? Because whatever, you tell me what you want done, and it's getting done. This woman could have lost her job if I would have said I want her fired, because she was, like, under no circle, because they could have gotten sued for all that. I said, I just need her to be educated, and she needs to be told that this is not how you treat, period. I think she came back and apologized the next night. Yes. And I said and I want an apology. I did say that. And so she came back the next night, and she did apologize. I don't think she was our nurse. She wasn't? No, she wasn't our nurse for the rest of it. No, because I also requested that, and I don't want her attending me at all. I don't want her attending me or my child. And I also said, and I don't want the nurse who was pushing for me to bathe the baby. I don't want her attending the baby either. I don't want her and I want the baby with me at all times. At all times, unless you absolutely need her. For some reason, everything that needs to get done to her needs to be done in my room. I do not want her leaving my room. So that happened. Hamdallah and I was treated a lot better after that. And then Hamda, we got to go home. And it was just a lot. There was no more ice storm. It was freezing, but no more ice storm. And a much better time with that birth than in the previous times, I guess. You know what I mean? No, but there were still issues, though, right? Always issues. There was always issues. Those nurses had no reason to behave in that manner, to be so pushy. Whether I'm disabled or not, it shows you the culture that kind of exists in these areas where mothers are being treated. Once you have a baby, it's like you don't even exist anymore. And the thing is, you're super vulnerable, right? Yeah. Absolutely. They take advantage of that vulnerability. They really do. And they push you around. They speak to you in all kinds of ways. They ignore you when you say you're feeling certain things or you need certain things done, or you want certain things, and you're just completely ignored and devalued and whatever you have to say. It's like you're nothing more than just a vessel. And it's disgusting. That culture is absolutely disgusting. And then you add on the layer of disability, and it gets worse. Exponentially worse. Yeah. Wife. Check out my big words. I know, right? But that was that. And that went pretty quickly because there wasn't too many issues that went around in terms of having the baby and fall off any trains or anything. No. And I didn't have any doctors trying to describe how to clean a circumcised penis because this is my first baby girl. That was amazing. That was one of the best moments ever. And around the doctor, it was great. Yeah, it was great. If you say so. I kicked you out for that. So funny. You know, by baby number three, ned was not trying to eat sandwiches or he was much better. You went it's funny because when you went to get my bag, nothing was packed. And I had to call my grandma, and I'm like, he's on his way home to pick up my bag, and I don't have it packed. And she's like, I got you. So she packed up everything she knew I would need. And then but when you showed up, you had the caps still waiting out there, because if they left, that was God knows when you were going to get a little bag. So she was waiting for you at the door. I remember because I had her on the phone, and you got right to the door. She hands you the bag, and you he just turned, ride back around and got back in the cabin. Ham, dela. She had everything. She was like, I got it. I didn't even have to tell her what to pack. She just knew what I would need. And she. Sent it over hamdula, but that was pretty crazy. I remember the one I did fall that morning because it was an ice storm, and when I stepped down, I slipped and I fell, but I didn't hit my belly. I fell on my knees because I caught myself. And then I got up and got a cab in the cab, and we proceeded to the whole day and then had the baby that night. So that's the saga of Suhaila. Yeah, that's a good alliteration. Telling you, man, I'm like lingo. Yeah, I'm like lingo. If I spill water on you, though, are you going to crash? Lingo is ready. Are you going to crash if I slow water on you? Maybe. A good chance that I'm not a party robot. It's a good chance anyway. All right, I got the Simpsons reference then. You did? Boom. Money. All right, so I don't know. We've been doing this for a good half hour right now, so I think we could get sumer in. Yeah, hers is pretty simple, too. Yeah. All right, so we're three in three deep. Wait, we got to talk. Wait. Good. We told the whole story of Suhaila, right? Yeah, we did. Oh, let me backtrack just a little. What do you mean, the whole story? The lead poisoning? Yeah, let me backtrack a little bit. So while I was pregnant with Suhaila, my dog, my first guy dog, Andrea, had deteriorated considerably, like, really bad. And this was very early on in the pregnancy. And so she had developed Lymphoma, and she also had severe food intolerance. So she was allergic to everything she ate, and so she could only be on a specific prescribed dog food for about six weeks, and then I would have to change it out because she would get allergic to it and get sick all over again. So that was going on for a while, and it was really stressful. And then we got to a point where she got so sick, like, she wasn't even getting up. She was hiding under my bed, and I could only get her to eat tiny bits of boiled ground meat from my hand, and she would only take two or three bites. She didn't want to drink water. And so she had like a whole day of that. And I remember I sat with her and I was just really just crying and really upset, and I knew I had to let her go. I think you should explain this a bit because we have a majority Muslim what is going on over there? I don't know. My watch is being annoying. Everything is talking so unprofessional. I know I said I was not professional at some point when I laughed at my anesthesiologist. So look, we have a predominantly of course we have a big Muslim audience, right? And plenty of them are born Muslims, probably have never owned a dog before in their lives because the stigma against dogs. And of course, we could have a whole discussion and talk about that, right? It's okay. If you have a need, you can have this dog in your house. There's no issues, and so on and so forth. It needs vary. Yeah, it's not just like a guide dog. Yes, a guide dog is a need, but needs vary. Could be a guard dog, could be an alert dog, could be many uses for a dog. It just needs to be used for something. You can't just have a dog because it's cute, pretty much. Right. A lot of people have not had that, but I'm sure plenty of people had pets. Right. So kind of explain the relationship you had with Andrea and why this affected you so much. So people can kind of understand your point of view. Right, because this is even deeper than a pet. Let's say you had a pet cat, and you had this cat for 1015 years, and then it got, you know, lymphoma and and got sick and all that, and you're going to be sad because your cat, you had it for 15 years, but explain the relationship here. So in the previous very early episodes, we talked about with my guide dogs getting guide dogs. So Andrea was these guide dogs are like an extension of you. They are your eyes. So prior to Andrea, I really didn't have full independence and that sense of full dignity, like autonomy and agency. And then when I finally was able to acquire her, that changed everything. And then prior to her, there was a failed guide dog that I didn't get to take home. So getting her and have and then when I brought her home, finally was this huge, almost like a victory. And then she got attacked. Attacked, right. And so again, it was like almost she almost lost her for her work again, and then she pulled through on that one. And so this dog was extremely giving, extremely resilient and loyal and devoted to me. I don't remember I shared the story of when I was on the kayak with the girls at the camp. Yeah, you did. I believe you did. I think I did, too. And so to the point where it took, like, it was like, two or three guys, and they could barely contain. Her because there was a bear in the area. And she's trying to get to you. She's trying to get to you to protect you. Right. And then when we're walking, she's literally almost using her body to shield me, and she was like, literally, I could feel her low growling, and she was in a very tense and defensive stance. So this dog really she was a lot to me. She was, like I said, an extension of me. So losing her, I'm losing my eyes, I'm losing a companion. This dog got me home safely for an assortment of reasons. On more than one occasion, she kept me from harm. And so losing her was a huge, devastating blow because it wasn't just like, well, I love my dog, and I do love dogs. I'm not going to lie. And I love dogs. I don't remember a day not having a dog. So my earliest memories are of a little black poodle named Suki. And Suki hated me because I was like, you remembered, like, tiny tunes. I would love Myra, going to love. You and squeeze you. Yes, I was her. And anywhere I would find that dog, no matter how much she was trying to hide. And I would just pick her up and love her and squeeze her and kiss her and hug her and and she was going to love me whether she liked it or not. And Suki was an old grumpy poodle, and she kind of just tolerated me. She never bit me, ever. And she was just an old grumpy poodle. She's a little black dog. And I loved that dog. That was my first recollection of a dog. But I had them before. We never had time when we didn't have a dog. Losing I was so used to having dogs. They were a part of my life. I still love dogs, but Andrea was to a different level. Losing Andrea was like losing a best friend. It was like losing a companion. It was like losing almost a family member. It was like losing a part of myself, because she gave me that independence. And without her, it was just a very deep cut. And I had to make the decision to end her life. It wasn't like she died naturally, and I felt really guilty about that, but I also felt really guilty about keeping her alive because that wasn't living. She was just existing and in pain. So I stood with her practically all night, just petting her. And at one point, she laid her head on my lap. And I know for a lot of Muslims, they're not going to get this, but people who are dog lovers and people who have dogs and even Muslims who dug dogs or whatever and do have them, they'll understand. Like, she put her head on my lap and almost felt like she was like, that's it. I can't do it anymore. I just kind of, like, apologizing for not being able to do her job. Because that's the thing, right? These dogs, these dogs specifically, these service animals, they live to serve you, to serve you. And she literally I'm getting like they. Get happy whenever you tell them they did a good job. No, you get happy if somebody gets you a gift. No, their gift is you saying, good dog, good girl, good boy, whatever. And they live for that. And even with Hazel, she does a really good job. And I'll bend over and I'll scratch her side, and she'll quickly look up at me and wag her tail, like, so hard, her whole body shakes, and Andrew did that, too. She literally sprained her own tail over, wagging it more than once. She was a funny dog, but she put her head across my lap like she kind of stretched over, and I could just feel like her life just draining. She's like, I can't do it anymore. And it almost felt like she was through her body language, communicating, it's okay, you could let me go, and it's fine, it's fine. And it was really emotional. And I remember I just laid over her, and I was just hugging her, and I was crying, and I knew that this was it. I could feel that inner voice. You know what I mean? You have to let her go. You have to. So the next day, I told Nadir, we're going to New York to the hospital, and I got to put her down, and that was a really difficult trip, and we went to the hospital, and I took her in a baby stroller. Yeah. Literally, she couldn't walk. She couldn't walk. And I was pregnant with all of this, so on top of that, it's super emotional because of that. And she couldn't walk. So we took her on a train. And to New York City. There's this one animal hospital in New York City that treats service animals for free. Yeah, that's the animal medical center. I want to say It's called yeah, I think it's what is called the Animal Medical Center. That's what I want to say. We're talking about a huge facility. It's a state of the art thing, and they do a lot of veterinary classes there and things like that. Like, it's a college, too, so that's part of the reason, I guess. But they're open 24 hours, and it's a really great hospital, so it's right in Manhattan. So I got her there, and on top of her having lymphoma and her severe food intolerance, because of all of that, her immune system was really shot until her kidneys failed. And once dogs or pet's kidneys fail, because even cats, it's done. It's done. There's not much you can do about it. So they took her in immediately because I tried to get her out the stroller, and she couldn't even stand up. So she literally slid out onto the floor. Like she just dropped, and she was severely dehydrated. They took her in immediately. They got her on an IV, which, when they finally brought her back to me, she had a little bit of life to her. And so she's a sport dog. She sees me, and she wouldn't drink water. Yeah. So they give her some liquids through an IV. Yeah. And she sees me, and she can barely move her head, but she starts wagging her tail. Not with the same, like, veracity that she would do before, but she starts wagging her tail because she sees me. But they told me before, like, that was the last time because they were like, well, we can keep her alive, but we're going to have to put a feeding tube into her, and then she'll spend three days with you and four days at the hospital because she's going to need dialysis. She's not going to be able to eat normally. It's all through a feeding tube. At that point, I was like, well, that's not living. And so I made the choice to put her down. So they brought her in so I could say goodbye. And that was really hard. You were there with her by yourself for a hot minute because you had. To go fill out paperwork and stuff. And then you came back in, and I was still with her, because they don't rush you. You could take as many hours as you would like. And I think I still look at an hour where they're just literally her laying on the table, and I was just holding her, and I just couldn't bring myself to say, okay. But at one point, well, she leaned over, and I know Muslims are going to back. Oh, my God. She leaned over and she licked, like, my cheek and then dropped her head down like it's time. And understand something. Andrea did not lick. No, ever. She was just a weird, strange she. Was the perfect dog for Muslims. She would never lick. She didn't lick. Did not lick, ever. She was not a liquor. She would not lick you, ever. I love that dog for that reason. That dog did not lick. But she leaned over and like I. Said, I'm of the opinion that the dog saliva is not niggas, right? Which is the madicky opinion that the whole dog is pure. For those who say, oh, it's a minor opinion. No, this is a major school of thought that everyone agrees it's a major school of thought. So we have to accept this opinion as a valid opinion. Right? So you may not agree with it, but you got to accept it as a valid opinion. Exactly. Now, she was not a liquor, so. She was not a liquor at all, ever. And she literally in my arms. She picked up her head and leaned it back and licked my cheek and then dropped her head down. And I just you knew that was it. I knew that was it. Like she was saying bye. It's okay. It's okay, mom. We're done. My little body can't do this anymore, but you'll be fine. It's literally what it felt like. And so when she did that, I turned to Ned and said, okay, you can get the doctor. And she came back in, and she explained the process. And I'm again, pregnant. So extremely emotional. And she was like, and I will not start until you are ready. And I had made a promise to that dog that I would be there with her till the day she passed, that I wouldn't just abandon her because she got sick because a lot of people told me, oh, that dog is saying you need to get rid of her. She's too much work, she's too expensive. Just get rid of her. And I would never do it. And so I held her in my arms, and then when I was ready and I had said my last goodbye, I told the doctor, Go ahead, and it's two shots. So they put her to sleep first with an anesthetic, and then they overdose. And I was warned of all the crazy things that would happen, but I swear, well, she just jerked a little bit like she had a dream, and then stood perfectly still, and it was very peaceful. That was it. It was done. And I stood with her just with her body, because I couldn't bring myself to just leave her. It was really hard. And I stood with her, like, another ten minutes or so. And then I pulled my arms out from underneath her and I left her laying on that table. And I donated her body to medicine because she had so many issues it would help to maybe cure or solve or find the treatment for that food intolerance and for all the illnesses that she had for other dogs and other animals. So that's what I did with her. But all that happened while I was pregnant with Suhela. That was big. And you weren't ready for another guide dog for a year and change. Yeah, because you got hazel when Suhaila was just over a year old. Yeah, she had turned a year old in February, and then I got Hazel in Marchiness happened, and all the craziness happened. One of the times, of all the. Craziness that's always crazy here, I tell people in my house, it's like my home is organized chaos. That's the sex of my life. But during that time, I think that was the most emotional thing I dealt with. And then, of course, leading up to almost losing my baby, and of course, that was way more emotional and dramatic and scary. But those were two big events, obviously, the birth of the baby herself and then losing my guide dog. And I wasn't ready to move on. I grieved if I talk too much about it, I still choke up. Yeah, I could kind of hear it. Because you never get over it, really. You just learn to live with it and you miss them. You never forget it. And it'll be the same thing with Hazel when she finally goes. And she's old now, she has all her gray hair, and she has to take Mobaflex. She's still going, though. She's still going, though. She has to take her medicine for her joints because they're all stiff. And we decided way earlier to put her on a sensitive stomach because she. Was also kind of showing me some signs of some stomach sensitive. And the thing is, because these dogs are very much so. Bred from, like, the same dogs? Yeah, the same kind of pool, because guide dogs are not just pulled from shelters. So it's wonderful because you have right. And bread. And bread. So it's wonderful because you have specific genes that you want and temperament. That's really what you're looking for, and that's great. But the downside is that because you have specific all the inbreeding, right, it causes other issues. So it's a trade off, which whatever. I love my Hazel. And so she's on her special diet. She's still going strong. She's not showing me signs that she'd probably be ready to retire in about two years or so, but she's still going strong. She's gotten to that point in a really old age, and I'm like, let's go. And she was like, I really don't feel like it today. Come on, dog, we got to go, right? Once she's in her heart, as she's ready to go, she's excited and she loves it, but initially, she's like, I am old and I'm done. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep and have some snacks and rub my belly. But, yeah, that was sweetest, pregnancy. And that's it. We'll leave it there because we're at 46 minutes. All right, then. Well, then we get to my own horizon. I mean, for anyone that's like, wait a minute, that's not 46 minutes. It's because I run it through a software that kills all the dead space. So, yeah, we lose, like, five or six minutes. What do you think? I'm a master editor? I'm not. I just find tools to make my life way easier. Yeah, I'm a tech nerd, so that's how I find all these tools, right? So if anyone has any questions about tools like that, ask. I love that stuff. Oh, my God, they're going to release a new phone. Is that exciting? Sure, that's me. I'm that sure. I'm like your wife. Let me tell you about this awesome software. And I'm like, okay. He's like, isn't that great? I'm like, yeah, okay, so let me. Tell you about this article I read or something, right? Let me tell you about these cool school supplies. I see. Anyway, so let me tell you about this or that. Sometimes the funniest is when we will simultaneously run our own conversations. I'm telling you one thing, you're telling me something completely different, and it's going it goes for a good ten minutes, right? And we're like, huh? And I don't think at the end, we don't really know what the other one was talking about. And it's just funny. Both still there for you, right? It's so funny. We're going to end it here, guys. Make sure you guys like and follow and subscribe and share, share, share, share. We need this shared, all right? Share it around. We need it shared big time. Make sure you guys go subscribe to the Islam by Touch YouTube channel. Subscribe to behind the Blind on all of the platforms. Right? Subscribe to Islam by touch and follow us on all of our platforms. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all that. Yadira has somewhere you could follow her Yadira. At always Yadira. Yes at always Yadira. You almost got it. Because she's almost Yadira. It's funny, you're literally trying to think about it now. Yeah, I really am. Yeah. This is how we're going to end this one. Back to this. Life is cyclical. All right, anyway, guys, thank you guys so much for staying with us, for listening, for being a part of this, for being a part of our family. Make sure you guys tune in next time where we take you behind the Blind. Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi WA Barakatuh