How Does Intimacy & Sex Evolve As We Age? And What Do Sex Educators & Adult Toy Sellers Know That We Don't About Acceptance & Going With the Flow in the Bedroom in Midlife?

Martha talks to her friend Tara, with whom she was a "sex-toy lady" about 20 years ago. They discuss how many of "the ladies" evolved into sex educators and some, like Tara, went on to work more seriously as sexologists later.

Tara spills some tea about the life of a dominatrix, fetish parties, and how sex changes as we age. And, with her help, Martha has an epiphany about her journey with (and worries about) her aloof vagina.

Other things discussed:

• Betty Dodson and her Bodysex Workshops
• the Hitachi Magic Wand (Amazon so link SFW!)
• A more ELEGANT toy option - a FAVE, but also comes with a warranty, high-end materials, discreet and a MIND-BLOWING treat for your clitoris. (No C.A. here!) 
• the Wondrous Vulva Puppet
• "those" parties
• Coochy Shave Cream
• What it's  like to attend a fetish party (Your Tango)
• Andropause: The Male Menopause (NHS)

MAV Tip:  Accept the sexual changes perimenopause and menopause brings and adapt. What you like can shift and what works for your pleasure can evolve. Ride the wave and explore and enjoy your new experience.

Take care of yourself. And take care of your vagina!

Everything show related at MyAloofVagina.com

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Transcript

Martha: 0:02

Hey there here's what's coming up in this episode. Because I always thought, and you know, I'm pretty vanilla.

Tara: 0:08

No, you're not.

Martha: 0:10

well, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know what real vanilla is, but I definitely, I'm pretty like, don't, kind of straight laced. I don't know what the right description is, but I kind of always thought I would LIKE to be a dominatrix. Welcome to the My Aloof Vagina podcast, where we explore the distress and surprise of midlife. Menopause is serious, but we don't take ourselves seriously. I'm your host, Martha. And in this episode, I have a reunion with my friend, Tara. She's a woman I looked up to back when I was slinging dildos in my early thirties. That's how we referred to it back then. Partly to minimize what we were actually up to. And it also protected us from too much social scrutiny. In reality we had kind of evolved into a geographically dispersed army of semi-pro sex educators. original company's business was"fuckerware" You know, slumber parties, passion parties, sex toy parties And my friend Tara led the largest team in the company we were with. And that company was For Your Pleasure. Or F Y P. treated us differently than the other companies treated their people. Only at FYP where we getting personal development training, serious business education, AND sex education. I learned so much and I was more fulfilled in that work than I've been in any other segment of my career. But times have changed. You can now get vibrators on Amazon. And nobody needs a lady to come to their house and sell them overpriced bullets, and Rabbits. But for a brief shining moment at the turn of the century, we were able to help women one at a time, face-to-face in the private order room. And it was pretty cool. I have always been proud of that part of my life. And so we can make fun of it, but it was a powerful business that made a difference in my life and in lots of other people's lives and Tara was actually a legend. She built a sex toy lady empire. That was way ahead of its time. She helped forge a path from just kind of selling these novelties. instead having kind of like workshops where we used sex toys as teaching tools In this conversation, we talk about why couples parties never took off, parties for men never took off. fetish parties that she was exposed to after her divorce and how she used that information to change how she did her business and then how she also parlayed that into some pretty cool post-FYP businesses I still look up to her and it's like turning back the clock about 20 years once again, she expanded my mind. This time about what sex can look like as we age and the damage maybe I've been doing, or we could do to ourselves when we expect things to remain the same. This interview was conducted for a different business podcast So we actually talk about My Aloof Vagina in future tense. Because some of the ideas were hatched in this conversation. Also our mic levels aren't great because our producer had to leave us on our own, but even he noticed that we'd veered way off course, and that we weren't talking about business per se. By the way as always anything we talk about during the show is referenced in the show notes for each episode links, more details photos, those kinds of things. You can find them any time right there in your podcast app or at myaloofvagina.com Our conversation kicks off with Tara comparing our sex toy party life to her first direct selling experience with a candle company.

Tara: 3:45

It was true, you know, for a dollar more you could get an extra inch in a candle, but at FYP it was like $50. But I remember thinking, "Oh wow, this is kind of fun." I liked it. I was married at the time, had a young daughter. I was working at a bank full-time, and so I just did parties very, very on the side. So then when I saw this woman, Selling these things and it seemed so fun.

Martha: 4:09

I also was on a similar path. I'd been invited to a couple of parties that I hadn't attended . And then it was Coochy Shave Cream. That someone was talking about with the shaving. And cuz I was, dating a guy with a boat, you know, so I needed to be able to be ready

Tara: 4:23

Bikini ready. Yes.

Martha: 4:25

At a moment's notice.

Tara: 4:26

Are we getting a Coochy Cream sponsorship?

Martha: 4:27

Yeah, I know.

Tara: 4:28

I'm seeing one happen.

Martha: 4:28

They still sell it. You can buy it on Amazon. That's where I buy it. It was great, So someone told me about it and I said, where do you get it? And she said, oh, we get it at these parties. and that was my first exposure to it. It was like stripping money without taking off my clothes.

Tara: 4:42

That's true.

Martha: 4:43

The money was so good and FYP changed my life. What was it like when you first started? Like what was your exposure to these kinds of things before?

Tara: 4:51

Not much. I had lived a very vanilla lifestyle. And at first I didn't really have, the personality for it. I wasn't a public speaker and then just over time it just changed. And, and that's just how it, the ball started.

Martha: 5:05

That's so awesome because you're a legend. And were growing really fast. and we were only recruiting at our parties. And the challenge with the parties...you need someone to be able to stand up for 90 minutes and talk about sex in a comfortable way that's educational and compassionate and funny and entertaining. people who would develop that personality get good at it.

Tara: 5:25

They became shows,

Martha: 5:26

It's showmanship!

Tara: 5:28

Yeah. And once they became shows, the sales got much better.

Martha: 5:31

Yeah. And the attendance was great. And the reputation. And all of that. I loved it. I mean, when I was done, I was done. cuz it ended up being a brutal schedule cuz it was so popular and the money was so good. But I do sometimes think back to how glorious it was was a glorious way to help women and to meet people and have an excellent experience.

Tara: 5:51

It was amazing.

Martha: 5:52

So the bane of my existence, besides the bachelorette parties.

Tara: 5:57

I know what you're gonna

Martha: 5:58

Couples parties.

[ Tara: 6:01

disgusted sound]

Martha: 6:01

They were the worst.

Tara: 6:02

The worst, Who ever thought that was a good idea?!

Martha: 6:05

think we thought we were different because some of the other companies didn't permit it because we were kind of freewheeling, a very open community and I think because we could have men, we thought this was something we were offering, but were a disaster.

Tara: 6:21

Yeah.

Martha: 6:21

Do you have any couples parties stories that you remember?

Tara: 6:24

Oh my gosh. Yeah I did not do very many because I really disliked them but I remember this husband and wife came in the ordering room and they ordered, and then about 15 minutes later, the wife came in by herself and she had another order form and she goes, "I want this one shipped to my boyfriend."

Martha: 6:42

Oh my gosh. Hilarious.

Tara: 6:45

And it was so funny. It was like, okay, no problem. You know. And she ordered so much stuff and she said, "Don't worry. Everything's kosher. I just... He doesn't need to know what I ordered for the other place." And, you know, I just remember being exposed to so much stuff that I had never heard of before Guys would come in and they would handle the toys differently and I love men, but I don't think men and these parties go together.

Martha: 7:08

Yeah. some of the couples parties grew out of, you know, I, somehow, ended up mostly like young moms. And we go through the education, we talk about things like how long it takes for erectile tissue, Like the differences in timeline and all of these things. And their eyes would be big and they'd say, could you do this cuz we want our husbands to learn it. And so some of the couples parties were because they thought their husbands were gonna sit there and listen If they're not gonna take 20 minutes, they're not gonna listen to 20 minutes And then some of the wives were like, you should have men's parties, like have just the husbands. I'm like, that is never gonna go. They are not s ocially conditioned to understand the transaction here, which is, you know, Ted is hosting, Ted bought booze and made his famous brownies. You must spend a hundred dollars. Like men don't that same social pressure. So the party doesn't work. And I later was in wine and I found that with men, so I would pre-sell the wine to the men before I showed up.

Tara: 8:05

nice.

Martha: 8:06

You know, you're gonna be buying two cases on Friday. I wanna know more about what you like. So I had already had a conversation. I would just set the expectation. If I'd known back in FYP days, I might have set the expectation, like every man will spend $300

Tara: 8:20

[laughter]

Martha: 8:20

And so he place an order. OR he just has paid $300 to see a blonde talk about sex for 90 minutes.

Tara: 8:27

Yes!

Martha: 8:27

Right? I could have definitely done that. I just didn't know yet

Tara: 8:30

my gosh. if you want me to suffer greatly, make me do a couple's party, No, I hated them. And people could not understand why. And it's so hard to explain because I don't wanna bash men. I love men! But No. Just no.

Martha: 8:46

And they can't be vulnerable around each other. So that's the other challenge. If there's one dude... He might be able to hang out. Or two dudes and women. Those parties worked out okay, cuz they didn't have whatever their tribal pressure to know everything. I hadn't talked about it in so long. when I first heard about these parties, I thought it was just selling and very quickly it morphed into sex education. Wanna talk a little bit about how that shifted your business?

Tara: 9:12

So parties started turning into sex education pretty naturally when I started getting more sex education. So I had been, you know, small town girl, got married, had a baby, working in a bank. one of the funny things when I first started doing parties is that I would wear like bank work attire. So people would be like, she's a librarian, but she's so naughty. But I wasn't really naughty, but, things changed. So , I'd be doing parties and women would come into the ordering room and I loved that aspect. Either they were just placing an order to help their friend out, thank them for the brownies, or they thought that I was the sexpert because that's what I was portraying myself to be. But I didn't feel good about it because sometimes they would ask me questions and I had no idea how to help them or what the answer was. And I was supposed to, or I felt that something in my kit was supposed to solve that problem. found out quickly that's not at all the case. so it was those women and their questions that I had no idea how to answer that propelled me to start taking some sex education classes, anatomy classes, sexuality classes, sexology classes, even classes about sex and religion, porn addiction, I mean all kinds of different things. And it just started naturally fitting in. And then I had some amazing., amazing women on my team that already had the education and I was learning from them, and then at workshops pick up little tidbits here and there, and then started learning how to kind of morph it into the parties. And then when I was talking about different creams and stuff, I could actually make that the reason I would pull out my vulva puppet or my fun anatomy chart and show them where their clitoris is, where their urethra is, where their vagina is. the women in the audience weren't gonna go, oh, I never knew that, but you could see that a lot of them never knew that because they were never taught, I was never taught. So I felt so good being able to bring that in. And it really changed things because then I was able to really cater more to the audiences that I was selling to.. Then I, I, um, my marriage ended, so then I started dating and that was interesting. oh my word. Not as fun as you'd think. Right? A lot of judgment, a lot of assumptions, things like that. And it becomes this thing like, you're at a bar and you're almost like the party favor. And people are like, do you know what she does? And you have to say to people cause you should shut up. Like, can I just be a normal person cuz I am a normal person. But the education came a lot for me when I started dating this one guy and he invited me to a fetish ball And he sent me a link to the types of clothes that people would wear to this event because it had a dress code and you wouldn't be let in if you didn't reach this dress story short, changed everything and then I started seeing that, okay, maybe the people at my parties are a little kinkier than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe only one outta 10, maybe a couple. But once I started actually kind of becoming not vanilla myself, I was able to really loosen up at parties. You know, it changes everything every time you learn something new. So I really felt like maybe the last five years of my career doing parties that it was still a party. It was still a show and it even got funnier because your jokes just get better over time.

Martha: 12:32

Right!

Tara: 12:33

And you know, the same ones every time.

Martha: 12:35

So there are two things I would really like to revisit. One I wanna know a little bit more about the fetish ball.

Tara: 12:41

They still have them.

Martha: 12:42

Very And then also, one of the things I did that I never should have done was I gave my vulva puppet away.

Tara: 12:51

Sacrilege!

Martha: 12:53

I know!

Tara: 12:53

Well luckily they still make and sell them.

Martha: 12:55

Yes. When I was getting rid of my house and stuff and paring things down, it was one of those things I thought,"Oh, am I gonna store this?"

Tara: 13:01

Yeah.

Martha: 13:02

And I gave it away, but the vulva puppet was...

Tara: 13:05

So much help.

Martha: 13:07

I think it's what set us apart, not just the puppet, but the idea that the puppet would fit into the show. I loved it so much.

Tara: 13:14

I loved it. I still use my original one. I have a different one too, but I still use my original one with clients now.

Martha: 13:19

Was the fetish ball part of that transformation?

Tara: 13:22

Yeah, definitely. The fetish ball, was really amazing. I walked in there and I felt like, "Oh, this is home." It just felt like everyone was there just to have a good time. It was very hedonistic, but it was like you could just let loose and nobody was judging anybody else. And, I really loved that. So we started to explore some things and started to go to classes. There are classes around the world for anything that you wanna learn. If you wanna learn how to spank someone, you can go to a class. If you wanna learn how to BE spanked, you can go to a class. anything that you want, you can go. So we started doing things like that and started going to different events and get togethers and stuff. And meanwhile, I'm still doing my parties. People like versatility and they like to switch it up and they like to spice it up. you know, cute little pink paddles or cute little pink leather blindfolds or things like that so much easier because when I was selling them, there was a truth to what I was saying, and they could tell. I actually was in Chicago for a kink event and a For Your Pleasure regional event almost overlapping. It was really something. yeah, I remember coming out of the hotel and I was dressed in leather , obviously not going to the For Your Pleasure part and someone that you and I both mutually know.

Martha: 14:37

Yeah.

Tara: 14:37

Saw me. She just went, " Huh. Makes sense."

Martha: 14:41

Makes sense.

Tara: 14:42

And then in the ordering room people started, could you help us? Could you show me? Could you tell me? Could we pay you? And at first it was like you think of the couples parties and how, sleazy is kind of the word.

Martha: 14:55

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tara: 14:56

It wasn't like that. It wasn't like they were asking me to come into their bedroom and teach them. Um, okay, well that's not true. Um..., Martha: They WERE asking you to do that. They were, but not like...[laughter] you know, you could tell who wanted, to include you in their kink and who wanted to actually hire you for your expertise and for your knowledge. I took a couple of those clients and it was amazing. I was able to help them and that felt so good to me. and so then I just started kind of reaching out and I connected with a couple of sexologists. I took some trainings on some different things and then I worked with a dominatrix for a very, very small time thinking that might be something that I was interested in. Quickly found out that it is not.

Martha: 15:41

Can you about that for a second? Because I always thought, and you know, I'm pretty vanilla.

Tara: 15:46

No, you're not.

Martha: 15:47

well, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know what real vanilla is, but I definitely, I'm pretty like, don't, kind of straight laced. I don't know what the right description is, but I always thought I LIKE to be a dominatrix.

Tara: 15:58

Yeah.

Martha: 15:58

That I would enjoy it, that it would be fun, it would be a job. And so I could just do it and, and mete out all the punishments and do all the things. And that would be really fun for me. And it wouldn't matter if I got off because I was doing it for a job and I could make money. Um...

Tara: 16:12

Get off?

Martha: 16:13

Well, yeah. I mean, like, I like some, like as a dominatrix who gets turned on by it, like I, I think I would enjoy it, but I just didn't think it was. Something I needed to do for sexual pleasure, but I always thought I would LIKE it.

Tara: 16:23

Yeah.

Martha: 16:23

And then we talked and I imagine that being a professional dominatrix is different than being dominant in your own bedroom.

Tara: 16:29

Yes. Yeah.

Martha: 16:30

And I never thought of that.

Tara: 16:31

Two very different things. Yeah. Very different. Whenever money's involved, it changes everything. I find the D/s world (that's dominant submissive) I mean, it's very appealing to me, and I live it a lot, but when it comes to, an actual monetary exchange, the D, the dominant, is all in the person with the wallet. They're in charge 100%. And being a dominatrix is a job, and it is a hard job. If you know a dominatrix, you appreciate them because they work their ass off. They're basically micromanaging a person. They're also expected to wait on a shelf until they're needed, which, hmm. It's not very dominatrixy to me.

Martha: 17:10

how can you be dominated by someone you're hiring?

Tara: 17:13

you can really connect with a client and there is that D/s energy, very much so, even though there's a monetary exchange, because there's respect, unfortunately there are others where it's not at all the same you know every moment that you're just doing it because you're getting paid and there's no joy in it. But I see long-term business arrangements, People use dominatrixes more than anyone will ever know,

Martha: 17:37

So fascinating.

Tara: 17:38

Yeah.

Martha: 17:39

Maybe there's still, I don't know. Something.

Tara: 17:42

you could go to an event, you could go, I mean, there are clubs all over . You can go and you could just watch or you could participate a little bit. you know, you could hire somebody like me and I would teach you

Martha: 17:52

Right. Because that's how it started...

Tara: 17:53

I could teach you how to do the things. Yeah.

Martha: 17:55

In the order room. I loves the order room. The "confessional." It was the best.

Tara: 17:58

That's exactly how it happened. Can you teach me? Can I pay you? Will you show me how to do that? I have no idea how to do I want my husband to spank me, but he doesn't kind of things.

Martha: 18:07

And where else would you learn that? Um, let's talk about your post FYP life

Tara: 18:11

Yeah. so now I make prerecorded audios that I can sell. they're the kinky variety. They're a little So I put these audios up on a platform and then people can buy them and they're very specific. What I'm providing is not everywhere. It's not cookie cutter and it's not easy to find. just yesterday, oh my gosh, I had so much fun. I had a couple, the male part of the couple reach out to me and he was like, so I have this idea that I could give her earbuds and you could tell her what's gonna happen. So I made this audio and they paid me and I added a lot of stuff that they probably were blown away by, hopefully because, they're so, so specific, it's really interesting to me.

Martha: 18:57

What is a custom recording? Like what was he asking for? Is it narration? Is it telling a story? What is it that people are buying and using in that way?

Tara: 19:06

It's all of the above. Anything that you can imagine, but most of the time it's telling a story. So say Dave messages and he wants to have a fantasy about a woman he's had a crush on and he wants to fantasize that today's the day and she's gonna walk in his office and she's gonna seduce him or have him do whatever it is his fetish is. It could be something as simple as painting her toenails or it could be smelling her armpit, it could be kicking him or they could be having sex or something like that. So I'll kind of role play that person. so it's just me talking to him, but it's me talking to him and using his name. And I'll have them fill out a little form and give me some trigger words, give me some phrases that you really have always dreamt of hearing or you know, things like that. And so I'll put those in there and every once in a while, something will come along and I'll go, "No, thanks!"

Martha: 19:59

Yeah. It sounds like sexy...sexy Madlibs.

Tara: 20:02

Yeah kinda. Right? But very, specific.

Martha: 20:06

We talk about how so much of sex is between the ears and so those audios totally fit that. Yeah. I'm working on a little the time this comes out it won't be a secret anymore, uh, called My Aloof Vagina.

Tara: 20:18

Oh! Wow.

Martha: 20:20

Because as a 50-year-old I returned to relationship and I just wasn't prepared that things had changed. And she's just not as easy to impress anymore. You know, she's like a little. You know, definitely.

Tara: 20:38

That is so funny. You're so not vanilla! Aloof vagina, please!

Martha: 20:42

I have an Instagram and everything, but anyway, the idea that it was always about what was in your head because...

Tara: 20:49

Yeah.

Martha: 20:49

And that's why erotica was so helpful. Just to be able to get in the mood and have a little headstart. And as I'm aging now, of course, like anything sex related or anything biology related, the second I'm aware of it, I wanna learn everything I'm reading, reading, reading.

Tara: 21:03

Yeah.

Martha: 21:03

so now I'm really deep in the hormonal shift world.

Tara: 21:06

Yes.

Martha: 21:06

And learning about that and recognizing that. my brain is very willing.

Tara: 21:11

Yeah.

Martha: 21:11

I'm very excited and turned on, And it's just there's the circulation issue that she's got going on.[in a scratchy old voice] She's seen it all before. Right? And it's hormones! And that was a paradigm shifting moment.

Tara: 21:24

You just sounded like Betty Dodson for a second.

Martha: 21:26

Well, this was my, my, My Aloof Vagina?

Tara: 21:28

Betty smoked until the day she died. I don't know if you know who that is.

Martha: 21:32

her.

Tara: 21:32

She taught millions of women how to masturbate. She did body sex classes. The circle Ladies, Take Out Your Compacts?

Martha: 21:37

Oh! Oh! Oh! I didn't make the connection. That's HER!

Tara: 21:40

That's her. She passed away late last year. Yeah. Yeah. I went to her class. I have a T-shirt. It says I Masturbated with Betty Dodson.

Martha: 21:46

Amazing. In a circle with hand mirrors, right?

Tara: 21:49

Yeah! In her apartment in Manhattan. It was fabulous.

Martha: 21:52

Amazing. My Aloof Vagina sounds like Betty Dodson. Now I know.

Tara: 21:55

It did! When you were smoking like that. Yeah, it does.

Martha: 21:57

it was paradigm shifting thing for me because once I realized, oh, that may have been true, and that may be true in general, but there are also circumstances that are physical and hormonal in nature that need to be overcome. The whole My Aloof Vagina thing is like this journey through, like what's it gonna take to impress her again?

Tara: 22:17

It's great. I love it. I love it. People are paying more attention to women over 50 now.

Martha: 22:22

They have to. Cause I think we're living longer. Maybe when you were gonna live to 60 or 70, you were like, oh, these last 20 years, whatever. But now we may have 40 years left. And for a lot of us, our lives are beginning or we're only 10 years into our freedom after our kids get older. And I'm not willing to give it up. I'm not willing to give up the pleasure. One of the most recent gifts FYP and my time there was that I believe that you can correct challenges and work on them and find alternate ways and I have a big belief in my right to continue to experience pleasure. I don't have to now So, this is the new challenge, you know?

Tara: 23:00

Mm-hmm. Just like anything. We get older we have to work harder to stay in shape. And that includes your sexuality. That includes your pleasure. And that includes your body and your mind and the connection there. And that's something that all of us are gonna face, and we have to choose. Either we say, "Okay, I'm older, that's just part of it." Or we say, "No! F that! I'm gonna work on this and figure it out, and I'm gonna make my vagina be an extrovert!" And that's just how, it is!

Martha: 23:26

I want her like throwing confetti.

Tara: 23:28

Yes!

Martha: 23:28

I want her so easily impressed. And one of those people who's like, "Oh, you're amazing! I want an effusive vagina. I want her to be more enthusiastic again.

Tara: 23:36

Well, maybe there's a, maybe there's a middle place between aloof and enthusiastic Maybe there's like a middle.

Martha: 23:43

I dunno. I wanna seize all my moments, but yeah.

Tara: 23:46

And seize on the difference because there may be other pleasures that you can experience. Women's orgasms only get better. as they get older. You can experience orgasms in many different ways. Our mind and our bodies are programmed to what we used to experience. So then what we're experiencing now, we have to be able to navigate the different channels and the different possibilities that there are in different types of orgasms.

Martha: 24:10

That's helpful too, because I'm comparing myself to what I could do before.

Tara: 24:15

You are.

Martha: 24:15

And I'm trying to recapture. So, Tara, if I had a My Aloof Vagina podcast, and I want you to come on and talk about sex after 50?

Tara: 24:24

Absolutely. I mean, I'm only 47, so I don't know yet.

Martha: 24:27

I know.

Tara: 24:27

But I mean, I'm changing I do find sometimes I'm like, oh, I used to really love that, but now I'm like, eh, what other tricks you got. Martha: Yeah. Yeah. That's a different version of being aloof. Maybe we get more finicky. Maybe we need more attention. Maybe we need different attention.

Martha: 24:45

More custom.

Tara: 24:46

Yes.

Martha: 24:46

Something more customized.

Tara: 24:47

Yes.

Martha: 24:48

even though you haven't aged into it yet you probably have a lot of insight and talk to a lot of people. And have a lot of valuable information. So I think I've just hatched a new podcast during this.

Tara: 24:58

Yeah, I think so. let's not forget, you know, we are aging and the men are aging too. They're changing too. Their sensations, the strength of their erection, the strength of their ejaculation. Everything is changing for them too. So we're all aging.

Martha: 25:12

you know, I've gone down the rabbit hole and reading about hormones and listening to every podcast and book, argh, doing it all. for the first time I heard the term andropause and I'd never heard of that! And they might not know. They just think, oh, why am I tired all the time? Why am I not interested? Maybe there's something wrong in my relationship. Right? They're not recognizing it. And just like every other part of their lives, they don't have that same emotional support and it's not as socially acceptable for them to talk about it, so they're not gonna talk to each other about it. Just like the couple's parties, just like the men's parties, the men are not gonna call their friend and say,"hey, do you find like you're just getting less erections in the morning? Feel like you're tired and wanna nap all the time. Do you suddenly not wanna have sex with your partner because it feels like pressure?" So yeah, let's have a whole episode about andropause.

Tara: 26:00

We really could. And then you also have to note that as much as there's a rabbit hole for us when it comes to trying to find out how to fix our problems, um, rather than, I don't like fixing, like we have to change, we have to adapt, we have to accept, and we have work, right? Men have to do the same thing

Martha: 26:18

I'm so happy to know you, so grateful to have known you for so long and been able to stay in touch and now we have new things to talk about.

Tara: 26:25

Always!

Martha: 26:25

Again, you taught me something and shifted my perspective in a moment! I WAS looking to "fix." Prevent and fix. Delay. Right? it's such a beautiful way to think about it with acceptance and just say, oh, just need to change.

Tara: 26:42

It's a change. Just like everything, just like the planet, just like the ocean, everything changes. It never looks the same every day. We just have to learn, you know, to walk a new path and to find different ways to achieve pleasures. My intimacy and sex life is really amazing right now. to be able to access different parts of my sexuality, different types of orgasms, different types of pleasure, that doesn't even involve an orgasm. Doesn't even involve my vagina sometimes, you know? a lot of times we want back what we used to have, but we're not that person.

Martha: 27:12

Yeah. Mind blown. I'm still gonna pursue the My Aloof Vagina stuff.

Tara: 27:18

I think you should!

Martha: 27:19

I'm gonna do it in a more conscious way because I think this is a healthier way to think about it. And more realistic and more wonderful!

Tara: 27:27

Maybe your aloof vagina needs exposure therapy.

Martha: 27:31

it needs to make more friends.

Tara: 27:33

It needs more friends. You know, you need a circle. Martha: I just need some more friends, So she's feeling the pressure to perform in a particular way that's an expectation. Of yours!

Martha: 27:42

Of MY old expectations. And the individual I was having sex with had expectations about things from the past. So...

Tara: 27:50

Yeah, that's true too. They do. Yeah.

Martha: 27:52

So maybe she's just a little, she's just like, [grumbling with a scratchy voice] "I'm over it..."

Tara: 27:59

I love how your vagina smokes!

Martha: 28:00

She's just smoking, you know? By next year she'll be smoking pot, because it will be legal everywhere.

Tara: 28:05

Is your vagina's name Cookie? Because that's what I imagine.

Martha: 28:08

Cookieeee!

Tara: 28:08

"Hey Cookie!"

Martha: 28:10

Her name's not Cookie, but she calls everybody Cookie. Cookie is her favorite term of endearment. you've now actually created, a full character from my vagina. And here's the other thing...

Tara: 28:20

Perfect!

Martha: 28:20

...that's fun? I'll have to get a new vulva puppet for some of these conversations that she's gonna have.

Tara: 28:26

I can bring mine too.

Martha: 28:27

Perfect.

Tara: 28:28

Yeah.

Martha: 28:28

This has been so great. I'm, more excited that we get to do another thing

Tara: 28:32

I didn't think I'd be saying this today, Martha, but I'm very excited about your aloof vagina.

Martha: 28:36

Thank you. I am too. The challenges you're trying to face for yourself are the ones where you can pass along the focus and the learning. So I'm super excited. Let me message him so he knows he can stop the recording. He [the producer] texted me, "I am off. Talk about all the sex stuff you want. Text me when you're sigh]

Tara: 28:53

That's great.

Martha: 28:54

Thank you for listening until next time. Take care of yourself and take care of your vagina. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend. You think would enjoy it too.