Quick Skills: Self-Advocate with DEARMAN

In this Quick Skills episode learn how to use the DEARMAN strategy to self advocate for your wants and needs to others. 

Transcript

Welcome And Safety Notes

Speaker 0:00

PsychBytes with CCS is a weekly podcast hosted by Student Life's Counseling and Consultation Service. This show is dedicated to discussing a wide range of topics pertaining to mental health commonly experienced in the college setting. It is important to note that this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. All of the topics on this show, while discussed by professionals, are strictly psychoeducational and meant to inform listeners on available resources, skills, and support. Topics on this show can be sensitive in nature, and should you find yourself needing additional support or resources, please visit ccs.osu.edu or call us at 614-292-5766. With that in mind, enjoy the show.

Introducing The DEARMAN Skill

D And E: Facts And Feelings

A And R: Ask And Reinforce

M And A: Stay Mindful, Appear Confident

N: Negotiate And Find Limits

Practice, Avoid Resentment, Next Steps

Speaker 1 1:11

What is up everyone and welcome to PsychBytes with CCS. My name is Josh and I am back with another quick skills episode. And today I want to focus on self-advocacy or asking for something for yourself, setting boundaries, asking or making requests of other people, something that a lot of us struggle with on the daily. Why is it hard to ask for what we need? Why is it hard to say what we mean and mean what we say? Well, for a lot of us, it's the fear of being judged. It's the fear of coming across as rude or disrespectful, or I'm going to create some type of rift between me and a friend or a family member or another loved one or someone that is in power in front of me, like my professor. So I want to talk about how you can effectively advocate for yourself while still being respectful yet assertive at the same time. And to do that, we're going to use a skill called DEARMAN. And this comes from dialectical behavior therapy, and it is another acronym. If you've been following the Quick Skills, acronyms are pretty popular here. And DEARMAN is going to teach us a strategy for getting our wants and needs met in social situations. Now, DEARMAN is a six-part acronym. D, E, A, R, M, A, N. Starting with D, we are going to describe, and we are going to clearly describe the facts of the situation. A fact is something that you can see, I can see, a random stranger on the street can see as well. This is not an assumption. This is not an opinion. This is not an interpretation. So for our example, we will just simply state something like, You've asked me to work late every day this week. E is going to represent express. So here we're going to state our feelings clearly and let the other person know how the situation is affecting us. Don't expect people to read your mind. Try using phrases like I feel blank because blank. So I feel overwhelmed because of how much extra work I've been given lately. A is for assert. You need to be direct when you are asking for what you want or need. Be clear, be concise. Don't minimize with only and just be direct. A simple statement of, I need to resume my 20-hour work week. You're being very clear. You're being explicit in what you need. There is no room for the other person to interpret what you are asking. R is for reinforce. Explain why it would be helpful for the other person to grant you this request. Express thanks for if they consider it. So not having to work overtime will allow me to be more productive because I will be less stressed and overwhelmed. I appreciate you for considering this. M reminds us to be mindful. Stay focused on your objective in the interaction and try to avoid becoming reactive or defensive with their responses. If necessary, calmly repeat your request. Remember, if you let your emotions take control of the conversation, you are no longer talking with the other person. You are talking at them, and communication will absolutely break down. A is appear confident. Use body language to project confidence even if you don't feel it. Stand up straight, make appropriate eye contact, avoid restlessness or being fidgety in the moment. Practicing the conversation you want to have beforehand can absolutely help you appear more confident in the moment because you've already gone through this. You know what you want to say, you know how you want to say it. So find a trusted friend or person in your life that you can practice this with, and that will help you appear more confident. Finally, N is for negotiate. Know the limits of what you're willing to accept, but also be willing to compromise with the individual you're talking to. Resuming our working late example, you can say something like, I'll continue to work late this week, but I won't be able to maintain this workload moving forward. And that is how you utilize DEAR MAN to effectively advocate for your wants and your needs. I encourage you to run back through this, practice it with an example that maybe is more applicable to you, and maybe practice with friends because again, this is an absolutely critical skill that a lot of us don't practice regularly. So when it comes time to actually ask for what we need or what we want, we hesitate and we pull back and we don't. And then we sit there and we suffer in silence and slowly build up resentments or anger or frustration towards somebody who doesn't know that we have a problem to begin with because we aren't stating it. So I encourage you, go out there, try it out, and see if it doesn't make situations feel a lot more manageable. And that's all I have for today's quick skill episode. Keep your eyes peeled for future ones. And until then, I'm Josh, and this is Psych Bytes with CCS.