Fire Fighting : Captain Ralph on Trauma, Faith and Becoming a New Man

Before becoming a Kansas City fire captain, Ralph was struggling financially, working odd jobs and facing a pending felony connected to his former street life.

After joining the Kansas City Fire Department in 2012, Ralph entered a world built around discipline, sacrifice, brotherhood and service. He began his career earning approximately $13 an hour while responding to fires, shootings, overdoses, fatal crashes and other emergencies across Kansas City.

In this deeply personal conversation, Ralph describes discovering a body inside a burning home after believing the building had already been searched. He also recalls helping rescue a young boy from an apartment fire moments before the building began collapsing. Although the crew got the child outside, he later died from smoke inhalation.

Ralph explains how firefighters process death, why humor is often used to hide difficult emotions and why mental-health resources are essential for first responders.

He also steps outside his role as a fire captain and examines his own life. Ralph speaks honestly about suicidal thoughts, alcohol, infidelity, divorce, his need for validation and the decisions that hurt people who loved him.

Now, Ralph says God is creating “the new Ralph.”

He discusses fatherhood, mentorship, accountability, protecting his children’s minds and his desire to leave a legacy by becoming a fire chief. His testimony reminds us that the person rescuing everyone else may also be fighting to rescue himself.

This episode explores:

Firefighter trauma and mental health
Fatal fires and difficult rescue calls
The brotherhood inside the firehouse
Life as a Kansas City firefighter
Going from a pending felony to fire captain
Fatherhood and community mentorship
Marriage, infidelity and personal accountability
Suicidal thoughts and emotional healing
Faith, transformation and redemption

May his wounds become beautiful scars.

We pray you’ve been Indelibly Marked.

Content notice: This episode includes graphic descriptions of fatalities, child loss, suicide, shootings, substance use and relationship trauma.

#IndeliblyMarked #Firefighter #FirstResponderMentalHealth #truecrime #FaithJourney

Dominique Kuykendall
https://youtube.com/@indelibleartsnetwork

https://www.instagram.com/indelible_rudy/

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

They say the search was clear, you know, we communicate up on the radio, and so we're putting out the fire, whatever we're doing. I think a lot of fire. Uh, I'm in the room and I'm walking and I kick some and I bend down, and it was a body. And I'm like, I thought they already cleared, you know, the primary. And so I'm like, struck 11 firefighters, you know, uh C, I got a victim. That's the first time I ever had to say that. It's a bigger person. Had to drag them out of there with somebody, and I remember their uh skin was melting off. One of my good friends had put me on, man, when I got out of college, man, I went to school for outdoor rec and leisure studies. So initially, I was supposed to come home and run rec center. Actually interviewed, I grew up in Southeast Community Center, the little one, the one that was like on the on the east, on the west side of Swoke. Like the half courts touched, you know, the three-point lines touch the half courts. Little bitty facility. Yeah. But grew up there, man, you know, uh, Southeast Library, all that. And uh when they built the new one, I think that was right when I was getting out of college. So I'm like, I'll call, I qualify. I got a good resume from things I've done down in Springfield. Boom, boom, boom. I go through the any interview process, everything cool. They do the background check. I had a pending felony from down in Springfield. I used to be hustling. You know what I'm saying? Like, I've done a lot, bro. I've done a lot. And so that kind of made it to where they was like, well, why this felony, pending felony, is on your record, because I was going through a program called Drug Court, where you can get things expunged off your record. So getting that, going through that whole process, working fireworks and and working all other kind of odd end jobs. This is probably 2009, 2010. You know, my homeboy was like, man, I'm about to try to get on the fire department. He already owned at Ford out of high school. So he we think it, he's rich. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? We like, bruh, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, bro, you got you got paper, bro. I'm like, I'm just trying to get $1,000 a week and some benefits. If I can get that, I'm cool. You know what I'm saying? Man, struggling to pay $350. I was splitting it with one of my homeboys and my sister. We stayed together one time. Struggling to pay $350 a month, bro. Split? The rent was $700. The rent was $700, but we're struggling to come up with $350 every month. Plus bills, you know, internet. We got kids, you know, we going through it, bro. Yeah. So, um, bro, tell me about the fire department. And so, you know, me, whenever I do something, I'm like trying to find out what's the best way for me to be successful with this. I hear about people who are hosting, you know, um, trainings to teach you how to take the test and how to get higher rank on the list because they put you on a list. You go in, you take a written test, and then you take a test in front of some cameras where they evaluate how you answer certain questions, how you critically think. And so they kind of train you on that. And I'll be very transparent. The black firefighters got them, the Italian firefighters got them, the white firefighters got them, the Mexican firefighters got them. Everybody got some mentoring group where they helping their people get on them. And I love it, bro. I love it. I've I've met some of the best people from different cultures on this fire department, bro, from everywhere. So I ain't got no hate or no shade to throw at nobody. Everybody trying to help uplift their people. Cool. It's guys that are Hispanic, uh, Italian, uh, whatever, white, that have helped me. And I'm black. But vice versa. I don't care where you come from, bro. But there are those people who, if you ain't the right skin color, they ain't fooling with you. They might not say it, but they gonna treat you different. It is what it is. But I always try to make sure, you know, I try to help guys from any background. If you a good dude, hard worker, and you want to be a firefighter, I'm gonna try to help you get on the job, man. But just know this ain't no walking apart. You know what I'm saying? It's got its gravy times where stuff is cool, but it's got some times, bro, where you gotta get 10 toes down and do what you gotta do. You might have to put your life on the line. Yeah, I'm saying it is what it is, and that's the expectation. It's not, oh well, nah, man, that that fire was a little too hot or oh man, I didn't want to go out there and do that. Nah, bro. If it's your day to work, come to work. You know what I'm saying? It don't matter if it's a storm, it don't matter if this, man, if something's not wrong with your kids or your wife, you need to be at work, bro.

unknown 4:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Because it's people counting on you. You know what I'm saying? It's people counting on you to be at work so they can get at home to go be with their family. Because it's it's three shifts, A, B, and C, 24 hours. Shifts start at 7. The expectation is to be there at 6.30. Because somebody might have to take their kids to school. Somebody might have to go to their second job, somebody might have to go catch a plane and go somewhere, bro. Be there on time, do what you're supposed to do. But if you, you know, you're selfish and you worried about yourself, you rolling in there at 659 because you don't get paid till 7. That's not gonna work, bro. It's not gonna work. Like it's a family, it's a community. It's not like a normal job. So there's gonna, but I tell you what, you're gonna get, if you become a fireman, you're gonna get more out of KCFD than you put into KCFD. There are some guys that commit a lot of time, a lot of energy to the fire department, man, and we I thank God for them. Guys who work for the union, guys who work in different shops or for different um peer groups or stuff, and thankful for them. But for the masses that are just working, we get a great benefit from being a firefighter as opposed to what we put into it. And if people looked at it from that perspective, we will keep on an upper trajectory. But I think, you know, you get different generations and you kind of got to coach them into that or get them to understand and appreciate that. You know, like when people be like, oh man, you all afford. That's a good job, boy. You better go to work, do this and that. You know what I'm saying? The fire department's more than a job, man. Like you can just have a job and go to work and eventually you will make good money. When I first started out, I was making $13 an hour. On the fire department? 20 2012. I was making $13 an hour running the burning buildings, bro. You know what I'm saying? And was happy to do it, bro, because I had health insurance. I said, cool, my son's straight. My daughter was on the way. I'm like, I'm cool. I'm like, I got that. But then what people don't think about is the opportunity outside of the fire department.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

Firemen paint houses, wash windows, work on cars, run accounting businesses, uh, lawyers, dentists, all kinds of stuff on their days off. I'm on grass. There's a vast majority of them more grass. Because it's just a hustle. You know what I'm saying? It's not as uh there's not as much of a commitment to more grass as other things. It's a lot of flexibility. But um, but then the mentorship, man, you know, sitting in there with cats, when you some cats get on at 18. I got on when I was 27. You get guys that are have been married, you've got guys that have been divorced, you got guys that own businesses, you got guys that have raised kids, you've got guys that have been through whatever in life, had cancer, whatever, that can help you. When you in that kitchen, we all cooking, cutting up tomatoes and onions and getting stuff together. They giving you game. They teaching you about life. And they're telling you what you should and you shouldn't do. But they, you soaking it up. Hopefully, you soaking it up. You know, there's a big epidemic where people kind of stay back in their rooms now. And we try to keep people, you know, during the day, everybody needs to stay up together. You know, we need to keep that brotherhood, that fraternal type camaraderie. You know, wash the rigs together, clean the bay together, clean the floors together, wash the windows together. Because during those times you're having those conversations, bro, that help build your character. It's not about just keeping the station clean or we're cooking together as a family. You're developing character and getting wisdom from these older cats that they got the wisdom. You only the only way to get wisdom is to live life. So you could be smart and be young, but you ain't got no wisdom. You wisdom is built through time. So you soaking up all these games from these older dudes, and it's, you know, I just think you know, that fatherhood aspect, like I got a guy called my white dad. Um, he's just he's just retired. I got much love for him, man. He he's taught me so much, man. Every captain I've ever had, bro, has been amazing. You know what I'm saying? Like when I first came on, man, I thought my captain was racist, bro. He'll tell you, I'm a redneck, but I ain't racist. Ex-military, good fucking dude. Solid human being, bro. Everybody don't like him. If everybody likes you, there's something wrong with you. If everybody don't like you, there's something wrong with you. Everybody didn't like him, but you respected him. Bro, solid dude. My white dad, my old driver, solid dude. You know what I'm saying? My next captain after they retired and went on, solid dude. Learned a lot from him. My last captain, who was pretty much my peer but got promoted, you know, learned a game from him about stock market, parenting, you know. I still can call him up right now and be like, hey, bro, I got this and this going on, man. Like, what's what's your advice? You know, having those networks, man, it's important. And again, that's a white guy, a white guy, and an Italian. I got other captains that are black or Hispanic or whatever or Italian, like one of my closest homeboys, Italian, Italian, stallion, Italian, bro. You know what I'm saying? Big name Italian. But uh, good dudes, man, that I can reach out to, you know, and get advisement and give direction to help me kind of do this thing, the fire department life, personal life, all that.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

What was one of your biggest surprises going in through? Uh also another thing to go with that family aspect. I always thought it was dope to see y'all all going grocery shopping together and all of that. So I always wondered about that.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Yeah, well, I mean, we gotta stay together because if something happened, we we all gotta go. So um, the biggest surprise, the first big biggest surprise, I was in Fire Academy, and I had an uh instructor who was telling us, when you guys go on your end day, don't be going out to Vegas and going on drug and liquor binges and not be ready to come back to work when your end day is over. And he kept saying, end day, end day, end day. So I raised my hand, I'm like, what's the end day? And the whole class turned around looking at me like, what? I'm like, yeah, bro, what's the end day? They're like, that's why everybody does this. If I'm in work eight days a month, it's nine on the schedule. But one of them days, every ninth shift, you don't have to come to work. Now, the way it is now, you can elect to work that day, but that's a paid day off. Well, it was a paid day off at one point in time. Now it's a scheduled day off. Some things have changed with contracts and whatnot. But you off. So every month you could plan a vacation if you wanted to. Had no clue, bro. I thought I was signing up for 25 years every three days, and I was with it. I'm like, cool, I still got two days off. So I could do whatever, you know what I'm saying? But uh had no idea, man. So that was a big shock to know that we had an end day. Um, because that kind of gives you a little bit more flexibility with vacations and family and things like that. Um, another big surprise, man. And you said y'all only work eight days a month? Yeah, man. I can show you a calendar, bro. No, I believe you. Yeah, it's 24 on 48 office. It's 30 days, and three divided by 10 is nine, 10. You know what I'm saying? Depending on the month. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, or a cycle, I guess I should say. There may be some months where it's 10, but like, yeah, we only work eight, nine days a month. Okay. But it's 24 hours. So ultimately, we're working more hours than a normal American. Gotcha. And you're gonna have to work a weekend here and there. You're gonna have to work a Friday, going on a Friday night. You're gonna have to work a Saturday, Sunday. But you still get more time off than time that you're working.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

And you was going into another one of your biggest suppressions.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Man, I I don't know, man. Um, I mean, like, I got plenty of crazy stories.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

We uh yeah, we can do I was just talking about coming into the fire department.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

The end of that we could go to the um, I like that it was paramilitary. I still like that we try to keep that. Um, because I like the discipline of it, I like the structure. I think that keeps us in a certain light. I think it's a that keeps us in a certain respect. Because people always feel like you know, the fire department show up, they gonna treat us with respect and love and understanding. Police show up, no disrespect to the police. You know, we don't really fool with the police, you know what I'm saying? So we always try to keep that personal uh interaction with people, and I think that comes from the paramilitary background, knowing how to treat people in lieu of. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Um, so yeah. And and like I told you earlier, before we started watching this, I'm watching this show called Fire Country right now. And of course, they in Cali, so they deal with the wildfires and stuff like that. But they also have this program that's connected with the prison, yeah, where some of the prisoners help out as far as, and it's called Three Rock with them on that show. Okay, and they help out, they kind of get experience with firefighting and stuff. I guess that's one of the programs out there you can do in prison to cut some of your time or whatever. Right. So, do y'all have programs like that too?

SPEAKER_01 14:12

As far as I'm aware of, no. Like, we don't even do like ride-alongs or anything like that no more because of the liability. You know what I'm saying? So I bet their fire department's probably state-ran, state-funded. Prison's probably state ran, state funded, so they can integrate. You know, we're run by the city, we're not run by the state. Um, you know, the police here are ran by the state, not by the city. So, you know, different circumstances from different states. But um, nah, man, our process is, you know, anybody can become a fireman from 18 to 30 years old. Uh, you can increase your chances by already having your EMT license, already have your fire one, fire two, your hazmat awareness, those certifications that can get you moved up to the front of the line. Uh, you gotta live in Kansas City, Missouri. Um, but yeah, but you could just like me, man. I was just off the streets, bro. I didn't have nothing. I was just like, I'm gonna go in here, I'm gonna interview the best that I can. And I rank pretty high inside my class. Um, but I tested horribly throughout. Throughout, I struggled, man. I'm not a I I won't speak this on me. I have not been a great test taker. Even when I took my promotional exam for captain, bro, like my conversing skills, like my personnel stuff and my tacticals on video, solid, bro. I was up there. But that written test, them 100 multiple choice questions, it was not what's up. So, which in essence, when you're really talking about it, that lets you lose some credibility. They like, yeah, man, you know what to do. You know how to handle people and handle scenarios, but you ain't got the books. And so where I'm at right now, like, I'm kind of conditioning myself to make sure if I promote to Chief, which, you know, I kind of go back and forth if I want to aspire to do that, I think I will, regardless of what pans out in life. Because I'm like, well, if I'm making money over here, I don't really need to do it. But I think I'm trying to do it for legacy, man. Like, it's not for the money, bro. I just want to do it so my kids can say, my daddy got a college degree, my daddy owned the business, my daddy was the chief, my daddy was always there. So that's about it, man. But uh, in order to do that, as you go up higher, the competition gets heavier. And now, you know, it used to be um almost anybody could test, you know. Now they have a little bit more requirements of the you have to at least get a certain score on the written before you can even go to the practicals. They take out seniority points on the Chiefs, because it used to be you could be a 10-year firefighter going in with a 25-year-year firefighter, they got 15 points on you off the rip because you get a point for every year after that 10 years. So unless you get 100% on the written, they might have got a 65, but they had a 90 or I don't know, uh, uh, an 80, I guess. I don't know the math. But so them seniority points will whoop people's butt. Now you gotta at least have a minimum score of a 70 to even go on to the practical portion. With the Chiefs exam, you have to, they don't have seniority points, but they looking at do you have a degree in fire service? Do you have a degree in public service? Do you have any certifications outside of what the basic requirements are to be a firefighter? Those kind of come into the decision making on where they rank you, not just your written test and your practicals on your tests, other things whole weight. So, you know, as we go on, more people are getting those certifications, man. So I so I really gotta, I really gotta be on it. But uh I'm I'm excited for it.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Do you have to be able to, what's the amount you have to be able to lift to be a fire?

SPEAKER_01 17:45

So it's not a lifting requirement, man. Fire department's like a football team, man. You got little people, little people, big people, fat people, slow people, you know, you just gotta uh pass a CPAT test. And once you pass that your first time, you're good for the rest of your career.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

What is CPAT?

SPEAKER_01 18:01

It's a candidate physically abit physical ability test. And uh they put you on a treadmill for I think two and a half minutes with a 50-pound vest with another 20 pounds on your shoulder. And you gotta, you can't touch the side, you gotta walk on that. I think two or two and a half minutes, and you get off, they take the 20 pounds off. You still got the vest on. You gotta do a dummy drag, fireman's holes pull, you gotta force a door with a sledgehammer, um, fireman's carry with like two big chainsaws, a certain distance. Um, go through an entrapment drill tunnel, dark tunnel with all these cords and wires and stuff. Um do a simulation of force ceiling, and maybe one or two other things. I ain't did it in 13 years. But um it's not, it's it's it's it's difficult, but if you're in shape, you you can get it done. Um, there's a lot of people who want to make it a requirement to where you got to do it every year, like the military. Like they have what's called uh, I don't know if it's they have a test like for push-ups, sit-ups, and your mouth time. And the mile time gets longer, the amount of push-ups is less, and the amount of sit-ups or whatever is less as you get older. But the fire department's saying, you know, we should have that as well, because you know, just like the police department, sometimes we got some people that you look at them and you like, damn, bro, you are you gonna be able to save yourself if something goes wrong? But you know, and no disrespect to them, you know, but I think you know your physical fitness is a depiction of who you are as a person. So because some people get in there, yeah, I'm here, I'm comfortable now.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

I didn't, I didn't be here. I get what you say. People get comfortable quick, bro. Another thing I uh I seen on that show is, you know, like you mentioned, learning how to use a saw and all that. A lot of this stuff we don't, as kids growing up, you don't know firemen do, like helping people out of cars and all of that stuff, learning how to do all that. And I think they call them first saw using a saw or something on that show, but yeah, but a lot of those things, I I think it's very important that you giving us this information because we didn't know y'all did all of that. All the oh yeah, yeah. Well, so there wasn't no surprises as far as all that y'all do when you got on the nah, man.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

I mean, and then in the there's more than that. Like, we got a rescue division, bro, that they do water rescues, they train, bro. Some people feel like, and I agree, they might be the most well-trained people on the fire department, bro, because they train all summer, dog. Once the weather breaks, they out in the Missouri River training. They are Worlds of Fun training, they on uh high-rise, scaling off the side of the buildings, doing stuff, doing high-angle rescues, all that, bro. Like, they locked in, bro. Like, that's when you want to show up, you know what I'm saying? Like, everybody's good, but they locked in, you know what I'm saying? Then we got uh Hazmat, where you know they've been real big in the last few years, with like we've had um the NFL draft and the parades. They do a lot of monitoring with chemicals and guns and drugs. They have monitors that can see inside of backpacks and smell like bombs or drugs or different things to keep folks safe. We got a drone program, you know what I'm saying, where they can do overwatch or help with the police, where if somebody's held hostage in a building or house, they can send a little bitty drone in there to kind of see what's what, to help the TAC team get in there to where they know is it booby traps in the house? Is it holes in the floor? Is it this? Is it that? To help so, like, yeah, man, it's a lot, bro. Yeah, it's a lot. We got a lot of different departments that are doing different things and uh guys that are interested in those departments. You know, rescue guys like doing the rescue stuff, the drone guys like doing the drone stuff. The guys who like being busy like being busy. There's everybody wants to be busy for the most part. But you know, the core is where you're gonna get the most action, and then as you go south, as you go north, east, west, you're gonna get less. But uh, yeah, man. I was blessed to work at 63rd and Purcell, man, for 11 years. You know, I grew up on 68th in Jackson, so that's my hood. Hogan's right there on Meyer. So I'm always seeing people that. You know, I knew growing up from the neighborhood. I was very familiar with the area. You know, I got involved with mentoring then when I was fresh out of college, doing stuff with a foundation that we made for my homeboy that passed away. Um, so it was it was a wonderful experience, man. I love 29s, man. Love it.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

So, what was your first call? Like, like mentally, where were you at? Like how your adrenaline and all that, like what was your first call?

SPEAKER_01 22:25

My first call was just a diabetic call. So when you're in Academy, they send you on a ride-along. And uh, you know, I show up to a station, it was station seven on Southwest Boulevard, uh, right underneath 35. They call it the cave. And so I'm with two people who were from Mass, but on KCFD now, two women. Uh, one of them actually works for me now. I'm her captain. Crazy how things come full circle. But um, yeah, we just ran a call at Penn Valley and the guy's blood sugar was low, and we got it back up and was what it was. But that day, yeah, we probably ran 22 calls that day. You know, our EMS system was uh very strained for a long time. It's a lot better now. But back when I came on up into shoot, man, probably 2022, man, it was it was a rough EMS system, especially going through COVID and all that. You know, like it was rough, bro. Like COVID was rough on the fire department, man. I mean, they they putting off whole stations for COVID, bro. You know what I'm saying? Because if you in a station where you can't go in your room or there's no body isolation proceed, you know, protections, everybody getting sick. You know what I'm saying? And not just that whole shift, but the whole next shift and the whole next shift. So overtime was rolling, mandatory, you know what I'm saying? It was it was wild, man. Um, but yeah, I remember the the one crazy thing I did see that first shift, uh, we ran a guy in Gillam Park who was overdosed on heroin or something like that. And I had never been exposed to Narcan. And, you know, his veins was all shot up for being a user. So she threw the Narcan in his jugular. Bro, dude woke right up. I was like, because I got him on a monitor, blood pressure, you know, finger probe, you know, he breathing like five times a minute. So that you know, you ain't breathing, you you starting to get brain damage. Dude woke up, he said, Oh did you give me Narcan? She said, Yep. He said, All right, well, where are we going? Bro, kick this feet up, kick this feet up, and said, What hospital are we going to? She said, You want to go to Truman or St. Luke? He said, take me to Truman. Because he he done did it so many times, bro. So, like ambulance abuse is a big thing. People use the ambulance to kind of move to different parts of the city like an Uber, because they know we can't deny you. You know what I'm saying? So they just like, yeah, I'm trying to get down to the city. Now they won't tell you that, but you know, I mean, you pull somebody's name up and you see in the last month, they done called us 30, 40 times, bro. You know what time it is. You really can't say nothing to them. But it's one of them boy boy cry wolf things, you know. They might be on BS 30 times, but that 31st time, they might really be coding, or they might really have got shot, or they might really be dealing with a domestic violence situation or whatever. So gotta go. You know, you shoot, you gotta take everything serious.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

Did that I mean when Dude did that though, that super threw you off. I was shocked, bro.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

I felt like God touched him and was like, awaken my son. Like, bro, because I was like, ain't no way that worked that fast. But since then, I've seen Narcane used several times. Like, I think you can get an Arcane at CVS now because it's such a common thing because of uh how heavy fentanyl is in the streets right now. They want people to use, you know, to have it available because it will bring you right back, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

Well, not even that part. I'm talking about the part of him throwing his head behind his. That was the second thing that she did.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

I said, bro, you really chill, like you was about to die, bro. And he he was like, No, I'm cool, bro. Like, I'm good. Because he he already knew because he'd been down that road so many times.

SPEAKER_03 25:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

Now you still got to take him to the hospital because that Narcan's only gonna work for a certain amount of time. But for the most part, man, once they get hit with that Narcan, you know, they they they they're gonna be good.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

Now, every call is serious or meant to be serious, but do you remember your first like serious danger call like that could put y'all's lives in danger too?

SPEAKER_01 26:18

I mean, any fire is dangerous, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Whether it's a little fire, a big fire, because the smoke can get you. I remember my first fire, it was all on the second floor, and we walk in, the first floor is clear as it's a light haze. So I didn't have my mask on, I had my pack on, I had all my gear on, but I didn't mask up. But I'm choking, bruh. You know, you might see some older cats, they might be in there breathing fine because they've been doing this for a while. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, which is another thing we need to touch on is cancer awareness. But um my little baby lungs wasn't ready for that. You know, I've never been a big smoker or anything like that. So had to mask up real quick, but then when we opened that door, I saw that fire coming down the stairs. It was like, oh, this is for real. You know what I'm saying? But we could have walked in, it could have been a hole in the floor. We could have walked in, the ceiling could collapse. You know what I'm saying? Like there's things that you were trained to look for when you walk in, but there's always them unknowns. I mean, we walked into houses where they've had ammunition going off or oxygen tanks in the house, and you know, when them get too hot, they explode, and that's a big explosion. You know what I'm saying? Um, booby traps in house. I mean, we deal with a lot of stuff, man. Or people have uh drugs, drug houses, you know, with different drugs that are in the air while it's burning, you know. So yeah, so like I was saying about the cancer where it's like, you know, back in the day when a house used to burn, you could probably get away with going in there without your air pack at first or whatever, because all it's burning is wood. Most of the stuff in the house is made out of wood. The house is made out of wood. But now you go to Nebraska Furniture Mart, IKEA, everything's made out of polyester, plastics, all these different things that when they heat up and they melt, they put off all these different toxins that go in your lungs or your eyes or your mucose membranes and bind to you, and they cause problems later on down the road. So fighting fire, like, yeah, we're still doing the same job, but we're fighting a different type of fire. And it used to probably take, you know, 20, 30 minutes for fire to reach its max heat potential. Now, bro, house can go up about five, 10 minutes, depending on what's in it, bro. If it got the right fire load, the right things that can burn, yeah, it can get real hot and real hot quick. Quick. So we gotta be on it, getting there, getting water on it, getting our search, making sure it ain't nobody in there. You know what I'm saying? Because you know, it might be home, homeless people, or somebody got them and their kids out, but they dog in there, you know what I'm saying? So we gotta go in there and get the dog out, you know. So it's gotta be on it, man.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

Yeah. Can you give us a few stories of a few of your scariest situations?

SPEAKER_01 29:01

I mean, you may not have been scared, but I'm just No, I mean, I I think if you don't have a healthy sense of fear, then you're a fool. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, you gotta respect it, bro. You know what I'm saying? The most firefighters who die in line of duty from fires are from eight years to 15 years on the job. Because that's right when you feel like, I know what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm Gucci, I've been working in a busy spot, I know what I'm doing. And you get a little bit too cocky.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

And you forget to sound the floor, or you forget to check to see if that wall is leaning. You said you forget to do what on the floor. Check the floor. You know, you come in, you you hit your axe or something on the floor to make sure it's not soft, make sure the fire is not underneath you, or getting on the roof. You know what I'm saying? All these different things that you pick up over time. Like you're gonna learn how to fight fire in the fire academy. But once you're out of fire academy, that's when you learn how to be a firefighter. Fire Academy teaches you how to pass the state tennis and get your certifications. But once you get out on the streets, that's when you really learn how to make sure you make it home to your family. Because if all you knew was what you learned in Fire Academy, you'll probably die, bruh. Like, even from the way that we park the trucks on the highway, bro, like all of that is strategic. From how we protecting people, protecting us, protecting the victims, protecting the traffic, like all that is strategic of how we do it. And if you do it wrong, you're making you and your crew susceptible to a catastrophe, bruh.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

Like being on the news or being the headline because you didn't do some one little simple thing to stop you or somebody else from getting killed. Like it's serious. So yeah. But nah man, um I don't ran every kind of car, man. I don't ran suicides, I don't ran uh decapitations, bad shootings, um, gang shootings, uh delivered babies, dealt with domestic situations, all kinds of fires. So yeah, man, everything, you know. But it's just, I just think it's just a part of the job, you know. I'm just thankful that I'm somebody who enjoys doing it. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, I really enjoy doing it. But you don't remember any of the stories from it? Most scared I've ever been, and it wasn't, I mean, looking back, I shouldn't have been scared, but I think it's from a video game. Remember Resident Evil growing up where you like going in these buildings and the things just jump out? There was somebody setting fires to autumn schools out south in Grandview. So one off Grandview Road, one off Longview Road. We kept Roberson, Paul Roberson, we keep running these fires in these abandoned schools, bro. But abandoned schools, man, if it's actually on fire, like you still gotta search. So we, you know, and this is a big, this is a large area search. So you gotta split up. You ain't really got your whole crew with you. And you looking in here with this camera, you know, it's dark, bro. Like, you can't see nothing in a fire, man. Like the way it looks on TV, that's not how it is, bro. You cannot see. If you bend down and crawl, you might even see, but walking, you can't see, man. And it was, you know, it was just scary, man. You know, going into a classroom with desks stacked all up because it's abandoned, and seeing graffiti on the walls and all this stuff where you can tell where it was a homeless person sleeping there or a tent, and you got to go in there, you gotta check, you gotta see, and still worry about, you know, you might not. I'm at this point, I'm searching, so I'm not with the hose line. I'm away. So if it is fire or something in this room or somebody, I'm solo. So yeah, uh, that was scary for me. You know, other people they might not have cared. You know, some guys don't like going on roofs. I love going on a roof and chopping a hole, you know, on house fires or uh commercial buildings. Sometimes we have to go up and cut a hole over the epicenter of the fire to get the heat and the smoke out, which makes it easier for the guy said, man, it's the hose lines. Love doing that, man. I was blessed to be on a truck company um straight out of when I got out of fire academy, I got assigned to an ambulance on 24-hour shifts at 29s. So I'm just working 24 hours every shift on a medic unit grinding. But when it came time for me to get a suppression spot on a fire truck, I got on truck 11. So I was like, cool, you know, truck 11 is a well-respected truck, you know what I'm saying? They they do work. So um I was blessed to be on that truck for 11 years, man, and followed a lot of fire, had a lot of memories with a lot of guys, learned a lot, did a lot. So yeah, yeah, but uh I can't think of one particular store. One uh there there was two. There's a fire on like um 55th and Harrison. Uh, you know, we zoomed down there, that's our first thing. And uh, you know, we get there and they say the search was clear, you know, we communicate up on the radio, and so we're putting out the fire, whatever we're doing. I think a lot of fire look like a hoarder house. And uh I'm in the room and I'm walking and I kick something and I bend down, and it was a body, and I'm like, I thought they already cleared, you know, the primary. And so I'm like, struck 11 firefighter, you know, uh C, I got a victim. That's the first time I ever had to say that. It's a bigger person. Had to drag them out of there with somebody, and I remember their uh skin was melting off, you know what I'm saying? Because they had been under so much heat. So, you know, trying to grab somebody and pull them and they're overweight or whatever, that was uh that was hard, and you know, I was just mad, you know, because I felt like would I have found her sooner if uh if they didn't clear, because you know, once you hear all clear primary, you kind of gear it down. You know what I'm saying? Just like when you on the way, if Dishbats say reports of people trapped, reports of people uh can't get out of the building, reports of somebody still in the building, you gearing up. You like, all right, I gotta get here, I gotta be locked in, I gotta make sure the people on my left and right, because we gotta go get somebody. It's not just we going in to put out the fire, which we always search every structure, no matter what. That's why folks say, man, why y'all keep going into parade park to put out these fires? Because this might be people in there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we know it's the 30th time they done caught on fire this year, but it might be folks in there. So we gotta take every, we gotta treat each one the same. But when you hear confirmation, your brain go to a different level. You know what I'm saying? It's like fourth quarter in football. Like, all right, it's fourth quarter, bro. We gotta go. So um that kind of set with me, you know. But uh talking to my white dad, you know, he was just like, listen, man, tell me what you could have done different. We ran the safest, fastest route there. We got in, hose line went in, search guys went in, guys went to the roof. We did everything we supposed to do. He's like, sometimes, man, it just ain't in the cars, bro. He's like, You did what you were supposed to do. He said, Don't take that home with you. And that's one thing I never try to take stuff from the fire department home. But the other call, I remember we were out in Raytown, and uh I'm with some guys, I'm on truck 11. I think I'm on overtime, but I'm with some guys who they I'm young, but they they locked in. And uh for whatever reason things weren't getting done. So we grab a hose line. We own a truck company, but we grab a hose line. So the pumpers, those are the ones who go in with the hose line, they put out the fire. The truck is responsible for search and ventilation. But because of circumstances, we got a hose line. We putting out apartments. You know what I'm saying? We're going in, two of us is searching, two of us is putting out the fire. So we're rocking and rolling, bro. We're going from this unit to this unit, up the stairs, this unit to this unit. Third floor, boom. My guy putting out the hallway, we searching the bedroom. My dude, hey, I I got a kid. Like, and the third floor was fully involved with fire. You know what I'm saying? But then we hear the emergency tones. They pull the horn, they do that three times. That means you gotta get out. That means whoever the command is on the outside, it sees something, it's like we need to evacuate the structure. So my my my guy, like, nah, man, let's just keep putting it out, man. I almost got it. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna stick in here with you. The other two guys, they take the little kid, they take him downstairs, they get him out. We still in there fighting the fire. Almost got it. I'm like, bro, let's go. Cause I'm young. I'm like, let's get out of here. That means we need to leave. Captain came up the stairs. Hey, get the F out of here, let's go. So we drop everything hooks, axes, holes line, run down the stairs. We get back out to the street, bro. The building was like imploding from the middle, right where we was at, because the hallway was in the middle. You know, it was like the two apartments here, here, two apartments here, here, joint in the middle. We in the middle, it's imploding, bro. So it's like we didn't have it. We didn't have it. Um, so I'm glad we got out. Um, I'm glad we got out of that one. Um, you know, we laugh about it or whatever, whatever, you know. Firemen laugh to keep from dealing with their real emotions. You know, we kind of laugh it off, but we was very thankful that we got out of there. But uh about three or four days later, I'm watching the news, and the kid that we had got out of there, he wound up dying. All he had was like a burn on his arm, but he had died from smoke. The smoke had gotten him. He was just right there in the hallway, you know, coming out of his bedroom. And uh he looked just like my nephew, man.

unknown 38:18

And I was like, damn.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

That kind of ate at me. I'm like, man, why didn't we start at the top and work our way down? Because then maybe we could have got him and he would have not in held, you know, as much smoke. Or why don't we do this? Why don't we do that? But it's like, nah, we did what we was trained to do. You know, bust these doors open, go in here, search, boom, boom, boom. We was moving. Like we did, I we did a good ass job. But, especially coming from where we came from, because like I said, we in Raytown, bro. So it's it takes us a little minute to get there, and when we got there, we had to assess the situation, see what was going on. Had we not done that, that kid would have been probably found in the rubble days later and not been able to have a proper service because we got his body out. You know what I'm saying? Because people was not going in there fooling with that fire, bro. They was not fooling with it. So, but we was in there doing our thing, you know what I'm saying? Not to be on no hero type stuff, but we was we was getting it done, bro. So yeah, I was I was very sad that, you know, the kid didn't make it, but I was very proud that we at least got to, you know, get into his family so they could have a service for him, you know.

SPEAKER_02 39:23

Yeah, that was cool. Do y'all have do you have you ran into a uh a peer that's like real superhero type, one gotta run in there and try to save everything.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Well, I mean, not not not even on the saving thing, but there's guys who live and breathe the fire department, man. And to some extent that's good because you need guys like that, but you know, there's some guys that you almost look at them and it's sad because it's like when they retire, they don't know what to do with their life. Yeah, I'm saying, like everything that they do is the fire department. So I've always worked to make sure I keep a good work-life balance, you know, between my friends outside of work, my friends on work, you know what I'm saying, the commitment I make to work. You know what I'm saying? I take the job very seriously. Like that 24 hours you got me, bro, you're gonna get the best fire captain you got, bro. One of the best that you got. But when I'm gone, I'm gone, bro. I'm I'm being Ralph now. I'm not being Ralph the fire captain, I'm just being Ralph now. I'm being Ralph the dad, Ralph the mentor, Ralph the the fraternity guy that's doing frat stuff for community service or whatever. But yeah, I don't try to let the job consume me. You know what I'm saying? Maybe I should take it more serious in certain aspects, but right now I'm very happy with with the balance that that I got.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Has there been a lot of um, I don't want to I don't want to say fail. I want to say that weren't so successful as far as like saving the lives, uh going into the fire.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

Yeah, I mean, or just even an EMS call. I mean, there's things that we can mess up on, man. I mean, you know, like we ain't perfect. You know what I'm saying? But I think we we are the best shot that anybody's gonna have for a heart attack, car wreck, uh, water rescue. We are one of the best in the nation, bro. We're gonna give you the best shot that you got at surviving, man. From the training we do, the CEUs, our medics are great. We got a medic on dang near every fire truck now. You know what I'm saying? The ambulance system. It's come a long way from 2012, from when I came on. And uh that's saying a lot, because it's only been 13, you know, 13, 14 years. And I can imagine how far some would say that it's come from the 90s or the 2000s. So, you know, most of what we do is EMS. You know what I'm saying? Fighting fires is a small fraction of what we do, smallest per percentage, I should say. Um, but it's also one of the most dangerous things that you can do. You know what I'm saying? But I I think we provide a high quality of care and a high service to the city of Kansas City, man. I'm I'm proud. I'm proud of what we do. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 42:01

Is there a big like jurisdiction thing when it comes to stations? Like, oh yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

It's like the NFL draft, bro. When you come out of Fire Academy, man, it's one of the most stressful times of your life. Because where you land, bro, it's gonna dictate a lot. Who you work with, who you work for, the amount of calls you run, the type of calls you run, you know what I'm saying? Like you could be a good dude. Like, let's say you uh what's the dude to play for the Cleveland Browns, the DN? Miles Garrett. Miles Garrett. You could be like a Miles Garrett, the biggest, strongest, most intelligent dude out there. But the way the chips fall, you might wind up working at the airport. Or you might wind up working way out south somewhere where they ain't really doing much, or way out east off 350, just chilling. You know what I'm saying? Just chilling all day. Some guys want that. Some guys get older and want that, some guys are younger and want that, whatever. But if you want to do the job and learn, fight fire, run EMS calls, help people, you want to be in the core of the city. And so unfortunately, there's a limited amount of spots. You know what I'm saying? And some people just don't get that opportunity sometimes. That's why I said I'm thankful that I did. You know what I'm saying? And some people don't even consider 63rd and percent of the core. I mean, that's fine. You know, I've I've I've worked at 31st in Indiana, you know, I've worked down on Avenue, you know, I've I've worked everywhere, man. You know what I'm saying? But I've was assigned to, you know, um 63rd. So, um, but yeah, it people who want to do the job want to work in the city. And uh some sometimes that happens for them right out of the academy, sometimes it doesn't, you know, but guys also want guys who want to work, you know what I'm saying? And not just run cars and fight fire and do car wrecks, but keep the station clean. And do demos in the community where we go talk to kids at schools and give us a good impression. So when it comes time for taxpayers to vote, people vote to keep, you know, the stuff going for the fire department. You know what I'm saying? Guys that are gonna cook, you know, guys that are gonna be good to be around. Because you can have one bad guy up at a station, bro, and not just on the shift, but one guy at the station, and it could ruin the whole station, bro. Because they just got a bad attitude or bad personality or don't have good people skills, you know what I'm saying? It's like a cancer and it just spread. You know what I'm saying? And some guys would rather be at a slower station with good dudes, and they know for that 24 hours they in harmony.

SPEAKER_02 44:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

As opposed to when you get into the core because you got so many guys that want to do it from so many backgrounds, you're gonna get different personalities. And it's it, you know, that's kind of the job of the captain to kind of make everybody mesh, keep that camaraderie, that harmony between people. And, you know, it's almost, you know, I tell people sometimes it's like being a dad, man. You know what I'm saying? You but it's it's weird because you have guys that are older than you or have more time than you, guys that are younger, but you got to keep that balance and that harmony because outside of just what we're dealing with at work, well, that dude's going through a divorce. That dude uh, you know, just found out that he has cancer. You know, that guy, his business just went under, or you know, or this guy just found out that his kids are doing X, Y, and Z. So everybody's bringing home to work. So you kind of got to manage that too and make sure that everybody's straight. You know, everybody's respectful of everybody's personal space and business, but just over time, we live together, bro.

unknown 45:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:44

So people gonna talk about certain things, you know what I'm saying? And you know, they say men gossip more than women, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to say it's gossip, but you know, we're here to try to help and support one another, you know what I'm saying, through whatever you get to, you know what I'm saying? And and you hope that that is positive in that space. And you hope that if it's confidential, it stays confidential. You know what I'm saying? If somebody comes to you and they talk to you about something personal, you don't let that leak out. Or you lead them in the right direction. Hey man, have you gone to 42 cares or have you gone to, you know, a therapist, or have you gone to talk to a doctor about this, you know? Because guys deal with all kinds of stuff, guys and women, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so you want everybody to be comfortable, man.

SPEAKER_02 46:26

You know, but do the state part is do the stations get along with each other though?

SPEAKER_01 46:31

Yeah, I think everybody for the most part gets along. It's just a healthy competition. Like everybody wants to be first, everybody wants to do good. You take pride inside your station, you know what I'm saying? You wanna show up, get the job done, get the job done right, and go home. So you can't be just coming in their area fighting a fire? You you can, because we all work together, you know, based on districts. Because a normal house fire, you probably gonna get three pumpers, two trucks, a rescue, an ambulance, a chief, maybe another EMS shooter if it's a working fire, dah da da da da. So you're you're going to get, depending on where it's at, different stations from different districts that all work together, unified. But the expectation is no matter who shows up, if your crew shows up first, there's an expectation of what your crew's supposed to do. If your crew shows up second, there's an expectation of what you're supposed to do, third, fourth, and so on. If you show up and you don't do what you're supposed to be doing, somebody gonna come have a conversation with you. Because not only are you not doing your job well, but you're jeopardizing the lives of not only your co-workers, but the citizens. So, yeah, guys take a lot of pride in it, man, and and I think they should. You know what I'm saying? You need to know what you're doing. And, you know, guys say, oh, well, we you know, the guys that work out south or the guys that work up north, we don't get as much repetition. You know, like they don't get to fight as much fire, they don't get as much car wrecks or shootings, and da da da. I think that's valid. But when you get one, you need to make sure you handle it. You know what I'm saying? Like that's your opportunity to show, can you handle it? Because if you sitting on your butt and then when it comes out, you like, oh well, I was, you know, la da. Nah, bruh. When it's when it's your time to step up to the plate, bruh, step up to the plate.

SPEAKER_02 48:17

So I'm lost here. Why do firefighters have to uh work shootings and stuff? Because I heard you say you had to do the gangs, you've dealt with gang shootings and all of that. Well, I thought growing up that's just a police thing.

SPEAKER_01 48:31

Like, you know, well, police don't provide uh EMS. Okay. You know, they just there to keep seeing safety. They can provide EMS. Like they're trained, they're CPR trained. Um, they know how to put tourniquets on to stop bleeding. They learn how to put compression on wounds and stuff like that. But they don't have the advanced life-saving or basic life-saving training that we have. To get you to the hospital, drop lines, drop meds, do all these things, check heart rates, all that. They don't do all that. You know what I'm saying? Their thing is to protect people from crime.

SPEAKER_02 49:04

Okay, that's what I'm that's what I was saying. And you may mention that that many times EMS is actually with the fire department, not.

SPEAKER_01 49:14

EMS and fire, yeah. So you're gonna get the fire truck, it's gonna have a bunch of basic life or man's life-saving stuff on it. And then that transport unit will come. I remember we ran a double shooting uh in the 50s. Uh these two kids got killed, man, drive-by shooting. Uh, kid was in the front yard, bullet in his chest, another kid was shot in the head. So, you know, we get there, we looking at them, we assess them, we like, yeah, man, they DOA. Uh, dead on arrival. Yeah, yeah. But the uh medic was like, they got a post on the one that got shot in the head. Well, based on several different circumstances, it was gonna be a minute before the EMS unit was there. The cop grabs the kid, throws him in the back of his cruiser, drives him to research. You know what I'm saying? He wound up getting the Medal of Honor or whatever for what he did. The kid died. Should have taken the children's mercy because they specialize in children. Not saying what he did was wrong, but it wasn't the best option. It's not what we would have done. But the city wound up getting sued because the family was like, you were not the one who was supposed to provide that level of care. Now, some people would be like, I don't care. The ambulance wasn't gonna be there anyway. Somebody needed to take him. Yeah. But they could argue that we could have provided him care right there on the scene, as opposed to him riding up to the other hospital without any oxygen, any medication, any compressions to keep his heart going. So, you know, that's one of those things, you know, it's a slippery slope. You know, did he do the right thing? Did he not do the right thing? Yeah, and then the court of law decides, all right, you know, folks gonna sue for whatever they can sue for. Not saying that they don't deserve to sue for that, because that was their kid. And maybe he would or wouldn't have died anyway, but that's just a tough one, man.

SPEAKER_02 50:55

His mindset was just trying to rescue this kid.

SPEAKER_01 50:57

Yeah, his mindset was let me just grab him and go, you know, which some people might be like, well, that was the right thing to do. And there's other folks that'd be like, nah, you know, you should have let them do what they needed to do there at the scene and waited on a transport unit. Or let them do what they need to do, and they could have transported with you if they knew it was really finna be a minute before they got there. It was a Saturday night, probably two or three in the morning, man. You know, city pop and clubs is letting out, you know, we short staffed, you know, and it was just it was just like that up at that time.

SPEAKER_02 51:26

So do you remember the worst car scene you had to deal with? Accident?

SPEAKER_01 51:31

Man, I remember the most miraculous, bro. Yeah. This car got cut in half, bruh. Like an Ultima Basic or Kia Toyota, something. 63rd, Indiana, bro, right by southeast on the uh the the the football field side, bro. Dude was coming up so fast up 63rd going eastbound. The lady said she looked and it wasn't no car. But by the time she turned out into the street, he hit her and she hit a pole in the car, split in half, bro. She was sitting on that brick wall, bro, in a lawn chair, chilling, unscathed. Not a scratch on her, bro. The dude's car didn't stop till up by the Southeast Community Center, the old one. So that's gotta be a hundred yards where his car stopped after colliding with her using one of them Durangos, the SRT ones. She was unscathed. But yeah, I've seen some, you know, some bad stuff where we had to cut some folks out, and they might have some cut open this and the third. I remember uh I ran this wreck, man. This dude was going down 71, uh, going south by banister, and he came off the road and went up into a tree. The car was upside down, hanging. The car was still running, music still blasting. You could smell the green in the car, you can smell the liquor. And but I remember he was hanging by a seatbelt and his Rolex, he had on a nice watch. He was just hanging there dead, bro. And we had to figure out, you know, at that point, it's it's not a rescue, it's a recovery. You know, he's dead, so we kind of idle down. But we like, we gotta figure out how to get this car down out this tree, get the guy out the car, you know, do all this. So that was wild.

SPEAKER_02 53:15

How does a car get in like I'm missing it?

SPEAKER_01 53:18

Like I dude was racing, because you could see it was two sets of time marks. Yeah, he's racing, and uh, I don't know what they called her the marks when the car York ski marks, it's another name for him, but there was like a drift when he came off the road and it shot him up, and the car was up in the trees. Because you know, off the highway, there's only a certain amount of green space before it's woods. You know, he was he was up in there, bruh. Music's still blasting, you know what I'm saying? We trying to work, you know. He's like, Ralph, turn that radio off in there, you know what I'm saying? Because, you know, I'm I'm big on that, man. I go in the folks' house, the first thing I do is turn the TV off so we can hear it, you know. Yeah. Turn the light on so we can see, you know. But I'm also checking, make sure who's in the back room, who's this, who's that, you know, make sure we're safe while we're in there, you know. That's a big part of my job now as a captain, to make sure we can do what we need to do safely, you know, not just assessing the patient. So another one, uh, Carl Wreck, man, there were these girls leaving a club, man. Uh 71, right past 75th. Uh, they got ejected down into the woods. And uh we had to, you know, get them on a stoke basket and pull them up out of there, da-da-da-da. They so out of their mind, they like, it's two more girls down there. So at that time, we didn't really have a drone program, but the police department did. And we right there off 75th, you know, they got the new station. So they were sending a drone to use their thermal imaging camera to see if it was somebody down there. And it was kind of cold that night. So we would have seen if it was some bodies down there. Um, we get the girls out or whatever, whatever. We got our ladder up with our thermal imaging camera looking for bodies. We not finding up. We got guys down there searching. Come to find out, the two girls that was with them said they refused to ride home with them. They was like, y'all too drunk. We we not riding with y'all. They was at home sleep when them girls wound up going to the hospital. And I don't know if uh if they passed or what happened past that, but I know them other two girls and their families was pretty glad that they didn't arrive with them that night, man. Yeah, but yeah, that was a hectic scene, you know, getting them stabilized and getting them out and uh doing all that. But yeah, man, there's there's been plenty, man. There's been plenty.

SPEAKER_02 55:31

What's the longest y'all like spent on a scene? If you can remember.

SPEAKER_01 55:36

Man, they got this thing called, I think it's called the 20-minute clock or something like that, where you want to try to get on scene, get somebody extricated into the hospital within 20 minutes. I'm saying if if you can get somebody in that 20-minute window, they had the chance of them living is very good. There's an exact name or term for it or whatever. Like I said, I'm not a not a tech guy.

SPEAKER_02 55:56

Actually, get them there in 20 minutes, or get them on the way.

SPEAKER_01 56:00

Get them to the hospital. You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, it's a short window, but uh, I mean, it just depends, man. I mean, we've we've had fires that we've worked for days.

SPEAKER_02 56:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:10

You know, because it's a lumber yard or it's a building that, you know, we really can't get to the epicenter of the fire. So we just surround it and drown it for a while. Like we might have five or six companies or seven companies there at the start, but once we kind of assess and see what's going on, we might just keep one or two there and rotate them through for the next two or three days. You know what I'm saying? Um mulch fires, you know, those start down at the bottom of the mulch pile. So once they get to the top, well, that's probably been burning for a day or two before you even can notice it. And it's gonna burn everything around it. That might take a couple days to put out.

SPEAKER_02 56:44

How can something like that even start?

SPEAKER_01 56:45

Could you say that it's something that's called internal combustion? It's like when you have oil and heat all compacted up under pressure, it creates heat and then it internally combusts. Um, so we got like the Missouri Organic out on um 40 Highway and the one out on 470. There's another one up north. But yeah, we've had big fires at those, you know, the one on 470 jumped the highway one time, jumped over 470, bro, and start burning apartments over there. So yeah, uh, it can that that's a lot of fire load because it's all wood. It's an endless amount of wood. We had a pallet fire a couple years ago down off of uh Front Street, man. That was crazy. You know, a lot of guys, you know, I wasn't there, but a lot of guys said that's the hottest they've ever been. You know, because pallets have void spaces between them. You know, it's just wood, it's just a pallet that you stack boxes on inside a warehouse. But they had hundreds of them stacked up, lit up, caught on fire. You know, heard stories of like signs melting. You know, we lost a couple fire trucks that day because the fire trucks parked to put the fire out, but the fire kept growing and the radiant heat was so great, it like burned the paint off the sides of the fire trucks and stuff, man. So, like, you know, thankfully everybody made it safe through that. But uh that's that's a lot of heat, man. For it to not even be direct flame impingement, this that's radiant heat hitting it, bruh. That's hot. Yeah, that's over a thousand degrees, man. You know what I'm saying? Thanks. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:13

Uh I was uh uh just riding with my wife yesterday, and I would because I got a truck. And I'm like, you know, those little the the side of the little brick wall on the side of the highway or whatever. Yeah, the on the bridge part. I'm like, dang, that kind of low, bro. I can kind of like, if somebody hit me, I can flip over that. Like, how often does that happen to where, or have you seen that where that happened where a spark goes over the room?

SPEAKER_01 58:39

Normally not cars, because they rated for cars and trucks, but like, you know, bigger trucks, you know, fire trucks. Like when I'm on a fire truck, you can see stuff that you normally can't see in a car.

SPEAKER_02 58:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:48

You know, and I'm just like, oh, you know, I get that same feeling. Um, but yeah, it it happens. It's not common, but it it happens. Uh uh, why wouldn't they raise them a little bit for y'all? Or is it um I don't think it's uh I think they just said that they do what the state of Missouri or National Highway Patrol is rated for the majority of cars. The majority of cars will hit that and not go over. Those that are exceeding that, you know, it's it costs money, bro. They have to re retrofit every bridge in the United States or in the state of Missouri. You know, like right now, bro, they doing all this construction, man, all these new bridges and roads cut down. That's money, bro. So uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:26

And I always wonder why this is offset, but I always wondered why they didn't have the like put fences where deers can't get on the highway and something like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:36

And people have lost less risk, but they they got them in certain areas, and in certain areas, man, you just can't help it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:44

As far as uh suicides, have you ever had to deal with yourself trying to talk somebody from committing suicide?

SPEAKER_01 59:53

So that's more of a PD thing. Okay. Um, but if we talk to somebody, you know, sometimes we ask people, do you think you're gonna hurt yourself or someone else? And then once we get them to that point, we'll be like, okay, well, you know, we want to take you to the hospital, get you to the psych wars so they can kind of address it because they're professionally skilled. Cops have more training in that realm than we do. You know what I'm saying? We're gonna keep people cool, calm, collective, but we're not gonna give them too much more than that. We just gonna sometimes have to restrain them or just transport them to the hospital. Yeah. So, um, shoot, man. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts myself, man. You know what I'm saying? And it's a shame to say it, but bro, you know, life starts to pile up on you. You like, man, maybe I need to check out of here. You know what I'm saying? Thank God I didn't, bro. Because I love my life. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Very, very thankful and blessed. But yeah, man, due through some of my dark times, bro. Thought about, man, maybe I'll just be better off not being here. So that's why I'm such a strong advocate for, you know, counseling, therapy, mental health, emotional health, giving up drinking or slowing down on drinking, you know what I'm saying? Because all those things have an effect on your cognitive development, you know what I'm saying, or decision making. So when you got a clear mind, you know, you you start to value yourself and other things around you more.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:07

So as far as like, have you had to deal with losing a lot of people, not a lot of people, but some people close to you on the job? Yeah. And how do y'all deal with that as far as the family and speaking, like telling the family or letting them know?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:25

I mean, there's guys that I know that are still hurting from guys that have died years ago just because they worked with them for so long, or they built relationships with them and their kids and their family, or go on vacations together, or been in each other's weddings, or you know, that was their son's football coach, or you know, best man at their wedding type of stuff, you know what I'm saying? And then you go to work one day and you hear he committed suicide, or you hear he died in a fire, or because somebody else died. Now this guy committed suicide because he did that, and it's a domino effect, like, yeah, man. But that because of that, because of those things, the department pushes a lot of mental health things. You know what I'm saying? So guys have an outlet, you know what I'm saying? Outside of, I think for the most part, we have uh as a whole talk to guys and want to make sure everybody's straight because this has been such an epidemic through the 90s and the 2000s and the teens. But um, I'm glad that we have a lot of more mental health options for guys who don't want to share at the station or don't want to look weak or soft or whatever, you know what I'm saying? You got an outlet, man. You know, you got somebody you can go talk to. We got peer support groups, man. We got a lot. So I'm very thankful for that.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:42

How is it dealing with the like, you know, half the because talking to I think Tashawn might have said something about it, but my boy Levandon, who's a sheriff, you know, losing a peer and having to go tell the family. And he said hearing the scream of a mother or you know what I'm saying, or a family member, they lost one of their family members to one of that. I mean, to that is like I've never had to do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:11

Um, I feel like I can't. I mean, I've done it for my family. You know, I've done it for my close friends. You know, I've had to be the one and tell them, hey, you know, your mom is gone, or you know, your dad is gone, or this and that. So, like I said, I feel like it's the reason why I have this. This is me being a firefighter is not just my job, it's kind of part of who I am. You know what I'm saying? So, um, but I've never had to do it for anybody that I've worked with. Um, but I am on two or three people's lists to where if they die, then the department contacts me to be the person to go to their family to let them know.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:47

Got you.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:47

So that way it's a familiar face. Somebody they know, you know, they don't just got some chief or some guy that they've never seen before coming to tell them that their daughter or their son died, you know what I'm saying? So uh, and they've done really good with that, you know. Like each year they make sure that they update that list and they make sure that, you know, some guys get tired of it, but it's like, man, if that winds up being your family member, you know what I'm saying, you will want the right person to be there. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:13

So So when you when you dealing uh with people you know personally in your personal life, and you like you said, you worked in that area where you probably have to go uh remove people or like help people that you know. It's not hard for you to make decisions in that time you don't ever become irrational and thought and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:36

Nah. Not even if it's family. Our friend calls on my family, friends. He's just like, y'all know what I'm here to do. Like, you know, let's handle this business and we'll talk about it later. You know, drug overdoses or domestic violence stuff. Like, I don't judge nobody, bro. Like, we just here to mitigate the issue right now. If you want to talk about it later, cool. If not, that's cool too. And I'm here to judge nobody, bro. I I can't judge nobody, bro. Like I said, I done done it all. You know what I'm saying? So I'm just here to do my job.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:05

Some viewers may find the following information in this video disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:12

I've uh tried some like psychedelics to try to figure out why I am the way I am. I say that because my my testimony to today, while we beating around the bush, is uh the thorn that's always been in my side is women, man. Women, bro. To just be flat. I've always been a whore, man. Like, I ain't never been faithful to nobody. Always moved around. You know, I could blame it on my frack, I can blame it on how I was raised, I could blame it on looking for validation or affirmation through women because I didn't get it from my mom. But at the end of the day, I was moving like that because I wanted to. Because I wanted to, because I didn't value myself enough to not withhold myself from just who. Whatever. You know what I'm saying? So uh, but through that, you know, the good side, I've always been an active good father. You know, I've always been present. I've never let that stop me from providing and protecting and being a good dude. But I was always that good, yeah, rough a good dude. But you know what I'm saying? Like, just I just had my 40th uh birthday, you know, and I was with my closest friends. And uh, you know, we had dinner and they all went around the table, talked about, you know, how I've grown and what they appreciate about me as a friend. You know, it's just a thing that we do, you know, show love, you know, you get your flowers. And one of my homeboys was just like, yeah, man, you know, dating out here in the city, bro. You know, your name comes up, you know, and they be like, You friends with Ralph? Like Ralph Frazier? You you you know he he this, this, and this. And he like, yeah, he is, but he also is all of this. So, you know, it felt really good. And I mean, I know all my friends have dealt with that. All of them. My sisters, my friends. You was her way like that? Bro, I remember when I got married, man. Uh, it's this cat I went to high school with every time he would see me and I would be with my wife, he'd be like, Damn, bro, you really married. Like he would say that in front of me and my wife. Like, damn, bro, you really married. He'd be like, I can't believe it, because at high school, I was on that. Like, you know what I'm saying? And not like I was that dude, but I think it was I needed, I was seeking validation. And so I got that through women. Like, if they like me, they gonna tell me you did a good job. They gonna come to my game and tell me they're proud of me. They're gonna say, Oh, you're a good dad, you're doing this. They're not gonna tell me you're just doing what you're supposed to be doing. And no disrespect to my mom, because now I know what she was building. She was setting a foundation and a standard. But the sensitive side of me needed somebody to speak to the you're doing great. I needed that affirmation. That's my love language. And I got that from multiple different women over the course of the last 22, 23 years, bro. So, like, if I could say anything before I forget, I sincerely apologize to all the women that I have wasted your time, hurt you, wronged you, um, any of that, man. Another wake-up call, bro. Last year, I'm still, you know, I'm divorced, but I'm still dating or whatever, doing my thing. Same old, same old, same. And uh somebody hit me up and they say, uh, they got you on this uh list. Hey girls, this is your man? Facebook thing. And I ain't never really been on one of them. You know what I'm saying? Because I try to keep it 100, you know. I probably always kept it 98. But um, I'm on this list. So they got a picture of me, and it's three pictures, but I see one of the pictures I had only sent to one person. I knew exactly who it was. And I'm like, why are you even asking if I'm dating anybody? I've never been on a date with you, I haven't spent no time with you, I ain't, I ain't done it. Like, why why are you concerned? Not even somebody I would ever take seriously. So I was just like, cutting her off. But then I keep getting updates on the comments. The comments is like, uh, has issues with alcohol, you know, abuses edibles, you know, um, maybe a possible SA. Because I've always, you know, been kind of like aggressive or like um persuasive or like that with women. But to be a possible SA, that's sexual assault, bro. I don't want to be associated with that. So that was kind of like a wake-up call, like, damn, this is what some people who I have been in contact with, and of course, on these groups, it's never the girl that you were involved with. It's somebody that knows that girl and they're coming to speak on their behalf, which is fine. I I I know all my wrongs that I've committed, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, um, there's probably not a sin that I haven't committed, bro. There's not a sin that I haven't committed, you know, and I'm just thankful that God uses his worst because I'm I'm probably one of the worst. And it's crazy because people will look at my resume or look at who I present myself as in the world and be like, oh, that's a great dude. That's a great fire captain and a great father. You know, he's a good dude. It's like, yeah, but he got this other side. He got this demon that he he wrestling with, he's fighting with this thing with validation, you know, and that's always been my thing. It's funny, uh, I told you I was gonna get on my phone. I downloaded this app called Duomo. And Duomo is basically a personality test, and it tells you which man of the Bible that you are akin to. And so I take this test. I'm like, you know, I'm doing all this soul searching and remind us to go back to the psychedelics, because that's important too. That's happened in the last few years. So duomo tells me I'm like Paul, the persecutor. I'm like, what? I got all men in the Bible, Paul. So it gives a breakdown. I I can read it, it's kind of long. So it's giving you Saul and Paul. Because it's the transition. Yeah, so I'm in my transition phase right now. Gotcha. I'm going from the dude that used to be out here killing Christians, you know, but he went through that period where everybody thought he was a hypocrite. Like, I ain't believing that N word right there, he ain't changing. I know him. You know, like my my cousin might say that. I know Ralph. He ain't changing. You know what I'm saying? He ain't changed for nobody. But through the last few weeks and few months, how people have seen me move and act, they're like, okay, you know, he might be, maybe he can a little change. The hardest part is, you know, your your flesh is gonna go to what's familiar. I've been doing the same thing for 23 years, bro. So now I'm finally having a wake-up call. Like, after going through three different baby mamas, after going through a divorce, after going through all this stuff, all this hurt, all this whatever, now I'm trying to move different. And it's just like, why not me? Why not me? Because there's nobody who can tell me that you can't have custody of your kids if they know my story when it comes to getting custody or having a relationship with my kids. Okay. There's nobody that can tell me that you can't provide for your kids no matter of circumstances. If people knew my testimony on what it has taken for me to provide for my kids. You know, I fought for my kids, dog. So if there's any men out there, whatever you're dealing with, bruh, baby, mama, drama, whatever, if you need a life coach or somebody that can help keep you involved in your kids' life, hit me up. Because I can tell you how to move, how to navigate. I ain't done it all right, but the fact that I've done a lot of it wrong means I can tell you what to do and what not to do. You know what I'm saying? Because I made a lot of mistakes, but I've always been there. You know what I'm saying? That's always been important to me, I think, because I didn't have a father.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:06

I've been wrestling with God, with this thing with women, bro, since I was 16, 17 years old. You know, and I'm finally just like, uh I'ma let go. I'm gonna let go. I'm gonna let God, I'm gonna be abstinent, I'm gonna just let him do what he needs to do with me. Because it's always been me, God, and, or me, God with somebody on the side. You know, even women who are Christian, who are trying to help me come to Christ or learn about the Bible, this and that, still mess it up. You know what I'm saying? So now he's just like, bro, why don't you just stay focused on me for right now? Let me do the surgery that I gotta do on your heart and on your mind. And then once I'm done with you, then we can go, you can go do whatever it is that you need to do. But right now, I'm I'm I'm in the wilderness, like I said earlier. You know what I'm saying? And I gotta just have faith in him that he's gonna provide me what I need and stop doing what Ralph thinks I should be doing and just move how God wants me to move. And it's it's pretty freeing, man. Like I really don't be worried about nothing. Oh, you've been cool on it so far? I've been cool, man. It's been tough, you know what I'm saying? Uh, but you know, everything I've ever done has been to get women. Have a good job so you can get women. Yeah, look good so you can get women, stay in shape so you can get women, play sports so you can get women, you know, be a good dad so you can get women. Now I'm just like, bro, just be a good person because that's what God wants you to do, bro. And it and avoid situations that are gonna put you uh up in temptation. Like uh I used to go, I won't name the church, but I used to go to a church and it had a lot of beautiful young women, man. And I had to remove myself from that, bro, just because, you know, there was times where I was highlighted, you know, and say, oh, you know, look at this young man of God, he's doing this, he's doing that, and they want you to work in the church and do all this and do that. Man, I can't even come in here and look at these women. I can't focus. So through maturity, I'm like, yeah, I might have been getting fed there, but it was too many distractions. So I gotta go to a church where it ain't too many people in there that I'm attracted to. You know what I'm saying? I I remember, man, my uh my ex-wife, man, her mom, she had asked me, I was real transparent with her. I've always been pretty transparent with people. I was just like, yeah, man, I'm I'm a cheater. Like I've cheated on every chick I've ever been with. And she was like, You're that weak? Like you're that weak of a man. And I was just like, nah, I'm not a weak man. You know what I'm saying? I just I do it just because I can, basically, or because you know, somebody didn't do what I wanted them to do, so I'm gonna go get it up over here. But you know, yeah, that's that's that's that's that's weak, bro. That's weak to not have the self-control and to not um care enough about yourself or the other person to even involve them in that situation. So, but yeah, it took me years, man, of bumping my head against the wall to figure that out, you know, because you can always try to validate why you're doing something. You know, you can always find a reason and justify or make it feel more acceptable or more comfortable. And now I was just like, bro, sin is sin, bro. Wrong is wrong. You know what I'm saying? Hurt is hurt. So uh trying to live in that space, man, and just trust God, you know, because I don't I don't have the strength to do it on my own. You know what I'm saying? I don't have the willpower or the stability. So I, you know, that's why I stay in the word, you know, that's why I stay prayed up, that's why I stay having conversations with people, you know what I'm saying, uh, that were on that right path to try to keep me right. Uh I know you had a guy on the show, Tishan Foltz.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:43

Uh he's who recommended me to be here. And uh I remember telling my sister, man, when she graduated, she had got her uh her bachelor's degree, you know, she was a late, I guess a late graduate, or I don't know how the term for it, but she got it when we were in our mid-30s. But we were in Chicago and Teshawn had came. And uh I remember we were stepping out for the ceremony, and we all waiting on a van or whatever for us to transport us there. And dude just looked like he was gone, bruh. Like in shape, you know, polo, belt tucked in. I'm like, damn, you know, it's all no, I'm looking at him like that. Yeah, women looking at him like that, yeah, yeah. But his wife looking at him like proud, you know what I'm saying? But not just look good, a good dude. Yeah, doing through a good father, good husband, man of God, doing what he's supposed to do, not being out in the streets, you know what I'm saying? Still a real dude, a real dude, but refraining from some of the BS. And so I'm looking at me, I'm like, bro, you you you fake. You fake, bro. Like you might be doing all this good stuff out here in the community. You may be mentoring and taking care of your kids and providing for your family and doing all this, moving up in the fire department, but you still got this over here that you ain't dealt with. All these years you still ain't dealt with this. And I'm thinking that's that's authority on my side. The devil, like, I don't care how much good you do, I still got you with this. I know I still got you with this. I know if I put the right chick in front of you, you gonna fold. Because you do every time. So I ain't gotta worry about uh testing you, you know, like God did Job and testing your finances or testing your you know your health or this and that. Because I know all I gotta do is put the right woman in front of you and you're gonna fold, bro. But you know the crazy thing? I'm glad I remember this. All these years, bro. God has kept me. I don't got no incurable diseases, no diseases. I got my health, I got my mental and emotional health. I go to therapy. My kids are healthy. Financially, I'm cool, bro. If if I never get another raise, bro, I'll be good. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm a hustler, so I can go get money. That ain't no problem. But like, God has kept me. And in through all the wrong that I did, all the bridges I done burned, all the people who I done slighted, this that and the third, or whatever, he done kept me. And I'm like, the reason gotta be so I can tell people, like, he's real, bro. God is real. He is real. You know what I'm saying? Because there's some people who ain't been as lucky. It's people that done got shot and killed for some of the stuff that I done did. It's people that's in jail for some of the stuff that I done did. It's people who, you know, uh are sick because of the stuff that I've been involved in. And I'm I'm here, bro. I'm here, and so it's like I can't keep rolling them dice. I gotta be on that straight, narrow path, man, and just do do what it is that he wants me to do. You know what I'm saying? And I mean, it's still, you know, you think like, oh man, that Christian life is gonna be so boring, man. You know, I'm gonna miss this, I'm missing that. Like, nah, bro, it's not. It's not, bro. Like, it's really a good life. Like, I go to sleep every day, tired and happy. You know what I'm saying? And so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on, yeah. Like, sometimes do you want to pop out and still be seen or this, that, and the third, or still see if you still got it? You know, yeah, whatever, man. But that's just your flesh, you know, that's just your pride, your ego. You know what I'm saying? The more, the most important thing is, like I said, is provide for your family. Knowing you're not out here hurting people, you know, doing right by the people that I'm supposed to be protecting or serving up in the community, the guys that I mentor, you know, because even through mentoring, bro, I've done something wrong. You know, I've exposed some of my mentees to, you know, I'm riding around listening to Jeezy and, you know, uh T.I. in the truck. And you might think that that don't have an impact on them, but it does, you know what I'm saying? So I try to be mindful of like every influence that they see me in, how I talk, how I carry myself, the music I listen to, how I interact with people and customers and all that, you know what I'm saying? That's gonna help develop that young mind because you know, 18, 19 years old, those are the kind of the ages that I work with. They just now coming into their manhood for real, for real. And whether they got a father in their life or not, you know, they spending six, eight hours a day with me out on grass. So I'm having a heavy impact on them. So I gotta really be careful about how I move and what I say and what I do.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:26

So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:27

There's a few things I want to grab at. Go ahead. One is super patty. I ain't gonna lie to you. Go ahead. Do it if you don't want to disclose it, though, bro. How many do you think, how many bodies do you think you have?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:39

It's it's it's it's it's an unhealthy amount, bro. Yep. Wow. Straight up. Like it's embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:47

Like at some point, you know, you think, ah, you know, the way I was raised, the people who, the, I guess OGs or the older cousins, like encouraging you to move like that, yeah, it's a badge of honor. Then when you get grown and you start looking back, you like, bro, this is not cool. Like Paul saw, all the people Christians he killed, all the stuff that he did. Yeah, bro, like that wasn't cool. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, and it, and it's almost like you know it's not cool when you're doing it, but the gratification you getting from it or whatever, that supersedes that. That's selfishness, bro. Selfish, selfish ass dude, man. Um, yeah, man, definitely trying to be more selfless.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:31

Yeah, and I understand you try to say you can't blame it on nobody else, but you can't because you did what you did, but you do you do have to acknowledge that certain things that you went through in life would steer you in that direction.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:46

And that's why I say now with my kids, you know, there's certain music I try not to listen to in the truck. Yeah. You know, like I got a daughter, she's 13, she real impressionable right now. You know, so when you got Cardi B and Nicki Minaj and all this, like, yeah, that music is fun to listen to, but the message that they put in there, I don't want that entering her ear, getting in her cortex, getting in her mind, and thinking that that's what's cool, because it's not. They're doing that to get a bag. Half of them don't even believe the stuff that they rap about. Yeah, but they're doing it because it sells. I gotta, you know, steer her towards a more a more wholesome, a more wholesome upbringing. But the same, you know, with my sons, you know, um, yeah, man, gotta keep them grounded and keep them, gotta protect their mind, their heart, and their ears from from the wrong things and the guys that I mentor. So yeah, mindfulness is a big word for 2026 for me. Mindfulness. Mindfulness. How long was you married? 10 years, 10 years. We got separated at like the seven and a half, eight mark. Okay. So, yeah. Did she know before she married you how you were? Yeah, man, it was funny. Like, you know, like we had had a conversation towards the end, and she was like, Yeah, you know, people had came up to her and was like, uh, dang, like you pulled, you, you pulled Ralph, like you got him to calm down. And it was just like, what, like I thought I had the prize. You know, I'm like, dang, I pulled her. You know, I'm looking at her like like she that. You know what I'm saying? And she's a great woman, you know, great woman, great person, you know what I'm saying? Um, but I never knew that that was her perspective, that she had kind of felt the same way, like, oh, you got him to kind of calm down. You know, really in reality, it was just like, nah, dude didn't really calm down. He was just moving different. You know what I'm saying? So, unfortunately. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:37

So uh, do you remember her finding out as far as Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:43

Yeah, it's a lot of hurtful times. I don't care to go into no details or nothing like that, but um, you know, she always stood by me. You know, always, you know, even through the divorce, I was the one that fouled, you know, because I was I thought there was things that I wasn't getting in the marriage, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think she would have, I think if I didn't filed for divorce, she'd still be with me today. You know, maybe I'm wrong. Wow, I don't know, but if it's if it's one thing and nobody's perfect, but she was loyal. She was loyal, straight up, straight up. So I don't I don't have nothing bad to say about her, you know what I'm saying? But through our ups and downs, you know, I just felt it was best for us to go our separate, our separate ways. You told me to remind you about psychedelics. So through my journey to uh deciding if I was gonna get a divorce, I was like, man, you know, I'm like, I can work this marriage back into being right. You know, I just keep doing this good stuff, it'll overshadow the bad stuff. You know, we can work this out. And so really didn't wanna get a divorce. Just felt like I had to. So I started uh dabbling in. I I went on a retreat before probably my 37th birthday and tried DMT. And it's like the frog, they call it the toad, the frog or whatever. And I'm out there, bro, on this river with these other first responders, military dudes or whatever. I'm like, bro, I'm out here smoking crack, bro. You know what I'm saying? Because it's crystals that they put in a pipe and you light it up, you know what I'm saying? You inhale it, bro, and when you go, you know, they call it dropping you in. You you're not here no more, bro. Okay. It's short, it's like 10 minutes, but you gone. But like through going through that and being dropped in several times that day, I learned about grounding and being, you know, contact with the earth and healing the body and this and stuff like that. The didgeridoos and soundbows and all that. I got exposed to all that. But I didn't really have like no out-of-body experience with the higher power. Got it. So I said, all right, let me go fool ayahuasca. So I'll find out about ayahuasca. This is the same year in July. Go on to ayahuasca retreat, bro. You know how it's like a medical tent in a war when people's arm blown off, leg blown off, eyes messed up in movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, I'm in this room, it's about 30 of us. We all in mats by each other, you know, for three days. People throwing up, defecating on themselves, crying, screaming for hours. Because then I watched this, it lasts longer. So you in there and you dealing with whatever it is that you dealing with. First night, I don't feel nothing. Nothing.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:27

I'm like, why are you dealing with it? You still can hear them like while you're trying to heal.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:35

You very present. Um, so I'm looking at this chick, man. I seen a chick cry for six hours, bro, unconsolably. Never seen nobody cry. It reminded me when my mama saw my, uh found out about my cousin getting killed, but she did it for six hours. Got it. And she talked about the next day, circle time, you know, you talk about what you experienced, she said some stuff dealing with her mother, whatever. I remember that. Um But it was me and another guy. Ironically, he was the first responder. We didn't feel nothing the first night. Go talk to the shaman. He likes, you need to work with the medicine. You need to let go and let it do what it needs to do. So I'm like, man, I feel like I'm on punk. I'm looking for cameras and stuff. I'm like, bro, this is fake. Like, you know, I done spent all this money, come down here, travel down here, take off work to do this so I could get this experience, figure out what I need to do. After that, there were several more times where we consumed the ayahuasca. And yeah, man, uh, haven't shared this with a lot of people, but there felt like there was God doing surgery on me. Like I was wide open. And he was taking pieces of me out and repairing pieces of me and like getting me ready. He's like, all right, I'm gonna push you back out here, but I gotta take care of this. And it was like ayahuasca, you can kind of control it. You can say, All right, I'm ready to go, go. And it'll it'll start working. And if it starts to get too deep, you can say stop and it'll stop. They call it the grandmother. You know what I'm saying? So DMT's the toad, ayahuasca's the grandmother, and then they got peyote, the cactus, they call that the grandfather. The grandfather, I've never done that, but I'm actually scheduled to go do something with them later on this year.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:18

Because I'm still working through some stuff, you know what I'm saying? So uh, but the ayahuasca opened me up to some things. Um, thought about doing ketamine, but I've never felt like I was an addict. I just felt like, you know, I like, I enjoyed drinking, you know. And thankfully I was able to control uh my drinking habit without using ketamine or anything like that. Um, my therapist also agreed that she didn't think that I needed it. But uh there was, you know, I'm the type of person, I'll try anything, bro. But the therapist uh advised uh awasca. Nah, I mean she supported it, but she didn't point me in that direction. You know, she kind of let me move how I want to move, and she'll say, all right, well, what do you think about that? You think that's a good idea? Nah, nah, you journal about it, you know, you pray about it. So um, love my therapist, man. Real cool, blessed to have that relationship with her. Um, actually got hooked up with her through the fire department. They had a program called 42 Cares, um, where you know, I don't know if you know man, but like over the last decade, it's been a lot of suicides and alcoholism and drug addiction and things on on any first responder front. And it used to be deal with whatever you're dealing with, don't talk about it, be a man, and you cool. And I was like, no, I don't mind talking about my feelings, but I want to talk about it in a safe space. So um started going to therapy through 42 cares, met um, met with somebody 10 sessions, and she was like, Yeah, bro. She told me straight up I was probably 33, 34 before I got with my now therapist when I was 35. She said, You don't have a problem with PTSD. You don't have a problem managing your um your finances or your relationships in your life. She says, You're good. She's like, you just don't like being married. She's like, you don't like being married. And then she said, I think you want to be married. She said, but you don't like the situation you're in now being married. And she's like, I can't make a recommendation on what you should do. But she said, that's where your problem is. She told me that years ago. I was like, man, whatever, bro. I'm riding it out. You know, I'm one foot in, one foot out riding it out, but I'm riding it out. You know what I'm saying? Maybe if I would have gotten more committed to God or committed to the relationship, it would have still worked. But I was like, I'm riding it out, you know, while still doing all the wrong things. Um, got with my therapist at 35, and my big thing was, I remember I was at the juke house, bro. And I seen these older cats, bro. They was like 50 again, comparing myself to other people, bro. I don't know why I do this. It's something I'm asking God to deliver me from because I don't need to be comparing myself to nobody. I'm looking at these old cats in there, I'm like, bro, these old dudes still in the club, bro, on a Wednesday night doing club stuff. You know? I'm judging, I'm 35. You in here too. You got kids at home too. You drinking too. But I'm looking at them and I'm like, I don't want that. You know, I don't want to be 50 years old in the club, still doing the same thing that I was doing when I was 35. And I felt like I was plateauing at 35. Like I felt like I had this trajectory where I kept moving up, up, up, up, up, but I was flatlining. And I didn't want that. So that's when I got with my now therapist. And uh, yeah, man, it's been good, man. It's been good. I I am an advocate for mental health. No matter what you want to talk about with your therapist, um, if if you don't like the therapist after two or three sessions, find another one. I've been to marriage counseling, two or three different therapists, didn't agree with certain things, agree with certain things, couples counseling, didn't agree with certain things, you know, vice versa. But my now therapist, I like it's like talking to one of my sisters. You know, she'll hold me accountable. You know, she'll tell me when I'm wrong, she'll tell me when I'm doing something dumb, you know, she'll ask me, you know, you know, what's my plan, you know, um, or how do I think this will affect uh other people? But uh one thing I tell you about therapy, man, if you're not gonna be honest, where are you going? You know what I'm saying? That's that's like going to the doctor, and uh they ask you what's wrong, and you omit certain things that are wrong with you, you know what I'm saying? Certain symptoms. You say, oh, well, you know, my arm is itching, you know, so I got this rash, but you're not also telling her that you got a sore throat and you got this and you got that. Well, you probably got some kind of infection, bro. You need to let them know everything so they can address everything, you know what I'm saying? Um off tangent, bro, like in Duomo, bro, Tasha said, bro, 50,000 times in his interview. That was so funny. But um, it talks about how when we as sinners go through things, man, we feel guilt and we feel shame about what we did, you know. And I I feel that, you know, I have regrets about a lot of stuff that I've done. Um, but it says that that's not of the spirit. You know what I'm saying? It says guilt and shame is of the enemy. And it's like going into a courtroom and you gotta try to prove your innocence. Oh, I did this right, I did this right, I did this right, and you want to hide all the bad things that you did. But when you go to God, it's not like being in a courtroom, it's like being in a hospital. He a surgeon, like I said, he's cutting you open. Like, yeah, I might have to cut you open and deal with this. But once I kick that thing out of you that's bad, now you can heal.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:38

But while you're going through your healing process, you can't run straight back to what you was doing and made you sick again. Because then you're gonna be right back over here. I might have to cut you again.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:46

You know? So, bro, I done bumped my head on the wall, like I said, bro, about 23 years. And uh I don't know what exactly happened. It's been uh it's been an array of things that have transpired over the last few years. I think a collection of things that have got me to where I am now, and just get to a point of surrender, bro. And like I ain't finna keep moving like this, man. You know what I'm saying? I'ma just let God do him and ride it out from there.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:16

So shout out to my brother Dennis Ortiz. He talked about that ayahuasca experience and yeah, how that first time he was kind of like you too, and then he had to do it for the second. And like he experienced the whole, the full experience. Um so in closing, unless you ask something else.

SPEAKER_01 1:35:35

I think you know, we had talked about the Israelites, you know, when they got uh saved from Egypt. I hope I'm talking about the right people. I'm not a Bible scholar, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:42

Me neither. But um you're talking about when they walked through with Moses and Yeah, when they got sent to the wilderness, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 1:35:48

That's basically where I'm at right now. You know what I'm saying? God done freed me from that thorn in my side. Do I still see women? Do I still get tempted by women? Do I still fuck? Yeah. But the pull and the draw that it had on me and all the hurt that I've caused and the problem with it, it's not, bro. I used to feel like I needed to connect. You know, I needed to. And now it's like, nah, bro, just go to sleep. You know what I'm saying? I do my day, I go through my stuff, I go to sleep, it ain't no big deal. So I'm glad to have overcome the big initial hurdle with that. But now I'm in this realm where I'm not leaning on myself for strength and guidance or, you know, or doing it my way. I'm just like, no, I'm gonna lean, lean on God. You know what I'm saying? He's gonna show me the way, he's gonna keep me strong. Like, you know, there wasn't no food when they went to the wilderness. You know, they're like, well, back in Egypt, we was doing this and doing this and doing this. It wasn't that bad. He was like, really? Because they only had manna. But that manna was just enough to keep you good, but it kept you dependent on him. And so for me, I'm like, I'm good, but I need to just depend on God and I'll be straight. Regardless of what I did in my past, regardless of how anybody looks at me, regardless of what I did. If I just keep my eyes fixed on God, man, I wish I had this word. There's a terminology for sunflowers. Sunflowers, when the sun comes up, they all face uh west. Sun rising east, it's the east, right? The sun rising east, yeah. They face east. But as the sun goes across the field, the sunflower field, the sunflowers turn the face of themselves up and then over to the west. And so I heard this in a sermon, and it was like keep your eyes fixed on God. Because if you keep your eyes fixed on Him, you can't get distracted about whatever else was going on around you. There's a scientific term for it, but man, I thought that was so cold. Uh-huh. Because it's something as simple as sunflower. But yeah, they do it, man. Like Google it, bro. Like, had you ever looked at one just to see if you could catch it. I mean, you're gonna be looking for a 12 hours, but you know what I'm saying? But yeah, I'm sure in the evening, they're looking west. I'm sure in the morning, they looking east. I'm sure at noon, they're looking straight up. That's crazy. That's crazy. But yeah, keep your eyes fixed on God, man, you know, and and then everything will be all right. Like a lot of the stuff that we worry about, or we'd be concerned about, like, bro, I don't need to promote my business. You know what I'm saying? I don't need to over-exert myself as a father. I don't need to over-exert myself to study for the Chiefs test when my time comes. He's gonna take care of it, bro. And if he keeps me right where I'm at, then that's where I'm supposed to be. And I'm content with that, dog. Like straight up. So I thank you for the opportunity, man. Uh, like I said, you know, it was crazy to get that car from Teshine. I was like I said, I was thinking about, you know, how am I going to tell people about the new Ralph? And it's just like, boy, you still working on the new Ralph. You know what I'm saying? But God provided me this platform through you, man. So thank you so much. Uh keep keep doing what you're doing, man. Keep giving guys the opportunity. It's a lot of good guys out here, man, black, white, Hispanic, good women, you know, going through things in life, man. And, you know, I just hope whatever somebody heard today, um, I I don't care what what they think about me, but I hope it helps them through their journey. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because it's some people who are battling with the same things. So uh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:39:18

I don't know if that was you uh marking us out or not, but if you marking us out.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:24

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 1:39:26

If that was, that's cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:27

That's my mark, I guess. And then my prayer. Uh uh, yeah, man. Dear Heavenly Father, uh, just thank you for this day. Uh, thank you for this space to be able to be transparent and vulnerable, Lord. Um, again, I want to uh thank you for your grace over the last 23 years of my life where I've just been out here running. Um, and I'm thankful that you have finally got my attention and got my eyes focused on you, uh, to where I can stop doing a lot of that dumb stuff, man. Yes. Um I thank you for the examples of strong men that have been put around me, uh, that can keep me on the right track. If I left anybody out, my apologies. I thank you for the women that you have put in my life, uh, my friends, my family, mentors. Um, I thank you for this platform, Lord. Just for the people who have helped hold me accountable, helped keep me on the right track, help me when I'm falling, when I've been weak. Um, I just thank you for keeping me through all of this, Lord. Um, I ask you to please bless this man as he continues to do his work and give people the opportunity to come and speak and uh just lay it all out on the line, Lord. So as I always say, thank you for everything you've done, you're doing, and you've yet to do. And I ask you to just keep using me and uh ready to work. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:40

Amen. The goal is to leave a lasting imprint on their minds and their hearts from praise and indelibly work.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:46

Appreciate you, man. Okay. Appreciate that. Oh, please.