You Need You: Self-Care

The HEARD ladies return from their pod hiatus to talk about the importance of self-care with Tiffani Robertson, Associate Director of Enrollment Management at Governors State University and Dr. Connie S. Newsome, Director of Registrar Services at Campbell University School of Law. Tiffani and Connie talk about how "pouring into yourself" and "beneficial selfishness" are essential to having the capacity to show up in service to others, as well as their upcoming AACRAO workshop on self-care for higher education professionals. You need you just as much as anyone else does, so take a moment to reconnect with HEARD and this critical topic. A note of awareness: We talk about some difficult topics in this episode, including the loss of a parent. Listen with care for you. 

Transcript

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Before we get started with the official episode introduction. Please note that in this conversation, we talk about some difficult topics that may be hard to hear specifically the loss of a parent and complicated family relationships. If for any reason, these topics are not for you today, please take care of yourself and step away returning when you are ready if you are. Hi Acro community. Welcome to Herd. We have been on hiatus for several months and we're going to address some of that in our conversation today on the topic of self care with Tiffany Robertson and Dr Connie S Newsom. In the episode, we'll talk about the different ways self-care can show up in your life. Tiffany and Connie's upcoming Acro workshop on this topic and how Porsha Tashana and I have been dealing with all the things that have delayed our ability to be in conversation with all of you. We had a meaningful discussion about the things that seem simple but that we neglect to do for ourselves and we hope that you taking the time to listen today is a form of looking out for yourself. Ok, let's get started. Hi, Acro community Welcome to another episode of Herd. I'm Ingrid Nuttle.-- I'm-- Porsha Lamar and I'm Tashana Curtis. And joining us on the pod today are Tiffany Robertson, associate Director of Enrollment Management at Governor State University and Connie Newsom, Director of Registrar Services at Campbell University School of Law. And you all are here to talk about the very timely and critical topic of self care. Tiffany and Connie, welcome to her. Happy to be here. Girl in women's month. We still here. I didn't even think about that. My daughter brings up women's month as a reason why she should get whatever she wants whenever she wants. You know, I-- Jerry Queen, it's women's-- friends. That is good because my daughter was a little irate last month. She'd be like, it's Black History Month. Like you shouldn't be doing these things and I was just like, wait a minute, they just selling cotton T shirts. It's ok. She's a cottony lady, right? Yeah, I, I like both of your daughters but these Children today we-- do-- take care of themselves. Like to dovetail into that topic. Uh Ripley looks out for Ripley, Tiffany Ho. Um, we like to start the podcast with just hearing from our guests in their own words, something about yourself, your role, anything about your identity that you'd like to share and your connection to the topic of self care. And I will let whoever wants to start start Tiffany, I knew you were gonna say that. Um, so, yes, Tiffany Robertson. Um, a little about myself. Um, I've been, well, July will make my 19th year in higher education. I was supposed to be an it girl. That's what I went to undergrad for, is to be a techie. Didn't work out. Um, so I ended up in higher ed and have not left and don't plan on leaving until it's time to retire. Um, what else I, outside of work? Um I have been, well, I've also been uh agile faculty for the last like I think 12 years now at this point. Um But outside of work, I wear many, many, many, many hats and I can't go down the list of everything, but I'm on um a board for mentoring young girls. I used to go and advocate at schools for anti-bullying um um building self confidence in young women. I'm a master life coach. Um I will be defending my dissertation one week from today. Um I'm just trying to remember everything. So that's a little bit about myself outside of all the mini hats I wear. Um And I think that's, I like to name some of the mini hats I wear because that is why self care is so important to me. People are like, you're always doing something you're always working on this. And I didn't know you did this too. And I was like, yeah, I do. But then I also have to find that balance in between and um you know, make sure I'm taken care of so that I can continue pouring into those many different roles that I play. Ok. Um So a bit about me, I have been in some capacity of higher ed um for uh 25 years, I, I realized last night that 99 to 24 it would be about 25 years. Um And prior to being in higher ed or along with my early years in higher education, I was in nonprofit management. So even with the currently um challenging aspects of the field fields, I still adore the parts that allow me to interact with beloved colleagues with um students who are pursuing their educational dreams with faculty, still enjoy those aspects um of the field. My other life passion um is volunteering with Children who have been removed from the home, um either permanently or, or uh temporarily due to abuse and, or neglect. Um you know, they've been negatively impacted by those who should be able to trust the most. So um that voluntarism of course, can be emotionally heavy at times, but I do believe I'm strengthened to do it. So I use the process that I have figured out how to survive and I go from there. Um those things um you know, just really the living of life, but those things have led me to the connection of self care um being in spaces where you daily deal with a lot of confidential information which by higher ed roles and roles, a nonprofit. Um And, and of course, my volunteerism um being in church leadership, uh everything is confidential. So being um in, in, in roles where you daily deal with a lot of confident, confidential information and serious matters. I quickly learned that if I did not find things to soothe my body and mind, I would fall into a deep melancholy state or downright depression. And I've been in both. Um so my seemingly insignificant but consistent actions towards self care, keep me sane and smiling. So, um and once I found out what works for me, I started sharing them with others and um and, and you know, it's just been a joy to do it. I have introduced countless people to the benefits of a good pedicure and uh a good massage, good book, audio book. And like I said, it just, you know, kind of goes from there. I am so excited for this conversation because I feel like I need it. I might do the Tashana and just be sitting here writing notes and say a thing I needed to um Connie, I wanna, I want to say one thing just because you talked about your volunteer experience. So, uh my mother was a foster care kid and um so yeah, I just wanted to kind of make that connection to you. I um I'm actually going to dovetail that into a question that I was going to ask a little bit later um because her has been on a hiatus these last few months due in part actually to the passing of my mother in November. Um and the things that I needed to attend to urgently since that time I started a new job, um had just a lot of change. There were a lot of, there's a lot of fallout from that. And at times I really felt, I mean, when I say at times, I think that's an understatement. I just really felt like I was letting people down all the time. Like you have this crisis, you have a thing that happens and people need you. And I, people would say, I hope you're taking care of yourself and it would just like that even that statement would frustrate me like it felt the idea of taking care of myself, felt like a burden. Um And so I, I wanted to lift that up a little bit because it ties to our hiatus and the topic. Um And so I am, I, I wanted to talk about your thoughts on managing the fear of disappointing others when you take care of yourself. I know we need to ground ourselves in a definition of what self care means. Um And what you're talking about there. So just kind of jumping around here to, to kick the conversation off. Ok. Um The first thing I I'll say, and, and we have to get to a point where we feel comfortable saying this and doing this. But I have come to the realization that I have accepted the realization that I cannot be everything to everyone. It's just not possible, it's not possible in this human body in which we live. Um And if I am going through some things and if I'm going through some things and people know I'm going through some things, then don't expect me to be what I, you know what I've been to you in the past un unless you are a child who, who is completely dependent on me don't expect that. Um And shame on you if you do shame on you, if you don't um at least offer to, to, to, to step in there. Um or to, if you don't at least offer to step up and say, you know, how can I, how can I be of service to you? How can I help? How can I make this time less stressful for you? Um But I, I really will and it took me years to, to, to accept this, that I can't be to everyone um that I want to be all the time. But there have been moments or events in my life where I had to take step, step back and do less, either shift my priorities, my attentions to take care of this particular person or this particular thing that's going on. And so it lessened my time to be there for others. And what I realized is that it's ok, it's ok to do that. It's ok to shift my attentions. It's ok to shift my priorities. Um, and focus, um, be because if I continue, if I continue to try to stretch myself, I am going to run into burnout and I, then I'm not gonna be any good for anyone at any time. Um, or, you know, worse than burnout, something is gonna happen where I'm, I'm completely down and again, I'm not gonna be good for anyone. So, uh, like what I've learned, one of the things I've learned is that, um, it's ok to share priorities, it's ok to take a step back. Um, and for those that seemingly do not understand that if you have a conversation with them, we call it a critical conversation, have a conversation with them and then if they don't accept it, but I don't, I don't have the time, I do not have the time to continue to help you understand where I am.-- Um,-- how, how do you, how would you leverage that for? I mean, and I assume that you're talking about loved ones as well in that group. But how, like, how can I think that's my problem is that, uh, I've made this presence of, look at me, I do everything, mom, why all these things. And then 12 years later, I can't just back away now, but really, I can but how do I express that? Well, um, and in that type of situation now, I don't know if you have very small ones. So, again, I did make the exception if you have, uh, Children who are completely dependent on you. So that, so let's not consider that, um, as I chat and Tiffany feel free to jump in at any point. Um, but, um, one of the things that I have, I have begun to do, uh, and I've been married a whole, you know, five years in October. But one of the things that, um, my husband and I agreed to before we were married and we have, um, tried to consistently strengthen our promise to each other in this and that is constant and open communication. Um, and when I need him to do something, uh, you know, to help in some way, if, if I can see that he's not automatically doing it, he's not automatically jumping in. So I'm gonna jump in and let you know, uh, Larry. I God knows. Could you help me with this laundry? Oh, could you do these dishes or could you could you, could you, um, but thankfully, uh, you know, this week is, it would be a perfect example. It's been a wheel of a week and I, I don't even know when I started washing clothes, but I know they've, they've dried and then they've just built up and in, in the, um, in the basket for, for clothes that need to be folded. Um, it was my intent to wash dishes last night. It did happen, um, some stuff. Ok. And, but I will say that I woke up this morning with the intent of doing all of this stuff before preparing to come in and, and, and chat here and the dishes were done, the clothes were folded and put away. Um, gosh, she did something else. It's like two or three more things that I had on my plate, which is beautiful to me. But it goes to, um, you know, us coming to an understanding that, um, that we pick up on each other's love languages and needs. Um, and, you know, and that's just, it's a point that you have to reach, um, you know, he recently had a, um, rotator cuff surgery and thankfully he is moving around a lot more, a lot better than I thought he would be at this point in the surgery. But just because of the lives that we live, um, and, and the busyness that we live, those things don't stop, you know. And, um, so I have a girlfriend who is aware somewhat of the life that we live. And so she wound up sending groceries to the house, uh, two different times just, and, and again, it, it just, it, it, it, it has to do with, um, and, and the second, the first time she did it without me knowing the second time she was like, what can we do to help? Well, if you just send another thing of groceries that will alleviate some time for me having to go to the store and do this, this, this, this, this, this is my list. I just fill that list. So, you know, it's, I think it's a point of if, if people ask for help, let them know what you need, if they don't ask for help, but you have a need and you can trust them. This is, I know you haven't asked me. This is what I need you to do. Can you do it for me? You know, you know, it's the point of asking, asking for what you need from your loved ones and from your friends. And that's not always easy. That's not always easy in, in to which point. Oh yeah. And Ingrid to your point sometimes that you will deal with um even that will make you feel may make you feel a little disappointed in yourself because you've not had to do it before, but you're in a place where you need to do it. And if you, you need to do it and you need to do it for your own sanity, for your own health, self care. So sometimes it has been a point of I don't know how to say it, but minimizing who you normally are. So minimizing the breadth of, of, of who you normally are. And what you normally do so that you can, um, I guess you can focus on so you can intentionally focus on what is important at that time and come back strong, come back, strong, come back, engaged, come back, willing. I mean, I'm not willing but able to be very impactful in all of the areas that you were previously impactful. I feel like I've talked a lot, Tiffany. I was just waiting, get your thoughts out, you know. Um So, um, well, I wanted to, I, I wanna touch on something Porsha said, but I'll jump to Ingra um initial uh question about the fear part. So, um about being all the things to people and kinda being afraid to not being the same person as you have been or not saying yes to everything. So I, I'd like to say, I'm a recovering people pleaser. Um It's still an act that I'm, I work on every day. Um But when I was younger, I used to always feel like I had to say yes to everything. Now I do say yes to a lot of things still. But when I'm with these particular things is yes to things I really didn't want to do was exhausted. Didn't feel good, didn't really have the time to do, but I just said yes to make those people or that person happy. Um When I first started being able to say no, I was actually at the workplace that I met um, Doctor Connie Shipman who some at, um, and I was still young. I was in my early twenties, but I started saying no. Um, started to learn the, the benefits of saying no, that's how I should say it in the workplace. Um, of course, that has carried on because that's been almost 20 years for me. Um, to me saying no in my personal life. So I learned it first work wise and then they carried over to my, to my personal life and it takes time. Like I said, it's been almost 20 years and do I still feel a little bad when I have to say no or not help somebody that's in need of my time and energy because that's what I look at it as um Yeah, sometimes I still feel a little, just like a little bit but not as bad as I used to feel back in the day. So it literally takes time. But you have to, you have to start it. You have to start it for you to feel more comfortable sitting in your decisions to say no or pull away or pull back or say no, I need to focus on myself. Um But yeah, it is, it is a fear because it's like, what, what are people gonna think of me? They're like, oh, we can't go to Tiffany anymore because we won't rely on her because she's not gonna say yes and blah, blah, blah, blah blah. I mean, that's, that's, that's one of them. Um But like I said, I think it comes easier. It is the more you do it actively. Um It's not like I said, I still, sometimes I'm like, no, no, you know, and it's for me as I got older, um I learned that people's energy really impacts me um being around either negative energy and that could be like just a negative person but people who are very anxious and um you know, just got a lot going on that affects me. And so I had to learn how to protect myself. And the, the way I could protect myself is self care. And one of the ways of self care is kind of pulling back um and, and pulling away from certain people or certain situations that impact your energy. Um I, I'm sorry, I didn't want to cut you off, but I have a question regarding um what you just said. So what would you, what would be your advice for a younger new professional that's coming in and being overwhelmed with all this work? A lot of times they don't say no because they're new, they're in fear of losing their job, they get burnt out, they don't speak up. So what would, what would be your advice um For a young professional? Yeah. And sometimes it's not just saying no, sometimes it's saying I need help. Like, and, and, and when I tell, when I um was a um hiring manager. I used to encourage new staff e either new to the profession, new to the um the the institution to ask questions just because you're new. Um And you went through some kind of training, doesn't mean your boss or your team members should be expecting you to know everything like you're literally, this is your time. Actually, I say this is your time to ask an abundance of questions, not that you can't later on, but you're new and, and people are expecting you to need some kind of help if you come in and you're like, oh I could do all the things and you're over there struggling and people don't know that's gonna damage the situation more that's gonna cause stress, that's unnecessary on yourself by not asking for help. So, um it's not necessarily about saying no as a new um person in the in, in profession, I mean, you know, sometimes yes, but sometimes that's asking for help. Um You know, asking for additional training, asking to shadow somebody. Um That's what I like to have a new team member do um in certain situations to shadow someone who's been in that um role before or knows a little bit more about whatever task they need help with. Um So, so yeah, like I said, it's not always the necessarily saying the no, it's saying I need some help or I have questions. Um you know, give me time um you know, to, to kind of adjust. So please open your mouth, ask questions. That is my advice. Um And this is also coming from a recovery, I'm scared to say something to open my mouth and, and as y'all know, that's not the case anymore. So it takes time practice makes perfect Porsha. You said that you are used your, you know, your loved ones are used to you being this person. Um that, that you know, I always like to say Duke does all the things you could also be that person that does the I need some help or no, you could turn into cause you are all the things already, right? You could add, keep adding on to it, keep adding on to who you are because you, we are continually, you know, people say, you know, once you get a certain age or point of your life, you kinda are the way you are. I agree and disagree to that you are. But then you're still evolving situations, change, your work, situation, change your family, life changes and just what you really want in life changes. So we are still evolving, you know. Yeah, so we see that and I thank you and I, I 100% agree and I think that, I don't know, I feel like I compare myself to my mother and the older generation, my mom. Um it's like they, they prided themselves on doing everything and acted as if it wasn't an issue while I did all of this. And this is like, why, why did you do all of this? Like you shouldn't have or, you know, I saw someone make a statement like mothers back in the day, they never talked about, they needed a break or uh they were tired but a lot of mothers now were like, they just didn't tell us kids. They were, you know, people, there was different things that were going on that kids didn't realize. Like it was a lot of comments saying like, well, I had to stay with my grandparents for a week that probably meant she was tired or I, I remember being at my dad's all the time that probably meant she was tired. So it's just things like that. But it's hard to, sometimes you go or like, in my case, sometimes I'll talk to my mom and she understands a lot better now. But it used to be a lot of, um, well, you know, I, I used to do all that stuff for you all and I'm like, and I had to go, you know what mom, I, the way my, the world in which my daughter is being raised is different from the world in which you raised me. So I'm not saying that you were bad. You were a great mom. You did all these things, but we can't compare each other anymore because it's a totally different world. And I gotta do different things that you didn't have to do. Not worse, not terrible, whatever. But we just can't, we're not apples and apples anymore. We, it's different. So, if I have to be like, we got, I got mcdonald's money, I got mcdonald's money. Like we going to mcdonald's, I'm not cooking tonight. Oh, my mom used to tell me that all the time. She did not have mcdonald's money. Oh, so I have a question. Um, Dr News. And you talked about volunteering with Children that were removed from the home? Um, so with me, I, my biological, like, with, in my biological mother just passed recently as well. Um, and she actually abandoned me and I didn't have a doctor news son that comes in and, you know, by the grace she left me with her best friend and her best friend raised me or whatever. But I still felt that loneliness. I still felt that, you know, not having someone there. What would you tell a person that is just lonely as far as self care where they don't have an outlook to reach out to talk to someone. They're in a state where they don't know anybody. Um, and they just feel alone. That is such an excellent question. And unfortunately more common than, than we might think, um, some practical steps coming from the, um, coming from the angle of being in a place where you may not know anyone. Um, and, and you do feel alone. Um, there are some practical things that can be done. Sometimes they're easier said than done. Depending on your personality type. You know, a b, introvert, extrovert all that, all those things. Um, so, mm, if you're able and willing to put yourself out there, um, you know, show yourself friendly, so to speak. Um, there are, there are avenues to do that. Um, you, of course it can happen through volunteerism. Um It can also happen by the uh joining a, a church or, you know, some institution where, where you are around people, joining a small group that may or may not be connected to a church. I don't know if it still exists, but I will say when I moved to Illinois, um I lived in Illinois for 10 years. It was where I met the wonderful Tiffany, um who's always been a tower at, at least from my observation. Um She's always been like a, a tower of strength, you know, even as a early 20 something year old, she's just, she's just been someone I've been in love with since, since the day I met her. Um, but it, but anyway, um I was, uh I moved to Illinois and I didn't know a soul. I moved there to um to try to strengthen the relationship with my mother in neither of my parents. Um My parents were not married to each other when I was born. Uh Well, they've never been married to each other. And about that, I'm actually happy because I probably would have been in therapy all of my life. Um The personalities are so different. But, um, so my mother and I did not have the best relationship because uh she didn't raise me. I was raised by my maternal grandmother. So her, her mother and, you know, she was just always gone. She's military, but she was always gone. So, and even today, my mom is a person, her love language is giving. So, you know, you may not get that quality time. Um but she will always, you know, give you something or try to make sure that your material needs, needs a man. It's just who she is, you have to accept people for who they are. So, and anyway, I moved to try to um uh um strengthen my relationship with her. One of the reasons I moved, however, that was not going well, initially, that was not going well at all at first. And so it was like, I have got to make some other connections. Um And so at that time, there was a, a website called um Meet Up Meet up.com. And I actually used it 10 years later when I moved back to North Carolina, it's called Meet up.com. And I went there and just, you know, put in some um things that I was interested in and then wind up meeting people through that and got out of the apartment and, you know, just my network kind of built from there. Then I eventually found uh found a church um that I felt that I could grow in, got to know people through that, that church wind up being a mega church. And um the way it kept people connected was via small groups. And so to this day, one of my absolute best friends in the entire world was someone I met through um one of those small groups. But the point is it, you know, even if you're an introvert, you have to be willing to put yourself out there um in, in, in order to make friends. Um Yeah, and so you have to be willing to put yourself out there and, and show yourself friendly, so to speak. Um I did wind up making friends on my job. It took me some time because I was well because I was an introvert and um, and I wasn't all that trusting. Um And, and so it took me some time to make friends, but I, some of the people that I am very close to this day and 20 years later are some old team members and some old friends that I met at as Tiffany says, the place where Tiffany and I used to work. So, um, but yeah, yeah, it's, it's, it's being willing to put yourself out there and take some risks and, you know, they're not all going to work out. But um as far as those, those, you know, connections, but I guarantee you that some will work out if you're willing to put yourself out there and, and hang in there. Um But yeah, loneliness is, is a, is, is, is a thing and, you know, it's, it's, I hate that, you know, that it even exists. The other thing I was gonna say is, and I don't know if you believe in it, but therapists are wonderful people and you find one that you connect with and I know that therapy there, um uh mental health is we still have a, a somewhat negative connotation about it in the African American community. Uh maybe in people of color, I don't even, I don't know that for sure. I won't speak that broadly, but certainly in the African American community, we are growing in our comfort with it, but it's, it's still somewhat of a negative connotation of taboo if you will. Um But uh I decided to try my own experience against things I had heard against my own taboo and I have found it to be wonderful. It's the place to start. I agree. I agree. Uh Tiffany. So when um Connie said, and Tashana, you know, trying to not be lonely um and reaching out but still, you know, Doctor Newton, when you said about trusting, trusting issues, I saw Tashana agree. I think we can all agree. How do we combat any of the walls that we may have, um, when trying to connect. So, you know, we, we build walls over our life. We have built walls and be like, mm, mm. No. And they are for a reason. But then they are also can be a detriment too. How can we balance the two? Oh. Well, I laughed because that is. So me. Um, so I don't wanna touch on it too much. Um, my mom actually says I do it too much sometimes but I touch on astrological signs and zodiac signs a lot. Right. And so I'm an Aquarius and we're supposed to be the humanitarians and the way I dislike humans sometimes I'm like, am I really supposed to be a humanitarian? So to say I have a wall, I have a kingdom built around me a lot of the time. However, people in my mind I do, other people don't believe I do. They're like, oh, you're so friendly and I was drawn to talk to you and I'm like, oh, ok. You know, um, but, but I rec, I think the first thing is recognizing those walls, you know what your walls are, you know? Um. Right. You know, you know what the walls are, you know, what you need to kind of work on. So, like me, when I'm out in public sometimes I'm, I just wanna go do what I gotta do if I'm at the store, I just wanna go to the store and get in the car but nine times out of 10, somebody's gonna say something to me. I don't know what it is but it happens. And so knowing that I'm like, hm, I don't wanna be bothered. Um, I, I still am open to people having conversations to me. So it's like the walls might still be there. They might become, you know, the, the walls of the kingdom might lower a little bit or open a little bit. Um They're still there but, you know, just trying to be a little bit like, um, you know, Connie said about being more open in general, um being more open to the friendly, I like that um is, is very important to be kinda in the middle and sometimes I have to stick to it. No. Leave me alone. I, and that's the balance for me. Sometimes I am like, uh I don't really feel like it but, you know, this person seems nice. I'm gonna go ahead and talk to them or be be, be friendly, but sometimes I'm like, I just need to be in my bubble, please leave me alone. So it, that really is the balance. Sometimes you're gonna be this, you know, and sometimes you're like, I need my space. I need to because being an introvert, I really do energize being by myself like that is how I reenergize myself. I can't be around people and help people and talk to people 24 7 because I will be on the floor literally. So balance to me is yes, sometimes, no, sometimes leave me alone, sometimes talk to me sometimes like that is the balance. So for our listeners, I want to note that in the chat of this podcast, we are going off on what our astrological signs are and it is fantastic. We've got cancers, we've got Scorpios. I am a fellow aquarian. I don't know when you're happy belated birthday um to you because it just passed. Um But I, so I so feel that and one of the thing from you didn't say that I thank you very much. I didn't read up enough. Let's edit this back in, let's edit this back in. Let me go and order. I'm so sorry. Um Last night. Well, to, to try to make a segue into that point sitting here listening to this conversation this last little while. What was, what was standing out to me is that we've been talking about what we pour into other people and how we make ourselves available to other people. And I think one of the concepts that we're here to talk about is what if you did all of those things for yourself. Like what if you showed up for yourself the way that you show up for other people? And it, it is feels somewhat simplistic to say, you know, oh, well, you can't, you can't take care of, can't take care of anybody else until you take care of yourself. But I think to take it a little deeper and be like, what if you were one of those people who needed you? What if you looked at yourself as one of those people, like you look at everybody else. And so I want to kind of transition that into talking about your workshop, your half day workshop at the annual meeting this year, higher Ed professionals need self care too. And in that description, you're talking about that people who work in Higher Ed need to pour into themselves. So as we've been talking about, I'm kind of reading it as that, that sort of thing, right? Like prioritizing yourself as one of the people, one of those essential stakeholders, what if we saw ourselves as stakeholders of ourselves? So can can you talk about what pouring into yourself looks like in this definition of self care? Yeah. So when I typed the description, um what I, I literally, I am a visual person. So when I hear pouring into yourself um or say that to others, I literally envision replenishing like watering you. I don't know if you've ever seen that, that graphic of self care where there's like a woman's head and there's flowers pouring out of it and there's a pot pouring water, that's what I think of. Um And that comes in many different forms, right? Hi. You know, hydration comes in many different forms for, for us and what we need. So, you know, depending on what, what you look at definitions for self care is pouring into yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually. Um, I don't know if I said mentally yet. Um, but yeah, it's all those things. So it, it, it depends on what works for you because a lot of people when they hear of self care, they think meditation or um uh you know, a spa day or something like that, which are great ways to um practice self care. But those aren't the only things. It's what makes sense to you, what works for you, what re energizes you. So, pouring into yourself is whatever you need. If you need more rest, go to bed earlier um or say no to something the night before. So you could get some more rest, you know, the next day or it, it's all about what you need for yourself. We, I can't um even though the workshop will be giving people tools to use is many tools and you kinda have to pick which combination of one you know, many or maybe just one will work for certain people. But you, you kind of decide what works best um for you to kinda reenergize yourself, um feed into yourself, pour into yourself um to make yourself be able to go and do similar things for others. So it kinda is for me, it means a lot of things, but it's really what works best for you and what works best for you as far as self care might not be a daily thing. It might be something for that moment. And then, like, the next month you're like, ok, self-care day or whatever and you wanna do something different. So, it, it's not the same for, uh, you know, saying, uh, practice or tools that you could use for, um, every time, but it's at least giving different ways and methods. Um And hopefully people that do attend the workshop can take those and actually um implement them in their everyday lives. Yeah. Um Sometime late last year, I had um coined the phrase beneficial, selfish, self selfishness, which is self care but beneficial selfishness, um which I lovingly define as the concept of taking ownership of one's own well being to the benefit of self and with the goal of positive engagement with one's inner and outer circles, what that simply means is show up for yourself in whatever manner you need to um at any given moment of the day or as, as Tiffany um stated, um it, it, you know, it may be something periodic but the thing is self care can take place on a regular basis, it can take place periodically, it can take place, it can, it can be different things at any given amount of time. Um And I know, and I'll give 21 or two examples that come to mind for me. And uh Yeah, that's what it was. I'll give two examples. One is on a daily basis and the other is annually. So, um, my office, my current office executes graduation um for the law school. And so, and, and usually every, every once in a while we are off calendar. But, um, graduation is always a Friday before Mo uh Mother's Day. And so what's going on? We have the end of spring semester happening, um, pre uh preparing for graduation and preparing for summer school and it's just a busy time. It is a co crazy, busy time and from like mid April to mid June. And so one of the things that I started doing quite a few years ago um was saying no, if someone asked me, you know, Connie, uh are you, are you available to, do ya, ya or Connie? Do you want to go or Kanie Kie Cone? And I said, what date is that? And said, oh, it's, if it's early May late April. No. And the first time I did it, it felt weird and I was disappointed in myself because it was um an older lady that was asking me to do something and she was someone I love, I still love her to this day. I mean, I love this woman tremendously. And so to tell her no, was hard, but I did it. And then I felt yummy because I knew that it was going to bless me in the long run because when graduation is over we, um, we get everything back to the law school that we need to get back and what I've started doing, if it doesn't have to go back, it just goes in my car and comes home. But we get everything back to law school that we need to get back. I, on the way home, I stop and get something to eat and then I come home and crash for 48 hours. I come home and just crash. Um But, but it took me a minute to learn what my needs are, what my self-care needs are around that time and then how to protect that. Um So that's an annual thing. Um uh Daily. One of the things I have learned is um 11 of the practices I have is, you know, I'll run and run and run, do, do, do, do, do throughout the day. Um when I rise, you know, I have a moment of gratitude and then boom, I'm off running. So, and, you know, my day just keeps going and what I do is at the end of every day, I reserve some energy to read a few pages of um some fictional book, you know, something that's not gonna take a lot for me. Um And it's a fictional book so it's normally something to deal with. Um I don't know, es uh espionage, a legal thriller, um political thriller, something like that. But it's fiction. It's the point. It's not self-help, it's not nonfiction. Uh, you know, it, it's purely fiction and, but I find if I have, uh, take some time to just enjoy a few pages of my book, I fall asleep. It's a beautiful sleep and I wake up feeling ready to, you know, to, to go on with the next day. But that is part of my, that is part of, of my protection. It's part, it's part of my self-care regimen rather and it's, it's one of the things that I protect. I am going to reserve some time at the end of each day to read. I love, I think that's beautiful. Um Hearing what you have said, hearing about the workshop and then also adding to it with what um Ingrid said in this profession that we're in it. We uh I don't know what it is but it's our characteristics that makes us quickly go help a student quickly go help a colleague, like just do all that we can over and beyond to go get that done. I mean that even deals with email messages, you know what I'm saying? Like I, I, we quickly wanna respond like, oh, hey, you know, and I feel like to, to back away and just go away if I use all that energy that I'm pouring into other people and to myself. Oh my gosh. And that, so that was a good t one also when I'm in the self care. I need to, I feel like I need to absorb that. I'm in the self care. Sometimes I do these things and they become routine as well. Instead of being in the moment going, you are taking care of yourself, whether it's reading, whether it's chilling in my case, a good old Rupaul's drag race episode. Um, I don't care what season it is. I'm watching it. Um, but those are the things that makes me feel like, huh? You know, like calm and I need to recognize that I'm trying to get to the place of calm. It's like to me after a, a workout where, and I didn't understand this for a long time, but now I'm starting starting to, when they're like, concentrate on your breast. Are you slowing your heart rate down? Like all these things that are really naturally routine. But when you actually are in the moment and thinking about it, you recognize that that's what you're doing for yourself. Yeah. And, and, well, I, I probably won't quote this word for word, but that, that really is what self care means is being intentional. Um, a brow. Your, you know, the mental, the emotional, the physical, um, health of yourself is it is about being intentional, but it's not necessarily a bad thing when it becomes routine because I do stuff all day, every day. Um, about, you know, for my self care, like, on my lunch when I am on campus. Um, I, 90% of the time I make sure at least 1520 minutes, if not 30 minutes of my lunch I go get up and walk. Um, now some people think that's me just getting some exercise, which it is but it's more of a mental break for me. Like, that's how I see it. Yes. I'm getting some steps in so I'm kinda killing two birds in one stone. And that's one of the things we'll be touching upon in the workshop is um we'll be talking about the different aspects of the, you know, like I said, the mental, the emotional, the physical spiritual self care, but they really do overlap with one another. Um And, and um you know, they're categorized as separate entities uh uh in a way, but they really do overlap. So while I'm doing something physically taking that walk, I'm for me is more beneficial for the mental aspect, but I am kinda killing two birds with one stone. I introduced my husband to, I think they call pedicures. Oh man cures, whatever they are introduced him to one and dude went to sleep and was snoring. I'm like,-- you're not-- gonna ruin my pedicure time, but now that he's enjoying this moment, oh my goodness. And you know, and for me, it had become and so what that did for me, I was like, I need to begin it uh uh enjoying this again. Like I used to. And so now when I go, if it's, you know, if it's really good at giving that good massage, especially if I pay for an extra 10 minutes, I stop whatever I'm doing. I close my eyes and lean back in a chair and I just enjoy. So that is something I've begun again to, um, while it is routine to get one, I've begun to enjoy the moment because I had stopped, um, It, it becomes so routine that I had stopped enjoying the moment. II, I wanna lift up a couple of things, one, the conversation earlier about the um feeling guilty, which we've been talking about the a phrase that I, I have heard. Um So I'm not coming up with it is choose guilt over resentment anytime like I'm gonna start to choose being guilty, feeling guilty about not doing something over doing something that I then come to resent later because that is not going to be, not only is that not going to be good for me, but that isn't going to be good for whatever I'm engaging in with that person. And that has been incredibly liberating for me. Um And all of these examples of self care to Shana, I'm thinking about like the fact that you have been in school and like, you have been investing as one example in yourself. I I've been in school, we've been like investing in ourselves. You could say that like investing in your education and your development is a form of pouring into yourself. But it also involves a tremendous amount of accountability for doing things. And I think for so long, I have felt like investing in my professional development was my self care, like was like investing in my career with my self care because I'm doing it quote unquote for me. But really, I'm doing it to make me hopefully a better registrar person or about a data person or better whatever, like more understanding of the student experience and that's all true and that does benefit me. But this sort of investing in practices that don't involve being accountable to anyone other than you, I think is that takeaway, like, really if you don't do it, the only person who you need to let know is you, um, has been a um, a gift and when you say like that infrequency of maybe one thing you're doing doesn't work today and, and something else works tomorrow, I think as folks in higher education routine is so critical to doing our job successfully that the routine almost becomes the like definition of whether or not you're doing something, right? Can you do it consistently? Can you do it all the time? And I think recently for me with, with the last few months being like, you know, what the routine doesn't need to be the value add of this thing. If I miss a day of getting on my bike even though that is a thing I love, I'm not going to punish myself for that. I had, my daughter doesn't listen to this podcast. I had Dairy Queen for dinner last night.-- That was it.-- I'm-- telling, I'm-- telling, I did not get her any. Like that is, that is not in, that was investing in myself in a, in a different way. Right. Finger grab mcdonald's money just for herself. I just money. I love mcdonald's to give my mom some like a lot of love right here. My mom had no problem giving us mcdonald's for dinner. It was a lovely, lovely thing. She brought me cupcakes for breakfast for a very long time during a particularly difficult time in our life. It was, it was pretty, I was like that Eddie Murphy bit where your mom be like I can make mcdonald's at home and you get this. I was like, this is not a mcdonald's burger. This is like a mcdonald hamburger. I, you know, I want to chime on what you said. I remember when my Children lived at home and when I wanted Dairy Queen or something like that, I eat it in my car before I even get in the house. That's right. One day my daughter found the wrapper or something in the car and she was like, when did you have this?-- And she just was going, she was bad.-- But that's the spot you guys went to Dairy Queen Yeah, I've had that happen before. Um, I wanna, I wanna take one more. Get us into one more. Question was you have a role, both of you have a role on the Acro board as, um, VPs at large. So there's a position that has a role in coordinating lines of communication across the board and representing its interests. Um, and the membership in certain contexts. If you all heard that behind me, that was my dog shaken. I don't know if you heard that um along with, along with other duties. So what connection do you see for your vice president role? And this topic of kind of self care as this sort of representative of, of connection between the infrastructure of Acro um and the membership interests at large.-- That is an excellent and tough question. How do I see-- the connection? I mean, well, my first thought is, you know, our roles of course, are, are volunteer based. So that's, that's adding to another hat that we wear, right? Um And so I think while we, and we have like our monthly board meetings and both, um, Connie and I right now are chairs of board committees that we have. Um So that means we have a additional role. We have to organize meetings, we have to run those committee meetings, um that we are chairs of and, you know, oftentimes we start army because I'm, I'm on her committee and she's on the one I chair too. And so we, we usually start off, you know, like, hey, how's everybody doing what's going on? Um You know, how we should start off meetings and when we greet each other and not just jumping right, right on into discussing the, the many agenda items that we have. But for me, I think just adding on more roles, I think that kind of brings to the forefront how important self care is. Um And that actually me being on the board um because this will, this is my third year in the VP at large role. So that actually made me want to bring this workshop um into fruition. I've, I've presented on self care for my State Acro um Illinois Acro a couple of times. I've done it in the community at work. I've done it at work. You know, I've, I've presented on self care, you know, our presentation. But I think when we were at last year's annual, I said we need to have a pre conference workshop. I didn't know if it was gonna get approved or not because it's not fa it's not enrollment management. But I felt like, and it wasn't one particular thing while I was at the annual meeting that made me think that it was, I think it was a lot of people's energy, they were tired, they were, you know, a lot of things going on and it was multiple things where I was like, I feel like we need to make this like an actual, not just a presentation like a workshop, like have that be. So I think being in that role, being on the board, being at annual meeting, um really made me want to kind of bring some of this knowledge and tools and, and things that people can implement um as far as self care and, and kind of spread the word to others because I know, you know, Connie has presented and talks about it a lot. She's written about self care um for connect and things like that. So that's why I was like, I think we could, we could share some things with people. Um And I think it would mean not that it wouldn't mean a lot from anybody else but because we are board members and we have that, you know, they're like, I think people would be like, oh you guys actually do this, you have time for this. Um You know, and maybe I could do it too, like some kind of hopefully inspire them that they can practice self care co um continuously and intentionally as well. I appreciate that foresight because I feel like you might have been looking at me because I was dragging the Denver one. Like I was like, I'm gonna make it and do what we think it wasn't just you, but I'm sure you probably somebody I put, I always, I tell people I have file cabinets in my brain. So you probably were, you know, in there, but you definitely weren't the only one. So, you know, don't feel alone, don't, don't feel alone at all. Um And this is an aside and I don't know how it doesn't necessarily fit in with any of this conversation, but I was, I heard from quite a few people, um that just because of where we were in the elevation, people were physically impacted. So, whereas, I don't know, you may feel very energetic, have felt uh very energetic at some previous conferences, some previous annual meeting. Um The fact that you felt differently there may have had to do with, with the elevation. And so, you know, don't beat yourself up too much. It did, they did. And that's why. So I did the uh first timers webinar yesterday and I, I shared that experience because I, I was just kind of telling them to research where you're going. I didn't really know what that elevation meant and all and how it would affect to me. I heard it and I was like, yeah, OK, whatever. Uh oh my gosh, came back sick as a dog. But when I say that and I said it because in Ohio, if you're not used to allergies and all that stuff, that is going to be a thing here, so be prepared. So, yeah, that you have to research and oh, that took me out, but not again. So after I take this workshop after I take this workshop. So, but to the question, um I, I really echo quite a bit that, that um that Tiffany has Sh Tiffany has shared um you know, because of VP at large role, does not have its own portfolio that some of the other um board positions have we have the privilege of working on special projects. Uh And she also shared that um we also chair committees. Um but we do have the, the privilege or opportunity to work on special projects of leading or being part of a work group. Um And, and other things. Um but we have the opportunity to, you know, to have a, a broad lens um scoping out to see scoping to see um you know, what gaps or holes exist uh where we can make a difference. So having said that if we are not careful, we can easily take on too much, just like those of us in the field of higher education um administration. If we are not careful, we can easily take on too much because we're problem solvers, we're natural problem solvers. And we, and, and if we see uh you know, a hole or gap somewhere, something that needs to be resolved, we want to jump in and try to be uh try to be the change that we want to see. And um so we have to remember though, um I feel like I feel like, you know, post pandemic. What we all need to remember is to that. No, it's a complete sentence. It is a real and a whole and a complete sentence. Um or yes, I'd love to help but I do not have the capacity right now. I do not have the capacity to take on the whole or I do not have the capacity um you, you know, to, to, to deal with that right now and um you know, we have to remember to stop and smell the roses while we are trying to be the change that we want to see while, while we are trying to help in as many areas that we can. Um We have to remember that self care. Part of self care is about stopping and smelling the roses. Part of self care is about realizing um our limitations and um and not just realizing them but like executing on that, realizing and accepting and executing on that and being ok with it. And again, if you're not, if you know, if it's in, um I'm talking to those of us on this chat as well as the broader audience, if that is not your current experience. Uh You know, it's always a good place to start. Give your first know and see how that feels, you know, give it first, hold on to it today, the first know and, and hold on to it and see how that feels and then look, contact us, contact us and let us know you're gonna be shocked like I really did this and then like I did do that, you know, gonna be a range of emotion there. I think I saw and I don't even know what it was referencing to. But I think I saw early in the chat that someone said is liberating. That's what I think about. No, no. And I do not have the capacity. Both of those are very liberating phrases and, but that last one came about during the pandemic and I just continued to use it. I, I do not have the capacity-- like I-- wanted to say, period, no, per period. Yes. Tiffany and Connie, thank you so much for spending this time with us so that we could reconnect with our acro community. But in a way that was like incredibly rejuvenating um like this did not feel like labor and I really, really appreciate um you and cannot wait to see both of you at the annual meeting in a few weeks. I can't wait. I'm taking Tiffany up on a hug because she thought she was gonna get her a thanks for listening to another episode of HD. We'd love to hear from you. Please send us an email at HD at acro.org with any feedback you have for us or show ideas. This episode was produced by Doug Mackey. Thanks, Doug