3 Mindset Shifts Every Parent Needs to Support LGBTQ+ Kids

Welcome back to Let's Be Perfectly Queer Podcast, your go to LGBT Australian podcast for all things queer.

In this episode of Let’s Be Perfectly Queer, we sit down with Heather Hester  author, speaker, and host of More Human, More Kind,  to talk about something a lot of parents and allies struggle with… fear.

Fear of saying the wrong thing.
Fear of not understanding.
Fear of getting it “wrong.”

Heather shares three powerful mindset shifts that can completely change how parents and allies show up for their LGBTQ+ loved ones especially in a world that often feels loud, divided, and overwhelming.

We explore::

•  Why silence can be more harmful than saying the wrong thing
•  The shift from judging to curiosity
•  Why trying to control your child doesn’t work (and what does instead)
•  The game-changing difference between fixing vs validating
•  How to support your child without expecting them to educate you 
•  What allyship actually looks like in real, everyday life 

This episode is honest, practical, and full of those “oh wow… I do that” moments. Whether you’re a parent, partner, or just trying to show up better for the queer people in your life.

💬 If you’ve ever thought “I want to support… but I don’t know how” — this one’s for you.

🎧 Listen now and learn how to be a better ally... And until next time, stay perfectly queer!

Heather Hester links:

Website: https://www.heatherhester.net/

Podcast: More Human, More Kind

Book: Parenting with Pride

Substack: https://heatherhester.substack.com/

Transcript

Welcome to Let's Be Perfectly Queer, a queer podcast creating space to talk about all things queer. My name is Archie, and I'm joined today by Heather Hester, author, speaker, and host of More Human, More Kind. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. You're very welcome.

And on today's episode, we are going to be talking about the three mindset shifts that help parents and allies move from fear to confidence in supporting LGBTQ plus loved ones, and especially in today's polarized climate. Yes. It's a big topic.

It's definitely a big topic. But before we get into this episode, did you want to tell our listeners a little bit about yourself and who you are? Absolutely. Yes.

So my name is Heather Hester, and I am a mom of two queer kids. And so I started doing this work soon after my first kid came out. And really everything has kind of happened in this very organic, I guess the best way to say it, organic way.

It has been just a really, really lovely journey of we found ourselves in a space where we didn't know how to support our son and we needed information. We couldn't find information. He was struggling.

And we kind of got to the place where I was like, well, I'm having a hard time finding it, so I'm going to create it. And that's how the podcast, which originally was called Just Breathe Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen when I started way back in 2019. And then last year, after the election that we had in 2024 in the United States, and some of the things that were going on with algorithms and things that were being banned, I decided to change the name to More Human, More Kind.

And to really start having some more, it was kind of twofold, having broader conversations, but also having more direct conversations. Whereas when I first started this work, I was really talking very specifically about parenting and supporting your queer child and understanding kind of what they were going through in the coming out process and all of that. But I did not talk about religion.

I did not talk about politics. I did not talk about some of those topics that are difficult, right? And in the past two years, I've kind of pulled all of that apart and said, we have to talk about these things. It's really, really important to talk about them.

And so that's how More Human, More Kind came to be. And it's just been in a book, I wrote a book as well called Parenting with Pride, which has been just a whole part of the journey as well. So lots of moving pieces, but this is, you know, it is my work.

It is my love. It is, you know, it's two of my four kids, but it's our whole family. I always say when I first, when my oldest came out nine, almost nine years ago, that really changed the whole trajectory, not only of his life, obviously, but of all of ours.

And the most extraordinary way, the relationships that we have now are, I can't even imagine. I mean, it wouldn't have touched what we have now, right? I mean, it is just so amazing, so real, so messy, and so fabulous. Life is a little bit messy.

It sounds like a great journey that you've been on and congratulations for still sticking to your guns and doing a podcast, especially in the political climate and what's happening over there. It is very brave. And in the States, you definitely need those resources right now.

So thank you for still doing that. And thank you for being that ally when a lot of people have kind of turned their backs because it's easier. So thanks for doing that.

It does mean a lot to your kids, I'm sure, and to the rest of the LGBTQ plus community who have supported you and listened to you. I know that you sticking around would mean a lot, but before we get into the three mindset shifts, when you say fear in supporting LGBTQ loved ones, what does that fear usually look like for parents or for allies? Oh, wow. That is a great question.

It can look a lot of different ways. I find, I think it kind of depends on where, where one is in the journey, I guess we'll keep using that word. So at the beginning I found that, and this was true for me, but I find this with a lot of my clients as well, that it is that what is their future going to be like? I'm worried about their safety.

That's a huge fear with good reason right now, particularly in the United States and lots of places around the world as well. So I don't mean to say that as it's only happening here. An aside off of that is there had been such beautiful progress for so long and that has now changed, right? That's started going backwards.

And so that is why I say it like that. So there's, there's a lot of fear when it comes to safety. There's a lot of fear of saying the wrong thing.

And you know, what if I'm say something offensive? What if I don't use the right words? What if I don't know how to talk to them or talk to their friends? There are a lot of fears about relationships, not understanding how queer relationships work, which I mean, all these things are very real, but also like such very understandable and, and very, I don't want to say easy, but they're all things that can be talked through, right? So I, I hear those fears and I get it because I, we were there too. And, and things still come up. I think online fears are a huge fear, right? I mean, we could probably sit here and like just ping pong back and forth with, oh yeah, that's one too, right? Oh yeah, definitely.

And with my mom, it was very much, you know, fear of other people's opinions and how that was going to impact me as well. And what would you say to a parent who's avoiding the conversation with their child altogether because they fear that saying something makes it real or that they're scared of making mistakes? What would you say to them? And, and you mean a parent who the child has already come out to them? Yeah. So there is that like, okay.

Because that's a question too, that I get sometimes is what if you, you think that your child is queer, but they haven't come out to you, should you say something? And, and you could probably tell me if my answer to this is, is accurate. I say, no, you shouldn't. I said, you absolutely should wait.

Yeah. Okay, good. That's a hundred percent right.

Because the, the journey for the child is very, they're still working it out. And by you labeling them, you're already kind of boxing them in and they're not sure. So you kind of have to let them come to it on their own terms and come to you because you can just create a safe environment and say things like, oh, did you see this? Great.

Oh, they're so cute. This couple or something like that to show them that you are a safe person or little things, but don't say, Hey, are you gay? Or I know you're gay. It's fine because you're, you're already pigeonholing them and they may not be ready to admit that to themselves yet.

So let them come to it in their own time. And then, then once they've come to you, then you can start talking about it. Awesome.

That's so good. And I love that, you know, bringing up saying things that let them know that you are safe, that you are, you know, somebody that they can come and talk to when they're ready. And that is so, so important.

But circling back to your question, it's kind of a two-part question. I feel like if the parent is not saying anything because they're afraid of saying the wrong, the wrong thing, I would say, I get that. And when you don't say anything, what your child is thinking, they are creating an entire narrative that is probably not good in their head.

They're thinking that you might be judging them. They're thinking that you might not accept them or love them or that they're a problem, that they and, and, and, right? And well, it's much better to let them know that you see them. So I'm so glad you've shared this with me.

I don't know a lot and I need to learn. So I'm going to take some time so I can learn. And because I think that is another big, big piece, which is it's not your child's responsibility to teach you.

And to educate you. And so while it is so good to be curious and to ask those like really great open-ended questions, which helps you get out of that like scared judgmental place. And it helps you just kind of sit in the, oh, here are the answers.

It's also your, as the parent or the ally, your job to then go out and learn, to go find the resources, to find the information so that you can understand. So then you can come back and ask good follow-up questions or, or like you just said, I read this today and, and this, or I, I saw this in an article or, but whatever, what do you think of this? Does this feel true? Does this feel like something that, you know, aligns with you? Don't say aligns because your kid's going to be like, why are you using that word? But, you know, we can use that as parents, but you know what I mean. I hundred percent understand what you mean by that.

And it is, it is an interesting thing that a lot of parents expect their LGBTQ plus kid to educate them. And, and a lot of people in general kind of expect the LGBTQ community to educate them, but the community doesn't owe that. Some will want to, but remember it's also, you have to put in the effort to learn and that will really show your child that you really care by simply just searching.

Like, Hey, I've, I've looked into some stuff. Could maybe you clarify this because I've found this information. And I think that's where it needs to come from, where it's not just the child having all the information because it's a power imbalance.

And as a parent, you're meant to be there to protect and guide your, your kid. And they're not meant to have all the answers. And when they feel like they have all the answers, they can get exhausted and they might feel the world's a lot heavier than it should be.

And you, you brought up a kid, you know, if you don't say anything, they're going to be in their head so much. And young LGBTQ kids have a massive battle in their minds because they don't fit in with what society says is right. And there's also a link with neurodivergence and LGBTQ plus.

So then you're already adding on an extra barrier and extra barrier. And that's a lot for someone who's very young and going through all of the different crazy emotions, hormones, and the craziness of being a child. So those are just some things to think about.

Like you don't know the pressures of what you're putting into your kid's brain by you not saying anything because you're scared. Right. Exactly.

Exactly. And that is a great, great point that you bring up is that link that we're learning more and more about. Right.

But also just that piece of, it's already hard enough to be a teenager, to be a young adult in today's world that adding on top of that coming out, adding on top of that any neurodivergence, adding on top of that all these pieces, that is so much. I mean, it is beyond so much. So whatever heavy lifting that we can do as parents, as allies, as loved ones who we have to do it, no matter how uncomfortable it is, no matter how much you feel like you're out of your depth or you don't know what you're doing, you're the adult and that is part of the job.

And you're right. I mean, at the end of the day, our number one job is to protect, to keep safe. Right.

So, yeah. Yeah. Kids just want to feel like they're heard and they're safe.

And if they're not getting that from their parents, who are they getting that from? Sometimes they're not able to get that from anybody. And I know that in the States there is political talk about teachers not being able to keep a child's identity secret and all that kind of stuff. But then if you're taking that away, who have they got? So as a parent, you need to love your child unconditionally and be there for them.

Sometimes they will make mistakes. Sometimes they will do things that you may not agree with. But at the end of the day, they're still your child and you're there to guide them because they're still learning.

They're not an adult. They're still learning and they need you as that role model. Well, exactly.

And let's be real. Do you know any adults who are doing it perfectly all the time? No. I mean, that's what's so crazy.

And I think that was one of my, certainly my most favorite lessons was being able to finally be like, oh, I don't have to pretend like I'm perfect. My kids don't need for me to be perfect. They need for me to be real.

They need for me to be vulnerable. They need for me to be able to say, I totally screwed that up. Or I don't know.

And I'm sorry to be able to like see like, oh, I messed that up. I'm really sorry I did that. I am going to do better.

That's what they need because that models for them how to be an emotionally adept human. Right. So, yeah.

Yeah, that's it. It's some parents don't want to admit when they're wrong or they want to have that power. But I think if you actually say like, hey, I actually don't know this, I will find out or hey, I don't know this.

Do you know this answer or by using each other as sources of information, not just wholly relying on one or the other, you kind of bring in that communication and that you take down that wall so that the child knows that you are a safe person to communicate with no matter what and that they won't feel judged because you aren't this all holy power that knows everything. You are human. And to be human is to learn.

Exactly. And to be constantly learning. And there is that piece of saying, gosh, I thought this over here for a long time and now I realize I don't agree with that anymore.

And so I'm going to let that go because this over here, this is what I believe. This is what feels right for who I am as a human right now. And so being able to really talk through that and share that with your child also shows them that they have kind of that permission to grow and change and evolve that you shouldn't stay static.

Right. I mean, it's not realistic. It's not, I mean, healthy, frankly.

So I think these are all yes, I think these are all great kind of entry points to have just open conversations and very human conversations. Yeah. And I think these were great entry points for us to start talking about the three mindset shifts.

So did you want to talk us through the three mindset shifts that you kind of focus on? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes.

So there are, I've kind of worked through these a little bit over time and we already talked about one of them, which is moving from that judging to being curious. So I'll just kind of run back through it really quick. But it's that I think a lot of times, especially when we feel fearful, when we don't know something that that's when we really fall into that space of judging and, and being judgmental is a very human thing to do.

So that's, this is not a, nothing I say is to shame anyone. It is pointing out like very real human traits that we all have. But once you become aware of these, that's where the cool stuff happens.

Right? So when you catch yourself being judgmental or, or, you know, whether it's towards yourself, because I mean, we can be, if not as judgy, even worse towards ourselves, right? Very critical and judgmental of ourselves. So taking that and being like, oh wait, okay, I caught it. I see what I'm doing and flipping that.

And typically it's like a judgmental thought or statement is something that's closed opening that up. So how do you flip that and open that up? So it's like a, a, I wonder, and kind of having that. And even if you like throw that phrase through your brain, I wonder that helps you just kind of shift into being curious instead of being judgmental.

The second one that I love and I think is really good and also goes to kind of something we were just talking about, which is control. So parents are thought of to be all powerful and all controlling. And one of the things that I realized very early on was that none of us have control.

Like control is really an illusion. And so when people think, especially as parents, you're controlling your children, you're not because frankly, I mean, let's get real. They're smarter than we are.

So any kind of control we think we have, they're going to figure out ways to get around it because it's like a human reaction to feeling controlled. Nobody wants to be controlled. And so we figure out ways around it.

Right? So the shift is to influence, how do we influence our children to whether it's do or think or behave or be in the world? And that's really just offering, right? It's offering like a perspective and using that as the point of influence. Right? And it can be, you know, life, your own life experience, your wisdom as an older human, all these things too. I offer this as just something to think about.

And this would be good or bad for you or however you want to word it. But I have found that that just works better. Not that they're instantly like, okay, mom, that's a great idea.

But it's a different energy than that, like control. Right? Like I just have my thumb on you kind of. Yeah.

And then the third one is also another one like, this is why I chose them as my three because I love them all. The shift from fixing to validating. And I will tell you, this is, I just had this happen to me this weekend.

So these are all things that are like works in progress. I mean, this is something I've been working on for so long, but as a parent and I think just human beings, like when we see somebody that we love, so parents, their children, but you know, it could be like a friend, right? And somebody you love, you see them in pain, you see them struggling. Your instant feeling is fix.

How do I fix this for them? How do I tell them what to do? This happened to me this weekend. I was just visiting my son in New York over the weekend and we met him on Saturday morning and he was like, I, you know, I'm not feeling great. And I was like, oh, well, there's a coffee shop up there.

We can get you some coffee or maybe you need some food or do you just need to sit down? And he literally looked at me and he was like, I don't need for you to fix this, mom. I just wanted to tell you what I was like, oh my gosh, I'm still doing it. Like it is such an instant thing in your body to just help, like fix, right? And I loved it that he said that to me because I was just like, of course I do.

The better thing for me to have said in that moment would have been like, I'm really sorry that you feel so lousy. That sucks, right? Or what do you need from me? How can I be helpful? So it is, again, it's just that like shift from like, and it comes from, again, a place of discomfort within ourselves because we don't like to feel helpless. We don't like to feel like we can't do something.

And so it's sitting with that discomfort and just saying, I love this human. I just need for them to know all they need from me is to be seen and to know that I love them, right? All right. It's actually a lot easier when you think about it.

You don't have to come up with all those solutions. And that's the thing because even just with my partner, sometimes she just wants to vent. And so when she's talking to me about something and she's getting worked up before I reply, I'm like, do you want me to fix it or do you want me to listen? And then that has helped solve a lot of issues because sometimes I'll try to fix it and then she get really angry at me.

And so then we kind of like just take the moment to be like, okay, is this a fixing or do you want me just to listen and back you up and validate what you're saying? And it makes a massive difference into the way we communicate because sometimes she wants me to help fix and sometimes she's just locked in an office and just needs someone else to talk to. And it just makes a massive change. Also, when I was having top surgery, my mom came down and helped support me.

But in the end, she ended up being a lot worse because she wanted to fix everything that couldn't be fixed. And then she was like, I'll feed you. I'm not hungry, but you're not eating.

I'll feed you. I'll make you this. And it became a lot that I was getting exhausted because I was trying to make her okay while she was supporting me.

And then it became this vicious cycle. And then it was insane. I was tired.

Once she left, I actually like had a breath, which is kind of funny. Yeah, it is funny. Sometimes you just need to vent, right? Like your person just needs to vent, whether it's your kid, your partner, whomever it is.

They don't want a solution. I mean, I know the number of times that I've gone to my husband and he has learned that sometimes I just need to like get it all out and then and say all the things to him that I can't say to anybody else, right? That's my safe space. Then I can think clearly, but I don't need him to respond.

I just need him to like hear it. It's just a soundboard. And so I think, you know, kind of keeping that.

And again, like to your point that that is such a, it's actually a relief to be able to embrace that because then you're not constantly thinking, well, how do I fix this? How do I solve this? They need this from me. They won't think that they're loved if I don't fix this or solve this or have, you know, 15 different responses to whatever they're saying. And that's just not true.

And I think as well, it also goes back to sometimes you want to fix problems, but you do not have the experience or the understanding. So for example, if it is a specific LGBTQ plus problem and you're trying to fix it, you come from a place of not understanding what it's like. It's like someone with no kids telling a person with kids how to parent their kids.

Does that make sense? So that's, yeah, so it's kind of like, you know, sometimes you won't have the answers and you won't have the expertise, but you're just there to support and hold their hand. That's it. Exactly.

Exactly. And I think that comes back to, to that place of like, just be okay with that. You're going to feel really uncomfortable and there are going to be times where you're not going to have answers.

And even if you do have the answers, they're not going to want them. So just keep them to yourself and sit with that. Like, okay, I'm uncomfortable and that is okay.

I'm uncomfortable and that means I'm growing, right? Yeah. I like to say, you know, so if you say in your little comfort circle, that's, that's it. When you go outside, you get comfortable in being uncomfortable and you grow as a person and you know, sometimes it's just something small and it's just changing your, the way you respond, changing the way you listen and it can make a massive difference to someone else.

Exactly. I mean, huge, huge difference. And I think it's been such a years and years ago when my oldest had first come out and he was really going through some tough times and we were in a particular program with him and there were parent weekends.

And so we had come for one of the parent weekends and we were doing this, this when we first learned validating, which I know sounds so funny, but we're like literally all these, like, you know, there's probably eight or 10 parents in there and they're having us practice validating and not fixing. And it was like such an eyeopening thing. But then my husband got into this, like he loved to, like when other dads would come to him with stuff, he'd be like, listen, you need to validate.

This is very important. And it was such a funny thing. Cause you know, we're like 40 somethings at that point that are just like, this is very important and we just learned it.

Right. Like, whereas, you know, all of the teenagers and the 20 somethings are like, yeah, we've got this. I love that so much.

And so talking about, you know, parents and allies and validating in a world that right now is very, it's very anti-LGBTQ plus it is. Let's not sugarcoat it. It's not everywhere, but it is in the media because it's clickbaity and people want to comment on it.

And so, you know, it sells, which is, I think is really toxic and media law and ethics is actually, that's a whole other thing. But how do parents and allies stay grounded when they're hearing so much fear-based lies and messaging everywhere about the LGBTQ plus community? Ooh, that is a great, great question. There's a couple of different answers to this.

I think there's a couple of different parts to the answer. First, if you are a parent who has already been an ally, has, is already grounded in your knowledge, then it becomes a practice of, first of all, taking care of your own nervous system, right? So really being pretty disciplined about what you look at and what you don't look at and having limits on what you take in and knowing exactly where you're, the good places are to get information, right? What you can trust, what is trustworthy, who are those trustworthy people that you are listening to, whether it is podcasts or if you're a TikTok person, if you're a YouTube person, wherever you are getting your information, you know, mainstream, you know, if you still like the newspaper or whatever, but really making sure that you stay grounded, taking care of your nervous system. So having solid practices for that.

If you are a parent who is, or an ally who's new, newer, and you just don't really have an information base yet at all, I have such compassion and it is so easy to get pulled into all of this, all of this clickbait, right? All of this fear that is literally being put out there to keep you afraid and to keep you confused and to, and to make things on one hand, just sound like a chaotic mess. And it's accurate that it's a chaotic mess, but what's going on in the chaotic mess is not necessarily truth. And so it's very confusing unless you are literally like a full-time political junkie, which who has time to do that, right? I would say, you know, tap into your people that you trust.

Again, it's a big game of trust. Find people like me, not to plug myself in this place, but you want to find, you know, your people who can give you information, share information that is factual, that is based in experience and in truth, and, and also point you in directions of other really good resources that are trustworthy. And that's a really hard thing to find these days.

So that is what keeps me up at night, keeps me doing what I'm doing. And it is, I mean, it, it takes some, some work to find. And, but once you find your people, just stick, stick with them.

And you're going to find some toads along the way and that's okay, but you just have to kind of drop them off, but you know, you keep those diamonds with you. And for parents and allies who are listening right now, what is something that is high impact or some small high impact ways that they can show support publicly? Ooh, another great question. I've been thinking about this question a lot because I've been asked it a couple of times in recent weeks and months.

And what I have really honed in on is find out what you're good at. Like, what are, what are your strengths? Like mine is podcasting, right? Like this, I love doing this. So this is how I speak out.

I use this platform as a way to speak out and to be an ally and to be an advocate, but that might not be yours, right? You might have another, um, I mean, I'm sure you do have another thing that you do very well. So is it, you know, that your profession, right? Are you an attorney? Are you a healthcare worker? Are you, what, is there some way that you can kind of think out of the box with your profession that you can make a difference? Protest. Not everybody, that's not everybody's sweet spot.

That's also not like geographically available to everyone. So if that's not an option for you, then you have to find other ways of doing it. And it could be, you know, as simple as in your schools, are there ways to be an ally in your schools to kids or your library, go to your local library.

You probably have, um, some kind of youth and family services that you can also be, you know, a volunteer and do, you know, just because it's not a allowed to thousands of people type of thing, being that one-on-one.