The Golden Cage: Growing Up Privileged, Masculine & Gay, with Wade Belair

Welcome back to Let's Be Perfectly Queer Podcast, your go to LGBT Australian podcast for all things queer.

In this episode Archie sits down with Wade Belair to unpack the “golden cage” of privilege, masculinity, and being a gay man in environments where fitting in feels like survival.

Wade shares how growing up in wealthy, hyper-masculine country club culture shaped his understanding of masculinity, relationships, and self-worth. Even with loving parents and stability, the pressure to be “one of the boys” left him battling deep internalised shame and fear.

In this episode we discuss:

•  The hidden mental health struggles that comes with being gay and privileged.
• Hyper-masculinity and “boys will be boys” culture
• Internalised homophobia and self-loathing
• Toxic relationships and emotional addiction
• Why privilege doesn’t protect you from shame
• The pressure to perform masculinity
• Healing, therapy, and self-acceptance

This episode explores a side of queer identity that often gets overlooked, the reality that pain, shame, and identity struggles can exist even when life looks “perfect” from the outside.

🎧 Listen now to to hear Wades honest and vulnerable story... ... And until next time, stay perfectly queer!



Links:

Instagram: @georgewbelair

Transcript

Archie:
Welcome to Let's Be Perfectly Queer, a queer podcast creating space to talk about all things queer. My name is Archie and I am joined today by Wade Belair. Welcome to the show, Wade.

Wade:
Thank you so much.

Archie:
But before we get into this episode, did you want to tell our listeners a little bit about who you are? Yeah, absolutely. I am Wade.

Wade:
I live in New York. I have always had an interest in podcasts and podcasting. I went on a friend's podcast pretty recently and then got the bug to start exploring it now and really start diving in.

And I, you know, my day job is I invest in and consult with startups, mostly consumer startups and founders. I've always been drawn to that and interested in that and love that. But the two worlds are pretty synergistic and there's a lot of overlap.

So I, you know, I'm excited to kind of dive in more. And obviously, I'm gay. What really brought me to these types of conversations is I had kind of a not unique journey to coming out as gay, but it's one that I feel like now, especially with shows like Heated Rivalry and people opening up more, it's a story that you're realizing is much more common.

But it's still not talked about enough about people who really struggle to come out and, you know, are kind of bogged down under it. So that's kind of has been like a big center chopping point of what I've been talking about on podcast, but not only. But yeah.

Archie:
And if you could describe your upbringing in just a couple of sentences, I know that's kind of putting you on the spot. How would you describe it?

Wade:
Extremely privileged, great parents, great, you know, background, great family, came from a very like almost TV show like suburban neighborhood outside of New York, very, as we would say, like WASP country club culture, which is also very, you know, is a big center of the story of someone having a hard time coming to terms with internally of being gay as well as coming out publicly to being gay. Which I then learned actually was not.

It's more of it's all based in, you know, in fear more than the reality where everyone from that town that you kind of classic football guys in high school who are like my best friends that you're like, they're going, you know, they're going to hate that I'm gay, actually love it the most. So yes, my background is that. But it's kind of, again, quintessential story.

Archie:
Yeah. And did you want to delve any more into that kind of story about how it was hard for you to come out? And did you think your upbringing made it harder or was it just a different experience of coming out?

Wade:
I think it made it harder a little bit. I think that a big thing was there is a big camaraderie and kind of reward system around being, you know, very hyper masculine in that culture.

But in the hardest part for me was that even today, like, you know, I am one of very much one of the guys like my best friends are all straight men. Not to say I also have my best gay men as well, but it's more like people I grew up with my core, very straight men. And there's, I think in my head, I never wanted to be the odd duck out and always wanted to be in the camaraderie as well.

It's, you know, and I think every culture has that. But just like specifically, it's very prevalent where it's kind of like, you know, group of guys, you sit around and talk about girls you're chasing. Let's go out on Saturday and drink beers and also go chase those girls, you know, and then Sunday, who, what girls were you, you know, it's the center of everything.

So I think I had this thing in my head where I was just was like, I don't want to be the odd man out here. I want to be part of this and in it. And now I realize how silly that is.

But everyone can say that about anything that they were scared of, that they got over. But so at our time, and I think I also, which I'm now unpacking more as I start to actually become more self aware and more honest with myself. And, you know, I have a very great therapist who I attribute a lot of my growth to.

But I kind of saw that all the as I started to dip my toes into dating as a gay man, a lot of the missteps I made with people were rooted in that kind of scared little boy wanting to fit in, you know, and my surroundings, it's kind of where it all stemmed from. And another big story about that I focused on a lot of podcasts that I've done just conversations I have all the time, is that I, you know, I came out and then I had a very kind of deep and tumultuous relationship with a fully closeted, very self resenting, self loathing, gay, bisexual man, only he really knows the answer to that, but not straight man, because, you know, we had a very deep love affair, but I was agonized by that for, you know, about three years. And now that I look back at that, that was kind of my first real, you know, relationship, if you want to call it that after I came out.

And even, you know, and that ended about a year and a half ago. And I now look at that and say, wow, that was crazy that I let that happen. I would let someone treat me like that because, you know, he was very self loathing.

And as we know, hurt people hurt people. So I now am kind of seeing that that was, you know, that was rooted in me accepting the bare minimum for men and allowing men to get away with anything and just still be there, you know, hands open, well, you know, to say it's okay, it's okay, is rooted in that in me being insecure and, you know, about being gay and never really fully come to terms with it, which I am now very much so and will never let situations like that happen ever again. It's awesome that you've had that growth.

Archie:
Do you think that because of your upbringing and understanding, because you kind of came from the same world, do you feel like that was what drew you together more than just being gay?

Wade:
I think, yeah, I think it was a likeness. I think it's also, you know, we've started to deduce, like, where did my first crushes start? My first crushes started when I'm in the locker room with like my buddies, you know, for like soccer, you know, and like that's where my crush started. My crushes were originally on straight men.

Who knows? I don't know. Some of them, I don't know where they are today. They could have also come out as gay.

But yeah, like that's, I mean, those were my crushes originated. I think it's also, you know, people ask me this a lot saying, are you drawn to, are you attracted to closeted men? And I, my answer is always no, because I've gone through that and seen how agonizing that can be, but it's actually counters just my, you know, everyone has kind of their type. And I think a lot of people are drawn to people who are similar to them.

My type is not exclusively, but, you know, one of the types personality wise is, you know, more masculine men. And I think with that territory just naturally comes like people who are closeted or working through it or haven't come to terms with it just comes to the territory. Cause like, that's obviously, you know, it's going to skew more that way.

But I think, yes, with him, there was like this kind of trauma bond, as some would say, which I also agree with, of, you know, me almost having like a savior complex being like, I did this, I did exactly what you were doing. I've seen this play before. Look at me now I'm out and everyone knows.

I'm okay. And, you know, you could do this too. So I'm almost like, like mentoring while also being in love.

But yeah, it, uh, I think that definitely is what brought us closer. It was like this shared experience, but the difference was even though, yes, like I, I think anyone who naturally is when you're in that process, you're going to hurt people along the way. Like I was, I hurt people and then felt true remorse and really felt horrible about it.

Also wasn't going out of my way to hurt people. He had a different, you know, different, he really hurt people and I don't think felt anything really after it. Um, so I think there's, there's obviously other underlying things there with, you know, personality wise.

It's not even, you know, not just strictly sexuality wise. I think it's just a different of character, but yeah, I think that's what really made it so unmatched. We were too, I mean, I was like drunk the whole time, you know, and now that I look back, I'm like, holy shit, I feel like I just opened my eyes.

So, yeah. I do think that is a common theme. Like I know when I first came out, I was drunk a lot of the time as well because it was, you had so many emotions and the only time you weren't thinking about society and emotions and what everybody's thinking about you is when you're drunk because you're just having a good time and, and it definitely plays on your mind and those kinds of things.

Archie:
And do you ever think back about that time and what would have happened had you stayed with him?

Wade:
Oh yeah. I think I would have, I think I would have gone down. Like I think I was so deeply depressed.

I mean, what really shook me out of it was, you know, people can tell you all the time, like you have to stop doing this. This is horrible. You don't seem well.

You never listen. Like the only way to actually deal with it is to go through it. Like it's like people say you have to have the breakup.

Like no one's going to get you to break up with anyone. No one's, it's like, if you're on this path, you're on this path. But towards like the end of this relationship, many people have already come to me, more were starting to really sit me down.

But the most significant one was my mom called me and we were having what seemed like a normal conversation. And then she kind of just started crying. And she said, my son has lost his light.

She says, you aren't yourself. You're like a ghost. And that, you know, when we're at the dinner table, I sit there and I'm clearly stressed, clearly anxious, looking at my phone, walking up, you know, and I was, I'm on my phone, walking on eggshells, thinking what I'm going to respond to this person so that he doesn't get mad at me, making sure that his emotions are, you know, making sure I'm good.

So like I was just, every day was just that. My therapist and I talked about how like all my energy and all my days were focused on that and dealing with that. And that I just kind of forgot about everything else.

Like my partner who I work with also sat me down and he was saying, he basically shook it out of me saying, this is not the person I became partners with. And he basically said like, I've lost respect for you, which is harsh, but needed because I actually then by both of those stepped back and was like, damn, this is, it's never a good sign when people now come up to me who I had known during that era and say like, you seem like you're doing so well and you seem so good. Cause it's like, it's like, oh shit.

So it was so visible and it was so obvious back then. But like, I'm like, oh, we're living, you know, blah, blah, blah. And everything's great.

Everything, you know, he had, he's crazy. But you know, sometimes we have a, when we go on a trip together, we would laugh and we have a good time. You know, we always making excuses for someone else.

So if I stayed doing that on that path, I think physically and mentally I was unhealthy. So I think that would have progressed to, I don't even want, you know, don't even know what, I can't speculate really, but like, couldn't be good, like worse, worse than where I was at scares me. Cause I was pretty low already.

So lower sounds horrible. And do you think, cause I know me personally when I was first dating, because I didn't have any queer role models. So I didn't know what were healthy relationship, even like, even like in some of my family members, you know, some of it was anger and there was fighting.

And so that was kind of a normalcy for me. And so I do wonder as well, because you don't have the role models on television in life. Do you feel like, because there was an unknown element, you allowed it to go on longer than it should have? I think yes.

And I, but I also think that I, even to like to date, obviously I think now I'm in the most aware stage that I've ever been in. But I think even during that time, I didn't in any form of relationship, straight or gay have a good, like my parents had a great relationship, but it just wasn't, I wasn't able to apply it to my life. So it's more like I'm looking at elsewhere.

And I, you know, I think that your, your relationship is based on at that time also, like I was pretty secretive and with my father and not as open. So like that transfers then into your relationship with someone else where you start, I was accepting kind of bare minimum emotional openness and whatnot, because I was accepting that in other places in my life. But to your question, yes, I think having, I had come from a place of, I don't want to be gay.

I'm in my brain, I'm associating this with whoever it could be like caricature, outdated movies or whatever. I don't want to be that, like, you know, I don't want to be this ultra, you know, kind of taboo, feminine, you know, it's just, it's the extreme, because I feel like up until recently in movies and everything, it's just depicted as extreme, this extreme thing. And I had no one to really base it off of or look up to her.

Yeah, I think, I think it would have been, if it all had started today, when there are more openly gay figures and couples that I could resonate with more, I think absolutely, or in my, I'm kind of referring to like celebrities and mainstream, but like in my life, too, if it was like I had someone who was just like, whatever, it could have been someone I knows, brother, uncle, anything that, you know, put their arm around me and was like, I know, like, this is tough. It's scary, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it would have changed everything.

But I think that's, I think within especially with people coming out, like that's everything like that is a big thing. And I also forgot to mention this in my intro, but I'm in the application process. So, we're going to see, I want to do my master's in psychology and mental health counseling.

And I'm sorry, I totally forgot that because I'm still waiting. So, I'm trying to not think about it every day. So, I'm waiting to be either acceptance or the alternative, because I do think that I would like to, you know, I obviously have my career, but I have time, I can do multiple things at once.

And I think it's important. I would love to be able to talk specifically with people who are young men who are struggling to come out. I think that no one is focused on that.

No one is special. I mean, I'm sure that's, I can't say no one, because I'm sure there are people who do great work with that, but there should definitely be more. And I think I could, I think I have it in me to, you know, help just even one of those guys who's really struggling.

If you just tell a shared story that's similar to this or yours or anyone's, like it changes everything because I could have used that. I could have definitely used that.

Archie:
You mentioned in the email, this golden cage. What does that mean to you? And how do you think that impacted your coming out?

Wade:
I know the golden cage is like, it's like, or people, some people say the golden handcuffs where it's like, it is, again, it's like coming from the privileged where it's like, I had, you know, everything at my, on paper, everything at your fingertips to like, why would you care about anything, you know, in this way? And I think people don't realize, I think people don't realize that in mental health in general, they think like, how could that person be depressed? You know, they have it all. They have this great life, this great everything. And I think it's especially true with people who are repressing and battling, you know, their demons when it comes to accepting themselves and being scared about other people accepting them for their sexuality.

So, I think it just, it also made me feel this, A, I think it made me feel like there was this role I was meant to play, you know, which I had made up. No one in my life actually had imposed it on me. I think I was just like, I'm supposed to be this guy who is macho guy who's going to get a wife and a job.

And, you know, so that was a little kid. That was it. It was like, I'm going to get a wife.

And then I started to even when I had a young age strategize, like I was like, okay, I'll get a wife because that's what I'm supposed to do. And then I'll just go on trips, work trips and cheat with men. Like, I'd start to think about that.

And it's like, what a crazy thing for a whatever, you know, 15 year old to already be strategizing. Like, I'll just be in the closet forever. But I think I had this role to play.

And I also think I had this like, this guilt of like, who am I to complain about anything? Which I think is true. Like, I think some people, you know, it's like, I really can't complain about much. But and my parents are so, you know, everyone's like, you know, you're scared of your dad.

Was he, do you think he hates gay people? It's like, no, I don't even have that. Like, it's just, it's people don't realize that it's just, it's mostly internal. It's mostly you.

It's you ashamed of you. You scared of you. You, it's you.

Like, you might not have any, like, I didn't have any external, you know, things I can blame or scapegoat. So, you know, my dad has a sign that says he hates gay men. And you know, it's, I didn't have anything.

It's I, nothing. He would have welcomed me with open arms. He'd welcome me with open arms now.

I just, it was me. It really is just you. It's you against you.

Yeah. And that's the thing. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy.

Sometimes the situations can get a lot worse and your family can disown you. You know, a lot of the times as well that you are your own worst enemy because you catastrophize and you make things so much worse than it actually is. I agree.

And I think, yes, there, again, that was also the thing is there are people who do have that, who do have the families who will disown you, who will turn their backs on you, who will denounce you openly. And I think because I, you know, I didn't have that, I then was like, well, then why am I, I was confused. I was like, why am I, what is going on here? But yes, and I sympathize with people who have that the most because I can't imagine like some, you know, as someone, again, the golden cage, like as someone who had it comparatively easy.

That's why I think, you know, I'd already gone to, because it's easier when you're, when you're applying to these sort of master's programs, they recommend you go start volunteering ahead of time to give yourself some credibility, to give yourself a leg up. So when they read your application, you know, it's hard to have past experience and something like that if you're not certified in it because you can't, you know, so, but it's like, you should be kind of getting your hands in it where you can. So I went to the LGBTQ center in New York and talked to this guy who's been running groups there, I think for like 15 years.

And he was just telling me kind of one-off stories. And, you know, he's telling me about some of these kids who are, you know, 14, 15, probably younger who come in from, you know, pretty hard backgrounds, pretty hard neighborhoods, you know, very low-income families, families divorced and worse. And say that these kids come in and they're like, if I come out of the closet, I'm, it's not even an option.

Like, they're like, this is not going to happen. So I have to just cope on my own, you know, and it's those types of situations. I was like, damn, I, that's where I wanted to immediately jump in.

So I'm trying to get involved in that. But again, there's a whole spectrum of the context of the struggle of men, specifically men and women coming out of the closet, but it's just really internal. And I think people underestimate how, you know, people always tell me when I talk about this, they're like, well, come on, it's 2026.

Who gives a fuck? And it's like, it doesn't matter the year. It really doesn't matter. Like, it's a male, it's a thing.

Like, and I know I keep leaning towards males, but it's my personal perspective. Obviously there is the struggle of females coming out of the closet too, or non-binary as well. But I, for males specifically, it's like, there is this like, this male camaraderie, kind of ingrained attitude that makes the struggle just internally hard.

And doesn't people like 2026, I was like, it doesn't fucking matter at all. Like that, I think it will always be a struggle. I think it will always just be there as long as, you know, men are men and, and I just did air quotes for audio, but like, it's as long as like, that is kind of the bravado of it and the attitude.

It's like, it will always be hard. Cause like when you're six years old, like you're not thinking big picture, you're thinking what's in front of you, which is boys circling up on the field at recess and being like, all right, boys, let's get dirty, you know, and you're just don't want to be different. And like, that's, it's kind of comes down.

It just boils down to that. It's hard. And then it gets harder and then it hopefully theoretically gets easier.

I find it to happen easier, but yeah.

Archie:
And do you find with your golden cage upbringing that there was a stronger emphasis on masculinity and the patriarchy?

Wade:
I think yes. And I find it interesting that then when I kind of refer back to the stories of the guy who's telling me about, you know, these very, these, these kids who come from.

extremely low income backgrounds, they also have this extreme masculinity kind of concept in their home. And it's an interesting kind of line to draw. But then yes, I think for sure, it's very dads at work, moms at home, boys will be boys, boys chase girls.

There's really there's not much outside the lines. And it wasn't like, you know, it wasn't like hostilely imposed on you. It was just ingrained in you, just like instinctually almost like, this is what we do.

This is how it goes. But yes, I think it made it much harder to come out. I think it was very obvious who was really freaked out by it.

And who wasn't like, it wasn't, you know, people kind of wear it on their face, you know, wasn't like, can't tell this guy. But like, I think, yeah, I think you can see it. And, you know, any kind of extreme of background, whether it's extremely privileged or the complete opposite.

But yeah, I think in where I was from, and kind of everyone's attitude and the roles everyone played, that was a big thing. Those kind of stereotypes and those kind of strict structures can kind of put a lot of pain on yourself, but also on others. Did you have a moment when you realized that what you were doing, trying to abide by these strict ideas of what people expected to you were hurting you or hurting others around you? I don't think so.

I think I, it took me a long time to have any sort of self-awareness. I think, I think it took me the longest to realize I was hurting myself. I think I learned first that I was hurting others.

I think I, I always say this, that when people are in the closet, it's kind of like you almost have like a brain tumor, like, or like a disease of the brain where you're like, you're hurting, you change, you're sick. Like I was a horrible friend. I lied all the time about things, not even about sexuality.

I just think it was just a defense mechanism. I was constantly, you know, I was a horrible friend. I dated women and would love bomb them and manipulate them and get them to the point where they would say like, I love you so much just because I needed to feel some sort of love, but I, you know, but I couldn't get it from where I actually needed it.

So I would do it like that and then, you know, immediately discard and, and go to the next and just kind of vampire almost off that and just like extract as much validation as possible as insecure people do. And then I think I got to a point where I, as I started to see the repercussions of that, like, damn, these people who were telling me how sad they were and how hurt they were of my, because of my actions and started. And it really, once it got to my friends, I had a good friend who's one of my best friends.

I was just talking to him before this, cause I'm officiating his wedding now, which is hilarious. Once I tell you this story, cause it's like how full circle it came, but he, and I think it also roots back. He's from my hometown and everything, but this happened later when we were both at in college, but he was really into this girl and he was dating her and was really excited about it and telling me how excited he was about it.

And I think something in me that I think is ingrained in this kind of male competitive bravado, like what I thought, and also coming from a place of insecurity, I started to pursue this girl behind his back and text her and ended up hooking up with her and love bombing her. And like, you know, which was not fair to her either, cause I think she liked him as well. And he called me one day and it was the first time anyone really confronted me.

And he called me one day and just said what he was just like, what the fuck are you doing? This is not you. This is not who you are. Why would you ever do this? Like, it's interesting that he, a very securely straight man before I had even told anyone about me being gay, he said, if you have something to tell us, tell us now.

And if you're not ready now, don't talk to me until you're ready. So basically he was like, I know this is about something else other than this, you know, you wanting to pursue this girl that I told you, like, I think he fully pieced together. He says he did, but I sometimes I'm skeptical, but he's also just like, I knew, but it's interesting that people know when something comes from somewhere else.

And that freaked me out. And I was like a shock to my system and we didn't speak for a while. And that's when I started to realize like, oh shit, I'm, what am I doing? And then came out and then got in this relationship where I hurt myself and was willingly hurting myself.

You know, my therapist, I used to bitch and moan and complain all the time about like, he's so cruel to me. And she was like, you're a willing participant. You know, you're doing this.

You also are participating. You are hurting yourself. And like, which is the kind of therapist everyone should have.

Someone who really does not coddle or enable. She came at me hard. Cause I had a, prior to her, I had a therapist who coddled and enabled and we obviously it went nowhere.

But then I started to be like, okay, you were hurting people. Now you're hurting yourself. It took me a while.

So I had no self-awareness during this entire process. And I think self-awareness is the key to life. And I now think I'm developing and no one is fully there, but I'm, I look back and I can't believe I did that to the people I love.

And I can't believe I did that to myself. Oh yeah. I look back at some of the actions that I did and I was like, that's totally completely different to who I am today.

And I can't believe I allowed myself to do that to others. And it kind of, when you're looking back, you're like, wow, I was an asshole sometimes. And you can say it out loud and it's interesting, right? Cause then you grow and you learn, but sometimes you have to go through all those steps and find yourself and really allow yourself to feel.

Archie:
Cause sometimes, depending on how you're brought up, you're taught that we don't talk emotions or we just say how you have to kind of just suck it up and relationships are hard and all this kind of stuff. And then that gets ingrained at you. And as you get older, you realize relationships aren't hard and they shouldn't be hard, you know, but it's all these kinds of things that you learn from your parents, your grandparents and those kinds of things.

But for you, was there a certain moment where it had gone too far and you started to choose yourself or was this kind of like over time, like everything else you've been on a journey?

Wade:
I think, well, first just to kind of touch on what you just said, I think it goes back really to the hurt people hurt people, like, and who is more hurt than, you know, someone who's just lying to themselves and resent themselves. Like there's no, I don't think there is a more wounded creature maybe, but like, I was so just, I was like a monster, I feel like. And I look back on it and also I'm like, you do can say I was an asshole.

And it always, you know, when you kind of think of something you did and you like blurt out a sound, cause it makes you cringe or like sick. Like it makes me like ill to think about some of the things I did and said, which is good. Cause it means I have, you know, remorse.

And then I regret, was there a point where I was, you know, I was like, I need to choose myself. I think I definitely went into overtime, but I think I did get to a point, not just emotionally, but like physically where I just couldn't take it anymore. Like I got to this really weird day where, um, I mean, just for context, like throughout he and I's saga, he would take breaks to date women and do exactly what I was doing in my, you know, when I was really in the closet, my teens and college, but he was in his, you know, late twenties, early thirties doing it where he would be like, hold on, pause this.

You and I love bomb some girl for, you know, three to four months, move in with her usually to like this crazy manic, you know, clearly irrational, like move in, blah, blah, and then do something, discard, be like, fuck you. Then text me and say, Hey, let's go on a trip. So that was a cycle.

And then it happened for about five or six different relationships. So about a year and a half ago, we got another one, him and I were in this weird place where we were already kind of really just peak toxicity. Uh, and like the kind of, you know, whenever you're in those, those highs and lows relationships, like the highs keep you going.

Uh, but we were at a point where it was kind of mostly lows. So I was starting to kind of see through this, like the cloud now, because I was like, what the hell? And we even had a good weekend in a while. So I'm not like drunk on love, which is a point I also want to get to, but he, uh, got into a relationship, you know, story on Instagram, like him and I just had this physical, like pit in my stomach where I was like, I can't, I can't do this for another round for another one.

It was like a, this carousel of dread highs and lows, but like, it's just really just lows and these fake manufactured eyes. But it was really physical. I really just was like one day it made me so physically that I just like blocked everything, told people like, stop telling me shit.

I don't need to hear life updates about him. I can just, and then told him like, I can't do this anymore, which he, you know, obviously hated because guys like that want to keep every other finger in every pie. So he always wanted me at arm's reach, but he could go pursue other things, but always has me over here in case he wants to, you know, needs to call me on a bad day, you know, whatever, get some validation and emotional support from me or love and attention while getting it elsewhere.

My other point you had made me think of when you were telling your story before, I think that a big thing is also like lust is the most dangerous drug ever. And I had learned that when I lust after somebody, I will let them get away with anything. You know, they can treat me like in any other context of my life, a friendship, a business relationship, someone treating me like that, I would be like, fuck you.

I've never talked to you again in a heartbeat. But when you have this like lustful connection, you're drunk on love and you're blind and you will let people wipe their shoes on you, which I did. And my business partner who I mentioned before called me a doormat.

And I really stuck with me because I was like, damn, I don't want to be known as a doormat. So, that's embarrassing. It is embarrassing.

So, yeah, I got to this really bad, this point where I just physically couldn't take it anymore. And I opted out and I just then was like, I need to take care of myself. You'd be surprised like the physical transformation that happens after you start caring about yourself.

Like people were like, you look like your eyes and your skin, like everything starts to look healthier, your hair, like it's just like I look different. I get memories on my phone from peak stress times of this relationship. I get like the flashbacks and I look and I'm like, holy shit, that is a completely different person.

Even in the eyes, it's really in the eyes. Like I look tired and I was tired, worn down and beaten down. So, yeah, it does take a physical mental toll and I got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore.

Yeah. And again, so when he got back into this relationship for this last time for you, was that when you realized he couldn't escape kind of his closeted world? Yeah. I think you always keep hope.

You always, you know, and they give you hope where they say soon, you know, soon. And he used to always be like, just wait, just wait. I'm almost there.

And we got to points where we would be, we used to go on these trips together. And obviously, now that I look back, I'm like, oh, that's why we kept going away together because I have a secret. You know, like to me, it felt romantic, but really it's, I'm evidence that needs to be buried somewhere else.

So like we go on these trips far, far away when we know whatever see us out and he would be like, I'm ready. And we would talk through it. He'd be like, what does it look like? What do I do? What are we going to move in together? And we would talk, you know, future faking is what people call it.

You know, this narcissistic thing that people do to really manipulate somebody. And so I always kept hope. I was always like, and it's, you know, and I think a lot of people are like this, where you always try to see the best in people.

And you always like, you know, he does all this, but I know there's someone good in there. And I still too, to an extent, think there's a very just good person in there. But it's just like, he's just a broken, wounded boy from a broken home, you know, who would hide under the bed where mom and dad were screaming downstairs, but that's, you know, neither here nor there, because it doesn't excuse behavior.

But I kept this hope that he would come out and he would get there. And I, you know, I was like, just a little more time, a little more time. I said, I just have to suffer through one more cycle maybe.

And he would kind of allude to that. Like he said, let me get this out of my system, which I then learned was like, just a kind of a manipulation tool of just keeping me around and keeping me loyal and keeping me hooked. And he would even check in and, you know, he'd be dating someone and we wouldn't talk for five days.

And he texted me like, do you still love me? And which is sick. And, you know, but in the time that was like a high for me. My therapist, she like specializes in addiction counseling.

And when we used to talk about it, she would use the metaphor of this being a drug. She was like, you go through withdrawal and then you get a big hit. That's a basic, someone just shooting it right into your veins of, you know, do you love me? And then you ride that out for as long as possible.

Like, Ooh, he's thinking about me, loves me, even though he's with this person. But then you just, I think for that last one, he used to, he's like, you have to quit because it's going nowhere and there's no end in sight. And I kind of, then by that last one, yes, to answer your question, like I realized he's not going to change or grow because I kind of then started to look back at those three years and was like, he actually never changed her groove at all in any area through time and started to really see that.

And I don't know if he will, most people who know him in the context of this, put it on a, you know, on a betting sheet, the bet would be now that this cycle continues indefinitely until, you know, everyone's got to eventually hit a wall and look at themselves in a mirror, but it could happen now. It could happen 40 years, who knows. When you were just mentioning that, I was like, it does sound like you were addicted to a drug and you couldn't see it.

But then once you're on the other side, you see all the signs and, and you know, your friends may be telling you, but you're not going to believe them until you're on the other side of it. You know, it's, it sounds very much similar to people of my friends who have been on drugs and you're trying to get them to see like, you know, this isn't healthy. It's impacting your work.

It's impacting your relationship. And when a relationship that's supposed to be a partnership is doing that to you, that's definitely not healthy at all. No, not at all.

And I think the same with addiction, like people get hostile and defensive people who love you. It's always how that goes, right? You know, it's the person who loves the most is saying you're killing yourself. You're hurting yourself.

You're, you know, and you're like, fuck you. How dare you? And then you get defensive. I would defend him.

It's like the end of the earth and two people who would defend me to the end of the earth, but I'm treating them like hostile actors in it, which again, it's one of those things I look back on and I deeply, deeply the same as when people come into recovery from drugs, you know, they say, make amends and apologize. I did do that. I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. So formally, you know, I wasn't like I'm following a 12 step program, but I did feel like this need to address, you know, they had already forgiven me because they love me and I have great friends and family and I, which I'm so grateful for, but they'd already forgiven me. Everyone kind of already had known why I was acting as I was acting, but I had to apologize and, you know, be like, I, that was fucked up of me to, you know, lash out at you when you were just trying to truly help me.

All of their advice was correct and all of their insights and takes on it, all correct. I was wrong the entire time, which I now see and own.

Archie:
At least you can admit that now. And so talking about who you are now, how different is that to who you weren't allowed to be back then?

Wade:
Yeah, I think now, I think there's a huge difference between being, being confident and I forget what it is. It's synonymous with competence, but you could say ego, but like, I think back then I had this fake confidence where I had, I acted very confident and I was very like, everyone kind of thought I was this guy, like my partner said, you know, I always thought you were this big, confident guy. And then I watched you get treated like this.

That's not what confident people do. They don't let people treat them like this. So I was kind of putting on an act, but inside I was actually just insecure and weak and had zero self-confidence, total 99% insecurity, you know, for sure.

And I think now the biggest thing I noticed is like, I've actually achieved true self-confidence, not fully, no one's, you know, it's hard. I'm not going to be like, I can go be the president, but like, I do feel it in a different way. And I think it's because I, I think self-awareness, I think self-acceptance, I think those two go hand in hand, but I, I think it comes from that.

And I think back then when I had no self-acceptance or even awareness, even if you know you're gay, you still kind of don't have full awareness of it, of who you are, that I was acting from a place of like defensiveness, like you're a scared animal in a corner kind of, you know? And I think now I've really come into myself. And I think, like I said before, like that people wouldn't tell me what they noticed in the difference. I was at a wedding this past weekend, someone I was sitting next to who I've known for, for years at dinner, she, she was like, you look and seem really good, just like said it.

And she wasn't, she didn't mean like, you look, you know, look great. She just like, she didn't really know the full context. She knew there was like a bad breakup or something, you know, she, but I'm just healthier.

And I am more of a real person. I think I'm finally myself. I think I wasn't myself for a long time.

And even when I thought I was, when I came out, and I think that, yes, that was a big step, but I still was just lying. But even when I came out, I was lying. I was lying to myself.

I was lying to myself during that whole relationship. I was like, this is awesome. I found the love of my life.

This is great. And like, yes, there was a true connection. I can't deny that.

But I now obviously have the self-awareness and self-respect to be like, this is not, this is not what the romanticized version of soulmate is. Like during that whole time I was romanticizing and being like, this is my soulmate. As you said, I was thinking, oh, relationships are supposed to be hard.

Everyone goes through trials and tribulations and relationships. We get through it. It's the hard times, but really the writing was on the wall.

And I should have just, if I had the kind of self-awareness and self-confidence I have today, I would have immediately been like, this is not a loving relationship. This is not what those are. This is actually the complete opposite.

Archie:
This is like self-destruction. Just to wrap up this episode, what would you say to someone who's stuck in their own golden cage?

Wade:
I would say that you can't kid yourself that it's going to be easy to come out. And if anyone tells you that they're lying, but you can learn from other people's experiences.

We had talked about, you might not have a mentor in your real life, but you have access to hearing stories like this. And if I was able to tell you, I would say, save yourself from a lot of the pain and struggle and self-harm internally and sometimes externally. And just at least start the process of sitting alone and looking at yourself and thinking like, who am I? And like, what am I feeling? And where do I want my life to go? And almost like write it out.

And you don't have to take a first step immediately or leap all the way to coming out tomorrow. But the other thing I say is for the most part, you are wrong. I was wrong about my friends weren't going to like me.

My family was going to hate it. Everyone was going to hate it. I was going to be this pariah like, you're wrong about most of the stuff.

There's that saying that people suffer in their mind more than an imagination. And I think that's entirely true. And I think it's more applicable here than most places.

What I would say is you're wrong, and you should save yourself a lot of the struggles and start trying to look at yourself and develop some self-awareness here. Yeah, I think that's some great advice. And where could our listeners find you to hear more about you and your story? Yeah, so my Instagram is at George W. Belair.

But soon, I will be starting a page where I will compile the podcast that I'm going on, including this one here to be a resource. But for now, Instagram is the best place.

Archie:
Awesome. Thank you for getting in touch. It really means a lot. Your story is one that we haven't touched before.

And it was quite interesting when I got the email. I was like, this is a story I want to learn more about. It's different because you usually hear all these really hard, rough, overcoming battles with other people.

But you really had a battle within yourself in quite a privileged upbringing, which is not always heard of. But I'm sure there's someone out there who's listening who feels like my story is not good enough to say because I feel privileged. But every story is worth hearing.

And everybody goes through a journey, and everybody has to fight their own battles. And everybody has a voice that should be heard. So thank you so much for sharing your story.

I really do hope that you get that email that says, yes, you can go on and study. I really hope that all that comes true for you. But thank you so much.

I hope that all of our listeners enjoy this episode. And don't forget, you can check out all the Wade stuff. I'll put links into the show notes.

And it was different, but I could still relate. No matter what, you can always relate to other people. And yeah, so thank you so much.

I really enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing. And until next time, I hope that we have been

Wade:
perfectly queer.