Karla After Dark
Hi This Karla I Am A Hair Artist, I've been an artist for 20yrs and still loving it!!I Am a Mama of a 9yr old son. I Am a Small town Gal that loves her Chill town. I Am now currently enjoying this new adventure of connecting with Magikal souls that have resilient hearts; I will be sitting with Extraordinary Humans that have overcome their mental barriers and share about their journey and evolution of their Human Experience. My Personal Human Realization I always been a curious empathetic child that I've always been strongly connected with my Higher Power/ Higher Source at 23 I had my very first Spiritual Awakening the ever sense I've been drawn to Spirituality not Religion, SuperNatural, Near Death Experiences, Healing Methods & Tools, Shamanic Practices. However, it doesn't STOP THERE!! I will bring topics of Relationships, Partnerships, Parenting, Motherhood, Sexuality, Health, Unsolved Criminal Cases and of course I will discuss about Beauty. So, get your favorite drink sit breathe and RELAX in your cozy spot and join me KARLA AFTER DARK.
Karla After Dark
SHANE DAVID STREET - From Darkness to Spiritual Awakening
What if your childhood was filled with darkness, yet it became the very catalyst for your spiritual awakening? Shane David Street joins us to unravel his profound journey through adversity, beginning with his early years raised by a mother battling schizophrenia. Shane's story is one of resilience and transformation, exploring how these challenging experiences led him to a path of self-discovery and healing. Through candid reflections, Shane sheds light on the power of inner child healing, community support, and the courage needed to break free from past trauma.
Each chapter of Shane's life presents a tapestry of emotional and psychological complexities, from navigating the cycle of abuse to the solace found in friendships forged through shared trauma. His narrative provides a heart-wrenching look at systemic failures and the enduring scars of manipulation and fear. Yet, amid the chaos and pain, there are moments of courage that lead to pivotal revelations, as well as encounters that redefine family and community. Shane's experiences with spiritual awakening, shadow work, and the influence of powerful mentors showcase the potential for redemption and personal growth.
Amidst the trials, Shane's journey is a testament to the transformative power of facing one's deepest wounds. His path through relationships marked by narcissistic behavior, societal pressures, and the quest for self-worth reveal the profound impact of unhealed trauma on adult life. Through healing practices such as meditation and ayahuasca ceremonies, Shane finds solace and insight, ultimately fostering a journey towards personal rebirth and collective healing. This episode is a poignant reminder of the importance of vulnerability, self-awareness, and the unwavering support of community in overcoming life's greatest challenges.
Hi, my loves. This is your host, karla, bringing stories of life experiences and of powerful lessons, also sharing healing methods and topics of the natural and supernatural. Remember, you are the medicine. Tu eres la medicina, Karla After Dark. Tu eres la medicina, carla After Dark. Welcome to Carla After Dark.
Speaker 1:I want to thank you guys for following and supporting the podcast. I enjoy the fact that I get messages and how excited you guys are to look forward for the next episode. On this note, we bring spiritual experiences and spiritual beings having a human experience that come and share their stories of their life and how they were able to succeed on their healing path. And, as today in this interview, we will be talking about childhood trauma, survival, coping mechanisms, trauma bonds and toxic patterns, dark night of the soul, spiritual awakening and shadow work, inner child work of self-healing. This is an opportunity for all of us to learn and just do your own personal research. As for today, the opinions that express of abuse do not necessarily reflect or represent those of the host, which is me and my guests, and necessary to reflect. But as the views are merely opinions expressed Other terms of this Car Left to Dark podcast, it shouldn't be used in any legal capacity whatsoever. So, as we share stories and medicinal methods or healing tools, I always recommend to do your own research, and we're just here to share our own personal experience of our life and what we witnessed in our own life with people that place a role in our life, growing up and going through some traumatic experiences that we express. Our own reality and everybody's experience are valid and, in their own perspective, to share their own opinion regarding their experience and their own perspective to share their own opinion regarding their experience.
Speaker 1:For today, I want to disclaim a disclaimer for my guest. His name is Shane and I'm so excited to have him today and do you consent this disclaimer, shane? Of course, yes, thank you To continue with this interview and episode uh with shane. I'm excited as I'm introducing him right now. Um, we got to meet through mutual friends and um, our groups of self-healing circles of soul family, and we finally got to connect and share our own personal spiritual awakenings and self-healing methods, and I'm excited to have him today finally to share in this space in grass valley, beautiful place that my brother john, have to share for all of us and thank you, john. I want to thank you from carl after dark podcast for allowing us to be in this space and have it on this episode with shane um shane. So how you doing shane?
Speaker 2:I'm doing great.
Speaker 1:Another disclaimer it's about 95 degrees in here right now so if you guys see me fanning or hearing me, I'm dying, we're both dying um, so yeah, I'm doing great.
Speaker 2:Um, it's an honor to be on this podcast, uh, going back a few years, you know, just to see the excitement of of ray, who's, you know, my soul brother. I call him my primo um, just somebody that, that has really been such a instrumental person for the community and and as well as for myself personally, seeing his first interview and just watching that progression with him. And then also, you know, one of my spiritual mentors, one of my great dear friends and my favorite musician musician Maru Anziani.
Speaker 1:Yes, he's mine too.
Speaker 2:All three parts we were eagerly anticipating, so it's a bit surreal, you know, being here today with you to talk about you know my journey, my spiritual growth and you know all of the things that you mentioned, from childhood trauma, early beginnings, through. You know my recent dark night of the soul that I'm barely coming out of the other side of, and it's been quite an experience, quite a ride. I'm honored, I'm grateful for all of it and I'm excited to share.
Speaker 1:Yes, thank you, Shane, and so your full name is Shane David Street or Street.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so that's a big story, so we're going to get into that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So I was actually born, shane David Ekloff, on January 23rd 1978. And I was born to a single mother. In fact, on my birth certificate, under the father's name it said know, unknown or not disclosed. So you know, my earliest memories were of just just being with my mommy, you know being, being, you know her kid, and you know just the way that she loved me. She was an incredible loving mother. She spoiled, spoiled me, but I do remember those days pretty vividly and it's funny because what came after that, that love sort of prepared me for that journey into what basically amounts to survival. You know that no young child should have to go through that. No young child should have to go through. So she raised me until I was about three and a half years old, and with trauma it creates a memory, sort of a photographic memory, which has a duality, just like all things right.
Speaker 2:So I remember the good times, but I also remember the bad, absolutely. You know. Um. So my mother, which I found out later, um, developed schizophrenia at an early age and, uh, she did her best. She was a working mom, a single mom. Um, I had a half brother, actually, uh, at the time, and I think when I became about one and a half, it became too much for her to care for both of us.
Speaker 2:So she gave him up for adoption. I've never been able to find him, um which you know, a piece of me is out there somewhere, um, but you know she had the time and capacity to raise me. So, when it all shifted, I started remembering things. You know, there was a time when I was probably about, you know, three and a half, towards the end of her caring for me, that I woke up from a nap and you know, know, I, I, I was looking for my mom.
Speaker 2:It was, it was light when I went to sleep and then it was dark when I, when I woke up and I was screaming for my mom hey, mom, mom, mom, I'm up. And um, you know, I, I ended up going, you know, down the hall. It's dark, inside the apartment. I see a light at the end, which which was a bathroom, and I, um, I get to the bathroom and I see my mother and she's asleep on the toilet and, um, you know, I was screaming for her to wake up. Mommy, wake up, mommy, wake up, mommy, mommy, wake up. And I was, I was hitting her, I was slapping her and she wouldn't wake up. And you know it was, it was frightening.
Speaker 2:I was, I was scared to death and my, my early self my, my child self, you know, picked up the razor from the tub that she shaved her legs with and I and I I cut her arm, and that that finally woke her up and she looked with just absolute horror at what she had done to her baby. What I was able to figure out later is that my mother, because of her schizophrenia she would drink heavily, she would drink just to basically numb out the voices in her head. There were some other questionable memories One time with her and her boyfriend, um, you know, domestic violence. He ended up breaking her leg and I was there to watch that. And, you know, don't hurt my mommy, type stuff, yeah, um, but there was a lot of good memories.
Speaker 2:Like I said, there was a lot of love. She loved me so much. Um, she would take me to, you know, different places and, you know, buy me toys and spoil me, and we used to spend a lot of time at my grandfather's house, who was recently remarried at the time, so I had sort of a step grandma and I used to love going over there. They had a beautiful home in Redwood City. We would go to Marine World there was a.
Speaker 2:Marine World was in Redwood City at that time. It was in the early 80s and you know my when it all shifted, when it all changed. I used to go to daycare every day while my mom was working and then one day she just didn't come to pick me up and I remember staying the night with Eleanor was her name and you know it's okay, your mommy's coming tomorrow and instead of my mom showing up, uh, cps shows up they picked me up and they that that was my you know entry into the system the foster care system.
Speaker 2:Um, that was, you know, pretty traumatic, right, I just wanted my mom. I ended up going to a shelter at first, and then started a roller coaster of just one home after another, consecutively. Every month or so they would transfer me because I was traumatized.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course.
Speaker 2:So you know, as a young boy, I felt like if I would act wild, if I would, you know, throw tantrums, if I would, uh, you know, soil myself, yeah, that they would just send me back yeah, take you back to mama right, right.
Speaker 2:So you know, during that time, um, my grandfather, you know her dad and his new wife, you know they, they just allowed me sort of to go into the system. They were the only relatives that I knew of at the time and, um, you know their. Their explanation was you know we, we don't want to be parents. We want to be grandparents, which you know.
Speaker 2:It's nice for them to have a choice I didn't really have one unfortunately yes yeah, so um, eventually I I landed in this in home which to all outward appearances, seemed like you know the perfect family Right, big, beautiful two story house, new cars, you know vacation home in Tahoe. But behind those walls was a house of horrors. Behind those walls was a house of horrors, so you know it was extremely abusive. Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the father in that home wasn't just abusive towards me, but also his biological son and his wife, and everybody just lived in absolute fear, absolute fear and it could change at any moment. You know, one day he's happy, one day you know everything's good, the family's just, all you know, joyous and doing wonderful things. And then the guy would just snap and he would beat his wife, he would beat his kid and he would beat me. A few of these beatings, you know, nearly took my life.
Speaker 1:You know, I was a tiny kid how he will beat you Like was it like his bare hands or yeah, so it was.
Speaker 2:it was a combination of different things. He did a lot of things that were like disciplinary, where he would make me stand in a corner for hours and hours I mean you know countless hours, and it was. It was crazy because, you know, I went to Marine Corps bootcamp after I graduated high school and standing at the POA, the position of attention for hours and hours and hours.
Speaker 2:It was like I almost had training, for that it was. But now, you know, I'm a man and I could handle it, but, um, as this, as this young boy, you know, I just I had to survive, I had to hang on. He would, um say horrible things about my mother. You know, um, that she was a, you know, from another planet. She was an alien, she was loony. You know whatever he could say to to torture me and tell me that she's never coming to get me. Nobody's coming to get me, you're, you're yeah, psychological abuse right absolutely wow, I mean not just the physical.
Speaker 2:Well then, then came the physical. Um, you know, there was one time where I said something or I didn't do something and he hit me over the head with a high chair, the top of a high chair, and back in those days they were metal and it was just all sharp edges underneath, oh wow. So cut open the top of my head. That time I bled pretty severely. They never, you know, took me to the hospital or anything. That the wife was a nurse, so she would always stitch me up. Um, another time, um, you know we were, we were having dinner and uh, I wouldn't eat the fat on a steak and and he said, okay, well, you're not getting down until you eat it. All Right, typical from that time period.
Speaker 2:You don't get down from the table until you eat it all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but he he took it. He took it quite quite many steps further.
Speaker 2:Um, so I didn't uh, you know, eat the steak. I wouldn't eat the fat, I just wouldn't do it. And, uh, he made me stand in the corner, you know, for hours. Right, finally I get to go to bed. He said, okay, that's going to be waiting for you for breakfast. So I get down, everybody's having breakfast, scrambled eggs and toast, and, you know, pancakes or whatever and there's my piece of fat. And he says you eat that and you could have breakfast like everybody else. And now it was more of a battle of wills. I wasn't going to eat that under any circumstances, and I remember this distinctively. It was just, you know, I was planning my flag and the fact that I'm not going to eat this. Lunchtime rolls around. Everybody's having sandwiches. There's my piece of fat.
Speaker 2:And at this point he's realizing I'm not going to eat it under any circumstance. So he goes to the garage and he grabs a funnel that you used to pour motor oil in. He goes to the blender, grabs the piece of fat, puts it in the blender throws me on the countertop, shoves the funnel in my mouth, pours the fat through the funnel and I'm choking on this fat and he's shaking me like this, like swallow it, swallow it and I spit it.
Speaker 1:Was his wife there? She was there, yeah, and the son she was abused. She was abused.
Speaker 2:She wasn't going to step in and try to save me, and in fact this gets a little crazier so I spit it in his face and he, he said you know, you little fucker, or whatever it was, and he throws me across the room and I probably weighed, you know 40 pounds, right? So oh, my god, I flew across the room and I and I wake up in a pool of blood and um, the wife says you know, you should have just ate it.
Speaker 2:You should have just ate it oh my god, yeah so again, um stitches, stitches me up right, and so, like any abuser, they'll be abusive. And then they'll, they'll breadcrumb you, they'll give you some love, they'll spoil you, right?
Speaker 1:so so he will have those kind of patterns of like he will be nice and he will be I don't know caring, showing like he cared. And then all of a sudden, he would just turn dark on you Exactly so you're always looking for that nice, the approval, yeah, absolutely, you become you know people pleasing? Yes, you're just always and you're afraid. Right, because at this point you're in fear.
Speaker 2:Scared to death. Oh yes, you're just you're just always you're afraid right, because at this point you're in fear, scared to death, oh god, scared to death, and and I started having sort of I wouldn't you know visions, I guess you would say you know, I started seeing things at night because I would be up. I remember just vivid dreams as well, you know um, but I was always in a constant state of fear. Um, after that incident, uh, actually, he bought me like Castle Gray skull and all the he-men and no way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it took me to ice cream. What?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So, but the thing was, is is, I had, um, uh, a social worker coming in a few weeks, so the social worker basically, um, you know, would, would have a scheduled meeting every month or so, and he knew that if the social worker found out what had happened, he's done. For In fact, I actually found out that a child had died in his care previously. He had died of what was at that time called sudden infant death syndrome, but they didn't have the forensics that we do today.
Speaker 1:I know exactly how he died. I mean, there's so many possibilities, right?
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:This poor child I mean going through such a psychological traumatic abuse and emotional and who knows the little body I mean? Obviously we don't have the proof, but we I can't even imagine. I think that's possible. There's so many possibilities with that poor little guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's possible. There's so many possibilities with that poor little guy, yeah. So, um, after, after that ordeal, uh, I remember distinctly he.
Speaker 2:He got a papa smurf doll and so he said well, you know your social worker's coming and you know this is what you're going to tell him when he comes so he was training you, he was training me yeah, he's programming me and he's you know, it was something to the effect of I was playing outside with my brother and we were riding bikes and I fell and I hit my head right because, you know, at that time, you know, I had this, this crazy bullhead haircut. It is enough. Toe head white boy I mean I had the whitest hair and I had a big old chunk missing, right to where they had to like shave my head and she actually stitched me up, the wife the wife did I still have a scar on the back of my head from that, in fact.
Speaker 2:Um so, yeah, so I'm. I'm sitting down in front of this papa smurf doll for like every night for two weeks, practicing for an hour so that I can perfect okay, what are you gonna say when, when your social worker comes? You know, I was playing in the backyard and my brother pushed me. I fell down, I hit my head right he's perfect.
Speaker 2:As soon as that social worker stepped in the door, I said help me, help me, he's. He's hitting me, he's hurting me. Please help me, get me out of here. The social worker fucking left me there. No, yeah.
Speaker 1:For how long you stayed there it?
Speaker 2:was. It was at least a few days they were. They were trying to find reassignment and I think that he knew that the jig was up. So if anything happened to me at that point, you know he would be a prime suspect. So they just ignored me like the plague, you know, like they. Just I was free, like I was scared out of my mind. I thought at any.
Speaker 2:Moment he could kill me. I thought, at any moment you know I'm going to die and in fact, moment you know I'm gonna die, and in fact, um, you know, one night, the first night that all that happened, and I told, and they left me there, um was my first actual spiritual experience really yeah, you had like what a death experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, beautiful, like out-of-body experience beautiful, beautiful death.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, um, I was so scared, you know I I had more fear than I think a little boy, or even a grown man can handle. Yeah, I just remember just completely dissolving and leaving my body. I remember sacred geometry. I remember being just just taken by the universe and just told you know, by God, by source creation itself, that everything's going to be okay. I got you.
Speaker 1:Really, you know, not in those exact words, yeah, but you understand it more now that you're an adult and you have your own personal experiences, that you have, it goes deeper.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:At that age, how old were you again? It goes deeper. Yeah, yes, absolutely yeah. At that age, how old were you again? Remind me.
Speaker 2:So from the age of three and a half until I was about four and a half, four and three quarters closer to five, I went through about seven homes, and that was the seventh home.
Speaker 1:That was the last home.
Speaker 2:That was the one of the last last homes, one of the last homes, and then, yeah, so a few days later, the family that raised me, from the age of, you know, five until I was 18, and I graduated high school, ray and Ruth Summers picked me up and took me to Palmwood Drive in Eastside San as as their new son.
Speaker 1:wow yeah, yeah, I mean, I mean they did their best right at this, at this level of like trauma that you have oh boy they didn't know that you came with all that emotional trauma and psychological trauma and physical as well yeah, in fact, you know I I really put them through the ringer because I thought that you know they were going to do. They were going to do the same thing.
Speaker 2:They were going to discard me, just like everybody else had. And, um, you know I would. I would do little things, like you know. Still right, yeah, I think I think they had two biological, uh, daughters named, named debbie and judy. Um and uh, my mother, ruth, was actually a foster kid wow, you know so she was.
Speaker 2:She was, you know, paying it forward, returning the favor, and her, her actual uh, woman that raised her um. Esther was also a foster child, you know, uh, beautiful, yeah, she followed that, yeah, that path of helping kids that are in need of a home, a loving, safe home correct yeah, god bless, god bless them, you know through that process of being with them.
Speaker 1:But how did, how did you cope, oh?
Speaker 2:how did I cope yeah?
Speaker 1:because that's huge when you're in survival as a child. Um childhood trauma. It starts from the moment that, obviously, they removed you from your mom's home or from her arms, and at this point now you're going through several levels of trauma, sure, right, and so now you're learning how to cope.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that's a beautiful question, because you know now that I wasn't in danger for my life every single day, yeah, from abuse. Um, now I could finally, you know, breathe right and this little block, palmwood drive, it was magical at that time we're talking like 1983, 1984, um, every single family on the block knew each other wow, they were all very close.
Speaker 2:We used to play hide and seek at night. Just, you know, all the kids played together and that's when I met my best friend, my you know my soulmate my twin flame, you know Aw. Yeah, my dog from day one.
Speaker 1:Aw, it's okay. Allow yourself to feel all these emotions part of the podcast I'm gonna cry a lot, but they're mostly tears of joy. Yes, beautiful yes, um, because you're experiencing when we re-encounter timelines and go back.
Speaker 1:We feel it, we feel it again and our body remind, like it remembers right it does um at this level um you were coping so much right and obviously there was so much lack of things that you didn't know that you were lacking, even though you were given a home that was safe, you know shelter, uh, you were fed, you had clothes, but and and I also you know I I was able to have a stronger relationship with my mother again, and so I became the parent in that relationship.
Speaker 2:You know I knew that my mom was sick, but I loved her Like I always had that like worry about her.
Speaker 2:You know, like she didn't have to worry about me, I got me the universe got me, so I was told yeah, yeah but I I was like I was always concerned about, about is she okay, she's safe, and and she would show up, you know, for every you know two weeks on the dot for like a weekend visit and she would take me to the mall and we'd go out to eat, so they gave her permission. She had lost custody, yeah yeah, her disease got progressively worse over the years through the meds that you know they poisoned us with right, of course yeah, yeah, so you know, after a while then she would take the bus.
Speaker 2:I mean, she was committed, right?
Speaker 1:When she couldn't drive anymore.
Speaker 2:She would take the bus out to see me.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, and we would take the bus together and go to the mall.
Speaker 2:You know it was a beautiful, yeah, it was a beautiful relationship, um. So, yeah, getting back to Jaime, right, so he was, he was my, he was my next door neighbor. Yeah and um, the day I landed on the block, his mom Teresa tells him hey, they have a new son, go play with them. He's like new son, what's that like? Who has a new son, right? A baby.
Speaker 2:So he comes over and knocks on the door and tells my my parents, you know I heard you guys have a new son right a baby. So he comes over and knocks on the door and tells my my parents, you know, I heard you guys have a new son can. Can he play? And and you know we, we were just instant, you know, best friends since that point.
Speaker 2:He likes to tell a story where he he actually fought somebody for my friendship oh god yeah, he actually taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels oh, no way, yeah, and here we are, you know, 41 years later, you know, still going tough and and through this most recent episode, we pulled each other out of out of deep, dark shadows. And through this recent episode, you know he was, he was my lifeline when I, when I hit absolute rock bottom oh man, I mean it's so important to have good friendships and that obviously he's been there and you guys probably have some moments where you guys disconnected for a little bit yeah, yeah, there was times where you guys were not so close right absolutely.
Speaker 2:That's a funny story too. So, um, you know, his family uh ended up moving, you know, to the, to the more affluent part of the east side, evergreen about. You know, three, two or three years later, and I moved deeper into the east side and so we lost each other, probably for about, I would say, you know, six or seven years.
Speaker 2:Um, you know, in that time you can't keep in touch house phones and whatnot, and so, uh, it's a funny story. I I used to sleep in chemistry class my freshman year. I think it was chemistry or biology, but I was. I was sleeping in class. You know as being a troublemaker, and the teacher would send me to the office. So instead of sleeping in class, I would have to spend, you know, time in the principal's office to the office so instead of sleeping in class.
Speaker 2:I would have to spend, you know, time in the principal's office and jaime had just gotten kicked out of um, his previous high school for getting caught with marijuana. So he shows up into the, into the room and he's like hey, is your name shane? Do you have, you know, a sister named debbie and judy? And I'm like I'm looking at him. You know, that time it's like if somebody asks who you are, you know you're like, okay, what do they want them?
Speaker 3:you know, at that time it's like if somebody asks who you are, you know you're, you're like okay what do they want from me?
Speaker 2:But uh, but yeah, we've, we've been riding ever since, Um, you know, I mean, it was a skater and I was. I think I was a raver at the time. I went through so many different phases. I was, I was a tagger.
Speaker 1:I was you know, I was just you know yes, with him and we got into all kinds of trouble and had all kinds of fun and memories together throughout high school and after um, you look back at this time, how do you feel that your pre-teens and teen times, like, how do you feel like you were coping then? I really wasn't, you were just kind of like existing. Yeah, so.
Speaker 2:I'm going to rewind this a little bit. Okay. So you know there was bouts of childhood therapy. You know when I would get really bad, you know, and have, like you know, crazy meltdowns. You have episodes of anger, Episodes like that yeah, yeah, and it's funny because you know my parents, ray and Ruth, god bless them. You know my parents, ray and Ruth, god bless them. You know they were old school. My dad worked a lot. He didn't.
Speaker 2:He wasn't that kind of guy to say like you know I love you son or to really like spend extra time you know, getting to know me, or working with me, because you know he comes from the era of you. Put a roof over your head. You're doing your job. And you know he was always kind of stressed out from work and long hours being a provider, being a provider exactly, and there was always that sort of feeling. You know as a foster kid too, that you know I'm not your real kid. You don't love me like you love your kids right.
Speaker 1:So you have that in like in your back of your head thinking like he didn't love you.
Speaker 2:Right, didn't love you right because he didn't show that exactly where he was, just like I'm paying the bills yeah I'm tired, I'm mentally exhausted.
Speaker 1:And and their reality? They're probably stressed. You know, about financial things, or either their partnership, who knows right?
Speaker 2:their reality, oh, god and understanding his wounds, his childhood wounds. He had a whole other set of issues. Yes, you know, leading up to that and you know, when you get to a place where you feel like, okay, I'm like, I've landed, I'm secure here, I'm in, I'm in a marriage, I have a job to do, now you just go into, you know, focus, like, okay, here I am, I've arrived and now I got to get to work.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like that was a lot of influence, because obviously you weren't really necessarily raised by your biological dad, correct? No, and this is, yeah, this is a good so he was kind of like something that you kind of modeled a little bit, maybe like what it looks like to be a man, not really Like.
Speaker 2:I turned to the streets, you know. I found, I found my comfort in, you know, just just finding myself. You know, through, you know, my day to day interactions of survival.
Speaker 2:Because, once you stepped out those those doorsteps, san Jose at that time was was a fun place. There was a lot of hardworking middle class people on the east side of San Jose. But it also had an undercurrent. You know, in the early 80s you know late 80s, early 90s it was like the PCP capital of the world and I lived on the block where there were like seven houses that sold PCP. So on the first of the month, you know, all of the people would get their welfare checks or whatever their checks they would jump off bus 22,.
Speaker 2:Would get their their welfare checks or whatever their checks. They would jump off bus 22, walk into my hood and then walk out like zombies.
Speaker 1:I've seen the craziest shit happen on that, that substance, you know.
Speaker 2:So I was always scared of of drugs as a kid, like, and I was like I'll never touch it. I'll never do that, um, but yeah, it's uh quite, quite, quite a jog down memory lane.
Speaker 1:Did you get to experience? Oh yeah, go for it. I'm sorry so you brought up my father. Yes, your dad.
Speaker 2:So father wounds, you know we talk about father wounds. We talk about mother wounds, obviously, you know I had a very strong mother wound. I had a father wound, you know, not only with my foster dad, but I met my biological father. Very strong mother wound. I had a father wound, you know, not only with with my foster dad, but I met my biological father and the circumstances behind this are crazy, right, um, I had a social worker who was actually just dedicated to her job. Wow.
Speaker 2:The first one I had that actually took her job so seriously she she wanted to know who my father was and I told her I said I don't know, somehow, some way she was able to get the name out of she was able to out of my mother
Speaker 2:wow yeah, and my mother, you know, obviously had resentment because she raised me on her own. She never really wanted to give that information, yeah, so this woman had the ability to break through that and let her know that it was in my benefit that. I get to meet my father. Well, come to find out, my father was in prison. He was in San Quentin. This was his second term. He had served some time on a chain gang in Texas for manufacturing mescaline. Oh, wow, yeah, so he went from Vietnam right.
Speaker 2:He got out of Vietnam, saw some combat. His father before him was in World War II. Veterans and everybody down the street. Bloodline going back to the American Revolution served in some form of war and you served, yeah. I served, yeah, fortunately not in war, I have other things to heal from.
Speaker 2:I didn't want to stack that on top. You know member of of a prison gang and also you know a lifetime criminal. He had developed sort of a cushy uh spot in the hierarchy and he had you know his, his wing, where he was getting you know conjugal visits. He had his TV. My grandma was sending him care packages every month.
Speaker 1:He was living good. He had cartons of cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you?
Speaker 2:know his, his wife at the time, which you know she was sort of his, his ride or die you know, while he was locked up, she she would smuggle drugs during conjugal cigar tubes. I'll let you use your imagination for that.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, the things you do, right so so he he told her.
Speaker 2:He's like hey, you know, they're saying that I have a son.
Speaker 1:So he told her.
Speaker 2:he's like hey, you know, they're saying that I have a son. I'm not sure if it's legit or not, you know he got my information and basically found out where I went to elementary school. So she drove down from Marin County to sort of case my elementary school to get a glimpse of me, and I guess I was doing the crossing guard that day or something. So she had a clear view.
Speaker 2:You did crossing guard too, yeah yeah, she came up to me and even asked me a question just to get a really close look and maybe cross the street. I probably crossed her across the street and she goes back to my dad. She said that is 100%, unequivocally, no question, your son, I looked a lot like my father. In fact, I posted pictures of my grandfather. We're like twins, it's pretty wild. So yeah. So as soon as he found out or got that confirmation from his wife, he said to my social worker hey, this is my mom's number, my grandmother, jane Blackman.
Speaker 2:Oof hold on my spirit guide. Okay. So, yeah, hold on my spirit guide. So I got to meet my grandmother, which was freaking amazing. It was the most God. It was so amazing because I felt that love that familial love that I never got to experience as a kid and I was the only son of an only son. She didn't know she had a grandson. Imagine she's 70 years old and she finds out that she has a grandson for the first time just like I found out I was having a grandmother and we, we were just like this and she spoiled the shit out of me.
Speaker 2:Um, this was as I was going into junior high, right. So sixth, seventh, eighth grade, and now, all of a sudden, I went from you know wearing you know Reeboks and XJ900s to now I have the newest Nikes. I was fitted up guest jeans, guest overalls, all Raiders parka, looking fly.
Speaker 2:I think I got best dressed in eighth grade. Thank you, grandma Jane, I love you, um so so. So now, um, it comes time where, where my father, um, is going to be getting released soon and you know with me, you know being being, you know from these, these different neighborhoods and streets, I, I just was like fuck him, I don't, I don't want to meet him, I don't, I don't want to know him.
Speaker 2:He's a loser, he's a criminal right and my grandmother told me. She said, well, that's, that's my son and and you're his son, whether you know, we don't get to, we don't get to choose our parents, and you know, I'm just hoping you could give him a chance, because I don't see how you and I could have a relationship, if you can't have a relationship with your father. And I was like you know, what do you say to that?
Speaker 2:yeah so, um, you know, the day he got out, I'll never forget it. You know he gives me a, gives me a hug, and he says I love you, son. I never heard that from a father before.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah that's so healing yeah, yeah, and we, we developed just a very, very strong bond, um, over the course of, you know, probably the next 15 years and all my daughters. He, you know, he had his issues. He. He had troubles after he got out with, uh, with alcoholism and he was a heroin addict, um, so you know he would, he would try to get it get off with methadone and whatnot, but he would always kind of fall back, so finding the harsh truths of that. But he still managed to take really good care of my grandmother and it was funny because she ended up getting bed sores. She was about 87 years old and he couldn't care for her. He was really diseased, he he couldn't care for her.
Speaker 2:He was, you know, really diseased, his, he had cirrhosis, really bad, and you know she, she wasn't really watched over or cared for. And you have to pay really close attention to the elderly. You gotta, you gotta, they gotta have daily representation and they gotta, they gotta have somebody there at all times, especially when they're developing dementia. Yes absolutely, and he couldn't provide that level of care. So when she got admitted to the hospital, it was funny. Almost immediately the creator said okay, your job here is done.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:And my father had a horrible accident on Christmas Day 2007. It was my daughter's first Christmas and by the time I got to the hospital he was on life support and it was. It was crazy because just two weeks prior, when my grandmother got admitted, he told me hey, son, if, if I ever end up on a, on a breathing apparatus or they're keeping me alive artificially, I want you to to let me go, release me. And so boom. Two weeks later, I was in the room with my dad Christmas night my daughter's first Christmas. It was supposed to be a joyous affair and I'm transitioning him, not having the spiritual knowledge or the understanding of how big of an important job that is.
Speaker 2:I'm the only person in the room and you know there's Christmas carols playing in the background. Have a holly jolly.
Speaker 2:Christmas. It wasn't an ideal setting, but it was an honor to do that and yeah, that was my dad. Yeah, rough life, good man, dad. Yeah, rough, rough life, good man. Um, you know. So a big part of me changing my last name to my ancestral name now at the age of 46 is is to heal him, to heal his dad, to heal every you know man and woman behind that right healing at the lineage right healing the lineage and, you know, in light of of recent events that have affected my life greatly, you know, come to find out that.
Speaker 2:You know I've never had an attachment to the name that I was given at birth. That wasn't even my mother's maiden name. That was a name from a previous marriage that she had, so it's not even no. So I always hated it. I always never felt that connection to it. Everybody would ask me like oh, where's that from? And I knew where it. I always never felt that connection to it. Everybody would ask me like, oh, where's that from? And I knew where it was from and I knew what it meant but, it wasn't mine.
Speaker 2:Yes. You know, and now I feel like it just in light of some of the things that I've told you. I feel like it carried sort of a curse with it. So I'm excited to you know, go through this process and start this new chapter in my life with my ancestral last name, beautiful, reminiscing a little bit of how your dad was Like.
Speaker 1:So you guys had a really good connection at the end.
Speaker 2:We did, we did. Yeah, you know we would go to movies together. You know he, he knew that I was advanced as far as my knowledge of most things, legal and illegal. So you know we never, he never acted like you know a traditional father figure we were. He would always speak real to me, in very real terms.
Speaker 2:He gave me, you know, complete history of of of his life, which I'm glad to have and, you know, to know what he came from, just how he kept it real, you know. But we really enjoyed each other. I highly respected him. In fact. You know, when he was sick and he was walking around on a cane when my grandmother first got admitted, we were sitting in the waiting room, you know, and there was a black gentleman, you know, og.
Speaker 2:You could just tell, right, he'd been to prison, right, and he was calling my dad OG After my dad had passed away. He's like oh, you know where's OG at, he's always checking on your grandma. I said, oh, it was my father, he passed away. He's like, no, no man, it was just beautiful, you know, like like that.
Speaker 1:My father was seen that way in his most frail state, just the way that he carried himself as a man. Absolutely, yeah, wow, thank you for sharing that and I mean you feeling um that you're healing a lot of the father wounds still absolutely I mean, even though this is one of the father wounds still, Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean, even though this is one of the things I would say even though we have healthy relationships at some point with our parents, but there's timelines where we needed them the most and they weren't able to give us what we needed in those timelines of our childhood and our preteens. So one of the things that you're healing right now, in this present time especially, you mentioned your father. Yeah, on the father wound, what has showed up?
Speaker 2:yeah, so a lot of things actually. It's, it's, it's been really beautiful. You know like um been doing a lot of of, you know, inner child work. Um, I think that was a big thing. That you and I started talking about was shadow work and inner child work. You know, working in these shadows, working in finding these parts, these unhealed parts of ourselves and really exploring that and going back to that timeline when you felt a certain way right. Absolutely, because when you relive these memories. It triggers something in your CNS, In your nervous system.
Speaker 3:yes, and you relive these memories, it triggers something in your, your your nervous system yeah, and and you could actually feel that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you feel like you're reliving it again.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. You know, a lot of times when I would, I would be an open book and I would share my traumas, I wasn't healing it. Yeah, I wasn't actually healing that. I was more reliving it and further, you know, traumatizing myself by not having the tools and the awareness and the awareness to do it.
Speaker 2:So, as far as as a father, like, like you know, I was my own father and you know, like I said in the beginning, like I turned to the streets and I was, I was just looking for protection, I guess, and to belong streets, and I was.
Speaker 1:I was just looking for protection, I guess, and to belong acceptance.
Speaker 2:So I would look for the the toughest dudes in the neighborhoods and become their friends, right? Yeah, and I wasn't a threat, I was. I was a skinny little white kid, right? So? So they they felt almost like compelled to yeah, they wanted me that sort of protection. Yeah, and one of these brothers, um, my good friend and brother for life, uh, paul bocanegra you know he he kind of took me under his wing and he was, he was.
Speaker 2:He was just the downest, craziest dude like he was, respected, feared, hated um all of that. And uh, you know we would. I would just roll with him everywhere and just commit crimes and get in fights and do all kinds of crazy stuff. And. I actually ended up getting jumped into a gang when I was, when I was 13. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know it's crazy, Right, Because he was like. He was like hey, if you want to hang out with the, with the, with the, with the set, you know, then then you're going to have to be a part of this, the only white guy in the middle. Yeah, and it was more of a tagging crew. Gotcha, it was very criminally minded and we did a lot of dirty work.
Speaker 1:How old were you then?
Speaker 2:I was 12, 13. Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So he ended up graduating into a more advanced sort of gang gang, into, like a more advanced sort of gang gang, and, um, he ended up, uh, getting in in some trouble and, and you know, was involved in in something where you know, they basically railroaded him you know, he was in a car and you know somebody ended up dying he he wasn't the actual person um that pulled the trigger, but you know he ended up catching a life sentence at 17 years old.
Speaker 1:And you guys lost connection during that process.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, absolutely, he was gone. He was. A life sentence means you're never getting out, you know, and it's funny because I would follow or look for him or try to find him like stay connected, stay connected with him somehow, some way, but we were connected energetically because I thought about him.
Speaker 2:And I always kind of sent him love, always wondering hopefully he's safe and he's doing well. But it turns out this documentary randomly comes up when I Google his name one time and I got to see that he was alive. But I could see that he was in a really difficult place. He was in the shoe at Pelican Bay solitary confinement. He served 13 years without seeing a tree and here we are surrounded by all these, these beautiful trees and this nature.
Speaker 2:So just you know the way that the universe works. I was just like God. Please, just you know if I could just just go and visit him, write him a letter. So I started preparing to write him a letter and just figure out how this is all going to go down. So I started preparing to write him a letter and just figure out how this is all going to go down and he gets released.
Speaker 2:Wow, he gets released. And I was just like, oh my God, this is a miracle, you know. So I reached out to him immediately through a mutual friend, and we've been like this ever since, just picked up right before we left off.
Speaker 2:And he's changing the system on its head. He just ran for county commissioner in a close, tight race. He's looking to really flip the way that the prison pipeline for young offenders and kids that are of meager resources know, and how they're railroaded in the system and foster kids you know that's a big cost for me personally. That's my dream is to eventually, you know, start a healing retreat or, you know, to do something in the benefit of foster kids to help them with their healing, sooner than when I started, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Which later in life right Correct. You get caught in a lot of webs of more trauma. Yes, so I mean it's beautiful for sharing your friendship, your friend, and just the fact that, even though he's dark night of his soul, he got to experience that, but also now he's, I mean Thriving, absolutely thriving, he got to experience that, but also now he's I mean thriving, absolutely thriving.
Speaker 2:He was actually one of the first people that I, that I um, invited to the medicine and he and he accepted willingly wow, so going back absolutely, you know yeah so going back on that, I mean he uh, how long ago.
Speaker 1:This is like the big changes that you both I mean reconnected yeah correct and then he invited you yeah, I was the.
Speaker 2:I was the best man to his wedding. No, he didn't invite me. I invited him to the medicine, yeah, oh, wow and then he, he actually, uh, you know, gave me the honor of being the best man in his wedding, which was, yeah, it was beautiful, um, so that's, that's that track, right yeah like I.
Speaker 2:I was like okay, I gotta change my life because I don't want to end up in the system like my father or like my brother. You know, true. And so what I really started doing about the age of sixth grade, I got involved in the sport of wrestling, and originally I did that so I could learn how to be a better fighter. Because at that time by sixth grade I'd already been in, you know, countless, countless fights and.
Speaker 2:I wanted to have an edge over uh any sort of rival right in a one-on-one, and so I started. I started wrestling. That's where I got my father figures. That's where I got my mentors. That's where I got my idols. That's where I got the best friends. That yeah. I mean, to this day, you're still friends with still friends. Yeah, yeah, shout out, you know Mario Solario, gabriel Jason Palomino, ernie Chad Reese oh gosh, the list goes on and on. Anybody I forgot, please forgive me.
Speaker 1:I love you guys. I mean yeah, I mean of course the acknowledgement is so. And then you guys do Dion Garza. There you go.
Speaker 3:I knew I forgot one. Your eyes basket. Yeah, it's just, I mean it keeps going.
Speaker 1:So many Right, so many, and I mean your brothers, I mean those are the most. Yes, I mean yes.
Speaker 2:And now we're in this medicine life together. You know a few of them and and it's just like that transition um from from kids, not knowing what you're doing, understanding the different paths and roads that you could take and where it leads you and where you can end up and developing.
Speaker 2:You know a certain skill set, but also a certain camaraderie building discipline, building a work ethic, knowing that the harder that you work, the the better you're gonna. You're gonna be knowing that there's always somebody out there working harder that you work, the the better you're gonna. You're gonna be knowing that there's always somebody out there working harder than you.
Speaker 1:You know, knowing that, that life isn't easy you know, yeah, it's learning how to navigate life right so challenging and so many levels it is but then it's more challenging when you don't have tools or healing methods, when you're going through those challenges right absolutely so through all of this there was never any sort of help.
Speaker 2:There was never any really assistance. You know, I had to find that on my own, which which was just basically avoidance. You know, just I just needed to survive. Still right, be a badass where I could be and still coping right and still coping, still still getting into shit, still getting into fights, still, you know, having a, a hair trigger, temper, a defense mechanism that if I felt threatened that I would, you know, I would strike first.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's what ego is there for correct when it was created, when we go through trauma in our childhood. So ego is kind of formed there and it's there to protect you and that's subconscious level. So, and that's the part where it gets a little tricky, because then we're just triggered by anything or anything that we feel that we're going to be in that survival or being in such a defense that we will act sometimes out of character.
Speaker 2:Always. That's you know, and it's not like if you don't need that character, but it's the fact that it's our coping mechanisms showing up to protect ourselves yeah, it's, it's the, the angry teenager. And absolutely. You know that that that kid, you know, saw violence. He was violent, he had a very sharp tongue. You know, if, if anybody you know, threatened him verbally or or in a physical manner.
Speaker 2:You know he was going to strike back harder, um, and you know, do whatever he could do to protect himself. And he's protecting the little one, right, the one that was, oh, absolutely the teenager.
Speaker 1:So many parts and our grown-up body is protecting the younger self that's right so when you don't have that awareness, um, we're just thinking, it's normal, that's who we are that's part of me, it's who I am, and not knowing that's actually just our younger self that we're emotionally stuck there right on some levels, when we are in situations that remind us from our timelines and in our childhood.
Speaker 2:We're in danger. What do you do when you're in danger?
Speaker 1:exactly react yes you react and this can relate and it goes in such a broad aspect. So, like it goes into relations, it goes into our relationship with ourselves first and foremost, and the moment we disconnect from ourselves, we will not know how to handle external relationships. So the moment you learned to reconnect with yourself, divine source, you, now you have that healthy relationship that you're learning again how to love yourself and be in that awareness and that you are safe and you don't, you don't have to react.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, um but when you're not and you don't have to react.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, but when you don't have awareness around it, you can act out of character. And then what does that do? It stacks guilt shame on top. So you're just perpetuating a cycle.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:You dig yourself deeper and deeper into that pit yeah.
Speaker 1:and of course, if we don't heal from those fragments of ourselves, then we will repeat those patterns.
Speaker 2:Correct.
Speaker 1:With different people and different timelines. Absolutely, absolutely so. Okay, so you graduated from high school.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I graduated from high school in 1996. Yeah, yeah, I graduated from high school in 1996. And, um, my foster parents, ray and Ruth, were going to retire and they were, they were packing up and and heading to Utah and so again, you know, at 18 I'm on my own, no safety net. I'm like what the heck am I gonna do? And so I decided that, you know, my only choice was was to join the Marine Corps. I had been sleeping in class, so I didn't have any colleges lining up to take me.
Speaker 2:So I joined the Marine Corps and all the training that I had in wrestling, all of the discipline that I had, all the toughness, Boot camp was a cakewalk. The Marines was great because I got to learn, you know, more self-dependence, um you know strong work ethic and um you know they, they had the gi bill, so I was able to uh start um really accelerating my college yeah, so wow.
Speaker 1:So from there um marines, how, how do you feel about, I mean, being in childhood trauma? Do you feel it helped, or actually helped, to traumatize you more um?
Speaker 2:I think pros and cons, yeah, yeah, I think it helped to cope more right because I didn't know. I didn't know that I was traumatized, that's and that's the thing, right.
Speaker 1:I didn't know I was, as you look back now, that I know about trauma, right? Yeah, like, and I've been doing this work for a while like oh, shoot like this is okay.
Speaker 2:Wow, so yeah, I um, you know, worked um a full-time job during the day I was. I was in the gym um at night. I was, uh, you know, I was in the Marine. At night I was, you know, I was in the Marine Corps, but I was a reservist, so I had, you know, weekend duties and two weeks a month and just just really living life on my own you know, in the beginning it was, it was difficult because you know, I uh didn't have, you know, a lot of stability Right, and I think that just kind of goes back into my childhood.
Speaker 2:Um, eventually, um, you know, I, I I started to uh get to a place where I just I wanted to get out of San Jose. You know, I felt like I was sort of trapped there and I just wanted to kind of explore and see the world. I was, I was in a relationship at the time, first sort of love I guess and you know we broke up and it was like a perfect time to go to school in San Diego.
Speaker 2:So I lived down there for a few years. So I was. I was still in the Marines down there for a few years. So I was still in the Marines. I went to junior college out there for about a year and then I was able to transfer to San Diego State and it was sort of a dream come true, like here I am putting myself through college.
Speaker 2:It was a goal that I always set myself. But you know, in that time frame there's still that shadow, there's still, you know, things that are unhealed, creating problems in my life and taking, you know, big risks that I shouldn't have been taking. You know, as a Marine and in college, you know I was going out getting drunk every weekend. You know doing drugs and I actually got involved with some very, you know, dangerous activities. You know got involved with some narcotics trafficking. I was using crystal meth at the time.
Speaker 2:You know I was having, you know just unprotected sex with you know just random women at all times just trying to feed that need to feel yeah, because you're so disconnected with yourself so disconnected, but at the same time it's like no, no, we're, we're, we're protecting ourselves.
Speaker 2:We have to continue this, this, this life. You know, like you're, you've made it or you're making it, but there was always that pull of the shadow, absolutely, and especially with the narcotics trafficking. It was like that's recreating that unhealed father wound and I was walking in those steps and those shadows and you know, it could have just completely thrown my life off course, but I always had, you know, divine protection, thank God, and I was always able to just stay ahead of destroying my life.
Speaker 1:Do you recall how you got basically connected or got interested in being in that world, because that's a different world. Yeah, yeah Than most you know normal people.
Speaker 2:I can't really say a whole lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and of course yeah I would say.
Speaker 2:some very close friends from San Jose introduced me to their family and you know it was, they were, they were wonderful people, you know people think that you know, just because people are involved in certain things, that you know they're, they're, they're bad people, but they're not.
Speaker 1:No, they are normal, like you know. Working class, you could say, but they're choosing to.
Speaker 2:They're a product of their circumstances, just like everybody else, right um? You know people that go to to prison aren't bad people. Kids that you know grow up in foster care and end up in the system. You know that's. That's what they're programmed towards.
Speaker 1:If you're, if your family members are drug dealers, there's a good high potential that you're going to be 100 agree somehow I was attracted to that lifestyle because of my history, when I and it's all subconscious right subconscious so even though as much you probably avoided it for a while and then somehow it will come back and you took the yeah, yeah, so um about three years into that, that duality, that that lifestyle of doing good and doing bad at the same time.
Speaker 2:Um, I get a phone call you know it was that that girlfriend that I had found my number. This was during house phones, right. And you know, when I picked up the phone and she's like do you know who this is? And I called her another girl's name, she hung up, she called back, she's like, okay, it's me. And you know, we, we reconnected and I was like, oh my God, I can't believe this is, you know, happening. I was so excited and we, we refreshed, we picked up where we, we, we left off and she ended up moving to San Diego. Um, we had, uh, you know, a good time out there. And you know, when I decided, after finishing college, I was going to move back and move forward with this, you, I was really serious about her.
Speaker 2:So I got out of that, that lifestyle that I was I was mentioning before, yeah, so that I could pursue, um, you know, a career, a future, buy a house, buy a ring, do all that, that good stuff right, yeah, and uh, getting committed and serious yeah yeah, but not understanding, like, okay, what is it about this person that you're attracted to?
Speaker 1:is it?
Speaker 2:because they abandoned you and they came back and you're like, oh my god, you know I am worthy. Yes, I'm chosen I am chosen after all, I am lovable, right and it's self-programming right exactly um, so you know that that lasted about a year after I moved back to the bay area and I had this crazy nightmare, this dream that that, like there was like a war that happened, we were at a carnival or something. This war breaks out and I'm trying to save her.
Speaker 2:And she looks at me and she's running holding hands with another guy.
Speaker 1:So I'm like, I'm like wait, what is this?
Speaker 2:You know, I started really understanding, like intuition at that point, because then I wasn't suspecting anything. But then I was able to find out that she was actually seeing somebody else cheating. So I moved up, packed out. That day ended up going. Jaime picked me up and took me to his house and you know that started a whole new whirlwind right, like a whole new level of chaos. Yeah, yeah so. So here I am you're heartbroken.
Speaker 2:Another wound right, stacking, stacking, stacking, not healing, not healing. And then going into the party scene, the club life. Um, jaime's family at the time owned a bar. Um, they owned a restaurant. Uh, you know the blue monkey chachos, and we were just in the scene every single night and you know just just getting wasted. You know looking for women doing drugs, you know that whole scene Right, absolutely Just lost. Just lost, just hurting.
Speaker 2:And then and then and then I meet my daughter's mother, and then I meet my daughter's mother. Now she was somebody that I had known pretty much my entire life. Like we were like sixth-grade classmates. I had a little cute crush on her, but then, you know, she grew up a little faster and ended up getting pregnant in high school by an older guy and she had a kid. So that was like never gonna happen. I was friends with her brothers and I would hang out the house, but it wasn't like I didn't see her that way.
Speaker 2:Anyways, yeah, get into the, the fast forward, whatever it was. You know, 10, 10 years or so, um, here she is at this club and she's, she likes me and I'm like, oh my god, this is crazy and that was the beginning of just a completely crazy whirlwind relationship. You know, unhealed trauma attracts unhealed trauma. If you do not find a way to understand that, you know you attract. Where you're at, you bring in energies and you are attracted subconsciously and these people are subconsciously attracted to you, you basically set the tone for the rest of your life. A hundred percent, you know, and it's been my experience.
Speaker 2:Repetitivelyly yes, that there there. There was a pattern there that I didn't see. I didn't have eyes on um and you know it's, it's. It's cost me a lot. I've learned a lot from it, you know, grateful for all of it and I'm glad that you know I I'm at this point now in my life where I can do something about it.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and I can provide this help to others Absolutely who might have blind spots.
Speaker 1:Yes. So, the most beautiful part of it is that you're aware. Right.
Speaker 1:And you're conscious about it. When we're not in a conscious level, we are functioning in, like I've heard so many correct me if I'm wrong people, you guys are allowed to do that, but, um, the studies say about 95 percent where are in the subconscious. So we're not even conscious half of the time we're reacting our, our patterns, our programmings in our behaviors. We think it's just who we are and those are like the hard drives, right? So the hard drive is the subconscious. That's all the memories, all the patterns that we've created through our coping mechanisms and ego is protecting us through that process. And when we're not ready for relationships, we avoid intimacy. We avoid many things to actually commit ourselves to another person externally and and my belief is in my own personal experience, shane is because I'm also afraid of my intimacy with myself, because I'm disconnected, um, because I actually don't even know myself if that makes sense. So, through this process of our healing, you're learning and unlearning, yeah, and you have more and more awareness. Um, this is not an overnight magical pill. This is practice, this is awareness that you're taking layers and as things show up and flare up and they resurface, um, experiences, experiences that show up and that's like the beautiful part of what, how our divine um shows us that um, every time is an opportunity to do it differently and rewrite the story and not act upon the patterns of the subconscious that we are programmed. And so, with you, it's so beautiful to see the awareness, but also for you to recognize and you take ownership, which is a big thing when you're awakening and you're healing of yourself, that you take ownership. And not everybody is the evil person in the picture and the experiences that we go through. They are the villains, and we are villains in many stories for other people. But when we are in the experience of someone has hurt us, um, that's the subconscious, right? So the subconscious is like oh, how dare you. So I'm re-experiencing this again.
Speaker 1:But with your awareness, you're like whoa, wait, this is an experience I've gone through before. And so now you pause and observe like where, where, why is this occurring again? Or why is it happening again? So what does it comes to this? So it comes to like I have to go inward, I have to do my homework. I have to go inward, I have to do my homework, I have to go into my hard drive, I have to go into my inner self and sometimes there's blockages. We sometimes I cannot see that, sometimes we can't see what it is that's creating this experience to repeat over again in this present time or in the timeline that you're living. And, with that being said, you experience relationships that are repetitively repeated, and that's because it comes back to our relations with our parents and they started from the beginning of your beginnings and then from there in the subconscious, you move forward, acting upon those experiences, unconsciously.
Speaker 1:So now that you're so aware, but to kind of like pin that in, so you meet the daughter, I mean, you meet your mom, the mom of your daughter and then what happens from there, knowing that this person, obviously it was not to commit, or in that younger self, shane obviously was also being challenged with you know, you know your inner world conflict yeah, so I I realized you know I had a high level of empathy, right like, um, I would accept things that you know because I wanted somebody to understand that I'm not going to leave them because they have emotional issues.
Speaker 2:Right. In this case, and you know, you get trapped in what I know, I now know, is a trauma bond Right, where you feel obligated or you feel like you want this person to love you. You know, and this, this goes a whole lot deeper than everything else right, like a lot of my my, my wounds from childhood um tied directly into sexuality, you know. So if, if I had a connection with somebody sexually, then that means that they love me, right, like forget about all the other things involved.
Speaker 2:Forget about all the other important stuff like communication and you know uh respect and certain things right and yeah, and also that that that was like. Oh well, it's passionate you know that that has to be love, right? Yeah, um, you know, going back to my, my mother and my father, um, the story is it goes two ways. Right, there was my father's version, my mother's version. My father's version is he met her in a liquor aisle of a supermarket and they went and had sex and I was a product of a one night stand.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, my mother's version is that they were dating. I mean, she did have enough information to find him later in life, so you know it could go either way but, you know just the, the, the act of sex.
Speaker 2:Right, it's a sacred act and when you, when you choose to, you know, have just sexual relations, just to have them, or you choose to put that at the forefront of the importance of a relationship, it's going to fail every single time. So that one failed pretty miserably and I was again scared, and not only because I was for myself my sanity, my freedom right.
Speaker 2:But also for my daughter, like I didn't want her to ever have to witness that level of toxicity, um, and so I wanted to protect her. So, um, I left that relationship and I really had nowhere to go. I was living in sacramento, um, my job would move up there.
Speaker 2:There was a big, you know, mortgage crisis and economy failure and my job was moving to sac, and so I was like, if I want to have a job, I'm a father, I need to stay with this job, which I ended up working at for about 10 years. A really good friend, lucian, owned the company and you know I was sharing time between Sacramento and San Jose, so when I would have weekend visitations with my daughter in San Jose, I was staying with some other family members. I call them family. They're like family to me. The Arajos, yolanda and John, were gracious enough to open up their house and she was like a grandmother.
Speaker 2:You know it's like her first grandbaby. It was so nice and we would always just, you know, have a wonderful time on the weekends with my baby. But there was always that thing like okay, what am I going to do you? Know I'm about to go into something. There's a high conflict. You know we weren't seeing that eye on anything. And then you know I meet my former partner, my ex-wife, who's now my ex and I. From the beginning, like you know, I was again just not dealing with my trauma.
Speaker 2:I'm getting out of this very highly toxic relationship and all of a sudden, you know, a few months later, this seemingly you know perfect sort of woman appears in my life and is showing a very high interest in me and I couldn't quite understand why. You know it was like why would you want to be with somebody? She was warned that I was going through this toxic breakup. She was warned that, you know, I had been promiscuous and she knew, like five different women, that I had slept with during my party phases right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you know, my intuition was telling me, like you know, why does this woman want to be with you? Um, and so I kept my distance. I I tried not to jump into something again because I was learning that I was not too good at choosing partners right, she almost seemed too good to be true.
Speaker 2:So you know in my head, you know maybe I'm self-sabotaging, maybe you know I don't feel like I'm worthy of a good partner and I was a single dad at the time and she was a single mom, she was a widow actually. You know as the story goes or how she told it. You know her um ex-husband had a lot of emotional issues so he turned to alcohol and um promiscuity uh, he was according to her story again.
Speaker 2:Um, you know he had a lot of infidelity and you know I I felt like, wow, you know I was. I was scared to to be left or cheated on. I'd been cheated on in that previous relationship. So I was like, OK, at least I won't be cheated on.
Speaker 2:You know, she's a great mom, Her kids in private school, you know, going through this hardship of being a widow and I'm a single dad. So she showed a really major interest in my daughter and you know, at that time I was about to enter into a major custody battle with my ex right. So it was like she just fell out of the sky, Like what a blessing. You know this person. So after about a year of not even calling her my girlfriend, I committed to being in a relationship I proposed in January of 2011. We bought a house in February of 2011,. So things just moved fast, really fast, after that and then we got married in September of 2011. The first three years of that marriage were just wrought with high conflict, custody battle. That's how we started, you know, and it was great because you know she knew how to play everything Like it's almost as if she could predict my exes.
Speaker 2:Every single move like she had seen this before. Um, you know, come to find out why later. But um, you know, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have got custody. Now, here we are, living in this beautiful home, putting our daughters in the best schools. You know, it just seemed like like life was starting to finally slow down yeah, slow down and look good for you, right? Yeah, absolutely yeah, so you know that's.
Speaker 1:That's all on the surface, right that surface level, you were the dream of the ego yeah yeah yeah because that's what you obviously you felt like finally I arrived, finally I have my home, I have a beautiful, perfect wife, and then it's just careers, are you know, blooming and good jobs, and it's like the American dream, like this programming is ridiculous, right yeah but this is the same programming that many people around the world that think that this is the way to go when a lot of wounds are still there.
Speaker 2:Yes, Right, yeah, yeah. So this is a good lead in into sort of my spiritual journey, right, like as things started settling in in my life, it just seemed like things were falling into place and now I could start to explore my healing right. I'm not understanding how deep those layers went right, but figuring I'm in a safe space to start exploring this which is where this, I guess I always say this is sort of the beginning of my thought process in figuring the difference between the ego and the source embodied the observer the perceiver the higher self.
Speaker 2:So it was May 2, 2011. We had had our house for maybe a month and a half. My ex was still splitting time wrapping up her former career in san jose and, um, you know, I was living in our new house. It was a huge house, beautiful house, on this pristine neighborhood. That's 4 500 square feet. I mean, the house I grew up in was like 900 square feet. My, my closet was as big as my bedroom, was growing up, right, um, so it was just like, yeah, the dream, right, so I'm sitting, uh, alone at at home one day and you know, I was chain smoking. I was drinking like a 12 to 18 pack a day. You know, just, still, just suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, right, still, just so much anxiety in my life.
Speaker 1:Just, it was a lot of worry about. Do you recall that timeline at this moment, like how, why were you using substances like as to kind of dissociate right?
Speaker 2:yeah, I.
Speaker 1:I had a high level of anxiety so you didn't know how to cope with I didn't know how to cope with my anxiety and self.
Speaker 2:It was a physical feeling in my body at all times dysregulated dysregulated, completely dysregulated, from a whole lifetime of survival. Yes, right, um and uh. You know, I just I, I was just I programmed myself to to need something to feel right, whether that be substances, whether that be sex, whether that be, you know, whatever. Vice we tend to rely on.
Speaker 2:So I get a knock on my door and it was May 2nd 2011. I remember that date not only because why that knock came, but it was the day that Osama bin Laden was taken out by Navy.
Speaker 1:SEALs. It just happened.
Speaker 2:So I get a knock on the door and you know, I open the door and it's my next door neighbor and it's Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. I didn't know that at the time. He's like, hey, I'm a gal and he's just the the most. Uh, you know, if you see him, um, you know in any of his appearances or you know any podcast appearances, you know he's, he's like that in real life.
Speaker 2:There's a picture of him at the old house like waving to the google van, you know like there's a picture of him standing outside waving to the google van so you know not only that, like I, I grew up, obviously, in a, in a all pretty much mexican neighborhood, and as a mexican gentleman, in an all-white neighborhood now right, and I'm like you know this is cool, right?
Speaker 2:so I'm like, yeah, man, come in. He's like, hey, I just want to invite you to my my, my cinco de mayo party, which was happening. You know that that next weekend, or whatever, I'm like.
Speaker 2:Hey, yeah, come in, man, you know, let's, let's, let's have a beer, right? So I think that that that one beer ended up being, you know, an 18 pack or something. He probably drank six. I probably drank the other 12. Um, he actually just posted today that he's been sober for eight years, I remember when he when he stopped drinking, which is yeah yeah, it's beautiful, yeah, um, but you know we get into this conversation and um, I tell him a lot of what I've told you tonight, you know just just this and this and this and that, and you know, just like, I guess I was seeking external validation.
Speaker 2:Yeah right, like, look at what I've been through and look where I'm at now yes, right, like I needed him to see that I had struggled through all of this shit now I'm in this beautiful neighborhood next to him and he tells me sort of his history and, and you know what, what lineage he had come from and who his father was, and I didn't really know much about any of it at that time.
Speaker 1:That's so crazy, and they're. They're the cause of my spiritual awakening as well. That's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I would love for you to meet them sometime. They're amazing people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll be watching this, yeah I will love to meet, obviously, um the father. But yes, it's a big, influential in our spiritual awakening for a lot of people that I mean you weren't even aware, right, how big not even close his dad is for many and I'm sure for a lot of the millennials, um, who were awakening during that time with the mastery of love and four agreements and the voice of knowledge. Wow, thank you. Thank you for those books thank you for the knowledge and the wisdom of the Toltecs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bangers, yes, yes, so getting into our conversation. It was like here I am pouring out my heart and my soul to this stranger that I just meet, because I understand that he's in spirituality and he's like maybe he can see or tell me something profound. And he does, but I didn't take it the way that it should have been taken, and I'm just starting to understand what this means now.
Speaker 1:He said you are not your story.
Speaker 2:He's 100% correct you are not your story and my ego takes over and I'm thinking like what do you mean? I'm not my story.
Speaker 1:What do you?
Speaker 2:mean, I did this.
Speaker 1:I went through this. You couldn't comprehend it.
Speaker 2:I made it Like what are you talking about? And I had to ponder that right and slowly over the years, peeling back the onion. Think. I'm getting there, think I'm getting there. And it's like nope.
Speaker 1:Still not there.
Speaker 2:Still not there? Nope, they're slayers. You know, over the years, you know that time of our lives was wonderful. We, we had other neighbors across the street, um uh, brian and lisa.
Speaker 2:Wonderful people and all of our kids, sort of uh, were about the same age, grew up together. You know, my daughter is is best friends with miguel's daughter to this day, even though they're living in san diego. But, um, you know, we we started kind of diving in more um going to, you know, power journeys in teotihuacan with the family. Um, you know, I went to quite a few uh, on one of them, actually, I think it was like 2013. Um, there's a famous uh, well, not famous, but there's a clip that circulates quite a bit with aubrey marcus talking about the first time meeting senior, you know, don miguel, um, and he says I've never seen somebody just so in love with themselves, in such peace.
Speaker 2:And you know he's holding this glass of red wine and I remember that moment. I was standing right there. Um at that stage in my life I was slowly coming into my understanding, but I still wanted to yeah, I still wanted to hold on.
Speaker 2:I was the guy drinking by the pool, aubrey came up to me and he said so what's your story? And I was guarded and I had an opportunity there to kind of, you know, share with him and be in that zone, but I just wasn't. I wasn't ready, you know, to really explore the depths of my being, my soul, my awareness. Explore the depths of my being, my soul, my awareness, you know I still wanted to hang on to what I thought I was that makes sense and and what I thought I was was all the pain right, and what does that do?
Speaker 2:it attracts more more pain more and more, yeah. So, um, you know that was the beginning and you know, throughout the years, you know, I felt like I was. I was getting closer, you know, and have breakthroughs, and then I would fall back into old patterns.
Speaker 2:Um, it was in right before covid, which was opportune time in 2019, when I had the calling to come to the medicine and I discovered ayahuasca and that sort of instilled in me or hardwired in me all of the teachings that I had been taking on, you know, through the toltec wisdom, through my own journey into myself. But this just kind of like just opened so many channels. I was actually called through a friend who you know was going through a very challenging time. He was going through a divorce himself and he was facing, you know, federal indictment for some pretty serious charges, and we had two completely different journeys.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, you were living a different reality.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so the medicine took me to the I guess you could say the Garden of Eden.
Speaker 2:to start, it was like Avatar, yeah, and all of the trees were talking to me, which I found out later. I have a strong connection to trees through divination. But that moment that I felt so connected, um, I remember being in a sleeping bag and the sun is sort of setting and I feel the warmth and I felt like I was back in the womb, and then again I start feeling that sort of safety, that that, uh, that geometry, that beautiful geometry, those colors and it brought me back to my four, four and a half year old self, who was abused and had this incredible journey connection, uh, with source and creator, telling me everything's going to be okay.
Speaker 2:And she comes back and says uh, remember when I told you that everything was going to be okay oh wow, that's yeah and.
Speaker 2:I was like I was like yeah, yeah, I remember it's like okay, what are you, what are you gonna do from this day forward? And I said I don't know, I. I just I want to, I want to heal, I want to heal these childhood wounds. And she said okay, you're healed like you know like like you know like yeah, it was. It was sort of just magical and I really felt like, oh, this was this, was it. You know I did it.
Speaker 1:Yay, you know, it wasn't even knowing that you're just in the first layer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, first layer, first layer. So there was also a time period. A time period and, and um, you know when I, when I moved from san jose to sacramento, my mother was was taken care of in in sort of a halfway home. So I would come and see her, I would, I would buy her, you know, clothes and take her out to eat and just just be as good of a son as I could, based on her level of um illness. You know it was challenging but but I made the sacrifice and I would come and visit her. Well, from the time I moved to Sacramento, she was institutionalized, so I knew her caseworker. We stayed in touch. You know I go through the custody battle, marriage life, and you know a couple years had passed by. I was like, wow, I haven't talked to my mom, I haven't spoken to my mom I try to find her in the system.
Speaker 2:And I and she, she just disappeared. I wasn't a contact and there was there's HIPAA laws that they can't give out information etc, etc. And I, I just I couldn't find her. So it was driving me absolutely crazy, like not having that connection to my mother. So I asked the medicine. I said you know, please, can you just tell me if she's alive or dead? And the medicine told me you know she's, she's alive, but we're not here for her right now and and when it's time it will be revealed to you. So I felt good about that. And then I was given sort of marching orders and the medicine told me that I need you to bring everybody that you love to me. And I took that literally. I started telling everybody about it.
Speaker 2:I was pretty excited that I had this opportunity to help people, um, excited, you know that I, that I had this opportunity to help people. And then, slowly, um, people started answering the call, you know, starting with my friend paul that I talked about earlier, my buddy, dion um, who you know we grew up through wrestling together and I actually told dion at a tool concert on a tuesday and he was sitting in ceremony on saturday wow, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he's he's gone so far and he he just um went to train with the Shipibo uh in Peru last year and I'm excited to say that that I'm answering that call. Uh, in November going to be traveling with my brother, john, here Um one of my, my spiritual mentors and close brother Jens is is is putting this trip together and I get to go with uh darius, who's this is his third uh venture back and just watching his progression, watching him grow deeper into spirit you know, I have such amazing mentors, such amazing, amazing, incredible spiritual warriors that are just just all you know, marching together for a common purpose.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's, that's just you know to to heal the collective consciousness and and to spread awareness it's so beautiful that just and the behalf of women, um to see um beautiful brothers um going and heal, you know, and be able to be in that space of um of healing, and it's so humbling to see you guys it ain't easy.
Speaker 2:It's not. This path is not easy. No, absolutely.
Speaker 1:You get to see your shadows, you get to see your darker fragments that have caused also to attract um experiences that you know bring trauma again to our experiences in the present time. And to see you guys to be in that space of men. Um, you know, as women, when we're around men who are healing, we feel safer, um, we feel seen, we feel that we're protected, you know so thank you guys for doing that for us, for the collective and for the women who are in the healing path as well.
Speaker 2:And thank you to all the women. I mean it takes both, you know, the divine feminine, divine masculine, coming together, understanding that we are both, and just raising that collective frequency and that vibration, um, to heal. You know we all need healing at some level, um, and you know if, if you choose to suppress it or avoid it, then you know that's just something that you know is is going to catch up with you eventually or not.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, during that year, yeah, during that year, more people started answering the call. That's when people like my brother, Jaime, and Ray and several others start coming to the medicine and it's just I'm actively helping people heal their their souls, you know.
Speaker 2:I'm taking on this, this role of, uh, of a channel, a conduit, a bridge, whatever you want to call it, a guide, um and uh, I'm just like wow, you know, I get to get to do this, um, not only for my, my brothers and sisters, but just just for humanity in general, you know, and then people start bringing their family members, they start bringing their wives uh, you know, I brought mine, I brought her family members, I brought um, you know, just just very special, important people. And that's when, on the one-year anniversary, I told Carlos, like hey, maybe you should invite your friend Maru, because he used to send us YouTube clips of him and whatnot.
Speaker 2:And he was like, yeah, it's a plan, and you know Cain Velasquez shows up that time through my brother Gabriel.
Speaker 2:Carrasco, who I knew when he was a little kid and we were in the wrestling system together in high school and he just brought so many things together and it's just so beautiful. That time, and as if it couldn't get any better, almost to the one year anniversary of my first sit, I get a message on Instagram from a girl that I went to high school with and she says, like hey, somebody came into my hospital room with your last name and I said you found my mom and I just started crying and that was the medicine you know. She was like yeah, she said you know, I told her I went to high school with a boy with that last name and my mom said Shane, and I FaceTimed her that day said Shane and I FaceTimed her that day and at this point COVID's in full effect.
Speaker 2:You know my mom was a former smoker. She got COVID developed into you know, copd and and I was like, as soon as I could come see you I'm gonna be there. But whenever my friend had a shift she would, you know, have have her FaceTime with me, and then I was able to get in touch with her case worker, which is great. So now I'm in regular contact with him as her condition is deteriorating over the course of about, you know, five months. So by the time COVID restrictions were lifted I go to see her and she's fully being kept alive on, you know, life support.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I knew what my job was. I knew what my job was. I had already done this with my father, right and I knew that mama gave her back to me so that I could transcend her like I had my father, and I was prepared this time. And um, we went, uh, we had to go to court. I had to, you know, become her guardian and I was helped by her caseworker. That took about two weeks and they're just keeping her alive on life support. She has schizophrenia.
Speaker 2:I don't know what sort of torment she was in in that state, being kept between two worlds, but I just wanted her to go where I know where we go when we leave this plane when we leave this physical body. Yeah, so as soon as that came through I was able to send her in a beautiful way and I got her ashes and I buried them ceremonially at the place where I asked for her back with some of my closest brothers and sisters. Wow, yeah.
Speaker 1:Beautiful.
Speaker 2:And she's there to this day. You know, every ceremony, flowers are put there at the spot and you know she's, she's, she's with me. I wear her ring.
Speaker 2:This is her sole worldly possession oh yeah yeah so beautiful yeah, so my commitment to this um, to this path, to commitment to this path, to this healing path despite everything that I've been through, even recently, I'm still just committed to helping others find their way to source, find their way to self internally and connect in such a, such a beautiful way. You know, I want this for, for every foster kid, for every neglected kid, for every you know, person in in prison that's suffering because they never healed from their wounds.
Speaker 2:I'm so grateful that I have all of these, these, these wonderful brothers and sisters walking this path with me, and we're doing this together. We all have the same uh, you know mission right and it comes? It comes from a higher power, it comes from source, it comes from absolutely you know our creator and why we're here.
Speaker 2:You know we're here to help heal the planet um and bring people together. You know when we're living in a in a world of chaos right now, I mean we're. We don't have reception up here, but somehow we got a piece of news. That's just wild and you know everybody's just trying to tear their heads off each other and there's so much hatred and so much war and kids are, kids are being brutalized and murdered and it's just like god we're being inundated with that and you know the the counter of that is just love.
Speaker 2:You know, guide, conduit, bridge, whatever. I don't really like titles, but you know it's.
Speaker 1:You rise the frequency of the collective. It's important healing path of self. And when creator soars, the divine reminds us who we are in this experience, reminding us that we are the light, we are love. And when we forget that, when we're in the human experience, we are challenged with so many opportunities right and so we don't see them in opportunities, we see them like just some really fucked up situations oh boy you know like why am I fucking here in this situation?
Speaker 1:what do I need to learn from first of all. And so when ego cannot um, you know, let us see um it's when we have tools and we have healing methods and we have circles and we get together with soul, family, soul tribe to remind us because we are versions, are of each other. You know, when we are in a healing frequency, we are mirroring each other, and so when we are mirroring on the frequency that we're in the lower density, we are attracting lower density, wounded human beings in this human experience. So you know, and one of the biggest things I know, for you and for me and for many others that can relate with us, is that we, who always attract a version of ourselves, weren't we are in the lower density and um, in our wounds, you know, um, obviously, uh, it's the cost of our experiences, of our childhood and being in trauma and not knowing how to regulate our nervous system and how to acknowledge the awareness like who? I mean, nobody taught us that.
Speaker 1:So when we're in that 95 percent of the subconscious, we will always attract, you know, fragments of ourselves that are also wounded human beings, and then some of them can be also so dense in their energetic field that we are prey to some of them, and it's not to blame to the villains in the story. There are actually our heroes to help us become who we are in this present time. Yeah right, so we are unveiling everything that we couldn't see before. So now we see. Now we're awakened, now I know why I got um. Now we're awakened. Now I know why I got um attracted, or what those experiences were to um show us more about what we needed to heal, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, wow, yeah, that that leads me to my current um situation, my current growth period, um, my dark night of the soul, which has been very, very, very dark at times, but also extremely gosh. Rewarding, in a sense of I have finally gotten to the root cause of my pain.
Speaker 2:And like you said, energetically, we attract those, whether intentionally or not, from the frequency that we're vibrating at, whether intentionally or not, from the frequency that we're vibrating at. So all of my traumas, all of my unhealed wounds, everything that I brought into what is now my former marriage, put me in a situation where I was not following my intuition to begin with.
Speaker 1:We betray ourselves a lot. We betray ourselves.
Speaker 2:Not understanding why it didn't feel right and getting to a place where I understand all of it now and it's just like whoa, it all makes sense and it always does at the end it always does not the moment, you know.
Speaker 1:We just think it's a fucked up situation and some of them are very, very fucked up situations yeah, absolutely traumatic absolutely absolutely okay, shane. So the story that you're about to share, or the experience that you lived Share.
Speaker 1:Yeah for sure, open heart. This is a safe space for all of us that shared similar experiences of trauma emotionally, psychologically, similar experiences of trauma emotionally, psychologically, and um the awareness that we can get through these experiences is to share information and do your own personal research, but with that being said, um your personal experience, your truth, um that you lived right, your reality. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Your own illusion that you had lived, which we all have lived many illusions, right Because we created it through ego, subconsciously. So for you it was an experience, with a partner, of course, and discovering a lot of things that you didn't realize that you were in such a what can you say? How can you describe it?
Speaker 2:you said it perfectly a complete illusion a complete illusion.
Speaker 2:um, you know, all of this uh growth that I had experienced in this marriage, I felt like we were, you know, energetically connected. I felt like, you know, yes, we had our problems, like most marriages, but, you know, I came to find out at the end that it was a complete and total fabrication and a lie. I never thought I would have to learn about a subject matter that is just so impossible to believe but also to understand that it is, in today's society, sort of an epidemic.
Speaker 2:I would actually An unconscious part yeah, unconscious part, an epidemic, I would. I would even say that it's.
Speaker 1:It's a leading cause of suicide and it's, it's parasitic, it's a person energetically, because I work energetically.
Speaker 1:So yeah um, in the healing, I've shared this with you. Um, when we are in the energy body, in our energy field, you know we will attract parasitic energetic people that are, you know, and this is all fragments. I mean you can be in a workplace in all different relations we're involved with so many relationships work, boss, kids, children, boss kids, children, in-laws, parents. I mean we see consistently in media and even with music, so parasitic energetic things that get latched into our energy field because we are wounded in some form and we will be in situations that, unfortunately, we have to grow and experience through those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's from a spiritual standpoint.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Everything you say right there is 100% correct because we are spirit essentially Right. The other part of us is our mind Right, and this is where the psychology of it all comes into place yeah right, and this is where the psychology of it all comes into place.
Speaker 2:And so the the specific, the specific condition that I'm talking about is narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder is very prevalent in today's society. We don't know how prevalent it is until you are pretty much a victim or a survivor of it. I refuse to be anybody's victim. Just based on everything that I had been through in my life, I realized that energetically, I attracted this into my life before I began my healing journey and I refused to look under the covers or the hood as I was going through this and accepting less and not understanding why I felt like I wasn't getting ahead in my spiritual growth or in any other aspect of my life you know,
Speaker 2:This all sort of began in the spring of last year and you know, just like we always had, we had gone on vacation. You know things were for probably the past year before that, like hit or miss. You know we had good times, we had bad times. We had good times, we had bad times, we had stresses. We were caring for her 91 year old um grandmother with dementia, which I felt was an honor because of my relationship with my grandmother and um. You know it added an extra stress and you know, uh, you know, raising a teenager and all of that other, you know it's just life, it's life you know jobs, etc.
Speaker 1:Right, so this is all going to work itself out.
Speaker 2:We're not always going to be, you know, fully in love or whatever yeah, you go up and down, up and down exactly, but eventually you always come back together yeah, and understanding um, you, you develop communication and it it seemed like our communication was getting progressively worse. In the late spring, early summer of last year, I started noticing what I found out to be gaslighting. And I'm like hey, what is gaslighting? And I looked into it I was like well, wait a minute. I've been experiencing this for a long time now.
Speaker 1:You're right Since when? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:My whole life Right, so I started energetically, my vibrational frequency was raising through my work in the medicine and I started noticing things that just didn't feel right. It was just there was like a disturbance in the force, I guess you would say right, as my frequency was raising, I couldn't you know, lower myself to those, those, those lower frequencies, and and I started noticing things Um.
Speaker 2:I started noticing an uptick in in fights um that were being generated for no reason and then accelerated, and then I would have a reaction and then that reaction was used as a basis for you know you're abusive. You know there's all of these different terms. When it comes to narcissistic personality disorder Specifically, you know it is my not professional opinion, but my lived experience that my knowledge is of covert narcissism, malignant covert narcissism. I believe that energetically I attracted somebody with a trauma experience that as an empath I felt pain in my own ways. I was very self-destructive, openly, an open book, working through it, very self-destructive, openly, an open book, working through it.
Speaker 2:When it comes to narcissism personality disorder, it could be both genetically passed down but also could stem from childhood trauma where a false self is created, an image that you want to project to the world. This false self is usually perfect. So you mirror whoever you're having a relationship with, whether that be a friendship, whether that be um, you know romantic, whether that be with your children and um, I've, I've come to learn quite a bit about it and this all came sort of to an end after February, after about six months of progressive trauma. So the the stages of um narcissistic abuse, psychological abuse in a narcissistic relationship start with love bombing.
Speaker 2:I spoke of earlier how you know this person wanted me and I couldn't understand why I had all of this baggage. I had all of these problems until I understood why I had all of this baggage. I had all of these problems until I understood why, you know that I was, I was a perfect candidate for for for this, this type of energy vampire, I guess you would educational.
Speaker 2:You know there are people out there who are experiencing this currently or have experienced it and can't quite put their mind around it. It's very psychologically damaging and I want to be of support to those who have experienced this. Or if you have a family member, you know I believe you. Yeah, I just want to let you know that I believe you, um, you know, and, and you are not alone. Yeah, and um you know it's going to take some work and I've.
Speaker 2:I've put in a lot of work in this past year. Um. So yeah, around the summertime, fights fights started accelerating. Um. Another thing that they do is um is they triangulate you, so they start what's known as a smear campaign. They'll start dropping hints to friends and family members that you know they're not happy, that you know you're abusive or you're mentally unstable, obviously, I've been doing a lot of work with these medicines. I've been helping a lot of people actively working through my traumas as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah absolutely and we're not perfect. I sat with medicines of many times and I'm still doing the work. So you know it's like when you a lot of people find Jesus. You know you're not going to be like perfect in one night. Same thing with the spiritual walk You're healing, so we're spirit beings having a human experience. So we have trauma.
Speaker 1:So it's not like a magical pill, it's plant medicines, master plant medicines I remember maru said that it's like they're there just to help us navigate and how direct us to work on what we need to work on and when things show up right. So for people to have those higher expectations of us or anybody else nobody else like that are in this experience that you know, like why am I still going through these challenges? Like because you're supposed to go through these challenges. They accelerate. Yeah, so yeah you're now seeing it beyond the veil.
Speaker 1:So, now your third eye. You can see more and more and your frequency is higher and higher. You're like hello, hello. Why is this happening to me? But it's because yeah for the same reason.
Speaker 2:You know like now you're seeing further in, more transparent, more right beyond the illusion so um you know, coming to realize now after the fact, after I've I've figured out everything and you, I'll walk you through that whole timeline. But about two years before what is known as the discard, she started triangulating what's known as a flying monkey.
Speaker 2:A flying monkey is a supporter of this person who believes that you are abusive, that you are mentally unstable, and they feel as though they are coming to aid a victim of abuse, which in itself is tragic, because there are real victims of abuse and people claiming abuse when they're not being abused and actually using their claims of abuse.
Speaker 3:It's very twisted it sounds twisted, it's mind-bending, it is mind-b twisted, it's very it's mind bending, it is mind bending.
Speaker 1:It really is.
Speaker 2:So I actually had a sister, a close sister, that I considered somebody that was on the same path spiritually, actually one of the first people I met in the medicine, and she had actually known my ex-wife from a previous timeline. They went to high school together. They were two different people, but you know, people change. So she knew her as one way, somebody who had a lot of difficulties with drugs and promiscuity in her earlier years, and you know that's the power of the medicine is that it can heal you through all things if you do the work and you allow it right.
Speaker 2:So this person had moved away for a while and then, um, I found out that they had returned and, um, you know, I just really hit it off with her and her partner at the time and I thought, wow, this is great. You know that we're neighbors. Um ray actually told me hey, so and so-so moved to your city. I'm like, oh my God, no way. This is great, because now I could bring them around my marriage and it would be a positive influence. Yeah, a positive influence.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah. So my ex wasn't really receptive to it at first. You know she would make comments from time to time, which is called devaluation. There's a devaluation stage, so it goes from love, bombing, idolization, you're the best person in the world to slowly becoming something more of. You can never add up to their expectation.
Speaker 2:Um, you know, everything seems to be sort of a judgment, um, a concern, a criticism, um, which a lot of people would consider to be nagging, which you know it's just low energy, right, the way that you chew your food, the way that your posture is, the way that you dress, it could be any number of things. You know that you're not doing X, y, z. So you know you go through that period and you don't understand that. You know, over the years, through this campaign, like they have all the time in the world, like it could be a slow process and that's what this was. So you know she comes to me after hanging out with this person and she said you know what? We really hit it off. I want to start working with her, to get in contact, get in touch with my divine feminine.
Speaker 2:I want to start working with her to get in contact, get in touch with my divine feminine, because I had told her, like you know, hey, we're fighting more. You know why? Don't you like work on X, y, z, right, which isn't my place to say something, but as a husband, as a leader, I felt like this would be a good match.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're just conscious, right so?
Speaker 2:come to find out. After everything's all said and done, she used that opportunity to triangulate this, this what she recruited as her flying monkey against me and still bring her around to my house. And this person knew of this plot unfolding. This is somebody that I I held in a very high regard. This heartbreaking betrayal um that I had to process through and, you know, energetically cut that cord and you know again right again, like this is a teacher.
Speaker 2:This is even in spiritual communities. You know, energetically cut that cord and you know again, right again, like this is a teacher this is even in spiritual communities. You know, we're not perfect right no, we got a lot to learn everybody everybody comes from something right.
Speaker 2:Different realities, different traumas yeah but we all can resonate through our path of healing right and what what you also have to understand is a covert narcissist didn't become one overnight, like I married one. That was who that person was from the beginning. That is who that person was from childhood. That's how that person learned how to protect themselves through the false self, the grandiose self of this perfect image, while secretly they're living a fantasy life and they have a lot of shame that they can't deal with. So if they ever have to face their true self which is a reason why a lot of them don't get help and a lot of this goes undiagnosed- you know, they live with this and it's not your fault, it's their fault, right so?
Speaker 1:yeah, and I do hear this a lot of comment because, as you guys know, I am a hair artist and I do hair and I, I am a hair artist and I do hair and I get to hold space for many, many women and this is on the side of the women, you know, because you're actually one of the first ones I ever heard of this, because it's more, I mean, I guess, in my world.
Speaker 2:There's men and there's women.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes and so hearing this is like wow, because I normally hear a lot. That's the men, right yeah and women will describe exactly what you say and I just like is it a common thing for men like creating this, you know, for women, yeah, as predators, and so healing from that me myself healing to trust men again, but hearing you going through this process, of of women also having this problem and undiagnosed, and of course, this is a personal experience and this is what you experience and it's valid.
Speaker 2:It's your reality absolutely and you're healing, and that's really what matters, that this experience is showing you a lot of you yeah, and, and I had to dive into the the lowest depths of hell to find this information I was. I was trauma bonded work right deep deep work and and it and it had to happen, um, in order for me to get closure, because with a narcissist you don't ever get closure it's it's.
Speaker 2:You were abusive and and they get you to a place that you're so dysregulated. Um, you know I I had cortisol levels that could kill an elephant. You know I'd wake up in the middle of the night just soaking wet, trembling, not understanding what was wrong with me. Um, lost, lost, a lot of weight, but I just forced myself to show up for me every single day.
Speaker 1:I.
Speaker 2:I'm in the best shape of my life. Because of it, you know breath work, meditation, ayahuasca I was able to really, really dive into my childhood wounds. I was able to forgive my original abuser, which led me to forgiving this abuse, you know. It's like the pattern, right, yeah, even going further, but not just forgiving, but thanking. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:And you know, like I said in the beginning, in the early years, there's a lot of things I couldn't have accomplished without this relationship you know, but that person sort of knew that and felt that, that you know, I was down here and this person was up here, right, um, so, yeah, getting into it, um not knowing that this, this mirror campaign is happening, that people are being recruited, um, it intensifies and it comes to a head, uh, in about june, late june of last year, when, um, you know, this fight starts out of nowhere and I'm gaslit. I have oh, by the way, you know, for any of the things that I say today, there's documentation, there's text messages, there's financial records, there's credit cards, there's actual receipts and hours of recordings that I had to acquire in order to get the truth.
Speaker 1:That's pretty intense, yeah, that's pretty intense to face that. Just to say a little bit of that In the most humanness part of me. I feel that many who will bump into this episode can relate, that many can. Many who will bump into this episode can relate, um, and because, again, this is a personal self-finding right and you figured it out by you doing so much more healing where it came to a point where you saw a lot of the dark fragments that created this illusion, yeah um of this story, because it becomes a story, guys, it's no longer reality.
Speaker 1:It was a story, lived and now it's learned and it's becoming right yeah a self-healer empowered um.
Speaker 2:You were not your story you're not your story there you go, miguel so thank you for bringing that prophecy yeah, so, um, she actually used, uh, my former friend as a, as a way to drop the news on me that I was going into now, what is known as the discard phase of the relationship with the covert narcissist.
Speaker 2:Um, so, during this phase, they completely just drop you. They drop their feelings for you, they drop any sort of compassion. Now, a narcissist, they, they could, they could, they could fake empathy. You know, they could seem as very caring, very empathetic people, but they don't have the ability to empathize, they don't have the ability to self reflect. They could feign self-reflection right.
Speaker 1:They read a lot of books.
Speaker 2:They could hide and mask themselves in all sorts of different places churches, spiritual communities.
Speaker 1:I mean this is like in levels that you write in all forms of communities. Right, they blend and you will never know Very well, very well, yeah, they're masters at their craft.
Speaker 2:Very well, very well, yeah, they're masters at their craft. And so she, basically, I told this friend like, hey, have you considered as an energetic healer a womb healing that my brother Jaime had suggested, because he had just heard about this through his combo mentors? And she was like, no, what is that? And you know. So we explained it to her. She's like, oh, okay, I'll look into it. So I guess they go into the womb healing. And I guess, after the womb healing, she's like you know, hey, is it okay if we meet this friend? And I'm like, yeah, sure, so she. She basically she was softening the blow because she knew what was coming after the blow right so she, she knew the blow was coming basically.
Speaker 2:So she, she brings me in, we sit down down. She's like hey brother, you know, a lot came up during that womb healing. You know it reminded her of a time before she had responsibilities, like when I knew her, when she was like 19 years old, and I'm like oh, that's, I get that, but you know she has responsibilities now she's a mom, a wife.
Speaker 2:We're taking care of her grandmother, you know. But you just have to be easy and just give this time and just kind of give her space to process through these emotions, and I'm a space holder. Yeah. I know what that means.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So if you could use the people, use the terminology, use everything that, I would be agreeable with and you were obviously a supporter. Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 1:Supporter to like yeah, and I'm sure that's what any partner wants, right, that the other person can come to their own realization of their healing and to be a better self. Right.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Because if you're a better self, you're able to be.
Speaker 2:And I need as a partner. Not that I need it, but gosh, how beautiful would that be that we're both on this healing path and we are working hard at becoming our higher selves our better selves right and do that in partnership.
Speaker 2:You know that's beautiful. So you know, later that night I get home and she's like well, how did your meeting with so-and-so go? I said you know it was tough. It was tough to hear the things that you've been dealing with and I just want to let you know that I'm here to support you, et cetera, et cetera, and whatever I can do. She's like well, is it even worth it? Are you in love with me? And I was like yeah, of course.
Speaker 2:And prompted are you still in love with me? And she said, I don't know, like oh, wow. And it just boom. That's just the weight of that statement just killed me. And the first thing I ask is it somebody else? Have you met somebody else? And her reaction was boom, just a quick deflection, deny, attack, reverse offender. That's called darbo. This is a common tactic they use. So deny, no, of course I knew you would say that gosh. You, you've always thought that I was doing this. You know they, they gaslight manipulate.
Speaker 1:I do hear that a lot. It's very common pros at that. Yeah, now that you put it like in that and I didn't even know. Know, it's Darvo, you said it's called Darvo Wow. So I learned something. It's a very specific technique, but yeah, when my clients will say stories like that about their partners, that they do that.
Speaker 2:Right, they want to make you seem crazy.
Speaker 1:Yes, and jealous, then you think you're the problem. Absolutely so what do I need to do? To heal, or do I go to a therapist? What do I do? Right, because you want to save it.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, so you just nailed it, right? I? Mean, I hear that very frequently, so she said no, I just I don't love myself and I'm like God. That's heartbreaking to hear. Yeah, Because we're on this path of self-love.
Speaker 2:yeah, now you feel like how can and now, how can I be of service? How can I help you? You know, hey, I got these tools, I got, I got all of this support system. Let me share this with you. Let me you know. She's like, well, I'm just, I'm fine working with this person, that she's already sort of turned yeah, so that's very common.
Speaker 1:And again back to like redirecting um, when narcissistic people do that, it's a form of what I mean. It's it's common, so it's to protect themselves for yeah, so.
Speaker 2:So in in the, in the narcissistic discard, they always have a replacement to you. They have a new love interest so she was definitely seeing somebody else. Um, I believe this affair had started sometime before. Normally they have several uh different people that they're talking to in secret. You're married to them, but they're not married to you they're married to the image, the false self. But they live a secret fantasy life.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's deep and, and that's like not, there's no awareness, so it's a perfect cover because we look like the perfect family and that's why I refuse to go through my social media and delete pictures and do all that like most people do as a man. Like you said, you've heard it from women, but you don't hear it a lot from men, because men have what's called machismo pride. Like I can't let the world know that this happened to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it feels to me. Yeah, there's suffering there. Let the world know that this happened to me. Yeah, but there's men who are, yeah, they're suffering. They're suffering in silence, like I said, um, you know, suicide awareness is huge we just got through. I'm big on mental health awareness for men because, just for the simple fact, I also hear women who are wives and have husbands that suffer, you know, of mental health, and also because they suppress so much and they have so much childhood trauma and they can't, they don't know how to help them and shame.
Speaker 1:You know there's so much shame and they don't want to talk about it with their wives. But the wives can see it like there's so much shame in them right.
Speaker 2:So, um, you know that that that whole started that's that's called the discard right, um, what's what's known as the other, the other person in her life. It probably started getting more serious and they had plans to start the relationship to him. She's probably bashing me just saying that she's married to this crazy guy, she's getting a divorce, et cetera. If at that point she had just said, yes, it was somebody else, I don't love you anymore, I could have started my healing process then. But what they do is they want to sort of torture you. They want to create this, this trauma bond that you're just like. Please, you know, let's, let's work on us?
Speaker 1:Do you think it's a place, a form of safety for them, in case it doesn't work out with other people that there are?
Speaker 2:that's a possibility. But I think, maintaining this false self, maintaining this grandiose self of the perfect person. They can't accept any blame either. You know what I mean. So. So what they want to do is get you to a place where you're reacting, you're reactive. Um, you know, I figured out a lot of these things through therapy, lots of therapy. I joined a men's group called Beyond, driven through Tim Arrigo. I post a lot of his stuff, man that guy speaks through my soul and it saved my life.
Speaker 2:I actually joined this program at the final stages of the discard to save my marriage, but it ended up saving me and giving me the ability to rebuild my, my strength myself, my mental capacity, my connection to spirit my tenacity oh god, yeah, when that guy talks, it's just he gives me the chills yeah, hopefully you watch it. Yeah, brother, tim, my next guest oh boy in yes.
Speaker 1:I'm calling into the universe.
Speaker 2:Tim yeah.
Speaker 1:Your sister's calling you. Yeah, and there's a slew of others.
Speaker 2:You know, like I said, I had an army behind me, helping me through this, and let me just take this time to recognize. You know, maru Anziani. You know, he put me through you know, subconscious programming, hypnotherapy, my brother Jens Jarby, this whole process after this discard occurred. You know I went into my first ceremony after and it was with Jens and I got to meet Jens for the first time. Darius has been mentoring under him for a long time. He's like bro.
Speaker 2:You got to sit with Jens, so what perfect timing that this crazy life event happens that I start my process of acceptance, healing growth, and I still I, you know, she told me she wanted to fight for the marriage and I was. I was gonna fight for myself, I was gonna fight. Okay, you're working on yourself, I'm working on myself. Me working on myself involved serious, deep work. Her working on herself from, from my view, was getting hair extensions, getting botox, getting bikini laser, getting a new wardrobe, you know, working out every single day and that's not to bash, but that that was external. I was working on the internal right. So getting to um.
Speaker 1:Very common for women that don't have. Don't have the right um right, correct that unfortunately, you go to the beauty to fulfill some external yeah, it's a need, it's a desire to be wanted to be somebody's. Very common. Actually, it's very common in social media, and just because it's common for men too, I mean it's out there, it's out there in social media, you know. And just because that's it's common for men too, I mean it's out there.
Speaker 1:It's out there I see it. You know, fitness world is getting ridiculous. They think, like you know, of success and cars, and, but it's also the same thing. It attacks women. You know, like they think that this external beauty is going to fulfill what's completely lacking inside.
Speaker 2:It's funny that you say that. So two things come up with that when you just mentioned that, because a lot of things came up. After I found out what narcissistic personality disorder and malignant covert narcissism was, I started going back in the timeline all the way through our marriage. And I was like, oh my God, like this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened and it all just fell into that checklist. Not everybody who cheats is a narcissist. Not everybody who lies is a narcissist. Not everybody who manipulates is a narcissist not everybody.
Speaker 1:I was a manipulator, guys, so yeah but I think that's survival mechanisms. Survival mechanisms will create that when you're a child, when you don't know how to self-soothe and so you create manipulation to get what you want to get correct. So, yeah, I agree with you.
Speaker 2:But all of these things, deep layers, yeah all of these things coming together and following a specific pattern. Male or female, they all follow this pattern. I've done so much research on this and I'm just blown away that, like energetically right, we're all called to a singular source and we're all on this path of of work and bringing unity together. It seems like they are called to a lower vibrational frequency that's meant to exploit and and, like I said, great teachers right like this is going to energetically make me yeah, well, as a shadow worker I use the shadow to help me um bring more, brighter of my light because, it's.
Speaker 1:It's gonna bring more light into the darkness, so it's gonna show me more things that I have to let go right correct.
Speaker 2:So as time goes on, um, you know, month to month there's, there's things, like you know, she would hey, let's have a date night. Oh, that sounds amazing, you know. So we'd a date night. So this is called breadcrumbing. So in the background she's telling everybody that we're done, that it's over, that I need to get out of this marriage. He's abusive, he's mentally unstable, et cetera. But to me she's like I want to make this work.
Speaker 1:I want to fight for our family.
Speaker 2:So it's creating this confusion. Our family, right, so it's creating this, this confusion. But I could feel the energy when I would go around her friend groups, because she would still parade me around her friend groups. In fact, we went to a wedding in uh in august for her best friend's brother, and the next day she left to a silent retreat where no cell phones, do you understand? Yeah, and then after that it turned to oh, I, I've been called to um travel more for work. I gotta now do these regional shows. And so then a regional show was happening like clockwork every you know three weeks to a month right, you never question.
Speaker 2:Of course, never question it, never question it, and and you know she's such a meticulous planner that's what she does Like there was so much work and effort put into the deception. And I found out all this after, like I made that disclaimer, I got actual evidence of all of this that I say Um around October. Uh, you know, she had to go to a regional show and she returns and I have a friends um friends gathering with my friends from from my hometown people that I grew up with and who she became very close with over the years, because this is, these are my people, you know, and we're a couple, and these are your people too right Just?
Speaker 2:like with her friends, but she didn't have immediate access to them. So she went to this party, cornered one of my best friend's wives and said girl, I'm not happy, and, you know, started saying all of this stuff which was completely out of character for her. My friend came into the mix and she starts telling him well, you need to start treating her better, because you know we don't stick around forever if we don't feel blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:So it was just like, so like red flags, red flags so my, my friend, his wife told him that night like I think she's seen somebody else.
Speaker 2:Like that was the energy she picked up and he was like no way if you knew this person, there is no possible way. I didn't think she was capable of telling a lie much less cheating like that was crazy, especially all the stories about how her ex was infidelity and all of this.
Speaker 1:It's like like that was never in my mind so that's one of the things that people, if they look into covert narcissistic, they will have those traits, creating absolutely for the illusion, the illusion the illusion.
Speaker 2:So you know, that's oct, october going into November. We're still, you know, going to gatherings, going to Thanksgiving as a family, and you know I'm thinking we're working on ourselves and working possibly at restoring the marriage. But it starts pulling apart. In September of that year I wanted a second opinion. She brought so-and-so to the house so that we could all meet the three of us, and that's when, you know, she dropped so-and-so, dropped, like well, she doesn't want to be intimate anymore. How do you feel about that? Okay, I don't feel good about it, like, and then I started realizing oh shit, like this, this is a plot that's sort of unfolding. So I, through Maru, was given a recommendation of a beautiful, beautiful soul. I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her name Nadine Keller. She's, you know, on a psychology standpoint, she had, you know, 30 years experience in couples, counseling her marriage, and just her example and all of her writings and all of her spiritual leanings, so she sounds amazing, so we might just put her link, yeah she's, she's amazing, and and yeah you
Speaker 2:know. So I I said I want a second opinion and I want somebody who actually has experience in these matters, you know, not somebody who's a few years into the medicine and possibly, you know, never had a healthy relationship to be, you know, dealing with mine. I didn't. I didn't call that in. You're supposed to work on yourself in an energetic way and you know, here now we have this third party that you're relying heavily on for all of your advice and all of you know, and sort of the triangulation she was turning us against each other because I was getting, you know, upset that this was happening.
Speaker 2:So I called in this beautiful soul and you know she starts meeting with us. So I started noticing a pattern she's using this person's advice and not taking the advice. That doesn't fit. And you know this person would drop subtle hints Like I would say something like, well, I know she would never cheat on me. And she would be like, well, don't ever use absolutes, don't say never, right. And that was changing sort of like my thought process. Like wait a minute, no, no.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I'm just in this complete state of trauma bond, complete state of cognitive dissonance, complete state of trauma bond complete state of cognitive dissonance complete state of confusion, and that's what they they want to keep that confusion alive, so that you're.
Speaker 2:So, getting back to to june, I I just started a new job, or I just got an offer for a startup company and I was excited. It was a. It was a great opportunity, great role, yeah, so right at this time is when all of this stuff starts happening, so I can't, I can't think, I can't concentrate. I'm a sales guy. I can't get a deal closed. Traveling a lot yeah, traveling.
Speaker 1:It requires so much travel so you're, you're just going full force with this new career, correct?
Speaker 2:yeah, so, um, you know there's so many, so many little things that happen, but as we're getting towards the end of the year, christmas time we spend christmas as a family. Um, you know, we invite her family over and it's again, it's, it's, you know. Hey, you know, let's, let's go on a date now, let's go to dinner as a family, and then it's like, you know, treat me like garbage. You know, just cruelty, a level of abject cruelty that I never experienced before, because this is somebody that I relied to on love. The trauma bond is set and now I am just just looking for any little piece of anything I could get out of the situation right so so she recommends um at the end of the year that we go to to tail.
Speaker 2:You know, um, and we've been there so many times. You know we, we were so just bonded with the family. We were all just very, very close together. So come to find out, you know I was, I was used as a prop on that. On that trip.
Speaker 2:You know she wanted to keep up the appearance that we were good good, or you know, and, and keep up that appearance to me like we're actually going to be moving forward, or at least this is a starting point for that, and we'll be okay right. So, um you know, three days later. Uh, I later found receipts that she had she had bought lingerie for a regional show. Yeah, and previously she had bought lingerie several other times for each regional show so very common of like yeah of creating a different story of her reality.
Speaker 1:Right, right, yes, your reality and her other reality exactly so double lives double life.
Speaker 1:I mean, I hear this all the time, like I said, said with my clients, with different realities. You know, in some case I'll just briefly say, like one of my client's partners, like he will fly all the way to Colombia and call it a business trip with her brother and looking at things out there, and next thing, you know, like got a girl pregnant, but it wasn't a baby. Long story short. It's like a story of like got a girl pregnant, but it wasn't a baby. Long surgery. It's like a story of like lifetime movie. And, with that being said, that's why I'm like this is very common.
Speaker 1:Guys, this is all educational purposes for your own research of your this experience that shane went through and um, and of course you are healing through this process of this and that's like our family are so fond. We commend you, we love you so much through this process of your healing, because it's not just helping yourself, it's helping all of us that it's gone through such traumatic emotions similar to your experience. I never thought I would hear this story from a man. To be honest, I really it's, because I hear it so much from women.
Speaker 1:So, like, the more you talk about it, I'm like I hear this always behind the chair and to hear it and for the men out there who might be going through this like please reach out to Shane, like he's he's an amazing guy, he's healing um. Please reach out to Shane, he's an amazing guy. He's healing self-awareness to the full and your mentors that you have seriously.
Speaker 2:I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Thank all of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:Dr Barney Jordan. I haven't given him a shout out. Maybe I have, but I've been working with him recently so he comes to mind and just really learning the depths of internal family systems. He trained directly under Dick Schwartz, who's like the godfather of IFS Madhu is actually the first person to mention IFS to me, so that all came full circle. Lloyd and Ndia Angarza. Thank you so much for all of your support through ceremony and otherwise, just on a day-to-day basis.
Speaker 2:Lloyd has struggled through so much in life when I hit my lowest rock bottom. You know she recommended and actually paid for my first initial visits with Dr Jordan.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, yeah, thank you, amazing, so family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So getting back to the timeline, yeah, so the timeline.
Speaker 1:Let's get back to the novella.
Speaker 2:The novella, the novella, yeah so um, you know, mid-january, um, I was in danger of being laid off from my new position at this startup because of a lack of performance, and they had every right to lay me off because I was. I was. I was not in my own mind, my own body. I was trauma bonded I was reactive dysregulated dysregulated to the max.
Speaker 2:Later I found out through, through tim morigo, um, you know, that my, my amygdala was was constantly being hijacked. It had been swollen. My hippocampus had shrunk. I was completely out of my my prefrontal cortex, where awareness lies you weren't even breathing properly. I wasn't no, and I was doing breath work every single day you know, let me you right Sauna, cold plunge, running like nothing was working, and but it all was too.
Speaker 1:At the same time, you know, like you couldn't see at the moment, I think Right, but you were showing up for you.
Speaker 2:I was showing up for me every single day.
Speaker 1:So that's what matters.
Speaker 2:So this is all sort of like Pulp Fiction-y, because like I'm jumping back on timelines. All sort of like pope fiction-y, because like I'm jumping back on timelines, so please keep up.
Speaker 2:But um you know, january, mid-january, I was in danger of being laid off and so I started looking at our finances um and I noticed that a credit card um had been run up like 20 grand, and so I I asked about it and I said, hey, you know, did you know about this? And she's like that's got to be a mistake. But I'm busy now I can't, I can't look into it. So I'm like, okay, I'll log in. So I go and log in and I'm not on the card anymore. So I'm like, hey, I couldn't log in. Did you take me off the card? No, no, um, you know, I don't know, just I'm busy, um. And then it turned into oh, you know what that was, um, we actually paid for our daughter's uh, semester of school, but she's getting this grant money and that's going to be used to pay that off. So don't, don't even worry about it. And then I didn't even ask, I didn't even question that. I was like, okay, that that that makes sense. You know, we've done that before or did we?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I mean that's right Right.
Speaker 2:Right, right. So yeah, it questions everything I'm questioning it, so she volunteered a third story, which was that she accidentally used her personal credit card for work purposes and that she caught that, and now the work's going to reimburse her, so it's a dead deal.
Speaker 1:And I'm like bullshit, you know.
Speaker 2:And for the first time I thought, wow, this person lied to me. In 13, 12, 14 years I didn't think this person was capable of telling a lie. First of all, infidelity no freaking way, right, like absolutely not this person's image that they, that they upheld for so long. Nobody could have guessed it. So then I'm like we got something here, we got a situation. There's smoke. I need to, I need to dig deeper. Um, I was in therapy at the time now with the narcissist. Everybody around them ends up in therapy, except for themselves. They. They don't have the ability to self-reflect. If they do end up in therapy is to get better at their craft or to convince the therapist that they're not the problem, right?
Speaker 1:so it's a very delicate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, this is wow so my therapist, um, after going through this series of events, I'm I think she's having an affair. I found this the financial um impropriety, the, the, the hair extensions, the tanning, the botox she's like. Well, if she isn't already having an affair, she's planning to. How does that make you?
Speaker 3:feel oh, wow your therapist said this yeah yeah, therapist and I can't, I can't mention her by name. No, I'm just kidding. I mean, she was just reach out to him.
Speaker 1:Maybe you guys want to go to that. Yeah, she was.
Speaker 2:She was straight up, she didn't beat around the bush and I respected her for that straightforward right.
Speaker 1:But I was I was in.
Speaker 2:I was in the midst of a trauma bond. So I get home and it's actually happens to be her, her birthday, and you know she, we go, we go to dinner and then we're just kind of spending you know nice time together and, um, you know she's like so how did therapy go and what? What she's doing is she's trying to see where I'm at in my discovery or in my process. She already knows about the credit card question. I said well, you know, I told her about the credit card, I told her about these other things, and she thinks that you're having an affair. And then she answers that's just because I haven't talked to her.
Speaker 2:Wow, and I was like, oh shit, and she was set to leave to Florida that week. Um, she goes to Florida, uh, for, uh, an actual trade show. Actually, she's been planning this one for a year, but then a regional show after the actual trade show, right? So, um, and I'm just sitting there with my thoughts like this this therapist, you know, mentioned this and she said that's because I haven't talked to her like, has she been maybe doing this with everybody she's been talking to, including the person that we were seeing together and putting on this.
Speaker 2:So, um, I start going, you know, deeper into, like I gotta, I gotta know, I gotta know, I gotta find out. I can't, I can't be in this, this constant state. So the next week I go back to the therapist and I I tell her, like what her response was when I I said that she said oh wow, she got that out of you, huh. And she said you know, have you ever heard of um narciss personality disorder, covert narcissism? And I was like no, what is that?
Speaker 1:And then the research starts and then I realize and there's a rabbit hole.
Speaker 2:And then it's like whew, and then it goes back to the six-month timeline and I'm just blown away and I'm just like, oh my God. So now I'm in a state where I'm just like I have to dive into the shadows.
Speaker 1:So now you're going to go inward right At this point because you've been sitting with Inward external.
Speaker 2:It's a cat and mouse game. And in order to match that energy, you have to do things that you wouldn't normally do.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay. So kind of emulate or create something similar to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I was able to access her computer, her work computer, and I saw that for every regional show there was a blank on her calendar. So immediately I thought it was her direct report boss who was the president of the company. It didn't turn out to be him after all I apologize to him because I guess that got back to him somehow, but you was.
Speaker 2:I was, um, I was in a really bad state. I was completely dysregulated. I joined, beyond driven um the day that she left the house, and the reason why she left the house is because I had found that she booked an airbnb in monterey, um, for that the end of that month, which was febru're, we're at like February 12th. And so, um, I asked her. I said, hey, do you have any work travel planned this month? And she said, yeah, I have a regional show in uh, in Utah, at the end of the month. I was like, damn it, you know, this is so. That day I hired a private investigator, um, but I couldn't contain the secret, for the next 18 days or whatever it was.
Speaker 2:It was driving me crazy. I started drinking alcohol heavily to suppress these emotions and try to keep it under wraps and just show up. Yeah, I wanted to show up like cheaters at the hotel, but I had a grand plan to do that and have it on tape, and so there's absolutely no questioning oh God that would have been wild, but I couldn't keep it under wraps and I was dysregulated and I and I in full accountability I did horrible, said horrible things absolutely I was every trauma that I had ever experienced in my life came to the surface.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I am so ashamed of the way that I acted in front of my child. I'm so sorry, baby, I love you so much. Please forgive me, but I was a fucking mess. I was a fucking mess and this is fucking mess. And this is six months of psychological abuse that I went through. But on the bright side, I knew now there was no more questioning, there was no more guessing. Beyond Driven was helping me every day.
Speaker 2:Just meet with men that are going through similar circumstances. There's a lot of marriages that are messed up that aren't due to narcissistic abuse. It's due to unhealed wounds and traumas, and that's why I joined the program, because I was like you know, if my marriage has a chance, this is it. And what they do is they make you face your shadow, they make you face your responsibility. That person on the other end has nothing to do with how you are inside and how you show up to your marriage. So if they're not for you and you raise yourself to a higher bar, a higher standard, a higher consciousness, they're going to naturally fall away anyways.
Speaker 1:It's going to fall, it's going to dismantle Absolutely. It's going to burn down Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So so you know I didn't understand the level of freedom that I would be experiencing from this and also the level of self-awareness and also the level of, you know, ability to help heal my fellow brother and sister. You know suffering through these things, but you know I acted a fool. I did horrible things, I said horrible things.
Speaker 1:As we all have done.
Speaker 2:I was, I was drinking, you know, and not to make any excuses for any of my behavior it was it was completely unacceptable and um, you know I'm I'm truly sorry that it got me there. Um, I was responsible for my emotions and I failed in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2:Um, and it'll never happen again you because I am now back in the driver's seat of my destiny, of my spirit. I was so disconnected to spirit and I just feel it just coursing through my body now and you know. My purpose is clear. It's uncertain. You know, for the first time in my life, Welcome to the club.
Speaker 1:Trusting the void, the abyss of nothingness, and trusting the universe right.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So she still at this point didn't know that. I knew, you know. But I basically said I know you're having an affair.
Speaker 2:Please just admit it so that we can move on in a peaceful way, or that we can move forward and I forgive you, you know, or that we can move forward and I forgive you, you know, like just still willing to forgive at that point, not knowing exactly that the roots of this disease that she'd been, you know, working through or not even working through, but, you know, affecting other people, I guess you would say with her entire life or herself. They're the most effective, like they suffer intensely, like there's no revenge that is needed, there's no karma et's.
Speaker 1:She's cleaned your karma by how you're healing yourself and taking ownership of your own feelings, your behaviors, your patterns. Yeah, for her daughter's sake.
Speaker 2:I hope that she is able to maintain um absolutely yeah so, um you, she moves out of the house that day that I, that I accusing her of what she's doing because I know, but you know she wants to still. Oh my God, I can't believe you're still bringing up the fact that I'm having an affair, et cetera, et cetera, was perfect because now I had time alone, outside of this, to really grieve, to really go through what I felt was like what a heroin addict goes through and withdraw.
Speaker 1:I was.
Speaker 2:I was shaking violently. I was waking up in cold sweats, soaking wet, just crying. I was having suicidal thoughts. I was and for for somebody who's been on this healing path and doing so much work to have suicidal thoughts. I can't imagine what somebody who's not even close to that level of support that I've been given of just friendships and bonds that I have to go through that kind of pain.
Speaker 2:My brother, jaime, shows up the following day. He heard in my voice. He drives three hours just to come, sit by my side and to hold up a mirror of who I am.
Speaker 1:Powerful, powerful.
Speaker 2:Powerful. The following week I knew that you know, it was 50-50 that they would show up to that Airbnb with the private investigator. So I was like, hey, I'm going out of town, I'm going into ceremony. I knew that I needed to go into the medicine and I knew that she would be in the home again and I, I, I planted recording devices and I, I got a glimpse into the real self, the real what she's been protecting for 14 years through her own words.
Speaker 2:Um, she sent videos to this gentleman. You could tell that he was pulling away because you know she was probably very disheveled and just out of sorts because she was no longer in the house, so she was feeling very uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:So she was trying to reel him back in.
Speaker 2:So I was like there's a chance this might not happen. And it didn't. Ultimately, she ended up coming back into the house and I was like I got you it's, it's over. You know, you got sloppy during that time. You got sloppy During that time. I also found you know receipts and you know all of the things that you know she had been sort of keeping under wraps.
Speaker 1:And with that being said, what's the most, what's the word? I'm trying to find that you can give advice to the audience when you're in that situation. I mean, what was your feeling at this point? Um, how to rail it in for yourself? Yeah emotionally get help, get help, what tools?
Speaker 2:and yeah, so so definitely, definitely, get therapy. Intensive therapy, um, you know for somebody that that has been doing this work, um, um, to go through such a heavy process to deal with with the psychological aspect of it, you got to get your mind right. You got to heal your wounds.
Speaker 2:There's no other way than to go inside of yourself and sit with the fucking struggles that you went through as a child as a teenager, as a young adult, to sit with your part and your role in everything that you've attracted into your life energetically, connect to a higher power, connect, connect to a community. You know, when I went into the medicine that week, um, the medicine showed me all of the depths of the treachery and the shadow. And I had to go and I had to absorb and I had to feel the grossness of itachery and the shadow. And I had to go and I had to absorb and I had to feel the grossness of it, I had to purge it, I had to get rid of all of the shit that I've been carrying this whole fucking marriage that I've been suppressing.
Speaker 2:But it also showed me that I was called to the medicine years ahead of time because this was happening. I didn't feel it intuitively because I was suppressing it, but in in that process I was building this house brick by brick, with every brother and sister that I brought into this medicine life, that when that storm was coming over the hill, I had a nice soft, cozy place to go and lay down by the fire and I was held so tight, so tight, in that circle next to my mom and her ashes, and I was loved. And I was just loved by the medicine and loved by my community. Yes, and this is why I do this, thank you.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, thank you, yeah um your heart, absolutely vulnerable in this space. Yeah, thank you, you know.
Speaker 2:Thank you for providing this platform. Um, it's, it's. You know. I'm just excited for what's to come. I'm excited to go to the jungle and further my studies into this medicine, into this healing path, with the original holders of this sacred medicine, who kept this tradition alive for over 6,000 years, despite all of the challenges that they faced. The fact that we get this beautiful medicine to touch our lips and heal our souls in such a profound way for the collective I'm really grateful for that.
Speaker 2:I'm really grateful for all of my mentors. I'm really grateful for all the people who took an interest in me. I'm really grateful for all the people who believed me when I was going through this process, believed me when I was going through this process, you know, for the community that held me for, you know, my closest friends, my brothers. Thank you, my sisters, thank you for all of the people that you know are following their hearts. I've helped a lot of people while I was going through this dark night of the soul, the struggle like I'm still helping people um work their way through through their processes. So thank you for believing in me, thank you for trusting me, thank you for following um that intuition that that you know I I have the collective's best interest in at all times.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, you heal and you heal your brothers. You know, as I heal, I heal my sisters. Yeah, we're just one piece of that. We're weaving this together yeah, and we heal each other right yes, and how beautiful that is that you're able to see the light even through that process, right?
Speaker 1:yeah even through the process. So thank you to all the amazing people that come in our roles, in our fat and and our families too, that came to that role to be, in this experience for us, so we can be who we are in this present time and who will be coming.
Speaker 2:You know, remembering who we are yeah, you know and you know, share your truth, share your light.
Speaker 1:You know, by you sharing your story and not not holding back on things that might be uncomfortable um to be guilty and shame is one of the things the ayahuasca, you know, madre, showed me. Like um, the whole world, the whole collective, we know that's what holds us back. It's the shame and the guilt right to really share our truth and our light. You know, and um, no one is perfect. No one is perfect. And being vulnerable is opening yourself to that space of transformation and becoming a new self, a new version of yourself.
Speaker 2:Each time you know you're shedding rebirth, it's amazing, yes, yeah, and and you know acceptance of that I've allowed, um, the parts of of the old version of myself to to have a beautiful death. You know it's, it's been a quite an awakening and, um, I'm looking forward to just furthering, uh, this beautiful metamorphosis from from a cocoonon to a butterfly, and you know helping others. You know achieve that in themselves, but it ain't easy, it's not a path that you know you need community, you need family, chosen soul family.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a traditional family. I had a very untraditional family. I didn't have a family at all. Really, the gift that God gave me when he she told me that everything is going to be okay was the ability to attract the greatest souls on earth and believe that that what we're doing is creating just waves of of positivity and ultimately you know, across the nation, across the world, you know, we, we all need to come together and these spiritual communities, all with the same common purpose, to uh, to to change this shift and and create this, this new, beautiful reality.
Speaker 2:And I think it's happening.
Speaker 1:We're coming to a head and and you know and I think that's a big thing, right, like people who suffer of um, obviously there's so many levels of narcissistic things. You know and again, that's like for each individual to look into it. You know, personal research and educate yourself and having a mindful mind regarding that and be in that awareness, because it's also creating boundaries for ourselves be, able to when you're becoming more and more of a better version, a higher self.
Speaker 1:You learn to respect yourself, you learn to put boundaries, and that's a form of protection of your energy yes because you're learning now, finally, to love yourself. Yes, with self-respect of your essence.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Of your essence.
Speaker 2:There's basic things that you should never sacrifice, and you know loving yourself, yeah, self-betrayal. Yeah, loving yourself is the most important tool above all else, and how you get there is is is a personal path, um, and sometimes it has, uh, quite a few bumps, and sometimes you think that you've made it, and you're not, even, you're not even fucking close.
Speaker 1:Enjoy the journey, enjoy the ride, enjoy the ride, you know, cause it's? It's everything it's like. Again, we said in the beginning, it's an opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves and as that, through that transitions, that we go through death and rebirth, we're also healing our ancestors, we're healing our descendants. You know, and I've said it in the past, we are the new ancestors for our future new earth, which is us. You know, and I've said it in the past, we are the new ancestors for our future new earth, which is us. You know, we're ending the war with us, you know, and making peace with ourselves, connecting with ourselves and learning how we become more and more, more divine in the experience and in this experience of a human life. Yeah, um, so honor, thank you so much for sharing absolutely anything else that you would like to share?
Speaker 1:yeah, one.
Speaker 2:One final thing you know if, if you have people in your life that you feel are going through something and you feel it energetically, or you know what they're going through, you know just continually check in. I I had so many people checking in on me. You know I so many to name. You know, you know peter purpich. You know. Thank you my brother long time, just beautiful soul, always just checking in and and just trying to get me to do things outside of my comfort zone, which I love him for, um lar Larry Terry, one of my longest friends of the world.
Speaker 2:You know there's just so many guys. I'm really sorry, but I love each and every single one of you. Jason Palomino, thank you so much for all of your love and support throughout the years. You know a lot of these people have seen me go through all of these phases that I've spoken with you about, but you know, finally getting to a place where it's all sort of making sense, and that I was given this purposefully, because I could handle it.
Speaker 3:I got big shoulders and I got a big fucking purpose and it's your.
Speaker 1:It's an opportunity for tremendous growth absolutely, and the fact is that your soul, right it's um. I'm a believer that we choose sometimes our experiences so we can grow in this lifetime I do believe on many lifetimes and so maybe in this lifetime we get in a stronger challenge than we could remember. Another lifetime, um with ayahuasca. She has showed me other lifetimes and gracias, mama and you know, and this lifetime I have to learn again. You know that I don't have to be attached to the externals, to the experiences you know be able to embrace the uncertainty with acceptance, and that gives us freedom.
Speaker 2:You are not your story. Yes, you're not your story.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, Shane. Thank you for being vulnerable in this space.
Speaker 1:Thank you, John, for being here with us in the back my brother. John. Hey, john, thank you. Thank you to all the ones that have been a of shane's life and thank you in this most recent experience and that in this episode, anybody who gets in um to hear it, the audience, that you get medicine out of both of us and, and most and most, first of all, like shane, thank you again because this medicine is so potent, in a sense of like we are the medicine, yes, our lived experiences.
Speaker 2:You know that the medicine only goes so far, it's just the work. And that's what I was shown, too, you know, like, and that also, you know, was sort of used against me in a way. But I take it as a, as a compliment. You know, the number of journeys that I've done doesn't matter. The amount of integration that I do on a daily basis is none of anybody's business, but I'm I'm a living example of the work yeah, and the struggle and and and the dark and the light and you know,
Speaker 2:yeah, shadow, shadow work is important, you're not going to find growth in, in, in the light, you're going to find it you in the depths of your being, which, which you know, requires you facing a lot of fucking pain, and you know, discomfort in so many levels.
Speaker 1:And yes, Shane, you are. You are the medicine, we are the medicine. That's right. So, honor, thank you again and share this episode. And again, this episode is personally for shane. It's healing for him and his own reality and, um, you know, appreciate for your transparency of your experience and you're healing yourself through this process. Thank you for taking ownership and for the collective because, that's the only way we can heal radical accountability radical acceptance accept, accept I've.
Speaker 1:That was a hard one for me yeah, it takes almost every day to say that and follow, follow the emptiness stay in, stay in that space of awareness, consciousness.
Speaker 2:Find your way back there through breath, through meditation. However, you got to get there get out of your head, get into your heart that's all your healing methods that you've used through this process and thank you, and so, with that being said, we're done, it's a wrap.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a wrap. So if anybody wants to reach out to um shane um, please reach out, I will post his instagram, is that okay?
Speaker 2:absolutely yeah, it's shane Shane underscore, david underscore street on Instagram. I'm actually going to sign up for Facebook again. I've been off for like 13 years or something.
Speaker 1:He has super exciting news he's going to the jungle. We support him in any way. We're here to be in service for you as well yeah, please follow Kota Healing in. Kota Healing absolutely yes, this is amazing it's a new venture this is a beautiful ceremonial place that we come and heal and share medicine. This is something that's very important.
Speaker 2:Um you know creating a structure. Um not just you know ceremonies and medicine, but also you know integration, being of service, teaching people how to do the shadow work, not just telling them what that is Breathwork, meditation, yoga, all of the modalities Go for a run, move your energy, yeah exactly Diet working out. I mean, everything is medicine. Remember, it's our temple, it's our mind and our spirit.
Speaker 1:What you listen, what you hear, yeah, so stay inward. Thank you so much. You guys keep hydrating during this hot season. Hey, my loves, thank you for joining me on this episode of car After Dark. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe. Share them. Follow the link below. I'm looking forward to you joining me on my next episode. Thank you for your love, namaste.