Be The Quiet One Who Accidentally Runs The Room

What if the quietest move is the most powerful one? We explore deference as a deliberate act of strength—less about giving up your voice and more about choosing when to honor the right voice at the right time. Instead of equating respect with weakness, we reframe deference as a fast track to wisdom, a trust-builder on teams and in families, and a subtle engine for influence when everyone else is trying to be the loudest in the room.

Transcript

Defining Deference With Clarity

Wes 0:00

Welcome to the According to Wes podcast, where we explore the qualities that build strong character and foster deep connection. I'm your host Wes, and today we're talking about a quality that often gets a bad rap. A word that carries both negative and positive connotations. That word is difference. We'll be exploring what it truly means to be differential and why it's a profound sign of strength and not weakness. Having difference or being differential means showing or expressing respect and high regard due to a superior or elder. The word difference can feel a little old-fashioned or even negative when we hear it. We might think of a blind obedience, submission, or lack of a backbone, but that's a superficial understanding. At its core, difference is the respectful willingness to yield to the knowledge, experience, or authority of another person. It's not about being powerless. It's about making a conscious choice to honor someone else's judgment. Think about a master chef guiding a young apprentice. The apprentice doesn't stubbornly insist on their own methods. They show a difference to the chef's years of experience. A military commander trusts their seasoned officer. A novice differentially listens to the counsel of a wise elder. In all these cases, difference is a sign of intelligence and humility. It's a recognition that you don't know everything and that wisdom can be found in others. In this episode, we'll differentiate between healthy difference and its negative counterparts. We'll explore its benefits and come up with practical ways to cultivate more of it in your own life. To truly understand difference, we must first distinguish it from what it is not. Difference is not blind submission. Blind submission is rooted in fear and a lack of critical thinking. It's a person who follows orders without question, even when they know it's wrong. Healthy difference, however, is a conscious, respectful choice. It's the ability to say, I have my own butts, but I recognize your expertise and will respectfully follow your lead. A truly differential person can still offer their opinion and even disagree, but they do so in a way that honors the other person's position. Some of my friends in relationships need to hear that one part. Especially when it uh comes to their relationships with their partners. So many times I've heard of uh uh scenarios and and incidents that they have where on the outside looking in, I'm like, well, if you just didn't say that one sentence that way, or if you came to them in a respectful way, not like you uh not in a manner that you what you say goes and I know what's best for us, and not even taking to it taking into account what they're saying, how that could benefit y'all. It's just this is the way I need to go. This is the way we need to go. Get on the get on the get in the car and then and and enjoy the ride, no matter where it takes us, type type uh type of uh feelings. But I digress. I digress. Difference is also not a sign of weakness. In fact, it requires immense strength, self-awareness, and humility to put your ego aside and listen to someone else's wisdom. In a world that often rewards being the loudest voice in the room, it takes courage to be the one who listens. A person who is constantly fighting to be heard and to be right is often driven by insecurity. A truly differential person is secure enough in themselves to learn from others without needing to prove they are the smartest. The foundation of healthy difference rests on three key pillars. The first one is humility. Humility is the genuine belief that you don't have all the answers. It's an understanding that every person, regardless of their background, has something to teach you. The second one, respect, is a profound regard for another person's knowledge, experience, or position. It's an act of choice to value their contribution. The third is self-awareness, which is the ability to know when to speak and when to listen. It's the wisdom to recognize when you are the student in the room and when you are the teacher. So, why is having the quality of difference so important? Why should you make a conscious effort to practice it? Well, for one, it accelerates your learning and growth. Difference is the fastest path to wisdom. When you put your ego aside and truly listen to a mentor, an expert, or someone with more experience, you absorb their knowledge and avoid making the same mistakes they did. Difference allows you to stand on the shoulders of giants. Difference also builds trust and strengthens relationships in any collaborative environment, at work, in a family, or on a team. Difference is a powerful tool. When you show respect for others' opinions and contributions, you build trust. It creates an environment where people feel valued, which in turn makes them more likely to listen to you. It also paradoxically increases your influence. In a meeting where everyone is talking over one another, the person who listens most attentively and offers a thoughtful, differential question often has the most influence. By showing that you value others' opinions, you earn respect and credibility. When you do choose to speak, your words carry more weight because you've demonstrated that you aren't just interested in the sound of your own voice. And last, it sharpens your emotional intelligence. Practicing difference forces you to be more attuned to your to social cues and power dynamics. It helps you read the run, understand when to lead, and when to follow. On a surface level, I've always practiced by difference in order to uh just to seek wisdom and and and to you know to do better on the job or uh complete a task. Um however I never I never really considered um what having I never really considered difference in helping build uh relationships and improving my my influence um or even cultivating better emotional intelligence. That's something that I've never thought about till today um while researching for this particular episode. Um and I can see where all that fits in my life. I can die already just by analyzing what this word truly is and what and how to practice this this way of being will benefit me. Definitely strengthen my relationships with uh since I'm already an active listener, um uh applying what I know, applying what I heard um effectively, of course. And yeah, it's uh it's been an eye-opener, it's been an eye-opener. Um, if difference is a skill, how do we get better at it? And of course it starts with uh simple choices and daily practice. Like I stated before, uh practicing mindful listening. Um what we can do uh in our next conversation, make a conscious effort to listen, to understand, not to reply. Focus on the other person's words, body language, and tone. Ask clarifying questions instead of making statements. This is a powerful daily exercise and difference. Number two, identify and honor expertise. Actively seek out mentors and experts in your life. Consciously practice deferring to their knowledge and wisdom in the area of expertise. When they speak, listen intently. When they offer advice, take it serious. Right there in my daily life, I can honestly say, I don't really have a lot of mentors like at all. And that might be where I'm falling short on and multiple things in my life, right? Uh not to say that I'm not doing well or I don't have things to uh to be proud of. Um but it's one of those things where the certain aspects in my life, um, let's just say for my career, I can definitely use a mentor and don't have one. Let's just say in my marriage, I can definitely use a mentor and don't have one. So um just with hearing that out loud and me saying it out loud, like I said, we're doing the research for the for this episode. Um, I see that there's some work that needs to be done within me. So I don't I can learn from others and not go through the uh the hardships that they gone through and all of those uh and both of those examples, but that's just me. Number three, ask more questions. A simple way to show difference and humility is to make fewer statements and ask more questions. Instead of saying, here's my idea, try. What are your thoughts on this? Or how would you approach this? This puts the focus on the other person and opens the door to new insights. And last but not least, acknowledge others' contributions. Make a habit of publicly acknowledging the wisdom or experience of others. Saying things like, that's a great point, thanks for sharing, or I've learned so much from your experience in this area. This is a powerful act of difference that builds trust and strengthens relationships. Ultimately, difference is a profound sign of a secure and humble person. It is the strength to put your ego aside for the sake of learning, growth, and the greater good. It is the wisdom to know that true power is not found in being the loudest voice, but in being the most respected one. Thank you for joining me on Dear Court in the West Podcast. Until next time, may you have the courage to listen, the ability to learn, and the wisdom to be differential.