12. Sharing What it's like to be LGBTQ+

This week, I interview my partner, Angie, and we share our experiences from childhood until now on what it's like for us to be a part of the lgbtq+ community.

The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic

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Transcript

0:41

Clearly. Beloved, welcome back to this week's episode. I'm so excited to have you all here and I'm pretty excited for this week's guest. which is by popular demand. Back when I first started the podcast, I asked who or what topics you all would like to see on here, and quite a few of you requested that my partner be on the podcast, which you ask and shall receive, I guess So here with me today is my partner, Angie. Hey, what's up? Every. Angie, will you please say hello and introduce yourself through pronouns? Yeah. Hello everybody. I'm Angie. I'm Anna's partner. That is probably the most important title ever. Um, my pronouns are she her, and yeah, I'm excited to be here. Yeah, thanks for interrupting your busy basketball training in March Madness. March Madness games are going. Yeah, it's a buzzing. I know. Thanks things. Being with us here today? No, it's half time right now, so. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. Well, since most of the folks listening probably don't know you or how we met, I feel like we should tell'em a little bit of our story, You and I met the old fashioned way, um, through a dating app hinge, so shout out Hinge. Yeah, we met about two and a half-ish year, well over two and a half years ago. We met, um, we didn't make it official for a little bit, but uh, Yeah. Well, I guess she would say that I was being difficult because she was trying to make moves and I was being difficult. and I think that was because that was a little bit, I wasn't out to anyone yet, so, and you weren't being difficult, like, like a nuisance. I was just like trying to crack the code and see if you were gay. Like, I was just trying to like, or were you just someone that wanted some attention? You know, I just didn't know and I was trying to crack that code. And you were just like, You were just answering questions like point blank and not like, Oh, again, no. Point blank, not point blank. No, no, no, no. She was flirty. But like again, was she straight girl flirty or like gay girl? Flirty? I don't know. So it was a code. I had a crack and if you don't know the answer to the code, she's gay girl. Flirty, So yes. And then we had our first date in the middle of winter, in the middle of nowhere and in the middle of me not telling. A soul where I was or who I was seeing. So yeah. Um, PSA for everyone out there, you need to tell at least one person that you're going on a date with someone you've never met before, and where that, that location is just an fyi Yes, would recommend. I don't recommend my method, but uh, I was, I was doing what I could at the time. But you recommended the result, right? Yeah. Yes, I did ask you out for a second date, 10. Okay, well that's unimportant. But I would say things, things went pretty well from there. And it was also still like when like Covid was really serious and so we were spending a lot of time at each other's houses, which I think kind of spended along also. Yeah, for sure. And then, uh, six months later, we moved in together. Yeah. Or I moved in with you. Can anyone say lesbianism? You are Now and now like you said, we've been together for like technically like two and a half years. Yeah. Like over two and a half years. Technically if we talk about when we started talking. But dating wise, about two and a half. Yeah. Um, feels like 10 in a good way. In lesbian 10. Yes. And like in a good way. Not like, oh my God, we've been together forever. Yeah. No, it's been fun. I hope so. But, uh, we, we can't be too sappy here on this podcast. We gotta, we gotta give, we gotta give facts knowledge, important info. So of course I wanted to have Angie because she's my partner and she's great, but I thought that it would be a very, I thought that we both had things to bring to the table in the sense that we're both part of the LGBTQ community and. I think that we both have experiences to share with people that like, similar to how I couldn't understand someone else's identity that's different from mine unless I hear them out. Um, you know, I think that there's people here who don't necessarily know what it's like being a queer person living in the world we do today. So I just wanted to. Have us both share our experiences a little bit so that, you know, people walk away with a greater understanding of what it's like. So, Angie, I'm sure this is your favorite subject. Oh, love it. But please, share with the people anything you'd like to as far as what your experiences have been. Yeah. Well I feel like with most people in the LGBTQ community, you probably have experiences like a laundry list of experiences that you've gone through. So I won't go through, you know, too many or spend too much time on it. But, one of the main things for those of you out there that have no idea what I look like, you're missing out but I, you know, came out of the room looking gay as hell. Uh, short haircut for a long, long time, masculine clothing. Just like your typical mask, lesbian. Nailed it to a tea, I think But, um, and yeah, and I was very fortunate growing up that my parents allowed me to, Be me and I was very determined to be me. So, for a very early, early age I looked this way with a little resistance. Oh. I mean, yeah, it was a little resistance. Like they tried to, like, they encouraged it while also being like, are you sure But there's definitely no. Cool them trying to force me into dresses or anything like that, they would ask and I would be like, Nope. And they'd be like, are you sure? And I'd be like, yes. And they'd be like, okay. So I'm very grateful that my parents allowed me to be me. But, um, yeah, it, and then, but I've looked this way forever. And um, with that has come pros and cons, right? Like you're living your authentic. Self and you feel authentic to yourself, but the world, and there's definitely a, a perception that, you know, the way you look. And I, for me anyways, I am uber aware of how I look in the world. Like I'm uber aware of the way I'm presented, and I have been from a really early age just because you. just like, I'm sure a lot of people out there that look like me, it's, you know, pulled out of bathrooms, kicked out of bathrooms, screamed at for, you know, going into ladies, anything like, just things of that nature. I went to a Catholic school growing up. We had to wear a skirt on Wednesdays, which I hated and. It was, what was the skirt? Pink. It was maroon plaid. Oh, disgusting. But that's besides the point. Um, and it was more common to hear why is a boy wearing a skirt? Mm-hmm. rather than, oh, there's a girl with short hair. So it was like, just a lot of things like that. So I was, I'm, I've been very aware of my looks and in every situation and. Yeah. Again, two, two sides of the sword, right? Like I, what uncomfortability do I want to choose? Do I want to be authentic to myself, but then be uncomfortable in public or just hyper aware of how people perceive me? Or do I want to be inauthentic to myself and grow my hair out and wear makeup and wear, you know, more feminine clothing and just not feel comfortable being me, but be accepted in, in society and. and I'm not even necessarily like saying society to a T 24 7. always acts one way to me, but I'm just super hyper aware of the possibility, the potential, like holding your hand in public. I'm hyper aware of what that looks like. Like everything I do, I'm hype. Like I have, like, this might be tmi, but like I plan my bathroom breaks accordingly. Like, I make sure, like I plan to drink water hours before I have to go in public so I don't have to go to the bathroom or like, I just say, screw the water today. Like, we can't do it you know, because that's easier for me than to risk running into a person in the bathroom that's like, what are you doing in here? Or, kids, which I love, you know, kids are, but they don't have a filter and like they question everything and you walk in and it's like, mommy. And you know, so it's, I would rather avoid that. So it's just like little, like I'm, again, I'm just super aware of how I present in public and I just have to take a lot of extra and they're not necessarily necessary. They're just necessary in my mind to. confrontation because I will avoid that like the plague, let me tell you that. So yeah, that's like, I mean, I can go into specifics, but I don't, I mean, everyone has, you know, stories along that line, I'm sure of one way or another. And yeah, that's just the, the main thing for me is that things in my past have led me to have such a hyper-awareness of the way I look in the world and the way that can be perceived. consequences of that. Hmm. Throwing it back to you. Yeah. Yeah. Well thanks for sharing that. How would you say like your overall coming out experience was? Well, it's funny cuz like I, again, I look this way out of the womb, but I didn't really realize, connect the dots that I was gay until, you know, around high school. Um, I always thought I was gonna live alone, have a dog, be my own person. So I mean, everyone knew, but except for me, no one wanted to clue me in, which was annoying, but it's what it is. I am someone who hates coming out, and I think that's another thing that sometimes people don't realize is, and it's not like a one time thing and you're good to go. Mm-hmm. like it could, I'm getting my haircut and I have to be like, you know, it could be a new hairstylist. And I could be like, okay, I'm going for this. And then they're asking me like, how's your weekend? things like that. And like, I have to choose, do I wanna say I'm hanging out with my girlfriend? Do I wanna go down that route? Like it's, you know, it's just like an everyday, it's an everyday thing. So, um, and I just, I just don't like it. I don't like coming out, even though I look the way I do, I'm basically, I come out when I walk out of the house. So when I came out to my mom and I had a sit down conversation. I was 24, 25, like she had known. This is not new information. I had been dating girls, um, again, not new information, but I had sat down with her and we were just kind of going back and forth, just talking. And I had brought up like, um, something along the fact of like, I don't know, does it bother you that I'm this way? And she was, my mom's really good at like getting information out. So she was like, well, what are you talking about, And I was like, come on now. I, I do remember she was super accepting and I do remember, um, basically the line that she told me was, cause I was like, I, I, you know, I feel like everyone said this line at one point or another, like I really prayed that it would go away. And she like stopped me in my tracks and was. you can pray for courage and strength to be yourself, but never prayed away because like you're basically telling God he made a mistake and the last thing you are is a mistake. So I felt like even though my parents are very Christian and they're, they're Catholic, and they're very deep in their faith, that I did feel a sense of no matter what my parents, you know, support me and love me. they love Anna. So it's been a good deal and I've been very, very, very fortunate on that aspect. But as far as like coming out in general, hate it. Mm-hmm. like, it, it's like, unfortunately it's necessary, but like, ugh. Such a drag, It's exhausting. Yeah. Yeah. Retweet that. Very true. Well, thank you for, for sharing that. I think it's just like, it's so interesting. Obviously I lived most of my life in the closet too, even though I think I knew maybe a little earlier than you. I don't know but, uh, things that like, I wouldn't have ever thought about at that time in my life. Yeah, I would say similar to Angie, you know, a whole, a whole laundry list. Mm-hmm. just so many things that I could talk about, but similarly, went to a Christian school. You escaped it a little bit earlier than I did, which is, yeah. And luckily I went to Catholic school and luckily they, you. didn't really shove much down your throat other than education. And in that they did, I was zoning out anyways, so I didn't really feel the being gay is wrong through school or anything like that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's nice. Sorry, I You, I skip that. I know. Sorry. Thank you so much, No, so my experience. I went to a very, very conservative, strict Christian school that did in fact, legitimately teach us that if you were gay, you were like bound to die young. And it was like a very terrible sin. And, um, things like that. And, I know I've already mentioned on the podcast a handful of times, but my dad is also a pastor. Mm-hmm. so that makes it fun. I also in that time, watched my older brother get forced out of the closet. Um, And that was really painful to watch cuz it, my dad did not handle it well, obviously. and a lot of terrible things happened there. But also grateful in the sense that because I got to see that, I knew that I had to like hide it extra well and wait until I was safe to come out. But I think that because I had so many like strong religious ties, since coming out, it has been like just never ending of people reaching out and trying to send me books or Bible verses or, Hey girl, can we get coffee? Like, I just like, I'm just not in like, I don't know, like I don't know what to think about gay people. Like can you just explain it to me? And that still happens to this day, even though I've been out for. not quite two years, but somewhere around there. Yeah, it's, it's just a lot of like trying to defend who I am and like Andy said, like a constant battle of am I gonna come out, you know, during this wedding or whatever. Like, I remember actually a wedding I shot last year. It was kind of like a last minute switch around and I was shooting with a, a new second shooter that I'd never met before and we worked the whole day together. Um, and I was like, pretty cautious, but like not sharing anything. And then we were like sitting down for our like quick 10 minute dinner break and he was like, yeah, you know, Talking about his faith and whatever, and then he was like, I'm, but I'm not actually really even like convinced that like gay people are wrong, as if he was like so cool and like radical. And I had to like decide in that moment like, am I gonna stand up for myself? Or like, am I just going to pretend it never happened? So yeah, a lot of stuff like that happening. How did. Come on, give us the tea. What'd you do? Um, I told him, I was like, well, that's great to hear because I am gay. And he just stared at me and it wa it was real awkward the rest of the night. So fun times. Yeah. I recommend being gay clear with Yeah. And obviously this is not to say that like we haven't also experienced like a ton of love and support. Absolutely. Like, we definitely have that in our life. but it's, it's just like you can't compare it to a traditional heteronormative relationship because it's, these are things. those people never have to think about. Yeah. Um, no, for sure. So I'd also like to ask you a little bit too, on, since we've been together for quite a while now, what the experience has been like with us being together. What It's been great. you know, you know, come on now. I think for me again, it's just like the hyperawareness. It's so easy for me to be us and to be relaxed and, comfortable inside our home. And, and when we go out in public, I just, I feel myself tensing up a little more. Um, Anna loves holding hands. I don't mind it. I like holding hands too. I like holding hands. but it's like you're just so aware of it out in public. Like when she grabs my hand or I grab hers, like it is a conscious like, okay, we're doing this thing and we're holding it, and we're like, it's just, I don't know how to exactly explain it other than. you're aware of everything you have to decide when you're sitting down at dinner. Is it better for us to look like we're dating or is it better for us to look like we're friends? Unfortunately, I make it look like we're always dating, um, again, the way I look. But, um, that's just something that again, you're just hyper aware of. You're every, every, every moment out in public, which sometimes. makes you tense. Sometimes it's like, and it's annoying because I would, and then again, this is something that I just need to personally work on too. Like, I would give anything, just be totally present, carefree, like locked in to you and what we're doing. But there's always like that little, looking around. Mm-hmm. are we safe? Are we good? And, and not, and I don't want people to think safe as in like all of a sudden someone's gonna come up and have a hate crime. Mm-hmm. like, that's not necessarily, it's am I strong enough to withstand the disgusted looks? Mm-hmm. and the eye rolls and the, the looking me up and down and questioning mm-hmm. what we're doing. It's, it's more the passive aggressive. constant double takes and stuff like that, that it just kind of sometimes hits your confidence a little bit. Mm-hmm. it makes you self conscious of who you are and what you're doing and Yeah. So I don't, sometimes I feel like people think that when we say the word safe, it means that like, oh, we feel like we're gonna be physically harmed. Mm-hmm. And while that is the case in some areas, in some instances, I've never had to deal with physical harm. I'm very grateful for that. But for me, safe just means like, can I be myself without all this, what feels like eyes on me kind of thing? I would just say for me, mainly it's just again, the hyperawareness of who we are, as individuals, as a couple, the way we present out in the. but yeah, we've had a couple weird experiences, and you wanna explain those, but Yeah. No, I think you worded that really well. It's super fun. And also just like you said, Doubting what you're doing is also still sometimes for me, like still to this day, like, oh my gosh, I'm going to hell, I'm going to hell right now. like, even though I, that's not the case. Yeah, speaking of hell, one of our, one of our top tier experiences I think would be that, Whew. Without getting too specific here, in a former living situation that I was in, I had Angie over for like, what was supposed to just be like a chill hang night. We were gonna have like a bonfire and just like hang out. And my roommates at the time decided to join us and basically the bonfire turned into like an attempt of. Of them trying to like, convert us and like save our souls lowkey tell us that we should like reconsider our path and whatnot. So that was super fun. That was great time. It's uh, what's, what's the infamous words? That's just not what God intends for you. Oh yeah. I didn't say that at the bottom, but that's like the general. That's not what we, that's not what God intends for you. God has, God has better things. Yeah. yeah, just like you said, like that's a perfect example of like, when we meet new people, it's hard to not have that in your brain of like, are these people gonna be those kinds of people where we're unsafe or are they gonna be like, chill and we're safe? Mm-hmm. No, I will say meeting new people is like a fear of mine. And whether we're together or apart, like, again, I don't mean to make it all about me, but like, I, I do, look, I am not your typical female, although I identify, you know, she, her, uh, female. so like, again, you know, I work. the industry of kids and high schoolers and little ones and stuff like that, and parents, and sometimes they don't see a picture. What do you do, Angie? Oh, what do I do? I'm a basketball trainer. I, I sick. Yeah, I save the world from ugly basketball. So if you see any ugly basketball, it's just cuz they haven't seen me yet. but yeah, so I, like, I meet, new clients and parents quite often. That's when like driving to the gym is when I'm filled with the most anxiety. Cause I'm like, have they seen my picture before? Mm-hmm. do they know who they're meeting or are they gonna be caught off guard? And yeah, I've definitely had a lot of instances where people think I'm a guy and that's like a weird guy and like, call me, sir. Which again, it's, it's whatever, but like, well, I mean, I guess not whatever, but like it's whatever, you know. Mm-hmm. but it's. That's what's on my mind going into new sessions, not, oh, okay, this is what we're gonna do and blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I'm going in anxious about them seeing me for the first time. Mm-hmm. which, yeah, that's just like not fun. And again, I can do things on my part to ease that and, and work on that. Just being more comfortable with who I am and letting things slide off my back. But, Yeah. So when it comes to us together, again, it's a very, who's safe, who's not safe? What is this first interaction gonna be like? Is it gonna be awkward? Are people, which has happened before with Anna and I, people mistaking me as your brother and oh God, you know, things like, of that nature. And then it's like an awkward, like, no, this isn't my brother. And then it's like, oh, is your your boyfriend? And then it's like, no, like, and it's just like, Awkward After awkward, after awkward, and my face blows up like a balloon. Redness wise. So like, and when it does that and it constantly, it doesn't matter what the situation is, someone could gimme a compliment. Someone could just say, Hey, Angie's red face, and then my eyes swell with tears for whatever real reason, odd reason, not real reason. super real, super. So it's just like, then I look like I'm about to cry, but I'm not. I'm fine. And I'm like, I'm fine man. Look like I'm about to cry. And it's just like, like if you were to see me right now, like my face is super red and like I feel like my eyes are really watery for no reason I can GI bro. Oh, thanks dude. Mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, so it's just like things like that where it's like, damn, meeting new people sucks sometimes. Mm-hmm. But it's also, you wanna meet new people. also, shall I risk it or should I watch Netflix tonight? Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's, that just brought to mind too, like we just moved into a new house. So like we have neighbors and we're like planning to chill here for a minute and um, yeah, a couple weeks ago when I was shoveling all the enormous amounts of snow we get here. One of, uh, like he was a older male neighbor that came over and, started talking to me and like, we had just met each other and he was like, well, where's your husband? You, you must have a husband. You must have one of those. And it's just like, yeah, just never ending mind race of. This is potential outcome, a, if I say this and potential outcome B if I say that. So like, gotta make a decision. Like he's staring at me, like what do I say? Guess it's been an experience since we've been together. Yeah. Because yeah, it's like now I do have a partner. Mm-hmm. and I don't wanna be like putting myself back in the closet either, like who wants to do that? So yeah. Before I had a partner, um, it's very easy, like going out in public more so because I somehow like, I don't know, convinced myself of like, No one can prove that I'm gay. I don't have a partner. Like, but you're gonna look at my haircut and assume you're correct. But like you have no real evidence other than my haircut to back it up. And now that I have a partner, I'm like, oh my God, I'm gay. And like people know and like So it's just like, it's weird. And like that small thing of having a, like even if I go out in public now without you, I'm still. Again, hyper aware I'm gay. Whereas like before I met you, before I was seeing anyone, when I would go out in, in public, like in college, that was less of a thought of like, oh, people are gonna assume I'm gay. People might assume that I'm a dude, but not that I'm gay. Hmm. And like, because I didn't have a partner, there's no proof. Mm-hmm. So like, it's kind of weird how like one little. I got a partner and all of a sudden I'm like self-conscious that I'm gay out in public. Mm-hmm. Yeah. if we have not convinced you on this podcast to be gay, I don't know what else will like at this point. Yeah, Yeah. It's a fun time. Yeah. No, I, I do appreciate you sharing that and it's, I don. It's just like a reminder for me too that I like even have a different experience from you. Yeah, to your point, like we're not trying to be Debbie Downers here. Yeah, no. We're just, there are a lot of perks to being Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's the right choice for sure. Cuz it's definitely a choice. It's totally a choice. Yep. Satire folks, if you don't know. Yeah. It's not trying to be negative here. I don't think that's the goal of this podcast at all. But the goal of this podcast is to be informative and for us all to be learning things together. And so I know there's so many people out there, like so many vendors and allies who truly want to do good and and want to be loving, but it's still maybe sometimes hard if you're unaware of like some of the things that people in the community. go through. Um, and obviously like we're just like one very small sliver of the community. Mm-hmm. like we can't speak for, for people who have had different experiences than us. But I just felt like we, we have this insight and I wouldn't be doing my job if we didn't share like some of the things that we experience that kind of shape. Yeah. You know, how we live our life. And it's kinda, it's also eye opening for me too, because just like my experiences are different than yours, like your experiences are different than mine and you still have experiences. I mean, I don't wanna like pigeonhole you, but you can at times be quote unquote straight passing. Mm-hmm. And in my mind I'm like, oh, you are so freaking lucky. Like, but I feel like you've had a lot of stories that are, you know, equally as unpleasant. Whether you're at a wedding and someone's hitting on you, like a dude's hitting on you and you have to decide in that moment, do I tell them? I have a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. Because you know, you've had people that are like, oh, well you just haven't been with the right guy yet. Or, you know, gross shit like that where it's, you know, you're also in an unsafe environment and. And those situations again, luckily have never happened to me. I'm surprised cuz of the way I look. I would've thought every man would be knocking down my door But it's fine. It's whatever, it's like, it's again a good learning. Cuz again, in my mind I'm like, wow, you're so lucky. Like, you can go into a women's bathroom. How does it feel? Mm-hmm. But at the same time I'm like, you come home and you tell me like these horror stories and I'm like, you. Okay. I can hold my pee I'd rather not experience that. so it's, you know, again, we're a small sliver for sure, and it even helps us to hear other people's stories who, cuz there's billions and millions of stories out there, so, yeah. Like we said, hopefully we've convinced you to be gay at this point, but, um, Yeah. We just thank you for, for hearing some of our stories and again, I, our hope is that you don't walk away like feeling sad or anything, but just purely like learning someone else's experience. and hopefully for those like vendors or allies out there listening, like you're just able to understand that On a wedding day, for example, if there are two women or you know, some non-binary folks getting married, like they are showing up as so much more than that. And that's why it's so important to create those safe spaces that we were talking about. So anyway, yeah. before we keep being depressing Yeah. let's wrap it up here, Angie. Is there anything else you would like to share with the audience? Um, yeah, well, be gay is number one. Um, and if you are gay, you're definitely not alone. For all those folks out there who, identify as, an LGBTQ community, I would recommend. um, having a photographer that's also in the community, and I'm not trying to like give a plug here, but wildly connected photography. Um, thanks babe. Yeah, got you. But I think it makes a huge difference cuz we've had, you know, different photo shoots. And again, if you're someone like me, who's hyper aware of the way you look and present in the world, the last thing you want is, Feeling tense during the photos because you don't know what people are thinking. And we've had a couple experiences with that where I'm like, I'm already a little tense behind, you know, in front of the camera. Also there's a lot of people walking by, are they judging me? Are they like, mm-hmm. what is this? This is so gross. That's disgusting. Like, mm-hmm. the last thing I want is the photographer to also be like, I'm getting a paycheck, but like, I'm closing my eyes cause like, I can't stand this. Hopefully it's a good picture. Yeah. I just like recommend you if you ever feel the way Anna and I have talked about as far as like hyper aware of how we present in the world, I would recommend the importance of having someone that sees you and got you and you're, you're safe and comfortable with them. Mm-hmm. And if it's wildly connected photography, I wouldn't be surprised. yeah, I definitely paid her to say that. Yeah. Gotta make that money somehow. Yes. Well, clearly, beloved, thank you so much for joining us on this week's episode, and thank you, Angie. I know you gotta, you gotta get back to all your basketball, whatnot. Um, and I will see you all here next week.