Moral of the story here is that it's a little different from everyone. BUT! There's certainly nuances and things that lgbtq+ couples may have to think through that no one else does and it's important to call those out and have conversation. I hope you enjoy!
Sources:
Vogue
The Knot
Human Rights Campaign
BBC
Science Direct
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Moral of the story here is that it's a little different from everyone. BUT! There's certainly nuances and things that lgbtq+ couples may have to think through that no one else does and it's important to call those out and have conversation. I hope you enjoy!
Sources:
Vogue
The Knot
Human Rights Campaign
BBC
Science Direct
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
We dearly beloved welcome back to this week's episode. I hope you are all doing well. And that the start of your 2024 has been. Going amazing. It's crazy that. We're basically already one 12th of the way through the year. So. That's always fun to think about, but. Yes, I hope at the end of the day, everything's been off to a great start for you. And. If goals and or resolutions are your thing, that those are going well. And if they're not then great, you do you. You're amazing as is. So, yeah. I am very excited to chat about this topic. Although I do think that it can be a little bit tricky and nuanced. So I want to just keep that in mind throughout the entirety. Of this week's episode. I think anytime you talk about like finances and budgeting and all of that big thing, big feelings can come up on top of the fact that. Of course, this is already nuanced because I think things just can look and operate differently naturally within the queer community. So just wanting to kind of put that out there that I think this episode. Is going to maybe hit everybody a little bit differently, but I'm hoping that it just gives. Queer couples and particular things to chat about with each other and maybe within their support networks. And for those that are outside of the queer community, that it just kind of gives you. And unique and interesting perspective when thinking about. Maybe you working with your queer clients and, and how this could look differently for them. So. Yeah, I just, I was actually thinking about this the other day, because I remember. I was in like 10th grade when my oldest sibling got married, which was kind of the big, first wedding experience I really had. And at the time they were actually living in New York. And planning for the wedding to be back in Minnesota. And I remember that being the case because There. Now a mother-in-law was saying that, you know, it's tradition for. The bride, which that term no longer applies, but the bride to get married in her hometown. And I just remember there being a lot of phone calls between her and my mom about all of these kinds of rules and regulations that applied to the wedding and. You know, the bride's mom is supposed to do this and the groom is supposed to do that. And. I just remember thinking it was all very interesting. Like I had, that was the first time that I was really exposed to that. And I thought it was so interesting that there were so many. Different boxes to check on either side. And that, that was just what you were supposed to do. Like, I was like, I just remember being like, wow. Huh? Had no idea that they were this complicated. Fast forward, you know, 10 years later. And I'm well aware that weddings can be super complicated in a lot of ways. But, yeah, I was just thinking about that and then thinking about how, obviously there's no old traditions or customs to rely on for queer couples to have those kinds of. Conversations with their families. And so again, with the disclaimer, I'm not necessarily about these old traditions and customs. Like to me, I do think that this conversation is really honestly unique and. You know, it should be. The conversation really has to be. Based on the couple that's getting married and their particular situation and their particular family situation. And so. I do think that there is something interesting to be said about like where these traditions come from and what they are. So I want them to just touch on that before kind of. Moving into what conversations can look like for the LGBTQ community. So. And a lot of my research. The bride's family and kind of his quote, unquote, both to pay for the wedding or majority of the wedding. And a lot of that is just thought to yet, again, be tied to. The dowery and the father having to kind of pay for that. And so naturally he would sort of just pay for the wedding as well. And when I was doing other research kind of looking for exactly what things are supposed to be split, it did seem like there was a little bit of variation in terms of like what the groom's family pays for versus the bride. But overall it does look like. The bride's family pays for a lot of the bag, like wedding things like invitations. Flowers, ceremony stuff. A lot of vendors, transportation. Photographers things like that. Whereas it seemed more like the groom's family would pay for like, The reception pieces, the DJ, the alcohol, and usually they're the ones who are in charge of planning and paying for the rehearsal dinner. Or the groom dinner as. A lot of people. So call it. So that was kind of just like the overall big traditional split. So. That is shifting a little bit, these days. The not data study and kind of found out that it's looking more 50, 50 these days where 49% of couples are paying for their wedding. And then the family is paying the rest. So about 51%. So it is kind of cool to see that there is even just sort of that shift happening. Of. Of course, like if your parents can pay for it and they're on board for you getting to have the day you want, like great. You do that SIS, but. If that's not the case, which I don't think it's the case for a lot of folks, then. I just think it's cool that there's even that room to kind of change the expectation of how and what things are being paid for. So obviously those things. Don't apply to queer couples. If there's not one bride in one groom. I think really the idea here is that. There's just. No framework. Like I could easily see Like even if a queer couple has super supportive parents. I could see the mom, you know, at midnight being like, what, what am I Googling? Like, what am I supposed to be paying for? If my daughter is marrying a woman unit. Like I could totally see that in my head and having no framework to go off of that for And so think. I think it's just like a, this is a necessary conversation. To be had, because I think. That it can feel a little bit scary. Well, I think in general, this conversation can feel scary, right? Like talking about money or contributions or things like that can already feel a little bit intimidating, but then the added factor of like, I don't even know like what we're supposed to be talking to our parents about. And so again, I think that it's super goes back to like every couple needs to have a chat with each other about their own family dynamics and what their support systems looked like. And so I did actually really want to, once again, pull from my community. And so I asked. All of my followers, if for the queer folks here. Who have gotten married or are actively planning what that sort of looked like for you as far as how contributions went. And it does reflect this idea that. It's so different for everybody because there was such a wide variety of answers. Everything from. The dollar amount or, or no dollars that were contributed. There were so many different responses. And so I think that just goes to show that. It's. As I said before, like it's totally unique to each queer couple. But I think that this conversation needs to go a little bit beyond that. Go beyond just like assigning roles and like assigning another set of boxes for parents or support for years to be put into. But I think it's really important to call out that this conversation. Is different. Not only because the people getting married are in a different kind of relationship, but also because support for queer couples can look entirely different than what it can look like for CIS straight couples. In that either one. They may not have any support from their family or community. I think that's the sad reality for a lot of folks that there's just, no, there's nowhere to turn. If they do want to get married. They may just not have people in their life that want to support. And or if they do have support, it's not necessarily from people that are in a position to financially contribute like that. Additionally, when I was researching for this episode, I w I wanted to do a little bit of digging and just kind of see. I think this could be like a whole other side tangent or a whole other episode, but I have heard this idea. That sometimes, you know, the queer community is a marginalized group. And I wanted to see if that had any sort of effect on. Income gaps or the amount of money that queer couples on average were making, because that can make a big difference on how paying for your wedding goes to right. So. I have a ton of resources that I found that I will be linking in the show notes to a couple of different studies. But I did want to read something that I wanted to read something that is a part of the study that the human rights campaign did. So they say our analysis of salary data from almost 7,000 LGBTQ plus full-time workers found that LGBTQ plus workers earn approximately 89 cents for every dollar earned in the week by the typical worker in the us. Disparities we're even more pronounced for LGBTQ women, transgender men and women and LGBTQ people of color. Though we did not assess the underlying reasons for this disparity. It is likely that discrimination is playing a role. One-third of LGBTQ workers. Say they have experienced discrimination in the workplace. With 29% of LGBTQ people, 37% black respondents, and more than half of transgender respondents. Say this discrimination had significantly impacted their financial wellbeing. So, and other studies too, there were things mentioned that. Those that I identified as LGBTQ or queer. We're less likely to graduate high school or attend further education than their straight peers. And so I think that's just really important to call out right. That there are other factors. That can sometimes be working against the community. That make paying for bank things like weddings, even harder. And I think that just, yeah, it just needs to be called out. I just think it's such like a big and important conversation to be had because. For, for folks like us in the community, not only is it sort of that initial fear of not knowing if parents or support people will be willing to contribute, but on top of that, there's just, there can be so many other factors working against them. And this is all on top of, to the stress and the pressure of. Inquiring with vendors and trying to figure out if it vendors are friendly and accepting. Right. So there's just so many things. That can be a factor for stress when planning your wedding. I think for those of you listening that are outside of the community, I just hope that you walk away understanding that there are, there are extra barriers and extra stressors. For queer couples in planning their wedding. And I hope that you can just show up with a little bit of extra kindness and understanding and compassion for these couples, knowing that. There may be so many other things going on. And for those that don't have to deal with these extra nuances and things like that, just. You got a good I'm jealous. But yeah, I think it's just a, it's a really, really important thing to be thinking about. Because. Yeah, it's, it's already such a hard conversation. And when you have all of these things kind of working against you, that can make it even more stressful and intimidating. So given that there are so many nuances and things that may apply to queer couples, I just felt it was an important to call this out because. I wanted to let those of you in the community know that you are not alone. And I also wanted to give you some ideas of ways for, you know, alternative support and things like that. So for those listening who don't have support, maybe it's because, you know, people. Don't agree or don't support with your quote unquote lifestyle, whatever it may be, or maybe you do have support, but the people in your life just aren't in a position to. Support you financially. I think that it's really cool and awesome to involve people still, because then you still get some amount of help and it still makes them feel like they are supporting you. And they're actively being a part of your life. And so. Just some alternative ideas I had was that, you know, you could invite people to help you with things like. Making the decor or signage or any of those DIY projects you have to do, or you can invite them into helping you set up your day. Set up that same day course set up the tables, help you make bouquets, whatever, whatever those kinds of things rope them into that. Maybe they can also just be an emotional support person for you when you feel stressed. In the midst of planning, everything, you know, maybe there's someone that's just there that you can call when you're like. This is so much, and they can be there to listen to you event. And. They could also be somebody that helps you figure out if vendors are LGBTQ plus affirming. And be ready to beat up anyone who isn't just kidding. This is a non violent podcast, but also not really kidding that much. But I do know that there is that element of like, You know how sometimes it's like easy to order. It's easier to order someone else's food at a restaurant than it is your own. Or like, it's easy to ask a question that doesn't pertain to you the whole, like asking for a friend thing, you know, so maybe you can be that person for the queer people in your life. Just like. Ascot. You know, do the research for your friends or reach out to the vendors. On behalf of your friends, so that in the event that they aren't LGBTQ friendly, like the actual people getting married, don't have to take that blow. And the last idea that I had was maybe there, you and your partner can discuss the possibility of having some sort of crowdfunding. I know that has become a little bit more popular over the years. I've seen people do it for their honeymoon, which I think is great. Like people could contribute to a honeymoon. I think it's also, I have seen a few queer couples do this. But they have it go to like a baby fund. So that one there. Are starting to plan their family, maybe looking at adoption or surrogacy or IVF or all those different things. The crowdfund goes to that, or maybe it's, you know, for a future home that can help start your next chapter. Things like that. I think those are really awesome ways that are like, Super like super practical, but also just like. An amazing way to show support. So definitely discuss what that could look like for you guys. And at the end of the day, Like weddings can just be something that costs. They do cost a lot of money. I think the national average is still something between like 30 and$50,000 per wedding. So just make sure that you and your partner partner are chatting and connecting on what makes sense for you to pitch into your own wedding. And then it's things that align with you and make you truly feel excited about your day. Whether it's something really big or something really small or in between whatever it. It is. I just hope that you two feel really great about it. The very last thing that I wanted to say. Before kind of wrapping this conversation up on money, was that. There is another form of nuance in this conversation that I just want couples to be aware of. When you are talking with parents or other support people. About financial contributions. If the supplies. I encourage you to really try to be super open and honest with them. Because unfortunately, sometimes. If money is being gifted to you or given to you, it can come with strings attached or expectations as far as what to do with that money. Which I know some people may find very reasonable and not to say that it's like entirely unreasonable. Just to say, like, please be super open and honest with those people as far as what that means, because. I don't want those, those expectations or those strings that are attached to that money to be things that. Ultimately, it could be unsafe or hurtful to who you are and who you love. You know, like, just for example, the, the kind of, of, of officiant that. Your parents may expect you to have, or if they give you money, then they expect you to get married at a church or institution that feels scary or harmful to you. Or they want you to hire this one vendor that they think is perfect for you, but maybe doesn't have the same values as you, those kinds of things. So, I just want you to be sure that you're being super open and honest. With those people who are giving contributions and, and seeing what those expectations are and making sure that they aren't going to be harmful to you in the long run. So. In wrapping up the conversation. I know that weddings can be stressful. And I hope that this episode didn't add more stress, but if it did I truly apologize and just take a second to. Take a deep breath. And know that it's all gonna be okay. And really, I'm just hoping that this episode opens up bigger conversations about how we can. Support fellow queer folks. Who may have different amounts of support in their life? Around their wedding season. And also that it just opens up really great conversation between the queer folks who are listening with you and your partner. What support is going to look like for you? And, and how you want to involve people in your day that are, or not contributing financially. So. Thank you to everybody who shared your experience with me. That was super awesome. I know it can be vulnerable to do that. And. Yeah, that is all I have for you guys this week. And I am so excited to keep connecting with you all next week.