Breaking Free from Guilt and Shame with TESS SCOTT

Have you ever grappled with feelings of shame and guilt and wished you could shed them like a second skin? Tess Scott, Christian speaker, author, and self-proclaimed 'black sheep turned Jesus girl,' joins us to unravel the journey to freedom from shame. Tess courageously shares her personal experiences of overcoming shame and illuminating how Jesus destroyed our shame, and God has forgotten our sins. Armed with wisdom and sincerity, she provides practical tips to help us embrace the power of God and the unique individuals we are.

Navigating relationships, especially with our children, can be like walking a tightrope. Tess draws from her unique experience, offering practical advice on staying married, asking for help, and navigating the murky waters when a child strays from faith. She shares her personal journey of being the 'black sheep' in her family and how prayer can be our anchor in stormy times. 

In the latter part of our conversation, Tess highlights the necessity of reading and ruminating on the word of God. She offers insightful advice on enhancing this practice into daily routine, leveraging technology to our advantage. Amplifying the importance of knowing how God views us, she shows us a new way to see our reflections in the mirror. 

To wrap it up, Ruth Hovsepian shares her journey of encouraging women to shed their shame and never pick it up again. A conversation that promises to leave you feeling enlightened and free from the shackles of guilt and shame.

So, tune in, take a step closer to the freedom that comes from shedding guilt and shame, and remember, you are wonderfully and uniquely made.


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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I start to feel like down about it. Yeah, who do? I think I am standing on this stage talking to women Because I'm that, but God says no, I've called you to this because you are my girl. You are my girl, I made you, so I have to stop it as soon as I think it Is that what God says. No, this is what God says. God says he delights in me.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Hi, I'm Ruth Hubsup. Kim, welcome to the Out of the Darkness podcast, where we help you navigate life's trials based on faith and biblical truths. My guest today is Tess Scott, and we are talking about shame, actually shedding shame, and how we can get rid of the shame from our past, or even if we're dealing with it today. How do we do that? Well, listen in and find out. Welcome to Out of the Darkness, tess. I am so glad to have you back on the show and I am looking forward to our conversation, because this subject of the shame of our past resonates with me. I had to really struggle with that for a while, so I'm looking forward to the subject. Welcome to Out of the Darkness.

Speaker 1: 1:22

Thanks, I love the opportunity to come and talk to you.

Speaker 2: 1:24

Yeah, and I'm glad, as I said, it's a subject that is a bit of a difficult one, because I don't know if many of us want to admit that we are either living in shame or have had to deal with shame. Right, I think I've been told well, you shouldn't be ashamed, this is who you are or were, and God, but you have to overcome that shame, and I want to talk about how we overcome that shame. So what is your take on this part of our life of shame that Satan likes to feed into?

Speaker 1: 2:09

Yeah, Well, it's interesting. I say that I think it's interesting, you know. But I say that I'm Tess Scott, a Christian speaker, an author and Black sheep turned Jesus girl. And now I help other women with messy stories to shed their shame by teaching them who they are in Christ, so they can embrace the power of God in their lives. And so many people are living in shame.

Speaker 1: 2:35

When I first felt called by God to share my story, well, first I said no because I didn't want to do it, like, yeah, someday I'll do that, sure. But I really thought that God wanted me to speak to women who are in this chaos of life. So I have a book that's called Listen, sister, finding Hope in the Freak Show of Life, because life is such a freak show for all of us. So I thought that's what it was. I thought the person that he wanted me to speak to were women who are in the diapers, in the tantrums and all of that stuff.

Speaker 1: 3:11

But as I began to speak to women, the women who came up to me and the women who connected with me that really felt God spoke to them were women who were dealing with shame from their past. And I learned that it's not just the black sheep girls, because when we look at other people, I mean I think this is true. You tell me, ruth, if you think this is true. When we're in a group of people we were just at a conference on the weekend of couples a couples conference and we look at these other couples and I think, wow, they all have their lives together. None of them have the past that I have, which is probably true, but it seems like they've all been married 25 years to the same person and they never get angry and I don't think that they have any shame or regrets from their past. But if we're honest and vulnerable and we hear each other, we learn that that's not true. I think a lot of us are dealing with that.

Speaker 2: 4:15

Yeah, it's interesting about that because I had to go through that a little bit Like I'm a pastor's kid. I grew up in the church and come from that and I always had this looking at other people, always that they had their life together and then when I came back to the Lord and I recommitted my life to the Lord, I always had that shame of these people know what they're doing. Who am I to speak up and to share? And a little bit of it. Now, this is a little bit of a different side of it. But I also have people tell me don't talk about that stuff, just talk about that. You've been through a difficult time.

Speaker 2: 5:04

So that added to my shame, right, because I believe that I should be ashamed. Yes, I am ashamed of what I did, but I'm not that person anymore and I don't believe I live in that shame. But yes, I had to deal with it because I looked at other people and I think that's part of our society, the way we're groomed to compare ourselves to others and say, yeah, they're better than I am. I want to be like them rather than you know, right, the best of me. Who's the best, ruth, right?

Speaker 1: 5:44

And I want to be more like Jesus, exactly Right. So we want to come back to that. I think that, yeah, looking at other people is you know? Obviously that's going to get you in trouble. There's no, I mean, that's never good. It's never a good thing, because you're not seeing who they really are. We don't see their heart right. And there is no guilt, there is no shame with Jesus.

Speaker 1: 6:07

When we're saved, god says he paid for that sin. He took our shame on him. He took it on him, he felt it, he destroyed it. It's gone and God says that he puts our sin behind him. So my sin is behind Almighty God, and when I think I want to feel bad about that I did this in the past I'm going to feel bad about it. I have to say, excuse me, god, would you mind just stepping to the side so I can look at that smelly pile of ugly sin that's already been dealt with? Yeah, oh, it sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, so I want to keep reminding myself that, so I don't keep trying to do it, because sometimes I go back to it so I can feel bad about it again.

Speaker 2: 6:49

Yeah, I think this is Satan's way of really putting a kink into what we're, our walk forward or our walk with the Lord.

Speaker 2: 7:01

And I find that to be true because when I would pray at times and you know when you're in, that you're in really into that, that time with the Lord you know that quiet time and suddenly an image pops in and it's the image of the past and I would stop and it would be like how can I be praying, how can I be in the presence of the Lord? And this is who I am. And that was my fault of saying well, my fault, it was my falling into agreement with Satan to say this is who I am, but I am not that person. And really it took a while and it was really as I got closer to God in my prayers, as I opened up to the Holy Spirit and as I dug deeper into the Word of God that my relationship with him became more solid and I became more confident and I had the confidence to say I was this person and, through Christ, this is what he's done in my life.

Speaker 1: 8:23

Today I am here and I stand, and it's a powerful moment when you realize that yeah, I agree, and we're all dealing with the same, although different situations, the same kind of battle, because we're in a battle, right, so these arrows are coming at us, but an important thing is to be able to recognize that that is not truth, right? So when we hear that, when I hear like well, you are, this girl right, I want to know. That's not true, I want to compare it to truth. And the Word tells us to hold, take every thought captive right, hold on to it and compare it to what is true. Is that true, right? What does God say? I am Right, so, but I don't know if that's true, if I'm not in the Word. Yeah, because the only thing that I know that I know that, I know that, I know that, I know to be true, the only thing is God's Word, that's it. There's nothing else.

Speaker 2: 9:26

Yeah, don't buy into what society is telling you who you are or who you should be right, or that you get to decide that.

Speaker 1: 9:33

I mean, your maker decided who you are. When I was a kid, my mom taught ceramics. I don't know if you know what that is, but she taught it in our basement. So she had these molds and she poured the it's called slip. So she poured this clay, like substance, into this, the molds, and took them apart and so it made this like the cylinder, say, right, and it was a, you know, some kind of shape like a leaf, and. But the person that took it out of there and painted it and put the var what was it called? The outer layer, the shiny layer, I can't think of the name of it and fired it in the kiln, that person decided what it was. Is it going to hold pencils or is it going to hold salad dressing? Right, you are deciding. Because you are the maker of that piece, of that ceramic art, we'll call it art. But it was like a frog that held a sponge, so it wasn't really art, you know, but we'll call it art. And because you're the artist, you get to decide what that is.

Speaker 1: 10:35

And God made you and only he decides who you are. And he says I read this morning, I'm going to look at it up. You are the aroma of Christ to God. God says you smell like Jesus. Like how cool is that? I blew my mind when I read that. I don't think I've read that verse before this morning. I read it and it just hit me and I thought, wow, we're the aroma of Christ. That's who God, our maker, says we are.

Speaker 1: 11:04

So when I hear the enemy saying you're just a loser. You've been married four times, you've been divorced twice, three times, whatever, three times, yeah, that's it. All those things that are like I don't want to hear, and then I start to feel like down about it. Yeah, who do? I think I am standing on this stage talking to women Because I'm that, but God says no, I've called you to this because you are my girl. You are my girl, I made you. So I have to stop it as soon as I think it Is that what God says. No, this is what God says. God says he delights in me. God says that as soon as it. So it's taking that thought captive, comparing it to truth and then replacing it with truth if it's not true Right away. Like, just get in the habit of doing that over and over and over through the day, because these arrows are being slung at us constantly.

Speaker 2: 12:07

Yeah, it's. It's really tough, you know, because comparing ourselves to others is one of the worst things that we can do. And I, I, I had this firsthand experience of, when I went through my divorce, people saying, oh, but you guys are such a perfect couple, you know, there's you're always, you know whatever laughing, you're always this and that and that's you know. Going back to what you said when we first started off, we people look on the outside and think everything is perfect, and I used to do that as well. I would look at couples and I would say, wow, I want to be like this person, not knowing, you know, they may have been having, you know, a bad season or difficult season, or they may well have been in a good season but had to go through a difficult time.

Speaker 2: 13:05

And I think that we set ourselves up for failure, in a way, when we do that right, because we're not, you know, teaching our young people, those getting, for example, married. We talk about that area of our lives where you know they're they're getting married. We tell them, you know, don't be unequally yoked, do this, don't do that, but we don't tell them that marriage is never easy sailing Right. Right, there will be ups and there will be downs, there will be difficult seasons, there will be times you don't want to talk to each other. There will be times you don't want to be, you know, in the same house with each other. But this is part of a relationship and part of growing.

Speaker 2: 13:56

And I, when, when my kids were getting into their marriages because two out of my three are married I, I joke about this with my, my children in love and I say, remember, there are no returns, there are no exchanges and there are no refunds. This is till death. Do you part? And you know they laugh about it, they joke about it.

Speaker 2: 14:21

But you know, really, underlying with that is my advice to both of them, to my child and my child you know, in love, that you will have tough days. You will have tough days. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It does not mean your marriage is failing. It means you're growing, it means your relationship is, you know, evolving, but evolve together. And you know, I, I, I joke about this part and I say to my children in love, you come to me and you stay here and and my child will stay in the house and you, you just take a time out from each other. I thank God that to to this day there there's still okay and and you know I'm not delusional that things are 100% perfect.

Speaker 2: 15:09

It never is you know, but I think there is this misconception of how we need to be perfect.

Speaker 1: 15:19

Yeah, and I think there's this expectation going into marriage that it's going to be perfect, that it's. You know, here's my happily ever after. Yeah, I mean the big wedding and that's all beautiful, and then the happily ever after with this perfect wife, with this man or woman that I love so much, and, you know, going into it. I don't know that everybody's eyes are open in my mind. Certainly weren't. I was young too, but I don't know. I think sometimes you just I want to say like sometimes you have to tread water and just tread water, and there's going to be days you're not even going to like them, you might even hate them that way and there's going to be days that he's not going to like you Hopefully they're not on the same day and you just, you just tread, you just tread water, you just stay married, you get counseling, you take a time out, you know what Someone's house or whatever the things are, but go into this expecting that it's work.

Speaker 2: 16:13

Yeah, and don't be ashamed of it, right? Don't be ashamed to ask for help. I think that's what it is right. Again, coming back to the shame factor of we are ashamed to admit that we're having a problem, and I don't say go around talking to everybody that you see about it. You know, be, I think you know one of my advice is that I give is, when you are going through a difficult time, do not share with everybody what you feel about your spouse, because they will not forgive and forget when things are better.

Speaker 2: 16:48

They will keep reminding you. You need to be prudent about who you speak to. You know whether it's a therapist, a counselor, someone who is a prayer warrior will will, you know, will advise you in the right way, and I think it also you know we've kind of talking about marriage what about the other side of when Children are going through a difficult time and parents don't know how to deal with that either? Right, the shame of being a believer and your child may not be following the path that you are? And I have seen.

Speaker 2: 17:30

I had someone approach me recently and say to me I am so ashamed because this person is a leader in a church, and said I, I feel a Shamed because I cannot Help my own family. And you know I said I need to pray about this before I say anything to you. And I this was my response to the person, why? Because my mind went all over the place a bit of. It was a trigger to me because I was the black sheep of my Family and it kind of triggered in me, oh my, this child must be struggling. And then I said no, this isn't what it's about, focus. So I prayed about it and you know I I went back to the person and I said look a Couple of things.

Speaker 2: 18:25

I said one if you're feeling the shame, hmm, you may need to pray about this, not not you may. You need to pray about this Because it is not for you to change your child Right, it is to pray to the Lord and give it to the Lord. Second, I said if you feel that the Lord is telling you that you need to get your house in order, step away and concentrate on that. Mm-hmm. And I. They said, yeah, but this doesn't solve my problem. And I said but I am not to solve your problem, it's the Lord that will solve your problem. Yeah, take it to the Lord in prayer. Yeah, and that was the shame. I had not, I had not heard a parent voice that to before to me anyway, yeah, of the shame of Not having a child.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Mm-hmm, it's, it's very humbling, right, it requires a lot of humility when our kids aren't living for the Lord or when they're making terrible decisions. We ended up back in the day with two of our boys at two different times with problems with addiction and ended up in like rehab facilities and and that's humbling, like I don't know that I at the time would have thought I was better than anyone else or any of that, but it's humbling, especially in a church setting. You know, yeah, um, and that's okay, it's okay to be humbled, yeah and you know what actually.

Speaker 2: 20:07

Actually, that's a key point you just made there. We should be humble of our, of our situation, right, and pride comes before the fall, right. And I think that's what it is sometimes. You know I mean I I'm not gonna speak for others, but for myself as well. You know I have children that I pray about all the time and you know I Bring to the Lord and I love them to death. Am I ashamed of my children? No, but as a child of God, I want my children to love him the way.

Speaker 2: 20:42

I love him, I want them to serve him, and I don't mean serving the church, I mean serving him right. There's a difference for me, and I want them to serve the Lord like I've I am doing now. But, that's not for me to decide that's not for me to do. And, yeah, we need to shed that Away. You know like shed that off us and leave it to the, to the Lord.

Speaker 1: 21:11

Yeah, and it's the the difficult times, although I don't want to relive them, but it was the most difficult time that brought me the closest to God, right in that humility is where I was able to just be flat on my face before him.

Speaker 1: 21:28

So I don't wish that away and I can't wish that away for my kids. I want them to be humbled so that they know how much they need God. I want them there. I don't want to watch it, though I have to tell you you know like sometimes people say like you know Lord, whatever it takes, and you know I want to say that but man, that's a scary thing to say.

Speaker 2: 21:53

And it's hard, right, it's hard. You know I walk through a very dark time, a season in my life where, you know I dealt with addiction and, you know, had to walk through recovery and I am grateful that my children don't have those issues. But there are other issues, you know, and I think that, walking through it myself, I've come to understand that no one I cannot change my children, you cannot guilt them into it, you cannot coerce them into it. You cover your children in prayer. You are there and love them like the prodigal sons. You know the son left, the father was waiting for him there and when he came home there was a feast waiting for him.

Speaker 1: 22:52

And it doesn't feel like he was ashamed because he invited everybody over Amen.

Speaker 2: 22:57

Okay, amen to that, amen to that. And you know, I think of it that way. I am that prodigal son. I came back and the heavens rejoiced on my returning, not because I'm special, but every one of us are equally special and heaven rejoices for each one of us, and therefore I have taken that for those that I pray for, you know, whether it's in my family or friends, and I'm here for them, you know and we just need to take that on right and leave the rest to God Test.

Speaker 2: 23:34

you know, if there's someone out there right now struggling, we've talked a little bit about our experiences and you know what we've kind of done to overcome them. But if someone is out there today struggling, whether it's with the shame of their past or the shame that they are in today for whatever reason, what are some of the steps that you would recommend to this person to help them overcome the shame that they're living with?

Speaker 1: 24:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:09

So we touched a little bit on it and I would say it's three, three hours. So you can remember, right. So the first one is to remember who you are, like we talked about. Who does God say I am? Remember that.

Speaker 1: 24:23

The second thing is to read the word so that you know what's true and what's not. So when you're taking those thoughts captive, like we talked about, and you're comparing it to truth, how do you know what's truth? You know, so you need to be in the word. The only thing we know to be true, to be true, to be true, is God's word. Be in the word, be reading it so that you know what's true. So when you're comparing your thoughts, you can is that true or am I throwing that out and then replacing it with truth?

Speaker 1: 24:52

So that's the second one. So remember, read the word. And the third thing is to ruminate on it, so to keep that in your mind, going over and over and over and over, because we're always we don't use that word a lot, maybe ruminate, but we're always doing it. We're always doing it right. We're thinking about it, over the same things over and over. Maybe it's a song, maybe it's a little jingle, you know whatever it is, but there's always things in there, especially in a woman's mind that are just going around around, around.

Speaker 1: 25:22

So make sure you're ruminating on truth. So I would have said this is what I've always done is take a verse that is an important verse to me that week or that day that I've just read, and write it on a card and put it somewhere where I see it all day, either on the front of the fridge because you know I work from home and I'm in that thing too often or maybe on the bathroom mirror above the sink. You know somewhere you're reading it. But I would also say, make it the screensaver on your phone so that as soon as you turn your phone on that word, that verse comes up and then read it out loud every time you see it and read it, and reread it, and reread it and fill your head with truth.

Speaker 2: 26:06

It's true, you know, if we know what the Lord thinks of us or how the Lord thinks of us, we would change how we think of ourselves as well and put aside Satan's lies. I think that's, yeah, that is. You know, it seems so simple, yes, it seems so simple, and yet and yet, well, because there's an enemy it's not just us.

Speaker 1: 26:35

If it was just us, you know, and God, and there was no enemy. Like, we're golden here and we will be because he wins, yes, but right now we're still in the middle of this battle and God, the enemy is using things like distraction. You know, people don't even know what's going on because they're just like watching kitten videos on their phone or whatever. I don't know what people are doing, you know, but we need to get with it.

Speaker 1: 26:59

There's a battle in your part of it, that's right, and you're part of it, sister, so fill your head with truth.

Speaker 2: 27:05

Yeah, you're right, you know it's the. Putting it on the phone is a good thing, because I find that people are attached to their faith, they're attached to their phones and that's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. You know I am into, you know, using everything that is out there to improve life, to connect with people. But there's a point, that is when you're sitting together and I and it's not the kids only, you know, because I constantly hear, you know, parents complaining about their teenagers or their 20-somethings, and yet I look at them and they're constantly on the but what is there to look at? You know, I understand it's an addiction.

Speaker 2: 27:56

It really is. It really is. It really is an addiction. But really, you know, like I always, you know, am such a proponent of turn it off, focus on what God wants, because once you start scrolling, there's no turning back, right, there's no turning back. You go down the rabbit hole and that's how the algorithms work. And you know, I, you know I'm always surprised when people say to me I don't know, I was planning a trip to, you know Timbuktu, and suddenly I'm getting advertisements for suitcases.

Speaker 2: 28:35

Well, that's how AI works. Yes, you know, and I've been saying this for years and people always are you're such a conspiracy theorist? No, no, because now it's true.

Speaker 1: 28:47

That's right. I was just ahead of my time.

Speaker 2: 28:49

I was just ahead of my time. I you know when, when you are in the world of, you know computer programming and software, we knew that this was there. We did it. It started off, you know, with cookies. You know being placed. We knew what was coming. It's just I don't think anybody understood. And now we're we're paying a price for it. But you know, I think what you said is so true, if we know what, how God is looking at us and how he truly sees us and who we are in his eyes we would look in the mirror and see a different reflection come

Speaker 2: 29:33

back to us and I think it's so important. You know, and I have such a passion for, you know, telling people about prayer and Bible studies, and I don't mean the Bible, I believe in all forms of Bible study, whether it's taking a book you know somebody's written a book or you know doing some kind of reading. But I also really promote and emphasize on taking the word of God and just just ruminating, as you said, on his word. You know, taking a word, a sentence, and just sitting on that for a while, a day, a two days, until the Lord, you know, puts in your heart what it is that he wants. And that is how God speaks to us. Because I always get this question now, right, but what? How does he speak to you? And it could be in any way. Each one of us hear his voice in a, in a different voice. You know the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. But yeah, I like that what you said, tess ruminate on what the Lord is saying.

Speaker 1: 30:50

Yeah, you're not going to hear. You're not going to hear God's word, or it's more difficult to hear God's voice if you're full of kitten videos.

Speaker 1: 30:58

So you know and I would say and I would say to women, like I'm a morning person, so I read in the morning, I read the word in the morning and study and I love doing that. First thing and not everyone is that does that you pick your time, you get to pick your time, but you need to have time to do that and it needs to be just you and God at that time. So whether you have to lock yourself in the bathroom, like when my kids were little, I didn't have all kinds of time to do it either but take your phone, shut it off and then take it to another part of your house, put it on in that room and then close that door and walk back to the other

Speaker 1: 31:36

part of your house and continue what you're doing, because we can hear our phones like vibrate on, do not disturb on an address or across the house. It's true, because our ears are just like in tune to that and like you said, and then you go on it to check because it could be like I don't know something really important. And you know, I'm from a time when we didn't have cell phones and everybody survived, so they found me when they needed me. I don't know how, but all my kids grew up without their mom, with the cell phone, and they are okay. So but yeah, it's a really, it's a really big detriment. So if we can be intentional about spending that time in the word uninterrupted as much as possible, throwing that phone into another room, that that is a good thing.

Speaker 2: 32:28

Turn it off completely, it will survive. The world will go on. Yeah, you know. I mean, I understand there are emergencies and stuff like that, but really, you know, make it intentional. You know, and I had to do that Because I, you know, juggling a lot of balls in the air, I found that, you know, my time got less and less and less in intentional prayer and intentional, you know, meditating on the word of God. So I put it on my calendar.

Speaker 2: 33:00

Yeah, it's a permanent spot on my calendar. It's blocked off. You know phones will ring. You know I still have a house phone. I have a landline, I let it ring. You know in the beginning I would answer it and I don't anymore. That is, that is my time.

Speaker 2: 33:20

That is, you know, like that. You know, hour, two hours, whatever, for that day is what I will spend in prayer and meditating on the word of God. And it looks different every day, right, Because one day I may be meditating on a verse, one day I may be just praying. It's what is in the spirit that day, but it really is important to be intentional. So you know, that's another word I really like is being intentional with our time with the Lord.

Speaker 2: 33:53

So, tess, I really appreciate your time today and the encouragement, because this is it's difficult. You know dealing with shame and living with shame it is difficult, but I do appreciate you coming back and you know talking about this today because I know there's someone out there that will be blessed by your encouragement. Thank you, tess, for being on Out of the Darkness today.

Speaker 1: 34:20

Oh, thanks, Ruth, I'm glad I want to encourage women. So you know, that's my, that's my, that's my thing, yeah, that's my thing. That I want to do is encourage women. I want them to shed their shame, because Jesus has already taken that shame. He took it, he wore it, he paid for it. It's gone. Let's not keep going and picking it back up right, yeah, thank you, tess.

Speaker 2: 34:43

I appreciate you being here today. Thanks, ruth. I hope you have a wonderful day and until next time, let's continue on our journey as followers of Jesus Christ. I am Ruth Huffseppian.