Activate Your Pause: A Conversation with John O'Brien

The world feels loud on purpose, and it’s easy to forget we have choices when stress becomes the default setting. We sit down with Dr. John O’Brien, psychologist, coach, author, and founder of Activate Success, to get practical about the smallest habit that can change your day: the pause. Not a retreat, not a perfect routine, just a few seconds of breathing and noticing what’s happening inside you. That “sacred moment” creates space to define success on your terms, instead of chasing someone else’s definition. 

We also go straight into the bigger social noise that affects all of us: rising rudeness and incivility. John shares why he believes this trend has been building for decades, how loneliness and the loss of community connection make it worse, and why social media algorithms can quietly steer what we see and how we react. If you’ve felt pulled into outrage or trapped in reactive conversations, this part will land. 

From mindfulness to coaching, we keep circling back to agency. Mindfulness is not perfect focus; it’s noticing where your attention is and deciding whether it serves you. John also opens up about perfectionism, taking risks, and the “good enough” mindset that helped him write, speak, and even start a podcast while still learning. 

If you want more calm, better boundaries, and a clearer way to respond to the noise, you’ll leave with tools you can use today. 

Subscribe, Share this with a friend who needs a reset, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway.

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Dr. O’Brien

SPEAKER_03 0:00

All right. Welcome back to ICF San Diego's Coffee and Conversations Podcast. And today, my special guest is J Dr. John O'Brien. John, how are you doing this morning?

SPEAKER_00 0:15

I'm very good. How are you, Donald?

SPEAKER_03 0:17

I'm outstanding. And I have to tell you, I I've been reading over the information. I kind of went to your website, and I'm going to deviate from the way that I usually start my interviews because I'm curious about why what was in the choosing of activate success as the company name.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

So, yes, there was a big debate when I was launching my coaching and speaking business years ago about do I just call it John O'Brien coaching or do I come up with some other name? And I decided that I wanted it to not just be about me, but more about what I hoped would be the process of coaching that I would provide. And that my philosophy as a coach, as a clinician, is that people have potential already in them. They have the potential for their own success already inside. And that my job as their coach is to help them activate.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

And to and activate success in terms of whatever that means for them.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Or for some people who are already successful, maybe experiencing success in a in a in a more intense way, or maybe in a different area of their life. So it really is to represent that my hope is through my work to help to bring out the potential within people.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

All right, wonderful. So you said something with within that. You said that it's already inside, right? So

Why “Activate Success” Matters

SPEAKER_03 2:05

I imagine you've come across or come to clients that they have they have no awareness that everything is already within. So let's walk through that. How do you navigate that terrain with someone that's never been there before?

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Well, I think that getting people to first of all identify when we talk about being successful, what do they what does that mean? What does that mean to them?

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Right? And and so and also when they when they come to me, whether it's for therapy or for coaching, like what is the outcome they're wanting? What is their definition of success for the coaching process to try to have it first of all come from them about what's their definition of success? How is coaching itself going to be successful in their mind? But then also sometimes it's when simply reflecting back to people about things that they have done. I've had people who are who have advanced degrees, who have achieved a great deal who don't feel successful. But when you reflect back to them about okay, what is your definition of success? And and how do you think about what you have done academically? Or for other people, how do you think about what you have accomplished in your life in terms of your personal life? Like, does that matter? So to getting people to raise their awareness of what their life experience has taught them or where they have been already, and what has gotten them to where they are now, that and then to be able to figure out where they want to build. So I mean, I think it's trying to help people take a realistic assessment of their lives. And sometimes though, you and certainly I find this in the clinical realm, but as a coach, I sometimes see that is that if someone's depressed, it's hard for them to connect with their sense of success or achievement. And that that takes us down a whole different alleyway of navigating those things, right?

SPEAKER_03 4:21

And and so it sounds like to me what you just identified as essential is coming to that place of pausing and in the pause assessing right. So so how how how do people do this now, John? Like there's so much going on around us, and people don't think they have the time to do that pause. So talk to the listener and and share with the listener what are some of those things that they can do to even give themselves permission to say or to go into the pause.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Well, I think uh our lives are increasingly complex.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

And complicated and stressful, and research shows that the current levels of stress in our culture are at some of the highest levels ever recorded in the APA survey on stress in America each year. So we are experiencing very high levels of stress, and we are all kind of in this process of moving faster and faster and and getting people to realize they actually even have a choice to pause to engage in a pause. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and and people will say, I don't have time for that.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

And uh and I will ask them, well, let's be clear, but what do we mean by a pause? Do we mean like going on a week-long meditation retreat? Okay, you maybe don't have time for that, but you're telling me you can't give yourself 15 or 30 seconds? How about a minute? How about a whole minute? Or if I have people in my office pause to do some breathing for a minute or two, they will say,

Defining Success On Your Terms

SPEAKER_00 6:20

like, wow, that was only two minutes. Yeah, that felt so it was so like that was so luxurious. It's like, yeah, and that was just a minute. That was just a minute. And look at what that did for you.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

It's sometimes getting people, you know. What are people willing to do? Where can we start with what you know? If they say, Well, nothing is I can't, I can't do anything, I can't pause at all. But you're first of all, in terms of if someone's meeting with me, like, but what are you doing right now? Like, what are we doing right now? You've paused in some ways to do this. How about we just build something into the time that we have together? So it's trying to get people to see that as much as they may say they don't have time for it, yes, that that they can benefit from a very short pause, and even even coaching itself is an opportunity to pause and reflect, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:12

Yes. Wonderful. And and thank you for sharing that because I part of what I'm doing this year is I want people to know that there are that within us there's so much more, uh, but it takes that I call it the sacred moment, right? Because it is sacred. We we we get to learn more about ourselves and everything else around us. So, John, I I I want to shift here really quick because uh on your website it says stress management coach, right? And stress is everywhere around us, right? So I wanna I wanna go. I want to talk about stress, but I don't want to talk about stress.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Does that does that make sense? I'm loving where you're going, Donald. Let's let's go there. Going there, but we're not going there. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 8:10

I because for me, stress is the noise. And people are attracted to the noise, but I want to go to how can we bring or even invite people into that pause, into the stillness. I don't want to leave that right now because I think there's somebody that's listening to this, they're in the stress. And part of them listening to episodes like this is pausing. So, how can we encourage them from all conversation today to make that time?

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Well, I think if people can understand that there's a potential for them to benefit significantly from just taking a minute or two out. And and I think also when people pause and take a step back, it's then that they may fully realize the impact of that as what you call noise, yes, or stress that there's that they have been experiencing. It's it's the old saying, which is not a great saying, but the message is clear. Like when you stop hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, it's amazing how good it feels. Yes. So it's like when you step out of the noise and you pause, it's like, oh, it how good this feels. And I have a choice here because now I know, oh, I don't always have to be in the noise.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

Be in the noise, yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

And I can get out of the noise.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

Yes. So let's put this one point first. I want to put this out there right now for the listener. We're giving you permission to step into the pause. Yes. Right? If you don't get anything else out of this episode, we're giving you permission to take 10 seconds, 15 seconds, or whatever time it is for that pause.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 10:05

All right. So now let's go into some some meat here, right? So, John, what what are you passionate about, right? I mean, you have a phenomenal background, but what is that? What's the passion? Where's the passion at?

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Well, my passion right now, Donald, is I don't know if you know this, but our country's actually kind of politically divided.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

See, I said I didn't want to go to the stress, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Did you not? I'm going to the noise. I'm going right to the noise, right? Exactly. But as a result of that, but also the larger noise, we're not treating each other well in this country.

SPEAKER_03 10:48

Agree.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

And my my I heard Dr. Christine Poreth, who's one of the leading experts in the field of incivility or rudeness.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

I heard her speak in 2017. It was like bing, a light bulb went off for me. And I that really changed the trajectory of my career because I felt like that was something that I resonated with and not liking the way that, regardless of different beliefs, how people were treating each other. And so that's that then we got to the pandemic, and I thought, oh, well, surely we will come together in this health crisis. And we actually went the opposite way. And then as the pandemic started to wane, I thought, oh, now, now we'll come together. You know, maybe I was being a little bit of a Pollyanna. And it just increased. And that's what so I wrote a book about the topic of incivility, but I called it rudeness because people understand rude.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Rudeness rehab, and it's a very hands-on practical approach around what people can

The One Minute Pause Practice

SPEAKER_00 11:55

do when they are faced with rudeness in others or in situations, or if, God forbid, maybe they have an urge to be rude themselves. Like we all have to take responsibility for our behavior. So anyway, that's that's really my passion right now.

SPEAKER_03 12:10

And I appreciate that. So, so so, John, what is, in your own words, what do you think is the root cause to the rudeness?

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Well, I would like to color outside the lines here by saying that I think there's more than one.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

I think that there's an escalating trend of hostility towards the other party that research shows has been going on for 40 to 50 years. So it's not something new. People want to tie it to current political figures, whatever. That may be accentuated by certain people now, but it's really that that social societal division and the breakdown of social connection. I believe the book was called Bowling Alone. It was written in 2001, I believe. But it's about the fact that our society used to be structured around people who went to bowling leagues and joined community groups, and they were in religious or spiritual communities. And there has been this exodus, if you will, from community groups. So I think that's that lack of connection, the increase in loneliness, yes, fed by politics, fed by the rise of media companies that are trying to grab eyeballs and get subscribers and get attention. And then to top it all off, we have social media and the impact that social media has on really agitating and aggravating these divisions. Yes. And and the algorithms, I'm sure I did not know this until a few years ago, but the algorithms in social media that actually shift and only show you certain things, I don't think people really are aware of that. And how then that way they are being manipulated with the information they're being fed. So so there's lots of different things, but I think tapped, you know, topped off by social media.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

So and so, and again, we're we're coming back to this pause.

unknown 14:22

Right?

SPEAKER_03 14:22

Oh, there it is.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

There is there's that pause.

SPEAKER_03 14:26

So part of what we're saying is is because they're because we're not pausing enough, we're just getting bombarded by the noise. And the noise is forcing us to choose one or the other. Yes, yeah. And and so John, you're you're a spiritual man. I'm I'm spiritual. And one of the things that I notice is is that you you practice mindfulness and you help others in that. So can you share with share with me how the practice of mindfulness has allowed you to stay present?

SPEAKER_00 15:07

Okay. So first of all, let's maybe get clear about what I think of as mindfulness, because I think there's a lot of definitions out there. But I think of it as being aware of your internal world of thoughts and feelings, but also then having an awareness of the external world of actions and perceptions. So in any moment, we can be more aware of what's going on inside or more focused on what's happening outside, depending upon the circumstance, one or the other may be more effective.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

So that's how I think about mindfulness. And and I think sometimes, and especially early in my training, and I still feel like I'm training.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

I'm not kind of an expert on this, but I think of myself as a work in progress. But early on, I think I mistook the idea of being mindful as being perfectly focused. Oh, you have to choose a focus and be perfectly focused on that. But the way I think about it now is it's it's great if you can keep your attention on something, but it's more about most importantly, noticing where your attention is at.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Is that okay in any moment?

SPEAKER_00 16:20

And that's, I think, really a useful skill to have because as you deal with the noise, first of all, if there's a lot of noise externally, you can try to bring your attention internally. Or maybe if the noise, if you will, or stress is something on that's going on inside, you can bring your attention outside. So it's learning how to use that process of awareness and focusing of attention to help deal with what we're calling the noise.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

And I think, John, what I appreciate what you just said is you you brought up an ancient discipline, spiritual discipline of watchfulness, right? Yeah, be giving yourself permission to watch, but not judging, just gently watching. And the second point was you brought in attentiveness.

Why Rudeness Is Rising

SPEAKER_03 17:10

So share more about attention and how by giving that approval over to something else, how we kind of create more stress. Ah, I just caught that. We create more stress by handing that over to some other source.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

Well, I think what we were talking about before, Donald, the idea of if you are just out there caught up in the noise, it's like the noise the noise is driving you. Like and and again, you know, my mindfulness, another definition of mindfulness I've heard is are you controlling your mind or does your mind control you? And when you're giving over the your focus, your attention to whatever is happening around you and getting caught up in that and feeling and not even being aware necessarily that you have a choice to pause and think about what's happening, it's yeah, you're giving over agency to others versus to it's actually very empowering to pause and realize that oh, I can decide what I want to do with whatever is the the is happening in front of me, or I can decide what I want to do with this feeling that I'm having. Like I don't have to just simply be victim or at the whim of what my emotions or others are saying I need to do.

SPEAKER_03 18:48

And I appreciate what you're saying because I think what you just identified is what we have identified in in this podcast and how we started it was the power of coaching, right? That you can identify. So can you share with the listeners in what ways has the power of coaching personally affected your life?

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Well, I think that and and and I will just say that what's going through my mind right now is I certainly have seen a lot of power in my own therapy. You know, that if you're gonna be a good clinician, you have to have your own. So so uh so this certainly through therapy and coaching, through the feedback and self-development that I've gotten, it's allowed me certainly to step back and be more aware of myself. Imagine that, because you know, the there's a saying in the therapy world, and maybe this could be in the, I don't know if it's said in the coaching world, but that you know, the client can only go as far as the therapist has been, that you really have to have worked on yourself a good amount, anyway, to be able to be able to be there for others. So I think certainly through through the coaching work that I've done, that I've become more aware, I think coaching has helped me to grow into this this purpose I feel right now around raising awareness in our society about we all have a choice about how we treat each other, and we're not recognizing that we have that choice. Yes. Coaching helped me to write the book that I've written into, and then to also there's a second book that I just started to finalize today. So so that it I think coaching has empowered me to see that I I have an important message to share, I think, and and to feel empowered to do so.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

Wow, what a what what an what a wonderful word, empowered. Wow. Well, I'm just gonna let that settle for a moment because the more we understand that we're empowered and that we have agency and not give that agency over, how does that just uh reshape everything? For a long time, it it's just it's amazing how wow. I'm having a moment, John. I just need to sit in what you just said and how you said that. Because I think one of the things you mentioned here is I before was about it allowed you to take risks and stretch coaching, right? Allowed you to take can you share in some ways how how did that happen? How did it open you up to take risks?

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Well, I think that coming to an understanding that uh I have an expertise.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

That was a really hard one for me to embrace. And we could go down the bunny trail about why that exactly is. But I think it was it was very hard for me to be like, oh, um, no, I I do actually have an expertise after, you know, what about 25 years of when more actually more in working in the mental health field that actually I had something to say. That was a hard one for me to to really step into and embody. Yes. And so that but that that once I was able to be empowered or to see that that was true, then there was the next phase of that of how to get my message out there, how to get my expertise out there. And that's what I think empowered me to think about shifting work to be doing, to be doing coaching, to be doing, to be doing writing, and now also to be doing speaking on this topic that I'm so very passionate about. So it's it's helping me to step into the confidence,

Mindfulness And Taking Back Attention

SPEAKER_00 23:05

which I will say is still a work in progress. Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Um, but to to take risks and to try to stretch myself.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

So, John, you you called it a rabbit hole. So I'm gonna go in that rabbit hole with you right now, okay? Because you knew it was coming because I get you can't see his face, but I can tell you right now, it's like, oh my goodness, I opened that door, is what it was. But so, John, what what were some of the things that you did to allow yourself to embody the fact that you have an expertise, right? You have a very unique angle. I mean, from from a from a clinical perspective and from a coaching perspective, that very few people have that. So, what did you do to to start to embody?

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Well, I have this habit of wanting things to be perfectly formed before I put them out there.

SPEAKER_03 24:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

And so I actually, when I first was making this transition and starting to do coaching work, there was a local, um, was it was a local coaching group of practitioners here in Portland, Maine that were gathering. And but I I felt like I couldn't go there until I had my ICF certification. I couldn't go there and call myself a coach. So it's like that. And then, well, once I did that, then well, I really can't do that until I get my website. Yeah. So I get my activate web success website, I have my ICF certification, and then I was ready to go in late February 2020, if we remember that time and what happened the following few weeks.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Absolutely, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:55

So that really then derailed my plans in some ways. But what that taught me over time is that I have to take risks by putting things out there that are not fully perfect, per fully formed, and that it's okay to take those risks. And so, you know, I myself started a podcast in January called Civility Matters, and I really was terrified, and I'm in some ways still terrified. Yeah, it could be because it feels like I'm flying a plane that's still being built. Yes. But coaching has allowed me to embrace the idea that it doesn't have to be perfect, it can be good enough, and and then you just sort of work to improve it as you go. So that's I think a big one that's been beneficial for me.

SPEAKER_03 25:43

See, and I'm so glad we went down that rabbit hole because we've come full circle. Because what you just said was is you have learned to activate, right? It doesn't have to be perfect. You've learned to step into this, do whatever it is, and embrace that.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

That sounds very coach-like, I must say.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

And and I I'm just sitting here, I want people, I want people to understand this because you were not alone. We're it it to me, it just feels like we're built this way, man. It's like, oh my goodness, I have to have A, B, C, D, E, F, D in line. And then you get there and you're like, okay, what do I do now? So now you make up more things to do. You know what I'm saying? It's it's the avoidance. Yeah, yes, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And this is what I love about activate because activate tells us as a reminder that we're constantly going into motion. We need to constantly be in motion, and motion can be pausing, right?

SPEAKER_00 26:46

Yep, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 26:48

So, well, thank you for that. This was one of those coaching moments where like the person is getting it, yeah. Right? By not saying anything, it's like, oh, that was really deep right there, right? Really deep. So, John, where you are in your coaching practice and with all the years of experience, what do you do in those moments when you like when you got to that place in this journey where you stopped trying to fix others and you began trusting that what you have inside of you was enough? What did you do? How did you get there, right? At this moment, how did you stop trying to fix yourself or others? And you just began trusting. And I know it's a process, so I know you're gonna say that, but that activation, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Well, in fact, what I the journey that you're describing started before I even went into the mental health field. It goes back to when I was a teenager.

SPEAKER_03 28:08

Thank you, John, for saying

Coaching Growth Beyond Perfection

SPEAKER_03 28:10

this.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

And my and I said I wanted to go into at that point, this was just after my dad had had his heart attack, and I was starting to look towards going. I took a psychology class in high school and was really looking like, oh, maybe this is a field that I want to go into. My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, who was also a high school guidance counselor, she said, you know, my feedback to you is I don't think that's the right field for you. Because you are too goal-oriented, and you're gonna want to fix or get your clients to their goals, and you have no control really over that. You just get to provide the environment, yes, but what where they go with that is up to them because I was and maybe it'll still a little too goal-driven, right, achievement-oriented. But she was very right that I had to be aware of that, and I and I never forgot that. Yes, and so whether it's in my therapy work or my coaching work, learning that yeah, ultimately I can't I I'm can't be responsible for people's success. I can help to provide the right environment. Yes, but what and and whatever the success is, because also the other thing is what I think is success for them may not be what they think of as success. And it's the client's definition of success in coaching that matters, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:41

Yes. And I so appreciate the fact that you said it's a journey. Because many times we go into stuff and we don't look back at what has already taken place.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

And that already has brought us to where we are today. And it's where you say that you have more than enough. You you have what it takes to live in this moment. So thank you for that. And as we get ready to wind up here, this is kind of one of my favorite questions here. I have two more questions for you. Number one, we're in a perfect segue to talk about wholeness, right? Okay. So, what is your definition of wholeness?

SPEAKER_00 30:31

I think of it as being enough or being complete in whatever the situation is presenting. So that's that's that's what I think of as wholeness.

SPEAKER_03 30:44

Enough, right? So, and that that's another one. That's another word, right? It's like well, what is enough, right? And it's it's individual. And I think out of this conversation that I'm getting from you today, John, and I want people to understand this, that it goes right back to the very first words that you said. It's within the definition, the the uh whatever the end goal is, it all starts within. It's in that secret place, is what I'm calling deep within side of you. So, John, as we get ready to finish this interview, as you reflect on your journey, what do you hope people feel when they are in your presence before they ever decide to change anything?

SPEAKER_00 31:41

I would think of two things hopeful, hopeful that their time in coaching is gonna be of help to them. And and this may not be right in that first, very, very first moment, but feeling empowered because that's what I think coaching in its essence is about. Yeah. Is people to feel empowered to make changes or achieve their goals or activate their potential. And that it's that they already have it, they just need that that sense of hope and empowerment.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

I'm gonna end this conversation with a quote that you just reminded of by by using the word hope. It's by Eugene H. Peterson, and it says Unrelenting disappointment makes the heart sick. But a sudden good break can turn life around. And you just said that being with you, one of those things is being hopeful, so providing a light that there is possibility on their journey.

Wholeness, Hope, And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 32:56

I thank you, John, for your time too much.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Tom. This has been a great conversation.