In this week's episode, I sit down with the incredibly insightful and articulate Kristy Mandour, an energy leadership coach who helps established and emerging leaders become the best versions of themselves. In our conversation, we discuss Kristy's specific approach to coaching and how she uses energy medicine and somatic practices to help her clients get out of the heads and back into their lives.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground including the profound connection between our thoughts and physical sensations, and how visualization techniques can be used to manage energy levels. Kristy shares the concept of "sealing the feel" to leverage positive memories or associations - through pictures or songs - in times of stress and anxiety to calm our nervous systems. We also discuss the transformative power of travel and how it can ignite a sense of limitless possibilities, as well as offering practical exercises for self-discovery.
From coping with societal expectations to redefining personal success to understanding the complexities of perfectionism, this episode with Kristy is honest, dynamic, raw and not to be missed! If you're here, its because you know the value of authenticity and you're ready to step into the most extraordinary, next chapter of your own life. So, let's get started!
Connect with Kristy:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/kristymandour/
Website: https://sowtospeak.com/
Connect with Michelle Rios:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.rios.official/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.c.rios
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3ahwTlqiLU&list=PL-ltQ6Xzo-Ong4AXHstWTyHhvic536OuO
Website: https://michelleriosofficial.com
In this week's episode, I sit down with the incredibly insightful and articulate Kristy Mandour, an energy leadership coach who helps established and emerging leaders become the best versions of themselves. In our conversation, we discuss Kristy's specific approach to coaching and how she uses energy medicine and somatic practices to help her clients get out of the heads and back into their lives.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground including the profound connection between our thoughts and physical sensations, and how visualization techniques can be used to manage energy levels. Kristy shares the concept of "sealing the feel" to leverage positive memories or associations - through pictures or songs - in times of stress and anxiety to calm our nervous systems. We also discuss the transformative power of travel and how it can ignite a sense of limitless possibilities, as well as offering practical exercises for self-discovery.
From coping with societal expectations to redefining personal success to understanding the complexities of perfectionism, this episode with Kristy is honest, dynamic, raw and not to be missed! If you're here, its because you know the value of authenticity and you're ready to step into the most extraordinary, next chapter of your own life. So, let's get started!
Connect with Kristy:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/kristymandour/
Website: https://sowtospeak.com/
Connect with Michelle Rios:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.rios.official/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.c.rios
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3ahwTlqiLU&list=PL-ltQ6Xzo-Ong4AXHstWTyHhvic536OuO
Website: https://michelleriosofficial.com
So mental care is equally important as oral care. So it's practice, and once you practice it enough, it just becomes like brushing your teeth. It's just what you do, and so the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.
Speaker 2:Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. This podcast is built on the premise that life is meant to be joyful, but far too often we settle for less. So if you've ever thought that something is missing from your life, that you were meant for more, or you simply want to experience more joy in the everyday, then this podcast is for you. Each week, I'll bring you captivating personal stories, transformative life lessons and juicy conversations on living life to the fullest, with the hope to inspire you to create a life you love on your terms, with authenticity, purpose and connection. Together, we'll explore what it means to live an extraordinary life, the things that hold us back and the steps we all can take to start living our best lives. So come along for the journey. It's never too late to get started and the world needs your light.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone and welcome to this week's show. I am super excited to introduce to you my dear friend, christy Mandor. Christy is an energy, leadership and mindset coach that works with high achievers, both leaders and entrepreneurs, to get them out of their heads and back into the work that lights them up. She is somebody I met now I would say about six months ago and have been just fascinated with the work she does, and so I've asked her to come on the show and talk not only about the kind of coaching she does, but a lot of the topics that both of us at Midlife Moms are dealing with in real time, both with ourselves, our own lives and the clients that we serve. So, without further ado, christy, welcome to the show. It's such a pleasure to have you here.
Speaker 1:Oh, Michelle, thank you so much. I'm so excited we get to sit here with Tee and Gabb for an hour.
Speaker 2:I know, I know. So, ok, I start with all my guests, and that is Christy. What does it mean to you to live your extraordinary life?
Speaker 1:I was giving this some thought and I'm such a word nerd that I of course went into like where did extraordinary come from? And I did a little research on like what does it mean, instead of what we all think it means, which is really different and special, and we can get so swept up in that Like we don't want to live an ordinary life, we want to live like super unusual, and it does come from that. But when I think about what does it mean? It means to live a life. That is true to you, hmm.
Speaker 2:You're speaking my language. I mean, for me it's the same I talk about, really, when you come back home to yourself, when you are at your most authentic, that is your superpower. That is where all of magic starts. When you can come back home to yourself, live a life that's true to you, because you know who you are, you know what you want and you're not afraid to live it. That, to me, is extraordinary because it's so rare.
Speaker 2:It's rare that you find people that are willing to step out of the fray, out of the rest of what society is doing, of what we're told, and often go against the grain and want what they want. How have you experienced this with your own clients? Because I'm curious, because you do so much with high achievers, with leaders, with entrepreneurs. When you start to work with them, do you find that they're already in a path that lights them up? Or I suspect you're getting people with our heart centered, well intentioned, but often overthinking what needs to happen. So are they living their most authentic lives? How do you help them? What comes up in those early conversations?
Speaker 1:So great, yeah. So 100 percent, though through line, because I work with men and women. I work with creatives, entrepreneurs and leaders, traditional leaders, although I think we're all leaders in our own right. The through line is that heart centered piece. The through line is that they're high achievers. They can be very hard on themselves and the through line is they tend to overthink. So what I sense is that they know they're not living their most authentic life. They want to. I don't even know if it's that they don't know how to, because I believe we all know how to. It's almost like they need the space, and they are wanting the space to be honest about what an authentic life looks like to them. And then let it settle for a second, you know, like just to let it drop, to go. Ok, I just said it out loud. Now what?
Speaker 1:And I pride myself on creating such an incredible space for clients because, listen, I've made many mistakes in my life that I'm like I win sad, I would say. It's like a cringy moment. You have to gross yourself out to grow like oh, did I really do that? And so I'm kind of like bring whatever you got, I'm going to. Whatever you have will not make me blanch. I mean, that is one of the benefits of being a rebellious spirit is that you make some reckless choices, you do some things you aren't proud of, and what most people bring in is nothing. I mean nothing in the sense that it's not anything that is so jarring and so I feel like there is this sense of longing and this sense of knowing. So they come to me to share the longing and uncover the knowing.
Speaker 2:I wonder if, for most people, it's not only identifying it, because I do think we all ultimately know, even though I was very much culpable in my earlier days of saying I don't really know and you know, it pushed me and said, yeah, you do, so we might have to uncover it, but you know, we all know it's a matter of sitting with it, is it not just being able to articulate what it is, but also giving ourselves the permission to want it?
Speaker 2:Because I remember early on being able to articulate it and then going, but it's not the image that my film, like family, held for me of what I would do, and that was deeply concerning. Even though I was an adult at that point, and out of the house on my own, when it's self sufficient, there was still the sense of wanting approval from the people I love, from the people around me, to want the life that I wanted versus the high power career that they all intended for me, which ultimately still happens. So there's more to talk here. Kristi, permission, I think, is a big one, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was wondering what you were asking. Yeah, I feel like it is complex because, yes, permission and what we're giving ourselves permission to is so personal to all of us. There are a lot of things that come up with the clients that I work with and I agree with you 100 percent that we do know. That's why it's so important to find support where you can share it and stay put, versus share it and then busy yourself mentally, physically. However, we do it, sharing it with someone who will hold you accountable, to really say, like coaching is 100 percent unbiased perspective and 100 percent concern and care. And it's like what an awesome combo If you can find that, because it's wonderful if you have loved ones who you share with, but they have a vested interest in you, they care about you, and so their response to you is going to be different. Right, so it is permission, it is uncovering the knowing. What I noticed with, specifically, clients that I work with is that there is an urban myth. I'll say that we have all bought into you.
Speaker 1:If you have a tendency to overthink, if you're someone who says, yes, I'm in that camp, there is a tendency. Sure, it can be habit, but if you dig deeper. There is a deep rooted sense of a good person will overthink If I'm not thinking about this, I'm not a good person, I'm selfish, I'm not concerned. Worry is equated to thoughtfulness and it's such BS that's not even the same energy level. Concern and thoughtfulness and worry are totally different scales. So I unpack that with them in a way that merges creativity with science. So the science piece is really helpful because it allows them to feel like oh, this is how we're wired. We're wired with fight or flight for a reason and so many people have a tendency to go into this style of thinking for a reason and it's really advantageous for a reason. And now you're noticing that it's not so.
Speaker 1:It creates a bit of a space and so we here hold the space, often in coaching Right. So it's about holding the space and creating that energetic space for them to feel held and safe and grounded. It's also about giving them internal space to see their thoughts from a more objective perspective than feeling like they are their thoughts. So a part of them may feel like, if I don't think about this, if I actually voice what I want and I don't think about all the effects it's going to have another people Because of course we want to pay attention to what we do and how it affects the people that we care about. But there's a limit to that Right. It's not mutually exclusive.
Speaker 1:To be authentic and to be connected to people Like sometimes we feel like it's one or the other. Either I'm going to be living my authentic life on an island, disconnected, or I'm going to be connected, but then I have to sacrifice myself and it's so, not true. So, going back to the space, I give that space so that they can realize a part of them is feeling whatever it is, a part of them is. And nine times out of ten, when they pull back and they see that part of themselves, like a movie character, almost, their self-compassion is instant. And I want to share an example. So I had one client recently who is such a high achiever, so heart centered, moving up in her organization, excited about it, nervous about it and feeling like she's never doing enough, like so many of us, and so we started playing around.
Speaker 1:We didn't get so deep yet, but started playing around the idea of like let's redefine what enough is, because that's not up for grabs. I always say like who you are is enough for grabs, it's up to you, and so many of us have given it up for grabs. And when you stop and go, what does enough mean? Oh wait, there actually can be enough that I feel. So that brings in a somatic piece of embodied self-awareness to know physically what it feels like for enough, which is another segue we can get into.
Speaker 1:But she was feeling like that and we were talking about it being like a runaway train she's jumping on, she's getting off for a second and then running, trying to like jump back on, and there's literally no end, there's no destination. And so when we pulled back and she shared a situation in her life where she was like trying to fit everything in and she was talking about exercising like, even exercising, I'm trying to fit in. When she pulled back and saw that girl on that literal treadmill and figured a treadmill, she was like, oh my gosh, I feel so sad for her, but when I'm in it I feel like I got to do it so for her to be able to pull back, she was given an opportunity for herself to instantly have self-compassion Like that is self-compassion. So I feel like that's very long-winded answer to your question, but I feel like that is an intricate part of the work that I do If you really unpack it and peel it back it is allowing people to feel and understand self-compassion in a way that is sustainable and accessible.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about the energy portion of the coaching that you do, because I am very interested in understanding better how you're using it, what kind of modalities you're bringing into play, what it all means. We talk a lot about the energy that people bring to any situation they're at. So you are energy. We all know that we are energy, and so it's palpable. You know where somebody's at based on how they're showing up. I know that when Mike came back to the door from school, what's gone on that day is pretty easy to read, based on his energy. Is he drained, is he happy, is he excited, is he relaxed or is he frustrated?
Speaker 2:I'm curious from a coaching perspective, where are you, in terms of using energy modalities to help people be better aware of how they show up and better able to recalibrate, or calibrate, for that matter, where their energy is in any given moment? To get back to this place of what I would say is a homeostasis, a sort of peaceful state that's neither hijacked on one end or the other. That's really a piece of peace. How are you using energy?
Speaker 1:Where do we start, michelle, there's so much in what you just said I'm like hmm. So my initial is creating a framework so that they can grasp it, because energy is, we get it, we understand it to a degree, but it can be very woo-goo, just eh. And so I bring in science so much I feel like it's where it intersects. It's science and there is also a spiritual element to it, inherently because we're all made up of this stuff, right. So I immediately go to science. This is one of the first exercises I'll have people do. I'll say what are you thinking right now? And they'll go. I have no idea. I was like well, pause for a second. You can pause and check in.
Speaker 1:And so many of us, myself included, will rush through and not pay attention to our thoughts because we don't want to pay attention to our thoughts. Because, going back to what you were saying before, when we pay attention to our thoughts it is telling us what we want or what we don't want, and then we have to face that like, oh my gosh, we're betraying ourselves. But I'm just going to keep going fast because I don't want to think about how inconvenient it could be if I really pay attention. So it's a very complex conversation, right, it's not like one band-aid over it. So the energy pieces I ask them what they're thinking and then I ask them, where are you feeling it in your body? And first a lot of them are like what the hell are you talking about? And I was like I get it. This makes feel so bizarre. Just play with it, look. And I always go back to experiment. I say, like, look at it like an experiment, what is your thought right now? And it might be now like what the heck is she talking about? And notice where you're feeling it. And so that immediately connects, instantly, their realization that our mind is connected to our body and it's not just a bobblehead that so many of us feel. That is just kind of moving through life, floating right and we're charged. We are so charged, just like energy, just like battery. However, we're either overcharged or we are depleted or we need to recharge. So I connect it to things too, for people to understand and, to be honest, the visualization cues are one of my most popular because people get it. So, connecting it to a cell phone, iphone, a computer, talking about energy, with what you're sensing, like when you notice in your body what you're thinking, whether it's an anxious thought or it's an exciting thought.
Speaker 1:Some people might go oh, I'm sensing this All right. Well, if you had to give it a shape, what would it be? Because it's like, oh my gosh, it's like tons of balloons just rising up and awesome. And so now what they have is they have a feel in their body that they want to keep If it's a joyful feeling. So I call that seal the feel. And now they have a visual. So now it's like a double. They think of all these balloons and they also can feel it in a specific place in their body. So when the inevitable anxiety pops up, they know what it feels like to feel that joy and they can access it more. But if you don't seal it in, you're just, it's like anything you know, like whatever you practice grows stronger.
Speaker 1:So if you're only practicing feeling anxious that's what I was thinking about when you were talking about homeostasis like, yeah, it's homeostasis. And if you're someone who tends to overthink and run very anxious, your system's going to think homeostasis is anxious, a place of anxiety, right, you know what I mean. And so it's like that's where the part work comes in, and it comes in many different ways. So when I say the part work just for your listeners to understand I personify emotions, I personify characters like energy levels. What I go through are the seven levels of energy vary in line with the shocker system for anybody who's familiar with that and each level is personified. So they create a character for each level and when they can do that, there is more of a sense of not just self compassion, it's also like I call it the personification posse, because you feel less alone.
Speaker 1:So when you're in a state of anxiety, if you've already gone through the work of noticing that a part of you feels anxious, it's not like all of you is anxious, even if it feels that way. There is a part of you that is anxious. If you can give it a name like anxious Annie or anxious Andy and you go okay, anxious Andy, it gives you enough space to realize that there might be this being that you created, whether it be a human or a shape or whatever, shaking, and maybe it's red. I had one client who did clusters of red shaking like they're all clustered together, I promise you you immediately have self compassion for that part of yourself and you just feel, oh, honey, there's just a sense of oh honey, oh my gosh, I so see you and you may cry. I mean, I feel like I can cry right now because of that instant sense of oh. I don't want you to feel that way. I want to support you and so now that's part of you. It's really, really powerful.
Speaker 2:I'm curious in terms of actually tapping into that once you feel the feel and being able to go back to that, because it is a remembrance. I know what that felt like, I know what peace feels like, I know what feeling could feel like and I can tap into it. How quickly do you find that people are able to get back there if they're in a state of anxiety, in a state of frustration, in a state of? Can they, with training, on their own, get back to that space instantaneously? How are you helping to coach them into tapping into that feeling that they've sealed?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so many different ways, because no one's the same, speaking of extraordinary lives, where all are unusual beings in the best way possible. So there are many different practices. I love offering people not too many choices, but enough choices that they can then choose. They can say I need this right now, or I'm on a zoom and I really can't do anything other than stay here. But I feel like, whether it's a job interview, a pitch to a client, a podcast interview, you get thrown a question. You start getting anxious. You're not going to run out in the hallway into 10 jumping jacks. You could say, hold on, it would make a very interesting situation, but when those situations will practice things that are under the zoom meridian, I always say wear ankle weights, ground your feet down, tickle them, and then that gives your mind immediate focus to your feet, which is grounded. Or wear a weighted blanket. That is a total aside off of what you were asking, but I just wanted to share that because it's so small and people often make it big. You can do small things and you will be shocked at the impact it has, but when it comes to people coming back from steal the feel. So what we'll do is either take an actual situation that just happened, where they're like I'm so excited, this just happened. Or I'll have them recall a situation that they were excited about, joyful about many of the upper energy levels, and I'll walk them through a guided meditation of their five senses. And it's so simple. We all know what five senses are, we have them with us all the time and they go through and they get themselves into that space and then at the end I say what's standing out to you the most in your body? What body part is standing out to you the most? My chest. Okay, within your chest, what is the sensation? And that is the differentiator, because feelings are emotions, sensations. That's the energy too. So we want to be able to go like I'm feeling joyful, I'm sensing that that sensation of joy is that I feel electric. Everybody's felt that I feel grounded, but I also feel buoyant, I feel expansive, my face feels like alive, it's like giggling, like the cells in my body are giggling. Okay, so seal that in, then they inhale and when they exhale, I have them exhale and it's an expansive breath out, so that it is staying within the circular of their body and then they're able to seal it. Because I end it with saying take like a mental screenshot of that, and then it's practice. So it sounds so boring because we hear it all the time, but I say so consistently and so many other people say this too is like oral care and mental care are equally important. You would not stop brushing your teeth ever because it's gross on many levels. So mental care is equally important is oral care. So it's practice, and once you practice it enough, it just becomes like brushing your teeth. It's just what you do, and so the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. Now, what really does seal it is this idea of what's the benefit Once people understand. So we kind of reverse engineer it Like once people understand the intention and the benefit of practicing this, that's another in the bucket of sealing it in right, Like oh, this is going to matter long-term. It's changing the trajectory of my generation Awesome. It's making my life better in the future Awesome.
Speaker 1:I just heard something recently that I loved from. I don't have her book here. I was going to show it. I believe her name is Jamie Varen. Radically content is the book, and she shared this one idea that I had never heard of, or I never heard of it like this and I loved it and I shared it with my whole crew of girlfriends. I was like you guys and all of them were like boost bumps. This is crazy, and it was this. So often we hear about future self. I'm thinking your audience is probably very aware of that phrase, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And the way I look at it is whenever I'm talking to my future self and I never thought about it until when I'm about to share with you. It was this idea of looking to her for guidance. And she's this radiant, luminous, beautiful being and she's almost ageless, but she's me and, oh my gosh, and I look to her for guidance. And what was in this book was the idea of what can you do now to support her and make her life easier in the future? And I was like what, how have I never thought of that? Like, how have I never thought of the idea? And it gave me so much more agency and a feeling of like, supporting her. I was like, oh, this is a mutually supportive relationship. I thought she was the one who had all the strength. And I was like and high achievers, like we like to be productive, you want to go somewhere.
Speaker 2:I'd like to tap into that. Yeah, future self. And instead you're really making the deposit into the felt 100%.
Speaker 1:That's exactly it. So I felt like that was very powerful. And we've talked so much about how we both work with men too and we love that. And I did it with a male client who's going through a really tough time and he's very left brain, he's in tech and he's like that resonated. I get that because when you're in a tough spot we all know that Sometimes it is heavy, bleak, black. You can't see any future self. But if you realize you can actually do something now here to like start creating a lightness to that darkness, it's beautiful and it's a wonderful prompt to journal on what can I do today? Yeah, it's really beautiful.
Speaker 2:Let's think about that for a minute for our listeners. So a journal prompt around this could be what is it I'm doing now, consciously deciding to do now that will help my future self? So it's an activity, it's a thought, it's a feeling that will help to empower this future self. I just love that one. That's really big for me and I think it's because I've had a very long corporate career where things were heavy and a lot of motion. I did a lot of issues and crisis work, so things were often quick and moving at the light. You know the speed of light.
Speaker 2:Expansiveness is really important to me, usually because I was in a small, you know, like the wind belt, this conference. Right now I have my career or more, but this idea of expansiveness and practicing expansiveness for my future self, what does it feel like? And can I hold that for her? Because I want that. I feel that greatly when I travel One of the benefits for me.
Speaker 2:When my sister and I are very, very close but we have incredibly opposite experiences around travel. When I say we're going to Greece, I'm so excited, I feel so free. When I go there, I feel so expansive when I travel overseas and she goes. And here I am with my central nervous system going high alert. This is painful in some ways to me because it fills me with anxiety. To get out of my routine and into this spaciousness. I'd rather coon closer to home, and so we have very different experiences around travel and around what vacations should look like, but for me it is further I go, the more I travel, the more I quite honestly going back to one of the earlier points you made around the importance of connection I think we are relational beings so we crave connection with one another, and yet one of the most authentic things that comes up for me is to claim this space and just allow myself to be in it and experience this sense of expansion when I go overseas. And it's interesting because one would say, well, why can't you do that?
Speaker 2:here there's a really good question, but it's often something I associate with leaving behind the daily routine and stepping into a new world or a new experience. I love that idea of for really creating that investment in your future self and allowing some of these activities that you're doing now, some of these conscious decisions we're making, to be not just for this current moment but for the future self. That I get a lot and resonates deeply.
Speaker 1:There's so much with what you just said. Can I go back and use you as an example to expand on this. Because you shared so much just now, which extends on your question of what I do energy-wise, like you just nailed on so many pieces of it.
Speaker 1:So, first of all you noticed, what you focus on, which is extension. Right now, that's a big thing for you and it might always be Like who knows? And right away you knew what gives you that feeling when you think of traveling. That gives you that feeling. So, when we go through the seven levels of energy, what we go through is also what are the situations or people who, when you are around or in that you experience this energy level. Because if you don't know how are you going to shift anything? I mean it really, at the end of the day, is waking up, it's paying more attention of how you can be more conscious than in default mode and also being kind to yourself. That do it teeny tiny, it doesn't have to be huge.
Speaker 1:So one of the super creative ways if I was working with you and you were feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm not going to be able to travel for a while because I have work or whatever's happening and you're like, but I love traveling, we would go through like what was one of your favorite places to go and we would go through all of the senses. We would give you the opportunity to seal in the feel and then what I probably would give you as an exercise is to find like a beautiful piece of instrumental music that's your favorite. I love instrumental music because it has been shown to also enhance our energy with all energy, and it also has a built in timer. When that song's done, you're done. So there's no beep beep. There's no like jarring Sometimes timers can be a little jarring so you find a beautiful piece of music. I love Brooklyn duo. I want to drop that in for your clients. They are phenomenal duo. Obviously a cellist and a pianist and they play all different genres of music and they're fantastic. You can find them on YouTube or whatever listening platform that you like, and so you would listen to it for three minutes, maybe three times a week, and while you did it, or if it was an instrumental piece of music that reminded you of this beautiful traveling memory, and you would just sit and bask in it, and then you would come back into your world from that place, from that lens, and you would notice. You would notice if you plummeted again like, oh, here I am, and it takes practice to go, that's okay too. It's okay if you just plummeted from like heaven, nirvana in your mind and then you were like, oh, and I'm here.
Speaker 1:We so often do these exercises and then we shame ourselves for, like getting out energetically or emotionally, get dropping out of it so quickly. Oh, but I shouldn't feel guilty because there's so many things and then we like we're on a runaway mental quicksand. So it's noticing and going. Both can be true. I can feel so invigorated and expansive with the idea of traveling to Napa Valley or to Seville or wherever, and I could also feel a little blah about being here right now.
Speaker 1:Both can be true, and the more you allow that to be true, the blah actually has less weight, because you're not repressing it or suppressing it or pushing it, you're just acknowledging it. And then again, if we continued on, we would create a blah personificated character, like when blah pops up. How do you handle blah? What does blah really want? Maybe blah just wants 15 minutes of looking at Pinterest and making a Pinterest travel private board so that you can collect all the pictures. Maybe that's it. But it's more about you knowing, going back to that, what you want and need to give that part of yourself.
Speaker 2:It's really interesting because I'm actually as you're talking and I'm thinking about. What is it about travel that makes me feel expansion? I think it's because I've assigned that when I travel, I can temporarily put on hold my daily life and allow for endless possibilities of new experiences to be had. I don't have a foregone conclusion of what's going to happen on a trip. We usually don't script them out very well, like loosely here are the places we want to go and things we'd like to experience, sure, but mostly we're meeting people, we're having conversations we've went to have otherwise had, because we are outside of our daily experience. It is very extraordinary. It is the sense of limitless possibilities I found for me one of the reasons why it's sort of like something I have to do every year, like when I don't. It's not a great year.
Speaker 2:2020 was rough Getting back to it, because it's in that space that I get downloads of new things. I want to experience new things. I want to try stepping outside of where I am and imagining that future state and trying it on. When I'm in some other place, it doesn't matter, I can be imagining that I'm already there because I don't have the responsibilities of the day to day to tie me down, yeah, thought process, and so it's incredibly freeing. So it's so interesting to me that here is my sister. Biologically we're very connected in DNA and yet our experience around travel and what it means and how we feel about it Night and day experiences I'm like, oh, this is my sanctuary. Yes, put me wherever in the world to explore. And she's like, oh my God, just get me home. That's exactly.
Speaker 1:Get me home, but that's the whole point. The point is that we are so interconnected and we all have our own unique footprint too, so the more that you can understand what lights you up uniquely to you, the more you'll be able to dip into it. There's something very invigorating, too, of like an exciting and adventurous to make your list of where you want to travel. Then you can make many mood boards for each place. That's still going to keep a pulse, to keep it going. It reminds me and I love this because I know you just started I think it was like reset Rios on Instagram. Little plug for you on that Instagram Live. It's daily or weekly, weekly, monday.
Speaker 1:Weekly not daily.
Speaker 2:That was my mess.
Speaker 1:That was my mess. However, there is an exercise that I do that I want to share with your listeners. That's really fun and they can get as end up as they want with it. So it's called the reset folder, which is what made me think of it and run with it for your Instagram Live, because it's so fun and it's like it's creative and it's love and it's inspiring and it's peace and it's all the things.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's so ridiculously simple. You create in your phone. You could do an actual in a folder, it doesn't matter. You create a reset folder and you can start it off by dedicating anywhere from 15 minutes on however long. You have to think about what are the things that light you up in travel, music, movies, nature, the core ones. You can even go to your emotions how do you feel the most excitement, the most love, the most peace, and just write down what they are and then in your reset folder that's why it's helpful on your computer, you can put pictures, memories from those times.
Speaker 1:You can put links to the songs, you can put links to movie clips or TV shows. I mean, there's so much you can do within that and depending on how much time you have, and then now, all of a sudden, you're going to be in the car. I love when this happens, like if I forget my phone at home and I listen to the radio because who does it anymore? And I put it on and I get it. I actually get excited when the radio comes on. So I'm like, what song am I supposed to hear right now? And then you might hear a song from when you were a kid, like I heard Casey Kasem's countdown the other day and I was like oh, I love Casey Kasem's voice.
Speaker 1:Casey Kasem is a higher level peaceful love vibe for me. So I put Casey Kasem on my reset list and here's what happens. We all know this. If you're Gen X or older, you do not even have to hear his voice. All you need to do is see his name and you hear his voice, and it is such an uplift. It is such an uplift. So in those moments when you're going moment to moment, meeting to meeting, transitioning from professional to personal life, feeling blah, whatever, those are not the times when you're going to be able to conjure up what lights you up. You're just, you don't have the capacity. So you already have this made. So all you have to do is remember to go oh my reset list and then it sparks an excitement because then, from that point, you're also tapping into your intuition. You get to choose as you go down, like which one do you need right now the most? It's so fun.
Speaker 2:I cannot wait for Monday now. Okay, chris, you're going to have fun and work with me on this one.
Speaker 1:I just want to add one last thing. It's so intricate but people love it who are very systems oriented. I also had a client take her reset list and divide it into time bracket because she wanted to.
Speaker 1:She was like, but what about when I'm going from meeting to meeting? I go, you're going to take all of your reset stuff and you're going to put one under 30 seconds. One bucket for five minutes, one bucket for 10 minutes, one bucket for 15 minutes, 30 minutes or more. So when she's going zoom to zoom, to zoom and she's like, oh my gosh, mine's about to explode, she takes out a reset folder and she looks at one minute or less and it might be a picture of her dog and she's like, oh, okay, and then she shifts.
Speaker 2:It's so cool. I love this. I love this cool idea. All right, this is a topic near and dear to my heart, so I hope you'll play with me for a minute. The midlife reset, the midlife reinvention, this next chapter of thinking that I know you and I were in, we've been part of. I love holding the space because I, for many, many years, would hear people say if you haven't figured it out by 30, right.
Speaker 1:It's too late, or what have?
Speaker 2:you and I kind of laugh now and realize who said it was called young, who said everything before 40 was just research.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love it. I think it was him too.
Speaker 2:It's so great Everything before 40 is just research. People like relax, we are right on time. And in fact you know I often share and I think this happens for a lot of people. I feel more alive, vibrant, invigorated now at midlife than I ever did in my 20s ever, 100%.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I'm so with you so excited about this.
Speaker 2:And so when you hear these things about oh, are you shifting gears and slowing down, I was like, oh hell, no, I am shifting gears and gearing up for the next thing Because I am so excited I cannot wait to get going. I am the midst of creation and it's this level of creativity because I do have more space to do it that I feel most alive and I'm finding and this is what I'm curious about your experience I do a lot of interviewing of my audience of tell me about where you are in life and what I hear and you'll all confirm this when I get my DMs, when this comes out I'm in a place where I'm considering my next chapter. I'm in a place where I'm really curious about the possibilities for me in this next phase of my life. I'm thinking about this as I'm at a crossroads. I'm either continue doing what I've always done or am I going to follow my heart and do something new.
Speaker 2:So this concept of a lot of us at Midlife really looking at the next chapter, the next phase, the next whatever you call it act of life as holding all of this possibility and how do we walk into it and I know that it is daunting for a lot of people because it's a sense of like is it reinvention even possible? I would argue absolutely yes. It's so needed if you want it and it's available. But not everyone knows even how to tap into that or where to start. I get a lot of folks that are I'm curious. I'm just really gathering information and I haven't decided what the next chapter looks like.
Speaker 2:How are you looking at this next phase of life, the next chapter, and how are you walking through it? What are the ways that you are guiding your own I would say renaissance or reinvention, as it were, from whatever was previous for you to what you're experiencing now and what you want to experience? How do you talk about that with your clients? How do you invite them to that conversation? Because I'm so excited about it? To me, this is the most creative time of life because you have the experience, you have the knowledge, you have the sense of self and you're usually at the place where you're not afraid to talk about it. You're not afraid to know what you are, who you are and what you want. It's a much more freeing place to be to experiment, and yet some people don't necessarily know even where to begin. Where do you start these conversations?
Speaker 1:Oh, it's such a juicy conversation. We could talk about this for another hour, if not more. So there are a few things that you said. So one of them is, when you were just speaking, the word that came up to me was yet when clients say to me I don't even know where to begin, I go, I know this is going to be super coachy, it's annoying. I want you to say it again with yet at the end and this is where I always bring in the energy piece, because they physically feel a difference when they say I don't know where to begin, it's a mental quicksand just being sucked down. It's so overwhelming. When they say I don't know where to begin, yet it's immediately an uplift. There is an immediate physical feeling of oh, there's hopefulness, there's the light at the end of the tunnel, it's possible. So yet is, if you're going to choose one word in the entire world, yet, unless you have kids, then maybe is probably the best word ever. My kids ask me anything. Maybe it buys me so much time.
Speaker 1:Okay, one thing I say is going back to what you were talking about with traveling. As I say, all right, so here's where it gets fun instead of daunting and overwhelming and the fear that's underneath everything is that you're going to make the wrong decision, Because if you really pull it all back, it's really like I'm going to make the wrong choice. You're not going to make the wrong choice if you know what's right for you. So the number one thing any process of coaching that I go through, whether it's coaching groups or coaching one-on-one we go through the energy leadership assessment that I have. That's like blood work for your energy levels. It's like it just gives you a baseline like here's where you're at and what do you want to change, if at all, and what are you excited about?
Speaker 1:The next thing are core values, and we hear it all the time in the coaching world. It is so imperative that you physically not just intellectually know you physically know what are your conscious core values, not the core values your family thought were important or society is making you feel as important. This is where, when I said in the past like I have a rebellious spirit that might not have made the best choices, this is where I fully believe all of our parts are really a huge asset to us. We just need to know when to ask them in versus letting them run the show on their own. So this is when I bring in my rebellious and I'm like hold on a second. Society is not in charge of you, you do not know way. So let's just slow down and get clear on what core values really matter to you, not what you think should.
Speaker 1:So then we go through a whole sensation, feeling of dropping into what the core values are as we narrow them down. What do they feel like? And then they start making choices from that place. What gets you warmer? Like you know the game hot, cold when we were kids. What's warmer, what gets you a little warmer when you're thinking about like a possibility, none of it's happening. It's not set in stone when it leaves your mouth, it's just like a possibility. What happens?
Speaker 1:So maybe there's a little fear and a little like a voice in your head from someone in your family or society or a teacher. That's like no way. But underneath it, if you can realize that they're dealing with their own stuff, the intuition is under that. So if you can feel underneath that and go oh, the voices become like peanuts, adult, like you know, when the peanuts like Snoopy, the adults are like that's what the voices end up becoming because you get so clear on oh, that's not even my voice, because you start realizing what your voice is.
Speaker 1:From there, I say like, try it on for size.
Speaker 1:So if it's a weekend, I'll say, for size, try on what it would be like if you started choosing to go in that direction.
Speaker 1:You actually don't have to take any action in that direction, but just act as if you already did start and just see what it feels like, that's it, and break it down super simple, because it can be so overwhelming and it also creates a sense of liberation, of like, oh, I do get to choose, oh, and I can kind of practice this on and I can give it a sense of like, what it feels like as a dress rehearsal and then come back and go okay, this is what I noticed. All right, well, what will help you feel better about that decision? Does it still feel like something you want to at least pique your interest to move towards? It does. But I'm nervous about this Great. It's like piecemeal, it's not a one overhaul Cause I think that's really huge. And there are so many women and men at midlife who've all hit the metrics of society and they still feel hollow and they're still feeling like. But I did everything I was supposed to do and checked out the boxes.
Speaker 2:And now what?
Speaker 1:I checked all the boxes. Now what? So?
Speaker 1:There's consistently a feeling that's a combo of resentment and frustration and guilt. There's this cocktail inside underneath. But I should be happy because I had this beautiful family and I had this wonderful life and I still have this wonderful leg. Why do I feel guilty? And then there's like a frustration, like what the hell I actually did what I was supposed to do and I was guaranteed this feeling and this outcome and it didn't work. So then that's when we really start going back to like let's redefine.
Speaker 1:What does success look like for you in this next leg of your path? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Let's just redefine it. You can always redefine it, but I do believe that having a loved one is amazing for many reasons. I don't think you're supposed to just have one person. I don't think you're just supposed to have a coach and no loved one and not a loved one and no coach or therapist or whatever. You're supposed to have a gaggle of people. I feel like it takes a village to raise a child. We hear all the time it takes a village to raise a human.
Speaker 2:Right. Well, adult reinvention is no easy thing either, because you can know what you want. You can go through the I know how it feels, I know this feels right, but be stuck in the actual execution, actually living it.
Speaker 1:Totally well and also, just to close this out, like what you were referencing before, when you knew what you wanted but you were scared to say it and you had the approval of family members. That is also in these moments when our inner child goes bananas. They're like freaking out. So one of my favorite exercises that I do with people, as I call it bring your inner child to work day and I get them used to. They can take a picture of themselves when they were a kid or they can just visually remember whatever works, but they have them like come on, you're gonna come with me, you're gonna see what it's like to do this next chapter, because that is, in the most simplistic terms, that is your guide.
Speaker 1:The next chapter of your life is really probably what you've always been wanting to do and maybe you weren't doing it. So being able to tap into, like talk to that inner child part of you and go, just come with me, it makes them feel safe so they're not gonna feel scared. And then they're gonna get excited and you're gonna get random sparks. It's like you're going on a scavenger hunt together and it becomes more exciting. It's like there's a phrase and I can't remember who to attribute it to. But you have a choice to lean into the anticipation or the apprehension and you get to choose. Get to choose. It's a choice. It is a choice and it's different for everybody.
Speaker 2:I love that. Okay, favorite topic of mine perfectionism. A lot of us have, as I call it, a recovering perfectionist, and it does rear its head from time to time. Sometimes I'm unaware that it's even happening, until I'm in the middle of something going huh, that's what's happening here. That's definitely a familiar ground for me. Let's kind of dial that back and find a new path. Let's talk about what perfectionism really is. When you have people saying I'm just a perfectionist, what is really coming to mind for you as a coach? What are you thinking?
Speaker 1:I don't think it's one thing. I feel like the first thing I'm thinking is making room for a question. It's to ask them something. Well, when you say that, what does perfectionism mean? That's one of my first questions, because we all have an idea. A lot of us think of it like setford-wifey, or we may think of like the super manicured yard or the beginning of weeds If anyone watched that Mary-Louise Parker show back in the day. It's also our own preconceived idea of stereotypical perfectionism. So I would say, like, what does that mean? And it does open a lot, because perfectionism is not one thing.
Speaker 1:I learned this from Catherine Morgan Schaffler, who wrote the book the Perfectionist's Guide to Loosing Control. You and I have spoken about it. I don't know if she created it or if this is out in the world somewhere, but there's five different types of perfectionists. And I first heard about this from my old therapist, who I love dearly, who he said to me you know, the manicured lawn is what we think of when we think of perfectionism. The neighbor whose lawn is overgrown could be just as much of a perfectionist, but they're so scared of doing it wrong that they don't even try.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:And right away. It's so much compassion. It was like a fictitious neighbor, but my heart went out to that person.
Speaker 2:I get that, I get that deeply.
Speaker 1:It's so right on. The funny thing is like my lawn. I mow it like a drunk monkey. I have no perfectionism about my lawn, I'm just picking up poo with my dog's poop and I'm like listening to a podcast or music and I forgot a spot and I turn around Like I use it as like my place to just go buck wild. But I have other areas that I do lean towards perfectionism and I feel like again a yes, and it's this idea of how can you make your perfectionism, which is what Catherine talks about in her book but how can you make it more of a superpower and more adaptive than maladaptive?
Speaker 1:The reason that we all cringe at perfectionism or take pride in it really is the pride is more of the adaptive, but the maladaptive is the. When we're looking at it like, oh, the perfectionism is debilitating. There's so much shame in it One, it's exhausting, it's exhausting and there's no end to it. So that's, I also would create a character. I would say, okay, when you think of yourself as a perfectionist, let's talk to that part, and then we create a character. So it might be like perfectionistic Pete, or it might be perfectionistic Pauline, or whatever, and then it's almost like you're peeling off a particle of clothing and there's more room for you to reach your higher self when you see a part of yourself, because it's not cramping your mental. So then you immediately again are like oh honey, and so there's more self-compassion.
Speaker 1:The one visual I'll leave your listeners with is I always think of and this is a shout out in honor of Matthew Perry, who all of us were so heartbroken universally with that what a love and light for our world.
Speaker 1:I used to, and I still do, use the scene in Friends, the one where Joey puts on all of his clothes and is like, could I be wearing any more clothes? And he busts into Monica and Rachel's apartment, and I've used that picture in presentations and I still use that visual as like this is your mind with other people's thoughts? It's not your thoughts. So when you take them all off and it immediately creates a sense of levity and play, which is what I consistently aim to bring in, because I can get super heavy, I am very ups and downs, you know, like many people probably who are listening may have a tendency to get very depressed and very anxious and very excited. And at the same time, when you can bring levity into it and normalize it and create the shared human experience of like. Oh my gosh, we do all do that and we do all feel that, and how we allow ourselves the space to feel more whole over perfect is so unique to us. So it's the whole idea of like. Stories are personal, the lessons are universal.
Speaker 2:So if somebody who may be holding on to perfectionistic tendencies and it is preventing them from moving forward with what it is because I think that that's often the case you see younger people with more energy overdo it and order two people, please, and be quote, unquote perfect, and then, as we get older, we can't even start because we can't do it. Perfect wire, would you do it? Are we just going to decision? But you at least recognize the energy that was involved in doing it. Perfect before is probably not there in the same way. So I'm going to just focus in on saying I'm more of the folks that it's hard to get off first base.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And as they see it as just being daunting, how can they start to look at this differently and make choices to let in the messy? You know we've talked a lot about this in the world of Kathy Heller, of really taking messy action. You know that for the first few times I heard it was like ew, that doesn't feel right. But we will say, the more I've gotten used to the term, oh, giving myself permission to explore without necessarily going too far.
Speaker 1:So you just hit a keyword which I think will probably resonate with your audience. More than messy, majority of perfectionists do not like messy, and even though messy perfectionist is one of the perfectionists in Catherine's book, explore that is the operative word. If it's looked at as more of an exploration. Going back to your word of expansion, it creates that sense of expansion, it creates that sense of excitement. It creates a sense of hands rubbed together, like what's going to happen. It's like the energy that's different, that's behind and this is an exercise that you can do. Okay, so I have two that are coming. Very clearly, you're wanting to do something. It's new. You keep getting debilitating paralysis. Right, analysis, paralysis Two things. It could be getting a great quote, for sure. I get it If you're a writer and Lamont, who I absolutely love shitty first drafts.
Speaker 1:Everybody writes a shitty first draft. You just got to get it out and then that's it, and that helps normalize it. However, there are two other. One is what if? So to write out all of the what ifs that you're terrified of, and it doesn't matter, it's so subjective to you, nothing's too big or small, or I can't believe. I care about what someone in high school is saying so I can't believe, I care, it doesn't matter, because if you keep it in it's just going to clog the pipe. That's right. I always say it's like when you have gross, filthy hair in your pipes, in your plumbing. That's exactly what the thoughts are doing and I make it gross because people are like I want that out, I'm like awesome, so let's write out.
Speaker 1:So you take a piece of paper, give you like a classic legal, you do the T and at the top you write what if? And you write all the things that you're like what if? This is going to happen. Oh my gosh, all the things giving you anxiety. And then you take a breath and then on the other side you shift to the excitement of what if? I just got chills just even thinking like someone wants to start a podcast, right, and they go through all the debilitating what ifs and they're heavy and they're cringy and all that stuff. And then all of a sudden they take a breath and they shift to what if. So I will say to clients physically turn yourself, your body in a different direction, like turn yourself towards the terrifying what if? Then physically turn yourself towards the light of the fork in the road, and there's probably many other forks and paths. But what if? What if this brings in so many amazing opportunities? What if I end up, you know, speaking to people that sparks so much amazing collaboration? What if someone hears this and their life is saved? And then you rip the paper, you safely burn the what if side that is not serving you and you pin the what if side. That is where you're going to see it. You can take it further and you can lean in, just like we did before with your traveling to see all the feel, go through each what if and go through that entire experience through the senses, through the feeling. It's that reticular activating system, right, that sees what it is before you're actually experiencing it, so you can expand for that joy, like you were saying. So that piece is huge.
Speaker 1:And the second is and I share this with clients who come to me for presenting, for being more visible, for being on camera, on the mic, for podcasts, on stages, whatever is in addition to what if, who are you doing it for?
Speaker 1:And if you think of a cause, of who you're doing it for, if you think of heart centered, I mean I'll look at it like sometimes I get behind the podcast.
Speaker 1:Or I might get like, oh, I got to get on Instagram, I don't know what I'm going to say. Or I might do the podcast. I might just feel tired, or may feel nervous, and if I can think of either a client or the general population of heart centered high achievers and I say, oh my gosh, there is a heart centered high achiever out there who has such a beautiful, passionate soul and is so stuck in their head and we need her light and we need his light. I'm on that mic. Nobody can stop me from getting on the mic. If I do it for my kids, if I do it for my future self, if I do it for my past self, if I do it for my grandmother, it doesn't matter who you're doing it for, it's just someone to you. And you can even put your hands on your heart and say share with me one person I can dedicate this to, or a group of people I can dedicate this to, and it'll come and now. Your energy is going out instead of crushing you in.
Speaker 2:I love it. Christy. This has been so fascinating and I love your energy. We need to do more of this and we will. We will so many different places to collaborate now, but tell people where they can find you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so they can find me on Instagram at Christy Mandoir, and they can find me at, so to speak, dot com, s O W T O S P E A K dot com, and I'm going to be coming up on November 28 with a free to our workshop that is, sharing my favorite tips on how to get out of your head and back into your life, your heart. And it's perfect because it's like in the thick of the holidays DAZ, the Daisy days of the holidays.
Speaker 2:So we will include links to find Christy and listen to her podcast in the show notes for sure, please do look her up. She's going to have information on this class on the 28th, so we'll make sure that everybody has access to that as well. I just want to thank you again. I love being with you, I love spending time with you, and I am holding my cup up here of tea, saying cheers to the beginning of more really great conversations.
Speaker 1:Thank you Absolutely, michelle. Thank you so much, this was fantastic.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening to today's episode. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please take a moment to rate and review. If you have recommendations for future topics, please reach out to me at Michelle Rios official dot com. Lastly, please consider supporting this podcast by sharing it. Together, we can reach, inspire and positively impact more people. Thank you.