From Victim to Victor with Vincent Infante

In this episode of the Live Your Extraordinary Life Podcast, I'm joined by Vincent (Vin) Infante, a talented and experienced licensed therapist and mental performance coach.  Vin combines traditional therapy, mentoring, leadership, and mindset coaching to lead his clients through what he sees as a more effective form of self-mastery and rapid results.  Using a  combination of psychology, mindset, behavior, neurology, and physiology Vin helps individuals unlock and achieve their unique definition of success.

In our conversation, Vin shares how his own struggles with self worth, anxiety, and intense bullying  as an adolescent shaped his path. He also provides insight into how limiting beliefs kept him stuck in a victimhood mindset and how he eventually overcame his limiting beliefs to become the  leader and mentor he is today.

This episode explores  the realms of self-worth, societal expectations, and the immense power of love. Vin and I share personal tales of transformation, inner struggles, and the ultimate realization of our true worth. We  also broach the sensitive topic of suicidal ideation and Vin shares his personal experience and extends a supportive hand to anyone feeling trapped in their own existential dilemmas.

The conversation then turns to  demystifying the process of becoming who we truly want to be and navigating our internal and external worlds. So, gear up for a thought-provoking expedition into the farthest corners of human consciousness and learn to align your daily activities with personal fulfillment.

This is a stimulating, not to be missed,  discussion about transformation and what it means to live an extraordinary life.

Connect with Vin:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/vin.infante/
Website: https://www.vincentinfante.life/press

Connect with Michelle Rios:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.rios.official/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.c.rios
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3ahwTlqiLU&list=PL-ltQ6Xzo-Ong4AXHstWTyHhvic536OuO
Website: https://michelleriosofficial.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

People think they have to chase. You don't have to chase anything in this world. All you have to do is become it and then trust that it will be there, because your external world is a result of your internal. You will only have the things around you that you already are, that you are already putting out.

Speaker 2: 0:20

Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. This podcast is built on the premise that life is meant to be joyful, but far too often we settle for less. So if you've ever thought that something is missing from your life, that you were meant for more, or you simply want to experience more joy in the everyday, then this podcast is for you. Each week, I'll bring you captivating personal stories, transformative life lessons and juicy conversations on living life to the fullest, with the hope to inspire you to create a life you love on your terms, with authenticity, purpose and connection. Together, we'll explore what it means to live an extraordinary life, the things that hold us back and the steps we all can take to start living our best lives. So come along for the journey. It's never too late to get started, and the world needs your light.

Speaker 3: 1:22

Hi everyone, Welcome to this week's episode of the Live your Extraordinary Life podcast. I am your host, Michelle Rios, and we have a special treat today. We have with us Vincent Infante. He is a licensed a go-therapist, a mental performance coach, a keynote speaker, an entrepreneur, a dad, former firefighter, and my understanding is his experience spans everywhere, from hospitals to homeless shelters, to clinics and more, and the work that he's doing now really encompasses all these modalities of therapy, mentoring and coaching to help people overcome their limiting beliefs and really show up as the best versions of themselves. So I am thrilled that he's here spending time with me today. Vin, thanks so much for coming on the show.

Speaker 1: 2:12

There's nowhere. I'd rather be Michelle.

Speaker 3: 2:14

I love it. Okay, we're going to start right off with the question I ask all my guests, which is what does it mean to you to live your extraordinary life?

Speaker 1: 2:25

I don't have a specific answer for that, not because I didn't prepare, but because, because I've come to learn, especially through my own life experiences, that things will always shift and change. I can tell you what it means to live my extraordinary life at this moment, which is going to answer your question, but I do not know what it will continue to be, because as life changes, so do I. Right now, for me, in this moment, living my extraordinary life is getting to be alongside people on their journey of personal development and self-transformation. It's the opportunity to speak on stages to audiences and people. Most importantly, it is to be a dad. I love spending time with my daughter. She's the greatest thing since sliced bread, as if sliced bread was even that great to begin with.

Speaker 3: 3:17

But I don't know why that's a term.

Speaker 1: 3:20

And ultimately I also just like what I do in life, Like I built a life that I am happy with. People like to take vacations or do getaways because they don't like their lives. I don't care to go anywhere. I don't really care to be out of my house. I am very happy with everything I do every day.

Speaker 3: 3:39

I love it. I think thought on about the reality is the answer to the question what does it mean to live your extraordinary life? It's going to have to evolve as you evolve as an individual, but I appreciate where you are right now and it's good to be a dad. How old is your daughter?

Speaker 1: 3:55

She's stepping into the terrible twos, all right.

Speaker 3: 3:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Oh yeah.

Speaker 3: 4:00

Showing her personality.

Speaker 1: 4:02

Yeah, I mean, she's got my personality, which is the greatest and worst thing ever, because she's as stubborn as I am and you know how most kids this is how I already know. I'm in trouble with her because most kids, if you take something and you put it out of sight, they like forgetting exists. She has never had that and I know that people will probably sit here and be like this guy's, full of shit, because that is truly how it works developmentally. I swear on everything in this world. My daughter has never had that. She has never, like you could take something from her and hide it. She will know where it is and she will persistently go after it and then she will fight you to get to it and then, if you pull her away, she will fight you to get back to it until you can distract her with something that she deems is more interesting, which isn't often anything.

Speaker 3: 4:56

Dog with a bone. That's it 100%.

Speaker 1: 5:00

So that's how it's going and that's how it's always been.

Speaker 3: 5:03

Let's hope that this is the peak of the terribleness, because I'm a boy mom, so I don't have the experience of raising daughters, but I do have two very precocious nieces, and the youngest one is the one we're worried the most. She's the most outgoing, the most demonstrable all her feelings and the one we're most terrified of. This one is a firecracker. We are all going to be watching her. Oh man, you said something recently that really had me thinking. I think this is going to be a juicy, potentially even polarizing conversation, but I am excited to jump into it. You said and if I'm mistaken in this quote, correct me but there is no meaning to life. Not to say that it's pointless, but there is no meaning to life. And that made me pause when I heard you say that and say, hmm, ok, then let's go down that road. Tell me what you mean.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Yeah, that's correct. So a lot of times we're naturally curious as a species. Right? Humans are interesting because, at least from my knowledge, we are the only thing on this planet that is able to be curious outside of ourselves. And one of the biggest curiosities that I often get from people is I don't know what the meaning of life is, and everybody seems to think that this is a very complex question. If any of you listeners have ever sat there and wondered what is the point of life, I believe and this is what I also like to teach is that life is meaningless, and that's not to be confused with life being pointless. If life was pointless, we shouldn't be here, right? If life was pointless and you truly believe that there's probably no reason for you to exist anymore. That's what the understanding of pointlessness is. However, meaningless is different. When I say that life is meaningless, it's because of the fact that and, michelle, maybe you can agree on this we don't all agree that there was one dedicated purpose to life. Would you agree with that?

Speaker 3: 7:09

I don't know, but that's what I want to dig in with you, because I do think there is an overriding purpose to life. But that probably gets into a philosophical conversation around spirituality or not, right? But I want to hear you and then we can delve into, maybe, where we converge and diverge on the topic.

Speaker 1: 7:27

All right, let's do it. I'll just go full rant mode then. So when I'm saying that there is no one true purpose to life, I do believe this. I do believe that we are all put here for a reason, that we all have something we are supposed to achieve. You cannot find purpose, you can only unveil it. It is within and you must find it within.

Speaker 3: 7:50

Okay, well, we definitively agree. We're mutually on the same page at that point.

Speaker 1: 7:55

Right, because you cannot go out and find your purpose. It's already here.

Speaker 3: 7:58

It's all inside.

Speaker 1: 8:00

Correct Now, when I'm getting to the whole life is meaningless thing is that we're not all sitting here saying the point of life is to be an artist. Right, because if that was the case, if life had an inherent purpose, it would be a very clear-cut thing where everybody would be working towards the same thing. That's the overarching aspect of life, right? It's like oh, the point of life is to be an artist. Everybody needs to be an artist or no one's going to feel fulfilled. However, I've come to see that life is up for interpretation.

Speaker 1: 8:29

When I say that life has no meaning, it is to say that you have the opportunity to choose meaning. You create meaning, you assign meaning through experiences, thoughts, behaviors, actions, the life you're living, the life you'd like to live. You always have an opportunity, but there is no actual inherent meaning to any of it. Now here's another fun part of it is that you can always deviate from your destiny. I don't believe that just because you're put here for a specific reason or purpose that you have to follow through with it. I think that you might feel unfulfilled. I think that you might not live to your maximum potential If you're somebody who believes in rebirth, because you're here for learning a lesson and you don't learn it. Well, you're probably coming back, however, that's also the part of being human.

Speaker 1: 9:16

You could be born with a specific purpose and never reach it, never unearth it within yourself, never achieve it. But that isn't the same as defining life with meaning.

Speaker 3: 9:26

Let's stop there for a second. I just wanted to really hone in on that point. I actually fully agree with you that not everybody finds their purpose or lives their purpose, I think. In fact, what did they say? There's a book out there that was conducted by a hospice nurse out of Australia many years ago now, over a decade ago. She dealt with, obviously, people on their deathbed. One of the biggest regrets of the dying was not living a life that was true to themselves, not living a life that was one that they anticipated they should live. That actually shrinking back and trying to conform, not upset the apple cart, so to speak probably said it a lot more articulately than that. But, point being, the biggest regret she heard over and over and over again, thousands of people that she administered to at the end of life was a regret for not living a life true to themselves, what they thought they should be doing.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 3: 10:30

Which is so sad.

Speaker 1: 10:32

It's very sad. We see that all the time, though, but here's the kicker right You've probably heard this quote before Is that a lot of people die at 26, but they don't get buried until they're 80.

Speaker 3: 10:45

Yeah, it's like what do they say? You can live for 75 years early of the same year, 75 times over and over and over again. Right, it's like that concept.

Speaker 1: 10:55

I believe this might also be a famous quote, but we adopted it at my high school because I was at a Catholic high school and we were the lions. Right, you have the quote. It says I'd rather live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep. I agree with that. It's like the lion does what he wants. The lion is the king. The lion will go out and live the best day every day, because the lion is in that present moment. The sheep is just walking around in the field grazing on some grass. Being told where to go and what to do Sounds awful. Would rather live one damn day as a lion.

Speaker 3: 11:26

Right, well, and it's this idea of I'd rather have more life in the years I'm given. Let's say I tap out at 50. I'd rather have a really phenomenal 50 years than really list, list 100. Right, more life in the years, not more years in the life. I mean. I'd like to live 90-something. I think my financial advisor is planning out for 97 years. So the plan is 97 really good years at this point.

Speaker 1: 11:56

Well, I would love to see you achieve all of them.

Speaker 3: 11:59

Right, okay, so you went to a Catholic high school. I'm Catholic. I wouldn't say I'm particularly practicing, but I think growing up Catholic it does shape your belief systems, right? I'm curious when you say life is meaningless, we give it meaning. I'm going to just pressure test that a little bit, because where are you on spirituality? What are your thoughts on spirituality Not religion, but spirituality at this point in your life?

Speaker 1: 12:30

My specific beliefs on spirituality is that it is a oneness with the universe, of the fact that we're all interconnected, that this right here is just an experience to be had for whatever purpose you're supposed to have in it. Kind of to what I was saying before about if you believe in rebirth I do. But I also base that part on science right, Because science states that there can be no more or less energy and or matter in the universe than there currently is Right. So even just by that, even if I came back to this planet or like once I died and I was just I don't know, freaking a parent in my next life, I'm still coming back, and some even if I'm just going to get eaten as a fruit. So you're always stepping into something else to figure out. Your spiritual energy goes somewhere and you're connected to everything.

Speaker 3: 13:20

Yeah, I had the privilege of being with my uncle in the last moments of life. I have to be honest, was not what. I was fine up for this, but he had been ill for a long time. This is now going back a decade and we knew that he had leukemia. He's pretty young, he's in his early 60s when he passed away and my aunt, we were like daughters to him and my aunt, and she said my sister and I come be with me in the end, and I didn't really know that we'd be in the room when he passed. But it happened that we were and we found this amazing fortitude that, quite frankly, I didn't think any of us would have until the moment happened, where we witnessed the transitioning of life, and there really aren't words to describe the experience other than we felt his presence move on from that room. Where it went, I don't know, but that life was there and then life was not in his body anymore and you felt the room go from warm to cold. We felt that just peace. Afterwards it was not a frightening thing, it was a very peaceful transition, but he held on and we had to talk him through letting go and transitioning and that really impacted me and I ended up doing some interviews.

Speaker 3: 14:49

In fact, I did a really fascinating one with a guy named Peter Pamagor who was a near-death experiencer and he has an experience His actual book is having, his beautiful is being turned into a movie and he was in Canada ice climbing, died on the face of the mountain, kind of thing, and he documented his experience and it's very similar to a lot of other near-death experiencers and I got the opportunity to interview him and asked him, first of all, what was the experience? And you'll have to go back and listen to it. I'll send you the link because it's one of those really mind blown, because there is this talk about the light. He did not see grandfathers and grandmothers. He thought light and this sense of wholeness on this other side, that he was being brought into light, that he was light and everything. That was this source.

Speaker 3: 15:47

And he was a former minister and went to Yale School of Divinity and so I was surprised to hear him say you know what you would call God? He's like what do you mean? What I would call it? You would call God right, and he's like well, the source of all things is what I knew. It would be in that moment that we were all the same. And I was like all the same. And he said all the same. And so I transitioned into what my natural state of being was. I knew it to be my true self that my human experience was a human experience. And I got the opportunity to come back, because he was quite young when it happened and he said can I go back? My parents have already lost one child. I don't think they can lose another. And he was given the opportunity to go back. He said it was the most painful reintegration, not that he had done it before, but he said it was very painful to be reintegrated.

Speaker 3: 16:39

He was like it was not like, and boom, I'm back and all as well. He's like it was painful, because kind of similar maybe to what you think. And he said there were actually many options, there were many doors presented and he was shoved into one specific door and he said it was clear to me that there were many potential outcomes of my life. But I was put down one specific hallway and I was like amazing. And so my big question to him was OK, what does it all mean? If you went back to what you assume is your true essence, a spiritual being of sorts, what's the whole point? Getting back to what's the point of life, and again his point of view, you can tell me what you think. He said two things. What's the only thing that the all-knowing being, or source of everything, or God, whatever you want to call it, universe, cannot experience? Do you know the answer to that?

Speaker 1: 17:39

I would assume mortality.

Speaker 3: 17:41

Limitation. And he said human experience by nature is limited and so the unlimited source of all of it experiences limitation through human life, and that the reason why we talk about the divinity within us is because God dwells within us. The source of all life is in us. And his interpretation he said so OK, and what are we here to learn? And he said one thing love. And that really hit me profoundly. And he said so it doesn't matter if you're the artist or the firefighter or the teacher or the architect or whatever you are, but that the journey is a journey of will you learn and will you experience love. So again, his experience on it. But what are your thoughts?

Speaker 1: 18:35

I agree with the love point. I do think that at the end of the day, even when I'm talking to specific clients of mine, there is always a conversation of how do you get back to your source, where I believe the source is love, like we already have it within us, and I think that it's more about being able to actually continuously experience it throughout life, because in my understanding of spirituality, god, that interconnectedness we are at, that deepest form, is love. That's just it, and this is just my thought. Right, it's like I don't know if it's that it's to experience it, because I think we're already born with it. I think it's to live within it, which maybe enhances the experience of it.

Speaker 3: 19:19

Love that, ben, I love that.

Speaker 1: 19:22

Thank you. I mean, well, look at a baby. A baby knows nothing but love. It's as we go through life that we start losing love. Because we make life complex, we start seeing things that all of a sudden takes away from our ability to experience love.

Speaker 1: 19:36

I like a lot of stoic teachings, because stoicism focuses a lot, not necessarily on love, but I think you enhance or have more love because of stoicism, where it's focused on the self, it's focused on meeting life with enthusiasm, and as we get older, we get these things that tell us maybe you shouldn't be meeting life with enthusiasm, Maybe this is supposed to be painful, or maybe this isn't supposed to happen, or you can't extend love to this person because of this belief system or because this thing happened to you, or because they did this and this means that, et cetera. And I think being able to live a life of love where you continuously give it despite what happens to you or maybe even more appropriately, because of what happens to you, depending on the kind of person you are and your experiences, you will ultimately feel more fulfilled. Giving love is better than whatever crappy belief system you're holding on to, so I always encourage that.

Speaker 3: 20:32

I love this. This is fascinating. I don't know what I was expecting in our conversation, but I'm really enjoying this thoroughly. Let me step further because I'm very curious Then for you. We all go through that period of time I always talk about. Nobody ever judges a baby right. Going back to the baby analogy nobody says, oh look, it's not doing anything, it's not worthy of luck.

Speaker 1: 20:56

Useless baby.

Speaker 3: 20:57

Right, useless baby, baby's doing nothing. It comes into this world probably knowing a lot but not doing anything, and we just shower it with love and attention. But by the time that child is probably three or four years old, we start immediately assigning judgment oh, he's not speaking quickly enough. Oh, she's not very coordinated. Oh, his language skills aren't as good. Oh, she is acting out. And we start to then assign value and worth right.

Speaker 3: 21:29

And certainly for me I was probably only a happy-go-lucky child until about six or seven. And then my world sort of went crashing down upon me when I learned well, wait a minute. My parents were married when, ok, I was born, when that doesn't make sense. The babies come after nine months. And then I was a mate. I wasn't planned. What are you talking about? I was an actor and it was this very shameful, heavy, awful experience of then trying to earn love and validation and prove that I was worth bringing into this world, and any of them asked that. But that was immediately the feeling that it invoked in a very young me and it set me off in a path of like proving my worth right. A lot of us do.

Speaker 3: 22:19

My first awakening moment came in my mid twenties, very dark period. Outwardly, achieving a lot, outwardly, the it girl. Outwardly living now life, traveling, great job, full tuition, scholarship to grad school, internally dying a thousand deaths because I felt empty, didn't have any meaning and so disconnected and that was a word I used a lot how do you feel disconnected? That was actually hitting rock bottom, and that point for me is what actually allowed me to kind of wake up to this idea of wait a minute. I am disconnected from my spirit. I don't know what just happened, but that was the first of many awakening moments. How about you? When did you have your first sort of like, a ha moment of like? Oh wait, my spirit, my ability to connect with source, and all of this is in my power.

Speaker 1: 23:24

I'd like to say my biggest life altering moment was at 23 years old. When I call my moment in the mirror I'll give everybody a little pre-context just so that they understand, kind of where I came from is that throughout my whole life I had struggled with being bullied. I had struggled with getting diagnosed with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, a lot of suicidal ideation, self harm, and these things persisted, I could honestly tell you, probably as far back as kindergarten, being always somewhat of an outcast. So for my entire life things continued to elevate from literally like kindergarten, where K to five was more of the innocent kind of teasing, being the butt of jokes and just overall feeling a little embarrassed because people are signaling you out or kind of avoiding you, and then six to six to eight was the middle school experience, where now you're starting to get not only the ostracization but then there's physical things going on, because now kids are in their teens and they're a little bit more aggressive and so you get that more heavy handed bullying.

Speaker 1: 24:30

And obviously high school is like I don't even know that, one's just wild, like I got thrown in a trash can at one point. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, it's terrible. I was late to class that day, but you know there's a lot of you weren't ready for that. No, got the tension for being late too.

Speaker 3: 24:46

On top of it, the unsanitary yeah man, that's such a great story but I'll spare everybody for it right now, because we don't need it, it's not relevant.

Speaker 1: 24:57

But high school was the elevated part of my bullying. That let me know like my life needed to change. And so I'm going into college. If you've ever seen that movie, anyone listening the new guy I, if you've ever seen that movie, I'm going to be like. I'm going to be like I'm going to be like I'm going to get a job. I, it felt like that. So then the premise of the movie is this guy is like a loser and he's getting peaked on it. And then he goes to the school where nobody knows him and all of a sudden he's this cool guy.

Speaker 3: 25:22

He's the new guy.

Speaker 1: 25:23

He's the new guy my little Marquez Cullius. Yeah, I met him about two weeks ago. He's a great guy.

Speaker 3: 25:30

That's right, we talked about him. He has a new guy story. He talks about how he was the skinniest, tallest guy, totally like the guy nobody he wanted to hang out with, not popular, you know with the poor kids, so sort of ostracized. I totally identified with that. And then he went on vacation with his parents, were divorced. He went on vacation with his dad and his dad's family and he told himself nobody where we're going, knows who I am.

Speaker 1: 25:58

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 25:58

And he walked off that plane standing tall and like just just seeming this new persona, and it totally changed his experience of life. He was now the new kid and the cool kid, he's like it flipped the script completely.

Speaker 1: 26:15

Right, yeah, I actually think it's a know a lot of his personal story. But the fun thing is when I met him, so we were hanging out, we were at David Meltz's office hours and we were all there filming and the guy's just like standing there as a beacon. You know, I'm looking at him, I'm like all right. First up, he's the best looking man in this room, so tall. Second up, yeah, I was like you're the best looking guy in this room. You got the best smile, you get the best dress. Like, yeah, who are you man? He is a great dresser, yeah, phenomenal, absolutely. He changed suits. Listen, I don't know if I should blow this secret of his. I don't know if it's a secret.

Speaker 3: 26:56

Last week we were just promoting his episode.

Speaker 1: 26:59

Well, you know what, for anybody who's listening, you'll have fun with this. The man changed suits for freaking times and I loved it, and everybody else loved it too, because it shows his dedication to just putting his best foot out there. Yeah Right, he really wanted to make sure he was fresh for different shots and scenes and guests, and it was a great thing to witness. I mean a little BTS stuff that people might not know about.

Speaker 3: 27:25

All right, so we digress. But you were saying the new guy analogy yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:29

Yeah, so the new guy, so coming into college. There's that phrase that stuck out in my head. It stuck out in my mind, which is at one point in life, if you really want to change things, you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that was ultimately what it came down to for me. I was tired of not getting any girls Like I got pants by my middle school crush in the schoolyard. Michelle, I have so many stories we did not even have time for it.

Speaker 3: 27:53

But let me tell you Nobody knows, don't feel bad for them, because he ends up marrying the beautiful girl and has the beautiful family now, so it all ends well for them.

Speaker 1: 28:02

No, yeah, my life is great. Most of those people are fat now, but here's the big.

Speaker 3: 28:07

They didn't age as well.

Speaker 1: 28:09

Yes, I've aged like wine, they've aged like milk. But the biggest thing is, after having this realization, I was like, okay, I need to start changing myself. And I started working out, I grew a beard, I started dressing differently and started changing up a lot of my persona so that I was no longer this weird kind of chubby kid who was awkward, who had no friends and no girls and no nothing. And you know, mind you, my parents didn't grow up rich either. Right, you know, my parents were maybe low to mid middle class, like they were never super wealthy. My first car was a 1990 car, when it was, mind you, year 2009, at a 1993 car, and it's just, we weren't super up there.

Speaker 1: 28:51

But I had a good life to some degree. You know, from my family, and going into college was me trying to reinvent myself, and it worked externally, but internally it did not. So externally I started making friends, girls started getting interested in me, but, funny enough, because I never had girls interested in me, I didn't know what that was. So girls would wind up asking my guys to be like yo, what's up with your friend? Like, why is he like so weird? And why is he weird? It's like, well, like I flirted with him and he just walked away from me and it was like yeah, I didn't know.

Speaker 1: 29:24

I was like, lady, you could have fricking sat on my lap naked. I would have thought you were trying to sit on someone else like that.

Speaker 3: 29:31

They're shut down. We would have been friends. We would have been friends. We would have been great friends.

Speaker 1: 29:40

But you know, that's ultimately what it was. Even if I liked the girl, I couldn't ask her out. I liked this one girl and I was like, yeah, like you want to go to the gym.

Speaker 3: 29:50

That was your idea of a date.

Speaker 1: 29:52

That was me telling her I was interested in her. Yes, so I wound up basically not being able to do a lot of things, not being able to understand women, not being able to really maintain good friendships. And then here's the biggest kicker is, though I worked on the externals, the internals were a mess, right. So I had like this anxious attachment style where, if a friend didn't invite me out, I immediately thought like, oh man, what did I do wrong? Like they're not inviting me out? There, I was the other guys, I didn't get an invite. And then I immediately like spiral, if a girl didn't text me back in, like the few hours to a day, I was like, oh, she's not interested in me. And I was always this thing of continuously discounting and making it seem like life was worse than it was.

Speaker 3: 30:35

Well, but because your self-worth wasn't there.

Speaker 1: 30:37

I had none zero like self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem none. I called my therapist often because I would get panic attacks. I was extremely anxious. I really couldn't even make a decision without consulting with my therapist first, because I was petrified of making the wrong decision. Because in my mind I have made so many wrong decisions that the true outcome of my life is that I am incapable of anything, which is funny because I also was a personal trainer. I also was a mental health worker at a hospital and I also was on route and did graduate with honors in psychology, was a lead presenter at the undergrad conference for psychological research study I was a part of, and wound up getting accepted to every single master's program I applied for.

Speaker 3: 31:24

So what if the failure wasn't an option? If you're a failure, what was the paralyzing part for you? Because it's hard to believe that that was ever your situation, because you are confident and you are so well-spoken and you are guiding so many people and having such a tremendous impact. It's hard to believe that not so long ago, but in another lifetime, this was what was occurring for you. What was the limiting belief?

Speaker 1: 31:53

What was the thing?

Speaker 1: 31:55

The thing was that I had just never been worthy of anything. When do people contemplate suicide? Mostly when they feel like there's nothing for them. I sit here now and I still get to reflect on the fact that one of the biggest things is I'm still here. I mean, I can't even tell you. There were many times where I didn't think I would be. There was only two things.

Speaker 1: 32:22

Well, I don't think any of your listeners really know me, but if any of them are subscribed to my newsletter by any chance, I recently put out one that talks about how the biggest reasons that I never committed suicide because there were only two of them was one that I didn't believe it was my job to do that. I didn't believe it's my decision to determine when my life is supposed to end, kind of like a let God figure that out. The last piece was because usually when you're at that place, you feel like nothing matters, and especially you. My mom always used to tell me how she loved me and I was her world. She didn't know how she'd live without me. The thought of her walking in and finding my body was probably the biggest thing that actually stopped me.

Speaker 1: 33:08

Because the ultimate truth, despite what people like to say nowadays, is that suicide is extremely selfish. You do not consider the void or the pain that anybody else is going to feel when you're gone. Quite frankly, if you commit suicide, why would you? You no longer have to deal with it. However, you leave a painful hole in the lives of everybody else that's around you, even if you don't think you matter. My last newsletter promoted that story and also said your presence should be everyone's present. This year it's like a little December theme newsletter of Christmas, but it really is. Your presence matters. You have no idea how much more you might be meant for than that moment or this moment that you're currently struggling with. That was my biggest thing is not knowing, not feeling like I had anything to offer, and constantly in a state living in victimhood. I've spent a lot of time probably more time because I'm still a bit young, right but I've spent more time funny enough living as a victim than I have lived as an empowered leader, which is probably even more interesting, right.

Speaker 3: 34:17

I would just hire listeners just to qualify. Here then, and I are only 18 months apart.

Speaker 1: 34:24

Actually Michelle's the younger one. She's only 30.

Speaker 3: 34:27

I'm sticking to it. I'm sticking to it. What you said is so profound because, as someone who also went through a phase, I would say love, suicidal contemplation. And in the moment when you are thinking that is the only relief you're going to have, that's the thought process. Right, you're like I need to not feel all of these things. I feel For me.

Speaker 3: 34:56

I don't think it was a worthiness issue, that I mean it ultimately probably was, but what I was thinking was this is too heavy to bear. It got to be too much. The being in my life and in walking in my shoes had become such a burden because I didn't know we had an on switch and an off switch. My on switch had been on for more than two decades, going at 150 miles an hour, and I was blown out. What I didn't see is I'm on that treadmill and I didn't see any relief, no relief coming. Is this a treadmill? It's a treadmill to nowhere. But I think to your point you feel like, oh, I'm going to be on the treadmill, there's nothing for you. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? It's for nothing. It feels like it's for nothing. At that moment of pulling yourself back into reality, the first thing I thought was I can't do this to my parents.

Speaker 1: 35:50

Yeah, you know what's funny too. I want to play on that analogy real quick, because we understand a treadmill is that it's going to go and we just walk on it. To strengthen that analogy, I would say that it's more along the lines when you're in victimhood, it's more along the lines, not of a treadmill, but of one of those athletic training machines where the treads run faster or go faster as you run faster, but the minute you stop it also stops. I've come to see that that's ultimately what living in victimhood is, because my outcomes were shaped by the way I wasn't participating. I had to emphasize that, because there's only two ways to live life you can either passively experience it or consciously create it.

Speaker 1: 36:39

I wasn't participating. I was passively experiencing it. I was letting my emotions control me. I was reactive, not proactive. I was choosing actions and behaviors, not an alignment to my character, but alignment to what was going on around me. I was choosing my thoughts by filling my mind with crappy information. I was utilizing language that did not serve me to describe situations and things in life. Ultimately, I was creating terrible meanings without even realizing or knowing. I was doing that because I wasn't actively participating and consciously creating. That's really what it comes down to when you're living as a victim. You are passively experiencing, which means you are going to go wherever life tells you. It's not until you step into your power and you start consciously creating it that you have the opportunity to live a different life.

Speaker 3: 37:28

How did things turn around for you?

Speaker 1: 37:30

That was my moment in the mirror at 23 years old. This was at the time where my life was the best and absolute worst. I wound up finishing and graduating my master's program at 23. I was a fully licensed psychotherapist at 23 years old. The way I did that was I took summer courses, I took winter courses, I took as many credits as I could every semester. I also worked full time and part time as the year switched around and I went straight through. No spring break, no summer break, no winter break. I was always going and I finished it all at 23.

Speaker 1: 38:11

Now, at 23 years old, from working two jobs and getting my master's and all that stuff, I had some money in the bank and I also decided I'm going to take some time off before I actually go get my job and really start my career and figure something out. It was because I was having more and more panic attacks. I was having more and more mental breakdowns. I wanted to drop out of college. Once a month my dad would snap me back into reality. I'm like dad, I'm going to drop out of college. He's like that's fine. He's like just make sure you get a job and move out, because I'm not supporting you. I was like I'll stay in college.

Speaker 3: 38:47

A little reality check here, a little reality check.

Speaker 1: 38:51

I was like, yeah, that's cool, college maybe isn't that bad as I'm mentally going through and I'm like maybe college isn't terrible. Good job on my dad for keeping that tough love in there. Ultimately, in this moment, at 23 years old, I was looking at my life and I was like it's so interesting because I have everything society says should make you happy. It's like I'm a decent looking guy, I've got a hot girlfriend, I have a sports car. I had a Camaro SS performance exhaust. It was one of the first, to my understanding, in the tri-state area of New York because I got it from Jersey when New York had none.

Speaker 3: 39:28

You were a cool cat right then.

Speaker 1: 39:31

Oh yeah, I was really big into the car community because I had this car that nobody else had, because it had the brand new body style. It had a Corvette engine in it. It was ridiculous. People were always swarming me at car meets or people would roll down their windows on the road and be like dude, your car's sick. I'm living this really cool life. I've been working out, I started getting tattoos, I had a hot girlfriend, I had an awesome car, I have a master's degree at 23.

Speaker 1: 39:58

My life ahead of me, I got some money in the bank and I'm just miserable. Life just sucks. But life shouldn't suck because society says if I have all of these things, my life should be set and I should be grateful and I should be happy. If I'm not, I'm ungrateful, I don't deserve it, I have shitty perspective, which that part was true. But it makes it very hard to talk about these things because everybody looks at you and it's like well, you have everything, how are you miserable? And so there's like that other side of the judgment of can't really tell anybody you're going through stuff when your life is going good. So for me, I was completely perplexed and it wasn't until one day where, again, my frustration got me through something, which was the same thing that prompted me to start changing my externals right from high school to college. And so next day is the middle of summer and I'm home alone I still live with my parents and I don't remember I just got up. I was like laying in bed. And I got up and I was just so frustrated because I continued to rack my brain around like why am I so miserable? And I went into the bathroom and I slammed my hands on the counter and I'm just like what's wrong with me? I can't figure it out. I've been in therapy for years. It doesn't help at all. And there's one thing that I realized, and when I looked up from hanging my head over the counter and I stared myself in the eye it's like flip of the switch finally figured it out there's one piece of my story that I left out. Now, the one piece that I left out is going from high school to college.

Speaker 1: 41:30

On my college transcript, I wrote the name Vincenzo and my name is Vincent, but I wrote Vincenzo because I was the new guy. I had to create somebody else. However, what I realized in this moment of looking in the mirror is that I had to become someone else, to realize the only person I ever needed to be was me. And so when I looked in this mirror, I said, oh my God, I finally get it you're Vincent. And in that moment, everything just melted away. If I could tell you instantly, in that moment, my anxiety, my depression, my frustration, it just seemed to melt away like a river clearing debris. Because that was the first time in seven years, I said my own name, my actual name.

Speaker 1: 42:17

But what it actually was? So much more than that. It was me being willing to finally accept myself. More importantly than that, it was me being willing to take ownership, accountability and responsibility for my life, because, instead of trying to run away from Vincent, who I had deemed was a loser, who was not worthy, who was never anything of value, and created this Vincenzo guy, I did not spend the time accepting that I am Vincent, this is who I am. This is who I am Despite what's happened to me, and that doesn't matter.

Speaker 1: 42:52

And so, when I got clear on that, I had to ask myself some really interesting questions, because I believe the root of all change is sparked with your authenticity and your clarity. So I had to just ask who are you and who have you become, or who are you right now? And the answer was pretty simple. It's like, well, you're a loser, you're depressed, you're anxious, you got no friends, you're not really an inspiring guy. People pity you. That's your life. That is literally the life you're living and some people are like, wow, that was so hard on yourself. I was like it wasn't hard on myself, it was freaking honest. You can't do anything without honesty in this world. Especially, you want to talk about personal development and change. Try to change something you can't even be honest about. It's not happening.

Speaker 3: 43:36

Or something you can't articulate, right that is well, you can't name it, you can't change it.

Speaker 1: 43:41

Yeah, the lack of awareness will stop you from achieving the things you want in life. Awareness is the first thing, but the second part is then the question of who would you like to become, because the point of a goal is not about the goal itself. The point of the goal is who you must evolve into to live out that goal. So when people talk about manifesting, the less woo-woo mystical crap about it is that if you want to become a millionaire and you want to manifest a million dollars, don't focus on making the million dollars. Focus on becoming a person that could provide a million dollars worth of value. And then the next time you check your bank account, because you've become that person, the million dollars will be there and you didn't have to chase it. It came to you because you became the valuable source that provided it.

Speaker 3: 44:26

Hold that thought that's a big one. You just dropped a lot of info there and I want to make sure to be heard that it's not that you need to becoming, or I would say, evolving into who you're meant to be, that you need to chase it. You need to know what it feels like to be that person adding that value that that person would be adding. And then it's like the Wayne Dyer. I don't know if you've ever read Wayne Dyer, since he's been gone now a while, but-.

Speaker 1: 44:56

Love Wayne Dyer.

Speaker 3: 44:57

In my opinion, some of the most breakthrough stuff in one of his books was you'll see it when you believe it, right. And it always hit me as a young person going wait a minute, that title's wrong. It means you'll believe it when you see it right. No, you will see it when you believe it. And it was the early days of visualization, and I think that's a lot of what you're saying, right. You need to show up as that person who would add that kind of value and act that way and be that way and assume those personality traits and characters and, importantly, actions, thoughts and actions, and then it all falls into place.

Speaker 1: 45:35

Right, exactly.

Speaker 3: 45:36

There's no need to chase.

Speaker 1: 45:37

Yeah, people don't realize that. People think they have to chase. You don't have to chase anything in this world. All you have to do is become it and then trust that it will be there, because your external world is a result of your internal. You will only have the things around you that you already are, that you're already putting out.

Speaker 1: 45:55

I had to call out a client the other day. I don't want to deviate too far from the story, but she sent me a string of messages. She's like I'm in a toxic work environment. She's like look at how abusive and mean my boss is to me. And let me tell you that boss was extremely abusive and mean to her. But here's the kicker I love this client. I have no qualms with her, but this is part of my job as a coach to point out that you may not be getting the result in life because of the way you're participating in it, because you're not yet the thing that's going to get you the result.

Speaker 1: 46:26

What it was is the boss sent her an email and said I need this done ASAP. She sent him an email back, not even confirming that she would do the job, however, correcting that he didn't say please and thank you. He flipped out, told her how worthless she is, how she wasted his time, his money, the team, everybody, and then said I'm going to hand this off to someone else. And she was like I'm not telling you you have to hand it off, I'm just telling you I don't like the way you're speaking to me and he's like I'm done talking to you, like you're wasting my time. And so I read the messages and I was like, okay, I could see how you're in a pretty crappy work environment for a boss to talk to you like that. However, I also need you to understand you created the situation. It's not to defend him and it's not to put blame on you, but you said that you want to live a life that has less drama, that you have better boundaries and better standards.

Speaker 1: 47:14

I need you to understand you're the one that created the drama here, and it could be because of the fact that you're trying to learn how to stand up for yourself, and that's fine, but then that means you also need to learn place and time and how to nuance and et cetera, and there's so many other things you need to learn, but this is the ultimate part of it is that you are somehow contributing to your life, and that doesn't have to just be said for my client. That could be said for everyone who's listening, and myself included. You are participating in your life and you need to be able to become the thing you want to see. So you're either going to get outcomes that are unfavorable, which means your interactions are based on things you don't want, or you're going to get outcomes that are family favorable, which means you have finally become the person that's capable of achieving those outcomes, so they are going to be drawn to you.

Speaker 1: 48:01

Your internal world mirrors the external, vice versa, and so, with that being said, you have to take care of it in here first, and that was how I started to move forward, because now that I knew who I was and I knew what my external world represented, I understood why the results of my life were the way they were. So now I had to ask well, how do we shift the internal? Who must I become? More importantly, who do I want to become?

Speaker 3: 48:25

And I would go a step further. Who are you? You are already that Like that's still small voice within us that says I am that, but we don't feel worthy to claim that, and so I don't even know what we say become, but I think an often it's finally become who you were always meant to be, who you always were, who you are at your most authentic, which isn't actually describing or becoming something different than your true nature. It's actually stepping into your truest nature by taking off all the other layers, right? So I'd argue you are always that, but you didn't yet have the self-worth or awareness to claim that which you have become, which you always have been inside there.

Speaker 1: 49:10

I do believe that there are parts of us that we are. I also believe that there are parts of us that we do need to create, like, I don't disagree with you, but I also don't know if I could fully agree, because I don't think that, even if I was more in an empowered state but I can't even tell you because I was never there, but I don't think that I would be this kind of person I think that there's parts of me that I have built, because I know very clearly who I want to be and I constantly push through resistance to get there, because that's ultimately what life is going to be, and it's part of that clarity that prompts us to develop these pieces of ourselves. I am a homebody. I love nothing more than to be at home. I like to stay home. I like to work out, play video games, read and listen to some good music that's like my ideal day and play a good otter. Well, I mean, that's obvious, it doesn't even have to be stated. But you see, that's what I absolutely love. But you know, what my goal is Is to impact a billion lives positively by being on stages and speaking to hundreds of thousands of people, which is completely counter opposite to who I believe myself to be. Now, there's only one reason that I would push for that goal is because that is what I believe my purposes, that is what I have been building into.

Speaker 1: 50:28

I didn't just get up one day and decide I was going to be a speaker. I mean, to some degree I did, but I also needed to build that part of my persona because I never had that. I had trouble making friends and I was awkward and ostracized because I never was an outwardly spoken person Right. And I had to build that. I had to build the desire to get to know people, whereas my coach would say to me you have to learn to be more interested than interesting. And I had to develop these components. And that sparked or spurred from that moment where I asked myself who do you want to be, or who are you willing to be and who are you willing to work to become? And that's when it all came out. I was like I want to be a leader, I want to be loving, I want to be inspiring, I want to be excited, I want to be happy and joyous and I want to help others, I want to be strong. And then the very simple question follows, like okay, well, if you take each one of those components and you just still it down because I believe we all have, say, you probably heard of multiple personality disorder or maybe schizophrenia we all have multiple personalities within us. The problem that we sometimes have is, one, learning how to integrate them and two, learning what it means to be the best version of that.

Speaker 1: 51:40

So, in an exercise I like to do with all my clients, everybody get a pen, writes down, does a good exercise. You're listening. What I like to do is I like to tell them write down every single role in your life. So I'll use myself as an example. I am a father, I am a son, I am husband, I am entrepreneur, mental performance coach, I'm a therapist let's just use those because I have more. I'm a friend. We got to put friend in there, right, absolutely. So we got all these titles.

Speaker 1: 52:09

Now you start building, like these webs where it's? What would a great father look like? What would their attributes be? What would the values be? Well, they probably be present, they'd be conscious, they would give a lot of quality time. But now you take those attributes and you web it out even further.

Speaker 1: 52:28

So what does presence look like. Well, I'm not checking my phone. When I'm with my daughter, I dedicate X amount of time to her per day. When I'm playing with her, I'm playing with her. She has my attention. My phone is like in the next room.

Speaker 1: 52:42

So now I've defined presence. Now we can define other parts of it, and as you get more and more and more and more granular, it starts becoming extremely clear and compelling as to who you need to become by just taking those actions. And then, as you live that out every single day, you are it, and so I've always said you have to believe it before you become it. Because we take actions, behaviors. All of that is tied and in line to our identity. You are going to act based on who you believe yourself to be. So you must believe it and become it before the external world can experience it, because your daughter may not experience your presence right now If you're somebody who's never been present because she's not used to it. However, as you stay true to being a present father or mother apparent, you will ultimately create that your external world will shift, there'll be things to change and now, all of a sudden, your life is just reflecting who you've already been and just worked on creating in that external circumstance.

Speaker 3: 53:46

Beautifully said, beautifully said. Before we wrap, I want to ask you about alignment. What does alignment mean to you?

Speaker 1: 53:53

I'd like to believe that alignment is when you do things every single day that bring meaning into your life, and I don't think it has to be super complex. Come to find when people are not happy it's a misalignment. When people are happy it's an alignment. If I had somebody hey, everybody, take out a pen again. If I had, you go ahead and write down everything you do in a day, right, actually, first, before we do that, write down in this current moment in your life, are you happy or sad? And then write down every single thing you do throughout your day and I will guarantee with like 99% accuracy, if you wrote that you're sad, chances are the things you do every day are not things that are inspiring your happiness.

Speaker 1: 54:39

And don't get me wrong, it's not that we need to live a life that is extremely abundant and happy all the time, because that's also bullshit. However, there is a ratio where if seven days a week, six and a half days, you're doing things that are making you miserable, it's pretty obvious you're going to be unhappy, but it's also obvious that you're probably unaligned. Conversely, if you're doing more things every day that are leading to fulfillment or happiness or purpose or productivity, productivity is a big one. I believe alignment comes from productivity too, so if you're doing things like that, you're going to be on the happiness side of things. So my challenge to people is to just look at what do you do every single day if you want to find your alignment and start building it into something that you actually feel purposeful, productive and positive about.

Speaker 3: 55:24

Yeah, I love that. I think the idea of when you know what your core values are and then you actually look at what your activities are and how you spend your time, and if you're saying, hey, family is really at the top of my core values, and then you look at how you spend your time, you're like I'm not actually spending time with family You're going to feel unaligned, right, and the converse is true. Right, Let that fulfillment comes with. Hey, your core values of what you state that you want, you state that matters to you like what really matters truly to you, and then how you spend your time are somehow incongruent. That's when you feel fulfilled.

Speaker 1: 56:01

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 56:01

Then I'm going to give you the last word. What do you have coming up in 2024? That's exciting for you. What is it that you're working on that really lights you up?

Speaker 1: 56:11

Well, right now I'm working on a few different things. I have a business partner and we're developing a really great CRM for small businesses, entrepreneurs, consultants, coaches, and so I'm really excited to put that out. I think it's going to be great. I already have a few people that are honestly excited for it and ready to jump in. I just the software is not ready.

Speaker 1: 56:32

I am extremely excited because I'm finally going to fulfill my own belief that community is extremely important, and come January I'm looking to launch a group coaching program and a coaching community. So both of those will be a little bit different and congratulations, thank you. But you know what? The biggest reason I'm excited about those two is because of the fact that I'm in a space where I would probably consider myself somewhat of a high-tech coach, and in doing that, I work with bigger companies and organizations doing mental performance work. But I never forget that chances are, the person that's paying me a ticket a high-value ticket might need the help and the support less than somebody that can't afford it.

Speaker 1: 57:17

And though I look at my high-ticket coaching as being a great way to sustain my livelihood and provide a great livelihood to my family, I want to reach more people. I want to help more people. I want to do it in a more affordable way, so that's why I started doing it with these lower-ticket offers that I'm looking to launch in the next month, because I want to enhance impact. I am on that mission to impact a billion lives and I believe I'm going to do it through building community. Hopefully, 2024 yields more speaking engagements. That's what I'm really excited about, and I recently started maybe about a month ago writing my book, so maybe that'll be done in 2024.

Speaker 3: 57:52

I love this. For anybody who hasn't had the experience of being in a group coaching environment, it really is, to VIN's point, a phenomenal way, at a very low-cost intersection, to experience community and experience a lot of the personal development modalities that are out there and to be able to work with a coach like VIN, which I think is just enriching in so many ways. So, thank you, I'm so happy for you. I think it's going to be a great year ahead. Where can people find you, vin?

Speaker 1: 58:27

I would love for people to check out my Instagram. It's at vinninfante. I'm on all social medias as VIN Infante, so whatever your favorite platform is, you could also check out my website. It's vinninfantelife. And, if you don't mind, I would love to tell people I have some free resources.

Speaker 3: 58:44

Yes, please, and we will make sure that we get the links and include them in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 58:48

Yeah, just there's a few free resources on my website and this is again a part of my way of I want to reach more people. So I have a free newsletter where it only comes out twice a month, first in the 15th and I talk about. Usually it has a personal story attached to some tools and lessons you can utilize to enhance your life. And I have this thing called a mission board, which is better than a vision board because one I created it, and number two because it's more intense.

Speaker 3: 59:13

It's true New Yorker, through and through, damn right.

Speaker 1: 59:16

Damn right. So get my free resources. Stay tuned, I have more free resources, especially if you're an entrepreneur. I'm putting out a whole booklet on how to build an avatar and you're not going to want to miss these free resources that are going to keep coming out.

Speaker 3: 59:28

All right For all of our listeners out there. I want you to do me a favor After you listen to this podcast episode. I hope that what you found inspiring and enlightening why don't you go on IG, find me at Michelle Rios official, and Vinn Infante, and tag us in what was the biggest nugget from this episode that you got a bit, and we will follow up with you and we will find either book a discovery call with you or just send some free resources your way directly. But we'd love to hear back from you. What did you get out of this episode? What really touched you? We'll be doing some.

Speaker 3: 1:00:05

Come and find us on social, because the week that this airs as you're listening, we're going to be very active and social, and so you'll see Vinn and I going live on IG. So we hope you look for us and we'll have some video assets out there promoting it as well. So thank you all for listening. Vinn, thank you so much for coming on. It's been an absolute pleasure to get to know you and I'm so excited to see what comes next for you and to find ways to collaborate.

Speaker 1: 1:00:30

Yeah, me too. I'm looking forward to it, and thank you for having me and giving me the opportunity to speak to some more people, including yourself.

Speaker 3: 1:00:37

Absolutely All right. Everyone, Until then, have an extraordinary life.

Speaker 2: 1:00:45

Thank you for listening to today's episode. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, please take a moment to rate and review. If you have recommendations for future topics, please reach out to me at michellereosofficialcom. Lastly, please consider supporting this podcast by sharing it. Together, we can reach, inspire and positively impact more people. Thank you.