SEND Parenting Podcast

Raising Resilient Kids with Dr. Maryhan

• Dr. Olivia Kessel • Episode 104

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Dr Maryhan, a clinical psychologist and esteemed fellow podcaster, joins us to celebrate the 100th episode of the SEND Parenting Podcast. Have you ever wondered how to raise neurodiverse children within the UK education system without losing your mind? This milestone episode offers a treasure trove of insights as Dr. Maryhan shares wisdom from her upcoming book, "How Not to Screw Up Your Kids." We tackle the intricate dance of parenting in a world where children are moulded by influences beyond our control, aiming to bolster resilience through the power of community support.

Traditional discipline methods often fail to equip children for real-world challenges. We promise a fresh perspective on parenting, focusing on replacing punitive measures with natural consequences. Learn how this approach fosters independent decision-making while nurturing a cooperative family environment. Dr Maryhan and I delve into practical examples, like making a bed, to illustrate how meaningful, value-aligned consequences can help cultivate responsibility in our children, turning their natural curiosity into a powerful tool for growth.

Parenting is undoubtedly a tough journey, but it's easier with self-care and a strong community. We explore personal strategies for managing stress, from the cathartic power of journaling to the refreshing benefits of outdoor activities. The "bucket" metaphor emerges as a shared language to gauge emotional capacity, emphasising the beauty in messy, imperfect parenting. This episode is a heartfelt nod to our collective journey with our supportive tribe, reminding us that every small victory is a stepping stone toward raising resilient, confident individuals. Tune in to discover how these insights can transform your parenting journey.

Click here to contact Dr Maryhan

www.sendparenting.com

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Happy almost new year. I can't believe that tomorrow we will be in 2025.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

To kick off the end of the year, I'm going to share the recording from the 100th episode week-long event where we were joined by Dr Marianne. She's a clinical psychologist and one of my favorite parenting podcasters how Not to Screw Up your Kids. Her direct, no-nonsense, real advice really resonates with me and I think it will with you. Join us as we explore some of her key tips, from why punishments don't work to the importance of emptying our emotional buckets. So welcome, dr Marion. It is such a pleasure to have you back with us to celebrate in this live event the 100th episode of the Send Parenting podcast.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

I can't believe I've made it to 100. You are one of my favorite podcasters. You do the podcast how Not to Screw Up your Kids and I have to say I don't like most parenting podcasts because they don't resonate with me. But your podcast really resonates me and I think it's because you have a wonderfully neurodiverse daughter who I had the pleasure of meeting at the conference that I joined you on, which is the last time we met and got to meet in person, which was fantastic. But you know, your advice makes so much sense to me as a parent. It's parenting advice as a clinical psychologist and as a mother that really resonates with me and, I think, also resonates with my listeners. So it's such a pleasure to have you back to celebrate this monumentous occasion for me.

Dr Maryhan:

Oh, thank you so much. I mean I think your podcast resonates with so many parents, with me as a parent, as a mummy of a neurodiverse, incredible daughter, but also the work that you've done. So, thank you. I'm very proud to be here. It's a mutual love fest.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Now I really wanted to get a sense and to share with my listeners what you've been up to, what you've been doing. I know that you have a book that's coming out soon, which is you know very much like. The podcast is entitled how Not to Screw Up your Kids. Can you give us like a little sneak preview of what's going to be in that book and how it can benefit?

Dr Maryhan:

parents. Well, I think I wanted to write a book, as is the podcast, full of practical tips. Parenting is tough and it's not about actually saying this is what you need to do, but it's those practical day to day things that we can do. So the book is very much geared at let's look through the lens of what it's like to be a young person and give them you know what are the tools that they need to then become these resilient adults, and then what are the tools that we need as a parent. So it's in two halves there's a parent handbook for us and then there's a child handbook for our children, and then it's about merging those two.

Dr Maryhan:

Originally, it was also going to have a community handbook because, as we met at my it Takes a Village conference and I'm really passionate about bringing us back and the conversations which you have all of the time around it Takes a village to raise a resilient adult. It's not just what I do as a parent, it's not just my child, it's school, it's society, it's company organizations, all of us coming together um to raise resilient, resilient adults, and so I just felt that the community piece was too much for the book, and so that will be book number two, your next book. Yes, I was going to say it's always was too much for the book, and so that will be book number two, your next book.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Yes, I was going to say it's always good to have another book in the pipeline, and I agree because you know we don't act in isolation and our children don't grow up as influential as we think we are as their parents. It's actually a whole bunch of other factors that form who they are, how they socially interact, what their experiences are like at school. That has massive influence on their later adulthood. You know that we don't, as parents, even sometimes have insight into yeah, yeah, it's all of these sort of factors.

Dr Maryhan:

I mean our children. I always say when our children are younger, we're like almost like gods to them, aren't they? Every single thing that we say they take as is. It's like my mummy said, my daddy said you know, it's that real gospel. My mummy's always right, exactly. And then they reach a certain point, and it's not, I don't believe in sort of specific at this age. It's stage, but they reach a particular stage where suddenly, it doesn't matter what you say, you don't know what it's like to be me or to be a child. You've never had spots, you've never worried about whether people like you or not, you've never worried about girls or boys. And it's that point that everybody else is so much more important their friend who gives them exactly the same advice as you give them. They listen to, but they don't listen to you. Of course you're going to say that you're my parents, so it's. That's why it's so important that we recognize these different factors and these different influences when it comes to equipping them for life.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Yeah, absolutely I couldn't. I couldn't agree more, and you know. So it sounds like a fascinating book because of the two, the two sides to it. Because there it is. It's what, what, what your child's perspective is and what your perspective is, and how you kind of bring those two together as you move forward, and sometimes you forget the child's perspective as a parent because you get stuck in that kind of godlike arena that you were talking about.

Dr Maryhan:

Yeah, definitely, and it's not intentional, I just think sometimes it's that I always talk about this idea we get so caught in the forest that we don't take the step back to really look at the terrain and the landscape, and so and it's just doing, remembering to do that periodically, because I think when we do that and we make sure that we take care of ourselves, we are then much better able to make the right response to the child that's being presented to us and the situation that's presented to us, rather than all of this other stuff that's going on in our lives. And you know our own history, our own childhood, you know the way that we were parenting, parented, then all coming in at the same time.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

yeah, um, and you know I've been looking at some of your, your episodes that you've recently had on on your podcast and I thought maybe it would be great if we could share some of your pearls of wisdom for that, on this little catch up with us, because I thought I, you know some of the ones that you've just done are so they resonated with me and I think they'll resonate with the listeners, and one of them was I think this might be your most recent one is why punishments don't work. And then your next one that you talked about was are we too soft? So you know the kind of like both sides of the coin here, and I would love to get your advice and wisdom, because you know punishments are things that we've been raised with, doesn't work in my household, doesn't work in a lot of other parents' households, and I'd love to you know, just get you to share with us what your, what your views are on that.

Dr Maryhan:

Yeah, it's funny, isn't it, how certain words kind of create a bit of a visceral reaction To me. I'm always thinking with the end in mind. We want to raise resilient adults who are able to be independent. Is not, we're not. It's not a given that we're always going to be happy, and so I'm always thinking the choices that we make in terms of how we help, teach and instruct our children so that they become these resilient adults.

Dr Maryhan:

Discipline doesn't do that, because discipline is all about punishing. You've done something and I'm going to now kind of punish you in a way that feels uncomfortable, that pains you in some way, and actually what we really should be thinking instead is what can we do as parents that teaches our child that for every behaviour, good and bad there is a consequence. You know, when we smile at people, the consequence is they often smile back and they feel great when we help unpack groceries or when we help pack the dishwasher that suddenly our parents have got a bit more time and we can sit together and do fun things. But that also has a flip side when it comes to making those poor choices. You know it goes back to what we say when children are younger it's not, you didn't. You're not a bad person, but you made a bad choice. You did a bad thing. So consequences is a much better way, because what happens is our child learns.

Dr Maryhan:

When I did that, this was the outcome and the consequence needs to be as close to the misdemeanor as possible, whereas what we typically do as parents is we leverage the thing that our child is going to feel the most pain for.

Dr Maryhan:

So, whether that's going to bed earlier or not, having specific treats or, in most cases, removing tech and devices, and often, if your child hasn't done their homework, or if your child has given you back chat, or your child hasn't made their bed, and then you then punish them by saying, right, you've lost your tech time, there's nothing instructive in that. There's no, it's no direct consequence. They can't see that actually, if I change no connection, no, and so they don't learn that actually, if I make my bed, that this is then a natural consequence. So I think that for me, is the big, is the big shift, and what then usually happens is we find that we then have to escalate, particularly when it comes to taking devices. So if we've taken their tech time, what are you left with for the rest of the week. So I think that's why, for me, I just don't think discipline.

Dr Maryhan:

I feel like it's a punishment for myself completely, because then you don't have that built in you time. So I think it's, and I think when we were parented, discipline probably worked because it was just fear. It wasn't. You didn't do the right thing because you understood what the right thing was. You did the right thing because you were scared of the punishment that would then happen. And that's not. That doesn't lead to sort of later success and, as we know, children who are basically restricted from doing all sorts of things at some point will then actually end up doing more. So it's just not instructive when we're working with that end in mind.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

So, if we use the example of the child who won't make their bed, what would you say would be a constructive way for a parent to implement, a consequence that would work to get them to make their bed more?

Dr Maryhan:

make a contribution, and part of that contribution is the basic contribution is that you make good any area that you use, whether that's your bedroom, whether that's a sitting room. You know if you've chucked cushions on the floor or put blankets everywhere. So this is about sort of basic instructive. So if you can't demonstrate that you are prepared to do your bit in terms of the upkeep, then a natural consequence is well, if you can't make do your bit in terms of the upkeep, then you. A natural consequence is what?

Dr Maryhan:

If you can't make good your own bedroom, then other aspects of the house are not available to you in the way that you would like to use them because you're not demonstrating that making good. So it can then be well, unfortunately, because you're not demonstrating that, then access to the sitting room, where the television is and where your games console is, or whatever it is, isn't available to you. You need to make good what you have already. So that can be much more about it's talking about natural consequences, but it's about having the conversation around why it's important, why that's a core value in your home, and how that's an instructive piece for later on, rather than it being this sort of long lecture which our children, then often then rile against yeah, and they I mean they turn off.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

and also, you know, if you're just, you know my daughter, if I tell her to do something, that is also just a red flag right there. So, as you say, like I said, we're a team here, we live here, we live together. We're a team together and as you grow older, you become more of my teammate. Before, mommy had to do everything for you, but now you're becoming old enough that we share stuff and you know, maybe, you know like, and we start to share things in the house. So it's about you becoming part of our community in the house and it's not you know which. Then she replies well, mommy, I just want to stay young, but I'm like. Well, but there are positives also to you growing up that you get to do more stuff in the house too. You get to maybe make cupcakes by yourself. You couldn't do that before. So they're, you know, kind of highlighting what the future can look like. It's more responsibility, but there also can be more fun as well.

Dr Maryhan:

Well, with age comes privilege, and with privilege does come some responsibility. But that's the great thing. What I would say, particularly with with things when it comes to making good and making beds and and reorganizing um sitting rooms or whatever, uh, you might call them, is we have to remember that making good is not the way that we would make good. So making a bed, if you are someone who likes pillows placed in a certain way and like pristine, that's not the case. Making good is how your child makes good and that is sufficient, because otherwise you get into the whole battle and it's simply a case, if they've got a duvet, simply pulling the duvet back up and that's it. It doesn't have to be any more sophisticated than that.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Yeah.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

I think that's it Managing expectations is a really good one. And then another episode that you talk about is which is also kind of looking at it a little slightly differently which I really liked was are we too soft on our kids? And this is something I hear both from my partner and sometimes from my father you give too much choice, olivia, because you know you have a pressure sensitive child. You give too much choice she's you know she's manipulating you. You're not pushing her out of her comfort zone enough there's, you know. You know where do you find that line? And it might not necessarily be what external people think, because I don't think they really understand where you're walking, but I thought it was a good episode because are we too soft when we're trying to protect our children's emotional well-being?

Dr Maryhan:

Yeah, I think it's very individual and I think we have to kind of do that slight self-reflection and that slight self-audit. But I think sometimes it's when we are we don't it. But I think sometimes it's when we are we don't, in our sort of desire to make sure that our child isn't vulnerable, to ensure that our child doesn't sort of suffer unnecessarily, is that we hold a very low benchmark for them and we don't actually communicate regularly. And this isn't through words, this is through the opportunities that we afford them. We don't communicate regularly. That I trust you. I think you're capable, I think you can do more than you believe that you can in the way that the opportunities that we afford them and the responsibility and the independence that we give them so that they can then grow, you know there's almost quite often we're too soft because we place this unnecessary cap and are too quick to kind of step in, too quick to nurture in a limiting way, I think the other aspects. That's one part of it in terms of our expectations. I think the other part of it where I would say that sometimes we're too soft is that we try too much to be their ally and their friend rather than the parent, which is the much more difficult choices. So I say this idea is your children are going to hate you at many times during their upbringing and that's part of the deal. That's part of what it is to be a parent 're never going to say oh, you're gosh, you're amazing. They do when they're, when they're little, when we're gods still, but when we're. But as they get older, they aren't going to hate us, but making those tough decisions. And I certainly remember very often with with, as my children were going up saying you know, it would be really easy for me to be fun mum and say yes of, of course you can do these things, but I would be doing you a disservice. Parenting is about making those difficult decisions. That in that moment my child would be much happier if I said yes, but actually I'm playing the long game and I know that actually it's not about being their ally in this moment. It's about making the right decision for them long term. So it's like both bits. It's the. It's the bit that we do in terms of being a bit too soft so that we clip their wings, but it's also the bit that we do where we don't. We don't want we don't. We don't want our children no, who wants their children? To think that they're horrible and mean and and unlovable? But in those moments, that's where the growth really happens.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Yeah, and it's giving them, as you say, those opportunities and standing back and letting them take those opportunities and surprise themselves sometimes that, wow, I can actually do that, I am capable of that, and you know, yeah, it's not easy being a parent, though I have to say it really isn't.

Dr Maryhan:

So we often talk about this idea that there's no manual when it comes to parenting. But I think, and of course, there isn't one. But I think that's why, for me, I often emphasize this idea about being reflective in our parenting, because what works today, at this particular age and stage, I can guarantee you is not going to work maybe tomorrow or maybe next week or maybe in the next three months. So it's that constant and for different children. You know, what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for the other. So it is that constant sentence checking all the time.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

And the minute you just think you've got it right, that is literally the time where I'm just looking behind my shoulder to see that it's not going to work anymore Totally.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

But and that's where I love your analogy of the bucket and your bucket series, because you know I can't remember which episode it was, but and I think we even talked about it the first time you came on the same parenting podcast, which was just you know concept of you have this bucket filling up.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

And then it's just one more thing that causes and my daughter and I use this a lot because it's a really easy way to explain how both of us are feeling. You know, like, if she has a complete breakdown, you know we can talk about when she's, you know, past that, I'm like look, you didn't have good sleep, you hadn't eaten anything, maybe I hadn't either and we can both say, well, oh, that makes sense now. So the bucket kind of analogy really works, because to be a reflective parent and to be all the things we're talking about, if you can't have your bucket, be at a good place and also monitor your child's bucket, you you run into a lot of parenting problems hugely and I, I think you know for me I use the bucket emptying the bucket analogy all of the time, because it's helpful for us as parents and it's helpful for children because it's we.

Dr Maryhan:

So often it's that last, you know, our child goes into explosion or meltdown or shouting, whatever it might be that unregulated, dysregulated emotion and we so often get so caught up in the. But you know, I only asked them to go and make their bed, or I only asked them to get their bag, but that isn't the thing that tipped them, it's all of the other things in their bucket where that became the last drop. So it's helping them understand what are the things that typically fill their bucket. But actually, what's even more crucial are what are the things that they can do and we can do with our own bucket. That actually empties our bucket and genuinely empties.

Dr Maryhan:

So this notion that our bucket is being emptied because we're binge watching a Netflix series is okay. No problem binge watching a Netflix series, but if you've got stuff on your mind that you haven't processed, the minute you've finished that last episode, all of the stuff comes back. So it's being able to recognize what are the things that each of us need and it will be unique to all of us. So for me, a huge bucket emptying thing is I journal and I have to be outside at some point during the day. If I don don't journal, maybe on day one it probably won't be an issue, but by day two I am not a pleasant person to be around. If I haven't had that 20 minutes, 30 minutes of my own decompression time ask my children I can be a real ogre. So once we recognize that, we know I'm not angelic at all when it comes to parenting. I I know, which is why so many of the podcast episodes are very much based on real life experience that's.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

That's why I like your podcast so much, dr Marianne, because you know it. You know you're not, you're not preaching from a crystal. You a tower, an ivory built tower. You're speaking the real truth of how it is. You're very real, which is, I think, why you resonate with me and with lots of people, because it's sometimes so difficult for parents to find that time. For me, it's exercising is really key. My daughter will even tell me because I injured my knee and she's like Mommy, it's exercising is really key. My daughter will even tell me because I injured my knee and she's like mommy, I think you need to exercise Somehow. You need to exercise because she knows that I am. You know my bucket, you know, and it's interesting because you learn, just like she knows with me. Now I know with her. You know it's a two-way street. Like you said with your book, it's two sides to it. So we're both learning as we evolve in terms of okay, I can see mommy didn't sleep well, or this happened, or that happened. Mommy's bucket is, you know.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

We just over half term traveled to Ireland and we got it. The seas were rough, the boat was delayed. I then put the wrong postal code in, so we went to some crazy place in Ireland at 10 o'clock at night by the time we finally got here, I said please, will you just go to sleep for mommy tonight, please? And she, she went to sleep. And the next morning I said you know what, alexander, it was so brilliant that you just went to sleep and I didn't have to sit outside your door. And she goes mommy, I could see you didn't have anything left. She goes I could see you were going to cry. So I thought to myself. I was like wow, so they learn with us and they learn as we go through this.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

And I think that's one of the key things is that communication. When your child is old enough for both of you to realize what your buckets are and to recognize your buckets in each other and then to recognize how you empty it. And I would say my daughter is still on the path to finding what her emptying mechanisms are, because it's tricky to find. You know, like you say, being on Netflix isn't necessarily a solution. Is being Minecraft on the solution? I would say sometimes for her that is a solution, but sometimes she needs something more being outside or, you know, helping your child to identify how they empty their bucket, and I by no means have figured this out completely with my daughter, yet we're still trying. Things is really important.

Dr Maryhan:

Yeah, and it is a trial and error and children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So children are experiential in their learning. So if they are, if you're having these conversations, if they can see you trying different things, if you can have a shared language which is why the bucket works so well because it works well as a parent, it works well as a child. You've got this. They can see that you're trying different things and they can see that sometimes things work and sometimes they don't. And I think that that's what's so crucial.

Dr Maryhan:

And kind of going back to your point about sort of real parent parenting advice, I think there's so much advice out there that makes us feel crap as parents. Yeah, it makes us feel super judgy. I'm not a perfect, insta-perfect parent and I think it's tough. So when we can have honest conversation, it goes back to this it takes a village. We all need our tribe to be around us when it comes to parenting and if our tribe is basically telling us it's all this, you know roses and insta pictures, then that's not your tribe, because that's not real. Parenting is messy. There are times when we really do not like being a parent. We do not really like our children, we may not even like our partner, and that's the community that we need. That's the tribe we need around us.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

It's so real and it's so true. Do you know what I mean? But you know what's interesting, I think getting through those tough times and when you get through them, that's where, actually, then you get to this new kind of level of wow you know, like the moment I had here.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

There's never been a time in my life where my daughter has gone to bed without me having to sit there, even, you know, crying tired, and she's never, ever had empathy and thought well, actually, mommy's at the end of her rope after driving 16 hours, you know, and whatever it was, and it was just like wow and that that made up for all the times in the back. And, you know, the next night she's like mommy, sit outside my bedroom door. Okay, it was a flicker, you know, but it was a flicker nonetheless. And you know, it's yeah, I it's. It's it's taking the small wins and and and and being appreciative of them. And, yeah, exactly to your point.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Um, you make me laugh, actually, cause you know what. Um, it's so refreshing because there's so many people who know, you know, including, like you know, people in your life who maybe aren't are part of your tribe. You have no choice to kick them out of your tribe. They might be your father or your partner and they're on the journey with you and sometimes, you know, you know you have to navigate their views. So it is important to find those people who get you and who understand you and understand, like yourself. You know I find that with you, like I hear your advice and hear how you talk and I'm like, ah, that resonates with me and it validates how I am and how I'm feeling as a parent.

Dr Maryhan:

Yeah, because I think there's enough judgment out there and it's that you don't need that and you're also modeling goes back to this. If you're modeling boundaries around who you have in your life and some, as you say, we have no choice. They are part of our village. But when we make discerning choices, our children will make discerning choices too. Yeah, I completely agree.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Now I can't believe that 2024 is almost over and 2025 is coming upon us, and I would love to, before we wrap up this celebration little mini podcast, to hear from you what does 2025 look like for you?

Dr Maryhan:

to hear from you. What does 2025 look like for you? Oh, exciting things. Well, more emphasis on the podcast that's been like big, big sort of goal for me is a real crystal clear focus on that and the book which I'm super excited about, that'll be 2020 to 2025. And just, I think, spreading more in person. I think it's been great, um, you know, the the pandemic has really in lots of ways, helped to see all the incredible things that we can do virtually, um, but I'm craving that in person and you, you, um, were amazing at my it takes a village conference and I want to have more of that really being with people, having conversations, helping people create these villages, these tribes, and doing that more in person. So, podcast, book and lots more in-person things is what 2025, for me, is all about.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Yeah, I have to say it was such a pleasure and a privilege to be part of that conference and it was just, you know, to have 30 women who are, who are, all you know, going through the same thing and can resonate with you and, you know, getting into talking to them in person. It almost it's so it feels new because it's been so long since we've been doing doing in-person things. So, yay, I'm glad that you're you're going to be doing that, because I think it's incredibly powerful for people to actually meet other people and not have it just be online. So that's fantastic.

Dr Maryhan:

There's just something about being in the room. You know, when I if I go and do a workshop at a school and I'll ask questions and I'll get children, and one of the questions I ask every single time I'm at school is ask them to put their hands up. How many of you struggle to fall asleep at night? And there is something incredibly powerful about seeing other people in your year group, often the really you know people who you think have got their stuff together also putting their hand up. And then one will say, oh, I'm slightly embarrassed to say I have to have the light on. This can be like year 10. So we're talking 14, 15 year old sometimes, you know, I have to have the light on because I'm really scared. And someone else will say, oh my gosh, so do I.

Dr Maryhan:

And suddenly it's gone from them being in their own head, thinking that they're the only one that is struggling with something to visibly seeing. And it's the same with parents when a parent asks a question at a talk or at a conference around struggles with back chat or struggles with back chat or struggles with their child falling asleep, or neurodiversity or sensitivity, anything, and other parents are nodding and saying, oh my good, that's also my experience. That is so palpable and so powerful and you just can't get that in a, in a online in the same way. And suddenly, as a parent, that judgment piece goes because you're surrounded by others who are in the same boat as you it's, it's incredibly validating, you know, and uh, it's, it's, um, it takes away some of the stigma with it.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

I know my daughter came home the other day. She goes mommy, did you know that? My friend at school? She was so excited because she didn't actually sleep with her in her mom's bed last night. I didn't know other people slept in their mom's bed sometimes. I was like you know, it's okay and she's like you know. It just shakes off that feeling of feeling alone, I guess, and feeling ashamed.

Dr Maryhan:

Definitely. And shame is not a way to parent and shame is not a way for a young person to grow up. So big difference, yeah, big, absolutely now.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

I want to thank you so much for coming again to join us, dr marion and I and I know it won't be the last time, because I'm going to be excited to keep track of what you're doing in 2025 can you leave our listeners, our parents, out there with any top tips that they can take away with them? Can it can be any number you want, because I didn't warn you about this, but any top tips that you can give parents.

Dr Maryhan:

Okay, you know me, I'm always going to kind of I'll be honest, but also kind of the whole picture. So I think the first thing I would say is about accepting your child for who they are. Neurodiversity is not a superpower, it's not an affliction, it is a natural variation in brain structure. So that, for me, is a huge, huge piece. It's that just accepting, truly accepting who they are. I think that would be the first one.

Dr Maryhan:

I think the second one because I talk a lot about this idea of pouring from an empty cup I think it's also being compassionate to yourself as the parent. You can only show up as a parent in the way that you've taken care of yourself. I mean, self-care is such a crucial thing, but I don't want you to be confused self-care with pampering and spa days. Self-care is just about compassionate. Being compassionate to yourself, monitoring your bucket, making sure that you give yourself time to empty your bucket, because it benefits everyone. It's the greatest gift you can give your whole family is about being compassionate, um to yourself, um for them.

Dr Maryhan:

And then I think the third thing that I would say is about sort of helping teach your child to self-advocate. And that is not about this, is about. Self-advocacy to me is about self-acceptance. This is who I am, and I'm really proud of who I am, and I'm a I'm as deserving as everyone else. I have these particular sensitivities, I have these particular things that may trigger me and I am going to communicate that in a proud way rather than a diminished ashamed, less than way. I think those, for me, would be the big three. What you do within those. There's lots of tools and strategies you can do within those, but if you don't do, I think those are the three crucial pieces, and then you add your toolbox on top of that.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

I love it. Words to live by, words to live by honestly. Thank you so much, dr Marianne. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's been a pleasure to have you join me and you know, on this live video event together and you know I really, really appreciate it and you know, wishing you the best end of this year and start to next year.

Dr Maryhan:

Oh, and thank you, Olivia, for having me. Thank you.

Dr Olivia Kessel:

Thank you for listening. Send Parenting Tribe. If you haven't already, please click on the link in the show notes to join us in the private Send Parenting WhatsApp community. It's been wonderful to be able to communicate with everyone in the community and for us to join together to help each other to navigate challenges and to also celebrate successes. Wishing you and your family a really good week ahead, thank you, you, you.