SEND Parenting Podcast
Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, Dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I am a mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, Alexandra, who really inspired this podcast.
As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity, I have uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks.
Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade.
SEND Parenting Podcast
EP 135: ADHD affecting emotions - a girl's story
Download your free Guide by clicking here: The Zones of Regulation: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Big Emotions
Ever felt like your child's emotions are too big for their body? In this tender final episode of our Alexandra ADHD En Masse series, my 13-year-old daughter Alexandra opens her heart about one of the most challenging aspects of living with ADHD – emotional regulation and friendship struggles.
With remarkable self-awareness, Alexandra shares how overwhelming emotions can suddenly explode, leaving her feeling misunderstood and sometimes excluded from friendship groups. "They might judge you... and then you're excluded because they think you lose it too often or cry too much," she explains, capturing what so many neurodivergent children experience but struggle to articulate.
The breakthrough came through learning the Zones of Regulation – a colour-coded emotional framework that Alexandra describes in detail. This simple but powerful tool transformed her ability to communicate feelings before reaching crisis point. Where once she would hide behind trees at school, unable to express her distress, she can now identify which "zone" she's in and get appropriate support.
We explore practical de-escalation strategies that work at home, from creating calming spaces to keeping a family list of regulation techniques. Alexandra also shares her experience with medication adjustments, school friendship groups, and the anxiety-excitement mix of transitioning to a new school environment. Her insights reveal how interconnected emotional regulation, social acceptance, and academic success truly are for children with ADHD.
Whether you're a parent seeking understanding, an educator looking for classroom strategies, or someone navigating neurodiversity yourself, Alexandra's voice offers both validation and hope. Download our free Zones of Regulation guide through the link in our show notes and join our community where neurodiversity is embraced, not merely accommodated.
Click here to join our private free SEND Parenting WhatsApp community
www.sendparenting.com
Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Hi, I'm Dr Olivia, welcome back to Alexandra. Adhd En masse.
Speaker 1:This is the final episode in our four-part series and today we're talking about one of the most of the tender and real parts of ADHD big emotions and friendships. Over the past three episodes we've explored diagnosis, medication and sleep, but this conversation takes us right to the heart of what so many children with ADHD experience Meltdowns that seem to come from nowhere, the fear of being too much and the ache of feeling left out. Alexandra shares not only her struggles but also the tools that are helping her, including the zones of regulation. We've created a free guide so you can explore it with your child in your own time. You can find it by clicking in the show notes or you can go to my website, sendparentingcom. Forward slash zones.
Speaker 1:So let us listen to Alexandra one more time, as she shows us how courage can grow from vulnerability. So, alexandra, thank you for coming back for our final episode, or part of the ADHD Alexandra series. So today we're going to talk about big emotions and how those emotions can manifest, and I know you experience emotions quite strongly. You have really happy emotions and then you can also have really sad emotions and really angry emotions. So can you tell me a little bit about it?
Speaker 2:I have like really bad. Well, I used to have really bad emotions which would make me be really angry about stuff, make me feel really angry about stuff, make me feel really sad about stuff, make me feel maybe sometimes happy about stuff, and my teachers sometimes would find me hiding behind a tree because I didn't know how to say to the teachers, oh, this is happening to me, I don't know how to deal with it. But then she would coach me through it and she would teach me like different ways of how to help with those emotions, like to recognize what the emotions were, like the, the zones of regulation which can you share the zones of regulation?
Speaker 2:was um. So there's basically four zones the red zone, the yellow zone, the green zone and the blue zone. The blue zone is basically where you're sad, sick, tired, bored, not interested in a lot of things. The green zone is the zone where you usually want to be in, like the okay, ready to learn, happy, good. I don't think there's any the negative sides to the green zone. And then the yellow zone is happy, excited, worried, anxious. And the red zone you never want to be in the red zone because the red zone you're angry, you're out of control, you don't know how to handle things and you're just like that. So, instead of actually saying this is what's happening, what I would say is I'm in the yellow zone, or I'm in the red zone, or I'm in the blue zone or the green zone, and it would just help me recognize those emotions and also then the teachers would know oh, this is what's happening.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'll speak to Alexandra so it's very clever, so it's an easy way to to communicate how you're feeling. So that's, that's really good. I like that a lot, um, because sometimes with big emotions, we would go straight into the red zone really quickly. Yeah, and when you're in the red zone, how does that feel?
Speaker 2:you can't even think, you can't even do anything, you're just mad. It might be about it probably started as a little thing and then got progressively bigger and bigger, bigger and bigger, and then it goes like poof and you have a big meltdown or outburst or whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we haven't really found an end. We really love flash anger. Emotional dysregulation is too wordy, meltdown is a little bit childish. I kind of like flash anger, but that's not working for you. And have you ever been embarrassed when you do lose it afterwards?
Speaker 2:after you've calmed down and reflect back on it. Well, there's a lot to think about with that, because you could also think, as well as the people around you, there might be people around you that you probably don't want to lose in front of. Or there's peers or friends that you really don't want to lose it on.
Speaker 1:They might judge you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then you might be out of your friend group.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that happens, doesn't it? And then you're excluded from the friendship group because they think, oh, you lose it too often or you cry too much, yeah, and that kind of happened to you a little bit in school in year seven, didn't it? Yeah? And then we, you know, we, you know. Then it's hard to re, hard to re-engage with those friendships.
Speaker 2:But yeah, and there was a new kid that joined and I was like, oh, a new kid, a new opportunity. But um, then one of the so-called popular people came in and um became to be best friends with her and then I was all alone um became to be best friends with her and then I was all alone.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, so it it's tricky and I know we talked about medication in part two, but I talked to the clinical psychiatrist actually that we were having because also you're you know, you were 13, you're getting hormonal and that that has an effect on your emotions as well as the adhd. So I talked to the clinical psychiatrist about it and he actually suggested increasing your dose of uh medication and that that did actually. I saw, and I talked to your your teachers at school too, it enabled you to kind of pause before in that yellow zone, before going into the red zone.
Speaker 2:I still don't think that happens to me, because when I really think about something and I really really think about my rights, if we have a disagreement or something, I will say what I would think it's all normal part of growing up. I would think yes, it's all normal part of growing up.
Speaker 1:I have to tell you it's striving for your autonomy and it's how you. You know it's being a teenager and so it's pushing the boundaries with mommy. But at school and stuff like that it's learning to navigate. Those things with friends can be quite tricky and I know your school is really good and that your teachers have helped you and your friends to kind of navigate. They had, they had a friendship group, didn't they, with the girls and the boys yeah, they had a friendship group with the girls talking about stuff like bullying and and would talk about friendships and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:And even if I had a warrior that was a pupil in the girls, I could just say to Miss Mahoon, could we have a friendship group? And then she would make that happen for us. But to this day we don't have.
Speaker 1:It's not all the time, because we don't usually have it.
Speaker 2:It was more in year seven. Yeah, more in year seven. Yeah, more in year seven.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it's interesting. I spoke to someone on the podcast the other day that you know bullying. We know bullying is like when someone's mean to someone or something like that, but it's also been redefined that bullying can be being excluded from friends or being taken off WhatsApp groups and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Just being ignored can be considered bullying no-transcript send something that they think is funny and then the rest of the group, when that person isn't there, will be like oh, that person was really. What does that person mean?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's confusing, isn't it? Navigating that and understanding it?
Speaker 2:And then be left out of that person.
Speaker 1:Would they get kicked off the WhatsApp group?
Speaker 2:No, but they would. The other people would be talking to them, about them, behind their backs okay, yeah, that's not nice, is it? And that's not nice, no, it happens and we wish we could stop it, but it just yeah, you've got to find your right people.
Speaker 1:But even when you find your right people and I know you have some good friends and you know one of the things you did is actually found out, you know, went and helped other kids who are also lonely. That your teacher pointed out to you. But you have good friends and sometimes even with your good friends, because you're one of your best friends has ADHD too. You both can be volatile and both of your emotions can go crazy, and then you need to get have some help to understand what the other person is saying. Yeah, yeah, and that happens with me and you as well. We need to sometimes understand what the other person is saying, and so we only have a little bit of time left and you're going back to school. So what do you hope for in year nine? What are you nervous about? What are you excited about? Are you going to new new school? A?
Speaker 2:new um I I will say that it's a little bit nerve-wracking to go to a new school because I've been in the school since I was in year three and the people that don't know I'm in going into year nine and I and I know the way of my school like the back of my hand, because, basically, You've been there so long. And it's going to be a new place and new things.
Speaker 1:It's the same school, but a new location.
Speaker 2:It's across the street but it's a new school and we haven't seen it yet. But I am excited as well because there'll be new stuff like lockers to decorate and yeah and you see your friends again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then you know um get to deal with all those emotions and anxieties about that, and then you've got gcses to pick. But that's not out there, not to the end, that's not to the end, yeah, but you'll start thinking about it. But you know, I think you gave some really good advice to other kids that are maybe feeling big emotions. I really like how you described the zones of regulation. Is that probably like the number one tip you would give?
Speaker 2:Yeah To just for people in schools to maybe teach kids about zones of regulation, because it has really helped me.
Speaker 1:And when you're in the red zone, like at home and stuff like that, what are some of the techniques that you use to calm down, like you know, because and that's not me saying calm down, because that's like a red flag so how do you calm yourself down?
Speaker 2:I let myself go out of the room, I drink some water, I distract myself and I pet an animal, yeah, and then I go back into the situation.
Speaker 1:Once you're calmed down.
Speaker 2:Once I've calmed and I've gone back into that green zone and I'm much more good.
Speaker 1:And actually do you remember we actually wrote a list on the fridge where we put both of us put like, what are our distraction things to get ourselves to calm down, like, and I would go walk in the garden or smell the lavender, you might go upstairs and play on your swing, because you're a very lucky girl and have a swing in your bedroom, but yeah, it's getting yourself to calm down and then getting back into that green zone again, and then you can think about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I think those are very good tips and very good advice, and I'm going to miss having you on the podcast. I'm going to have to talk to adults now because you're going back to school. So, thank you, I really appreciate what you've done this summer. It's been really helpful, I think, to all the moms and dads out there who have kids with ADHD, hearing your voice and not just having us be adults talking about it, so thank you.
Speaker 2:You're welcome.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to Send Parenting Drive and for really joining us for this special four-part journey with Alexandra. If you've been moved by her honesty and resilience, I hope you'll carry her words into your own conversations with your children, your friends and yourself. If you'd like to try the Zones of Regulation at home, you can download our free guide at sendparentingcom forward slash zones or you can click on the link in the show notes. It's our gift to help you navigate those big emotions together and remember wherever your child's journey feels calm or chaotic. Right now you're not alone, and neither are they. I look forward to seeing you next time on the Send Parenting Podcast.