SEND Parenting Podcast

EP 146 Why Pregnancy Hits Harder for Neurodivergent Mums

• Dr. Olivia Kessel

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You are not imagining it.


 Pregnancy, birth, and early parenting are more overwhelming for many neurodivergent mums — and no one tells you why.

In this eye-opening episode, doula and neurodiversity advocate Alix Myers joins Dr Olivia to unpack the hidden challenges that make the perinatal journey feel so intense. If you ever wondered why you struggled more than other mums, this episode finally gives you the answers, validation, and tools you deserve.

✨ What You Will Learn

🧠 Sensory Overload in Pregnancy

Why hormonal shifts amplify sensory sensitivities — and how to make your body feel safer and calmer.

🏥 Creating a Neuro-Safe Birth Plan

How lighting, sound, communication style, and advocacy can completely change your birth experience.

🤐 The Hidden Danger of “Masking” in Labour

Why so many neurodivergent women go quiet under stress, and how this leads to medical teams missing signs of distress.

🍼 Feeding Without Overwhelm

Practical guidance for breastfeeding, chest feeding, or bottle feeding — without sacrificing your mental health.

🧩 Executive Function in Postpartum

Why everything feels 100 times harder, and how simple systems can reduce chaos and protect your wellbeing.

🤝 How Partners Can Truly Support You

From non-verbal cues to boundary-bouncing — what your partner really needs to know.

💛 Why This Episode Matters

If pregnancy or early motherhood felt harder than it “should,” this conversation offers compassion, clarity, and solutions. You will walk away feeling understood, supported, and far less alone.

Contact Alix Myers Virtual Doula 

💬 Connect with Us

🌱 Join our SEND Parenting Private WhatsApp Community — a safe space to share, learn, and feel supported by parents who truly understand.

⚡ Ready to go deeper?
Become part of the ADHD Warrior Mum’s Recharge Station — your space for group coaching, expert guidance, real connection, and the calm you deserve.

Dr Olivia:

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, Dr. Olivia Kessel. And more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, Alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in the UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. It's 2 a.m. You're scrolling again, desperately searching for someone who actually understands what it's like to raise a child with ADHD. School doesn't get it. Friends just say be stricter. Even family tells you she'll grow out of it. But you know this is different. And you're so tired of fighting this battle completely alone. I'm Dr. Olivia. And as both a medical doctor and a mom of a neurodiverse child, I've built what I desperately needed. The ADHD Warrior Mom Recharge Station. A place where you're finally understood. You'll get weekly group coaching when you need support and strategies to use, monthly master classes where you ask the experts your questions. Actual self-care strategies that you can implement. And most importantly, a community of mothers who completely get it. Right now, I'm opening for just 50 founding members at 29 pounds a month for life. That's 50% off forever. Once these spots are filled, this price will disappear. Stop fighting this alone. You can go to www.sendparenting.com backslash join, or just click on the link in the show notes. So welcome Alex. It's so lovely to have you on the Send Parenting podcast today. And we're going to talk about a topic that we haven't really looked at or addressed, which is, you know, looking at parents and looking at that period, you know, before pregnancy, during pregnancy, after pregnancy, really early parenting, you know, which is challenging for everybody, but it's almost supercharged or overwhelming and amplified for neurodiverse parents, you know, some of who might even not know that they're neurodiverse at that point. Because I know personally a lot of people in my kind of age and a little bit younger, they don't find out until their children get diagnosed. So exactly.

Alix Myers:

And then we're like, wait, why was that so brutal? Why was that so hard? Like I know it's supposed to be hard, but was it supposed to be that hard? And the answer is no. Yeah.

Dr Olivia:

It shouldn't be and then you might also have a lovely neurodiverse child. So that also like amps it up as well.

Alix Myers:

So all of you were living the same life. Is that what's going on?

Dr Olivia:

Yeah, I mean, it just it speaks to me so clearly. So I'm I'm really excited to hear what could have happened to have made that journey better. Can you tell me a little bit about your journey and like you know what led you to forming tenderly actually and and and your experience in this?

Alix Myers:

Absolutely. So um uh I think my journey is a bit roundabout, actually. Um, I spent many years working in advertising and marketing um and struggled with my career, never like loved it, never found a place where I felt solid and safe, but didn't know why. Um, and then I was like, I know, I'll have three kids. That'll make things easier. So um after my third child was born, I went back to work for like a hot second and was like, no, this isn't gonna work anymore. It was super burnt out, super overstimulated, but didn't have that language, of course. And you'll hear a lot of doulas talking about how they were just always doulaing.

Dr Olivia:

And then explain what doula is, just in case I bet everyone does know, but just in case people don't know what a doula is.

Alix Myers:

So a doula traditionally is a birth coach. So I am not a midwife, I am not a doctor or a no-bi, but I am there to support um, I'm just there to support anyone. It could be the birther or if you're an adoptive family, it could be the family that's receiving the baby, anyone that's going through that perinatal stage. So I'm certified as a doula for the fertility, um, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. And so it's support and coaching across the entire journey of growing your family. Um, and now there's doulas for so many things. There's death doulas that support you through um, you know, loss. There's doulas for just there's menopause doulas, which I think is fascinating. Um, yeah, I know that's a conversation for others. Um fertility uh yeah. The idea of a doula is a support system, someone that has the information. It's evidence-backed information that we share, and we're there to support your family. We are not there to tell you what to do, how to do it. We are just there to help your journey be a little easier.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah, sounds it sounds great, especially with with what we're talking about. We, you know, yeah, you don't know what you don't know.

Alix Myers:

Don't know what you don't know, and you you don't need to know everything about new things you're trying, new journeys you're on. So, anyways, um I worked in advertising. I I I had been dueling everybody I knew that was having a baby, whether I was going to the hospital and helping them in those first couple of hours, or people are calling me about, you know, nursing and other feeding challenges, or I just had a baby and oh, my toddler and I don't know what to do with my toddler. Somehow I just ended up being that like support person for everybody around me. And my husband off the cuff was like, you should just be a doula. And I was like, okay, just like it was clearly, it was already the idea had already been born somewhere inside of me. But um, I had amassed so much information because naturally, I don't know if this is a signal to you, I'm a researcher. Like I just when I'm into something, I go deep. And so I had amassed so much research and information. I love to problem solve, I love to help people. And it just was like this natural fit for me. And then I started doing the courses. I loved it. I started researching, I loved it. So I started out as just a regular old doula. Um, and then I, my eldest at that point was really struggling, really struggling, couldn't always very big feelings. But everyone was like, it's normal, it's three, it's four, it's all normal. And I was thinking, no, it's not. That's just some this is a little, this isn't common. Like, you know, this is really big feelings, and it's so often, and everything feels like too much. Um and as we got into the school system, um, so I live in Canada. And as we got into the school system, we started in a private school. That was a disaster. We pulled him out. We started, we went into a public school, and over the last two years, all fell apart. Complete awful, terrible situation, traumatizing for everybody involved. And we ended up pulling him out, and he's now homeschooled. How old is he now? He's 10 now. Yes. Um, and it all kind of really fell apart in last year, so grade four, um, which would be year four for you guys.

Dr Olivia:

Um it's a common year actually for for for it. My daughter was like in the middle of year three, but I talked to a lot of people, it's year three, year four where the theels completely fall off.

Alix Myers:

It's that developmental age, right? Where they're kind of in the middle of being like little kids and big kids, and the cognitive load in school really amps up. Um, so turns out he is um autistic, PDA profile, um, dyspraxia, all of the things. And receiving that diagnosis was the most validating experience for me. Um and all of the advocating and fighting, and like, I I know I've heard your story, so I know that you understand. Was like, it was like, see, I told you. This wasn't normal. I wasn't losing my mind. I'm not losing my mind. I am a capable human.

Dr Olivia:

We know we've got to trust our guts. I mean, it's a number one tip from everyone I've had on this podcast. And what I wish I could have said to myself too is trust your gut. We know, and it's actually scientifically proven our guts are right, they're better than medical professionals. Our guts are right. Yes, so you had your validation and yes, yeah, I know.

Alix Myers:

So um I kind of wanted to go to the school and be like, see, telling me he smiles at school and it's all fine, you know, like something was going on. So it turns out he was in a massive burnout. And, you know, we've spent the last year in recovery. Um, but again, I am a researcher and I love to problem solve. And so this kind of entry point into the world of neurodivergent brains just like exploded for me. And I started doing an extraordinary amount of research. And in the process of learning about my child, which is something you talked about, I learned so much about myself. And then as a doula, I'm reflecting and I'm like, hold on a second. Like all of these things that felt physically uncomfortable for me during my perinatal period, and I did it three times. Um, that didn't need to feel like that. Wait a second, my sensory system, like that has value, and I needed to be paying attention and advocating. Wait a second, I had three inductions. Did I really need those things? Or was I playing the good patient, which is so true in the world of neurodivergent people and birthers, to be the good patient because there's so much medical trauma that we endure over our lifetime. There's just so much. And it was like this domino effect of like, I need to shift my service and shift my business to focus and call attention to the perinatal experience of neurodivergent birthers and families. And when I say families, I support neurodivergent birthers or neurodivergent partners or families where there's neurodivergent children in the household. So if we think about siblings, right? When you have a baby and you have a neurodivergent sibling, that experience, that bonding process is totally different. And so shifting those expectations and supporting that family through like introduction and getting used to it, all of those stages is really, really important. Um, and so that's how I ended up.

Dr Olivia:

That's how you end up there. And then have you gone on the path of self-discovery for your for your own? Um yeah.

Alix Myers:

So everybody in my house is neurodivergent, every single one of them.

Dr Olivia:

So you you blanket tested everybody.

Alix Myers:

It's just all of us.

Dr Olivia:

I've heard of my in the states that actually nowadays they don't just do like child assessments, they do the whole family, and that's part of like the the insurance package. Is it the same in Canada?

Alix Myers:

It's not. Okay. It's not in England either. I mean, unfortunately, unfortunately, like the assessment process here. Um it's really like the UK. There's no excess, right? Like it's so expensive, and so we're doing it person by person, slowly. Um, but yeah, of course, like I am completely neurodivergent. Everything makes sense in my life now. Um, and my husband, same super neurodivergent, everything explains everything. And then I have two younger daughters, and as well, I've had one, we just had one assessed. The other one is so similar to her brother. I basically don't even need the assessment. I could write the assessment at this point. So, yeah, I mean, yeah.

Dr Olivia:

So you you you understand, you understand firsthand what parents are going through and how to help them. Um, you know, you've talked a little bit about the sensory side of it, but you know, what does this mean in practice and kind of like through that pregnancy onwards? Because it it it you know, it it's overloading, I would imagine. How you know, and then I guess we can after that talk about solutions or or how people cope or what your experience has been, yeah. Personally and with your clients.

Alix Myers:

Absolutely. So let's do stage by stage. Is that okay? Because it's just so there's so much to talk about. Yeah. So when we talk about sensory, we're talking about your senses, right? And when you are pregnant, we know, and I mean you can explain this better than anyone, your hormones are all over the place. And so if you are a person that has sensory sensitivities on a regular day, during pregnancy, your sensitivities are on overdrive. So the things that are uncomfortable for you, whether that's like bright lights or loud sounds, um, I mean, there's so many, touch, different feelings of touch. Um, during pregnancy, it could feel painful, like physically painful. Um and the other piece of the sensory, so we could talk about all the different senses like temperature. You could feel really cold all the time, you could feel really hot all the time, and all of these things that are just your body is just in overload. It's over the your sensory system is all over the place because of the hormones. Um, and you are already sensitive. The other piece of this is that there's your whole body is not your own anymore, right? Your body is doing things that you are not in control of. And that brings on an entirely different sensory overwhelm. Um, a really good example of this is your baby moving. So inside of your body, you have your baby moving, and everybody, you know, neurotypical people, they're like, oh, it's the best feeling, and I love it, and I feel so connected to my baby. If you are a neurodivergent person, the idea that there is something inside of you moving that is out of your control can bring on a sensory meltdown like no other. And it happens all day long. It does not feel good, it does not feel like something that you're enjoying or that feels connected to your baby. It feels like there's some foreign object inside your body that is moving and creating this like touch-feel situation that feels awful.

Dr Olivia:

Like Sigourney Weaver, an alien. Did you ever watch that movie where she the alien pops out of the stomach?

Alix Myers:

Exactly. Exactly. And as a neurodivergent person who is often gaslit or told that whatever you're feeling is not real. And right, can you imagine feeling your baby move? Doesn't mean you don't want the pregnancy, doesn't mean any of those things, but you're feeling this baby move. Everybody around you, society media, is saying this is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world, and it feels awful. And so, as neuro-affirming birth workers, it's our job to A give space for people to talk about that sensory overload, whether it's the pain of touch and feel, things that you didn't feel before, the painfulness of like light that you may just be overly sensitive to during your pregnancy, but also these like natural things that happen in your pregnancy that feel awful to you.

Dr Olivia:

Validating that. And and yeah, like you say, give space to say that it's okay to feel that way. Yeah.

Alix Myers:

Yeah.

Dr Olivia:

So that you're not masking it the whole time and and and burying it within you.

Alix Myers:

Yeah. Right. When we talk about masking, that's so big for all neurodivergent people. But um your capacity to mask when you're pregnant and your body is doing so much work is less. And so we see a lot of neurodivergent people having basically like perimenopause. Oh my goodness. Um, perinatal mental health crises because they're taking on so much masking.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah.

Alix Myers:

And that's it's challenging. And if you think about like your experience in pregnancy and also in birth, like we can move on to birth. Um, you're going often you're going into a medical setting. Now, you might be doing a home birth and totally different. You have way more control over your birth environment and the sensory feeling of your birth environment in a home birth situation. But if you're in a hospital or a birthing center, um, there's bright lights, there's a lot of noise, there's chaos, there's lots of people coming in and out. And so a lot of the work that I do when I talk about birth planning is we talk about how to create a sensory safe place for your birth. What kind of lighting do you want? What noises feel good or don't? Do you have a safe object, a stuffed animal that's like weight, a lot of people like weighted or weighted blankets? Um, do you have noise-canceling headphones? We bring those along. We talk about how you want to communicate your sensory sensitivities to the healthcare providers, the midwife, et cetera. Um, we talk about advocating for those sensory, you know, sensitivities. So when we talk about birth, first of all, like the solution piece of this is you must, you must have a birth plan that includes all of this sensory piece. And um, you need to have a plan in place for what happens during birth when it all becomes too much. And a lot of neurodirigent people go inward. So they shut down. And if you are not a neuroaffirming, like if you're not trained in this to see what shutdown looks like, if you're a doctor, if you're a nurse, if you're a midwife, and you don't have that knowledge, it can look like your coping patient is fine. Yeah. And how dangerous to look like you're fine when you are not. Um, and so we talk about that in that birth planning process of like, what does it look like when you're in an extraordinary amount of pain? Are you quiet or are you loud? Because I can tell you, and I'm not gonna speak for all nurses everywhere, but nurses are looking for how loud you are. And that's how you get um admitted to a birthing center or a hospital is like they're listening. Is this person in so much pain that they're loud? Um, but if you're neurodivergent, most of you get very quiet because you're masking, you're hard masking, right? This isn't this is advanced level masking. And a lot of us are playing that good patient. We want to be the good patient. It's part of our like, it's it's how we're built. And then your doctors, your nurses, your midwives are not able to see where you're at in your labor. Are you transitioning? Are you crowning? I've heard many stories where people are really, really calm and quiet and they're crowning. And um, yeah, so talking about advocating, talking about your communication style, talking about if you go into shutdown, do you need nonverbal cards to put out so you can communicate with your partner or or your healthcare providers? There are so many ways to do this.

Dr Olivia:

So that is a interesting because it reminds me a lot of the kind of tools and stuff we put in schools and stuff like that. And you see like a not a lot now, like and it's really great how from a commercial standpoint, you know, airplanes, airports, I think they do a better job than schools, which is why I'm using them as an example. You know, sports places. I had a mom describing to me how, you know, they went to a a sports event and it was too much, but they went, there was a sensory room there. And then all of a sudden, wow, went from totally overloaded to them being able to look at the game, talk about the game, and and have enjoyed their time there. Do they do that in hospitals? Like I don't know. You know, and I asked this with like tongue in cheek because I just had my daughter in the hospital, and it it could not have been less neurofriendly if they tried. I mean, they they they literally failed on so many levels, and I, you know, it was just I couldn't believe it, really. I was, you know, ashamed to be a doctor, actually. Um, and I can imagine that it's the same in in in maternity hospitals that this this hasn't been thought of. No.

Alix Myers:

I recently had um a birth client and she was pushing, pushing, and the nurse was speaking to her in a way that wasn't working for her brain. And I advocated for her and I said, you know, these words aren't working. We need to use this word. And she's literally there while this person is pushing, and she rolls her eyes at her. And I'm like, you know, in that moment, my job is I have to keep my client calm and I have to kind of like get in the way of this nurse and just do the opposite of what the nurse is doing. But if the staff isn't trained to understand that the language that you use or the lights that you turn on, or the lack of consent in touching someone can totally change their nervous system regulation. If you don't understand that, then it's really, really hard to in those moments, it's really hard as a dua or as a partner who's advocating for your neurodivergent birther, like it's really hard to teach them in that moment. So what we end up doing is being the bouncer. We end up being like the sensory bouncer or the boundary bouncer.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah. So there's a a whole layer there of education um that's needed within the Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely.

Alix Myers:

And I and kind of like as a doula, because I know that there's so little education happening around this, um, especially like in OB clinics and and the maternity wards, um, midwives are obviously a little bit better. Um, but it means that my job is to prepare you as the the person giving birth and your partner or family member that's there to support you and advocate. I have to educate you on the language that you need to use to get through to them.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah.

Alix Myers:

Versus what would be nice is if it was kind of the other way around.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah. And I mean, uh, I have a Bachelor's of Arts in obstetrics and have delivered many babies, but you know, it's also it never goes to plan. Whatever your plan is, it never, I mean, I may think that's the only one guarantee is including my own birth, it was it didn't go to plan, you know? And so that is really difficult for even a neurotypical person. And then you've got someone, I mean, because it's change and it's not what you thought, and it's not what you planned. And then you also have the lack of support and understanding and the communication barrier there, it can make for a very traumatic experience, which then I would imagine knocks on into postpartum. Yeah.

Alix Myers:

Yeah. Um, postpartum is my passion. I'm obsessed with postpartum. I when I talk about research the best. Um, I talk about postpartum plus because I'm a big believer that postpartum goes on for there's some research around it for like seven years. I totally believe it. It takes so long to feel like yourself again and to to stabilize your hormones and to get back to not back because you'll never be back, but become this new person. Um and so when we talk about sensory, there is so much happening. First of all, if you've had a traumatic birth experience, you are going through the process and you have to give yourself the space to grieve that and to um process it, and that can be really hard. Um neurodivergent people, their basic needs must be met, right? You need sleep, you must. Your brain is wired in a way that you must sleep, you must eat, you must drink water. I mean, I say water, you can drink whatever you want, but you must take in liquid. Um, and we often, as neurodivergent people, we forget to take care of our own needs, especially in the chaos and transition of postpartum. And so when I'm working with my clients, like this is the stuff that I really try and drive home is I'm gonna teach you how to take care of the baby. Okay. The baby's needs, they're quick, they're pretty simple, right? You need to feed them. I will teach you how to do that. You need to change them, I'll teach you how to do that. I can come up with 8 million different systems to help you with the executive functioning of taking care of your baby. Number one priority, you have to take care of yourselves because your well-being directly affects the baby's well-being. When we think about like school, right? When your kids get older and something's going on at school and the school notices that something is happening with your child, the first thing they do is check on what's going on with the parents. Because your parents, the parents' mental health, direct correlation, right? And so if you, I say this all the time, if you can't take care of yourself for yourself, if you're not there yet in your like self-love journey, take care of yourself for your kid, please.

Dr Olivia:

And that's something that goes on way past, way past. I mean, you know, it's something that I think moms just really need to get into their heads because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be there for your child. In the challenging moments, in the difficult moments, it's just impossible. And you know, it's it's not a nice to have or a selfish thing to do. It's actually something you're doing for your child. So I'm I'm really, really can't underline, highlight, set off fireworks around if you know it didn't bother people, but it is so important. Um, but it is also in that period of time super difficult. And you mentioned executive functioning skills. I mean, it's put to the test there, so it can be very easy then to let those things drop off because you're trying so hard. So take us through that a bit.

Alix Myers:

So, like the first thing I want to say is that taking care of yourself is a skill set. It is not something, especially if you are a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, you have been taught throughout years to not listen to yourself, to not listen to your needs, to not, you know, I just learned that when I have to pee, I should go right away. Like how we've just been taught to ignore, we talked about instincts earlier, to ignore our instincts. And so I want to be clear like taking care of yourself is something you learn to do. And hopefully we are now teaching our children to learn to do that at an earlier age. But it requires a lot of executive functioning to manage how am I going to take care, learn to take care of myself. I and I'm not sleeping. I'm learning to take care of myself, and I'm learning to take care of this other person. And my partner may or may not be neurodivergent, because we do know that neurodivergent people, we just love other neurospicy people. So often everyone is neurodivergent, and we're all learning to take care of ourselves and figure out this executive dysfunction madness at the same time. And so there are certain things that are like universal. Now, everybody deals with executive dysfunction differently. And so when we talk about like there's executive function and coaches that can be helpful. Um, and there's all these tools. Like some people like the signs with like, you know, different steps, and some people there's lots of tools. And I'll just say um, because I love to highlight how PDA profiles are completely different than every other profile. So, like that's pathological demand avoidance.

Dr Olivia:

I I think everyone listening will know that, but just in case.

Alix Myers:

Yes, I yes. You have a very well-informed audience. But so, you know, some of these tools work for some profiles and some of these tools don't work. And I have a plethora of them.

Dr Olivia:

And some work sometimes and some work other times. That's what I find. You know, that it's not a one size fits all. And you know, you might like one one week and then the next week, you know, it's like you got you gotta switch them up. It's the spice and the spiciness that you need.

Alix Myers:

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And novelty, we like all we all are craving novelty. Um okay, so in terms of executive functioning, yes, I have a hundred million tools that I can, you know, share and we come up with systems. Number one thing you need a support system. You need help. And so we have to build out a support system ideally in advance so that it's kind of like plug and play when you get to that postpartum period, that you're not drowning before we help you. That you're you're helping yourself, right? You're helping your future self. And sometimes that support system looks like a family member, like family members and friends. But a lot of the time that support system looks like hired help. And a lot of times we have to have a budget conversation in advance because the reality is if you do not put in place support, you are going to end up in a situation that is going to be really, really hard to navigate. And it's going to cost you money anyways.

Dr Olivia:

That's why I moved to Africa. I mean, I moved to Swaziland where I could hire help with my daughter as a single parent. So I'm not kidding.

Alix Myers:

That's pretty extreme. I get it.

Dr Olivia:

I was like, I can get a full-time nanny who lived, live, live, lived with me. Lived, lived, you know, had a little house in the back. She lived there, had a nice house, and you know, and and her sister was the house cleaner, and I had a gardener. You know, you you I couldn't afford that anywhere else in the world.

Alix Myers:

And and listen, like there's different like levels of what help looks like. Um, and there are depending on where you live, there's different programs that you could potentially like tap into. Um, but the world is not built for neurodivergent people and the neurodivergent experience. And we have it, it is a more expensive experience, to be honest. If you think about even as a parent to your children, like all of these therapies and all of these things that we need to move through the world. Um, so we really sit down in advance, ideally in advance, and talk about like who's going to do your laundry? Because it's not gonna be you if you're, you know, feeding your baby for eight to 10 hours a day. Who's gonna prepare your food? Is your mom actually going to show up every day with three meals for you? And some, some, honestly, some parents are incredible and amazing, but let's be realistic about the support systems you actually have and what you need. And if this is a budgetary concern, like let's shift some stuff around to make sure you're prioritizing your well-being. Um, so when it comes to executive functioning, and and it doesn't matter, it can be in pregnancy and it can be during birth, right? Like I do as our support, part of your support team. Um, it's it's really like twofold. Like, let's come up with these amazing systems. Let's give you a feeding basket that we place on your couch because that's your safe, cozy place, and you know you're gonna be sitting there a lot. And we're gonna have everything in that feeding, you know, basket. It's gonna be your chargers, it's gonna be your favorite snacks and your water bottle and all of the things you might need. I could give you a hundred million of those tips and tricks. And they work sometimes and they don't work other times, and we, you know, brainstorm and workshop that. But the biggest piece of supporting your executive functioning is what kind of support system do you have in place?

Dr Olivia:

What can you offload from from yourself, basically, which yeah, is is is really what needs to be done with executive function for our children as well, is what can we offload so that you can concentrate on what's important right now, whether that be school or managing stuff at home or looking after yourself and looking after your baby. So, yeah, as a super, super good advice. And and things that you don't actually, or I certainly didn't even well, I kind of thought about it, that's why I moved to Africa.

Alix Myers:

So I knew I needed help, but um but some part of you was tapping into this.

Dr Olivia:

Well, and I knew I didn't have a support system. My mom had just died, my dad, you know, he ended up following me, but you know, he you know, he he and he was helpful, but it it's you you might not have a a a community around you, and then you have to you have to figure out how you're gonna um create that community to help you because it we we don't we no longer live in a village where people help out and and do things um unfortunately. Um so it is it is important. It's I love the way you're talking about doing that beforehand before you reach that crisis moment because then yeah, you're in a in a in a bad in a bad situation. You touched upon upon feeding there, and I can imagine that for you know, I remember my my experience, and I had a really lovely nurse in the hospital who just kind of got it for me and it it and it worked. So I had a very good breastfeeding experience. But I know for a lot of and and luckily she stepped in when it was hard, and then she stepped in and whatever she did was great. I don't even remember what it was, but it it it it changed. But for a lot of people, that must also feel very intrusive, very demanding. Um, you know, it's sometimes hourly, you know. How can people prepare, you know, and you know, there must be a lot of fear around that as well. Um, and maybe bottle is the best thing, but that's also demanding as well. So how take us through feeding. Of course, yeah.

Alix Myers:

So I mean, feeding is tough for a couple of reasons. It's constant, right? The frequency, um, the the the advice right now in terms of like the best way to feed your your baby is to feed on demand. So we're talking about high demand for the parent that's feeding, um, because they could be cluster feeding and it's constant, right? There's also a sensory piece that's really challenging. Um, there's the latch, there's leaking, can be really, really uncomfortable. There's the sounds of pumps, awful um letdown. So I don't know if you can remember what letdown feels like, um, but it can feel like excruciating pain for someone who is very has a lot of sensory sensitivities. Um, and then there's the whole social pressure piece, right? And the comparison culture and shaming if it doesn't go smoothly and shaming if you try if you use a bottle. So let me just say I am a doula and I am telling you that nursing and breastfeeding and chest feeding, fantastic, unless it's not. Unless it's not. And then your mental health is number one. So if it's not working for you, and I can get it, like I can help you. I'm an infant feeding specialist, I can help you make this work. But if it feels awful, if every time you have let down, you're in excruciating pain, we have other options and we don't need to be in that kind of pain. So I think like for those three reasons, feeding can be a lot. Um, in terms of like chest feeding, what can I do to help you? Well, first of all, we can try different positions. Um, there's so many different positions out there. Um, and that's true for bottle feeding and chest feeding. Um I talked about my like feeding basket. I'm a really big fan of the feeding basket. And, you know, neurodivergent people, we have like, we're we're creatures of habit sometimes, right? Like we always sit in the same spot on the couch. Um, we love, like I'm a person, I want to be in my bed. I know those places that feel the most comfortable. So setting up those spaces to be um, to have all of my needs met, to have everything, all the executive functioning of having to just sit down and feed versus like, where's my phone and where's the TV controller and where's this? If we set that up, that takes a lot of the demand off. Um, you know, going back to that social pressure, just having like permission to feed however works for you and releasing this pressure. Um, the beginning of feeding, whether it's chest feeding or uh formula feeding, it can be challenging. You're learning a new skill and you're learning a new skill at the same time that your baby is learning a new skill, right? So you're learning together. Now, if you have subsequent children and you decide to, you know, do this nursing thing again, you'll see it's a little different because you're not learning at the same time the baby's learning. You're leading the path in a different way. So that part of it can be easier. But the first time around, you're learning together, and that's hard. Um, so having my best advice is if you really want to do this, take a breastfeeding course before you give birth.

Dr Olivia:

That's again another great tip.

Alix Myers:

You know, Olivia, we prepare for everything in life, right? Like you go to school to prepare for a job. You go, you know, before you go on a trip, you do research around what the trip is going to be and where you're going. Why are we not preparing for birth? Why are we not preparing for parenthood?

Dr Olivia:

Um, because I remember I had to wait like 12 hours for that nurse to come and teach me how to breastfeed. Yeah. And in that 12 hours, she was hungry. Do you know what I mean? It was not a good 12 hour.

Alix Myers:

And you would not be panicking. You were like, why isn't this working? And I didn't know what to do. Of course. And, you know, so taking a breastfeeding course is it should be just part of everything we do. Because if you understand the science of breastfeeding, the magic of what our bodies can do, it also alleviates a lot of the misinformation and those like that pressure, like all that talk about supply issues. Like I could just wipe that all out if everybody just learned the science of breastfeeding in the first place. Um, so that if you want to breastfeed, if that's really important for you, please take a course. There's so many, and there's a lot of them are free, right? You don't it this doesn't have to be something that costs a lot of money. It's just about learning. I also have so many YouTube videos that do a magical job of explaining how it works, how your body like recognizes the need from the baby, that you know, all of it. You I mean, you know, all of it how it goes in your brain, how the release and letdown works. Like it's incredible. And if you know about it, your success is gonna rate is gonna be much higher.

Dr Olivia:

And your your fear and your it's gonna help ground you. And you're and you don't have a screaming baby that needs to be fed, which is you know, you're in panic mode then.

Alix Myers:

Yeah. Yes. Now listen, I'm not gonna take away from the challenge that is a newborn baby. Of course, it's new, it's challenging, it's overwhelming, and it's loud, and that is all true. But these tips and tricks, they actually they help take it from like, you know, uh like an like a war of like madness and craziness, and I can't ground myself to okay, this is a challenging moment, and here are the tools I'm gonna put into place that are gonna help me. And if you're neurodivergent, those tools are a must. You must have them in place. Yeah.

Dr Olivia:

I would recommend every mother, you know what I mean? Everything that you've said today is is is is good advice for everyone. Um, yeah. How do you think that, you know, how can a partner um we've already kind of touched on how professionals can help or the lack that there's a lack there, so there's a need there that needs to be an opportunity. Oh, I like that an opportunity. Um but how can partners help and and and family members? Because, you know, as you said, they might be neurodivergent as well. And um, you know, they often get, you know, put in this role of being a helper, and sometimes that can, I mean, can be quite challenging as well. Yeah.

Alix Myers:

A hundred percent. So my first thing when I talk to partners is your job is to take care of you. So um when we're in a labor birth scenario, for instance, what I'll say to the partner is you need to do all of the things to take care of yourself because it cannot be the birther's job. And like, I'll keep tabs on you as your duela, but you need to know if you need a break. You need to know if you need to eat something and you need to drink something and you need that special pillow that is the only way that you can rest. So my first thing with partners is you need to take in all of the all of the care of yourself. Take that off of your partner's plate. Um, the second thing is to educate yourself about your, like the person that's giving birth or the primary parent, let's say it that way. Um, you have to educate yourself on their needs and be able to pick up on the cues. So if they look at you because someone's talking to them and they've shut down, like, are you gonna pick up on that or do we need a hand signal? I just did a birth planning session last night. It was like, okay, we need a nonverbal cue here. So if the birther raises her hand, that means the person has to stop talking to them. So your role is to step in and say, okay, she's had enough. Give me the information and when she's through this contraction, whatever, I will share that information back to her in a time that she can process. So I almost want you as the partner to have this like secret language between the two of you and little ways that and nonverbal cues that you can pick up on. You know, my husband and I, like, we do like a hand squeezing thing. And so when I squeeze his hand three times, he knows like, I need, I need you, I need you to step in for me. Um, so I would say the first piece is taking care of yourself. The second piece is like be really clear on your on your partner's needs and be able to pick up on those cues and be able to like pick up on pay attention, pay attention to what they're trying to tell you, even if they can't speak it. Um and the other thing is you be that boundary bouncer. That boundary bouncer. Like that should be the partner's job. So if there's a grandparent that's not listening, like it's your job to be the bad guy in this scenario. It's your job to like send out the text saying, hey everyone, we just had the baby. Here's the baby's name. This is the baby's way. We are not having visitors for the next week. And like you take that flack if there's gonna be flack. If you can lower all the other demands for the moment, that's going to make such a big difference.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah, those are all really, really good pieces of advice and also gives a uh a really clear role of what the partner can really excel at, which is also good too, because sometimes I think partners are left feeling, you know, well, what what do I do? You know? Yeah.

Alix Myers:

And I'll say this most partners, this is their first time being, you know, having someone taking care of someone that's pregnant, taking being in the room when a loved one is going through this very intense labor and delivery. Um, it is their first time having a new baby. They don't know as much as we, you don't know, right? And so talking in advance, I keep saying this, but in advance, prepping, having the conversations. What is your role gonna be in the delivery room? What is your role going to be postpartum? Are you gonna be the diaper changer? Are you going to be the person that does the garbage every day? Are you gonna like having a conversation in advance about your expectations of your partner, their needs? They, if if I have some, you know, partners that are like, I have to run every day. And that is how my brain works. If I don't run for 20 minutes every day, I can't function. And so I say, we're gonna build the whole schedule, the whole, all the tools around the fact that this dad, partner, whatever, must run for 20 minutes a day.

Dr Olivia:

I I can I feel that because you know what, if I don't run, I uh or exercise of some sort, I'm not a very good parent. So, you know, and what a what an empower thing power thing to be able to say that because it's again self-indulgent. Oh, you need to have a run every day. But actually, for that person to be the person that you need them to be with all the other things we've just discussed, it's super important. And then recognizing that. So again, it's it's that preparation though, because you're not in the middle of it where you haven't been able to sleep, the baby's crying, and then your partner wants to go for a run. That's just gonna end in disaster.

Alix Myers:

Yeah. But if you have that conversation advanced, you understand it, we we put it as a need, not a want, it all of a sudden that that resentment goes away.

Dr Olivia:

I just lost you there. Are you back? I'm here, I'm here. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Yes. I was just um so it it will end in disaster, you know? So it it's it's it's a lot of this is pre-preparation to be able to and it protects your relationship.

Alix Myers:

Yeah. So if this is a partner, this is a romantic partner, um, it protects your relationship because the resentment disappears. If you need, if if we're putting categorizing going for a run as a need, all of a sudden, it no longer becomes like, oh, you're self-indulgent, exactly as you said. It becomes this is how my partner is going to needs to function. And so that's why I always say, like, your first job as a partner is to take care of yourself. Um, and then you're gonna show up so much better, right?

Dr Olivia:

And it's the same advice to the mom, you know, who's having the baby, exactly the same advice. But it's so, yeah. And but it is hard for us, I think, uh to get that message across, but it is such an important one because that's what really helps with the mental health and well-being throughout. So if um, you know, I I think you you've just you've opened my mind up to this, and hopefully, you know, I I know a lot of listeners who've gone through this wish that they had someone like you, probably definitely, while they were going through it. But you've also given a lot of tips that people can actually do themselves, which is fantastic. But if if you could give three top tips that listeners could take away, um, what would your three top tips be?

Alix Myers:

Okay, number one, that your sensory system matters. Like prioritize your sensory system, honor it as much as you're gonna honor your baby's needs. I want you to really honor your needs. So uh take care of yourself, choose lighting, choose sound, bring your noise canceling headphones to your appointments, do all of the things to take care of your sensory system so that your body stays out of that fight or flight as much as possible. Um, number two, reduce steps, reduce demand as much as possible in this perinatal period. Give yourself a break. Um, really consider if things must be done. Do they have to be done right now? What can I remove off of my plate and how can I delegate? And I guess that would be number three is ask for help. Ask for all of the help. All of the help. Just this is not something that you can do on your own. You need a support system in place and be realistic about your support system and what their capacity is. And what you can outsource. Yeah. Yeah. And and no, I'm a doula, and doulas do a lot of different roles, as I said. We come into your house and we can come three hours a day for three, you know, three days a week, or whatever schedule you come up with. And we're there to help you and support you and and teach you how to take care of the baby and talk through all of you know your medical appointments and share evidence-backed research with you so that you get the real, real. Stop Googling, talk to your doula instead. There's also overnight doula support. So if you're just overwhelmed with the overnight piece, you can employ an overnight doula who will come and do that overnight shift for you with you. Um, we are there are feeding support groups that are free and in your neighborhoods and communities. Um, there's just so many support uh opportunities out there. And so it doesn't have to look the same. There's au pairs, there's nannies, like there's just so many different options. And uh get help. Don't wait.

Dr Olivia:

Don't wait. No, I agree. And and your your third tip, you still have a third tip to go. Um, I I can guess what it is. Uh I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna guess your third tip. It's it's preparation. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And and there's so many things that you don't think about. I mean, you think about buying the crib and the toys and the little cute little outfits. I didn't think about I did think about help. I mean, that is the one thing I did think about, but um I was raised in Africa and then England and whatever. So that probably is why it was in my head. But all the other stuff, I didn't think about that, you know? Um, and it's so important. So I think that preparation piece, you know?

Alix Myers:

And I don't think it needs to be overwhelming. And I don't think it needs to be like uh you don't have to write like a research project here. I think there's, you know, think about the way that you learn, right? Do you learn through video? Do you learn through audio? There's so many podcasts out there. Do you learn through like interaction and communication and a group setting? Figure out what feels good to get to learn and find the right situation for you. Um, I mean, there's just so many ways now to learn about birth, to learn about labor, to learn about breastfeeding and postpartum. Uh, that it's amazing. And I have some clients that just want me to text them things and they only want to communicate over text, and that's cool too. And I could teach you so much over text. So um, so yeah, any way that you do this is great, but don't walk in there and like wing it. Yeah, winging it is not great for neurodivergent brains, it doesn't work for us so well. Um, so you know, know what you need and how you want to learn about this new journey you're on and do it that way.

Dr Olivia:

Excellent. Well, you have been so helpful and so wonderful, and your story's been really motivating, I think. Now, if if my listeners who you know are all around the world, um, can they reach out to you or you know, can yeah?

Alix Myers:

So, first of all, I would say follow me on Instagram because I share so many of these tips and tricks and so much information uh through Instagram. We'll put that link in the show notes. Yeah, it's lovetender.ly underscore doula. Um, and the other thing is that I work virtually, so I support families all over the world and it looks through pregnancy support sessions and I do virtual births where I'm with you and I'm like with you virtually, and you can I'm on call, I'm with you the whole time. And then obviously postpartum and infant feeding support as well. And so, yeah, so reach out to me and don't like question yourself. If you have a question, reach out to me. Sometimes it can be so quick to answer and you'll feel your nervous system, you know, and that cortisol going down just through an email or just through a 30-minute conversation.

Dr Olivia:

Yeah, and I think that's so key is you're not alone because sometimes it can feel very lonely and um you can you can doubt yourself as we start this conversation about you know that you should be feeling joy and whatever, maybe you're not. So yeah, reach out to people, reach out to um don't don't keep that stuff inside. Let it out. Let it out. Ask for help. Everyone. Well, thank you so much, Alex. It's been a pleasure having you on the podcast. Thank you so much. I've had such a great time. Thank you for listening. Send Parenting Tribe. Remember, you don't have to do this alone. Join as one of the 50 founding members at 29 pounds a month for life. Cancel anytime. Link is in the show notes. Next week we'll be looking at neurodiversity at work, what it means now, and what it means for our children as they approach the age where they enter the workforce. Looking forward to having you join us then.