SEND Parenting Podcast

EP 151: Mum Burnout

• Dr. Olivia Kessel

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0:00 | 17:19

Christmas is often sold as magical and restorative. For many mums of neurodiverse children, it is exhausting.

In this honest, deeply personal episode, Dr Olivia Kessel shares a raw Christmas Eve moment that reveals the hidden burnout so many mothers carry. This is a conversation about emotional regulation, guilt, shame, and the invisible labour of neurodiverse parenting.

If you made it through the holidays feeling drained, snappy, or empty, this episode is for you. Burnout is not a failure. It is a sign you have been giving more than you have.

You are not alone.

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📩 Contact Me
If you would like to get in touch, you can email me directly at olivia.kessel@sendparenting.com
I would genuinely love to hear from you, especially about the topics you would like covered and the guests you would love to hear from in 2026.


Dr Olivia:

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, Dr. Olivia Kessel, and more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, Alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Hello and welcome back to the Send Parenting Podcast 2026. I'm Dr. Olivia Kessel. We took a short break over Christmas and New Year, and I wanted to return with something honest. Not a polished interview of a guest, but something real and something close and personal to my heart as well. Because I know we talked about this before the holidays, how they're often framed as magical, joyful, restorative. For many mothers of neurodiverse children, including myself, they are anything but they are exhausting. They are emotionally demanding, and they require us to have superhuman strength and stay calm, regulated, patient, and present, often while we ourselves are completely depleted. If you're listening and thinking, I made it through the holidays, but I feel completely empty and drained. This is the episode for you. Because there really is a hidden burnout for moms during the holidays. It's one of the hardest things about parenting a neurodiverse child, not the child, but it's their behavior and how we need to react and how we need to keep them balanced. It's the constant emotional regulation we're asked to provide, even when our own nervous systems are stretched to breaking point. During the holidays, there are no routines to lean on, no school structure, no real breaks, and often very little space for us as moms to fall apart. We become that emotional buffer. We become the interpreter for families, friends, activities. We become the calm in the storm. And that's not neutral work, that's exhausting work. I know a lot of you out there will this will resonate with. And yet, so many of us feel guilty for feeling burnt out by it. I know I do too. So I wanted to share with you my not so perfect Christmas story. And this is just one of many, but I thought it was uh quite a highlight. So Christmas Eve morning, um I woke up with hope. You know, I really thought we were gonna have a lovely day. I'd pictured lunch out with my dad, Christmas carols in the evening with all of the neighbors, presents waiting under the tree, the feeling that we've made it, and that maybe, maybe we're just gonna have a nice, calm Christmas Eve. And then I did something unforgivable. I asked Alexandra to take a shower. She didn't want to take a shower. She flatly refused. At first, I tried to stay calm. I really did. I explained why she needed to wash her hair before the celebrations. I knew she had a huge tangle. Um, I called it the beast from not brushing her hair properly during the holidays, but she didn't want to admit it was there. Um, she wouldn't let me touch it. I told her, forget about the tangle, just get clean. But by that point, her nervous system had already tipped. She was her dysregulation escalated quickly. She started screaming, she started hitting, she started kicking. I'm not gonna shower over and over again. This went on for more than an hour, and I was just thinking in my head, oh God, this is just you know, I didn't know what to do. Time was running out, I was exhausted, and I could feel that familiar pressure building. The clock was ticking, the plans were slipping away, the quiet panic that everything was about to unravel. And eventually she said I that she would take a shower if I would turn the shower on for her. And the reason for that is eight years ago in Corfu, she got electrocuted by a shower. Okay, she's never been electrocuted again, but she still hates turning on the shower. So I was like, you know what? It's not the time to have her learn. And she knows how to turn on the shower. So I turned on the shower. But what I didn't realize was that the shower head had been put back in the holder incorrectly. So I left the bathroom, it swung outwards and started spraying water everywhere but in the bathtub. Alexandra then started to kick up again, and because she thought I wouldn't turn on the shower and she still refused to go into the bathroom. And that was the moment when I lost it. I said words that I regret and I said, you know, unless you shower, there'll be no Christmas, no Christmas presents. And even as the words came out, I knew I had crossed a line. I stopped myself. I realized I was losing control, that I was no longer responding, I was reacting. My fight or flight was in action. So I decided to walk away. I went downstairs into the kitchen, trying to calm myself down, carrying a glass of my sparkling water in my hand. And then I slipped. I spectacularly slipped and I landed hard on my knee as I desperately tried to stop the glass from smashing. I hit the floor and in pain, my adrenaline was rushing. I was swearing loudly. And when I looked up, I saw that water was dripping through the kitchen ceiling. The shower was still running upstairs. And in that moment, sitting on my kitchen floor, my knee throbbing, and actually, I was like, have I broken it? But I hadn't. So I was feeling relief about that. Watching the water leak through the ceiling, something shifted. You know, the pain was starting to subside. I realized I hadn't broken my knee, but I also realized something else. Alexandra not taking a shower was not the end of the world. So I hobbled back upstairs, preparing myself for more conflict and just to, you know, put a cap on it. But as I reached the bathroom, I heard her. She was singing. She was in the shower. So I imagine that many of you have some Christmas moments, just like my Christmas moments. And I'm sure I could share a few more stories with you as well. But you know what shifted for me that morning was not just a strategy, it was permission. And I know I've talked about this before, but you know, you can talk, but you have to listen to your own advice too, and it's often easier said than done. Permission to stop performing calmness and instead offer connection. I reminded myself that, you know, her dysregulation is contagious, but so is mine. But compassion is also contagious. I didn't fix everything, um, but I went and slowed myself down. And, you know, when she got out of the shower, we talked about it later. And the next time we had a shower during the holidays, she did manage to do it okay. All right, the shower before school yesterday, she didn't want to do it. So, you know what I said to her? I said, you know what? When do you want to do it? And so she's agreed, and she's actually even signed a piece of paper for me, that she's gonna do it this afternoon. But you know what? It's really getting that connection and not falling into that dysregulation. You know, but I think that we also have to be kind to ourselves as moms, because you know, it's easy to be told what to do, it's easy to know what to do, it's much harder to do it. And when it's constant, 24 hours a day, we get burned out and we feel shame about that, you know. We feel like it's a personal failing, but it's not. It's I mean, it's amazing that more of us don't fail more often, you know? It's almost predictable, like an outcome that it's inevitable. I mean, we are constantly advocating for our children, we are constantly having our sleep interrupted, we are constantly having to be emotionally stable and regulated, but yet have to, you know, make sure they do certain things and learn certain things and be their mother. It's difficult. And we're also the person that everyone leans on in the family. Being burned out doesn't mean you love your child any less. It means you've been giving more than you have at that moment. And the holidays often expose that reality brutally. So I want you all to give yourself a hug, you know, just give yourself one and just say, you know what, you survived the holidays. And you know what? Even if you had moments like mine where you're laying on the kitchen floor, not feeling too proud of yourself, it's okay. You know what? We got through it. We are being the best mom parent that we can be for our child or children. So now we're looking ahead to 2026. And I really, you know, I don't want moms, I don't want to ask you guys to do anything more. Um, we have enough on our plates, but I want to ask you to do things differently. And when I reflect on myself, it's, you know, what would I like to focus on this year? And I think, you know, the key thing is how we as moms can regulate ourselves, not just our children. And how we can recognize in ourselves when we're starting to burn out and what we can do about it, and how we can actually build support that doesn't rely on us being endlessly resilient. And then also how we can stop the negative self-talk when we can't stay calm or we appear under pressure, be kinder to ourselves. So on the podcast this year, I want to be talking more openly about motherhood and identity loss, the emotional cost of us masking as parents, which we have to do a lot. Nervous system repair, our nervous system repair. Our nervous systems have been on high alert for as long as our children have been alive. Okay. And then as our kids moved into adolescence, as mine is, and into those teenage years, the increasing demands and how it how our parenting has to shift with that, and what tools and strategies we can use. And I'm going to share with you and tap into some of my psychological training and some of the techniques I've used in healthcare as well. And how we can put ourselves back into the picture and make sure that we are refilling our cup. So I would like you to realize you are not alone. That's why I've shared my story right now. I would love to hear your stories. What are you carrying right now? What happened over Christmas that you need to get off your shoulders? Are there topics in 2026 that you would like us to talk about? Are there any guests, themes, or conversations you'd like to hear this year? I would love for you to reach out, and there'll be a link in the show notes for you to do so, or you can go onto my website. This podcast really exists for us as parents, but mainly moms, to hold the space for real experiencing of neurodiverse parenting, not the polished version, the real shit version that we sometimes have to live through. And you know what? We have to keep going. We can't give up. So, warts and all, that is what this podcast is about. And that is what I want to talk about in 2026 because you're not alone, you don't need to feel shame, and you know what? You're doing a pretty great job. So if you made it through the holidays and you feel drained, you're not weak, you're human. If you've lost your calm at times, like I did, that doesn't erase the love, safety, advocacy you provide day in and day out. You are allowed to need care too. I want to thank you for being here and thank you for trusting me. And I'm really glad that we're going to be walking this road together in 2026. I wanted to finish today by talking directly to the moms listening who were thinking, I can't keep doing this on my own. Because one of the biggest drivers of burnout in neurodiverse parenting is isolation and feeling like everyone else is coping better than you, and feeling like you are barely holding everything together behind the scenes. And that's why I really was motivated to create the ADHD Warrior Mom community. It is a paid community, but it's only 30 pounds a month, and that's because of what you get for that. It's not a space for perfect parenting, it's a space for honesty and understanding and support from other moms who truly get it. One mom in the community said to me for the first time she really felt understood rather than judged, and that listening to other people's stories resonated with her so much. Another shared that they realized that they weren't failing, they were burnt out. And this was a space where they could learn and they could gain expertise, not just from me, but also from experts that we bring into the community. So, what will you find in the community? Well, it's a first of all, a supportive group of moms walking a similar path. Every week we have group coaching sessions where we talk through real challenges and strategies that work. And then once a month we have a masterclass with an expert. Some of them have been on the podcast, but you get the opportunity to actually speak to them and ask your questions. And then once a month we do a refuel and rise, which is really about giving back to ourselves and doing something that is for us, not for our children, for us. So it is an opportunity, but if you don't have the money right now, and I understand how tight money can be, um, I know this Christmas has been a nightmare. My dog's been ill, thousands of pounds. Um, all of my appliances seem to have broken. So I understand money can be tight. So if it's not in your remit, 30 pounds is a pound a day. There also is the send parenting WhatsApp community, which is a phenomenal group of women and a few men who are there for each other, and that's totally free. So I will have links to both of those, and um, they are both great resources. Um, you can also have one-on-one coaching with me as well, which you can access as well. But I think community is so important as we navigate parenting our children because someone might have walked the path before you and have ideas that can help you that you can try. I know I find a huge support from all of my listeners and from all of the people in the different communities because we are a tribe, we understand each other. And there's a lot of love, a lot of caring, and a lot of giving, which is really remarkable considering how much we give and care in our homes. So if you're listening and you're feeling emotional, relieved, or quietly hopeful hearing this, you're not alone. You are never meant to do this on your own. Community does not take the challenges away, but it reminds you that you're not broken, you're not failing, and you're not alone. So, again, I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for listening, and I want to thank you for showing up with your children, even when you're running on empty. I'm really glad you are part of the Send Parenting Podcast, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you in 2026. Thank you so much for listening and being part of the Send Parenting Tribe. If you'd like more support between episodes, you can find information in the show notes about our free private WhatsApp community, as well as details about the ADHD Warrior Mom membership for those looking for a deeper connection, group coaching, and specialist-led masterclasses. I'm sending a really big hug to everyone navigating the return to school, the shift back into routines, and all the emotional and nervous system challenges that come with that. It's hard for our children and it's hard for us too. I'd love to hear from you. Please feel free to share your Christmas stories, reflections, and any topics or guests you'd love to have us cover in 2026. My email link is also in the show notes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for walking this journey alongside me. You are not alone.