SEND Parenting Podcast

EP 156: Choosing the Right ADHD or Autism Diagnosis Pathway

• Dr. Olivia Kessel

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Choosing how to get an ADHD or autism diagnosis can feel overwhelming — and confusing. But the pathway you choose does not just affect how long you wait. It affects your child's support, medication access, and long-term outcomes.

In this episode, Dr Olivia Kessel is joined by Reemz — a member of the SEND Parenting community with direct experience working inside NHS CAMHS and supporting a family member through Right to Choose.

Together, they break down:

  • The NHS CAMHS diagnostic pathway
  • The Right to Choose pathway — what it really offers and where families get stuck
  • Private assessments — benefits, risks, and hidden costs
  • Why diagnosis is not a “label,” but a tool for understanding and support
  • What parents need to know before starting any pathway

This episode is for parents who are:

  • Unsure which route to take
  • Already on a waiting list
  • Worried about making the “wrong” decision
  • Seeking clarity, not opinions

You are not failing.
 You are navigating a complex system — and knowledge changes everything.

🔗 Helpful Resources & Guidelines

As mentioned on Podcast Reemz has kindly shared two worksheets that you can print and use at home:

ASD Diagnostic criteria worksheet

ADHD Diagnostic criteria worksheet

Right to Choose (England)

Clear explanations of the process, providers, and current waiting times:
 👉 ADHD UK – Right to Choose Guide

📘 DSM Diagnostic Criteria

Understanding what clinicians are actually assessing can help you advocate more effectively.

(These criteria explain why traits must be present across settings and over time.)

If this episode helped you, please share it with another parent who might be quietly stuck.
 And stay tuned — next week’s episode, “Shut the Fluff Up,” dives into how parent regulation changes everything when our children are dysregulated.

You are not alone. 


 You are doing the hardest job  ❤️ Dr Olivia

💬 Connect with Us

🌱 Join our SEND Parenting Private WhatsApp Community — a free, safe, welcoming space to share, learn, and feel supported by parents who truly understand the realities of neurodiverse family life.

⚡ Ready to go deeper?
Become part of the ADHD Warrior Mum’s Membership — a paid membership space with group coaching with Dr Olivia, access to masterclasses with neurodiverse experts, monthly self-care and real connection. You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

📩 Contact Me
If you would like to get in touch, you can email me directly at olivia.kessel@sendparenting.com


I would genuinely love to hear from you, especially about the topics you would like covered and the guests you would love to hear from in 2026.


Setting The Stage: Why Pathways Matter

Dr Olivia

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, Dr. Olivia Kessel. And more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, Alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Welcome, Sen Parenting Tribe. I am really glad you're here. Today's episode is one I know so many of you are navigating right now, often quietly, often feeling unsure which way to turn and which is the right way. How to get a diagnosis for your child. So today I'm going to be joined by Reems, a member of our Sen Parenting WhatsApp community, who really brings a valuable perspective to this conversation. Reems has worked within the NHS CAMS pathway and has also supported a family member who's gone through Right to Choose. So she understands the systems to diagnosis both from the inside and what it's like to navigate from the outside. So today we're really going to talk about why which pathway you choose for diagnosis matters. And we're going to look at the positives and the minuses because the route you take doesn't just affect how long you wait. It affects kind of the support you receive, the timing of medication, and ultimately the outcomes for you and your child. So you need to kind of weigh up the positives and the negatives. So if you felt confused, overwhelmed, or worried, and I know I did when I was going through this process, and you're worried about making the wrong decision, this is the episode for you because it really lays it out. I will bring my experiences, Reams will bring hers, and together, hopefully, we'll give you a clear picture so you can make an informed decision if you're at that step of should I get a diagnosis, whether that be ADHD or autism, and which pathway should I take. So welcome, Reams. It's such a pleasure to have you on the Send Parenting podcast today. And I am so looking forward to discussing the different diagnostic pathways for autism, for ADHD, combination of the both, and kind of getting into the nitty-gritty of what's working and what's not, what are the benefits, what are some of the barriers. So I'm really super excited. But before we break down each of the pathways, can you set some kind of context for our listeners on what the landscape really looks like right now? How many people are waiting? What a typical wait looks like on the NHS, and why is this a real issue? I know that's a lot. So I guess context will be first.

The Backlog: Demand, DSM Updates, And COVID

Reemz

Yeah. So I guess the first thing

Speaker

to say would be why are we where we are at the moment? And that's obviously at the moment we've got improved recognition for ADHD. And whereas previously you could only be diagnosed with ASD or ADHD, there was an update to the diagnostics statistical manual DSM, which now allows diagnosis of ASD and ADHD together. So obviously, now we've got more people being recognised with ADHD. I think also services weren't set up to meet demand either. So we didn't have data on how many children or adults were being diagnosed. And I know that sounds quite silly, but um the way the services were commissioned is quite fragmented in some areas as well. So I think that's kind of added to that. There's a lack of funding, as we know for the NHS, there's a lack of space, the shortage of staff, so you need to have the right staff within that diagnostic pathway. And if you're not able to employ those staff and you've got a gap, then you're not going to be able to see as many patients and diagnose and treat. Um, there was also some concerns from some of the clinicians that work on the ground that the model had moved more, particularly with ADHD, towards a medicine-only model, and there were concerns that there were more patients coming through that needed to be medicated, and obviously, then your clinical time is split between do you do you spend time diagnosing or do you treat those patients? So I think that's added to some of the pressure. Um, and also there's some misconceptions around needing a diagnosis to access support. So, of course, things yeah, you know, you can get an EHCP, you can get DLA without a diagnosis. You know, there are pros of having a diagnosis, but you don't need them specifically to be able to access those bits. And you know, I think those would be the the sort of main things, and obviously, COVID that was the big thing that happened, so I think that has made waiting lists worse, and then a small minority of clinicians that perhaps went off and decided they wanted to do private work, which I'm not I'm not saying private um isn't great, but I think obviously that reduces the pool of clinicians working within the NHS. So I think that's why we've ended up now with long waiting lists, you know, not just for diagnosis but for management as well. Um, I think it's a bit of a postcode lottery, so it depends on how the service is commissioned in your area. So some areas will have a pre- and post-diagnostic pathway for ASD and ADHD, some won't. Um, some uh are largely seen through CAMS, in other areas it's different. So I think that makes this landscape very unpredictable, and that's why we are where we are.

Evidence Gathering And DSM Criteria

Dr Olivia

Yeah, that's a really, really good explanation because it is multifactorial, and there isn't just one reason that you can pinpoint, but there is this lack of kind of continuity and similar care across the landscape of England. And, you know, it's not just seen in this topic which we're just discussing today. It's seen in EHCPs, it's seen in in lots of ways. So there's, you know, there's great having that autonomy and being able to do your own stuff at a local level, but this is kind of some of the backlash of that. And that, you know, there's there's never a positive without a minus. And as you said, with COVID, I think also a lot of parents became aware of things that they weren't aware of when they were actually trying to homeschool their children at home that that came out of the woodwork. So, you know, and a lot, a lot gets said nowadays about, oh, too many people are being diagnosed. But actually, in terms of prevalence levels, we're not we're not skyrocketing through the prevalence levels. There's actually a lot of underdiagnosed people. And um I think that's sometimes not known conceptually, you know, and unfortunately, um, although you don't need a diagnosis for an EHCP, which means which is really a huge thing to scream out to people because you don't need to wait. And I made the mistake of waiting. Um, I would there are so many mistakes I made. It's I could write a book on just my mistakes, but you know, you want to get that support in school as soon as possible. So you don't want that to delay it. But I think getting a diagnosis is also really important because otherwise you can't understand the neurobiology of your child and you can't put the right support, not just at school and not just in terms of medication, but at home. So I think, you know, it's been life-changing for my daughter and I to get that ADHD diagnosis in terms of how we've now been able to respond to it. Two years down the road, she's doing so well. If we didn't have that, I think our family would be in tatters at this point. So I think it's so multifactorial. And that's why it's so important for all the listeners out there. We're gonna take you through kind of all the different pathways, and I'm gonna pick Ream's brain on the benefits and the barriers, and I'm gonna add my own two cents in as well. So let's start with the first one, which is you know, you've kind of alluded to it, that NHS CAMS pathway. How does that work? You know, from your experience, and then we can get into the benefits and limitations, but let's just first describe it for people.

Speaker

So, okay, very much so depends on how your service is commissioned in your local area. So, what I would always say to parents is go and find out how your service is commissioned in your area, and that might be you know, contacting the ICB, speaking to other parents, whatever that is. And I think that's really important because otherwise you can sit and wait for someone. I've had this happen. A friend uh went off to a GP, and actually four or five months later, the GP has now said, I'm not the person to refer you to CAMS, it's actually your Senko you need to go through. So I think that's really important, and that that does vary by area. So find out. So, what a lot of the pathways look like are they you'll either have patients referred by your GP, the Senko, or some areas will allow a self-referral, but I think that's becoming few and far between now, and that this for children and young people. And once that referral is made, I think largely a lot of NHS trusts will ask that the symptoms that you're seeing or the traits that you're seeing are present for a substantial period of time. So if you've only been spotting things for like a few months, you might find your referral gets uh rejected. Um, so yeah, the referral comes through, and that might be through CAMS or it might be through someone like a community pediatrician, and someone will vet that referral. And again, I will say that screening process of vetting that referral is not standardized across the country. So, what one area might say compared to another varies substantially. So I think that that causes some issues, you know.

Dr Olivia

And and if you get rejected, it doesn't mean that you just have to sit back and take it either.

Speaker

Absolutely not. I would say if if your referral gets rejected, find out why. You know, if that means you've got to ring and you've got to chase, do it, gather your evidence, you know. And I would always say to parents again, if you're thinking about a diagnosis, whether you're going down NHS, private, or um right to choose any of the pathways available, always look at the sort of nice guidelines so what the diagnostic process is, but also the DSM criteria for how your what you know how your child gets diagnosed, because then you can do that groundwork of going, well, okay, you know, um, have I seen um lack of attention, you know, lack of focus, have I seen black and white thinking? What have I seen? Describe it, how long for you know, I I did a whole spreadsheet for myself with all the DSM criteria and listed, you know, examples of those behaviors and how long they've been prevalent for, but also spoke to school, you know, around what they love that so do it, you know, if if you need to do that.

Dr Olivia

And that's and it's important because like when when you read through them, and I'll I'll I'll have a link to those on the um the show notes so people can look at it, but also, you know, because you have to show that it's in more than one setting. So to your point, school and at home, and also, you know, our memories are fallible, so we forget and we don't realize. So, you know, first of all, being aware of it and then tracking it, and then that also helps you getting the right support at school when you see where those issues are, because there are easy things in school that they can help to facilitate some of the issues that children are having before even diagnosis or going down any of those pathways.

Masking, Girls, And Missed Presentations

Speaker

Yes, yes, absolutely. And the other thing I would say is as you've said, Olivia, you for for particularly ADHD, it needs to be present in more than one setting. So a lot of parents come across because it might be that school don't see it, they're masking. So, you know, think about other settings that your child attends. Do they, are they with family? Are they with childcare? Are they in a sports club? Are they, you know, what else do they go out and do? Could they write something for you to support the fact that they're seeing some of these traits as well?

Dr Olivia

So And I also think to look at, especially if it's girls, because this was something that I fell into a hole about with, you know, and I've actually written a book which is coming out in May to help other parents with this because I didn't realize what some of the signs were from a girl's perspective. They don't really clarify that in the DSM in terms of what that inattention might look like, you know, daydreaming, you know, things that we wouldn't normally think. We're just, oh, she's just a girl, you know, she's imaginative, she's off with the fairies, you know, stuff like that. So it's it's really important to also look at for girls and also kids of different ethnicities, because that often gets missed as well.

Speaker

Um yes. And I would say to parents out there, there's also this fear from I would say particularly ethnic minority groups. I mean, I'm from an Asian family and my son's mixed, but you know, there's a lot of stigma within the Asian community. You either get parents who are really pro-diagnosis or ones that want to kind of avoid and bury their heads in the sand. And I think, you know, you're doing, I'm not saying you have to go and get a diagnosis, but make sure you're not ignoring those child's needs because it's not going to go away. And actually, they could miss out on years of support that they could be getting even without a diagnosis, you know.

Dr Olivia

So I think and I would be the difficult doctor and say, you know what, dig your head out of that sand. I had to dig mine out and get a diagnosis because you know what? It's life-changing for you and your child. And you know what? I had a great guest once that used this analogy, which I love. She goes, you know, if you have a cashmere sweater and you want to wash it, it's good to know what's on the label because if you just stick it in with all your other wash, it's gonna come out shrunk and not fluffy and lovely anymore. If you wash it on delicate and you follow the instructions on the label, you can wash it quite easily and it comes out lovely and fluffy. It fits you still. I would say that's the same thing with neurodiversity. You know, it's not some, it's not a negative, it's not a bad thing to have. It's just it helps you to be able to support your child so that they can thrive. And that's really the reason behind it.

Inside The NHS CAMHS Process

Speaker

Completely. And it signposts other people that interact with your child as to how to support them in the best way, how to meet their needs. So I yeah, you know, whether you choose to do a diagnosis now or later, whatever your reasons, I think, yeah, you know, it's it's important. Um, so yeah, so the pathway would be yeah, prefer some form of screening, and then once you're in through the system, some form of developmental questionnaires normally happen. Um, if you're going down the ADHD route, they might do um some form of computerised test like a QB test. Um, there will be questionnaires as well for yourself and for school, and that's both autism and ADHD, and there's various types of questionnaires that can be used. Um, if you're looking at ASD, they might do an observation within the clinic where the child's um playing with some toys and they might be asked some questions and the parent isn't present generally for that, and they might do a school observation as well sometimes. Um, and then all of that information is sort of pulled together, and normally it's multiple professionals that might have seen the patient, and that's important for the diagnosis in some in some cases. So it might be salt, it might be um which is uh speech and language therapists, it might be uh community pediatrics, it might be a clinical psychologist, it might be a psychiatrist. So a number of professionals that have then input it and they will normally have a multidisciplinary discussion and decide whether that child meets the threshold for diagnosis.

Dr Olivia

Now and what's can I stop you there for one sec? Is what's really interesting from my personal experience on this too is with these questionnaires that you have, they are quite long. And you know, you do them by yourself, your child does them if they're old enough by themselves, sort of a little bit of help, and your school does them. And what I found super interesting in our case was there was like a standard deviation of one or two between all of our answers without any of us talking. And I was like, oh no, she can't have ADHD. It's not possible. And then all of us answered all the questions pretty much exactly the same, which was so validating because it's a thorough process where you're getting insights into your child from so many different angles, your angle, maybe your partner's angle, your child's angle, and your teachers or a couple of teachers. And then that's all being compiled. And that's really important because if you're getting an assessment, oh, we'll talk about that later in private. We will talk about that later. But so you will know that your child has been thoroughly looked at. And, you know, it makes you really feel validated, I think, in what you're seeing. And as you said, some schools don't see it because of masking, but um, they might also go out to other situations that you've listed and they'll also answer those questionnaires as well.

Speaker

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, that's it. And and um yeah, so it is a thorough process. Um, and sometimes you'll have a child that doesn't meet thresholds. So I know this from when I when I manage um children's services in a um in in one of my roles, and that doesn't necessarily, it's really disheartening for parents. Sometimes that might be you haven't collected evidence correctly, sometimes that might be because you've misinterpreted some of those questions, you know, like for AC might be do they have any repet repetitive things, you know, and looking back now, my son tracks things, yeah. So he tracks races, he tracks um car races, he tracks energy uses, and that is that is something repetitive lining up, you know, but it's just not in the way that you would normally think about it. So you know, you have to think about those criteria, think about those questions, and really try and look at it through a different lens and actually speak to other parents, listen to podcasts like yours to um hear about other parents' viewpoints on how those symptoms um uh how those uh traits may present. I think that's really important. And I think even if you don't get a diagnosis and you're still seeing seeing some of those traits and you you're getting concerned, there is nothing to stop you from exploring, getting a trying again, you know, and some NHS trusts have a have a window of time that you can't try again. So again, find out and then it's collecting that data during that period of time.

Pros And Cons Of CAMHS

Dr Olivia

And and as you say, reaching out. I mean, I've known people who have, you know, not been diagnosed because as autistic because they can look you in the eye, which is a very outdated view, right? Um, and it's not true, but it does happen with some clinicians, you know, and it it, you know, it's not necessarily an actual, you know, a lot of autistic people can look you straight in the eye and have a conversation. A lot can't, but a lot can. So um, it's getting your knowledge of what you think is going on and you know, listening to podcasts as you said, talking to other parents, and then documenting stuff that's going on in your life before you go back.

Speaker

Yeah, completely, absolutely. It's better to be prepared and have everything there than feel like, oh goodness, I you know, fumbling when you're in that appointment because it's emotional and it's hard. And I would say people that do go on that diagnostic journey and and get a diagnosis as well. I think even if you're expect expecting a diagnosis, that can still be really hard for them as well, because there's this there's this grief, isn't there? And I don't know if you experience that, Olivia, but there's this grief of what what you thought life was going to be like and what things might be like, and and it's that processing time that you need. And and I think one of the drawbacks of the kind of diagnostic process is sometimes you're just that's it, here's your diagnosis, here's some leaflets, and off you go for the door, and you can feel a bit like oh okay, you know. Um, so I think I like when whenever I come across anybody that's going through that process, I always warn them that they will feel it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel upset. That's something you don't accept your child for the way they are. That's a normal feeling, but also be prepared that this diagnosis level isn't always a shiny badge and doesn't come with loads of extra support and things like that. You know, it it sometimes it's just here you go and that's it.

Dr Olivia

It's kind of like getting the EHCP. You think, okay, I've won it. Now, you know, life is gonna be good. No, it's it's still an ongoing process. That's that's you know, it's uh yeah, it it it's it, I know it sounds really cheesy to say it's a journey, but it is you you kind of are left there with this diagnosis, and you're almost like a deer in headlights, you know? Even as a doctor, even as someone who works in the system, it's when it happens to you, it's you know, we all act the same.

Speaker

Yeah, completely. Yes, yeah.

Dr Olivia

So in terms of the this first pathway, the NHS CAMS pathway, what kind of you know, what's good about it, what's bad about it?

Speaker

Uh I think the most obvious uh bad thing would be you've got huge waiting lists. Yeah, massive waiting lists. Um and it is a postcode lottery, so it's not the same in every area. Um and I think that can be tricky. I think what's good is once you get into the system, actually the clinicians do really care about the patients, you know. I mean, having got Through diagnostic journeys myself, having worked with various clinical teams, having managed services myself, they do care a lot of them, and they do want what's best for the child. So I think that's that's important. I don't think you can be in that kind of profession if if you don't care.

Dr Olivia

It's a calling, really. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker

Yeah, that's it. I think obviously it's free. We save some money, which is good. The clinicians should be reputable and recognizable, and it should be um should I say should follow nice guidelines. I would still always do your due diligence and check that they are following um protocol, but yeah, they should be should be nice compliant. And I think particularly if you're thinking about um an ADHD diagnosis, you're thinking about medication, then you haven't got that barrier of thinking, hmm, the cost of medication, is my GP going to do shared care. You you don't have to think about that, it's kind of managed and sorted, you don't have to worry from a financial perspective. Um, yeah, I think obviously other limitations, as I've mentioned, would be there's no standardised screening. Um I think it's also difficult because a lot of people doing the referrals don't always know the right process. So, as I mentioned, this GP from one of my friends who um eventually four or five months later said, uh, oh actually I can't refer, it's the same code, you know, and we've wasted time. So I think that can be a barrier, but I think parents can mitigate that by doing their own research, and as with a lot of these things, um, you can't choose who your child sees on the NHS. So you haven't got that, oh, I'm gonna pick that clinician because I've heard they're good at X, Y, Z. And I think you haven't got that ability to add extra tests in. So, for example, if your child has got sensory issues and you think they might benefit from occupational therapy input, that might not be part of their NHS diagnostic journey, or if you're thinking it would be really good to have an assessment of their executive function, then that might not be part of their the standardized NHS package. So you're not going to get those sorts of things on the NHS. Um, and as I said, the pre- and post-diagnostic support varies in the NHS as well massively. So I would I would say those are the main things.

Right To Choose Explained

Dr Olivia

Yeah, and I think I think, you know, of all of those things, the real killer is the the wait times because it can, you know, I've had a uh a friend of ours who's been on the, you know, was on the waiting list for four years before, you know, deciding to go a different way. And that's a long time in a child's life. It's that's that's the problem. That's why, to our earlier point, trying to put structures in place as, you know, as early as possible, but it's it it can become completely unmanageable to just be on that waiting list for so long. So that's kind of where the impetus of the right to choose kind of pathway came was because of these overloaded waiting lists. Can you tell us a little bit about what is the right to choose? It sounds fabulous, doesn't it? The right to choose. It's a good slogan.

Speaker

So, right to choose is just in England. So I'll just stress that. Um, it's just in England, and basically it lets patients um in England select an NHS contracted provider outside of their local area to it's usually a private provider. Yeah, yeah, quite often private, and it's to cut waiting time. So where you might have that postcode lottery and different waiting times, you can go to a right-to-choose provider and perhaps have a slightly shorter wait.

Dr Olivia

Um it was much shorter in the beginning, it's now getting smaller, yeah, yeah. But we'll talk about that in a bit. Yeah. So you get to choose a provider.

Speaker

Yes. Now obviously that's dependent on the GP agreeing that so the process would be seeing your GP, um, and then you'd need to have a discussion with them about what you're seeing, whether it's ASD, ADHD, or both, um, and tell them you want to go through right to choose essentially. And the GP could say, I don't think your child is showing enough ASD traits or ADHD traits, and they could refuse on that grounds, and they're allowed to. Um, they may not be aware of right to choose. So again, I I always say to parents, go on, you know, and I think ADHD UK that their website is brilliant because it's got so much on the right to choose, and all the different um uh you know providers within that area, the waiting times, um, whether or not they do medication or not, all of that's in there. And then I would still do your due diligence and actually look into each provider depending on what you're looking for. Um, so yeah, that that's a little bit about right to choose.

Dr Olivia

And I will put that link in the show notes as well. And you bring up a really key point there is it might not include medication. So um, and that's a big one with ADHD because I have known of people who have gotten the diagnosis and then they might not have medication for a year or longer, and that presents its own problems. So let's let's unpick this right to choose. It sounds like a great idea. You've you know you you you've been on a waiting list for so long. Now you can get off that waiting list and maybe get your child seen earlier. But so that's obviously a benefit. Um whether it's happening now, and I think it is slowing down a bit. I'm not quite sure. I think it's the volume again, and um let's talk a little bit about the positives and the minuses of it.

Medication, Shared Care, And Pitfalls

Speaker

So obviously, the the the premise is you can have shorter waiting time, but as you've alluded to, that might not necessarily be the case. So I think, yeah, absolutely look and do your due diligence as to what the waiting times are, and I would actually contact the provider and speak to them so you can get an accurate idea of what the wait is. Um, it's still NHS funded, so obviously you save some money, which is good. Um, I think barriers are that not all providers are accessible, some GPs aren't aware of right to choose, so you might still have a little bit of a battle. And again, shared care. Some uh GPs won't do shared care with right to choose providers, some providers don't do medication, so I think you really have to go in thinking about what it is you want from the diagnosis, and do you want to go down any treatment pathway beforehand? And I think even going so far as having a discussion with the GP about if we do this, are you going to do shared care? Are you you know, because I think from a financial perspective, you don't want to suddenly have a diagnosis and go, Great, we can now have medication, and then the GP goes, well, but we're not gonna fund, we're not gonna do that because and you know, and I certainly know the GP in my local area will not do shared care with right to choose providers because they feel that it allows patients to um it causes inequality and it's allowing patients to kind of jump through hoops, but also there's this concern from GPs that we've got different providers that perhaps aren't standardized and there's no control um over.

Dr Olivia

No one can see me shaking my head here, but I mean these are providers selected by the NHS, funded by the NHS, and hopefully have gone through a good governance process to be assigned those roles. So, you know, uh and uh I have to say, you know, shared care, you still have to go to the original provider for the six-month medical reviews. The only thing the shared care is they repeat the the prescription. They it's not, I mean, I know that takes work, but I'm come on, you know, it's not that much work. And I'm I'm coming from the the the mother perspective here in me, um, and also the doctor perspective, because most of most of the work is off boarded. But I have one of my moms actually in my ADHD warrior community who's waiting for medication from a private provider, and they're just sitting on the script and they've told her, like, I don't know when it's gonna uh when we're gonna send it. You just have to wait, and blah, blah, blah. And I said, you know what? That's not okay. And that's not following clinical governance procedures, and you need to complain, not to the receptionist, but to someone who can actually follow up on this. So, to your point, you need to call the providers and ask all these questions first, because continuity of medication is really important. And your child's need for different types of medications can happen, different dosage. You need to have someone that you can actually have those conversations with. And even with shared care, that is not something the GP is going to talk to you about. It's the person who prescribes it. So these are all the pitfalls that you sometimes don't realize until you're in it.

Speaker

Um completely. And for and for those parents that don't want to go down the medication route and and they're thinking about ADHD, do you want your child to have other clinical input, you know, um sort of um wider therapies to support them rather than medication? And obviously, then in that case, you need to look at those right-to-choose providers to see if that's something they they offer, and if not, would you be willing to go privately for that arm, you know? Um yeah, so I think I think it is a barrier, and I think sometimes it's best to um to yeah, to be to be prepared really for those sorts of instances so that you're not uh suddenly stuck with a bill. Yeah, or just you know medication, you know, which yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr Olivia

And it it's you know, it knowledge is power, that's why I started this podcast. So it's you know, really thinking about all those questions, writing them down, and then really interviewing and you know, figuring out where they stand on these things. And it's so important because unfortunately, you do have to take those kind of things into your your hand.

Speaker

Um completely, yeah.

Dr Olivia

It's not impossible.

Private Route: Due Diligence And Add‑Ons

Speaker

No, no, and again, the diagnostic process should be the same through right to choose, they should be following nice guidelines. But again, as a parent, I would always do my due diligence and check. Um, but one of the things that can vary depending on where that provider is, they might provide the assessment online, so some of it might be online, it might be face to face. So I would think about also how what's best for your child and for you. Is it better? Do you feel like the the sort of difficulties or needs or presentation is going to be easier for the diagnostic team to see face to face, or is that actually going to be really challenging for your child? They're not going to be able to come out of the house and attend that appointment, and actually, then something virtual would be far better than in that case. So I would keep that at the back of your mind as well when you're thinking about different providers. Um, so yeah, so when my family member went through right to choose, they they did exactly that. They went, they had to think about where they were going to be. Um, they're they're an adult, but they were thinking about you know what would work best, um, who they wanted, what the wait time was. They were thinking about medication, so they made sure that that provider um could supply medication, they checked with their G with the GP as well, that they could do shared care. Um, they'd printed off all the stuff ready to to kind of hand over. I have a I have a feeling you were helping them there. Am I right? Yeah, absolutely. So you're almost foon feeding the GP, make it easy for them in in some senses, so that they can't say no, you know. Um, I think, yeah, do as much of the groundwork you can. Yeah.

Dr Olivia

Yeah. Yeah. Null knowledge is power and due diligence is also good. And I know, you know, we tend to trust, you know, and I I've I have found this with both people in education and also people in the medical field, you know, we tend to just trust them. We have this like white coat kind of, you know, obedience. And so you have to push against that, even as a professional. I have to push against it because, you know, you know your child breast, you have to be the advocate for them. And uh, you know, that that is a kind of shifting of gears there that has to occur. But it's so important. And if you do your research and you come at it from an empathetic place where you're trying to do what's best for your child, not an angry place, any clinician is going to respond well to that in general.

Speaker

Yeah, I would agree. Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Dr Olivia

So now for our final pathway, which I think you and I both went down ourselves, our children. When when when yeah, I think uh for my case it was before right to choose, and I think yours as well. Was it before right to choose? Yeah. So we we had an option of a very long waiting list or going privately.

Speaker

Yeah. So obviously, private, you have control over what clinician you choose, and um you can you can almost self-refer, you can you can ring up and put your hook your child in. Um and yes, you you can do someone near you, someone further away, you can look at whether it's a virtual assessment you want or a face-to-face assessment. Um again, what I would say to parents is make sure whichever private provider you choose is going to follow nice criteria because the last thing you want is to pay lots of money for a provider who gives you a report and that report isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Dr Olivia

And it's not uncommon, you know. And I have heard cases where they haven't even looked at the child, talked to the child, they haven't done any questionnaires in the school, and they've made diagnoses. And that's, you know, that is just um, you know, there's a special there's a special place for them, uh, those people, clinicians that do that. But it's it's really you, I think that's the biggest thing that you really need to be careful with due diligence. I'm yes, you have to do it with the right-to-choose pathway, but when you're going privately, talk to other parents, get some, you know, get some people who've gone through the process maybe with that clinician who knows what it's like. Already you've you're gonna have taken the advice that you've given, which is making that spreadsheet. So you're gonna know, you're gonna know which questionnaires, you're gonna know what the DMSM says. You are gonna be clued into that and you're gonna make sure that they are the right kind of clinicians. And again, it's important to check is this someone who can prescribe or is it not? Because that can also stump you with a private um diagnosis as well.

Speaker

Yes, and and also if you're thinking about comorbidity, so if you're thinking about do they have learning difficulties, are there sensory issues?

Dr Olivia

So I think you are they OCD, OCD.

Speaker

So I think yeah, you need to factor that into account to think about what it is you want from the diagnosis and what support or intervention you're looking for, whether it's for yourself, for the child, for school, or what it is you're looking for. I think that's that's key, really. So yeah, in my son's case, we went private and we picked a provider, even though we suspected ASD and ADHD, we picked a provider that didn't do medication, actually. And that was largely because we saw PDA traits. So we really wanted to have a clinician that which is pathological demand avoidance.

Dr Olivia

So I'm just I most people know what it is, but just in case.

Speaker

Um, so we really wanted to make sure we had a provider that could recognise that. Um, so we had to go, we we had to go off on a different journey for medication, which uh had its own yeah, jumps and hoops to go through. But we we were aware of that and we'd planned for that because we felt there weren't as many um teams that would diagnose uh ASD with PDA or extreme demand avoidance as some people like to call it. Um yeah, so that that was our thought thought process. But yeah, you know.

Costs, Titration, And Long‑Term Planning

Dr Olivia

And and that clearly, like it's you know, know what your it's it's kind of difficult because you have to know what your end goal is. And some parents, you know, your your your head might be in the ground, your partner's head might be in the ground under the sand, and you might not even know what where that is going. And you know, so that's it's not unusual for you to be able to talk to some of those clinicians before you go down, you know, if you've been recommended a place and discuss your child with them, and then they can also you know think about it. And a lot of parents will have gone through, especially with school, going through maybe a private educational psychologist um report, which can be also very helpful in terms of pointing you in the direction if you just feel completely like, I don't know. You know, um, whereas it sounds like you and your husband were really clued in on what you needed and where you wanted to go, which is great.

Speaker

Yeah, and and you know, I I was a bit OCD about it and actually even created a spreadsheet for me.

Dr Olivia

No, not you.

Speaker

No, I know all the nice criteria. So if every private clinician we ran, I could check what tests they were doing that that would fit that diagnostic. You know what? I'm wondering, do you still have those spreadsheets? Possibly somewhere, yeah.

Dr Olivia

If you could find them, because if you could find them, what I could do is actually include those in the show notes. But um we'll we'll we'll we'll see. We won't hold you to it, but if you do find them, I think that would be really a super tool for people. Um, because although it does sound, you know, you you know, you joke that it's over the top, but I don't think it is. I think it is really important and it and it helps us because you know, a lot of us are neurodiverse too, who are looking after these kids, and it really helps with that executive functioning to get it off and be able to just see it in black and white. It makes it less confusing.

Speaker

Yeah. And and yeah, and our we were lucky again with with the diagnostic team that we chose, because we suspected ADHD, um, they did an executive function assessment as well. So that's that's the I guess the positive of going private. You can tailor as much and have additional things. So we had um a brief questionnaire that helped look at those executive function traits, uh, what what his strengths were, what his weaknesses were, we had OT input, we had, you know, various different other we had uh a cognitive assessment because again, if you're thinking about long term, if your child might need a special setting, thinking about well, are they cognitively able or not might govern where they might end up. So we we were really trying to be forward thinking and prepared as much as possible. So yeah, and and they're hard things to think about, I appreciate, and you might feel overwhelmed, but I think I think it's important so that you're not having to pay out again multiple times or think, ah, I wish I'd done X, Y, and Z because that would have been been really helpful. And I think it all comes back to knowing why you want a diagnosis, really. What what what is driving you to get a diagnosis? I think that's that's the key thing. Um, yeah, what are you going to use it for? And where do you expect your child's journey to to be? Yeah.

Dr Olivia

Yeah, and it's great now that they do ASD and ADHD because they didn't when I was getting Alexandra's either. But luckily, the psychiatrist that I went through, she specialized in girls and and autism. And she's like, you know what, we need we need to rule this out as well. And she did a really thorough, as you say, you know, I was like, what? I hadn't even thought about that, you know. And she's like, no, we need to pick this through. And so I was like really, you know, really pleased with how they handled and how they they helped me. And, you know, I still value them. Um, but you know, it's expensive. And one thing I didn't even consider is again, I just had my blinders on diagnosis, you know, and they can prescribe. I didn't think about how much the prescription is gonna cost.

Speaker

Yeah.

Dr Olivia

And I didn't think about six-month reviews and how much that's gonna cost. Yeah, you know, it's 450 pounds for a consultation at 20 minutes, you know, every six months, which is a lot. Um, anyway, so I'm I'm now sharing, you know, the kind of the barriers there or things that you need to think about beyond just where you want to get to, you've also got to think about the long-term kind of once you're on that private route, you're on the private routes and ching, ching, ching, you know?

Speaker

Yeah, and and making sure that you've yeah, you've you've planned out, you've got the finances there. And I would say, you know, if if you're worried that financially you're not going to be able to to kind of maintain that long term, think about whether your child still goes on an NHS waiting list. Um, and I and I say this, you can't circumnavigate. So what what you're not allowed to, what providers can't allow you to do is jump the waiting list. So you will still have a wait, but at least you can start the prescribing process privately, and then once your child is at the top of the NHS waiting list, they can transfer across. So you're not you're not jumping, you're not cutting across anybody else, um, but at least you can then um factor that in, and it might be two years, four years, five years, you know, and I I think again you have to think about that and plan for that. Um, yeah, you know, um, in terms of other barriers aside from cost, obviously, as I've said, GPs might not do shared care. So then you're not only, if you're thinking about medication, you're not only then having to pay for those six monthly consults, you're then having to pay for the script each month, but also pay the um consultant for the for the uh paperwork for doing that script. So it starts to to really build up then in that case. So yeah, I think plan and prepare and have those.

Dr Olivia

And every time you even if you are lucky enough, and I am lucky enough to have a shared care agreement, every time you change a medication, then they don't want to do the shared care agreement. They want to make sure that they're stabilized with your private clinician, and then you need to have another appointment, another 450 pounds, to um get them to agree, and it has to be out. After they've been on it a certain period of time, you're gonna be paying for the drug during that period of time. And then they can they they can go back, which is uh, you know, from a medical care perspective, it does make you hesitate when you know that your child needs maybe a different dose, maybe a different type of drug, which is not good because that's not what's what's needed for your child. So you might then start to put financial reasons in terms of you know barriers for you seeking to get a different, let's say they're switching from a stimulant to a non-stimulant or or um whatever it is that's going on, it might prevent you from going and having those conversations. And I don't want people to do that. You really have to have those conversations, and so um you really have to think financially and you need to plan financially for it. And I think that that's not completely clear when you're in the you just want to find out what's going on with your child and you want to get a diagnosis. You have to, you really have to be forward thinking.

Why Diagnosis And Treatment Change Lives

Speaker

Yes, and I think again, so coming back to barriers, you will, if you're choosing medication, you have to go through a titration process. So that's where they find the right, the initial right medication and the right dose, and that can generally take anywhere between three and nine appointments, you know, depending on your child and how they react to that medication. Um, so if you think seeing seeing someone every time for that, that yeah, you know, but but you have to factor that in, you know.

Dr Olivia

Um yeah and knowing that is it it's really important because it it, you know, then you can be prepared for it, you know. And it's uh it's you know, as we've discussed with each of these, there there's no perfect solution really, um, unfortunately.

Speaker

Yeah, completely. Yeah. So yeah, you know, that yeah, we went private, but I think there's, as you've said, pros and cons of each one, really. Um, and it depends on what you want from a diagnosis um and what journey your child's on, really, I think.

Dr Olivia

Absolutely. Um, I think we've covered the three pathways pretty well. Um, I'd like to take a little bit of time to talk about, like, you know, what is kind of the life-changing impact of getting that diagnosis and treatment and how has it been for you? I know for me it's been really life-changing, you know, and um I often question myself, you know, you you you've brought up a lot of times like whether you choose to go down the medication route. And I'm gonna be a little bit inflammatory here, and of course I am a doctor, um, but you know, we don't choose the pathway of whether we give our child an asthma inhaler. Um we don't, we, that we don't get those kind of decisions. We would actually be really held up if we didn't give them that opportunity. Um, if we had an insulin-dependent diabetic child who needed insulin injections, that we wouldn't choose to give them medication. Um, and so, you know, I do have and encourage parents to really think about why there are those barriers in terms of getting treatment and why um they they feel it. And I understand it because it's in the brain and we can't see it. And so therefore, you know, and it's it's not as clear. But when you do the research and you look at kind of the long-term impacts of not treating children and not getting that wraparound sport, I'm not saying medication is the only answer, it's one of the holistic care that you need. And it's a message I really want to get out to parents. You know, you can decrease that life expectancy of your child by 11 years up to 21 years, depending on how severe their symptoms are, and if you account for like suicides and and you know, deaths due to accidents. So that's kind of where that range comes from. But even 11 years at the lower end of the spectrum, that's more than like heart disease, cancer, all of the top five killers combined, it's more than that. So is it just a nice to have and a right to choose using our pathway thing? I think that there needs to be some education there, and I think we need to start calling it out more. Um, that's my personal opinion, and you know, um, I'm allowed to have that, as are others allowed to have different opinions. But I'd love to hear your point on it.

Medication Myths, Trials, And Stigma

Speaker

So coming back to diagnosis. So for my for my son, we wanted a diagnosis because he was telling us I'm different. Why am I different to other children? Why can they control their emotions, not lash out? Why do I react like this compared to other children? So he felt he was different, and I really felt it was important for him to understand he's not being difficult, he's not a bad child, his brain is different, and that's okay. You know, just like you, some people have black hair, some people have blonde hair, that's fine. And he just needs the right environment and the right supports to allow him to thrive and be the best version of him. So there was that. Um, we were seeing escalating behaviors at school. So, whereas previously we'd been masking, we had more unmasking, and the wheels were really falling off. We were getting, you know, violent episodes at home, and it was at the point where I felt we we were thinking about actually if we get a diagnosis, we probably would go down the medical route because it was affecting his quality of life and our quality of life. Um, so yeah, those were our driving factors for getting a diagnosis, and obviously, since diagnosis, we're sort of three, four years on now from that, so we've come quite away. It's helped my son understand that he's not a bad child, um, see himself in a more positive light, um, helped school, our school were brilliant, but also helped them understand his unique set of needs, um, as opposed to just because I think autism, ADHD, how that presents can vary massively. So I think understanding how that presents in your particular child and how to support that is really important, and I think accessing um therapies, clinical psychology input counselling, but also medic, we did go down the medication route. Um, and again, that's been life-changing for us. We had my son's ADHD medication review just last week, and we did a trial without medication and with medication, and um, I remember when we initially started medication, one of the things I noticed immediately was he was suddenly quieter. So instead of having this verbal dialogue constantly, which actually was quite difficult in our households because it's likely my husband's neurodivergent as well, and that was really difficult for him having this constant noise. So that was that was something we noticed initially. He was just quieter, he was he was able to focus more on tasks, task initiates to start things of his own accord, actually start and go and play by himself for a little bit, which he could never do. Um, and I remember coming home from school with him, and he'd he'd done football and he took his shoes off and started shaking them outside, and he'd never done that before.

Dr Olivia

Oh, I I hear you. I you almost I I bet you cried. I always cried, yeah. No, no, I I I I you know and I've got goosebumps. Do you know what I mean? And that's why, you know, like because he couldn't do it before. Do you know what I mean? And oh yeah, proud mommy moments.

Speaker

Yeah, you know, and still having tested with and without medication now, you know, we can still see a difference and a benefit to him being on medication. You know, but the day he was off medication, we struggled, you know, trying to get through various meltdowns, the amount of noise, the amount of um, you know.

Dr Olivia

I don't know about homework with you, but like I because with Ali Sanders you'd take it in the morning and then you know, sometimes on the weekends, you know, lazy mornings, whatever, and we we would, you know, we we'd forget and then we'd sit down to do homework, which has become an actual pleasure, I have to say, from my PTSD before diagnosis and medication. And it would be like Groundhog Day, and I was like, oh my god, we didn't take your medication. Yeah, that's why it's it's so difficult. And also, you know, one of the things that I've found with medication, like the knocking off with the shoes, is that it allows them to learn how to do things like getting ready in the morning, and then eventually that becomes a behavior, and it becomes, they don't need their executive functioning. So actually, where we used to have to give the medication really early in the morning so that she could get ready for school, now she knows how to. It's a behavior she doesn't need the medication to be able to do it. So it it's not, they learn. Um, and there are studies actually with kids that have been on medication that the areas in the brain which are less developed become more developed, and that they can actually sometimes go off medication because they no longer have that neurodevelopmental delay. Now, that's not everyone, but there is a small percentage. And so it's just, I think it's nice to share these stories because it takes away some of that stigma and the negativity that's out there in social media and in the press.

Speaker

Yeah, yeah. And I again would stress that, you know, again, having worked with various clinicians and manage services, I would say clinicians don't just hand out ADHD medication. They they don't want to, so they will only suggest it if they really think your child needs it and and their quality of life and then uh is being affected and they're not able to reach their potential, you know. And I think there's nothing stopping you, as we said, to do a trial without afterwards or to give weekend breaks or school holiday breaks if you want to do that. And I'm not saying people have to go down the medication route that because yes, you know because I've already said that, yeah, you know, and I think studies have shown the best would be actually having a dual approach. So going on medication and doing the other work as well.

Dr Olivia

So you have to put the support in place as well. Absolutely. You know, it's not a medication. I have found is never there's never just one magic pill, you know. Um, you have to have holistic care. And unfortunately, medicine isn't designed that way, but you know, sleep, nutrition, supports at home and at school are so important to build that full picture, you know, of of how to go through it. And another thing I'd really like to say to people who do trial medication is that the first two weeks can be difficult. Yeah, and they don't sometimes tell you that, and it can get worse before it gets better. And I know I felt like quitting, and I'm like, no, you know, choose the right time. So choose a holiday. We chose over summer, and she's changed from a stimulant to an unstimulant. We chose summer again, and we took that time, and it was difficult in both cases. It was an adjustment. And we just I just said, you know what, we're doing this for six weeks, and then we'll see. And you know what? I think that's you've got to give yourself that amount of time to be able to fully see if it works or doesn't work.

Speaker

Completely. And I think don't be afraid if it's not worked with the first drug to look at other drugs or other brands. In my son's case, um, we did a stimulant, but we found that certain brands of the same stimulant had more of a knock-on effect once the drugs wore off, whereas other brands he actually was better with. So, you know, there's that that there's that sort of discrepancy to factor in as well. Um, yeah, and obviously, if your child can't go on medication for whatever reason, you've you can't find something that suits them, or um the kind of knock-on effect is too much, then that's fine. You know, that I don't want parents out there who've who've really tried and explored all those medical avenues and and they just can't go on medication for whatever reason to feel as if that's it. Well, we can't do anything else. Remember, there are other things, other therapies um out there to support your child and you. So yeah, don't feel disheartened if you can't go down that avenue as well.

When Meds Don’t Fit: Other Supports

Dr Olivia

Yeah, I think that's a really good point. And you know, the for five percent of people for children, it doesn't work. But if the 5% is quite small, but that's still quite large if you're sitting in that 5%. And there are so many tools and techniques and strategies that you can use to help your child. It's you know, it's good, and also just understanding where they're at neurodevelopmentally is such a huge thing because they will slowly catch up. Your trajectory is gonna be longer, but if you can put the right things in place, understand what their executive function kind of age is, and then give them the right kind of challenges. And there's so much information out there on that that there, you know, there's so much hope, I think. And you know, and also, you know, it's never gonna, it's not smooth sailing, you know what I mean? Even with medication and all the supports and everything, that's another thing.

Speaker

There it's gonna be stressing this week whether medication would arrive on time and thinking about it supply issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr Olivia

Yeah. I mean, I've I've I've thrown myself at the pharmacist like you know, called every farm. So, you know, the and and and that's just you know, medical supplies, our children too, you know, there will be times where, you know, it's it's gonna be difficult. But, you know, we are strong as neurodiverse parents. And as we've indicated in this podcast today, you know, there is so much that we learn as parents, you know, become expert on medicine medical pathways, diagnostic criteria, you know, it's you know, we're growing and learning, and that's a gift. Although it can seem hard, it is a gift because we're seeing our children as they are and we're helping them to, as you say, shine, um, which is wonderful. So I thank you so much for our conversation today. I would like to end with though, what three top tips can you give our listeners? And I know we've had so many today, um, but your three top reams, what would they be?

Speaker

I think the I think the first thing would be to think about if you're suspecting ASD or ADHD or seeing signs of any other comorbidities, um what it is you want from a diagnosis in the short and long term, and whether time is a factor as well. So I I would really think carefully about that. And I think regardless of which pathway you go down, whether it's the NHS right to choose or private, do your research, so look at the waiting times, you know, look at the nice criteria, look at the DSM, um find out how your service is commissioned, do all of that work beforehand so you can make an informed decision, really. Um, and I think lastly, I would say that the diagnosis isn't always a magic key. So, you know, I won't say don't be surprised, but that sounds really um yeah, negative. But yeah, you know, a diagnosis can make a massive difference, you know, in our children's lives and accessing the right support, but you won't suddenly wake up, have that diagnosis, and think things have changed. There won't. It's they're still the same child. They're still the same child. Yeah, and you're still on that journey to getting them the right support. It's just you've got another thing in your tool belt to help, you know, um guide clinicians, guide yourself as to uh guide education as to what your child's unique presentation is.

Dr Olivia

Yeah, and I I love your story of your son and how he felt different, and now he understands it, and that's really helped with that kind of self-acceptance and also his mental well-being and health, you know.

Speaker

Completely, and advocacy in the long term, because if he understands himself and his needs, he can then ask for the appropriate accommodations, you know. I think that's really important to empower our kids in being able to go, well, actually, I can't work in this, it's too noisy for me. Or no, I need a break, you know, because otherwise I struggle later on in the day. Teaching them, you know, giving them the confidence and the skills and believing that they're saying that because they're struggling, they can't, not that they won't, you know, I think is vital. Yeah.

Dr Olivia

Well, thank you so much. It's been so informative and so lovely to speak to you. Thank you. Excellent. So there we go. Um it's still recording because we can't stop as we'll just end it versus the other one where we could stop, but I will cut the end off here. But thank you, that was brilliant. Yeah, yeah. Very happy. Are you happy?

Education Settings, EHCPs, And Advocacy

Speaker

Yes, I think. Yeah, I tried not, I had my nose. You were brilliant. I tried not to speak off them too much and just no, you were perfect, and even when you were, you couldn't really tell.

Dr Olivia

So you did it really well. You're you're a a professional.

Speaker

Good. And so is your is your son going into a part-time timetable and you're gonna Yeah, so from after half term, we're going into a part-time timetable. My work had been brilliant and just said you can carry on with the hours you've got, but we'll just factor in more admin at home um for you in the meantime, and we'll just see how it goes. You know, if we see if he ends up on a part-time timetable longer term, we might need to rethink things, but yeah, you know, so that's brilliant.

Dr Olivia

Giving you some breathing room.

Speaker

Yeah, that's it. And it's just really we're waiting to hear back from panel next week regarding placement. So I think it's gonna be I I've looked at REHCP where they've updated it, and I can see that they're sort of put gonna push us towards um a resource which I don't think will be right for him, really. Um, with his PDA presentation and the amount of anxiety. And I I've got the added bonus of because I go into schools, I see what those environments are like, and I know he just would not cope in that kind of environment, you know. So I think we're gonna have a battle ahead. Um yeah.

Dr Olivia

But it's good that you have that knowledge. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Dr Olivia

You know, because you're not putting him through the system to figure that out, you know.

Speaker

No, I don't yeah. But one thing I'm really adamant about is I'm not going to, you know, I I think as a parent, you can end up in this situation where you're forcing your child to go in or you're trying different schools and the amount of trauma that builds up from not having their needs met, you know, I I'm not doing that to him. He's we'd have to get it right. No.

Dr Olivia

Yeah, no, and I do hear those sad stories because it's almost like the the they're the the messages they need to go in and fail and be traumatized for you to be able to move to the next level. Yeah, but actually not right.

Speaker

No, and you end up spending far more because you then have a child who does not trust the system and perhaps can't even access education and ends up, particularly with the PDA type kids, end up on an Eatus type package because they just can't, you know, and I think you're failing them. Um yeah, so yeah, we we will fight if it comes to it. Yeah.

Dr Olivia

Sounds like your son, your son was born to the right mommy, it sounds like.

Speaker

Yeah, it sounds like your daughter's in a good place though at the moment. Oh my god, she cooked me on Sunday.

Dr Olivia

Listen, let me just tell you about my Sunday, last Sunday. She showered. Okay, we had a nightmare over Christmas, but I cut her hair shorter, which was the main like problem with the tangles. But anyway, so she showered by herself, on me not saying anything. I was working actually, she went and showered by herself. Then she cooked me lunch by herself. She didn't want anything from me. She made Shepherd's pie, she'd learned how to make it at school, she had the recipe on her teams, all of that executive functioning skills. She did it all herself. And then that day, she did her homework by herself. I mean, literally, I just sat there going, Oh, this is the best day ever. You know, Monday night, all the wheels went off. But you know what? I could you know what I mean? It's so lovely to see how they can progress and where they can get to. And you know, where I used to fear her being independent, whatever, I don't fear that anymore. She's gonna get there, you know, and it's it's it's just beautiful, you know, just like that that that mud coming off the shoes. It's just beautiful to see how they can, you know, how they can flourish.

Speaker

Drive, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well that's lovely to hear. And I think, yeah, gives gives hope. Yeah, get getting that right setting, that right environment is is so key, isn't it?

Dr Olivia

Yeah, it really is.

Speaker

Excellent. Well, thank you. It's a lovely channel. I'll I'll um try and send you if I've got the spreadsheet.

Dr Olivia

You've got the sets because that would be, I think, so helpful for parents. Obviously, take out all of your information that you've put in there. I know you wouldn't, but just in case. Um otherwise I will.

Speaker

Um and you've probably got the links for the ADHD.

Dr Olivia

Yeah, I've got that.

Speaker

If parents want to look at them. Um, if there's any other links that I can think about, I'll tell you over the weekend too. Yeah, it's good to be seeing you.

Dr Olivia

Nice to see you too. Take care, have a lovely weekend.

Closing Thoughts And Resources

Speaker 1

Bye.

Three Practical Takeaways For Parents

Dr Olivia

Thank you so much for listening, Sam Parenting Tribe. And a huge thank you to Reems for sharing her knowledge and lived and experience so openly. If this episode helped to clarify things for you, please consider sharing it with another parent who might be feeling stuck or unsure of their next step. As always, you'll find helpful links and resources in the show notes. Next week's episode is a powerful one. It's called Shut the Fluff Up. And we're diving into how we, as parents, respond when our children are unregulated. What helps, what escalates, and how changing our own response can change everything. I can't wait to share it with you. Allison Solomon is fantastic and she is one to listen to. So take care and remember, you're not failing, you're navigating a very complex thing, parenting a neurodiverse child.