EP 158: Shut the Fluff Up: The Parenting Shift That Transforms Behaviour

In this powerful and honest conversation, Dr Olivia Kessel is joined by parenting coach Alison Solomon to explore one uncomfortable truth: what if the biggest shift in our child’s behaviour has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us?

Alison shares the moment she calls the “arrow through the heart,” when she realised her child was not the problem, her reaction was. From that moment, everything changed.

In this episode, we explore:

• What actually happens in the brain when a child is dysregulated
 • Why adding logic to an emotional brain makes things worse
 • The power of silence and when to stop talking
 • How to create emotional safety at home
 • Why oppositional traits may be future strengths
 • The “golden apology” and how modelling accountability builds resilience

This is not about blame. It is about empowerment.

Because when we regulate first, everything else begins to shift.

If you have ever found yourself talking more and getting nowhere, this episode will land.

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📩 Contact Me
If you would like to get in touch, you can email me directly at olivia.kessel@sendparenting.com

I would genuinely love to hear from you, especially about the topics you would like covered and the guests you would love to hear from in 2026.

Transcript

Rethinking Behaviour Starts With Us

Dr Olivia 0:05

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, Dr. Olivia Kessel. And more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, Alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. What if the biggest shift in your child's behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you? Today I'm joined by Alison Solomon, a parenting coach, speaker, and a powerful voice in the world of emotional regulation, who challenges us to look inwards first. She speaks about the arrow through the heart moment, when we realize our children are not the only problem, it's how our nervous system is reacting to them. In this episode, we're gonna explore what actually happens when we add logic to a dysregulated child, why silence can be more powerful than a lecture, and how the golden apology builds real accountability and connection. And how so-called oppositional traits may actually be your child's greatest strengths. If you have ever found yourself talking more and getting nowhere, and in fact making the situation worse, this conversation will land. I love what Alison says. Shut the fluff up. Words to live by. So welcome, Alison. It is such a pleasure to have you on the Send Parenting podcast today. I am really looking forward to discussing this topic because, you know, regulation for us as parents really changes everything. But I know for me, as an undiagnosed ADHD, regulation is probably the thing I struggle with the most. So then when you have a child who's unregulated that you need to regulate for, it's been a journey that's an ongoing journey for me. But it is, you know, it's a work in progress, but it really does start with you. And until you get it right, you you can't move forward. So I'm so excited that we're gonna not talk today about fixing our children. We're gonna talk about fixing us and how the work starts with us, not really fixing us, but you know, and how powerful that shift can be. And I love the phrase that you use, which is shut the fluff up. What do you actually mean? And why does this land so strongly?

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Yeah, so I'm just gonna back up a little bit um and I'm going to share with you how this all came about. So my youngest, my oldest child was diagnosed with ADHD, and I honestly was a deer in the headlights. I didn't understand this child, I didn't know. And the only tool that I had in my toolbox was yelling and punishing. How old were they when they got diagnosed? He was nine years old. So this is about six months into the diagnosis. And please understand that I've done all the research, I've read everything, and I really thought I knew what I was doing. And one awful day after me just yelling at this kid, he turned around and he said to me, Mommy, do you think I want to be this way? And I literally just fell to the ground because it was that moment where I realized the problem was not my child. The problem was me. The problem was the way in which I was reacting to my poor child who was drowning. And that set me off on a journey of stopping to try and fix my child, but actually asking, how do I need to change? How do I need to show up for this child so that I can be the best mother for him? So that's the background to where this comes from. And I think the problem in this journey is we are so desperate to help our kids. We see them drowning, and we think that all we need to do is fix and change them, and everything is going to be okay. And the more we get stuck in that parenting trap, the more we create disconnection between parent and child. And it's only when the parent realizes that the only person you can control and fix is you, and you take those steps in order to learn to self-regulate, which is extremely hard. That's when everything in the home changes. So that's the background to it. So shut the fluff up is the tool that I use to ground myself, to remind myself that this is not about me, that this is about my child. And in that moment, my child needs to borrow, not my calm, because I think this notion of calm is ridiculous, but to borrow my regulation. And yes, sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. Thank you, Muhammad Ali. But when you are able to shut the fluff up, when you are able to ground and just slow everything down, you're gonna help that child to regulate.

Grief For The Hollywood Script

Dr Olivia 5:15

Yeah, no, and you know, that's that's incredibly inspiring because it's so personalized, you know. And I think a lot of my listeners and myself can can be right there with you on that journey because a lot of us have experienced exactly that, you know, realizing that it's it we're making the problem worse. And it's, you know, but but it is kind of what you're taught as a parent of how, you know, all of the stuff that we come to parenting with, it doesn't work, you know. You will listen to me, you will do this, you know, and and you get upset. It's it doesn't work. So it's it's it's it's our children that actually teach us, I think, a different way of doing things, you know. Um, and I love the way that you say it's not, it wasn't your son's problem, it's uh your problem, you know? And you talk about like an arrow through a heart moment, and and and that's kind of what you describe there. What do you think parents, you know, how can they how can they look at this, not to blame themselves for it, but how can they look at what you're saying as an empowerment rather than a blame game? Beautiful question.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

So, first of all, I think that this is so exciting because you have the opportunity to really change the whole dynamic in your family. So I think this is the most empowering thing to know that I get to change things. I think the problem for parents is that as you said, no one teaches us how to regulate ourselves, no one teaches us how to clean up all the shit that we're carrying around that we are projectile vomiting onto our children. So we start with parents, right? It's true. We start this parenting journey. We have this, I always say we have this Hollywood vision of what parenting is going to be. And then when you have a neurodiverse child, it's like you keep on saying, hello, here's the script. Can you please follow it? And the actors and actresses are like, get away. I'm not doing this. This is who I am. And you keep on saying, but you need to follow the script and you need to follow the script. And between Hollywood and reality lives this thing of disappointment. And disappointment creates blame and shame. So I think the first thing we have to do is to recognize that that Hollywood dream is Hollywood, and we know that most things don't have happy endings in Hollywood either, and really come back into the reality. You have an amazing child that has ADHD. Your life is not gonna be easy breezy. You're gonna have to change, but so what? This is the this is the gift that you have been given. And if you had a child who had diabetes, you would know everything possible about insulin and how to support that child. And it's the same thing with ADHD. We have to understand our child, we have to understand their brain, and then we have to understand what is our parenting job to best support that child so that that child can soar. And we as parents are set up to fail. The minute you get that diagnosis, man, they give you a diagnosis, they give you a prescription and a list of books, and nobody tells you how to actually parent this child. So I don't want parents to feel guilty because you can feel guilt if you got the ADHD manual and you're not following it. But I don't know anyone in the world who's walked out of the doctor's office with a manual. So there's no guilt, there's no shame. There's just, you know what, what do I need to do now best to support my child? And quite frankly, I've never met a parent who isn't more motivated to help their child.

Grades, Futures, And Zooming Out

Dr Olivia 8:37

No, it's so true. And and one solution might work one time and not another time. So you really have to think on your feet and you're, you know, throw away the parenting handbook in your head and just move forward with the child that you have. And, you know, people listening to people like you and other moms who get it is a big help because you realize you're not alone and that you also, you know, there are others like you. And I think that kind of normalizes it for moms.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

And you know, I think you hit the nail on the head because I think the hardest part of this journey is that we go on Facebook and we go on Instagram, and you know, no one posts the shitty pictures. All we see is the Hollywood perfect, and we feel so alone and so isolated. And while in the year 2026, we want to say there is no stigma around ADHD, that is not true. We still feel the sick stigma, we are not allowed to grieve for having a child with ADHD. So we don't ever process our feelings, and we feel so alone and so isolated, and this creates that heaviness on us. And so, you know, I always say to parents that I coach, there's a grieving process here. You know, we think grief is only associated with death, but there's the grief of the Hollywood story you had playing out. Yeah, and we're gonna be able to sit there and process it. And that's not that you're saying, Oh, I don't love my child and I'm disappointed. No, you're just saying this was my vision. It isn't my vision. I'm a human being, I'm allowed to be upset, process it, sit through it, deal with it, and then I'm going to tell you once you've processed all of that, just grab a piece of paper, get all your emotions out. I then tell parents just burn that piece of paper, send it away, and now you're ready to take action and help your child. But there's so much of this journey that people are afraid to speak about. And that grief is real.

Dr Olivia 10:28

And it's so true. It's also, you know, some of the moms that I speak to as well. It's this, you know, your expectations of what your child might achieve. And, you know, they're not doing well at school, they're struggling. And, you know, oh my gosh, here in in the UK where I'm based, they have GCSEs and they have them really young, which is really, you know, 15, 16, they're expected to take these life-changing tests. And our ADHD kids are they're they're delayed. So the likelihood is it's not, it's not a strong likelihood. And letting that go and grieving that and realizing that there are other pathways that, you know, could lead to an equally bright future is very difficult to kind of shift those gears in your head.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Yeah, I think it's very hard because we live in a very competitive society where our children are judged based on their grades. But there's always a few things that I like to think about. Number one, a D grade doesn't mean a D life. And guess what? An A grade doesn't mean an A life either. Number two, if you look at your friend group, anyone, the most successful people in your friend group are probably not going to be the ones who got an A at high school. You know, high school is the only place in the world where you have to be good at everything. And who is good at everything? I would be a terrible plumber. I'm a great coach, but I'm a terrible plumber. But no one expects me to be a plumber. I can hire someone to come and do it. But here you have these kids at school who may not be very mathematically inclined, but are very good in languages, but yet they have to be brilliant in all of them. So I think for parents, we just kind of need to zoom out and really ask what is important and focus on that and just remind ourselves you know, your child today is not gonna be that child in six weeks, six months, or six years.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Right? So we have to, and I think if we embrace the child we have today, we're gonna enjoy that child. And when you enjoy that child, you change the atmosphere in your home. And that creates the environment for the child to flourish. When you're so busy trying to fix that child and make sure that that child fits into the box that society wants, you're creating all this tension, every interaction with your child is fixing and controlling, and your child is just gonna shut down. So you know what? They're not gonna do well in those GCSE exams because they're so not, they're not able to do it because the environment is so toxic for them.

Why Logic Fails A Dysregulated Brain

Dr Olivia 12:51

Yeah. That's so true. And I think, you know, when you're in that kind of a pressure environment as a parent, that then can lead to the huge eruptions of emotional dysregulation with your child as well. Homework is a huge one, you know.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Um and that again is you know that narrative that is going on in our head. And, you know, I always say to parents, like, I have three sons. I don't remember in the when I was giving birth to them that somebody gave me this definition of what it meant to be a good mom, a good parent, a happy child, a successful child. And yet we are all trying to aspire to a definition that doesn't exist for kids. I don't think it exists for neurotypicals, but it certainly doesn't exist for neurodivergent kids. And I always say to parents, you gotta take those definitions, you gotta burn them, and you gotta come back to the definition that works for you. And maybe today's definition of what it means to be a good mom is that you didn't lose your shit. And that's amazing.

Dr Olivia 13:48

Yeah, no, I agree with you, and you know, it was funny last night. My my daughter did lose her shit and she hasn't lost it in quite quite a few times. And you know, she said to me, she goes, and I just I loved it. I was like, wow. She goes to me, you know what, Mama? It's been a long time since I lashed out at you. She's like, I've been really good. And I said, you know what? You've got a fair point there, Alexandra. You you've been pretty good for a long time.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

And you know, and a very good point to bring up now. You know what? We expect our kids not to be angry, not to be grumpy, not to be upset. You know, when we tell them to get off the Xbox, we expect them to go, oh sure, mom, I'll just get off. I'm like, are you mad? We can't get off our iPhones, and now we're expecting our kids to. So we also have to understand that that's a kid's job. They're supposed to be grumpy, they're supposed to push limits, they're supposed to negotiate, they're supposed to test boundaries. That's being called a kid, and we forget that because we can't deal with that, because it provokes the anxiety and all our unmet needs. And that's the problem, right?

Dr Olivia 14:47

Yeah. And I think it triggers also back sometimes to our own parenting, where our parents were like, you know, you know, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

You know, there's a always set of parents. Well, what voice is in your head? Is it your mother telling you you're not being good enough, or is it your father? Because there's some voice that's telling you you suck, and then that voice is causing you to get triggered. And I think what we don't understand because no one explains to us, is that when your nervous system is triggered, it's sending a message to your kid's nervous system that mommy can't cope, mommy is under attack, and so their nervous system goes into survival mode. So now you've got a parent who's in survival mode, a child is in survival mode, and now you just have these massive eruptions.

Dr Olivia 15:28

Yeah, it's so, it's so, so, so true. And even like, you know, if you think about even the step before those massive eruptions happen, when you as a parent are trying to talk to your child about, you know, the logic behind why they should stop playing that Xbox and give you the controls, you know, because they really need to do their homework and it's going to be important for their career and their long term and yada, yada, yada, yada. You know, all the talk that we do as parents, I think one of the most valuable learn lessons that I've had to learn, it's very difficult, is to stop talking. Can you can you share a little bit about that with us?

Duct Tape And Speaking To The Limbic Brain

SPEAKER_01 16:03

We have to shut the fluff up. We talk too much, and that talking is like pouring gasoline on a burning fire. Let's understand what's going on. And we always have to go to the brain. So when a child is dysregulated, the back part of the brain, the emotional part of the brain has taken over. Front part of the brain is shut down. They cannot hear language, they cannot hear reason, they cannot hear logic, they cannot hear any of our problem solving. So if you are, and I say there's usually two types of parents, there's the fixer parent, the cheerleader parent, the empath. And I am an empath, we don't like to put boundaries, can't handle our kids being upset. We must go in and fix, we must go in and rescue. And if you're that parent, you are gonna use language to stop the behavior because you can't deal with the discomfort. The problem with your language is your child cannot hear a word. And all the language, I understand, this is so hard. You might as well just wave a red flag at a bull because it's gonna cause an explosion. Then we have the other type of parent who I call the fighter parent, the boxing glove parent. And this is the type of parent who wants compliance and they will threaten and they will punish. Now you've already got a child whose amygdala has taken over. They are already in fight, flight, or freeze. Now you're punishing that child. So initially the child is not really sure if they're being attacked by a saber-toothed tiger, and then you go in with your punishment. Boom, I've just been attacked. So now the behavior escalates. So we cannot use language and compliance in that moment to get that kid to calm down. Sorry, if the child's front part of the brain, part of the brain responsible for reason and logic and problem solving and managing tasks is shut down, there is, they cannot access that. So when you start to have expectations that they can, you're just use a feel to the fire. So we have to shut the fluff up. And shut the fluff up is for us to say, okay, am I talking to a child who's in thinking brain or crazy brain? No, the kid is in crazy brain, which means I can't use the language of I understand, this is so hard. What I have to do in that moment is I have to target language that is going to hit the limbic brain. And that is the language of empathy. And empathy is not talking millions of words, it's just validating how the child is feeling in that moment. It looks like, oh my gosh, I'm asking you to get off the Xbox. You don't want to. That sucks. When we talk to the limbic brain, the child will start to regulate, front part of the brain will come back on, and now you can have that conversation. But we parents, we start with the front part of the brain, and that's why everything goes apart. So I tell parents, I'm a little out there, as most of you know. So I visualize duct tape. Duct tape reminds me to shut the fluff up. By seeing that duct tape, shutting the fluff up, I ground myself and now I go, shut the fluff up, do not use language. I have to first talk to the limbic brain, and then I can come back and do my mommy fixing because I'm a mom and I have to fix some problem solve because that's just who I am.

Dr Olivia 19:14

Yeah, but it's waiting for that kind of it's waiting for them to kind of pick up the sensors that they've calmed down again as well.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Correct.

Dr Olivia 19:20

So the problem using words like calm down. I mean, that's also like a lighter fluid for my daughter. It's lighter fluid for me, too, I must admit, when anyone tells you to calm down or take a breath.

Emotional Safety At Home

SPEAKER_01 19:29

I don't even know why we even think, oh yeah, my best is, you know, take a breath. Tell the child to take a breath. Are you mad? You've got a 15-year-old who's losing their shit. There ain't no breathing going on. The more you say stuff like calm down and it's not so bad, and you know, honey, I understand, but homework is so important. I'm like, guys, the minute the word butt, the minute the word I understand comes down, just sit down because your kid's gonna just explode. Right? It's just triggering words for them. And why is it so hard for us to be quiet as parents? Do you think? Because we are hardwired to protect our cubs. And when you see your cub, you're feeling bad about themselves, uh, feeling unhappy. It is a mother or father's instinct to go in and rescue. So I always tell parents that's beautiful. And you know, being an empath is a huge asset. That loving, kind thing, no parent should ever change that. But the problem with empaths are we suck at putting boundaries. We suck, we're just not prepared to do it. And the problem is, particularly when you are raising ADHD kids, they need boundaries, they need limits, they need that emotional safety belt. I mean, we know that there is a mental health crisis amongst kids under the age of 18. And yes, it's social media, and yes, we can blame um COVID. But there's a third thing that we as parents have to acknowledge, and that is our parenting style, because we are not creating homes where our kids feel safe emotionally. I'm not talking about physical safety, I'm talking about emotional safety. And because we are not have providing that, we're seeing these big behaviors that are becoming self-harm and cutting and anorexia. And we as parents, I think just have to stand up and say, okay, this is the role we've played. Now we can change, which I think is the most empowering thing under the world to know I have the ability to change my family.

Dr Olivia 21:32

How would you say, like, if it if parents are listening to this right now, if they were to like look at their home and say, okay, is my home emotionally safe? What were some of the things that they could look for to see whether or not they're because I think it's very it's there is a real looking in the mirror kind of attitude that you need to take. Well, I think you only have to look at one thing.

Choice, Control, And Agency

SPEAKER_01 21:49

And that's your child's behavior. Your child's behavior is telling you exactly whether they feel safe or not. And if that child's behavior is off. The charts, they are saying, You do you see me? Do you hear me? Do you understand me? And because you don't see me, and because you don't understand me, and because you are not hearing me, I have to ramp up my behavior to get your attention because that's the only language that I have. And I'll give you such a good example. You know, the kid gets into the car and says, I hate my teacher. If you're that fixer parent, you're gonna go, oh honey, your teacher was just having a bad day today. It's not true. Teachers love their students. If you're the fighter parent, you're gonna say, Well, teachers are only like that if you weren't listening. What did the child just say? The child just said, My teacher hates me. You didn't hear a word. You went in straight to fix or force compliance. So what has the kid said? You don't hear me. So what does the kid have to do? They can't say, oh my gosh, you're not listening. So then the kid loses their shit, and then we get angry and frustrated with the child, but we didn't listen to the kid. And I think as we as parents are not recognizing that we're not hearing our kids. So that is why you've got to shut the fluff up. You really have to be listening to what your kids are. You've got to slow things down. I mean, we know that the human brain, when people speak, we speak, we listen. Sorry, when people when talk, we listen to speak. We actually are not trained to listen to hear. Listening is a really hard skill because you have your agenda and you just want to push it on that child. But I'm going to tell you, the more you push your agenda, the more you don't listen, the bigger those behaviors are going to get.

Dr Olivia 23:41

Yeah, it's super interesting. I mean, it it I think, you know, if you use some of the coaching, like in another role for me, I I've done coaching, you know, but also coaching within the medical kind of realm, you know, motivational interviewing and how that improves adherence and things like that. And a lot of the skills you learn there, and especially when you're teaching clinicians, because clinicians are very much like parents, right? We as doctors and nurses, we tell par we tell patients, you know, take this medication. You you list off all the reasons why patients don't listen. They don't, you know, they don't, they're not listening to you. They have their own agenda. They walk away, they have no idea why they have the pills, and and half of them don't even take the pills, you know? But the doctor feels very good having told you everything that you need to be doing that you're not doing. So the whole like philosophy of motivational interviewing is you actually you don't tell someone what to do ever. You actually listen to what the person said, like you were saying, and then you repeat back what they have said. And I think this is something I use with my daughter too, because it slows you down and enables you, you're not, you're no longer listening to what you're gonna say next, you're no longer trying to fix, you're trying to listen so that you can repeat it back to them, what they've said.

Oppositional Or Future Leader

SPEAKER_01 24:44

And you see, when you're engaged in that kind of conversation, you're really finding out what's going on with your kids. Because you see, I always say we make an arse out of ourselves because we assume something that isn't what's really happening, and then we rush to fix, and the remedy is never gonna work because that wasn't actually the problem. Whereas if you just slow down, if you really listen, you're gonna really find out what is going on with your kid, and then you can find the solution. You know, I always go back to this gaming. You know, we expect our kids to get off five minutes, five minutes, and they don't get off, and then we throw our toys out of the toy box and we're taking away the Xbox tomorrow, and you're so disruptive and so oppositional, but you know, there's a reason why your kid can't get off in five minutes. And if you don't ask and get curious and figure it out, well, the reason is this many of them have just started a new game. They're playing with 150 other virtual friends who they all think are their best friends in the whole world, and they can't just exit the game. So when you come in and you say five minutes, the poor kid cannot get off the game. So, unless you're having those types of where you read, tell me more, why is it hard to get off? What is going on for you? Now you see, oh my gosh, I understand. So now we can come up with a system that let's say the kid has, I'm just saying 45 minutes of gaming time. At the 30-minute mark, some type of cue, whether it's a visual cue or a verbal cue, comes up, which lets the child know, listen, I only have 15 minutes more of gaming time. I can't start a new game, and I need to figure out how I can start exiting the game. You've now just changed everything.

Dr Olivia 26:21

Yeah. It's so true. You know, it is so true. And even, you know, even something as simple as YouTube can be used by this too. Like, because I will demand, I've demanded that my child gets off that and she'll be, ah, and now I've changed it to, okay, how long before what you're watching is over? Oh, I've got five more minutes. Okay, or three minutes or eight minutes, whatever it is. And giving her that autonomy to be like, in eight minutes, I'll be done. Okay, the dinner's not going to be ruined if it's eight minutes later. You know what I mean? But it's also giving her some of that, you know, opportunity to say, when's a good time for me to pause this and stop this?

SPEAKER_01 26:53

A hundred percent. And listen, the end of the day, there's not one human being who doesn't want agency. We all want agency. And when you have a child with ADHD, that agency is like 10 times on steroids, right? So they come home. If you are not giving them choice and control, you know, I always say to parents, our job is to set the parameters, and their job is to negotiate within them. So that's the choice and control. And I'm telling you, if you give them simple things like not, can you unpack the dishwasher? No, don't tell me what to do. You're the worst parent. No, the parent does, right? I mean, they just instead of saying, would you like to unpack the dishwasher before or after dinner? Choice and control. Now they feel like they have agency. Because at the end of the day, our kids are amazing human beings. They want to do well, they don't want to disappoint you. We are just not giving them the using language that is allowing them to do well.

Dr Olivia 27:50

Yeah, no, it's so true. My dad's 83 and he's undiagnosed, but like I joke with him. I'm like, if I told you to go get that bag of gold over there, you wouldn't do it because I told you to do it. And it, you know, it's so true of my daughter too, you know, like, and I guess of me as well, you know, of all of us to a degree, you know.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

We all want choice and control. We're all fighting for that agency. So why do we have to, if we know this, why do we not set up our homes to take that off the table? And it's not that hot, right?

Dr Olivia 28:19

Do you know and it's it's it's revolution, it's revolutionary. Like I had such fights over my daughter showering, and I'm like, what am I doing? So I'm like, you know what? It's your choice. She's 14, right? You you choose, you have to do it three times a week. I know most people shower every day, but you know what? For me, three times a week, I'm happy with that. Um, and she's taken ownership of it. And I she woke up at five the other morning because she didn't want to do it in the afternoon. She's gonna do it the next morning, and she did it herself, you know. But the more you put pressure, the more you take away that autonomy, the worse your life gets with an ADHD child, is what I would say.

Repair, Accountability, And Modelling

SPEAKER_01 28:51

100%. And you know what? I love what you just said because I always say to parents, 15 years from now, is anyone gonna care whether she showered three times a week, seven days a week? It's so ridiculous that we are getting obsessed with this. And then I always say to parents, I got news for you. This whole hygiene thing you're fighting, when they find a significant other, hygiene doesn't come a problem. So really pick your battles and stop getting stuck in the weeds. Like life is so much, there's so much more going on, and so many more important things. So, yes, there are certain things that you are gonna want to have in your in your home because you have to. These kids, you know, they need rules and they need structure and whatever, but really think about what's important. Like when I have parents of teens and tweens telling me their kids' room is messy, I'm like, close the frickin' door. Seriously. Who cares?

Dr Olivia 29:53

So you're not sharing a bedroom with them.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Just close the frick. Well, they're not gonna have clean clothes. Great, they'll figure it out. Like, is that worth the is that worth the battle? Because for me, just close the frickin' door and move on. I can promise you, when a girl or a boy starts sleeping over or they move into a dorm room, they will figure it out.

Dr Olivia 30:17

It's so true.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

You gotta like zoom out and put life in perspective.

Dr Olivia 30:23

And you know what, it it benefits you as well because when you have all these demands that you're putting on your child or all these expectations that you're putting on it, you also are gonna lose it much more easily. And unfortunately, if you need to help your child regulate and you're losing it or your energy is wrong, I you know, it doesn't work. I I know you said fake it till you make it, but my daughter's pretty like clued in if I'm faking being calm.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I yeah, but listen, I've got news for you. I think mommy or daddy temper tantrums are actually okay. So if I'm not Hallelujah! I'm so happy you told me that, Alison. Yeah, I'm gonna lie on the floor, I'm gonna have an epic meltdown. Everybody will go, like, what's going on? And they'll all laugh at the end. And I'm like, you know what? Sometimes even moms have to have a meltdown because we're allowed to. But here's the difference. After the meltdown, I'm gonna go, oh my gosh, you know what? I'm so sorry. I was so overwhelmed today. I didn't do anything that I needed to do to take care of myself. And here I went, and I just projectile vomited all of my shit onto you. And you know what? That's not okay. So I'm gonna apologize and I'm gonna work on me. You see, that empathetic repair, that's where the gold lies because your kid is gonna lose their shit. If you are modeling what you do afterwards, you are giving them the greatest gift. So I always say to parents, don't worry about screwing up. Sorry, six out of 10, you're gonna be a huge screw up. Four out of 10, you're gonna get it right because you're a work in progress. Don't worry about the screw up. I love the screw-ups because the screw-ups gives me the opportunity to model what you do when you mess up. Because life is about messing up. But what matters is how you recover from the mess up. And that's how we teach our kids resilience.

Dr Olivia 32:04

Absolutely. And how you reconnect with them as well.

Praise, RSD, And Daily Wins

SPEAKER_01 32:07

Yeah, yeah. Listen, you if if we if we walk around thinking that we are not gonna screw up, that we're not gonna lose our shit, we're just setting a bar so high that we're gonna just drown. And you know, at the end of the day, life is really short. By the time they're 18, you know, we we think the days are long and they are long, but the years are short. And at 18, what is your kid gonna remember about their childhood? Is your kid gonna remember? Yeah, you know what, my mom had rules because we needed rules, but she was fun. She took out the Nerf guns, we had, you know, water balloon fights, even it's I mean, we where I live, it's snowing. I went out and had a snowball fight with my 23-year-old. What do you want your kids to remember? Really? And I think, you know, I always say to parents, at the end of the week, ask yourself, what was the tone in my home? If the tone sucked, that's okay. What are you gonna do differently next week? And if the tone was great, you better be celebrating the shit out of that. Because here's the other part of this journey: we never ever praise ourselves, we never ever recognize the good that we are doing. And no matter where you are in this journey, even if you think you're at like at the bottom of the pit, you are doing good stuff. And we have to train our brains to recognize that because the brain has a natural negative bias. Your brain is cataloguing all the times you yelled this week, all the times you did the wrong thing. It is not cataloguing the good things. And every single parent, every single day is doing some bloody amazing things. And we have to remind ourselves. So that little, you know, what is the tone in my home? What did I do good? Where do I need to work? Is the best exercise ever. Because if you are recognizing how amazing you are, because all parents are amazing, you're gonna show up completely different.

Dr Olivia 33:58

That's true. Stopping so hard on yourself, basically. Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

We are our worst own enemies. And then, you know, I always say to parents, like we have kids who have a shattered self-esteem, who have the most self-confidence, and now they're watching you beating yourself up. How what what message are we sending them? Can we see are we keeping everybody stuck in the cycle?

Dr Olivia 34:18

Yeah, and and that goes back to your emotional kind of well-being of your household. It's it's not helping that emotional well-being, and then it's having those knock-on effects and mental health with our kids.

SPEAKER_01 34:29

100%. You know what I always say? What is that expression? If mommy or daddy ain't happy, nobody's happy. And that's the reality. And I'm not, you know, and happiness is not. Happiness is just being in a state of, I'm okay. And if I'm not okay, I'm gonna share that with somebody and I'm gonna get help. And I'm gonna even tell my kids, you know what, I'm not having a good day. I feel pretty crappy. So if I scream or shot, I want you to know I'm just having a crappy day. Because you can have a crappy day. Not every day is a bloody day in paradise. We're allowed to say and feel, you know, the more you live out loud, the more you narrate how you're feeling and how you're managing it. That's how your kids learn. I always tell parents, parents don't understand the most effective parenting strategy is modeling. Those kids, even that 16-year-old goth, is like a sponge. They are literally stopping up everything you are doing and they are watching. So the more you model how you deal with anxiety, how you deal with stress, how when you screwed up what you did, your kids are hearing. Even though the hoodies are over and the earphones are in, trust me, I have older kids and it comes back to bite you very often. What came back to bite you, I have to ask. You're like, oh shit, did I tell you that? Because I just want to have a mommy meltdown. And now you're doing all this reflective listening. I'm trying to say, I want to scream and shout. Yeah, the joys of older children.

Dr Olivia 35:55

You know, you've done your job though. So, you know, it probably distracted you from your meltdown.

Three Practical Takeaways And Closing

SPEAKER_01 35:59

Yeah, exactly. I'm looking at, can I just have a meltdown? Can I just like just do what you all do? Like, and he's murmuring back and he's keeping me regulated. I'm like, damn it. I'm talking too well.

Dr Olivia 36:13

It's so true though. It's not what you say, it's what you do. You know, it really is. And you know, my I I have the same thing even at my daughter's eyes, I said, only 14. She does it, you know, she's like, Mommy, we're both really tired tonight. I can see that we're both tired. Let's just, you know, calm it down. You know, I will get ready. I will get ready for bed eventually. But and I'm like, okay, you've got a point.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

Duct tape, duct tape. Listen, I'm telling you, between 10 and 20, they need to actually give parents duct tape that's shut the fluff up, and that's the image. Because I'm going to tell you, if you just shut the fluff up, if you just slow everything down, you're going to see such a change in your kids. We are going at a pace. First of all, their brain cannot keep up with our pace. That front part of the brain is half asleep most of the time. So you're rushing in to have conversations and their brain is not even there. When you slow stuff down, you actually allow the brain to come online so that the brain can actually receive the information. You know, parents say everything I ask my kid, I say is no. I'm like, yeah, I know why. Well, why? Because you're asking them, their brain is offline, so they just say no. Give them the opportunity to come online. If you want to have a conversation, let them know in advance that the brain can be ready. You know, it's all these little tiny things that make such a huge difference.

Dr Olivia 37:34

It's so true. And it's it's it's understanding that, not that they're just, you know, not listening to you or the other baggage that we put on top of that as well. And I think, you know, we we often look at our kids as sometimes we might look at some of what they're doing, oh that they're being difficult, like your dishwasher example earlier, like, I'm not gonna do the dishwasher, you know, or defiant. But actually, a lot of what they're doing is really going to put them in good steed for being an adult. They're not gonna be the pushovers in the pack. They are gonna be, you know, they're very independent. And so a lot of the things that we don't like as conformist or empathetic, whatever kind of parent we are, actually really is a good characteristic to have in the outside big world.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

100%. You know, I remember a teacher pulling me aside and she said, you know, you're gonna have to get a lot of hair coloring because this child is going to cause your hair to go gray. But once he leaves school, he's going to be unstoppable because all of those straight, all of those traits, which we at school can't deal with, are the things that are going to allow him to soar. And she was 100% right. Schools don't want kids who don't fit in the box. Schools don't want kids who ask why. Schools don't want kids who challenge the rules. Schools don't want kids who are curious and do other things. They want kids that fit in the box because that's how they can teach them. But all of those traits, that curiosity, that distractability, that impulsivity, that hyperactivity, oh my gosh, that is what makes the best entrepreneurs in the world. Right? And the problem is this that we as parents need to make sure that the light in our kids is not being put out because the system doesn't work for them. So all of those incredible traits, you have to be harnessing them. You have to find an outlet for them, you have to be reminding your kids who they are and how incredible that is. And that's how we have to approach these kids.

Dr Olivia 39:28

It's so true because you look at you look at the two sides of the coin. There's 85% of entrepreneurs have ADHD, but there's a huge amount of the prison population that do as well. And I would say to what you just said there, these ones have been inspired and have been allowed to fly. These ones, that light has been quashed. They, you know, have anxiety, their self-confidence, school, and it's just been crushed out of them. So, you know, you you you have you do have a major role, I think, as a parent to make that light shine or to allow that light to shine.

SPEAKER_01 39:57

You know, there's an amazing quote. I just can't think of the person who said it. So, but our children, children have an amazing way of becoming who we tell them they are. So if you get told you're bad, you're oppositional, you're not a great kid, you're so lazy, you're so unmotivated, you always procrastinate, that's who you're gonna become. But if you get told, you know what, you're an amazing human being. I love the way your brain works. You see connections other people are. You have a heart of gold. Oh my gosh, you're so curious. You see things that no one would ever. Which one do you want your child to become? And you, and again, so I actually think that we as parents may might feel so helpless, but I think we should feel so empowered because you have the tools, the ability to change your kid's narrative. Is your kid going to be kind and curious and live in the moment and have this amazing sense of social justice? Or is your kid gonna be, oh, he just needs to be put in more effort, he just needs to try harder? You get to choose that narrative.

Dr Olivia 41:00

Right, yeah, that's so true. And that's kind of and I think all of us know which narrative we want our children to have. You know, it's it's it's it's a slam dunk, as you as you said, you know, we all love our kids so much.

SPEAKER_01 41:11

Beautiful. And listen, I think the problem is, and let's just go to the reality of the situation, that when you're stuck in the trenches, sometimes it's really hard to see the positive traits. Sometimes when you're dealing with I hate you and you're the worst mother, and constant oppositional behavior, you can get really, really lost in that behavior. And there's no guilt or shame in that. But here's the thing we as parents need to take steps not to get lost in that behavior. And actually, the fix is so simple, and I'll just share it with you. You know, I tell parents every single day your child needs specific positive praise, right? We know that in the ADHD world, there's a lot of talk about rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, and it's a real and it's a debilitating condition. But there's also this thing called euphoria. And euphoria is when we get specific positive praise. So if you are giving your kids specific positive praise, not only is it helping your kids, but it's training your brain. So if you are stuck in those trenches and you are feeling so overwhelmed, and you know what, you're probably a little angry with your child because you've done everything possible and they're just throwing it in your face, and that's an okay place to be because I think a lot of parents are there. You need to keep a little, either go on your iPhone or keep a book, and you need to be writing down those three things every single day. Because you're going, if you're looking for them, you will find them. And then on those horrific days, because there are horrific days where they're just so out of control and you can't cope, you can go back to that book, you can read who your child is, and that is gonna help to regulate you. That's really good words to live by, I think, you know, because yeah, it's uh listen, this is no unicorns and rainbows. I've been to hell and back, trust me. I I know it all. Like it is hard, and I always say to parents, you know, you're gonna have those unbelievable days, and you're gonna have those shitty, awful days where you're gonna say stuff you wish you didn't say, and that's okay. You know, I always go back. For me, the bar is six out of 10. I screwed up because I'm a work in progress and I'm trying to figure this out, and four out of 10, I get it right. And as long as that's the thing, I'm doing good. And then hopefully, you know, it becomes five out of 10. That's it. We and I always say progress is measured in millimeters. So if yesterday you scrimp 16 times and today you only scrim 50, you won the jackpot. That's an improvement, right?

Dr Olivia 43:40

And I think it's really important what you said earlier on in terms of it's an opportunity. You know, your your your F ups can be an opportunity to show your child, you know, that it's anormal. It's not something that, you know. So I think there's also that, oh, I'm abnormal. I shouldn't, you know, behave this way, you know, and and and that those are all negative. Negative thoughts. And if they see mommy doing it and or daddy doing it and actually coming back and then saying, I'm sorry, that wasn't great. I didn't sleep well. I'd had enough or whatever the reason was, and let's move forward. Then they can also know that it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

Yeah, and I also think that's how you actually teach accountability. Absolutely. We want our kids to be accountable and to hold up to the action. Well, I mean, we need to be accountable. When we screw up, we need to hold ourselves accountable. We need to model and when we mess up, we apologize. But saying sorry is not enough. We have to take action to change ourselves. Yeah, right. Absolutely. And we model the more I'm telling you, parents, if I leave you with one thought today, just model that owning your shirt. Model shutting the fluff up. Just keep on modeling. They are learning by watching. They don't learn by you titting. The minute you start titting, they got you know the stuff that they shut down. They're not listening to a thing, but they're watching and they sing, and that's how they're learning.

Dr Olivia 45:04

And you know what the funny thing is, is you're learning too. So you're actually, I would say, evolving as a person as well, because all these skills are so useful outside of the home, too, with lots of different people in the world. So what your child is actually teaching you by you having to model for them benefits you as an individual, as a person as well. I think my child has taught me more than I will ever teach her.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

I could not I would say to my son, you are my greatest teacher because all the shit that I ever dealt with, it came bubbling up as I was trying to figure out how best to be your parent, and I had to deal with that. And so you are my teacher. You have lifted me up more than I ever could have lifted you up.

Dr Olivia 45:45

Yeah, that's so true. Well, thank you so much, Alison. I really appreciated talking to you today. Now, I am my podcast, but you've given us so many good tips. But would you have three top tips that you can leave my listeners with that they can take away in their back pockets?

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Yeah, my number one is you have to give yourself grace. We are so quick to give compassion to our children when they mess up. But when we mess up, we berate ourselves, and we actually have to stop that. So, number one, give yourself grace. You're allowed to mess up, you're a human being. Number two, your child is not ADHD. ADHD is part of their story, but that's not who they are. It simply gives you insights, how their brain works. But your child has all these incredible traits. They're kind and curious and funny, and you really need to parent through that lens. That doesn't dismiss any of the challenges because there are tons of challenges. But when you come with that energy, and that's how you parent, everything in your house is going to change. And my third tip is just once a week, do that check-in. Walk with the code in my house. Okay, it sucked. I lost my marbles. Why did I lose my marbles? What do I need to do differently? Think about what you did right, celebrate it, and just keep on doing. You know, we are a work in progress. And the more we are progressing, I'm going to tell you everybody will come along with you.

Dr Olivia 47:17

Those are excellent words to end on. Thank you, Allison, so much.

SPEAKER_01 47:22

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to speak to your audience. I've absolutely loved this conversation.

Dr Olivia 47:27

If this conversation resonated, I encourage you to pause for the next hard moment and simply notice your own energy first. Regulation is not about perfection, it's about awareness. I really enjoyed this discussion and I hope you did as well with Alison, which is so empowering. If you found this helpful, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it. And join us next week as we continue unpacking the realities of neurodiverse parenting with clarity, compassion, and practical tools. Till next week, wishing you a good week ahead, Dr. Olivia.