Navigating the Path to Self-Love and Fulfilling Relationships: A Deep Dive Conversation with Barry Selby

I am joined by Barry Selby, a true advocate for the power of love and the divine feminine. With a passion for helping strong and successful women find balance in love, life, and business, Barry has become affectionately known as the Love Doctor among his clients and friends.  

In this conversation we  delve into the intricacies of self-love, healthy relationships, and personal growth. In this compelling three-part conversation, they explore the underlying patterns of codependency, the power of forgiveness, and the importance of self-awareness in navigating the complexities of human connection. 

From dissecting the formulaic nature of romantic movies to unraveling the roots of codependent behaviors, their insights offer a roadmap for listeners seeking to break free from limiting beliefs and cultivate thriving relationships.

Through practical exercises and real-life anecdotes, they provide actionable steps for fostering self-love, embracing authenticity, and building interdependent connections. Join us  on this enlightening journey towards wholeness and fulfillment in love and life.

Barry Selby's Website: https://www.barryselby.com

Transcript

PMD: 0:27

today I'm in conversation with Barry Selby, a true advocate for the power of love and the divine feminine. With a passion for helping strong and successful women find balance in love, life, and business, Barry has become affectionately known as the love doctor among his clients and friends. And with over 35 years of training and experience, including a master's degree in spiritual psychology and over 20 years as a spiritual counsellor, Barry has touched the lives of thousands, empowering them to break free from codependent patterns and embrace healthier, thriving relationships. He is the best selling author of 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, a comprehensive guide filled with 50 powerful principles for creating passionate and rewarding relationships, whether you're single or in a partnership. And through his work as a spiritual guide, inspirational speaker, and relationship attraction expert, Barry's mission is to help his clients not only create profound relationships with others, But more importantly, foster a profound relationship with themselves. And today we'll dive deep into Barry's wisdom and compassion as we explore how to heal our hearts and love freely again, and we'll uncover the secrets of expressing our true magnificence in love and the world, and how to attract the passionate and fulfilling relationships we deserve. Barry, welcome to Transcendent Minds podcast. Bring the audience in. Tell us a about yourself.

BS: 1:58

First of all, thank you for having me. So it's a joy to be here. And that was quite an intro. I'm like, is that who I am down? One of the obvious things that people may not know, obvious to me, of course, is I am English originally raised in Essex in England. But I lived in the States in Los Angeles for just over 40 years now. So I've been there for a long time. So I've had a different view of the world being immersed in American culture, and it certainly didn't necessarily add to or change my dating experiences. It certainly gave me a lot of places to play. I've been in the relationship field coaching and speaking about it for the last 15, or so years, but my real experience in relationships was all the mistakes I made for many years before that. And all the transformation work I've done gave me lots of clues and lots of insights and practices. But there was always seems to be one thing missing or one thing I need to learn. And finally I got that one piece that really opened me up to understanding the whole picture in 2007. And that was the gift I got that really put me on the path that I'm on now. And it basically it took everything I've done before then to put it into, not necessarily to focus, but into a toolkit I could use. That's how I got to where I am.

PMD: 3:04

Thank you Barry and that's the who is Barry, and what inspired you to become known as the love doctor.

BS: 3:11

As in my bio I was called that first. I didn't go asking for it. I actually got called by some friends. They just loved me the way I was and said, like the love doctor, you work people's hearts and help them heal and help them feel better, but not medically, but emotionally, which is a common way of people calling me that. Frankly, I've been the safe place for a lot of my female friends since I was a kid. That started in high school when I got bullied by other boys for various reasons. And the girls were, I was safe. Because they didn't beat me up. And also, they didn't feel threatened by me because I wasn't the same as the other guys were. I was just a nice guy. And so they cry on my shoulder oftentimes. I actually became the shoulder they cried on when I was probably in my mid teens. That started way back. I never thought it'd be a profession. And so that was where it started in a way. It was having that safe space, that care and compassion. However, It really came to sharp focus in my adult life when I started becoming more of a guide and facilitator because of the fact that it felt like it was my natural gift to be able to just be that person who could see people more clearly and help them see themselves more clearly.

PMD: 4:06

If we are a hungry respondee and have an awakened awareness, we can respond to the calling of what is true to our gifts. I believe each person has an innate and unique gift that they can give to the world and amplify the messages that need to flow from that gift. So that's beautiful that you responded to that. Can you describe some of the core principles or philosophies that you advocate for in your advice in your teachings or in your coaching?

BS: 4:40

Sure. Yeah, for me, simply put, the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one they have because the one we have all our lives, other relationships will end or start at different times, but the one we have the longest is the one we have in the mirror. That's the one we need to work on most. That's always been the way for me. And I've been in the human transformational development field for 40 years since like mid eighties. That's where the juice is. Even now, I've got a coach that I'm working with to help me learn lessons and renew things understand things heal things as well because I frankly think this is the perfect journey to be on in this lifetime is to be guided and to be a guide like you were saying like having gifts to bring It will makes life worth living as far as I'm concerned. The thing is interesting about that relationship piece I was talking with a friend of mine who's reading my book last week, and she said, it's funny this book it really talks a lot about the projections we put out the way we project on things. And I said really the book ultimately it's 50 ways to love the one in the mirror and to have a healthier relationship with everything and everyone around us. But I said, that title is too long so I made it 50 ways to love your lover. But really, that's what became the truth is the book is really, as is my work, is about how do you look at life and how do you deal with life from inside of you, not from outside of you and that's really the lesson I've had to learn many times over. So I help my clients and my audience learn that more quickly.

PMD: 5:58

For people listening to this if they have a relationship challenge and I'm aware that any relationship entails personal growth, how do you approach helping individuals with their relationship challenges and their personal growth?

BS: 6:13

That's the thing is, as you said, every relationship is going to give you opportunities of growth. The biggest thing is when we get upset in a relationship, the first thing to do before we start blaming somebody else is to notice why we're getting upset. 90 percent of the time, not all the time, but a lot of the time, when we get upset, it's because the person we're with has rubbed something, like friction something inside of us that we didn't notice was there. And it might be an old pattern, it might be some belief system we didn't realize was inaccurately lined up. It could be the fact that we didn't want to deal with it. A lot of people get into a relationship and basically want to put their feet up and to relax, they don't want to do any work. The thing is, as most people are realizing more and more nowadays, in relationship is where the work really happens. When you're single is where it's easier to put it off. So the joy of being in a relationship and the pain of being in a relationship is the same thing, which is that when you're in a relationship, your partner's going to give you opportunities to grow, and you get an opportunity to choose if that's what you want to do or not.

PMD: 7:03

In any relationship, I think when you look in the mirror, sometimes you see smudges in there and you don't get quite a clear picture of things, and you've got to be able to wipe away that smudge, or even sometimes, in collaboration and cooperation and mutuality with your partner you're able to be aware and recognize those smudges and you can help to not only recognize but rebuild whatever you need to rebuild. Because a lot of the time what comes up for me here is when we think of self love our first exposure to love is usually within a relationship where it's a relationship to our mother, our father, our siblings, and so on. So how can we start to recognize or cultivate the soil so we can plant the seeds for self love without the relationship being a compass, or do we need that compass to be able to cultivate self love?

BS: 8:00

It's not so much we need the compass, it's more about the fact that when we're born we discover love because we feel it from other people. From the adults, the nurses, whoever it is that nurtures us, we feel love that way. So yes, I think almost everybody learns love externally first, but to learn to, I won't say internalize, but learn to resource the love inside is a journey. And self love has been thrown around as a term for quite a long time and a lot of people don't understand what it really means, at least my belief is because self love, yes, it does have that kindness of putting your hand over your heart and saying I love myself. That's great. However, self love is also having respect for yourself. It's about doing the inner work where you can start clearing out the limiting beliefs programming, assumptions, emotional baggage that we carry that gets in the way of us because real self love for me comes under the heading more of self honoring and self care because it's much more than just simply just I love myself. It's no, I take care of myself, I choose to take myself out of situations that are negative. I choose to put myself in relationships that are positive. I choose to eat more healthy. I choose to find a better job. With those sort of things that what I call actions of self love because they're ways of making a life more positive and more uplifting for ourselves. Self love for me is a lot about self honoring and self care.

PMD: 9:08

It's getting people to that point whereby their experience of love doesn't come from the relationship, although that has its merits, because so much of what I hear from individuals is I'm not good enough. I'm unworthy, low self esteem, which are all aspects of the lack of self love and they forge or foster a relationship of some kind in order to seek validation so they can have self worth or they can have a higher self esteem. And that never really works out because they haven't addressed the mirror.

BS: 9:44

And the thing is actually what you dropped in there, which I want to go back to is self worth. Because ultimately for most people, and unfortunately we've been told this by so many different institutions and such like that, that we have to earn self worth, like some sort of way that we have to do certain things to become worthy. My belief system, which I'm very passionate about, is that we are innately worthy because we're here. There's nothing to do, nothing to achieve, nothing to act like to be worthy. Worthiness is inequality. It's only our separation from that or our disbelief about it that gets in the way. So feeling unworthy is simply a feeling of being unworthy. It doesn't change the fact we're worthy anyway. So the reality is, most of us, is that we have this tendency, especially if we are caring people, is we devalue our worthiness based upon things we didn't do right, mistakes we made, people we hurt, or heartbreak we went through, those negative things we experience, we somehow evaluate as being some sort of chiseling away at our self worth, but that's an inaccurate statement because worthiness is not based on an emotional state. Worthiness is the quality of who we are. So if we feel bad, we're still worthy. But most people have it tied together, that worthiness is tied to our emotional well being, and those are not the same thing. And the good news is, because of that, is that we can always find a way out of the dark night of the soul or whatever we feel in that pit of despair. There is a way out, because the truth is we are worthy and deserving no matter what's happening around us.

PMD: 11:01

Your work to address different relationships dynamics, or the stages that a person goes through in a relationship or their stages of life, because I think Ken Wilber said, states are free where stages are earned.

BS: 11:17

Yeah. Yes, that's the thing is that's relationships are a great training ground for being better people in the sense of how we interact. I don't necessarily have a spectrum or a scale of what stage you go through. I did look at like relationships as being opportunities to refine ourselves and be more loving and be basically more whole ultimately. The key trap that we fall into as Moses said that about being more whole, is we keep thinking the other person makes us whole, which is a real error in approach. That's the trap of codependency, which I talk about a lot in my work, and I love quoting Jerry Maguire, the quote saying, you complete me, because it's such an inaccurate statement, but yet people think it's so romantic. So in relationship to other people, it's remembering our wholeness. The challenges that we've been trained to think otherwise. So for me, the work in relationship, or should I say work for all of us in relationship, is to navigate it from a place of wholeness. So we're not indebted to somebody by the fact they're in our life, therefore we must feel like they make up the rest of us missing and if stuff happens, issues come up challenges show up as I said earlier, one of the first things is to look at ourselves to be aware of our own interaction in that pattern. When we have arguments with somebody one of the things we learned is that, first of all, don't blame the other person first. Start taking ownership language, meaning that when you're upset with somebody, say, I'm upset because I noticed when you do this, I feel this versus you made me feel. That shift alone can transform almost any relationship when you realize the other person does not have control over how you feel, but what they did gave you a chance to feel that way. The power of that means that you can say, you know what, I'm not going to let that person do something that makes me feel that way. I'm going to choose something different and that's freedom. But it's that sort of lesson we go through again and again before we get there. Because it's not like I go, oh, one and done. I know how to do that now. I'm fine. The lessons show up again and again. I had an opportunity last week when I got an email from somebody that really triggered me. And. I didn't get upset with it, but I got sarcastic, which is one of my ways of reacting. Being English is probably built in, and so when I wrote back the email, I realized that after I looked at what I sent, and I really hit send, and oops, I didn't want to take it back, is I really had been caustic in my response. I really had been I wouldn't say provocative, probably more antagonistic, in terms of knocking down what they said. Now, I felt better for a moment. Because it's look at what I did. I had fun with that. But then right afterwards, it's the shame that showed up afterwards of I know better than this. Why am I doing that? So I sent a second email. I actually had some guidance on this, just to be transparent. I sent a second email that really said, can I have a do over? Can we start over? Because what I did was inappropriate, but I know what I could have done was this. Are you willing to have a conversation? So I can actually maybe rebuild or start over a new relationship with this person who just emailed me out of the blue. They could transform it, but it wasn't immediate. I've done this work for many years. And I still have to learn the lesson again and again.

PMD: 13:56

But at least you recognize that you were able to reflect on it, then you were able to release it and rebuild, and then recheck rewire and reset. It's going through that grid process because the ego loves to sit on the throne of hubris and issue out its edicts and keep you in that confined space where you get triggered into reactivity, that's usually based on some sort of historical mechanism that hasn't really been addressed. I'm not saying it ever goes away because I don't think you can erase your history totally, but you can recognize it and not give your power to it. I remember years ago when I got my first sports car and I was ego driven kind of guy, my BMW driving around Holland park and a guy cutting me up, but I couldn't communicate with him because he can't hear me. This is what my ego did. I overtook him. You're not going to get the better of me, got out the car and banged on his window. Wow. And now when I look back at that, I just think, Oh my gosh, what a jerk. But what could I learn from that? And I can learn it's so easy to hand your power over whether somebody's cutting you up because in a way they're controlling your emotions. Exactly. And you're giving them your power rather than reclaiming your power in that moment, like you did with the email, because emails have a level of semantic ambiguity, so the way you measure it is one thing and the way you interpret it can be another. And not everybody's a brilliant communicator, so the way it comes across can contain areas that push your hot buttons and then trigger you into reactivity.

BS: 15:46

The thing was, and this is the key, I want to say to everybody else, is that it's an opportunity to catch yourself closer and closer to when it starts because of the challenges because the other thing was I could have said damn, I sent an email and sulked it or something else. But thankfully, because I got a nudge from one of my coaches who was kind enough to give me some feedback, I could take action to fix it. And so the email was only like an hour later than the first one. Not like a week later than the first one. So it's that reduction of time between the reactivity and the response we can get better and better. So it's a focus of practice. But one thing I'll go just sidebar on to, you mentioned about emails and texting and the ambiguity of that. One of the most challenging things in a relationship that people forget to do is to talk to each other because they do text all the time, or they do a quick, emoji which can be fun to do. But the ambiguity, that whole piece of it, we're not communicating clearly is our verbal communication, just our words, if you're not actually seeing each other face to face, is less than 7 percent of our communication. So when it's written in a text form, it's even smaller than that. Recognize that any communication you want to have with somebody has to be at least a phone call, if not face to face. so there's more import and more full spectrum communication happening between you. Because that's one of the things we forget we think, oh, we'll just text somebody. Texting should be just really for logistics, ultimately, but the people put their whole lives in them. People break up over text, not a recommended way of doing things.

PMD: 17:05

Somebody told me they were doing research into millennials and they asked them how do you communicate your emotions, and they brought up emojis on their phone. That's where we've got to.

BS: 17:16

Hope not, but that's hopefully just a way station on the way back onto full communication.

PMD: 17:21

Let's trust it is. But I was shocked, when she told me I was shocked, but I wasn't shocked. I was like, yeah, I can see why in one sense. Because it's not just the verbal communication. It's the nonverbal communication. Yeah. It's the connection. In the West, arms length is a safe space. When I lived in Morocco for six months, it was a very fascinating observation for me because when we look at the concept of proxemics, which is the unspoken language of personal space in certain cultures such as the people that I met in Morocco, the Shilha people of Morocco there exists a beautiful intimacy in their communication. So just imagine for a moment, the depth of connection, when someone looks directly into your eyes as they speak, holding your gaze with unwavering sincerity. So it's not just about words. It's about a soulful engagement. a recognition that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And in our Western society, that level of intimacy can sometimes be misconstrued as an intrusion because our cultural norms dictate a different approach to personal space which often leads to a sense of discomfort when someone invades our perceived boundaries. But when I look back when I was in Morocco with the Shihla people. I looked at their perspective. I was confronted with a profound truth, in my quest for personal space and how I have inadvertently distance myself from genuine connection and I recall poignant moment when I converse with a member of the Shihla community so head on so earnestly and their response was enlightening as it was humbling. That's where your soul is they explained to me. When I look into your eyes. I see beyond mere words. I see your essence. I see your very being. So in a world, saturated with the romantacised notions of love and relationships. I think it's imperative to challenge the prevailing misconceptions because there's this cinematic portrayal of love often eptiomised by grand gestures and fairy tale endings and those can lead us astray from the authentic complexities of human connection. And while some of these movies may evoke a sense of warmth and nostalgia they are at their core illusions. They're fleeting glimpses of an idealized reality. So when I went on this journey of introspection, it caused me to question the narratives that society thrust upon us. So it's a question of unraveling the intricacies of loving relationships, not just through the lens of Hollywood romances, but through the prism of our own experiences and truths, because therein lies the essence of true connection. Not in scripted perfection, but in the raw unfiltered beauty of genuine human interaction.

BS: 20:42

It's a formulaic script they use. Most of the movies have this tendency to be like, the initial flotation, then a big mistake's made where they separate and put apart. And then there's the redemption at the end where they come together again. It seems to be like a formula. So many movies have that built in. Most relationships don't work that way. Because to be honest, if you have those three components, much in relation to if they switch the two at the second and third part around basically, your flotation should get together, then you go, oh, crap, this isn't what I wanted, yeah, the challenge is that unless I mentioned codependency earlier, that most love songs and most movies and media for the last 70, 80 years has been a programming minefield about codependency. You complete me as a measure of Jeremy Guire, but almost every time you get into a relationship, they think somehow the other person is gonna make them feel better, or they have to make that person feel better for them to feel okay. There's all this enmeshed emotional connection that doesn't actually produce results. This phrase has been going forever, relationships are 50 50, and in my book I talk about this, it's no, relationships are not 50 50, they're 100 100, because we don't go in half hearted, we go in full hearted. So in a relationship is not 100 percent of two people, it's 200%, it's 100 percent each, which means that when most people get in a relationship, they're not fully participating in a relationship, it's only half available in a way. So it's one piece is about looking at the other person. The second part is we do get emotionally entangled, but we're not handling our own responsibility for our own emotions. Emotional maturity and emotional mastery are skills that most people don't learn. And when we get upset with somebody, it becomes that person is causing my upset, like we said earlier, versus I'm getting upset. What's triggering that? What they did is triggering. Okay. So what do I need to do about that? Because the truth is what they did has already happened. It's done. It's history. What I do about it now, what I'm carrying for weeks afterwards, or months afterwards, is up to me to work on. Whether it involves self forgiveness, or having a conversation, or journaling or anything. We're carrying that wounding, there's a saying about how, resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. That's what happens when you're getting upset about another person. You're being more toxic to yourself. The other person may be oblivious to what happened, but you're carrying this wound about something they did, thinking that's the person that's going to fix it. No, it never is. It's up to you to fix it. All the forgiveness work I talk about in my work is self forgiveness. You don't think of somebody else, you think of yourself all the time, because we're the ones that can let ourselves out of that prison cell of judgment. That's a couple of the big pieces in relationships, misconceptions. I've got more, I think.

PMD: 23:04

Forgiveness is such a vast topic. And I've been diving in deep into the pillars of self forgiveness for some time now, and they're incredibly important. The thing about holding on to resentment is that it can build up inside of you to the point that when you scratch, like an itch, it just keeps popping back up. And if you don't deal with it consciously, it ends up sneaking into your unconscious where it can wreak havoc without you even realizing it. Have you ever noticed how sometimes you might lash out your partner in anger only to regret it later when it's like those feelings weren't really under your control at the time and that's because they haven't been properly addressed and neutralized in your semi-conscious, which then get expedited into the unconscious. So you haven't dealt with that. You haven't neutralized that beforehand. And speaking of patterns, let's just talk about codependency, which I know is a major focus of your work and it is such a crucial topic because it involves one partner relying too heavily on the other for emotional support and validation or even their own sense of identity. Can you explain what codependency is, what does it mean in the context of a relationship?

BS: 24:25

Sure. To put it in chronological terms, because most of us, our parents and grandparents were living in co dependent relationship. That's the way it was. Back until the fifties and sixties in the Western world, most relationships have been built on co dependency because the woman wasn't on her own two feet. She was basically courted from the house she grew up with her parents by the man who was going to marry her and he would take her out from their house to his house. And it wasn't until 1971 that women had their own bank accounts and credit cards, if I remember correctly. So it was literally co dependent because there was not an ability for independence for each person. And so co dependence was built in, baked into our societal structures, because the woman was dependent literally on the man to take care of her. He was the breadwinner, he was the householder, she was the housekeeper. But in a sense, the family dynamic was, she raised the kids and the family, he did all the money making, so that was the way it was back then. But then we had the sexual revolution women's liberation movements, the feminist movement of the 60s that came around, and early 70s, where women went, hang on a second it wasn't quite like that, but the idea was women basically got their independence, they took back control of their own lives and destiny. So they started to do their own thing, I remember back in when I was a kid, Twiggy was the epitome of the liberated woman. She was dressed basically. She was flat chested. She had a short haircut. She had these broad shoulder jackets on like men's suits. Women became very much like the men in the business world. They started to go to work, but they copied the model. It was already out there. That's one thing we do as humans we copy things a lot. So women basically got independent and men were independent at the same time. This is like in the seventies and eighties. And dating became almost like a battleground, because women were in charge of their own lives, men were in charge of their own lives, and it was very much independent, so from co dependence to independence, for about 25 years, give or take, I remember that dating period very well. What we're coming into, which is the next evolution, because independence doesn't work in a relationship either, because it's too separate. Co dependence is too enmeshed, so the third option, which is the next level we're coming into, is what's known as interdependence. Because interdependence is two independent beings, energies, people, who find ways they can help each other, serve each other, and be supported by each other that doesn't take away their independence. And that's what we're moving into. And part of this journey, which I was going to dump into earlier too, is that codependent patterning we learned as kids. I talked about this recently we are sponges basically when we're born as if we don't come in with any knowledge, any insight, we don't come with a user manual or any guidance on how we're supposed to live life. And as an early infant, we learn how to move at function by watching the big people, the adults around us, our parents. And so that gets filed away, all those things we watch and learn and observe. We're not like making notes in a notebook, because again, we don't know to do that stuff. But our unconscious mind is doing the same thing. It's journaling in a way, taking in, recording all the ways people act, like the adults. And so we tend to take on, and take in, beliefs about how relationships work by the way our parents do or don't do relationship well. So that gets filed away into our unconscious filing cabinet, so to speak and then we grow up and become an adult. We have discernment, we have choice, and we start to decide to believe things the way we want to. Whatever that is, good, bad, or indifferent. I know I had my own journey in that. But as an adult, we start going to relationships and as we get into relationship, what happens is the unconscious filing cabinet that we didn't know about, or don't remember about because it's unconscious. It's underneath the radar, controlling our relationship choices, which is why a lot of people, when they get into early relationships, tend to notice that they're dating someone like their parent, or they start dating people, they start acting the way their parents did in a relationship, and they're wondering, why is that happening? Why am I doing this? Because they're not aware of it yet. So part of the work, the big work I do with codependencies is to undo the the cap on this or unlock the final cabinet with the unconscious programming. So they can start saying, you know what, that's not true for me anymore. I'm going to change that. I don't know if that's a big answer to your question.

PMD: 28:06

Not at all because you've dedicated yourself to disrupting codependent patterns and helping people thrive in life and enjoy healthy relationships. And I think what you were talking about was why these patterns form, but my next question is, how can they be overcome?

BS: 28:21

Ah, you want the secrets? No.

PMD: 28:27

Give us a flavor or an insight without giving the game away.

BS: 28:30

The first part in my work is always awareness is the first step, like being aware of the facts. Hang on a second. Oh, hang on a second. I'm now remember that my parents did this when I was a kid. And part of it is to really, in a way, almost reparenting, because what's happening is that younger self is still driving the ship, or the boat, or the car, whatever you call it, in our lives. So what we need to do is not to erase it, because that's who we are, but to change the choices that we're making. So it's almost rewiring the unconscious belief system. It can be done through different methodologies, but the idea is we rewrite what's in the filing cabinet. So we change what's in there, so then we don't make the same patterns anymore. We break the cycles or break the patterns. Sometimes, and this is one thing that's wonderful, sometimes we break hereditary patterns, because the truth is, what we're learning about our own life, our parents didn't learn that when they were young. They did the same thing when they were kids, and so did their grandparents. Those patterns that we may be interrupting, if it's a really nasty one, maybe it's an abuse or addiction pattern, we could end up breaking a cycle that goes back generations in our own lineage, which can be pretty powerful work.

PMD: 29:28

Think this is really important because the significance of our current times, this current era lies in the potential for cultivated and awakened awareness. And not everybody will embrace this awakened and cultivated awareness because this heightened state of consciousness offers a unique opportunity for all of us to rectify our past shortcomings and unlike proceeding generations we now possess the information and perceptual latitude to affect meaningful change. But with this new found awareness, there also exists and we have to be mindful of this is there's a tendency to transition from an observation of something to the story or to the narrative and then arriving at a conclusion almost instantly, like in a nanosecond. Consequently, it becomes imperative to deconstruct disruptive behavioral patterns, such as codependency and put discernment to work in terms of the implications because navigating these patterns means that we need to have a meticulous examination of their origins, their prevalence, and their influence, whether it's manifested through expressions of anger, withdrawal, or shame. These patterns demand a vigilant mitigation to prevent perpetuation. So in the realm of interpersonal relationships particularly romantic ones, the cultivation of a robust self relationship with one's own inner community for me assumes paramount importance because by establishing a foundation of self-love introspection we can project an aura of authenticity and confidence, which will then attract much more enriching and profound connection. yes. So the quality ones, romantic relationships will be inherently linked to the depth of their self understanding and acceptance. Can you elaborate on how developing a strong self relationship impacts the quality of one's romantic relationships?

BS: 32:03

Yeah. I mentioned earlier about the codependency piece is when we start to learn how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, those hooks of codependency are not so readily enacting in our lives. So we don't go into relationships where we think we're going to get something from somebody to make us feel better. That piece alone is a big shift. The other part also is, and this is a big one for a lot of people, is when they discover that being alone does not mean lonely, then when they're being alone, they can work on themselves and be in a place where they actually love their time with themselves. So they don't choose partnership out of feeling lonely. They choose partnership out of, okay, I now want to expand my life, have more value in my life. Shift and that understanding is really the result of doing the work. Just go back to one thing I didn't say earlier about these younger programs. Those patterns we have that go into, needing to be, to sulk or to hide or to be angry with those things are, the truth about those things is none of them are there as intentional wounding of ourselves. Those are actually parts of ourselves that believe they're taking care of us. We have this whole committee inside of aspects of pieces of work inside of ourselves that are basically doing their job and internally, I believe is very true is each aspect we have in our psyche and our understanding or unconscious is always doing the best it can to make us safe. And so what we think is a bad pattern, we don't say, Oh, I should fix that and break that. It's no, I understand what's happening is that what's going on is a intention to be safe. But then how can you change how it's doing it so you can be safe in a very positive way? Because most of our behaviors and defense mechanisms are intended to keep us safe, but they may not exhibit themselves very well. So that's one piece. I want to just finish that piece off. But again, to be in a healthy relationship and to be passionate about relationship is to really make your life worthwhile. What are you doing in your life? If you're sitting on the corner waiting for someone to show up, your knight in shining armor or your, queen to show up, whatever it is you're looking for, are you really fulfilling your life now? Don't wait for them to show up. Most people have unfortunately doing their engine is an on idle. They're not driving like full on having the life go. Frankly, for most people. I was actually talking to a friend of mine recently said this happened to her. she met her partner while she was doing what she loved doing. She wasn't looking for a relationship. She wasn't a dating app. She wanted to be doing something she loved doing. And this guy just happened to cross paths with her, literally and it's interesting they had some conversations. Now they're married. When you live your life fully and you own your life and enjoy your life, first of all, you won't be so needy for somebody else because you're feeling full, but secondly, you'll actually be in your joy and in your fulfillment, which makes you more attractive. When you do things that fulfill you, and you love doing what you're doing, when you meet somebody You come across from a much more whole place again, not codependent, but interdependent. And also, you all shine and be more visible, but maybe they wouldn't have seen you before as you were doing this. So it's worthwhile to really put your energy into your own life first, and then watch the magic happen.

PMD: 34:48

Yeah. I really resonate with that notion because investing in oneself is truly vital. Back in the day, there was this stigma around self investment. It was like, If you treated yourself or took time for self care, you were labeled as selfish or indulgent. It's like wanting a simple massage was considered a luxury reserved for the elite, but we fast forward to today and it's a whole different story. Getting a massage or indulging in self care activities is just part of our routine like grabbing a cup of coffee. It's become totally normal. So. When we're still stuck in that old school mindset. I think it's crucial to shift gears and embrace this new conversation around self investment. And speaking of embracing change your book 50 ways to love your lover is all about fostering, passionate, fulfilling relationships. So I'd love to hear about some of the key principles from your book that have made a difference in your clients' lives. Can you highlight a few key principles that have had a profound impact on your clients lives?

BS: 36:04

Boy, which ones did I pull first? Some of which we talked about the codependency stuff, about really putting yourself first. One of the things I talk about in the is I took this as a model of why relationships sometimes end. I use the model of the rubber band experience in a relationship. So basically in a relationship there's always some level of tension if it's a good relationship. It's going to be something that's not just lazy, it's going to have some energy in it and that tension is what keeps the relationship alive and exciting and that sort of thing. What happens though is that during life things happen and one of the partners in the relationship may decide that they want to grow, they're fed up with how they're feeling, so they want to go to the gym to start working out, or they go start doing yoga, or they go to a meditation retreat, or they just change their diet. Something could happen where the life changes and the quality of the life changes. When it does, it puts a great attention on that relationship, it pulls the relationship further apart because one partner's changing. If the other person in the relationship changes too, to match that, because they go, I want some of that too, then great, the relationship just grows and it becomes elevated. When the second person doesn't change, that's when the things get interesting. Because the tension is getting greater in a relationship, and the one who changed started doing something different and wanted to do different things, if they look at what they're doing and look at their relationship, decide that partner is more important to them than what they're doing, which is very rare, but does happen, they'll go back to the way they were, they'll stop exercising, whatever it is, be comfortable again. So the tension will be reduced back to normal. But the thing is, again, one of the options is that if they grow and the other person grows with them, great the relationship goes that way. But most times what happens when one person grows, the other person doesn't, the roman breaks. The relationship has to end because there's no way the two people can be together anymore because they've changed their paradigms. They don't fit in the same conversation anymore. So that's one of the chapters. It's really about honoring yourself in relationship because one of the other chapters talks about how being in a relationship is about honoring yourself. Because when you do that, you can be more honorable as a partner.

PMD: 37:49

With your extensive training and experience, including the master's degree in spiritual psychology, which we spoke about off air, because I thought, that's an interesting degree and you've helped thousands of people learn to love themselves and live in wholeness. Yeah. Can you share for listeners, I know we've touched on this, but can you share some practical steps or exercises that listeners can implement to begin their own journey towards self love?

BS: 38:18

When you get upset, stop and notice. So as soon as you can, after the feelings come up of upset, where it's vindication, where it's anger, whatever it is, just stop for a second and notice. Just notice what happened and notice where you are, because if you can do that much alone, you started the journey, you've already changed the course. You've changed the future, so to speak, because you're not caught in the same old cycle again and again. So that's one thing you can do. They can really start you on a new paradigm.

PMD: 38:42

You know that moment when you're right in the thick of things and suddenly bam you're triggered, it happens to all of us. Now, the real question is how would you put the brakes on that train of thought? Is it something you can train yourself to do like a skill because let's face it, not all strategies are created equal, like not all steps are created equal. And what we need is a practical approach. Something that feels real and applicable to our lives. So how do we make that interruption happen in a way that resonates with us personally, because you can tell yourself to stop and recognize what's going on and I've definitely used that tactic myself after some serious self-training, but how do others develop that same level of awareness? What's the secret sauce to cultivating mindfulness in the heat of the moment.

BS: 39:37

You've got to start where you start. My whole philosophy in teaching this is that you may notice three days later. So I'm not saying do it immediately, but the key thing is that when you do notice it, even if it's after it's happened, it's already died down and you've already had the pain and suffering of it going through it. You've noticed you know what? I'm going to do it early next time. Maybe next time you do it two days after it happened, it's incremental because what you're doing is you're becoming more aware of yourself. And it's the continual journey of awareness. Yeah, to do it when it happens is not necessarily the first step. Some people are good at it and they just jump right in. Great. Thank you for saying that. But for most people, it is an incremental process starting where you start. And it can be way after it's finished going, you know what, next time I want to catch it a bit earlier. And if you just simply say that's what you want to do, like setting intention, you may discover the next time it happens, you catch it right after it happened. Maybe you catch it in the middle of it. But wherever you do the key thing is to be self aware because things happen with other people, friction, like sandpaper rubbing against each other is going to be upset some things that happen between you. But if you can watch your own emotional reaction, the sooner you can start changing how you react, but it comes back to awareness again and again, I'll keep using this term all the time. Simple awareness is, as one of my teachers said, simple awareness is often curative. By being aware, you can change the result. But it can start with way past the point, but you've got to start where you start and then back up earlier and earlier. So then you get to the point where you go, hang on a second, I notice this is about to happen again. Because the key power of this is when you notice the upset about to happen and you go, I know this feeling. I don't need to do that now. That's real power.

PMD: 41:03

Diving deeper into that topic and elaborating on it. It's crucial because whilst learning techniques are valuable, I see many people teaching techniques, there's something truly transformative about experiencing it firsthand, having a visceral experience because that leaves a lasting imprint both on neurological pathways and physiological responses and this visceral firsthand experience allows individuals to seamlessly integrate these teachings into their daily lives, making them much more relatable and applicable. And as they cultivate this inner strength and awareness it gradually becomes second nature rather than the delayed realization that only hits days later. So your insight resonates deeply because personally I've been in that situation where I've only grasped the lesson in hindsight which is a wonderful thing, but not so great unless you have foresight and insight. and it's a missed opportunity for growth. So yeah. Starting from where we are and our journeys essential.

BS: 42:14

Yeah, that's the key is, as you said, it's like it is visceral. It's very much, you start with your start and as you said, and I agree with you, I wasn't good at this from the beginning. It took me a lot of practice, a lot of steps to get to this point. And I'm still, as I said, the email I did I called that one after I did it. So I didn't know perfectly that time. So I'm not on a pedestal doing this. I learned what I learned as I learned.

PMD: 42:33

What do you mean? You're not illumined and enlightened. Perfect. Oh my god.

BS: 42:37

That's just the tan from being in the sun.

PMD: 42:41

Oh, that's funny. Many of your clients are strong and successful women who seek balance in love, life and business. What are some common challenges they face in finding this balance? What advice would you give to those striving to harmonize these aspects of their lives?

BS: 43:00

One of the biggest things for my clients, for women in this state, is basically because they've worked so hard to get to the level they're at. They've climbed the ladder, they've done all the work, they've got themselves set up in a very high level, and they don't meet men that honor them at that level. So one of the things is the first one is they either one meet men who don't respect them for who they are and what they've done, or they try to put them down because the men want to be in charge. So there's this diminishing thing that happens. So those things aren't healthy. So those are the relationships they don't want to have. So it's a way of how women can own and this is why I didn't work with the feminists so much in my own journey, because being in the masculine was such a game changer for me. So women learn about how powerful the feminine is because in the business world most women succeed by being masculine. They're doing the same thing because the business world was basically created by men and women had jumped into it and copied the model that was there. So most women in business, not necessarily entrepreneurs, but women in corporate work have put on the suit and become like the men. And so they don't know how to soften that without giving up their power. So we work with my clients is how to help them really navigate how to be feminine in their own lives so they can be in the softness and safety of themselves. And when they attract a relationship, but keep the the level of self respect up high they do attract a man who honors them where they are, but also respects them as a woman. And that's the dance that is the journey they go on when they work with me.

PMD: 44:16

Beautiful. That's another huge subject. It's important to say we're really skimming over some of these things with a bit of depth and a bit of power and a bit of potency, but these are really just, percolation. of some of the things in your book and your work and as an inspirational speaker, you have the ability to motivate and uplift others. Do you have a particularly transformative story or experience where you've witnessed someone shift from heartbreak to wholehearted grace?

BS: 44:47

That's an interesting question. It's funny. I'm thinking of who I know who've been through that. The one I can remember most, one of my clients when we first met, she was going through a massive breakup. In fact, she almost fell in my arms. We met physically before we actually became a client. She didn't know I did what I did. She sat down with me and said, by the way, what do you do? It's I do this work. Oh, great. So you became a client that day, but we worked together a few months and what really happened towards the end of that was she really hadn't found this guy. The guy where she was living from she was dependent upon that. He was the light of her life sort of thing That wasn't accurate, but that's what she thought and through working together for a few months she claimed back her own life and she had a daughter. She had a daughter who was in relationship too, but in that time, the conversations, she really started to discover how much power and grace she had and her ownership of her life and her real sense of pride in who she was and her family that she'd built, that the father wasn't in anymore, was such a great confirmation of her truth and her light that was so proud to be part of.

PMD: 45:44

A wonderful story. That's what makes this work so rewarding. Oh, yeah. I know we're in slightly different markets, but at the end of the day it's helping and guiding people and I find it just as rewarding. When you can see, even if they are subjective or even transjective metrics for transformation, where you see someone stepping up and standing tall in their power, but you've also been a witness and a guide to their journey into the rough and tumble of the whole personal development, growth, spirituality journey that people set their feet upon the path. What do you envision the future of your work and your mission to empower individuals to love themselves and cultivate fulfilling relationships? Are there any exciting projects or initiatives on the horizon that you'd like to share?

BS: 46:36

Wow. I think ultimately what I feel like my work's gonna be doing is much more now we come outta the pandemic with everything that's been going on. We get to do more live events again. So I think my work's gonna be much more in front of audiences and working in interactive that way. And the moment I'm building out a group program that hasn't launched yet, but it's coming together, but it's like that's the big step then step before that step before that. Right now literally I'm getting my site finished rebuilding.'cause it was messed up by a previous designer. So that was been two years, two and a half years of a really handicapped site. So it's now finally getting redone. So hopefully next month or so it'll be up and running the way it's supposed to be. I'm creating a relationship readiness assessment for people who are single who want to really discover what might be in the way for them. Because that's the biggest piece and if I give them the assessment, first of all it gets them clear about where they are. It also gets clear if they want to work with me or not, because that'll give them some clarity. So those things are going on. I've got my own collaborative conversations I have on my two podcasts that I co host with two friends. One of them is very entertaining and fun to do. The other one is stretching me. So they both give me different perspectives along the way. So basically I'm continuing the journey and enjoying life on the way I'm doing it.

PMD: 47:38

Where can people find you?

BS: 47:40

The good thing is most of my social media is my name. So my name, Barry Selby, is where you can find me on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn Twitter or threads, my site's my name as well, Barry. So again, patients are still coming together. You find me on the podcast platforms under my name. And if you go to my site soon, I'll have the relationship readiness assessment up and running. My book's on Amazon. So they find me all over the place.

PMD: 48:01

What's your podcast called?

BS: 48:03

One's called Let's Talk Dating, which is basically about dating and getting together. The other one's called Relationship Mastery. Two different people that found me and we just started collaborating. Relationship Mastery is the newer one, so just in terms of the experience, I discovered that the Let's Talk Dating one started as a live stream, we did it for about two years. But now it's up on the podcast, it's very relaxed and very easy going, we have a great rapport. The other one, which is Relationship Mastery, is only about 30 episodes so far, we're still getting to know each other, so it feels a little bit less. It feels more proper. I'll say it that way. Because she's also English as well. Sorry, Welsh. So we're both non Americans. So it's fun that we're doing that podcast. But the other one that's still dating is the one we've done probably 140 episodes. It's a really fun conversation we've done for years and she and I have a great rapport. We've done it for quite a while.

PMD: 48:50

Do you have any last words?

BS: 48:52

To quote Shakespeare to that own self be true. Most people in a relationship forget that little mantra. But if you start there with putting truth to yourself and living for your own place first, everything else gets a lot easier.

PMD: 49:03

And what's your definition of love?

BS: 49:05

Oh, it's a way of being in life that is uplifting, positive, helps heal, that allows joy and freedom to express more fully.

PMD: 49:14

Thank you so much for all the valuable steps. that you've given us today, especially on codependency. People are looking to break free from codependency and shedding light on this important topic and I think it's essential to bring awareness to codependency and its impact on relationships. It's another huge subject. We need to remember that healthy relationships. are built on mutual respect, support, communication and individual growth and if you suspect or you know someone who's in a codependent relationship, then don't hesitate to seek help.

BS: 49:48

Yeah. Wise choice.

PMD: 49:50

Cause it's detrimental to the health of relationship. I want to thank you so much. It's been a real honor and a privilege to dialogue with you and I feels this is surface what we've talked about, although there's some deeper aspects that we could talk about further, but I want to thank you for coming on the transcendent minds podcast and giving us a flavor of your work and your books.

BS: 50:17

Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure to be here, so I appreciate the opportunity. Thank you.