This week on the Life After podcast, I am going to share about why I stayed in relationships where there was intimate partner violence for far too long, some of the factors that got me into those relationships in the first place, and some of the things I did to heal from that so that I could be in a healthy, safe relationship.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You've seen these public service campaigns before why did you stay? And that's often a common question. Now that I am on the other side of that and I have a healthy relationship and I have healthy friendships and things like that. When you are in a healthy relationship, you don't ever question your safety. You don't ever question if it is healthy because you just know that it is.
I understand it's confusing if you are fortunate enough to not have had any experience with intimate partner violence.
So, the first thing I want to back up on is what got me there, the question is why did you stay, why did you get in a relationship in the first place? And for me, and I didn't understand this probably until my thirties, actually, I had experienced significant amounts of trauma in my early childhood. A lot of the messaging that I received when I was a kid was, Well, if you didn't act this way, then this wouldn't happen. Well, that's the reason why you don't have very many friends. You deserve to be treated in a poor manner. You deserve to receive emotional abuse , physical abuse and things like that.
For me, being a young child, and I don't think that my experience is isolated, when you receive these messages over and over and over and over again, for me, I really internalized that. I really internalized a ton of shame. I internalized a lot of responsibility that wasn't mine. I
So the first thing that I really internalized, and years the therapy and looking back, I get this, that I had to act, be, do a certain thing to hopefully be treated okay. I didn't really believe that I had an inherent worth and an inherent right to be treated with respect and have my own boundaries.
The other thing that happens is this compound of shame, at least this was true for me.
When I was in relationships where there was violence, emotional, physical, or otherwise. It just added so much more to my shame that I was doing it again. I was doing something to make people treat me in this way.
And the truth is that it takes many, many years for people to begin to treat people in an abusive way.
Lundy Bancroft has this excellent book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Men. And one of the things he talks about in there is, and I'm paraphrasing, it's been a bit since I've read this book, but this has stuck in my mind for several years after I've read this, is that at our core nature, we want to have positive connections.
We want to kind of be like this idea of a good human. And when we are taught over and over and over and over and over to cross people's boundaries, it's the same way he likens it to when you're trespassing across someone's property.
You know, the first time that you go across, the path isn't worn through there. But if over and over and over and over again you trespass on someone's property, eventually you're going to make a path through there. And that shortcut is going to be the easiest way for you to get where you want to go. And what he explains in that book is that for people who do end up choosing to be abusive to their partners or to other people, they have learned for years and years and years and years that it is acceptable to cross people's boundaries.
And it is acceptable essentially just to do, you know, whatever, whether it's Physical violence, emotional violence withholding of resources to get what you want, and it becomes a pattern. And once it's established, it's almost impossible to get back out of that because, one, it's not the nature that we're born with, and two, because it took so long for that pattern to be ingrained, that to get out of it, he said that in his work, he works with perpetrators of violence, specifically men, and that it's like a 1 percent recovery rate, just to give you an idea.
So, not understanding that, having had years of this messaging, I just carried so much shame. I seriously, I thought it was my fault. I didn't understand. And it took my own self worth even lower every time I would have another relationship where I experienced some sort of violence. And it, it, it just created this very very vicious cycle.
Now, I can understand this now that I have done. Years of therapy and have some good self reflection looking back, but I didn't just continue this pattern of choosing relationships like this when it came to intimate partners. I also chose friendships where these patterns were very present. I was also choosing churches, religious institutions where these patterns were really present.
There's this very real factor that many places of organized religion truly fuel the cycle of intimate partner violence by sticking to these hard lines of the man's in charge, the woman needs to submit, and this very strong patriarchal message, definitely feeds domestic violence, and if you really dig into scriptures, that's not what it's saying at all.
A lot of the reasons why I stayed was that when I was reaching out to my pastors, elders,
These are some of the things they would say. Well, if you were just more respectful, then, that wouldn't happen. In this short little time that we've had together, that's patently false. People are disrespected every day, and they don't choose to act in any sort of way that could be construed as violence, that could be construed as abuse coercion, any of that. A healthy response to disrespect is something like, Hey, that really bothers me that you said that. Can we talk about it?
Can you help me understand where you're coming from? And can we figure this out so that when we're communicating with each other, that there's not any hurt feelings? And if you can't have a conversation like that, then really take a look at your relationship. Because a healthy relationship lets you have those conversations.
A healthy relationship lets you say, hey, that really bothered me, and hey, we need to talk about this. There's not blaming, and each person has ownership of their own actions and their own words
Other things that I was told by religious leaders. Well, you know, if you just did a better job keeping up the house, then he wouldn't be so frustrated with you. My brain hurts when I think back at some of these things that I was very truly told by religious leaders. For one, when you're in a household... both people have a responsibility for it. You can be frustrated if you feel like there is an imbalance, and you can have those conversations and you can sort that out so that there's equity in how much responsibility each person is carrying.
Again, it's not an excuse for mistreatment on either end. It is an opportunity for a conversation.
Another thing that I was told was, Well, if you're afraid of your husband, then you're not praying enough, and you don't trust Jesus. Full stop, the only conversation that should have happened from that pastor was, I am so sorry that you aren't safe. I'm so sorry that your children aren't safe. And we're gonna make sure that you are safe.
And have gotten some real support in there, because when you do leave, it's the most dangerous time. That's not a time for victim blaming if someone comes to you and says that they're not feeling safe. That's something to be taken seriously.
I can remember another time taking a police report and having one of the elders of the church tell me, I don't even need to look at that. The real problem is that you guys just never got along and I'm not even sure what you're trying to show that to me.
It takes a lot for someone who's experiencing intimate partner violence to reach out in the first place and to try and get some help. Please be safe and don't shut it down if someone comes to you and shows you something like that.
Take the time to see them, to hear them, to validate their experience.
Another thing I was told by the pastor in my church was that all of these things were happening because I was not being sexually available enough. Again, that's just ridiculous. Intimacy really comes from safety and it comes from emotional intimacy.
So, again, that's not even the conversation. It's victim blaming. It's putting responsibility on the wrong person. And, frankly, it's a little bit weird that that would be the advice that you would go to, rather than taking a look at the dynamics of the relationship and things like that.
That's a very short synopsis . Many years hearing things like this, it just reinforced a lot of the beliefs that I had internalized as a child, and it kept me in those relationships far longer than I needed to be.
It is very hard, and I want you to understand that if you're on the outside looking in at someone who, is continuing to stay in a relationship that you know isn't healthy, that you know isn't safe, and you're kind of scratching your head wondering what's going on, and you're frustrated with them.
You have, one, no idea what their internal dialogue is. You don't know what they're being told by their religious leaders. You don't know the level of harm they're at risk for if they leave. It's very complicated and it does require professional assistance to get out of that, first of all, and two, to recover.
I'm very, very thankful for the domestic violence agency that helped me navigate the court proceedings when I was filing for a divorce that really heard me, that really held no judgment, and really helped me to understand what healthy relationships were .
The other thing that, really helped me gain my self worth.
To me the recovery from intimate partner violence is to really recover your self worth is for one, I was a class that it was the Compos', Chantel and Carlos, they had this class and it was getting yourself ready for marriage. I can just remember them over and over and over again saying, you're worthy . You're worthy of this. Figure out your worth. Settle into your own worth. Practice having that self worth, practice those boundaries. That was extremely helpful for me to be guided in that and be reminded of my worth and to have a safe place to figure out oh, this is what healthy dynamics are, this is, what it's like to be respected by someone. As part of the classes, we'd have calls with each other and we'd just practice talking about what are our goals? What are our interests? Things like that. And it was extremely helpful.
The other thing that was very helpful for me, and a lot of the traditional healing practices, what a lot of people call woo, was very taboo in those churches and After the experiences that I had church didn't feel safe. It's a weird place when you have your beliefs and you don't have a community where you feel like you can exercise those beliefs and feel safe. It was a weird place to be in as I was sorting out my thoughts and you know recovering from this and getting myself to a better place.
When I allowed myself to be open to those communities. It was just like that class that I had taken about relationships. It was love. It was acceptance. It was respect. It was, I hear you, I see you, I believe you. And it did so many things for me that I could never give the right words to that. When I worked with Reiki practitioners, and they explained different things and they explained the energetics it allowed me for one to connect to God in a way that was safe and it helped me understand a little more how the experiences that I had, how it impacted my energetic person, that other part of myself and gave me some ways to heal. .
I have a body work person that I've worked with and having her explain the emotional connection to different reoccurring pains that I was having. It helped me understand in a different way. It validated my experience. It allowed me to release some of those experiences and memories and understand how deep of an impact those experiences had had. '
And practically speaking, there were so many times that, illnesses, moves, things like that we just really needed a little bit of help. And the people that showed up were not the church people. They were not going to be part of an organized religion. Getting that community back in a different way it was very healing and experiencing those safe relationships making safe connections. It's very, very healing. And I think that's something that you can do for people that for whatever reason, you just feel like their relationship isn't safe, to be available to them as much as possible, and be a safe person, and model that, be curious about their experience when it's safe to ask those questions, refer them to some professional help. Just maybe don't give them the blame for it, because it's very complex .
That is my experience, and there are still things that I will be unlearning and relearning and healing from, I feel like for my entire human experience on earth.
It's important to have these conversations and it's important to put a voice to this.
If you have your own reasons why you stayed and would like to share your story with me I would be very honored to share that at. You can DM me on instagram It's at become you coaching all words Because I think the more we can have these conversations hopefully the less that these things will happen.