Brave Sober Moms- Leona Shell

Leona used alcohol, pills, and weed to cope with her internal chaos and early childhood trauma. Throwing up on her dog led and choosing to drink again the next day led her to a moment of clarity that sobriety was what she truly wanted.

Finding a lack of support for young moms in recovery, Leona created a community of Brave Sober Moms. This community provides a safe space and tons of free tools for moms to recover together.

Other Recovery Resources:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/
https://www.aa.org/
https://na.org/
Call 211 for local resources in your area

Transcript

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Amber: So currently you run a community called Brave Sober Moms. So do you wanna introduce yourself share your story. 

Leona: My name's Leona and I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I do run a brave sober mom community and support group to help moms align with their highest sober self.

It's a lot about self discovery and it's based off of my journey and I did a recovery program, but I felt like there were a lot of holes that needed to be filled. And so that's kind of what the Brave Sober Mom group is for, is just that extra to fill in the holes that recovery programs have. 

I've been sober since June 21st, 2015. Which is mind boggling to me because I started using and [00:01:00] drinking pretty young. About nine or 10 I started sneaking cigarettes and then wine out of my mom's wine box. And it, it really was just humble beginnings. I really didn't know what they would do for me in the long run. I just saw that it was something that my parents did to wind down.

I have always been someone who feels irritable, restless, and discontent with who I was. I'm pretty raw. I'm real , so I, I'm gonna just put it out there I ended up having a SA before I was two. So having that happen at such a young age I had a lot of hate and self shame right out of the get go.

 It was like I had no chance to even learn how to love who I was. One of my biggest memories, you might have heard influencers or coaches talk [00:02:00] about helping your inner child. The inner child that I go to is when I was four, I remember looking in the mirror and wishing I could cut off my cheeks because I felt like they were too chubby and I just remember being in the hall, looking in the mirror, what I was wearing. So that is the inner child that I go to help whenever I go back to that space. My point being right off the get go, I was not happy with who I was. I was willing to be whoever other people needed me to be because I didn't feel loved.

Of course, my parents did love me but it was based on the amount of love that they could give based off of how they love themselves. If you've heard of the five Love Languages, people love in the way that they receive love, and it's not so much the way that you receive love on top of the SA, it was just a mess.

Amber: I have an expanded ACEs score of [00:03:00] 17, so lots of things happened. Learned very young to not like myself. I started binge drinking at 13 because I didn't know how else to deal with it. Two decades ago no one talked about trauma and no one talked about inner child work no one really had these conversations, which is why I think it is so important to share those stories and make it feel less like you're the only one that that happened to. 

Leona: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It is so important that we share this because it's a part that makes us feel so lonely when it's not talked about, and we just can get so wrapped up in shame about it. You know, the fact that I was willing to become a chameleon for anybody to like me, it just kept going in all grades, you know, and then of course you change friends and it's just trying to figure out where you fit in.

My parents ended up getting divorced, so there wasn't that family unit to try to fit into anymore. It was just havoc. That's kind of when [00:04:00] I started sneaking the stuff. I got the idea that it was gonna help me feel better. And at first I wasn't really that into it.

But it was something that I still went to, if that makes any sense. I thought it tasted disgusting, it hurt my lungs. But then as I got older and into school, I started learning that other kids my age were doing these things and it seemed like something that I can connect with people with.

So I started actually doing those things, not so much by myself anymore, and sneaking 'em and doing 'em in the, in the closet or in my room or in the playhouse, but now I'm doing it with people. That's really when I started realizing that it shifted how I saw myself around other people.

I was still being the chameleon, but I felt more comfortable doing it. I started feeling like I fit in with these people and it really [00:05:00] just escalated from there. I ended up running away from home when I was 14 or 15. One summer I lived in a friend's car and with another girlfriend of mine and we didn't have any money for food.

Like, I remember sitting in the McDonald's parking lot, just starving, and the janitor would bring us a big thing of fries, but somehow we always ended up having a fifth at the end of the night. We ended up scrounging money up to get that and we stayed the night in my friend's car or we stayed the night in tents. 

And then there are pivotal moments in my life where I have kind of woken up and just being like, okay, this isn't, this isn't for me. This isn't what I want. And I'm grateful for those moments. I did end up finding a family to live with and they honestly were doing the best they could. There were a lot of pills there, there was a lot of LSD and a lot of weed- it was a [00:06:00] family unit though.

It was what I craved and these were the people doing the things that I wanted to do to feel okay, you know what I mean? So I felt a kinship with them and I stayed there for almost two years. Then I ended up overdosing on acid and ecstasy.

So, so many pills. And I just kind of realized again that that wasn't for me. I ended up getting into this school that kind of helped me along since I had dropped out and ran away and, I had to have a job in order to go to this school. It was like a fast paced school, but I had to have a job and and I went for it. I went to school and I worked. But I smoked weed the whole time. I really got into this idea that this was normal. I was being functioning part of society, I was getting my degree whatever. And then I ended up getting two [00:07:00] MIC's. One's one summer in a row. If you don't know, in Alaska, they call it a Minor in Consumption. had to go to a outpatient rehab for at least three months that's where I was introduced to a 12 step recovery program, and I went there.

They would take us there once a week. I remember this lady sharing that she was an alcoholic, but she was literally living under a bridge when she got into recovery she had lost everything . That right there sealed the deal for me that if I was gonna be an alcoholic or like have a problem, I had to have lost everything.

So I just went on my merry way. I drank and I smoked weed the whole time I was in that rehab. I was so willing to continue doing so on top of doing the recovery program that I figured out how to work it. I did end up passing eventually, and I got my my license back, but I was still [00:08:00] doing the thing.

Amber: . Isn't it weird though, how you like make these weird rules when you're, using substances? For me,, I was a binge drinker. . So my thing was if I can work three, four days a week, I'm good. I don't really have a problem. 

So you graduated. 

Leona: I really believe in, and I try to do this now, is, it's the comparison. Well, at least I'm not like as bad as so-and-so. I could have lost my kids. I could have got divorced, I could have whatever, but I'm not . So , it kind of gives me the permission when I compare to keep on doing these things that are wrecking my life. . 

So I turned 21, was in a very abusive relationship on both sides. He unlocked something in me, all that anger, all that rage, and we just went at it and it was hardcore. I decided that that wasn't what I wanted to do and moved on and moved out. By that point, I had already started coping hardcore, cuz now I'm 21 in Alaska. [00:09:00] That's when you can buy alcohol. Now I can support my own addiction, right? I'm not just relying on my mom having stuff in the, in the fridge I'm not relying on anybody else because I can do it all. I can go to work and I can buy my own stuff. Honestly, I really believe that that's why I chose alcohol because it was so available versus any of the other drugs.

 I didn't wanna have to struggle to get these other drugs because it is a struggle, you know? This is something that's legal. It's available everywhere, and it's highly supported by our society. Then they came out with like 99 proof shit and it's just more bang for the buck. 

It really started going downhill. I also had rules cuz I, I ended up going into college and I like you Amber, I was like, I'm just gonna drink on the weekends. Then it turned into I'll drink after seven, after I do my schoolwork. [00:10:00] Then the bar just kept lowering it turned into pre dinner drinks.

The very last year and a half of my drinking, this is what it looked like for me. I was a full-time student. My husband and I was at home because all of my college classes were online. My husband was working 12 to 14 hours a day because that includes like drive time. And so what would happen is I would pull shots out to drink with my husband at dinnertime. He would pass out after eating because he was so exhausted from working all the time. And I would continue drinking and I would drink the whole bottle. Then I would wake up the next day and I would have a couple of hours of just kind of taking care of housework and schoolwork a little bit.

 Then I would drink to where the bottle was where my husband fell asleep so that when he got home to take shots with me again at dinner, it didn't look like I drank that [00:11:00] whole bottle the night before. That went on for a very long time. I tried many, many times before that, controlling it by what I drink, how I drink, the mixtures that I drink, only drinking, you know, at certain times, only drinking on certain days.

And every once in a while I would get control of it where I didn't black out and it was like, yes, it's a win. I really can't do this. But like 95, 96% of the time I was constantly blacking out. I was constantly causing contention in the marriage. He didn't trust me, I was just wasting all the money on alcohol.

And yeah, before I got sober, I was failing in my classes, and my husband brought up divorce because I was just so arrogant and so self-righteous that he just was tired of it. And I don't blame them. , I don't blame it at all.

My last couple [00:12:00] days of drinking, we went out and partied with some friends of ours and I drink one whole fifth of Yeager by myself. I shared the other one with my friend. And then there was also random drinks throughout that. And Sid always had to drive me home because I, I just couldn't go without drinking. I had that I will not drink and drive, which put all the pressure on him. And I ended up puking on my dog cuz she was in the car with us. I ended up puking on the way home. I woke up the next day and we had plans to go fishing salmon fishing, so you gotta get up pretty early for the high tide and I had to clean out my car.

I'm like, this is the last time I swear. This is just so awful. I'm like shaking and sweating and having all the detox symptoms and I was like I'm never gonna drink again. We get to the river and sure as shit, we find [00:13:00] someone who has a bottle and we start drinking with 'em.

 It wasn't very far from the city, it was really just a mile from the city. So we walked to the city and started bar hopping in all their downtown bars. It ended up again with Sid basically having to walk me back to the car and we slept it off. I remember having a moment of clarity in between my sleep cycles and just being like, this is, this is never gonna stop. This isn't I haven't lost everything but I'm about to. And this really just isn't ever going to stop. Luckily I had made a friend who was willing to share with me that she was in a 12 step program and she hadn't lost everything as well. So I had already had my eye on her and like, huh, that's interesting. I really felt God brought her into my life at the most opportune time to kind of show me [00:14:00] what was already stirring in my heart, you know? She was that reflection for me. So I reached out to her and, I didn't want to go to a 12 step program.

I really didn't because I had gone there for family and friends of alcoholicsbecause one of my sister-in-laws has a really bad addiction with meth. I was just in so much pain that my friend took me to that. I kind of already knew like what the 12 steps were. I tell you, this is how arrogant I was. The only reason I didn't wanna do those steps was because I didn't wanna make amends with anybody. That's why I didn't wanna go, I didn't wanna humble myself to be like, I'm sorry for the wreckage that I caused . That in of itself just kinda shows you where I was. I ended up committing to that because I knew that it worked having been connected to that program since I was a teen and then having friends whose parents had gone there. [00:15:00] It had always been in my spectrum of awareness. Now I had this friend and she had been sober for a couple of years and she's who I reached out to and decided that this was gonna be it for me.

For me, if I'm gonna quit drinking, I gotta quit pot, I gotta quit pills, I gotta quit everything because that's part of my story is I would just bounce around. Oh, well I didn't drink this week, but I did smoke pot this whole time. Everybody's recovery is different I'm not saying that that's not okay. I knew for me that I had to end it all, and I seriously thought it was gonna end my life, that my life was over. I wasn't gonna be having fun anymore, going into recovery, and no longer having this blanket security because even though it was painful, it was comfortable. I knew what to expect. So the idea of not living life with it, I just didn't know how.

So from [00:16:00] nine 

Amber: on you really self medicated all of your anxiety, all the chaos in your family, early childhood trauma. It's just this weird space, what do I do now with this extra time and this extra money, and like, they have fun and they're sober. You have to get used to it, it is a foreign concept.

Leona: Absolutely. It is cause you're just like there's way less drama. You know what I mean? it's just so different. It's hard to even imagine that life could be so drastically different. That's what I appreciated about the recovery program, is I was able to connect with other women who were sober and they were able to just show me how to live sober.

I went to all types of conferences and women's retreats and tea parties and dinner parties and all types of shit with these women. Because well, one, I had free time like you were talking about. And two, I just, I had no idea how to live sober. And I really, [00:17:00] really, really wanted to figure it out because I, I desperately wanted to be sober.

I made it. I got my, my one year coin was the day that I found out that I was pregnant with my first son and I got to see him on sonograms. That was a pretty incredible gift. He ended up coming six months later and I got hit pretty, pretty hard, extremely hard with postpartum anxiety. It literally took everything in me to care for him, me, and stay sober. Cuz it was new for my husband as well. So he didn't really understand and I honestly didn't really understand. It was my first baby and it was just so crazy. And I really do not feel like they check enough on Moms . It was such a struggle. It wasn't until I took the depression medicine that they said I could take, that they [00:18:00] realized, oh, something is actually going on for her to want to take this. And so they really started paying more attention to me and I started some behavioral health therapy and I really just decided to plug more into my recovery program cuz that was really all I knew.

And it helped slowly but surely. I was so grateful to have that foundation. I ended up doing all 12 steps within my first year of sobriety. My mentor was like, you just have to get a solid foundation. And I'm so grateful, grateful, grateful that that's how we did it. Because I had these tools and practice and stuff to fall back on in connection with other women in recovery.

 If you're in recovery, about eight to 90% of the women in there are older. They're not younger. I was 30 when I went into recovery and then I was a new mom. Yes, most of them are moms but they're not at the same stage. Right. So the [00:19:00] moms that I knew from just growing up in the same town and the people that I had connected myself with while using, they were all still using, and I felt extremely lonely. Very unsafe not supported at all. It was, it was a very hard time and that was honestly, one of the root reasons why I started the Brave Sober Mom community is because they have support for sobriety. There are things for moms like mops. But being a sober mom, we are totally our own breed because when you're hanging out with a lot of people who don't have addiction issues, they just don't understand and it's okay. Like how would they, you know what I mean? So I really, really, really craved that connection with moms who understood being sober and doing all of those things on top of being a mom.

Amber: I had that same barrier too when I was trying to [00:20:00] meet moms in these circles. I want to hang out with you, but like, If I start using alcohol, I know myself, I know if I start again, like the train's leaving the station, it's not going back to the station. You know? So I think that's challenging too, to try and explain to people that don't understand, thankfully, navigating some of those boundaries.

Leona: Absolutely. And when you're not used to setting boundaries. Right. Cause most of us, you know who did struggle, with addiction, boundaries aren't really a thing. there was always pressure, just the group of people that we were with to either control or manipulate or even just how we were raised because that's just, that's just the frequency, if that makes any sense at all.

Amber: Absolutely. You talked about your early childhood trauma. It was a huge 

Leona: boundary that was crossed. 

Amber: There's a part of you that learned, okay, people just crossed my boundaries and I, there's nothing I can do about it.

Leona: Yeah, you're completely correct. It's just how we start to understand the world and then we, we go into that [00:21:00] survival mode and sometimes that survival mode puts us into manipulating people to do what we want because we feel like if we could get people to do what we want, then we'll we'll be safe. You know what I mean? Versus us doing things that they want us to do. So that's a whole thing. Whole thing. Yeah. And then. So we started that group and it's really just evolved into something I didn't expect it to which is really beautiful.

I, I love it. I wasn't really sure what it was gonna turn into. Really awesome. Sometimes I'll be like, man, nobody's. sure. If it is what's right for some people. Then the next thing I know, I have so many moms being like, I'm so happy for this safe space to come to while I'm struggling to be with other moms who understand and that that is why we are there.

You know, that was the whole point of it. It doesn't compare to [00:22:00] in person. I have dreams and ideas to create a nonprofit and start actually holding meetings around the US for moms in sobriety. But that will come in time.

I ended up having a, a second child. More prepared for that and that was really good. The thing about kids that they don't tell you though, , and I dunno if a lot of people even really know this or get it, is that the kids come to us to help us heal. In their own, personalities they will trigger us in different ways that we have to then work on and face. That has basically been a lot of what the past two years of my life has looked like.

 Before I was basically just trying to survive in motherhood, being sober, and I kind of stepped away from the program for a little bit and it got kind of dangerous. I went really, really close back to drinking, but I'm glad that I knew where to go. I had a girlfriend that[00:23:00] had what I wanted and I ended up changing mentors and it's been a godsend. So that's been my real focus. 

As I started doing some E D M R therapies, I got Reiki certified, which is amazing. Recovery really sets you up for reiki to be a teacher. Just so different because the room that the obsession to drink was it's no longer there. Like now I get to fill it with helping others heal and helping others feel safe and helping others understand their value and their worth. It's just so incredible. We do a thing called the stories of Brave Sober Moms where we have other moms come in and share their story just like this in the group.

And they have opened up a recovery center that's gonna have a detox center. It's just crazy because we were like the people that [00:24:00] hurt people so bad, you know what I mean? Because of survival and not understanding who we were and just being in our addictions. And now we're these people who just thrive to help others.

 It's a really incredible, beautiful thing.

Amber: I took some trauma training and one of the things they talk about in there is advocacy is the highest form of recovery. Thinking of those pivotal moments in your journey, that little girl and sneaking your mom's cigarettes and having to go to rehab when you didn't want to and throwing up on your dog. Now you're at this place where you're changing the story for other people. It is really cool.

Leona: It's really cool.

Amber: One thing I did want to back up a second on. You talked about EMDR and you talked about Reiki and I mm-hmm. That can kind be new. I understand EMDR and Reiki myself, but other people might not. You wanna like, give like 20 second rundown of what those 

Leona: healing tools are.

 EDMR [00:25:00] helps train the neurons in your brain. As events and situations happen to us, our neurons create pathways. So this was painful. So now whenever I feel this, need to go into survival mode, basically. It connects, the body feelings the emotions. All of that is connected to these triggers basically. So what's really cool about EDMR is that it helps rewire those. So you go to the place and it is painful because you're in that trigger. And then the therapist will guide you through and hopefully bring you to a belief that you want to feel about yourself in these types of situations. That has been extremely powerful for me. I really wasn't sure what to expect or what I thought about it. But I, I'm definitely a fan. 

Reiki i s energy healing and [00:26:00] energy being like higher power, God-like energy healing. So we all are energy. We have that light in us and he is using other energy to connect there and to unblock any energy blocks that you have. It works with your chakras, it works with body parts. You can relieve pain. It's really incredible.

Amber: I've used both of those. My therapist explained EMDR is when something traumatic happens, we keep thinking about it, and that it's happening right now, part of our brain and the EMDR helps it go to the right place.

I don't understand Reiki I just know that it works. I think, that's what you're talking about. You're talking about this community and filling in those gaps, especially when you have a lot of trauma, sometimes you can't just go to therapy or just go to a rehab or just go to a 12 step program, sometimes you need three, five. 10, different healing, 

Leona: strategies 

Amber: to give yourself what you need to, not be in that survival mode.

Leona: [00:27:00] Yeah, absolutely. I've used multiple ones. There's sound healing obviously meditation, because 12 steps even hits on that one. All useful as long as you're able to find what works for you. . It's being willing to seek, ask and knock and find out does help you. 

Amber: Do you have, something you're like, I wish that every mom that was in recovery knew this?

Leona: Yeah. What? They have a free guide in the group. There's a lot of free stuff in there. But it's mostly just finding out they are as a person. Whether you're in sobriety or not, it seems to be very common that moms kind of lose their identity in being a mom. And then you get sober and all you know is who you were before you got sober, right? That guide kind touches [00:28:00] on their identity. You get to watch the video and kind of journal about what you take away from it and activities you can do. One of the most powerful things I did was I wrote out 52 things about who I was, and it was freaking hard.

It was hard to come up with that and, but it was so incredible once I did. So I suggest that, in the course as an extra activity to help you connect with that part of you. So that's kind of the theme, is just helping moms, like giving notes to self celebrating what they did or who they are that week.

Really focusing on they are something outside of being a mom and outside of that person who they were during addiction. 

Amber: I can imagine that that start to take some shame 

Leona: away too. 

Absolutely. 

Yeah.,[00:29:00] well, we're moms, so not like a whole whole lot of time, but we have this extra time now that we're not using and drinking and stuff. And it's like, what kind of hobbies do you like? Like hobbies are a thing and they are totally allowed. What do you learn? What do you wanna do? Just kind of gets us out into a bigger picture since we're the ones that bring the magic into our days. 

Amber: I I just wanna make check in with you and make sure that you've shared what you felt we 

Leona: needed to share. 

I just want moms to know out there that they, they do not haveto do motherhood sober alone Brave Sober Mom is a hundred percent free and we have tons of content available for them to pick and choose as they want. And really awesome free tools like affirmation cards that are beautiful. And we're just there to hold space for them.

Amber: Thank so much for sharing.

People can find you on Facebook at Brave Sober Moms and you have a community of safe people.[00:30:00] A ton of resources there if they'd wanna connect with you. 

Leona: Thanks Amber. I appreciate the opportunity to share.