Voices of Fostering

Manda - Creating a Safe Haven

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 23

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, Helen interviews Manda, an experienced foster carer. 

Manda shares her eight-year journey of fostering, beginning with her initial motivations and the transition from her career in accounting. She recounts her first foster children, two Iraqi brothers, and the unique challenges and learning experiences they brought. 

The discussion also details the arrival of a brother and sister duo, focusing on the boy who has been with Manda for seven years and feels safe and part of her family. Manda touches on some of the difficulties, including the emotional strain when the girl had to move to another foster family. 

Despite the challenges, Manda emphasises the rewarding aspects of fostering, the strong support network provided by National Fostering Group, and her fulfilment in seeing foster children thrive. 

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin and YouTube

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of Voices of Fostering, where today I'm joined by one of our lovely foster carers here on the sofa. Manda. Hello Manda. Hello. Thank you much. Thank you for having me. Oh, thank you so much for joining us. It's really, really lovely to have you here. It's nice when I have somebody in person on the sofa. It's very nice. Yeah. Um, so we're gonna learn all about your fostering journey. Uh, what led you to fostering, um, the, I think eight years that you've been a foster carer now, does it It will

Manda:

be

Helen:

this year. Yeah. Does it feel like eight years? It feel less or

Manda:

more? It feels less, although every year when that it's time for your annual review comes round,

Helen:

I'm think like not

Manda:

again.

Helen:

Uh, do you, do you celebrate, you know, when it's like the sort of, uh, do you know what date that you were approved or do you sort of celebrate the anniversary?

Manda:

Um, no. It, we, we, we were swapped at very last minute to go for, to take in long term. Okay. Um, so our date was delayed, so I don't even remember when it was, but it's about eight years. We know that I know. Well, no, it, it's, it should have been May, but I think it's June. We actually celebrate the day the child, the, the children that come to us. So yeah, this year is in March is seven years.

Helen:

Yes. Since you've had one of, one of the children who's been with you seven years now. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll, we'll talk all about about that and about him, but firstly, let, let's go way back.'cause I know that fostering or, or, or caring for children and young people that, that you are not biologically related to is something that from you being very young is something that you wanted to do, isn't it?

Manda:

Yes and no. It, it. I wanted to be an accountant, and that's a whole other story, a bit different, which I did end up doing at one point in my life. But that, again, whole different story. But yes, I started out, um, at 1415, back in the seventies with, um, looking after a couple of children after school just to earn a bit of pocket money. Yeah. Um, and then because. Exam wise, things didn't go as needed, but I managed to get on a nursery nursing course when I was 16. Mm-hmm. Um, and so yeah, so I went into childcare and that was, um, that's been a major thing all through my life. Even then, you know, going on and having my own children and, and that, so yeah, childcare's always been that big part of who I am.

Helen:

Yeah. And then what was it? Eight or nine years ago that inspired you to think, yeah, this, this is what I wanna do. I I actually want to do it now. I want to be a foster carer.

Manda:

Um, I think it, it goes back along. It goes back to the first husband test that sounds really awful. It goes back to the first husband. But, um, I think I've, it's always been there in my mind that that's what I wanted to do. I had three children of my own. Uh, within four years and, um, I lived, I lived abroad and then I came back with them 20 over 20 years ago. And we'd had, um, a period of time my new husband married and kids got through school, went to university, um, and I had a, a career in, in, um, accounting and management of as a charity. So I was busy doing all of that. But as the children were, um, leaving the nest, I think. My husband realized that there was something and we went on a trip to Vegas. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was great. I didn't like it at the time, but in retrospect it was great. Um, he, he sort of said as we were crossing the road one day when we go back, we'll walk into that thing you wanna do. Oh, right. That was that. And, and from my husband. That's a really good conversation. Yeah. So I, I came back and that would've been 2016 and I. Googled fostering NFA came up. Yeah. Um, so I sent an email off, got a phone call, went and met somebody somewhere, and then I think the person was cs, who was, became our social worker that led us through it. And, and then it sort of all unravel from there. And that was it. The ball was

Helen:

rolling. Yeah. Yeah. So can you remember what the, the assessment was like? Did you, did you enjoy it? Um.

Manda:

I don't, I don't really remember a whole massive thing about it. I remember, um, having to fill out forms and having to talk to people and the kids being talked to. So for me, because I'd lived in the Channel Islands and my children had been. Grew up until they were sort of pre-teens there. All my people who knew me and my child rearing skills and I'd had a NA playgroup and I'd been a nanny. All those people didn't live here. So for me, I'd had to contact, I think the NFA found me a bit difficult 'cause they'd had to contact people and my over husband still lives abroad and yeah. Um. So they found me a bit difficult I think because we were trying to connect with the people who knew me. Yeah. But I've got really good friends still there that managed to say that was okay. Um, I think reading the form afterwards was quite interesting. Um, probably didn't realize how traumatic my own childhood had been. Okay. But then you don't sometimes when you're living it, do you? No, it's only afterwards. Yeah. Um, but that didn't stop the resolve. Um, it was interesting with my husband's process because trying to get him to remember anything is a big deal. You know, I asked him questions from his past and he can't remember anything. So that was, that was, could have been torture at times. Um, but no, the, the whole process went quite well. As I say, there was a bit of a twist at the end where we were, we went from just being short term. Emergency and respite to adding long term in, um, which worked well for us because of the way the placements ended up working. Mm-hmm. Um, we wouldn't have had the children we've had and I wouldn't have the lad I have got now if that hadn't happened. Yeah. Because I understand that normally you, you come in and you go onto short term and then at your first review they then consider adding long term on once you've got a bit of experience behind you. Yeah. But they, they made that decision at the sort of that point to. To put that in, which worked well for us. So yeah, it was wasn't too painful. Yeah. I think it's worse once you've got approved and you're sitting there waiting for the child or the children to come. Yeah.

Helen:

Yeah. What's that like?

Manda:

Um, it's, it's difficult. That phone call, office phone call was for two Iraqi, um, young men. Um, and that who didn't speak English, that was a, their whole day they turned up my supervising social worker, their social worker, and these two young men, and I say young men because. They were 15 and 16 and they've got an awful lot of experience. They're not, they were still technically children, but yeah, they traveled, um, through Turkey, through France, obviously came over the channel and ended up in the UK and eventually ended up in Liverpool and with ourselves, but with no English. And they, they spoke, um, Kurdish and I didn't know at the time. There's two different types of Kurdish. Um, there's normal Kurdish, which is the one of the biggest. Languages. Known languages. And then the Sani, which is a small and known curtises language. Right. Okay. And that's the one they spoke. Okay. Um, and I, but I had connections through my, my job at the time to, um, somebody who was, uh, BME, what the. BME community and he gave me, um, some phone numbers and funnily enough, the local pizza, Paul had somebody who spoke S okay. So, wow. We just popped around there to have conversations, so brilliant. Um, and so just had to find where Halal food shops were. Yeah. And how to cook halal and, and different things. Um, sadly that placement only lasted, um. Probably two new three months. That was all due to the situation and how they, they'd come to, they'd been put into independent living and then they'd been deemed to be too young to be in independent living. So put in foster care. Yeah. And then because they didn't want to be. Um, they didn't like that one had to go in foster care and then one who was the older one had to go into independent living, so they were split up. Yeah. Um, and the older one still keeps in touch with me once or twice a year. Oh, nice. Um, but, uh, that, so that was sad. Um,

Helen:

it's a good learning curve. Yeah, I bet it was.'cause I, I've spoken to quite a few people on the podcast now who, who have, uh, fostered unaccompanied asylum seekers and. W what would you say to anybody who was maybe a bit hesitant about doing that type of fostering?

Manda:

I wouldn't, I wasn't hesitant and I wouldn't be hesitant. I think they, I. Everybody's unique. Everyone is individual. Yeah. And these two brothers were very different. One wanted to, he still tells me now, I never wanted to leave you. And he calls me, mama. Yeah. I never wanted to leave you mama. He says, so does he speak English now? English? Yeah. They speak English now English. And they were learning English.

Helen:

Yeah.

Manda:

Um, and the other one is more independent, although younger was more independent and, and, and different, um, and. Just needed different things and you know, so I, I wouldn't, I mean, I think they give so much. Um, as I say, they, they spoke very little English, but we made ourselves understood.

Helen:

Yeah.

Manda:

Um. They, they came over, they came over to all, they were in college and they were learning English and it was, it, it depends on the age as well. I think, you know, it depends on the age that you're taking. These boys were sort of late 15, 16, so there was, they were different. Mm-hmm. Um, and they've all got different needs, but I would say unaccompanied minors probably are some of the easiest children to foster. Yeah. You know, because you are there. Wholeheartedly, and, and then this is gonna sound a bit, you don't have family to deal with. Okay. Yeah. You know, fostering is a juggling act between yourself, the children, and their birth family. Yeah. And you know, although some unaccompanied asylum seekers have family. Potentially in another part of the UK or another part of the world, a lot of them don't have contact with that family. So they're trying to create a new life. Life for themselves. Yeah. And, and with guidance and support and it, you know, the community's very welcoming. I. You know, they might not all understand. Mm-hmm. But you know, if you're there to support and you become part of the community, it's, it's,

Helen:

so as you say, that was only a few months, but that was a few months that you'll never forget,

Manda:

is it?

Helen:

No,

Manda:

I also got pneumonia and ended up in hospital, but that's a Oh wow. It was a few months.

Helen:

It was a right old few months, yeah. Christmas. Oh my goodness. Yeah. And, and how. When life happens like that, as you say, you got pneumonia, you ended up in hospital, how do you, you know, how are you supported by, by your social worker and, you know, you've, you've still got children in your care that, that need looking after.

Manda:

Um, yeah. Well I, I'm very lucky. My children are now all in their thirties, so. Going back then they were in their twenties. And at that point, my you your birth children. My birth children, yeah. Yeah. Um, and they, and fortunately at that time, my eldest child who likes to cook was home and so managed to, to do, to do the, the Christmas Halal Christmas dinner that year. Yeah. Okay. Um, which was a big thing for us because it's not something that we necessarily. You know, you, you think about that, you've got to do, but you know, um, you embrace it all. Yeah. Um,

Helen:

so of course that's your support network, isn't it, obviously. Yeah. My husband is there. When you become a foster carer, you, you have, you know, named people like your older Yeah. Children. Older children or, yeah. That can help out when, when you are incapacitated or in hospital.

Manda:

Yeah. And I look after my, my grand, two of my grandchildren, um, while their parents work now. So having. Young children around with the other children I've got in the house and yeah, even respite children, it's all very part, my, my youngest grandchild, he, um, he often, he often asks either myself or my husband, are we going to pick up some girls from school? And he refers to the bedroom in the house is their bedroom. Yeah. Um. He goes, I can't sleep there. That's not my room. That's their room, he says. So yeah, no, it's all just part of the family. You know, we just, it's just, um, for me it's just quite natural to just have people around and one of those people are like people around.

Helen:

So that was like your first year of fostering and then we know that now you've had, um, your, your foster child with you for seven years. Yeah. Um, so tell, tell us about that. Tell us about what happened in the, in the second year of fostering.

Manda:

So. Um, the call co uh, you get a call and, um, these, so it was a boy and a girl and they were coming together. And brother and sister. Brother and sister. Yeah.'cause siblings was, again, siblings was something I wanted to do. Believe that you should keep siblings together. To the best of your ability. Yeah. If every, if it was working right for everyone mm-hmm. You know, that's a good thing. And these were two siblings of six siblings? Um, two older that were out of care age. Yeah. And two younger that were, um, in, just in primary school. And, um, so we met them. So the call came and we sort of looked up. What we thought were, could we take them? Yes. So we said yes. So we met them the day before they were going to court for their final hearing. And then they were coming to us. They'd been with, taken into care, they'd been with family, and then they were coming once the full court order was taken

Helen:

mm-hmm.

Manda:

To whichever homes were designated to them. Um, so we met. Um, they came around for tea on one night, and then the next day after school they, they got brought with their plastic bags. With their clothes and some toys, and they got brought round and there was the little one who was 10 years old that day. So we dumped the bags, we went down to New Brighton and we went bowling and we went for tea. And then we had a, got to bed a little bit late and then up the next morning and dressed and sent to school. Oh, it was a week. It was a school night. And so that was his

Helen:

birthday that he arrived? That was his birthday,

Manda:

yeah.

Helen:

Wow.

Manda:

Um, and, uh. I always remember not long after they'd moved in, the little ad said to me, he said, I knew when I'd come with you. He said, I knew I was safe. And that's really important'cause you don't think about children not feeling safe. Yeah. You know? Um, plus the fact I gave him chocolate brownies. I think that might have been a deciding fact. Pizza and chocolate brownies. He's still that kind of a lad. Um, so yeah. So they came and, uh. We sort of settled into getting to know them and them getting to know us. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, it's, so we've gone from year five to now six form and, uh, yeah. We're sort of heading towards that 18, that dreaded age, which I, and I find it so sad that at 18, all of a sudden everything stops for them.

Helen:

Yeah.

Manda:

You know? Um, but. He's decided he's staying

Helen:

put. Yeah. So you can get a staying put order.

Manda:

Yeah. Yeah. So we're working. Well, I decided he's staying put, doesn't know the rules yet. It'll be more than just emptying the dishwasher. Um, but yeah, he wants to stay put. We're. He, he's family and, and he knows that. So he's, we're working towards that.

Helen:

And Manda, when you said then that, you know, he told you that he felt safe, you know, I could see you visibly get quite emotional saying that. How, how did that feel when, when he said that to you and that, you know, that that's how you are making children feel? Yeah. It's,

Manda:

it's all you ever want. Yeah. And you don't get it with everyone. Because some children just can't recognize that.

Helen:

Yeah.

Manda:

That you're trying to, I'm not doing it for any other reason than just to make them have some of the things I didn't have. Some of the things they haven't had. Yeah. Um, you know, and he'll say to me sometimes, you know, if I wasn't with you, I wouldn't have, um, I wouldn't have been to. Um, Disneyland, Paris. I wouldn't have, I wouldn't go to Devon and I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't have been to London and I wouldn't have gone out there or wouldn't be bowling every week, and I wouldn't know this. So he understands that he lost his birth family, but he he's gained another family. Yeah. Yeah. And they're not lost to them. He still has contact, but you know, it's not the same living with your bare family all the time. It's really not the same.

Helen:

Yeah. And I know you've had some challenges as well in your story. I know that, um, the, you said you, you had siblings come to live with you. It was decided that the, the young girl would go and live elsewhere and you know that that was a, a difficult process for you, wasn't it? Yeah. And you, you talked, before we started recording, we talked about, you know, the, the feelings of failure that you can sometimes go through. Tell us about that.'cause it can be tough, can't it?

Manda:

Yeah. I mean, she was, she was almost 17. Um, she'd just done her GCSEs and um, again, through, through her experience and her conditions that she'd had, and due to them not being, she, she had a DHD and things not being identified and potential a SD and possibly a learning disorder, they weren't found or. Addressed. And we don't forget, we've had covid in, in between all of this, you know? Yeah. And they didn't like homeschooling. I'm not, I'm too tough a teacher. Um, that was a whole new learning experience for them, you know? Um, but it sometimes you just check. It's, it's learned behavior and we all talk about learned behavior and, you know, even ourselves as grownups, we find ourselves doing things and we don't because it's learned behavior in ourselves. And it's only if we stop and think and consciously want to change it. Yeah. But we've, we've got that understanding of experience to change it. So for young people it's really hard. And, um, she, she was struggling with so many things emotionally, um, and, you know. And she just couldn't take it. And it was impacting on the family dynamics. Mm-hmm. Um, between my husband and myself because she was playing us off. Um, you know, we, as I said, we tried good cop, bad cop, bad cop, good cop on all the rest in between. Um, but it ultimately, it was big impact on, um, her brother who was younger and. And not, he wasn't, he wa he was wanting to grow.'cause at the time he was sort of coming up to, he was 14 and he was coming up and wanting to do things and it's hard to, to give freedom to one child when if you give it to one, do others need to have it. But we'd had situations where she'd gone missing and not come home and we'd had to call the police and mm-hmm. You can't sort of. You have to sort of try and balance things to try and keep it calm. And ultimately it was for his benefit, you know, at school there was fights, she would get into fights with him at school. Mm-hmm. And that was impacting on him. And, uh, she was impacting on any friendships you tried to make. So it was a hard situation to make. Yeah. And it, you do feel like a

Helen:

failure. So in these situations where things can be challenging, do, do you feel like you have a lot of support around you? You know,

Manda:

yeah. I think. I, I, I do feel that, you know, NFA particularly have given, uh, our super, my super supervising social worker. That's a hard word to say. Um, have been really good and, and the, this was a time I actually had a change in SSW and, um. There'd been a situation because she'd made, again, she'd made allegations, and that's a really hard thing to deal with when a child makes allegations within school and the next thing you know is everybody's coming down on you. Yeah. Yeah.

Helen:

We have talked about that on the podcast before and, and that can sound quite frightening for anybody considering becoming a foster carer. Yeah. You have a lot of support around that, don't you? Oh,

Manda:

very much so. Yeah. I mean. I was lucky because of my relationship with my supervisor, social worker, and they under, they understood me and they know how I parent, for want of a better word. Yeah. Or care for, for the children. And they understand how I explain the behaviors. So that what was being said, and I, I, if. One thing that I would always say is to someone is get a good relationship with the school. Never go to the school on a negative. Always try and get to the school on a positive. Mm-hmm. Because if school have got a good a relationship with you, and yes, SW got a relationship with you when allegations come up, whether it's from school or from yourself, or however you've got that ability that everyone knows rather than it being just sort of suddenly a whoop what's going on here. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and there was a change in some. Personnel and she did it again. And my new social worker didn't know the history and so she had to come right back and, and go back. And that was a bit of a, a scary moment.'cause you think, oh, I thought we'd been through all of this. Mm-hmm. But that was just. An understanding then of how this, how the child was reacting to things and how she was gonna go over and over and over. And she wasn't, she wasn't moving past things. Mm-hmm. And, uh, so, but yeah, I have to say the support has always been really good, you know, and if my supervisor, social worker's not been available for whatever reason, you know, you just call the office and there's any team, and, and again, if things are going fine. You know, there's no hassle. Yeah. You know, we want things, we don't want hassle, we just want things to be going well.

Helen:

Yeah. But if, if there is hassle it, it can always be dealt with. Can't say. Oh yeah. It's just life, isn't it? Yeah. These things happen and I think what I can tell from you, the overwhelming thing is that it's all worth it because you enjoy being a foster carer so much, don't you? Yeah. And you clearly get so much from it.

Manda:

Yeah. Sometimes when they, I mean, and it's been right from the beginning, people will assume they're your children. And I think when they assume they're your children, you're doing the job right? Yeah,

Helen:

yeah, definitely.

Manda:

And, um, building up their confidence, um, watching them grow, um, you know, passing exams. Uh, we, we, we do sport. Uh. Temping, bowling, traveling, you know, coming in, in competitions coming, you know, high up. And they both, both, both children did really, really well. Um, so yeah, you know, just watching them achieve and things that they wouldn't have had, doesn't mean they wouldn't have had, they wouldn't have been, it doesn't make them any better, but things they wouldn't have necessarily been, had the opportunity to do. It's all positive thing for them in the end, even if you do let 'em go, and that's something I had to realize is that even letting your sister go, um, she might not understand and she doesn't like me. She tells everyone, she doesn't like me and everyone that knows me thinks, well, you're not looking at it from the right angle, but that's her experience. Maybe one day with a bit more life experience, she'll come to see it in a different way.

Helen:

Yeah. And if anyone listening or, or watching Manda was considering being a foster carer, you know, how would you encourage them to, to go for it?

Manda:

I would. Yes. And, and I, I think also I've met such other foster carers who are lovely and I think it's important to, to know that foster carers there for you. There is a, a WhatsApp group. I don't like WhatsApp groups. I imagine there is a WhatsApp group. WhatsApp group, yeah. But they, they were the ones there. You know, I'm, I'm feeling a bit sad today. Yeah. Puff come back or, you know, I've, I've, I've got another couple of really good friends through it now, and you know, they, they'll phone up. This has happened. I just phone the office, tell 'em what's happened. Everything will be fine. You've done the right thing. Yeah. And just to know that there's somebody that you know, there is always somebody there if it's you. You're not alone. You've got, yes, you've got the office and you have to, you have to do paperwork. Ugh. You have to do paperwork. But it's more important that you just be there for the children and know that there's other people who are out there who've got experience. If you, if you've got a problem, just phone up and they'll just tell you, you're doing a good job and everything's fine.'cause that's sometimes all you need to hear.

Helen:

Yeah. Wonder. I think we'll leave it there. Thank you so, so much for chatting to us today. Thank you. It's been wonderful to hear your story and best of luck with the future. Oh, thank you. Um, I, I don't, we're bowling again this weekend. Yay. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering group and make this the year you foster.