Voices of Fostering

Barney - A 16-Year Reflection

• National Fostering Group • Season 3 • Episode 30

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In this episode of Voices of Fostering, we are joined by Barney, a foster carer of 16 years. Barney shares his inspirational journey from being a solo carer to fostering alongside his husband. He discusses his background, the influence of his parents who also fostered, and his transition from being cabin crew to a fulfilling life in fostering. 

Barney opens up about the challenges and rewarding experiences of fostering long-term children and provides insights for those considering entering the world of fostering. 

Tune in to hear about the everyday life of a fostering household, navigating relationships, and the importance of support from fostering agencies.

If you would like to find out more about fostering please visit our website here.

If you have any questions that you would like to be answered on our next episode email podcast@nfa.co.uk

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Helen:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Voices of Fostering Today. I'm delighted to be joined by Barney, who's one of our foster carers. Hello, Barney.

Barney:

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Helen:

Hi. Lovely to meet you as well, virtually, and, uh, and have a nice chat with you about, about your fostering journey really, Barney. So I understand it's been 16 years now that you've been a foster carer. Is that right?

Barney:

Yeah, it's gone really quick. I don't feel like it's been 16 years.

Helen:

Yeah. And you were initially, uh, a solo foster carer, weren't you? Yeah. Yeah. And now you foster with your husband. So, so tell us about that.

Barney:

Uh, it was different because my husband had never thought you would have children. It was not, not something that was Anna really in his train of thought. And then we met, uh, we actually met because of one of the foster children'cause they wanted me to go on a date. Um, and he just became part of the family. It took a long time.'cause obviously it's a big difference not having kids to moving into a house with kids. So we took a really long time for him to actually move in.'cause I didn't want anyone to come unless. It was gonna last 'cause of the kids. Yeah. But it's been great. It is amazing with them.

Helen:

Um, what was it 16 years ago that made you decide to become a foster carer by yourself? What led you to it?

Barney:

My mum and dad fostered. Oh, wow. So I've got foster s, I've got foster siblings and I'm really close to them. And I always wanted a family. And for me, because I'm so close to my foster siblings. It didn't need to be my child. I knew I could be close to somebody even if they were not my own. Um, and yeah, just decided to foster. When I changed, I was cabining crew and then I changed from that job, which is a big difference. Um, I. To start fostering and I'd never looked back. Wow.

Helen:

So, yes. So tell us a bit about cabin crew then. You did long haul, didn't you? What was that like?

Barney:

Yeah, it was love. Brilliant. I loved it. I did a lot of military flights where you took the troops out to places, long haul beaches. So to go from sitting on a beach for five days to being at home doing the school run was a big change. Um, but I was glad I did it.

Helen:

And how long were you cabin crew for them?

Barney:

11 years.

Helen:

11

Barney:

years.

Helen:

And then can you remember, like, you know, when you first started thinking about fostering and thinking, you know what, I think I'm gonna change things. Like, can you remember that thought process?

Barney:

Yeah.'cause I was just getting a bit older and you know, 'cause when you crew you are away a lot and it becomes a bit of a party atmosphere and you're constantly going out and, yeah, I just got a little bit older and I was thinking, I, I want more than this. You know, it's just. Flying home to an empty house.'cause it's, you can't really maintain a relationship when you're away a lot. Yeah. Um, and I just wanted a change and obviously having foster siblings and speaking to them, one of them in particular, my fo Robert, he's my foster brother. Um, it was talking with him and he was the one that said, you know, you could do this should be really, it'd be easy for you to do it. You've seen everything. Um, so yeah, decided to make the change.

Helen:

Yeah. So how old were you when your parents fostered then? Did you grow up with foster children in your home or were you older?

Barney:

I was, I think late teens. Okay. I think about late teens. So I'd already left home'cause I left home quite early. Um, but I was, I wasn't living with them. But yeah. So, but I was a young doll, I would say. Yeah.

Helen:

And can you remember how you felt when you learned that your mom and dad were gonna be foster carers? What, you know, what you

Barney:

thought? I knew they'd be brilliant.

Helen:

Yeah.

Barney:

I'm really lucky in the fact that I always say like my foster brother is so much like my dad. If you had to put us in a room and say, which one is his son? You would pick him because, and I think it's because he never had a dad and he really wanted one, so he kind of like followed my dad around and just listened. Whereas I was just, just shush your dad, isn't it? Yeah. And you'd take it for granted. So I don't think I realized how lucky I was. Until I met children who've been in care and have had negative things.'cause I had a really good childhood. I can't say anything negative about my childhood. Yeah. So I knew they'd be amazing.

Helen:

And it sounds like you've, you've been really inspired by your parents and what and what they did.

Barney:

Definitely. Yeah. Definitely.

Helen:

What do you think inspired them? Why do you think they decided to do it?

Barney:

Uh, well, from a big family, my mom was one of 60.

Helen:

Wow.

Barney:

Yeah. My dad's one of eight. So from a very big family and after we'd all grown up. My mom just, she was a good mom. My mom's not here anymore. She passed away. Okay. And she was an amazing mom and she just knew she could carry on. And I said to them, Wendy, they were gonna do it. You'll be amazing. Any kid that comes to live with you is gonna have a really good life. And knows, right? Yeah.

Helen:

Yeah.'cause if she was one of 16, she's used to having a really busy household, isn't she that?

Barney:

Very busy. Very busy.

Helen:

Yeah. So now you are with your, your husband. How did that go? Because I think this is really interesting chat to have and for people to listen to if they're going into fostering, be it a, a single foster carer. And of course they might be open to meeting somebody and you might think, well, what happens if I meet somebody? Like, you know, how does that go? Like, how did it go? You know what, what happens? I think.

Barney:

Because one of the children had actually asked me to go on a date.'cause I was quite happy on my own. I hadn't really thought of it. And then they said to me that they're gonna grow up and get married and leave home and I'll be on my own. So they, so they made me go on a date. So I went on the date and everything and then we met, I. But I wouldn't take him to meet the children because it's a big thing and they've been rejected by so many people. Yeah. Um, that I didn't wanna start a relationship introducing to someone and then it fizzle out and then that could feel like a rejection to them. So he didn't even meet the children for about seven months. Yeah. I just wanted to know that, oh, this is going well. Yeah. Um, and there's a lot of learning curve, you know, 'cause someone, it's different to having a, your biological child, 'cause you've got to go through. Please checks to make sure you're able to meet them and then yeah, go through all the process. It's not just, oh, here's my children. Meet them. It's a big, there's a big thing to get through there.

Helen:

Yeah. So what do, like the agency and your social worker, et cetera, what do they say to you about if you were to meet somebody, you know, what are the do's and don'ts?

Barney:

Um, well, obviously the cat comes to your house with the children. They can't leave them alone with the children. Yeah. Uh, has it not been please checked? It's, I suppose it's similar to what you would do. Where if I want to leave the children now I leave them with a nominated carer. Yeah. I can't just go and leave them with some random person.'cause they've not gone through all the checks that you have to go through. Yeah. Um, and it was my social worker at the time. She just said, take your time, get to know the person. And then if you think they're a nice person, come back after a few months, um, we can start the process of doing all the legal bits where you have to do all the police checks and we'll come out. We'll, I'll meet him personally. Which is really funny 'cause it's kinda like meeting your parents too. Yeah. Do you know, because you meet your parents and then you've also go, right now you've gotta meet a social worker. Yeah. And then And she liked him straight away. She went, he's a nice guy. You can tell he's a nice guy. Yeah. But she said you've done the right thing. You've waited a long time. Yeah. Because children that have had rejection, you might not think they'll feel rejected if this person disappears, but you don't know what they've been through.

Helen:

Yeah.

Barney:

So just take your time. And that's what we did. We just took our time.

Helen:

Yeah, but you felt like you had a lot of support in that process?

Barney:

Oh, definitely. Yeah, definitely.

Helen:

So if, if somebody was listening who, who was single, and obviously they don't, they don't want to think I'm, you know, I'm, I'm not gonna date or I'm not gonna be open to the possibility of meeting somebody, but they still want to foster. Um, there's definitely, um, your, your agency and your, your social worker are definitely open-minded, aren't they? That life happens, things like have, have, have happen situations change, you know?

Barney:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, definitely.'cause obviously I've gone in from one, one thing to a completely different thing. Yeah. Um, and they were really supportive.'cause I've only ever been with NFA I've, I love where I, where I am. I've loved my social workers. I get on really well with them. Yeah. It's so, almost felt a little bit more like a friend who I know I can go and speak to if I've got a problem or I need, there's an issue. Um, so I always felt supported because I knew that it's in their interest for me to be happy as well. Yeah. Um. I think they know you well enough to know that if you are bringing someone into your life, they're a decent person. Yeah.'cause otherwise you wouldn't,'cause they've got to know you during the assessment process. Yeah.'cause that's quite a long time. And you end up getting to know your social worker when she's coming to your house. So I. They've kind of got a good reading of you because they know who you are as a person by this point.

Helen:

Yeah. And I imagine they were made up for you, weren't they? That you've met someone and he was really nice. Yes, he was. And yeah. Yeah,

Barney:

it's been lovely. And like I said, for him it was different because never thinking he would ever have children. It just wasn't in his train of thought. Even though he was an uncle and he was great with his nieces, um, it's a big learning curve and trying to be. It was, he never wanted to tell them off and in the, and I, after a bit, I had to say, right, if you do something wrong, you've got to tell them off, because it can't be me every time just being bad cop, you know, like, um. If I had nicked out and won, done something they shouldn't have done, I'd say, no, you need to deal with that because you can't wait for me to come back and then pass it over. You understand? You just wanna be a friend. Yeah. And you don't wanna say anything negative, but we've been, you know, after a while, like you've got to, you've got to be Yeah, yeah. Like another parent. Yeah. You that's be more equal know these children. Yeah. You're gonna get to know them and they're gonna become part of your life and you are gonna get attached to them and they're gonna get attached to you. And for, in order for that to. Happen. You have to be natural and you have to tell kids like when they're doing something wrong, which all kids do. But we all did. I did.

Helen:

So tell us what your fostering household's like now, Barney, and, and what your day to day life is like. You know, what's a typical day for you guys?

Barney:

Funny enough, everyone always thinks our life should be really mad because it's a busy house, but it's not. Our house is quite quiet. Mm-hmm. Um, because I work part-time as well, I get all early with the kids, take them both to school, one of them ISS 15 and could get the school bus, but I don't mind taking 'em anyway because I'm going in that direction. Yeah. Um. We've only got one bathroom, so it is quite busy. I get up, I tend to get up earlier than them because I do take longer in the bathroom than they do. They'll be just in, do nothing, not clean their teeth and be ready to go. And I have to send them back in. Chris gets up before me because of his job. He does very, very early starts. It doesn't affect him. Yeah. Um, school run. After work. I always finish work before the kids finish school, but sometimes I'll have a gap in between finishing work and picking the kids up. But that's where I have meetings.'cause I tend to finish at one. So I've got like a gap then where I can fit any I. Like lack reviews, PEPs. Um, I've got someone coming round this week because I, one of the children is nearly 18, so he is got a stay in port advisor. Mm-hmm. Um, so I tend to fit a lot of meetings in between them times and then go pick the kids up and then head back home.

Helen:

Yeah. So, yeah. So what are those lack reviews and PEPs? So what are they?

Barney:

Yeah. You are looked after child reviews. Right. And the pep, which is for school. Um. They're really good.'cause I've always worked, I did initially stop work when I first started fostering. Mm-hmm. But I really missed the, just being around adults. Mm-hmm.'cause I was a single carer, so I then took a part-time job and I'm quite lucky that my hours have really fitted in around school. Right.

Helen:

Okay.

Barney:

And then the schools have always been great.'cause I give them enough notice to say, oh, any of these days, just between these times. And they've always been, I've never had a problem.

Helen:

Right. Okay.

Barney:

Um, and that's when I would fit my meetings in. Sometimes I'll. Some of them are on Zoom and teams anyway, and so I just do them from work. Yeah. And then other than that, luckily where I work isn't far from the schools. Yeah. So I can't actually be at school in 15 minutes. Right. Okay. I'm just lucky that everything kind of joins together. Yeah. Um, and that's when I'll fit their meetings in for the, looked after Charit reviews, the PEPs, and then. Obviously sometimes visits from different social workers.'cause obviously every child is, if you've got different children from different families. Yeah. They've got different social workers. So there's quite a few people involved.

Helen:

Yeah. And so you, are you doing a different job now? You've not gone back to cabin crew, you're not nipping to Spain? No, no, no,

Barney:

no. I'm quite, um, before I was crew, I worked in retail, so I'd gone back into an industry that I knew. Kind of fits you in.'cause I kind of cover all the lunchtime for all the full-time workers. Yeah. So I'm there over the busy trading hours and then I'm able to just disappear as it gets to school time.

Helen:

Yeah. And obviously some people choose to, to not have a job as well and, and just be a foster carer. Some people choose to work, I suppose. It's not a one size fits all really, isn't it? Some people, you know, would like to work and some don't want to, but for you it's quite important to

Barney:

Yeah, for me, just. I liked that it's more, I suppose they're more like friends as opposed to people you work with.'cause you spend a lot of time with them. So it's more going to work just for a bit of adult conversation because, especially'cause Chris works away from home as well, so he can be away for three, four days. So if I didn't have the job, I'd probably just be speaking to the children in the morning. In the daytime, I'm kind of on my own that little bit, and then the evening routine starts. So for me, I've just found that I enjoy that. Mm-hmm. It is a lot, especially, you know, now I've got a grandchild and I help out with that. Um. It is a lot, but it's something that I personally enjoy. But I would see why some people do think I'm crazy because I'm really busy. Yeah. If they do, like why are you doing that?'cause you're going literally from one thing to another. Yeah. But for me, maybe, 'cause I'm from a really big family, um, I'm used to kind of fat, so it works for me.

Helen:

Yeah. So you've been fostering for 16 years, Barney, and you've not had that many children, have you? They've all been quite long term. Is that right?

Barney:

Yeah, I've always done it's, well, they've never meant to start it out. Obviously the first two started out as a short-term placement that went into a long-term placement. Yeah, and then that happened again. And then a year ago we decided to add again because the children are getting older and they don't need me as much. Mm-hmm. And I like to be busy. And then ano another little boy coming to stay with us. And that's in the process of being made long term as well at the moment.

Helen:

Wow. Yeah. So what, what do you see the future being like for you? You know, if you sort of could look in five, 10 years in the future, you know, where do you think you'll be, at what stage do you think you'll be? Do you think you'll have more children or what do you reckon?

Barney:

I dunno. Prob probably, because we said as the middle two children were getting older.'cause our first two foster children stayed poor. And luckily we've got the space, it's a five bed house. So they stayed put. And then of the second two, one of them is about to stay put again, and then the other one is 15. And so they don't need me as much. And that was meant to be it. We were meant to be like, oh, that'll be it. And then I'll just go back to work. Yeah. But I just love being a parent and from a really big family, like I say. I've got a granddaughter now and I have her several days a week. Um, and I just like it. I, I love working with kids. I love what I do because I find it really rewarding, especially'cause not everybody's had the starting life that you've had. And that's one thing that I've learned. How appreciative, especially like my foster brother, how much he loves my dad. Yeah. Is because that's all he ever wanted. And how close I am to my foster children, how we've become family and we've become much closer than I I ever really thought I would. How much? How much I love them all. Yeah. I really do. Um, and that's why a year ago we decided, again, Chris was like, are you sure? Because I go away from home a lot. You are the one that's doing it. And I'm like, yeah, because literally with teenagers, they come in, do their homework and then they put this virtual reality headset on and I'm on my own. And they don't speak to you. Yeah. So I'm stick with the cat. Do you know what I mean? So I just said no.'cause if I've got another little one around you start to do all the things that you have to do like homework. And I really like that because it's helping someone that's quite behind. Move on and yeah. Learn and bring them up. It's lovely. And I've forgotten how much had enjoyed that when you've got teenagers.'cause they do just say, can I have a lift and can I have some money? Yeah. Uh, and you know, that's teenagers, isn't it? That's what, that's what we all do. Um. So having a little one again has been lovely. So I wouldn't say after the youngest is older, well we won't do anything'cause I've said that before and we've ended up adding to the family again. Yeah. So I don't know. Probably, probably still fostering.

Helen:

We'll see. Yeah. So if you were to sum up for anybody listening who's maybe thinking about it, how would you, I suppose, how would you self fostering to somebody? How would you tell them like, you need to do this, it'll change your life for the better.

Barney:

Um. You can probably do more than you ever realize. I didn't realize how much I could do. I probably lacked a little bit of confidence thinking, can I do this? Even though I'd seen my mom and dad do things thinking, am I gonna be able to do this, especially on my own, but believing myself more? Because a lot of it's quite natural. And for me personally, it has been the best thing I ever did. My life wouldn't be what it is now. I wouldn't even have met my husband if I hadn't have started Foster. Yeah. Because of one of the children. Um, and I look at my parents and look at how pro I am with the children. I live with them, and then they've got extended family. So it's really kind of affected me in many different ways. Um, it's been hard. There's been times when some of the children were young and they were, you could see, they thought you were gonna reject them because they'd been in several different homes and. But I got through it. I always used to think if somebody's really struggling, if they were my children, would I give up on them and knew I wouldn't? Mm-hmm. So even through the hardest bits, it was worth it. Yeah. For what we've got now, like the relationship I've got with my two eldest who had in the twenties, now I look back at some of the difficult things I went through when they were a bit younger and they were clearly stressed and they'd had a lot of trauma. Look, look at them now and think I did that.

Helen:

Yeah.

Barney:

And it does make me feel proud of that. I did that. Look at them just going out into the world. One of them's a dad now. That's why I'm a granddad. That's something that's happened. Yeah. That little child calls me granddad. Um, so yeah, you can probably do more than you realize and it's very rewarding.

Helen:

Well, that's a wonderful note to end on. Thank you so much, Barney. It's been so lovely to speak to you. And best of luck with the future.

Barney:

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Helen:

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Voices of Fostering. If you'd like to find out more, head online and search National Fostering Group and make this the year you foster.