Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe.
SPEAKER_01Hello, hello. Y'all. This week's episode is going to be short and vulnerable. Um, because that's what's needed for me at the moment. Saturday, I'm recording this, you know, before you all will be hearing it. And I've honestly been um going through some really, really deep and difficult personal work over the last two weeks. And as I was trying to digest um, you know, and figure out how I wanted to do the episode today, this big episode outline gets created, and I'm working through it with ChatGPT. And, you know, the heart of what I wanted to say was just basically acknowledging um what it feels like to be in kind of a tower moment and letting things fall apart and letting go of this role of always holding it all together for everybody. And right as I get finished with the outline, I'm like, oh my God, I'm literally like in the middle of my process right now trying to do this very thing of in the middle of something very raw. And, you know, as many of you have been introduced to tarot through the podcast, for those of you that know, in the tarot, the tower is the collapsing. It is the destruction, the falling apart of something really big. And I was like, oh my God. Here I was trying to write this episode to talk about letting the tower fall. And I'm simultaneously trying to hold everything together and make sense of it and put it out in an organized, coherent way. Um, and I just took a moment in that moment to stop and go, whoa be, what do you really need right now? And I realized what I needed was to just pop on the podcast. And instead of, you know, transmuting this pain and this difficult process I'm going through into something and putting it out, I needed to just let this be an episode where I I think get to say to all of you listening, because it didn't feel good to just not have an episode go out this week where it's just silent and I'm not there because we've I feel like through this podcast, through my work, I've really created um a deep connection with those of you listening. I've felt your love and your support, and there's this feeling of wanting to be known in this moment, and also the deep acknowledgement that I need to not hold it all together at the same time. Um and I can even feel as I'm recording this, just the like deep urges around control of like, no, I do not want to not be the authority, the one that's making sense of everything, the one that is the grounded space. Um, but really that that is the heart of where I'm at at this moment in my life. I am doing some deep work around understanding that I am ultimately not in control, which is the coping mechanism that I developed hardcore in childhood. And if I am not in control, then what can I rely on? And having to lean back into surrender and ultimately as I've been doing this process, finding some deep, deep places of security and comfort in my body. And of course, in the future, I'm sure I even as I go through this process, I'm like, oh my God, there's so much here that I'm learning and gleaning that I will bring to all of y'all in the future. Um, but today's episode was just to kind of jump on and say, it's okay to be in the tender in between, in the middle of, you know, things disintegrating and new things potentially being born, and also not knowing what those things are, and letting yourself in these moments be seen not holding it all together for everybody else. Because I think that is what so many of us, those of you listening even today on our campfire call in the community, that was, you know, that was something I was seeing as well. Just all of us going through things that in the past we might have really tried to hold together and put on a beautiful, perfect face while going through them. And instead, really starting to be honest about how we're actually feeling and what we're needing. And for me right now, I am feeling a lot of fear and uncertainty that I think has its roots in my childhood. And there's a process that I am making space for of letting myself feel and let those experiences come up without immediately rushing to fix them, without immediately rushing to make everybody in my life feel good about everything, without being able to reassure and fix it for everyone. And you know, even as I say that, I'm like, I've already so I look over the process and like I've just already done so much of that without even meaning to write. But um I think today's episode and letting it be so messy, this is an act of acknowledgement for me, an act of letting myself be seen by all of you in the very real humanness of what it is like for me behind the scenes, what it feels like to be human and to admit when as much as you, you know, think you know what's going to happen in life and where things are going to go, that sometimes your best-laid plans just aren't what life presents. And in that moment, where do you turn when your biggest efforts and your most well-intentioned control are stripped away? Where do you fall back to? And I'm in that chrysalis right now, the chrysalis of landing in ultimately self-trust. That's that's where I've been having to land, looking at, you know, these fears of did I make the right decisions? Am I going to be safe? Is it all going to work out? And instead of running out of that empty room, right? That is the moment where we just sit in the I don't know, staying for a moment, staying for more than a moment. That's my work right now, is to just stay in the moment of the in-between. I can feel myself itching so much to dive into all of the deeper parts with some more explanations, because Jung actually talks about this piece. It's called something like that the third way. So I will in the future discuss more of that. But this week I just needed to pop on and say, I love all of you. And the process I'm in at this moment requires this type of episode. One where I breathe deep, let myself be seen in the very real and raw human experience of the unknown. And trust that that is enough. That even when I am not putting out at my very top, even when I am not perfect, even when I am not always delivering at the level I know I can, it is still enough. And that is, I think for many of us, one of the most important and vulnerable lessons that we can try to learn in this life. You know, this healing in our relationship towards life itself, towards ourselves, towards whatever it is that is directing the bigger parts of our life that we are not in control of. So, with that said, I just want to take a couple breaths with all of you. Just connect in with so much gratitude for this journey. And maybe just add that piece too, that where I've been landing is you know, even in the uncertainty, what I've come back to is the immense gratitude for who I have become through the path. And what a journey it's been with all of you through the podcast, and you know, a journey that I am so hopeful will continue and will grow. And I also know there's just, you know, lots of parts of life that are out of uh my control. And right now the lesson seems to be surrendering to those. But really just experiencing that glimmer and that actually, you know, so much more than a glimmer, that well of gratitude for all that has been up until this point, while releasing and surrendering to the future and what will be, and letting myself arrive in the very vulnerable present. So, with that said, I'm sending you all so much love this week. And I'm hoping that those of you in your own vulnerable processes will be so gentle with yourselves, will make space like I am this week to be able to say to those that love you, I am going through something really hard right now. And because of that, I'm not able to show up in the ways you most expect. And that through that radical act of self-love and self-honesty, my hope is that we will find that the universe is still there for us, that things do still work out. We are worthy even when we are not performing at our best. We are worthy even in our messiness and even in our collapsing tower moments. That is my hope. That is what I'm sending forward this week to all of you with this episode, and so much love. Till next week.