Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe. Well, hello there. Hi, hi, hi, my lovies. Ooh, can we just take a second to drop in, get a little cozy here. And um, yeah, maybe just take a couple deep breaths. And just feel all of this gorgeous love I am sending you across these sound waves. Hopefully feeling them penetrate your heart and your mind. Just give you a little bit of ease and soothing as we head into this episode. Um, it is a rainy, chilly Sunday morning. And as y'all can hear, I'm in a deep, yummy, grounded body space this morning. I'm really excited to drop in with all of you on this episode. Like, ah, well, we are gonna talk about the tool that I came up with this week. I'm really excited to share with y'all. It has been getting me really big shifts this week. So, yeah, we're gonna have an amazing time, and I'm really excited for those of you that are listening to try it to uh try this worksheet that I'm gonna teach you guys about. And then, um, as I'm gonna say at the end, but I'm saying here at the beginning, maybe reach out and email me. I would love after this episode to get to hear back from any of you that feel like it if you actually end up using this worksheet and the shifts that you see, how it goes for you. Because yeah, I would love some back and forth with y'all. So at the end, you know, I'll tell I'll try to remind all of us and maybe we can make that happen because that'd be really cool. Okay. So to start off the episode, I want to give you guys a quick personal note for me on how this concept came up. I have an incredible client that I've been working with who this week, when we dropped in on her session, she mentioned, you know, I just have been feeling like my energy is really scattered this week. I'm just kind of making it from one thing to the next. And she specifically mentioned, kind of like, you know, I think I need better coping mechanisms. And thank goodness I had, as I'm gonna explain in the episode later, I'd been doing some work around this earlier this week. And it was like a light bulb popped on for me based off of my own work and then what she was saying. And I said, actually, instead of me helping you develop better coping mechanisms, I want us to focus on taking you deeper into internally and externally resourcing yourself so that you don't have to cope as much in the first place. So y'all see the difference, right? Instead of this kind of like putting out fires, right? A coping mechanism is like what you're doing in the moment because it's just like, ah shit, something needs to be handled, versus when we are deeply resourced within ourselves and we can draw from our resource rather than having to handle something or you know, fight that fire with a coping mechanism. And holy shit, is this so important for those of you considering divorce? Because what's the number one thing you're trying to do right now? You're trying to get clarity. And let me tell y'all, when you are underresourced, okay, when you are in an under-resourced state, it's like a state of being, and you find yourself instead cycling through the fight, flight, freeze, fawn, reactive states. And from those states, having to just draw on whatever coping mechanism happens to come up. Oh my fuck, right? Talk about the worst possible environment for trying to find clarity on a decision as big as this. So, to start, I want to dive in and discuss what it means to be resourced. I mean, that's a word I'm using and throwing, I love actually like quick fun side note. I was on the phone chatting it up with Quinn yesterday. And um, we were talking about both of our podcasts. Hers is doing well. She actually had, she got like her first fan mail, y'all, the other week. Somebody reaching out and telling her how much her podcast meant. And I just, I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna just side note this and like spend a little time here to say it matters and means so much to us when when you are putting out something like this, something that is such a like gorgeous flowing of your creative juices, your authenticity, yourself, your journey, and you hear back from the people listening and you get to hear their love and what it's how it's impacting them, how it's shifting their views. It is so inspiring. It is such a like, every time it happens for me, it's such a fuel inside that makes me like, fuck yeah, this is what I want to be doing. Like, I'm on my path. This is, I'm in the right spot. So it was just so exciting to have Quinn receive kind of her first um like written fan mail. I think she's had clients, you know, tell her about it before, but and to have her read it to me and me be like, yes, yes, that is so beautiful. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for this woman that's listening to you. Quinn's, you know, if you guys haven't been listening to it yet, her podcast, the post-divorce glow-up, is I mean, what I love so much about Quinn is she gives you like real practical, like, here's how to get this shit done. In fact, when women come to me, I'll have clients who like, I'll get them through their divorce if they do decide, right, they're gonna get divorced. And then they're like, okay, like I kind of want to like the optimizing their lives, right? Like, I want to make it better, like I want to get in shape, or I wanna really take this part of my life to the next level. And I'm always like, no, that's that's not my that's not my expertise. I'm really good in high crisis situations where we're having to like, are we gonna fucking stay married or not? Um if you actually want stuff that's gonna move the needle like bit by bit by bit, Quinn is your girl. So um can't recommend her podcast enough. And that's where I always send people who are like, I'm wanting to build habits or, you know, I'm wanting to make these changes. And I'm like, yeah, go go talk to Quinn. If you're not in like crisis and ready to completely like deep dive into your soul, um I'm probably not the girl for you. Although, to be honest, I mean, that's the same work Quinn does. I love how much my coaching style and Quinn's are very, very similar and yet, you know, beautifully unique in our own ways. Okay. I I love that I just like had to go into that. All of that is to say, coming back to this word, resourced, Quinn had mentioned where she was like, sometimes you say words and you don't explain what they are, and you just think it's just like it's adorable. You think that everybody's in your brain and they just know what those words mean, especially when I'm sharing like words from Mormonism or so I'm throwing out this word, right? Resourced. And I want to define for you what that means because in my head, this is a word I feel very familiar with, but for some of you, it may um be the first time you're kind of hearing it or thinking of it as a concept. So a way to kind of contrast it is thinking of, you know, different states, right? We have a state of being resourced, and then we have a state of not being resourced where we have to cope. And I think of the coping part as being a reactive approach to life while resourcing is proactive. It is looking ahead, it is thinking about what is happening currently, and it is trying to give you the best foundation, current state uh to be able to handle whatever is like coming. Okay. So it's very proactive versus reactive. And the image I kept seeing this week while I was thinking of this was, you know, the idea. I'm gonna caveat this by saying, you know, the image I was seeing was more of like a well, like having a well that has a lot of water in it that you can draw from, right? When you're thirsty, you can pull it up. But that doesn't necessarily work because wells are like spring fed. So I had to adjust it a little bit to this analogy of a bank account. Okay. So when you have a bank account, you're depositing into that account so that you can make withdrawals from it. Okay. If we have a bank account that we haven't deposited anything into, we're not going to expect that we can make withdrawals from that account. If it's a zero balance, we can't take any money out of it. Yet, this is the very thing so many of us do in our lives and in our marriages or even relationships, right? Because I'm in a relationship right now and I'm noticing the same principle, which is we assume that we can just make withdrawals on that bank account, either the personal bank account we have or the bank account that we are sharing with our partner. And, you know, remember, this bank account that I'm talking about is like your resourcing, your relationships, your marriages resourcing. And we expect to be able to just go through life, withdraw on it, when we haven't been depositing in. And if you'll check in for yourself, I suspect that many of you where you're at right now, you may already be on empty, if not in serious overdraft at the moment in your relationship, in your marriage, for sure. I mean, this is a considering divorce podcast. So you're right, you guys are probably in like overdraft by this point. And you may even notice for some of you that not only are you in overdraft in your marriage, but you are possibly like way in overdraft for yourself as well. So different things in our life create withdrawals on the system, and different things create deposits to the system. And the way I want, like how I want to separate those is the things I think of that are creating withdrawals would be experiences of trauma and also triggers. Okay. Um, you know, in the CPTSD book, talks a lot about the triggers that we develop. Often your triggers are attached to your trauma, but I want you to be thinking of triggers, trauma that happens to us, come in the withdrawal column. Okay. Versus things that resource us. And resources are gonna be the things that are depositing into the bank account. Okay, so now we've got these two different ideas, right? We've got our triggers that are gonna be with kind of creating withdrawals in the bank account. We've got our resources that are gonna be creating deposits. And on top of that, we even have a deeper layer of like in each of those areas, we have both external and internal triggers and resourcing that is unique to just us. And the same things that resource me may not be the same things that resource you. And even beyond that, the things that resource you now may not be the things that resource you in the future. You know, the things that if I were to have created a list back in my marriage five, six years ago, um, my resourcing list would have looked very different than in some key ways, it would have looked different than my resourcing list now. So we're about to dive into, you know, me sharing some of my examples of like resources and triggers for me. But as I've already kind of said in mentioning these lists, right, I want to give you the framework of the worksheet, the tool that I'm teaching you guys, just so you can also visually be thinking in your head as I'm listing these resources and triggers, kind of what it looks like. So the way I like to do this is taking a piece of paper, lined straight down the middle, and at the top on one side, you've got resources listed, and on the other side, you've got triggers. And then, as you guys can guess, from there, you are just going to list out what are the things currently that resource me and what are the things currently that trigger me. So let's dive in. So, some of the examples from my own life of things that resource me currently. I think first round of the worksheet, it's probably wise to just throw in like all resources and then all of your triggers. And then maybe if you're wanting to take it deeper, you can kind of start parsing out this external triggers versus internal triggers. Um, I'd already done that for y'all, so I'm gonna kind of follow that framework. So when it comes to things that resource me, um, when I'm thinking of external resources for me, those look like my ecstatic dance practice, um, connecting in with close friends of mine. Nature is definitely a go-to resource for me. If I can go step outside, put my feet in the grass when it's sunny. That's why like summer is usually an easier time for me because I'm just outdoors more. Music can be really resourcing for me, help me kind of downregulate, kick back, get out of my head. Doing creative things like creating and recording the podcast is something that definitely resources me. Isn't that interesting, right? For some people, that might be more of a trigger, something that's draining them. But for me, it's a real resource. Um, masturbation, resource, baby. Lots of physical touch with my partner and sex and orgasms. Um, as I'm gonna talk about in a like later in the episode with me and Joe, that was really the heart of what was coming up recently was I was not resourcing with that. We'd kind of slipped away from that. And fuck, was life getting really hard without that piece? Like I have through this little worksheet this last week, uh realized even more clearly that like when I am having consistent, great intimacy and physical connection with my partner. Wow, there is a lot that I can handle in my life. That creates big, big deposits in my bank account. Um, and then there's also, so I was just listening, like a lot of external resourcing. Okay, that's that's things I'm doing with other people or things outside of me. But there's also internal resourcing, which for me is, you know, when I am slowing down, that is a huge way of internally resourcing, like just slowing the fuck down. Nobody's gonna die. Is Ambigonna die? If nobody's gonna die, we're gonna slow down. We're gonna go feel. So processing emotion, taking time out to go be in my body when I get dysregulated, when I have an emotional flashback come up, actually stepping away and dropping in to be with myself internally. And then also I would say boundaries for me is a huge internal resource, you know, protecting my energy, my space, my life force, getting to use it how I want to. Those are all things that resource me internally. Now, I want to talk a little bit about things that trigger me. And like I said previously, in this section, um, I've noticed it, you know, not only do I want you to think of it as triggers, but also it can be just like a trauma that's happening right now. That that's like part of life. We go through big things that happen. A child dying, a um uh losing a job, moving. Those I would all be putting in like the trigger line, okay, as a capital T trauma, which is that this is something that is going to be taking a withdrawal from the bank account. But then we also have what are more like commonplace everyday kind of triggers. For me, externally, as y'all know, one of my biggest ones is raising my kids. Just, you know, the noise level of kids, um, having people that depend on me. That is just a withdrawal for me. Um, and actually, this was the other beautiful thing. So when I was doing this with my client this week, you know, where kids fall for her is kind of right in the middle. Like sometimes her kids are a real resourcing area. And sometimes spending time, you know, spending time with her kids can feel like it's resourcing her. And then other times spending time with her kids feels more like a trigger and a withdrawal. So there's also this beautiful category of things that not only do they resource, but they can also trigger. When I was talking to Joe about this, we were discussing, I think it was kind of the same for him. Like sometimes, you know, his kids are the same. I would say mine are a little bit more of a trigger at this point, um, with the level of, you know, my CPTSD and um, but beautiful thing to remember that like there are ones that can be in the middle of this list, kind of on the line. Other triggers for me are definitely money. Money. I've been doing a lot of work around scarcity beliefs. So that's always something that kind of woof is a withdrawal when stuff around that comes up. You know, exploring my sexuality can both trigger and resource me. So that's one of my like in-between ones. Interestingly enough, this is kind of like a weird trigger that's unique to me. But that's why I love, you know, doing this worksheet for yourself, because it's going to be very individual. But I can actually have relationship closeness and safety, right? This is that like, once again, it's in the middle, like it can go either way. But you wouldn't think of that as a trigger. But because of my disorganized attachment style from childhood, when I actually, you know, feel really safe sometimes in the relationship, that can be a trigger for me. And and it can lead, if I'm not aware, if I'm not being aware of what's going on, right? A perfect example of like, okay, in that moment, if I'm under-resourced, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go to a coping mechanism. And that coping mechanism is gonna be to self-sabotage or to sabotage the relationship. So, really important for me staying aware of how resourced I am, how in touch I am, both resourcing myself internally and externally, so that I'm available, so that I have things to withdraw from when the triggers hit. Also, so those are all some external triggers that I have. I would say my internal ones are I have CPTSD. That is a huge internal trigger that has a whole bunch of facets to. It. Another internal trigger is I have a really as an aspect of CPTSD is having that very harsh inner critic that, you know, woof, perfectionism, right? Like if I'm not feeling like I'm doing everything perfect and I'm holding it together for everybody, that can really set off kind of a cascade inside me of triggers. I'm thinking I'm failing as a mom, right? Taking interactions personally. These are those internal triggers that I'm talking about. So now you've got some like, I've thrown out some ideas, right, of potential internal and external resources and triggers to kind of spark that creativity for you. So once you have this list, okay, so the first piece is creating up the list and writing down what are the things that currently resource me? What are the things that currently trigger me? The next piece, though, is identifying which triggers can be eliminated or reduced. And then in tandem with that, intentionally increasing the things that resource you. Right. Do we see the game now? Do we see how magic this is? It's so fucking simple. I coming off of this week and this worksheet, I was like, oh my God, this is so fucking simple and yet so crucial because this is what helps you identify where you need to shift from being in reactionary mode to intentional living, which the heart and soul of coaching is intentional living. It's saying, I want a very specific thing, I want a life, I have a dream of what I want to accomplish, and using your brain through awareness and coaching yourself to actually achieve that, versus just letting the programming of your brain through reactionary mode create whatever was put in there in the first place, which usually looks like our parents' marriages, what other people wanted for us, right? On and on and on. Okay, so we've got the worksheet now. You guys have an idea. If you want to, you are more than welcome to pause this episode and go drop the fuck in right now and try it out. Like, hell yes, if you're somewhere where you can do this, do it. In fact, it'll probably make it a little bit more fun listening to this next part because I'm just gonna dive deeper into really showing you the magic of how this works, why this works. And I'm gonna use the example of me and Joe and our recent experience with this. So, oh my goodness, y'all. This winter has been really tough for me and Joe. You know, recently going through January and February, we I would say were probably the most physically disconnected we've ever been before in our relationship. Like, what? Right? Um, here, you know, we've been dating for a year now. And as you guys know, it's been really, really wonderful. In fact, I came out of 2024, like New Year's was insane. Sent it so beautifully, like kissing that man as the new year rolls in, like, fuck yeah, let's go. This is the best year probably of my life. Yeah. Like 2024 was my year, y'all. And setting these big intentions for 2025. Like, let's fucking go. And as the universe often does when you set big intentions, it was like, whoa, pow, you know, okay, you want to up level, you want to take your life to the next level. Then there is all of this kind of shit and pain that's gonna, there's these things that gotta die. There's these things that gotta be cleared out. So for January and February, we just we were in the thick of it. Um, we'd started going to bed most nights without any kind of intimacy, which I know as I'm saying all this, I'm like, I think a lot of you are gonna be like, uh, yeah, I mean, this is this is my life. This is my marriage, right? Um, which is what was the very thing that was fucking terrifying me about it. Like, we're not cuddling as much. We're both so exhausted that we're falling in bed at night. There's not even like a question, like, are we gonna have sex or not? It's just we need to sleep. Really, neither of us were initiating very much. And this is not just, you know, this is not just sex for me and Joe. This is like physical touch and us being deeply connected and cozy and um affectionate, there we go, with each other, is as we've since realized, big foundational piece of our relationship. Like if that is not there, we are at a the bank account's really low because that is like a big chunk of the change that fills up our bank account. So, you know, as life does, when it's happening, you're kind of just in the thick of it. And there's the it kind of becomes this thought of like, well, you know, it's probably because of this, and we're gonna get through it and it's gonna be fine. But at the end of January, it kind of got brought up. It was like, fuck, you know, I'm struggling. I don't really feel like this is going well. Like, what's what's happening? And then February, you know, just we got hit again with a bunch of stuff in February. We both got really sick and there was kids stuff, and it was just like, ah. And thankfully, this last week, um, we had time away from the kids, and I just sat down and was like, look, I am really like, this is not, this is not where I want to be, basically. This disconnection, this this feeling of like, where have we gone? Um, I don't want to live like that. And thank goodness I had this conversation because this is where this worksheet came out of. Because it was as we were, you know, having that messy conversation. It's a hard conversation to have, right? Both, both of us were very, I think, under-resourced at that point in ourselves. And so now we're coming to talk about how, and I'm coming to talk about like the the relationship is feeling under-resourced. So there was a lot of us having to hold ourselves, having to hold space for each other. And the worksheet killed for this because that's when I came up with the idea where I was like, look, what was so great about last year? You know, I kept having this thought that was like, I want to get back to that. That's us. Where have we gone? Kind of energy. And so in the original worksheet I did with Joe, I actually split it up into like 2024 and then 2025. And then I did both, you know, his lists of what his resources and triggers were in 2024 and 2025, and my lists of what my resources were in 2024 and then in 2025. And holy shit, was it all of a sudden like, oh, there it is, there it is. You know, once you write it down, you realize, like, oh, there have been some big changes. There have been fascinating things, almost like looking at your balance, right? Of like how much resources do we have versus how many triggers do we have? And when you add some big triggers that come in on that side, and you don't offset it and balance it by resourcing more. Well, yeah, you're gonna start running a deficit. This is math. We're just mathing over here. So um, I think it'd be fun to dive in with you guys a little bit so you can see on the grounds application of what this looked like for us. So, you know where we landed, right? Which was like, fuck, where have we gone? I, you know, we're not as connected, we're not getting the results that we're wanting most. So we drop in and we start writing out the pieces. And we realize there are some big triggers that had been added in kind of at the last at the end of last year and definitely going through the start of this year, which for Joe was, you know, he was taking on some big medical pieces for his health. And also he was doing a lot of dental work, which is a huge trigger for him. He has trauma around dental work. I mean, God, how many of us don't? If you don't have trauma around dental work, let me send you all the love and well-wishes. You are a miracle. So, you know, for him, something like doing a lot of dental work every single time he's going in, that's a huge trigger. That's a huge dysregulating experience for him. For myself, I've still been in the rockiness of figuring out the teenage hood with my oldest and him individuating. You know, that's been that really started in July of last year and has still been, you know, going through it. So that was a big trigger for me. And then all of the politics were really, once we sat down and I wrote it out, I was like, oh wow, the politics are really triggering me into this kind of perpetual dysregulation, just constantly feeling like I'm being attacked or something's happening and feeling out of control. Um, Joe was also, this was another new trigger, is Joe was, you know, moving out of his previous living situation. And that move, like moving fully in with me, which of course stirs up its own stuff for him. I was doing in tandem with that at the beginning of the year with these new intentions I had set of like what I wanted to call in. I was doing deep internal work around money and scarcity, which I don't know what the word would be. I didn't anticipate. There we go. I didn't anticipate for it to like set this piece off, but it did. Um, in doing that money work, another potentially repressed memory from my childhood abuse like flickered up, which makes a lot of sense that I would have, you know, scarcity around money be so heavily tied to scarcity and trauma with my family of origin. But whoa, you know, wasn't expecting that. And in the past, when, as I've told you guys in the podcast, when that previous repressed memory came up, I went from like functioning to within a month so depressed, I was not doing well and like I needed more support. So that was also being acknowledged. I mean, that was something kind of at the end of January. That memory came up early in January, at the end of January when Joe and I had that first conversation. It was for both of us to be like, hey, for me to be like, I am really struggling with depression. And him being like, you know, maybe, maybe it's time to talk to a therapist. Maybe it's time to get some extra support. So we have all that going on. Plus at the beginning of this year, we got hella sick for a couple of weeks. And, you know, we we have these big shifts on us living together, we're living together now, right? I mean, we've been for the last four or five months, but we've kind of made it official. That means a big reduction in like our personal alone time, right? Previously in 2024, we didn't live together. So part of the time he, you know, he had alone time, I had alone time. And then seasonal depression for both of us with the winter, not being in the sun, like wow, right? So going back to our worksheet, once we sat down and listed it out, right? Here are the things that were resourcing us and triggering us last year. Oh my God, here are the things resourcing and triggering us this year. We started identifying really quickly, like, oh, there are triggers that, you know, are kind of right here right now that aren't going to go away, but there are some that we can actually be eliminating through conscious focused effort to get them done and out of the way, or reducing by our exposure to them. Um, and gosh, once we did this and we sat down, it felt so good to no longer feel so crazy about us being disconnected. Like I, my brain, when it doesn't have explanations for things like that, it will spin stories. It will just gnaw and chew and get into this whole, like, well, you know, maybe we're unhappy because like we're not meant to be together, or maybe there's an issue here, or maybe we both need to be single, or maybe we shouldn't have moved in together, right? All the stuff that is just like crazy made-up stories versus sitting down and looking on paper at what we're actually working with. And when we did, we not only were we shocked to see the triggers that were new that had come in, but we were like, fuck, there were some key resourcing things last year that were really working for us that we had stopped doing. And we hadn't realized we had stopped doing them, right? Life just kind of comes in and you just are taking it, you know, and that kind of it's like the self-care and the things that pour into the bank account can get placed last because you're just so focused on the withdrawals and realizing, fuck, that is not gonna work. So some of the triggers that we the other thing I loved was right, when we identified the triggers, we saw that there were specific ones that could actually be eliminated by, like I said earlier, really focusing in on those and devoting our like attention and resources to ramp up on like cleaning out those pieces or getting them finished. So coming back to Joe moving out of his previous living situation, right? Once we identified the triggers, he told me, like, hey, the moving out thing is like actually really triggering me. I didn't, by the way, I didn't know that. I did not know that he was feeling a lot of stress around that. But then, you know, he shares with me that moving in his childhood was really traumatic. You know, he would sometimes come back to his mom's home and she would have moved to a different place and like packed up all his stuff and he wouldn't know where anything was. Y'all, I didn't know that about him. I didn't know that moving was this triggering for him. So now in this conversation, as he's admitting, hey, actually, you know, this ongoing like me moving out is really stressful. Once we addressed that, now he had the motivation, you know, the motivation of understanding, like, okay, like I could really focus in this weekend and get this done. And sure enough, he did. So boom, trigger removed there. Lo and behold, right? I identify that scrolling on Facebook and Insta with the politics right now is not helping me when I checked in with like, what am I wanting most, right? For my life, I'm wanting to support the people I'm love. I'm wanting to connect in with Joe. Scrolling on Facebook and Insta actually prevents that. It puts me into such a stressed-out state that I can't actually drop in and be present. So, bada bing, we see it. Now I can eliminate it. And, you know, and it's not that now I'm not politically active, but it's that I'm being more intentional about where I'm getting that information. And also taking a pause to be like, oh, fuck yeah. Like my work is political. Helping women get out of the patriarchy. Come on, y'all. Like it took a moment to be like, okay, I don't necessarily have to be reading everything and posting shit to my stories. Like, is that actually having the impact that I want it to have? Right. Do you see the beauty of when we start diving into this? You you get so much more intentional. Where am I spending my time? Am I getting the best value in the things that I'm doing? And is it getting me where I want to be? So also for me, you know, a quick and easy trigger that was hovering over me was like, oh, I need to get my bookkeep, my bookkeeping, and my taxes done on my business. That's something I can now focus in on and knock out with the feeling of like, yeah, let's get this trigger moved out of the way. Now, another key aspect that I really loved and found fascinating is when we were doing this and we focused in on the intimacy block that was coming up. Um, through this list now, I was able to see that, like, oh, I have this trigger from the political things I'm looking at that is creating dysregulation in me and really getting me out of my body and up in my head and into like a fight-flight kind of space. So now we've identified, like, why am I struggling to want to be intimate, want to be touched? Why am I not initiating? And then for Joe, it was feeling less attractive in his body right now because it's winter time, you know, and for him and kind of, I mean, definitely for me. I don't know if this is the case for you guys, but when I feel sexy in my body, when I'm feeling good about how I look, I initiate sex more. I want sex more because I feel sexy in my body. So bada bing, we identify those. Once we see this, then we went to our resource list. And I, we checked in. Like, I'm like, okay, so what in 2024 was making you feel so great, Joe? Like, boom, right there. Two easy ones pop right out. Which last year on his resourcing, it was like being tan and having his nails done. Like Joe fucking loves when he has got gorgeous nails and he is tan. And God, do I as well? When that man is tan, ugh. I mean, I love him in all forms, but I cannot wait. I cannot wait for summertime. So so easy, right? I was like, oh, you can definitely go hit up a couple tanning beds. That is an easy done. And start setting up nail appointments again. He'd stop doing his nails over the winter because I this is just so me, y'all. I was like, I think we should give our nails a break, like let the nail beds recover. And so Joe has beautifully joined me in that. And also, that's just an easy, okay. This is something you love that makes you feel really beautiful and like sexy in your body. Put it back on the list. Start doing that again. Right was realizing, okay, the biggest thing is just stopping the scrolling and instead using that time, because it was happening a lot in the mornings, like when I'd get home from the kids, taking them to school, using that time to lean into my spiritual practices, which was getting back on track with my daily tarot reading every morning. In fact, I'm just gonna give y'all a quick like fun. This is like a bonus extra little worksheet, not worksheet for y'all, but tool for y'all. I cannot recommend this enough with your Chat GPT this week. Actually, I went and programmed it with my daily tarot spread. So I explained the spread and then I was like, I want you to remember this as my daily tarot spread. And now every morning when I wake up, I pull my cards and then I just type them in as like, here's the spread for the day. This is one, two, three, four, and it gives me back this gorgeous tarot reading. So if you also are looking for something to resource you in the mornings, you can tell Chat GPT the spread that I love to use is a spread where um, so this is kind of what I would type into Chat GPT is like, hey, chat, I want to be able to do a tarot spread every morning that'll be really, you know, grounding and illuminating for my day. Um, the spread's going to look like this. You know, spot one is the theme of the day, spot two is what I need to lean into, spot three is what I need to let go of, and spot four is a message from my higher self. Um, make sure and remember this so that each day when I come back and tell you what my cards are for the day, you can give me my reading. Boop, done, send it in. And then each day when I pull my cards, all I have to list is like, here are my cards for the day. And I list one, you know, King of Pentacles, two, four of cups reversed, and the wheel all the way down. There's my reading. So that was a place where I was like, I can shift and be resourcing here instead, connecting into my personal touch practice, right? Getting back in touch with my body, with my sensuality, um, turning On more music. Like I had really stopped listening to music a lot and moving in my home and moving in my body to music. Um, together, both of us, you know, committed. Last year, we were doing a lot of ecstatic dance, a lot of being out in our community. February and January, we just like hunkered down and we did not have that. So it was like, okay, that's a resource, that's a resourcing place for us. We are gonna commit to being out more in our community and really attending ecstatic dance. Um, and then prioritizing taking time with the sexual intimacy, which, with all of these, like, you know, gosh, this has only been like, I don't know, three, four days since we had this conversation. Lo and behold, y'all, after having this big conversation, being really open and honest about how both of us were feeling that distance, right? And personally struggling with our various triggers and the different things we had going on in our lives. And then doing this worksheet, ha, we've been this weekend like the most connected and intimate we've been in seriously two months. So ding, ding, ding, y'all. Not only is this gonna be a worksheet that you use going forward for yourself, and and so important too. Like, I'm like, maybe don't even keep it if you're keeping it as a worksheet, like take a picture of it, but a note on your phone so that when things are going really well in your life, you know what's working. So that in six months, if you're like, what the fuck has happened? You can go back and look at, oh, there's what I was resourcing with. Oh, there's what my triggers were back then. Here's how my triggers have changed, right? Uh, so beautiful, so powerful. Now, in this last section, I want to bring in some nuance around this for you as well. Because as I said earlier, right? The resources that work for me um may not work for you. Okay. Everybody's very, very individual. And what resourced me previously at different periods in my life, in some areas, is different now. And so I want to dive into that because I think this will be key for a lot of you. For instance, when I was married to my first husband, you know, where now with Joe, physical touch and affection is like a big resource for me. That was not in the resource section of the list back then, as heavily as it is now. Okay. And it makes me, in as I was thinking about this piece, it brought to mind a client that I have right now who is in this process of considering divorce. And her husband is also, you know, kind of waking up to how bad things are, really trying to change, trying to reinvest in the relationship. And he keeps trying to initiate closeness, like spending time together and physical touch, which in the beginning of their marriage, she did like and want more of. But here is the big, big but. Over the period of their marriage, there has been a history of a lot of trauma. There's been some really big tragedies in their marriage and loss that they went through in the past, that they didn't have the awareness or the tools at the time to do what I'm discussing in this episode, right? They didn't, they weren't able to like sit down, parse out, be able to say, like, fuck, a huge trigger has just shown up. We are gonna need to resource more. And so that really, you know, when you have trauma and triggers coming in to your personal life, and then also into the marriage, and there is no awareness or structure around slowing down, resourcing, and then healing through it together, what happens often is you grow apart. And that is what happened for them. Like it compounded over time, so much so that now they're in a spot where, you know, what might have been a resource for her in the beginning of the relationship is no longer the case. It is now a trigger to have him try to initiate closeness or physical touch when that was missing in the relationship for so long. And do you see, like, wow, why this is so key? Because he's over there thinking, not that, you know, not that he consciously realizes this, but we can see he's thinking, I'm gonna spend quality time with her, I'm gonna hug her, I'm gonna ask for a kiss. He's thinking that's in the resource line. And what he is not realizing is every time he's doing that, he is withdrawing on the account. Like, let that sink in. I think there's gonna be a lot of you right now where you're like big aha moment of oh, just because my husband's doing these things that for other people might be a resource for them, it really is so super nuanced to you specifically. And then the way the marriage has influenced what resources and triggers you. Um, I can't emphasize this enough because, right, this is also, I'm totally putting it together with the piece where so many of you say, you know, he's doing all these things. Why isn't it working? Because those things may not actually be things that resource you anymore. Or, you know, the bank account is so empty. The overdraft is so aggressive at this point, okay, that there is a lot of investment that needs to happen in other areas first to bring those ones potentially back online. And this is why, you know, this is my personal opinion. I know this is not a, you know, there are lots of other marriage therapists and other people who would disagree with me, but this is just where I come from what I've seen and the coaching I've done. I really do believe that if it is this bad, if the bank account is this overdrawn, it's so crucial for both you and your partner to be getting individual support. And, you know, maybe even discussing this piece and being able to say, we both need to go resource in ourselves first and heavily rather than trying to resource the marriage again. Because, right, when both of you are overdrawn individually and you're now coming together to try to re-resource the marriage, that's gonna be a shit show. And that's usually what it is for those of you that have told me about going to marriage therapy and it just feeling like, what the fuck are we doing? We're just walking around in circles, or it, you know, none of us, we don't seem to be able to make the changes. That's the whole clarity. Really, it's really difficult to have clarity when you are under-resourced yourself. So with this client of mine, I have been encouraging like more open communication for her to really explain to him the depth of how unresourced the marriage is for her. And that for her, like that is not somewhere because he keeps wanting her to invest in the marriage at this point. And what she's still dealing with is the trauma and the triggers around the past, where, you know, he was not resourcing into the marriage with her as they went through things. Both of them were in their coping mechanisms and um just getting through. That just that doesn't just magically disappear because he's now giving you hugs and doing dishes. Oof, right? Now, for those of you, right, some of you may not be able to do this with your partner. Great news, you don't have to do this with your partner. Okay. If that's the case, you can really just focus in on you. Because, like I just said, where I would have you start, anyways, if it's that bad, is resourcing yourself. Okay. And actually, like when I think about the coaching I do with most of my clients, that is the starting point, is resourcing your personal bank account, starting to show up with your partner more honestly because you're more resourced. And so you can be like, no, I'm not going to stand at the door and give you a 30-minute, you know, a 30-second hug because you think it releases endorphins and you're feeling insecure right now. I need to take care of me. And I can lovingly tell you that and explain that this is where we're at. It is what it is. And this is the work that I need to be doing and the work that you need to be doing. Okay. So when you focus in on yourself and you start you start making those deposits into your bank account, right? What that might look like is setting better boundaries around those various triggers that may not be able to be eliminated, right? A lot of you are gonna have the majority of my list of triggers were things that I can't just be like, okay, bye, gone. They are aspects of my life that are not going away, but I can be more intentional with how I, you know, the boundaries perhaps I have around my interaction with those things, or the communication levels that I'm using when it comes to those aspects, especially if it's, you know, a person that happens to be particularly triggering. And, you know, one I want to offer, right, for so many of you, if you're looking at your life, if you're just doing this list, right? Like what resources me, what triggers me, I bet 100%, one of your biggest triggers right now might very well be this push and pull and confusion and feeling trapped in trying to figure out what you want to do with staying or going in your marriage. And I really want to offer on this one, okay? Because this is a tough trigger to it, really is a tough one to do all on your own. And so I want to encourage you in this one, right? This is one that we can't just make go away. A lot of you just want to get the answer and like try it, but how's that working? Right? You've been trying to get the answer for a while. It's it's the answer is to resource, it is to introduce more resources that help. Okay. And of course, I'm going to recommend considering the community. That is an amazing resource that I have watched just change the women that have come into that community with me, change their lives so rapidly from just being around other women, going through the shame shit, being real and being authentic about it. I'm going to recommend on a resource considering a 90 minute. Like that is so huge going into a space with me where we just get to pour all of it out. You don't have to be in charge. You don't have to know all of the answers. And then coming out of it, what I give you at the end of that 90 minutes is resources. Like, here is this, you know, audio that talks through all of the obstacles and the solutions I've got for you. Here is this resource list with tailored books and podcast episodes and things that you can actually go start listening to, reading, and doing to resource yourself. So if you're like, fuck, I don't know what resources to add, yes, you do. I've got some for you right here. And if it's not me, then find a different therapist, find a different coach, find a different community that can connect you in and resource you in this area. The power that comes out of this, y'all, of preemptively resourcing yourself, okay? Because I, for many of you right now, right, you're in the space of overdraft. The bank account is empty. We are running on fumes. You can get to a point though. I am a testament to this. I mean, God, if I was not on like the worst overdraft ever when I first started going back to therapy in when I first went to therapy in 2017, shit. I was like 10 years deep on overdraft. Such a testament to how you can reclaim, you can learn how to resource and you can fill that bank account back up, even to the point, right? I talk about this often on the podcast, where the goal is that you are so resourced that you are not even withdrawing to give to others. It is just fucking overflow. It's like you're earning interest on the bank account. Okay, so maybe we shift it to a savings account, right? You've got so much fucking money in the savings account that now you are paying others from the interest on the savings account. Oof. Doesn't that just sound sexy? So sexy. And when you can start doing that, right, there is so much power in the preemptively resourcing yourself, paying attention to what am I doing right now? What's coming up? What if what are the new triggers in my life? Um, especially for y'all, when you are looking for clarity about something, when you are wanting to make a decision in something as big as this, when you can pay attention, like, okay, this is what's happening. Then I'm going to extra resource. When you think about it this way, y'all, it's like, oh my God, of course. It's so crazy otherwise to think that you would be able to make a truly solid, feels really good, in your bones, soul call aligned, right decision for yourself on this, on whether to get divorced or not, when your bank account is empty. Like that's not the moment. And absolutely there are people who do. Okay. I want to just acknowledge, like, that's what the majority of the world does, I think. And there are many, let me also mention, there are many women who don't even get the luxury of getting to have enough time to go do that. There are women who have to leave for all sorts of reasons. But if you are someone who does get to take that time to resource yourself, take it. Slow down. Use this worksheet. Figure out those key areas of your triggers and your resources first and start there. Stop stressing about the bigger decision of am I going to stay or go? And just come back into like how resourced am I right now? Fill your personal bank account again in whatever ways you find on that resource list, right? They're all going to be your own unique ones. Mine was like going to a pottery class, going back to school, thinking I was maybe going to go back to school back when I was trying to consider, um, when I was considering whether or not to stay married. Those were some of the things that resourced me. You can see in that how I was leaning back into like, I'm a human. I get to have wants, I get to have desires, I get to have things I want to accomplish in the world. As you resource and you feel that filling up inside you, that's when the clarity gets easier. You're going to be more honest. You're going to be more authentic and real in the relationship. That's going to show you how much is my partner willing to resource himself? Am I going to be the only one investing in resourcing and then having to support and hold up the marriage? Is my partner willing to do that work? If he, even if he is doing that work, is this really something where, you know, I think of it as like water under the bridge, right? With the client I'd mentioned earlier. Is there enough goodwill even left between me and this other person? Enough chemistry or attraction to create the spark to have to go do all of that resourcing with this person. And for some of you, it's going to be a no. It just isn't. There's too much there. And that's okay. You get to feel that way. You nobody else gets to make that decision for you. Nobody else has spent a day, an hour, a minute in that marriage with that person. It's it's just you. So you get to know for yourself. And I think it's so helpful when you are able to make that decision, not from a coping mechanism frantic, you know. Obviously that happens for some of us, but the ideal is being able to resource enough that you know, like, oh, I'm not starving. I do see my future. I feel more resourced, more grounded in myself. And this just still isn't what I want. Right. That's a pretty, really fucking powerful place to make that decision from. So uh, can we all just like I just want to like bring in and call in that our personal intentions for this year, maybe adding this to yours, is just more of relaxing into the abundance of that bank account and depositing into it from a like holistic, I love me, I deserve to be well taken care of space, rather than that frantic, codependent, there's never enough, I've got to take care of everybody else, let me put out all the fires because if I'm perfect, then I'm worthy space, right? Oof, chchch. We can just woof, release that, release that energy, come back into that beautiful overflowing bank account. Pink any withdrawals from our interest. Oof, oof, oof, oof. All right, y'all. Fuck yeah. This is such a fun episode. I love that I have an actual tool, something for you all to be diving in with. And like I said, I would be tickled, pink to hear back from those of you that try it, that get insights, that notice things. Um, you know, feel free to reach out. Yeah, emailing me is best. Decide at stayorgocoaching.com. I love getting to hear your stories. Um, and, you know, even above and beyond that, like, yes, I would love to get an email, but fuck yeah, I'd be even more stoked to get to meet you on a 90-minute session, to drop in together, um, to get to really explore, right? I mean, there's a lot on that of just seeing what your resources are, what your triggers are. Ooh, I'm thinking I may, I don't know, I may end up start incorporating a little bit of that into those. So, as always, if you guys are loving the podcast, please go rate it. That's that little star piece that you can click. But also, if you're feeling inspired, I would love actually leaving a review, a written one, writing about what you love, what's speaking most to you, why the podcast is different and unique. And then, of course, sharing it. If you know other women that you think need to hear these things, even if they're not considering divorce, there's a lot in here that's still just important for women waking up to patriarchal conditioning and taking back their power and following their soul calls. So please share as you feel inspired and know that I love y'all. I love y'all so, so much. Oof, I'm just sending, I hope you feel it in your little heart, sending you all so much love all across the world for those of you in all of the places that you are. I hope you take a deep breath. I hope you close your eyes for a second. Maybe imagine me sending you kisses or giving you a hug, no matter where you're at right now or what's going on in your marriage or your life with work or your kids. Just know you are not alone, and I am sending you lots of love. Till next week. Bye, my lovelies.