Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe.
SPEAKER_00Well, hello there. My beautiful, beautiful lovelies.
SPEAKER_01Oh, we are a few days away from the start of a new year, 2025. And I have been feeling really excited about just new beginnings, new fresh starts. And so I wanted to take some time to have an episode. I was like, oh my God, it's just it's gonna drop a few days before. This is such a perfect moment to do this. So in this episode, we're gonna be discussing um a couple of things that I've noticed crop up a lot for myself and for the women I work with around, you know, feeling frustration around your timeline, feeling shame that maybe you're not where you should be, and also comparing ourselves to others. And then I'm going to give you guys a tool that I just recently discovered in the last month in that book I was reading. The 10X is easier than 2X called the gap versus the gain. And then at the end of the episode, I'm gonna have a couple really just fun resources that I wanted to share with you guys that'll be lovely for you getting to kind of play as you start this next year. But before I do that, I just had to share some like really exciting data. I got an email from my podcast hosting company giving me my stats for the year. And as, you know, those of you who have been listening, you I don't know if you know, but like this is this was my first year. This was my very first year podcasting. I actually dropped the very first like three episodes of the podcast on January 1st of 2024. So I am coming up on my one-year mark for this podcast. And this was just like a really unexpected, delightful gift to receive from them. I didn't know that they would do something like this. I I know they do this for everybody who has a podcast, but this is my first time. And I had to share it with y'all because it blew my mind. So I just wanted to share some of the stats with you that I feel like really excited and proud of, and also that y'all were such a huge part of. So for the year of 2024, the Stay Orgo podcast ended up having 36 episodes, which will be 37 with this one, and y'all over 2,230 recorded minutes. Like, what the fuck? I don't even, I don't even that number doesn't even make sense to me. Actually, it does because most of my podcast episodes are over an hour. And thank you all for listening for these long ones. I swear, I swear you get on. If you see an episode that's under an hour, you're probably like, oh my God, what happened? She okay? Um so the podcast has been listened to in over 110 different countries. Like, what has had over 61,000 downloads, and this year was in the top 10% of all of Buzz Sprout. That's my podcast hosting sites, shows. So holy, holy fuck, yeah. I really loved receiving this at the start of this year when I began the podcast. As you guys know, if you've listened to my very first episodes, it was something I'd wanted to do for a really long time, but I had no idea how amazing it would be, what it would feel like to share my voice, my energy with all of you, and to receive back just so much connection and gratitude and love for this creation that I'm putting out into the world.
SPEAKER_02So I just had to share that with y'all. Like the top 10% of Buzzsproute Podcasts, that's pretty fucking amazing.
SPEAKER_01So yay, yay for an incredible first year. And here's to another even more amazing year in 2025. Okay, so with that said and shared, can we all just take a moment to breathe together? Oh, and really just drop in. I want to before we go into the episode, really just acknowledge that some of you may have seen the title of this podcast and without even knowing it, may have felt a little triggered or perhaps an emotional flashback. Right? Transition points, thresholds where we're moving from one space into another can be filled with a wide range of feelings for a lot of us. So even though I am coming into, you know, I'm like feeling very excited about this move into 2025, I just wanted to acknowledge that this time of year actually can feel very heavy. And because we measure time, even though time is relative, it's not actually real, but we as humans, we like to track it and measure it. A moment like this where we're moving from one year into the next can really highlight some of those pain points I'm gonna be discussing, those feelings of like I should have had it figured out by now, right? Oh my God, another year has passed and I still am here considering. But I really want you to just drop in and hear me as I tell you with so much love and truth. This is the truth, you are exactly where you're meant to be right now. Like right here in this moment. And I promise you are not behind and you're not alone. So I really want this episode, especially for those of you feeling anxiety about the new year or feeling very heavy, you know, especially going through the holidays, right, with the Christmas and the Thanksgiving season and when we're considering divorce, those can highlight a lot of the areas where we feel misaligned and where we want things to change, but maybe we still feel really afraid. I want this episode, instead of feeling like, let's go, kind of feeling, it's gonna be more of a really a permission slip for you to exhale, to reflect with me, to step into this space of the episode together where it's like this kind of sheltered zone where we're gonna be trusting in your journey, trusting in your path. So it is not going to be an episode about making resolutions and rushing into decisions. It really is gonna be more about the reframe than it is about taking or making specific decisions in this episode. So I really want lots of permission in your body, especially to be pausing while I'm talking. I'm gonna try and talk slower in this episode. Permission to reflect to if something kind of ooh, I don't know if you guys can hear that thunder. It is such a rainy, rainy, it's been a rainy this whole week. Um, and there's been thunder all day. Ooh, such a perfect mood setting for this um episode. But to really allow yourself, if you know, especially if emotions come up during the episode, to pause the episode, to reflect, to let yourself be drawn deeper by the emotions that come up and to do that trusting that your clarity will come when it's ready. And I promise you this. I have seen it over and over and over that, and I believe it more and more now, that the timing of how our lives unfold, I'm not really, I'm not sold that it's in our control very much, if at all. As much as there are just moments that are kind of pre-determined on that path. And so if that is the case, that's kind of what I've seen a lot with this decision. Then what do I want for you most? I want to help you let go of the weight that you've been carrying, perhaps. I want you to let go of the shame that you should be somewhere other than where you are and be comparing to other people's journeys. And through that, really stepping into this new year, feeling softer, maybe a little bit lighter, hopefully freer, and most of all, just more connected to yourself. Because although we can't control the timing of the journey, we do have a lot of power over how connected to ourselves we stay as we go through it all. So, with that framing and hopefully beautifully opening the space for all of us, I want to drop in with you to these two areas that I see just popping up over and over for my women who are considering divorce, which would be the shame around feeling stuck, around maybe knowing what you want to do, but not being able to get yourself to make that decision, or just thinking you should be further along, being frustrated at how long it's taken you. And then also the comparison piece where our brain, I mean, shame and comparison, I feel like they are like best friends. They're like hand in hand, where one is the other one, usually is as well, or close behind. So I want to speak directly, really, to this shame. I want to kind of bring it out of the closet. I want to help you guys all realize that you are so not alone in this. Okay. And it's not like we need to get rid of the shame or comparison, but we're just gonna make it make it really, really open and clear what they are, and also understanding. I think we often have those reactions and we think that shame's gonna help us get where we wanna go. And actually, shame tends to just keep us spinning where we already are. So a big characteristic that I have seen of shame in my clients, and also like shame that I feel is this voice, the voice of the inner critic, the one that tells you you are failing, that you should have left by now, or you should have been able to fall back in love by now. What's wrong with you, that you're still in the in-between? Surely you should be able to make a decision by this point, that if you had been better resourced or done more healing or had this or had that in the past, you wouldn't be where you are right now. And this really comes, you know, I want to offer that a huge piece of this shame and that what so many of you and myself experience is coming from our learned behavior, our learned pattern in childhood of that perfectionism, right? That if I can just control myself and if I can just be in charge enough of everything outside of me, maybe I can feel safe. I know this was definitely what I learned growing up. The lack of connection with my parents, the confusion, the pressure that was put on me, the parentification, right, of needing to not only manage them, but then eventually, you know, my younger siblings really created this feeling in me of I should not only know what needs to happen, but I should know it ahead of time. And then I should be able to execute it flawlessly where nobody gets hurt and everybody's happy. Anybody relating to this? And that can create this really intense, you know, the words that are coming up for me is are like when we become really type A, overfunctioning, always just our response to struggle is to step up even more, like do more, take on more. While internally this voice gets louder and louder, where it's never enough. There's always more. I wanted to share an example actually to kind of illustrate this lately, this piece of like the shame and the perfectionism. We had a total like fun Christmas miracle this year. A few days before my boys left to go with their dad for the first half of their break. My oldest found a little adorable, y'all, black kitten out in the. So we have a big kind of farm to market road uh out by where we live. And it's like 60 miles per hour on this road, y'all. It is intense. And I was about to take him to middle school, and we look over, and right as we look over, he he sees the kitten and this car drives past. It was seriously like two feet away from getting hit. I was like, oh my god. He jumps out, it goes up a tree, climbs it, gets it, brings it down. So we have had this kitten now living with us for probably about a week now. And as some of you know, I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast yet, but Jake, my current cat, is not a fan of other cats. And I have since found out why that is. I won't go into the details, but synchronistically, I had gotten in touch with somebody before we even found this kitten that let me know how slow you have to go when you introduce cats to each other. It literally has to take like over a month and sometimes longer of keeping them separate and them smelling each other but not seeing each other. It is a whole fucking process, y'all. And when I learned this, of course, where did my brain go? But to feel immense shame that when I introduced Jake to my previous cat, Ace, we did not know this. And the rescue organization that we adopted Jake from did not educate us on this. So we just brought him home, introduced him, thought everything was fine. Ace actually passed away a couple years ago. And afterwards, Jake just, you know, he would see cats in the art and freak the fuck out. See cats outside a window and just hiss and yowl. And so I find out, oh my God, I was supposed to introduce him slowly, and now he has this trauma around other cats because of a choice I made from not having enough information, right? So I didn't really realize how much I was kind of in the background shaming myself. We now have this kitten come in. I we've kept it separate in another room, right? But in having it in the house, it just adds in a whole other dynamic of there's now this cat in the house, you know, Jake having to adjust to it, occasionally hissing. The kitten recently in the last few days has become more like, I want to be out, I want to be with y'all, kind of thing. And so last night it kind of came to a head where I was just feeling the pressure and the like, oh my God. And I want to describe it as like this is just the natural discomfort that comes from growth that I somehow think should be completely eradicated if I was doing it perfectly. Like, if I had just, you know, and this is the what-ifs, right? If I had just known and not introduced Jake to Ace, then then Jake wouldn't be traumatized. And now we would be able to introduce his kitten. It wouldn't be an issue, right? And so I'm I'm last night sitting with Joe and the kitten, like crying because I'm just feeling so taking on all of this emotional load, like, oh my god, I'm making Jake so miserable, and the and the kitten now has to stay in this room. And you know, if I had known back then, then it wouldn't be this way. And God, how I love my partner, Joe, because he just so beautifully was like, B, even if Jake didn't have this trauma, this is what it would have been like for them. In that it just takes cats' time and it's not comfortable. And he also shared this beautiful perspective of this is an opportunity for Jake also to get to work through his pain. And and I just was like, oh, and I could see how little I actually had control over any of this and how much I was torturing myself and really thinking I was the one responsible, and that somehow it should be going better, that somehow everybody should be feeling better about this. Now, in this story I'm sharing, I'm talking about cats, right? But I'm sure so many of you can relate to this feeling right now of perhaps feeling this deep responsibility for your children, your parents, your husband in this decision of considering divorce and really beating yourself up internally that you don't have the answers yet, or that it is still taking time. And what I want to really convey to all of you is this trust in the timing and that there is no countdown clock, I guess, on your growth, on your decision. There really is not this external pressure of you have got to figure this out now. And not only do you have to figure it out, it's gotta be perfect. I truly believe so much of that is that internal critic we developed as a way to cope with the things that were missing in our childhoods. And through that story to really show you guys just how much that shame that I was feeling, actually, what I noticed too was in collapsing under the shame, I'm actually showing up less for Joe, for the kitten, for Jake, because I get so tightly wound in my head that I should be doing better. And I get so critical of myself that I stop loving me. And when I stop loving me, I start to get really critical of everybody else. I don't know if you guys have experienced this, but literally last night Jake had gone out and was not coming back, and I had to go find him, and I just was so frustrated with him and projecting so much of like, well, he's not coming back because we have the new kitten and he's upset and hurt. It was a whole multitude of stories, y'all, not grounded in fact at all, that were really just pointing me back to how much pain I was in in that moment from something new coming in with individuals I love, right? I I love this kitten. I love Jake. I want both of them to be happy. And the reality is that's just gonna take time right now. Do you guys see it? It's just gonna take time and it's gonna take them going through their own messy processes. And those are processes that I actually cannot physically like speed up or make better right now, which is what so many of you want, right? We want our children not to suffer. We want them not to go through the hardness of the discomfort of seeing their parents unhappy and then potentially, right, getting divorced and the the discomfort that happens through that process. So I I wanted in in sharing this story to kind of expose, right, the difficulty, the hardness that we may be experiencing in our bodies when you are making a decision like this. You know, for me, it's it the the kitten is just a small example of like a decision of a change, right? A change in our family that is uncomfortable for everybody involved. And how it can, because it's uncomfortable and other people are maybe not liking it, you can start to really shame yourself and think that you should be able to move through. It faster or that you should have all the answers ahead of time, right? That's the perfectionism piece. Thinking you are supposed to have the answers ahead of time is, you know, when we really just sit with it, it's like, oh my God, that is so not life. It just isn't. It truly is a childhood reaction to trauma. The like, if I could just know everything ahead of time, then I'd be safe. So I want to reframe for you all this idea that you should have made a decision by now or should have the answers because in acknowledging that this is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make, ergo, it makes a lot of sense that you have taken time to navigate it. And doing that with care is not a failure. I truly believe that that is actually a sign of strength. Taking your time to understand yourself. You know, I really was thinking back to what it was like when I was navigating my own moment of deciding whether I wanted to get divorced. And I think I've mentioned on the podcast before that a year before I filed, I actually had a moment of like really, really powerful deep soul clarity where I knew that divorce was kind of the answer and even kind of like it's gonna be okay. But I was still so desperately hoping that we could avoid it. It just felt so big still. And I remember at the time really having that like awareness, that knowing, but not yet in my body, like being able to move forward and make the steps right. And then of course it took a whole nother year before I actually did that. But I remember during that period when I started like really backing off from the work me and my therapist had been doing, we'd really been diving deeper and deeper into uh more of the narcissistic patterns that were present in my marriage, a lot of the codependency that I had. And I remember feeling some shame with her because I knew she knew the shit that was in my marriage at the time. I knew she knew that I knew the shit that was in my marriage at the time and that I was still choosing to stay, but I just couldn't move make that move yet. And I will always be grateful to her that she did not push. She she knew the value in going through the experience of making the decision. And this, y'all know, this is like one of my all-time favorite realizations is that the process of getting to the decision, the journey you make to get to the moment of knowing whether you're gonna stay or go, that is the biggest gift in the whole thing, because who you become through that process is what you're actually really wanting most. Let me say that again. What you think what you want most is the decision, the moment of making the decision. But it makes me think so much of like they talk about people who win the lottery and and how within like three to five years everything they won is gone because it's like too much too fast to just boom, have it all at once without having built through the journey of creating that money, the capacity to hold yourself in it. Y'all, that is what you're doing in this journey of considering. You are building out capacity in yourself. You are learning how to walk with yourself, how to process emotion, how to be present with your desires, how to sit in the gray of wanting something and not being able to have it yet, and feeling through misalignment and like oh, so many beautiful things that you are developing and uncovering and creating within yourself in this process. And that was really what I saw over that year. Yes, I kind of knew my decision, but I just wasn't ready to make that move. And over that year, I did a lot of self-development. I tried new things. I look back, that was the year actually where I was, you know, doing a lot of leaving my religion because right at the end of that year is when I left the religion and then like two months later ended up filing for divorce. It all just kind of like boom, all of a sudden the timing was there. But here's what I learned most about that period, y'all, is that often we think, and we do have a lot of shame, thinking that like the indecision is a failure, that like my goal for you is to make the choice, and it is not. That's why I am the considering divorce coach. Because I know that this time, however long it takes, where you are coming into connection and strengths with yourself enough to know, to truly know, that is worth so much more than the actual decision. And that is the hard-earned work and like creating of yourself that makes once you do make the decision and you move into that future so much more powerful. So, this is actually reminding me of a client. Um, I have a special, you know, exclusive podcast episode interview with her that's only in the community, where we discuss in depth this kind of this exact same process for her of her for years before she ended up meeting me, kind of doing everything she possibly could in all the other areas. We're talking yoga, meditation, reading the books, going to, I don't know if she went to the retreats, but you know, just in any way she could, trying to find what was going to work next. And she did. She went and she explored in all those places. And because she did that, by the time she met me, we just happened to hit at the exact perfect moment for her with her timing in that we started coaching. And within like a month, I believe, actually, I think it might have even been like her second or third session. She's like, I want to tell him, I want to file. And I was like, Okay, okay. And at the time, I was like, You sure? And she was like, Yeah, it like we checked in with her body, it was a solid. And that was just such an example to me. I mean, this had been years. I believe she'd been married for at least, I'm just gonna throw out the number, I think it was like 18 years. Um, but our timing of us meeting happened to coincide just so perfectly. But also, she had been doing all of this gorgeous journey before she even met me. And then I have clients that I have worked with for over two and a half years who, when I met them, were in very different spots, right? So this is the other piece of really letting your journey be what it is, letting it be yours, trusting that your timing is like tailor-made for you. And that this process of gathering information, of sifting through yourself, your beliefs, your desires, that that process is the very thing that is giving you so many beautiful gifts. Those gifts that I can't give you, that you can't even give yourself if you were just tomorrow to be like, oh, I'm just making a decision, let's do this, you know, flip a coin. That's not actually going to give you what you're wanting most. It's the journey and the process. So with that in mind, right, I think a key piece of the second part that like gets us all trapped in this whole thinking our life needs to be on a different schedule is exactly what I was just describing, right? If the client that I've been working with for two and a half years were to compare herself to the client who met me and within a month and a half has made her decision and is getting divorced, there could very much be a feeling of like, what's wrong with me? What why can't I make that move? What's what's happening here? So I want to drop now into the comparison piece and also just bring that right out into the open of like, if you struggle with comparison, you are part of my tribe. I get you, I see you. Those of us, especially if we are the, you know, perfectionism, wanting everything to look great, how do we figure out what those standards are? We've been trained to do it through looking out at others through the external world and then going, okay, how much am I matching that? Right. I've definitely been there. I remember I've had it come up a lot when I first got divorced occasionally, just the feelings of going to like school events and being the only one. I live out in the burbs of, you know, Dallas, Texas, really the only one in that room that's like divorced or single. And at the time, you know, I was able, I had enough tools as a coach to be able to really channel that and actually use it as kind of like a hell yeah, I don't want to be like this people anyway. You know, I knew enough about my desires to be able to go, yes, I know that I am not like these people. And actually, instead of that creating shame for me, that is creating a lot of like, yes, that is a good thing. I'm okay with that, because although they love their lives, that's not the life I want for myself. But I've definitely for me had moments, especially over the last three years, of seeing other coaches or other people making big changes in the world.
SPEAKER_02I remember finding a book a few months ago and having to reach out to Quinn and being like, she's basically written everything that I would ever say, and I don't think I have anything to say.
SPEAKER_01And I remember Quinn said it so gorgeous. She was like, There are people out there who will only be able to hear what you're saying, like that message in the way that you're gonna say it, right? And it was her, she said it so beautifully. She's like, we want lots of people talking about this idea, the ideas that you're discussing. And we need lots of voices saying it in very unique ways because everybody's gonna hear it in the voice that works best for them. So just another like beautiful reminder of although I may be giving something that's very similar to somebody else, the way I give it is super unique to me. And that is so what we want to come back to when we find ourselves getting caught in the comparison, in the thinking somebody else is further ahead, they have it together. Why can't I get my shit together like them? Right. And especially in today's world of social media, where it can be difficult for our brains to realize when we're looking at friends on Facebook or Instagram that what we are seeing is their highlight reel, really. And our brain can't delineate that. And so it takes our messy behind the scenes reality and goes, Wait, all I see of them is this highlight reel. I must be doing something wrong. I wanted to offer. And this is something that I really, this is something I used multiple times when I was going through my journey considering divorce, and I still have quite a bit of distance when it comes to social media because I know myself, y'all. And I know that typically social media, if I am looking at it, I think I find too, especially if I'm looking at it with people who are like in my same age group or or people that I know that maybe I have history with, that can be just a no-go for my brain. So I wanted to offer that something that I've really loved and used in the past is either getting off social media entirely, which can be so beautiful with the start of the new year, just kind of having that clean clarity of there's no other voices really coming in at this moment but yours and the ones you are picking and curating specifically based off of what you want most. Or super easy and absolutely recommend this one is just unfriending or stop following the people that trigger you the most. I remember specifically going in and like muting people on my feeds, and I still do it because this is my life, and I only want things in it that are really helping me ground into the the version of me that I want to be, right? And I really am big on like stopping any kind of energetic siphoning. So if me seeing a post from someone that kind of creates this drama or this emotional flashback for me, I'm going to intentionally go in and unfollow or mute that person because where I want my energy spent is connecting with the people I love or building the things that I want to build in the world. I don't need it constantly being distracted or pulled away into things that ultimately don't really matter, right? That person has no idea what I'm feeling and thinking. So I wanted to throw that one out as just a like little reminder for many of you. Either unfollow or mute the accounts that are triggering you the most, or potentially get off entirely. And I will tell you guys genuinely, what you hear from me on the podcast, the clarity of my voice, the clarity of my thoughts, I attribute a lot of that that for the last three years in my business, I really didn't listen to a lot of input from other voices. I just found whenever I would, it was just too difficult for me not to slip into comparison. So instead of judging and shaming myself and like, oh, I should be able to be in all these coach groups and hear what everybody else is doing and see their posts, I was just like, you know what? That doesn't really work for me. I'm gonna take care of me and I'm gonna trust that I can follow my intuition. And boy, has that paid off because now I feel like I have this very unique perspective that is mine and comes from my experience. And I now this year have felt, I and I think it genuinely came from taking that quiet time and that space away from others to really ground into myself in my journey has now allowed me this year. I've felt it open back up to wanting to collaborate now, to wanting to hear others' voices and to share resources and to incorporate their ideas and to share their ideas as well. Where previously I needed the time to figure more out about who I am. So I really want you guys to know who you are. You are one of a kind, and you really do not need as much as the world sells you on it, right? Anyone else's versions of success, whether that be the big home, the big cars. I'm thinking of a client I have right now who one of her biggest things when I coached her on her 90 minute was this we have all the fancy things, but I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel vibrantly connected to my life. And as I spoke about last week in that podcast episode, that's because those aren't actually her values and her priorities. As much as the world, as much as social media has convinced us all that the really pretty house and the pretty cars and the pretty children and the pretty Halloween costumed pictures where we're all in a theme are what make you happy. They may not for you. And so, really encouraging you guys to give yourself some space to really check in with what do you actually need? What do you actually desire? And to also like call to you and say that I truly, for myself, when I am thinking about how I measure my life, I want a life that feels like it is tailor-made for me. That's the point I've gotten to. I would say for the most part, I don't judge my life that much based on anymore off of other people's standards. I have a partner that's very untraditional, very opposite all of the standards that I was taught when I was raised in Mormandom and by my mom. I have a career that's very different than the standards and values. I have a career that, you know, takes a lot of time away from my children, running my own business, wanting to take that business even bigger, having my focus, one of my top priorities in my life be me and my business. That is completely different than the life I was told I should want. I want to, in pointing out the comparison, to bring you all back into that beautiful haven that is at the center of you, which is your story and that your story is yours alone. And God, what a relief it is when you stop living your story trying to compete with someone else's story, and when you instead start dropping into the gorgeous beauty that is here in your story that many of you aren't even giving yourselves credit for, right? That because you're looking at other people's stories and where they're at in their timeline, you don't see the incredible gift that is you, and that you are living your life in a way that no one else could do. Isn't that the beauty? I mean, you guys know that's what I talk about a lot on my podcast is sharing with you guys the incredible, unique and one of a kindness of my life, because that's what I want for all of you as well. I think that's where we really get amazing, where the world starts to really open up and just shift massively, is when people start living from their stories instead of a script written for someone else. With that in mind, the shame and comparison that we are as humans kind of predisposed for, and especially as women, I want to talk about a tool that I learned over the last month in that book. The 10x is easier than 2x. He discusses this idea of moving from your gap into your gain. And I have found this tool to be incredibly helpful, and it's what I want you guys to be focusing on and using as you move into this new year. So to just break it down for you all, when they are speaking about the gap, okay, the gap is the space where you are focusing on who you are now in comparison to who you want to be. If I was looking at a client that's been working with me for two and a half years, right, it'd be her looking at how she's still an indecision and looking at the gap between her and the future self of having made the decision, moved into the life she wants, living happy, feeling really confident and certain in herself. And it's a lot of focusing on what you're still missing and where you think you have fallen short. And I will tell y'all, it is fucking draining. It is draining, okay, when you are in the gap, because you are so focused on what you are not yet versus the gain. So the gain is a perspective where you're focused on who you were previously and who you are now. And this is where so much of your power lives because in the gain, you see how much you have already overcome. How much the woman you are now is so different from the woman just a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. I mean, holy shit. So just to play with you guys a little bit, if I were to do this right now, if I were to sit and think about where I want to be, right? My future self. I told you guys in that episode a couple episodes back, the dream of having my own company, employing other female coaches, creating this just incredible world, this big world having a massive impact in the world. Well, if I stay in that space, y'all, who gives a fuck about 61k downloads this year, right? When each episode gets downloaded, it gets maybe 1800 listens with each new episode. I would look at those numbers and I would be like, it's not enough. It's not enough. It needs to be more. I would look at the number of clients I have or the number of women. This is a good one. The number of women that are currently in my community. And I would feel like, ugh, it's not enough. It needs to be more. Do you feel this energy? And I would feel really discouraged. I'd feel a lot of pressure from this space. I would definitely be moving into comparison, right? I can think of some coaches right now that I would look at and be like, oh my God, look at how fast she was able to do that in a year. What's wrong with me? Okay. Versus if I sit in this space and I think back on the gain of where I was just, I mean, holy shit, a year ago. Let's just do a year ago. I mean, Y'all, a year ago at this time, I was coming off of the burn. I was super fucking open energetically, but I was really dysregulated and ungrounded around partnership and relationship. I had no plans or idea that I would ever have a partner that would be like living with me and my boys that I would feel deeply supported by. I had not dropped a podcast yet. The community wasn't even, it was like a twinkle in my eye. Like I was not focused on a community. I think I was more focused on creating a course than I was the community. I definitely did not have any like big ideas of having a potential company in the future. And if I go even further back than that, you know, two years ago, I was dating a partner that looking back now with hindsight was actually very abusive verbally and emotionally. That at the time, though, and it's so beautiful because if I were to go back to that moment, he was again in the moment because the people I'd been dating before that, I hadn't been able to like love and really connect with and build something with. So each moment of the journey was like the next step, the next step. I'm even looking back three years ago, my family was falling apart. I was dealing with repressed memories coming up. I was needing to go do brain sprotting every week with a therapist. I could hardly function a lot of the time, much less be creating something like I have this year with the podcast and then the community, because at the time I just needed so much deep healing work. Wow, right? Do you guys feel this different energy? This, like, oh my God, shit, Britta, look at you. Look at all you've done. Look at how capable you are. Look at how much you have grown and shown up for yourself. And it also, I love doing this gain work because if you let yourself do it, it really starts to blow your mind. When you take yourself back like a year or two years, I mean, hell y'all, if I were to go back seven years, talk about a really big fucking gain. Seven years ago, I was married, Mormon, drowning, suicidal, plagued by deep dark depression. And the thought of ever being a coach or having a community or any of this, or or you know, my partner, like none of it wasn't even on the horizon, wasn't even in my wildest dreams that that was not part of this. One of the things that is so powerful about the game is it puts life in perspective and you start to realize, oh wow, holy shit. Just like I was saying earlier, I have been doing so much work on this journey. You start to actually see all of those little wins you have been making. You start to see how much more confident you are becoming, how the the steps, when you look back and you compare to where you have been, all of a sudden those steps that if you're looking at the gap feel so tiny, you're like, oh no, that was actually a huge step. Right? Like, oh my God, you know, if I'm in the gap, I'm like, oh, the podcast needs to be bigger. But if I'm in the gain, I'm like, oh my God, even fucking starting a podcast was amazing, especially coming off of the two years I had before that, where I was doing so much deep trauma work and dealing with the like utter collapse of my family of origin. Like, wow, right? The gain allows you to stop with chasing the perfection of the future and to really start in this moment right now in the present, celebrating the progress you have made. And the other incredible gift about that is that when you do that, when you come into the gains, oh y'all, it really helps to lower your anxiety. Like you can feel the shift as I'm talking through these, you know, giving you this example of my own life, right? The anxiety and the pressure of like, I'm not doing enough, I need to do more, just slips away. And instead, I feel this grounded confidence and certainty. And I start to really see, like, oh, I can definitely trust myself and the timing of my journey. Like it's all unfolding perfectly. So, for you guys specifically, you know, if you are stuck in that space of the gap, you are going to really feel behind. You're going to come to the end of this year. And instead of seeing all you've done, you're gonna be only focused on how you haven't made the decision yet and that you need to be doing more. And why can't you figure it out? Oof, oof, oof, oof. I can just feel that inner critic, that comparison, that shame, versus the gain is going to remind you of everything you've done to get here. And that may involve things like, you know, the little boundaries you've set or even the questions you've started asking. For some of you, even just admitting you're considering divorce is a huge gain. That's really fucking scary, y'all. That is huge. You know, you may start noticing the strength that you have been developing over the year in even considering this different path. The connections you have made, the ways that you have shown up in very small areas, right? You guys sometimes forget because I'm so, you know, so much further down the road. You forget that I was like two and a half years of therapy before I ended up actually being able to get divorced. That was a lot of just coming to respect myself, seeing myself as an individual, believing that I got to have rights and decisions, clearing out a lot of the narcissistic programming, being able to identify it, call it what it is. Like it's a whole process, y'all. That sometimes we get really hard on ourselves for not already knowing. Like, I should know by now. And if you don't, I promise you that's because you're not meant to just yet, right? And instead of measuring yourself against this imaginary ideal that's either, you know, your future self or what you're seeing in other people's lives, you can even end up doing it with me. I've seen, I've even seen women in my community starting to kind of do it with each other, which is why I wanted to do this episode. And actually, this next month, we're gonna be focusing on this exact piece of trusting the timing of their journey and really dropping in deeper around that. I want you to breathe deep and lean back instead and give yourself some credit. Even for some of you, just listening to this podcast episode is radical.
SPEAKER_02It would have been for me for sure.
SPEAKER_01Just even clicking on a podcast that said it was for women considering divorce would have been a big step for me. So I have a little tool that I'm going to share with you guys. It's gonna be linked in the podcast episode that I hope will help you with this practice. And that's what I want it to become for this year, y'all. I want 2025 to be a year for you of focusing on your gains and letting go of the gap. Like the gap's gonna take care of itself, y'all. If I've learned anything, my future, the future I most want, like it is on its way to me. How do I reach that future? By being really fucking confidently grounded in my present and really proud of my past and doing the deeper work to go through and process the emotions around that, right? I mean, this is being brave enough to, in the present, notice the misalignment with where you want to be. And instead of shaming and comparing yourself, dropping into like, I've made changes in the past and I'll make changes now. And I just have to say, for sure, y'all, you are not the same woman just six months ago that you were, especially if you're in my sphere of influence. I have, I've just noticed the women that are drawn to me, you're often very growth-oriented. Like you are hungry for change. You are hungry for more. And that leads you to a life where you are moving, where you are up-leveling, even if it's in small ways, even if it feels slow. I really want you all to keep trusting the process. So, with that in mind, I want to share this tool. And actually, it feels so lovely to be sharing this because it comes from my original therapist, Pere Underwood. I adore, adore, adore that woman. And she would send out this year in review activity that the first time I did it, I remember being like, oh my God, I fucking love this. It was just such a beautiful way to reflect on the past and to also kind of peek a little bit and make some, you know, intentions, set some intentions for the future. So I'm gonna link it in the show notes and I really encourage you. You know, we've got a few more days till we hit the New Year's. Y'all take the time to do this. Take the time to go journal these questions. It is such a beautiful way to really honor everything you've been through this year. Like, y'all, if you have been considering this divorce this year, you have been through a lot. Okay. And I want you to take some time to celebrate that, to see the wins. All of the big ones, all of the small ones, all of the medium-sized ones, every fucking win from this past year. And to also, along with that, you know, be able to release the things that are no longer serving you, right? That pressure, that comparison, that shame. Like it really is not about fixing you because nothing is going wrong. I hope as I say that that you all realize when I say nothing's going wrong, I'm not saying, so let's just stay. What I'm saying in nothing's going wrong is this is your path. This is your journey. This is the unfolding of your soul in a human body, living the experience that is the journey of your life. This is a one-of-a-kind journey tailor-made to you and tailor-made to help you become what you want to be most. And when we frame our lives that way, right, we are more able to witness ourselves and all the, you know, humans around us, right? I'm thinking of like me and the kittens and Joe, right? With so much more love and without the judgment and the perfectionism and the needing it to all be perfect. So I'm hoping that this exercise will allow you time to really reflect and to create space for clarity, for seeing the gains that you have made, for really feeling joy in those gains, because that's what I love having my new year be about. It's not about, okay, here's the new intentions and here's the things I'm gonna make sure I do to be better. I see it really as just like a beautiful transition of like, mm-hmm, letting 2024 seeing all the highs, the lows, allowing for all the beautiful humanness that was here this year, and then letting myself pass gracefully into this new year. You know, controlling the few things that I can, which is being hard on myself or telling myself I should have done more or that it wasn't enough, or I should have made other decisions, right? Really letting go of that regret. Because when we're in the regret and the shame and the comparison, you know what it does? It just gets us more of the same. That is not where we change our lives from. We change our lives from deep self-love, from going, hey, look at me. I'm doing it. Now, another quick fun little thing that I'm gonna have in the show notes is gonna be a tarot spread that I found that is for the new year. This came to mind with this episode because this weekend, actually, my dear friend Quinn, she is going to do a tarot for the new year event in the community. And I'm so like fucking excited about it when she offered. I was just like, oh, yes, please, this will be so great. In the community, right? We have the coaching calls, we have the workshops, and then I love that recently we're introducing more of just kind of fun and connected activities. Um, we now have this incredible intimacy chat we do once a month, which is just like all the sex talk you wish you'd had that you never got. I am fucking obsessed with it. It's a way more like low-key open kind of format for that call. But this is a new one that we're doing this month too, which is her doing this lesson all about the tarot and teaching this spread that they can do for the new year. So the spread I found isn't the spread she's I don't believe is the spread she's gonna be using, but I found one online that I love. I love also after I've done my, you know, year in review from Parade, I love pulling a spread for the new year and pulling it and then taking a picture of it and getting to refer back to it each month as I go through the year, getting to at the start of the month, look what was the card that was pulled, reading up on that card, and then even placing that card up so that I know, like, okay, that's the card for the month. So the spread that I found for you all is a really lovely one that does have you actually pulling a card for each of the different months. If you don't have tarot or no tarot, this is still like a really great spread that you can use with your Oracle cards. Yeah, I know I've mentioned a couple different decks that I love. Um, I love Rebecca Campbell's. She has lots of great Oracle decks. And then if you are looking for an amazing tarot, I I love how I say it differently. Tarot, Tarot deck, the one that uh Quinn and I are just obsessed with is the Lightsears one. So I'll also have my assistant link that in the show notes as well. So, like so much fun, y'all. Let's make the end of this year a moment of reflecting with gratitude for our gains and then really bringing in some fucking amazing witchy magic through this spread that can just feel exciting and opening for the year ahead. And really, yeah, the word that just comes through for me is magical, like releasing the pressure, releasing the judgment and the shame, and trusting that your journey has got you. It's got you. All right, y'all. Thank you so much for being on this episode with me again today. Know that I love you. Ugh, I just feel so connected to each and every one of you. Know that when I record these podcasts, I definitely feel tapped into your energy. I also wanted to recommend, you know, something that I find as we start this next year, if you are feeling like you do, especially after doing this work that you're going to be doing in this episode with the start of the new year, if you're like, hell yeah, I'm ready. I want to go. And actually, I do want to drop in and get some deep clarity around what's going on with my considering right now. Um, I highly recommend my 90-minute sessions. Those have been another, I'm like having a gain moment. I'm like, those did not exist a year ago. I don't think those even existed six months ago. But they have been hugely eye-opening. I've gotten a lot of incredible feedback from women on those just being blown away at how quickly we can find where they're blocked. And then um, I love that you kind of have a roadmap going forward afterwards. I send you an audio. I love hearing back from the clients who've done it who are like, I've listened to your audio like two or three times. And then, you know, whenever they're going through like struggling or feeling lost, like they can always come back to that audio for clarity again on what we talked about, what their obstacles are that are currently keeping them blocked, and what the solutions are to get them moving forward. So it's really an incredible gift to give yourself if you're ready to move into more clarity and kind of making bigger steps at the start of this new year. So I would love to see you on some of them. You can find the link for that as well down at the end of the show notes. Here's to an amazing, luxurious, sexy, exciting, deep, playful, yummy, expansive. Twenty twenty five.
SPEAKER_00Let's go, y'all.