Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe. All right, y'all. It is Thursday night. I'm gonna be releasing this episode on Tuesday. But it's Thursday. I just got done with an amazing week with my kiddos and my partner. Y'all, I just have to say, I did not know it could be this good. I know I just did that episode all about that. Um, but this week, last night, in fact, I was laying in bed with Joe and I was just like, oh my God, I love parenting and being a mom with you. So I just had to gush a little bit. That is a totally new experience for me. Um, you know, when I was married, it was it was really tough for me being a parent in that dynamic. I actually need a lot of downtime and alone time by myself and time away from my kids to be a good mom. I can hear like Quinn being like, yes, this is true. Um so me getting, you know, divorce is like the best option for me. And I feel very grateful that I have, you know, a really, really great um co-parent in my ex-husband. And this dynamic of me having the kids, you know, on my days and them knowing they are with their dad, the other half allows me when they are back with me to just really sink in and savor and enjoy that time with them. And it becomes really deep. Like I feel like much more quality time is spent with my kids now because I am able to be present and be with them. And um as they have mentioned, it does seem to be like uh even more quality time when I have Joe around because he helps ground me and having his support and having his love and his presence there allows me to be um even more of myself uh with my kids. So we just had a really fun week this week, a week of going to football games and playing games with each other and watching Lord of the Rings on the couch all together. It was just, you know, making dinners together and also, you know, having drama and craziness as well. When I say it's dynamic, I mean all of it. Um but yeah, I'm getting to sit down. Um, my kids go to on the weekends that they are with their dad, they go on Thursday and they're gone until they come back from school on Monday. So I've just made it through this pretty epic kind of stretch in my parenting schedule, where when I have them, when it's my weekend, so I basically got them last Friday after school. And I've had them now all the way until Thursday, which I know those of you that have your kids full time, you're probably like, um, that sounds amazing. What do you mean having them for like an entire six days is a lot? But I have gotten used to not having my children 24-7. Um, so that is like a pretty long stretch for me. And one of the, I think I can say that. One of the first times that I've been like, wow, that went really, really well. Like I I like momming um with the support of Joe. Quinn and I are going to do an episode on this. We actually have like a two-part episode that we have already outlined that we're going to be recording soon, all about kids and divorce, where you guys will get to hear even more in depth, just you know, me being very real about what motherhood is like for me with CPTSD. My kids are phenomenal, wonderful children. Um, and they are also, you know, children. So, and CPTSD and children is just like a tough combo for me. So, all of that to say I'm sitting here. My kids are gone for the rest of the weekend. Joe and I have some really fun things planned. We're headed down into Dallas tomorrow. Um, getting to do some things with our ecstatic dance community and our friends and staying down in the city. So I'm just feeling like yummy and juicy and really optimistic and excited about life. So I wanted to take some time before I just dived in to just share that yumminess with all of you. And yeah, now we get to jump into this episode that I'm excited about and was built off of the episode we did just this last week. So um as I was doing that episode all about trusting the timing, this other section kind of came up and I was like, I cannot fit this all in one episode. I want to split them into two. And so it's gonna not really, it's not necessarily gonna build off of the last episode, but I think you'll see that like there are definitely themes and pieces that like apply here as well that tie into what we were just talking about last week. So the topic, as you guys will have seen from the title, is releasing the fear of making a wrong decision, which I know is just as I've heard from so many of you, um, the fear of not getting it right, either of not getting the timing right, or if it's you know, even the right decision at all to either stay or go, just paralyzes so many of you. So I'm excited to dive into this. Two other quick things, though, before we start off the episode, I had a couple things that came through after I had finished recording that episode last week. And I was like, oh my God, I have to share these with everybody that relate to what I was talking about with trusting the timing. So the first one is so insane, the synchronicity. Right after I recorded that episode, I think it might have been like the very next day, I got a voxer message from one of my clients. My clients and I use an app on their phones where when we're not in session, they can message me whenever they are going through something, uh, whenever something's coming up. And then I listen to them and I get to coach them throughout the week. So we're kind of staying connected into each other between sessions. But um, this client of mine, for seriously, like the last five to six weeks, um, she's already um told her husband she wants to get a divorce. So it was a huge, huge step. She'd hired an attorney. And with this attorney, she had been like, okay, like start moving on the paperwork. I'm not gonna go into huge details, other than during those five to six weeks, she had heard nothing back from her attorney, like kept reaching out, not hearing anything. And we were coaching on it a little bit here and there, right? Of her being like, This is weird. I don't know why my attorney's not messaging. And she would reach out, but she wouldn't hear anything back. So, you know, just such a good example of like the timing of one's journey because literally, I finished recording that episode, I get a message from her, and it's like, boom. She tells me that that weekend the attorney got back to her. They'd hired a new attorney. This attorney is now on her case. He like immediately gets the document sent over. She revises a couple of things, he sends back over the new one, she prints it off. She ends up sharing it with her husband. In her case, she didn't serve him, she just handed him the document. They call her the next day and they're like, You, you know, you guys can come in to sign. Like, what? I remember messaging her and being like, this is really surreal because we've just the last five to six weeks been like so, you know, and we I'd even commented, like, this is really unique. This is fascinating. Anytime I told you guys in that last episode, anytime things get a little weird with like what we expect not happening or timing changing up, I'm like, mmm, the universe is afoot. So um, I just wanted to share that because it was like, wow, just an incredible example of you know, nothing, nothing happening, and then all of a sudden, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And we may very well end up this week. Like she went in and signed today, and her husband's supposed to be signing, and they could be like moving forward to the divorce being done. Like, wow. Um, and she just, you know, brought up and filed, like, I don't know, a couple months and a half ago, two months. You just never know, guys. It just your journey is your own. The other thing I wanted to say that I was thinking of after that episode was I was thinking so much about how, you know, these thoughts that like we're missing out on happiness or we're missing out on something by not making the decision sooner. And I realized in thinking about my journey and then my partner Joe's journey, and how both of our journeys took every bit of like what we've been through to get to this point where we are ready to be with each other. And what I mean by that is if we had met each other, like even just two, three years ago, I don't think we would have been a fit for each other. And that's like wild when you think about that. That, you know, it he's the perfect partner for me right now. And the idea that that doesn't, you know, that even just a year or two years ago, he might not have been the perfect partner for me. And that's what I mean by really trusting that every piece of your journey is unfolding in the perfect timing that's leading you to be ready for the next steps. So, two little just fun stories to kind of drive home what I was talking about last week. Now, let's dive in. So, today we are talking about releasing the fear of making a wrong decision. And I'm going to take us through three different sections. And I am really loving, I'm using more of like an outline style lately in these episodes. And I hope that's helping. I've realized I give you guys so much information because my brain just flies when I hit the record button. So I'm trying lately to give you a little bit more of like a roadmap at the beginning to guide us. So, in that same vein, we are gonna be going through three different sections, encompassed in this theme of really releasing that fear. So, the very first section, we're gonna focus on the topic just straight up, which is this fear of making a wrong decision and how we release it. The second piece is where we're gonna dive into that how even deeper, which is focusing in on using your inner knowing as your guide and compass. And the third section will be this big overarching idea I want you guys to consider of embracing that imperfection is not like a what's the word for it? It's not like a glitch in the system, it is actually a part of the journey. Like imperfection is the journey. That's what we're here for. We're here for imperfection. So let's embrace it. Okay. So in thinking about this topic, I just, I mean, if there's anybody who has strived for perfection in her life, it is me, big time. Um coming from a very perfectionistic religion. Mormonism is hardcore perfectionism. I mean, they have so many rules, and if you just do the rules correctly, you get into, you know, specific areas of heaven. Um, I have lived a life where I have felt so much pressure to be making the right choices, and have felt, as a consequence of that, so much pain in confusion around whether a choice was right, whether it was wrong, um, a lot of inner turmoil, just so much suffering created in this idea that I am the one that's responsible for making the perfect choice. And I really hope that some of the things you'll take away from this episode is realizing that the idea that there is a perfect choice is absolutely made up. It is not factual, it is not truth. Yeah, the idea, even that there is a right or a wrong choice, is all ultimately just judgments and stories created by the mind. And that hopefully you can start to play with letting go of the need to be perfect and to get it right because I see that these two things are are like let me put it this way rarely do I see us pressuring ourselves to be perfect and to get it right actually contributing good things to our lives. Like stop for a second and really check in with like how much has perfectionism brought you like joy? How much has pressure to get it right brought you connection? Like the things that we actually truly value um deep down inside, if we check in, trying to get it right and trying to be perfect about it actually end up being like antithesis. Antithesis? I don't think that's the right way to say that. But they end up being the antithesis to experiencing those feelings in the now. So before we start, I just want you to play for a second with letting yourself consider what it would feel like to release the burden of needing to make the perfect decision and to instead just trust yourself more deeply in the process. Oh, yeah. Let's just breathe that in for a second. Like just for a second, we're gonna put down that burden of needing to be right and instead acknowledge that this is a process, and all we really need to do is trust ourselves while we go through it. Okay, so first section, this is where we're gonna dive into the nitty-gritty of releasing the fear of making a wrong decision. So why is this such a big piece that so many of you are relating to, right? Like, where does this even come from? So one of the thoughts I had when I was thinking this was like, we we but like what the fuck? Like, who told us what the right things were, anyways? Like, where did we even get the idea that there was a right way to do things and a wrong way? And I I realized as I was thinking about that, this is where conditioning in childhood comes from, right? This is where as a child we are like these, you know, brand new computers, never been programmed, and we are just downloading everything we see, we hear, we feel, we interpret around us. And some of the big sources that we are downloading from are, you know, um media. So what we're seeing on the TV, what we're hearing, um, definitely our parents, like source number one is our parents. Um, our culture, that's definitely like tied into the media piece. Um, if you were raised in religion, that can be a super huge programmer, especially one of the most powerful, because in religion, they are giving you the thoughts and saying they're actually coming from God. So you have this external big, massive authority of like the creator of the world who has these rules and ideas of how you should be doing things and what's right and what's wrong. So you have to really, this is where we have to start getting what I like to think of as like stepping into adulthood and getting more nuanced and particular about who's feeding us the beliefs and the thoughts that are now controlling our lives. Okay. And when we do that, I one of the things I love to do is to check in with like, okay, who told me that this was the right way to do this? And tracing that back, does this person or this religion or this media have the things I want to have? You know, does this person who told me to do it this way do they have a life that I want to have? So in the case in the case of my religion, I have realized that a lot of the and in and here's the here's the nuance, right? Of like not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Like there were beautiful things. There were things that I learned in Mormonism that did resonate with my soul that I would consider are like soul truths for me, around like loving your neighbor and caring about other people, right? And and not just, you know, letting yourself be the only focus. But there were other things that I now realize really did not resonate for me and actually led to a lot of fear and pressure. These ideas that, you know, really strong black and white ideas around who's right, who's wrong. You know, if you if you drink coffee, you're not gonna make it to heaven. And yet, you know, eating copious amounts of sugar is like totally fine. These really prescriptive ideas, these really narrow interpretations. And then, of course, watching my entire family like just massively implode and watching us grow up super, super Mormon really made me see through the illusion that these ideas of being right and perfect actually gave my family what they needed. It didn't. It created a lot of shame, a lot of fear, a lot of judgment. And that led to a lot of secrecy and a lot of lying and hiding of things and not dealing with things for fear of being bad. So that's like a big piece of stopping and going, where did I get these ideas? Okay. And why that's key is because when you look at the fear of being wrong or of messing things up, what that fear does is it ultimately ends up paralyzing you and keeping you stuck in decision. And you end up in that indecision just spiraling around and around and around. And what I want to offer is this idea instead that there are actually no wrong decisions, but rather only decisions that lead to deeper self-knowledge. So this is this is like a way different worldview than what I was raised with of you know, very prescriptive, you gotta do all these things, and if you do all these things, then you will be righteous. I'm putting that in air quotes, and you will get to go live with God again, you get to be in heaven, you know. Um, or you know, in some ways, like, right, staying married was the right thing. Um, and that's why there was so much fear for me around leaving. If I had instead known that like this life is mine and it is here to take me into deeper self-knowledge, I I know I would have had a different take on these big decisions that I came up against in my life back before, you know, I decided to get divorced. Because the focus wasn't on my journey and my deeper self-knowledge. It was on how do I do all these things that are the right things to do to get like the award, to get the A, to get the gold star from the institution, from the parents, from the religion. So to break out of this, we are talking about something way bigger than just, you know, right? I'm taking you into the realm of beliefs, of actually looking at ways that you have defined your life given to you when you are. Kid that you were programmed with, and realizing now you're an adult and you have the right, you have the immense power over your own life to get to choose to reframe how you think about decisions. And instead of thinking that they are right or wrong, realizing that every decision, whether it is to stay or leave, brings clarity and growth. Like, ah, right. This is tying back into that last episode that I was talking with you about of taking this bigger perspective of your life being about growth. And if you think about it that way, then there are no mistakes. There are only steps moving forward on the journey. Going back to mine and Joe's lives, as I was mentioning earlier, I looked back over our lives and I was like, oh my God, every single step I took, I want because it led me to this point. And I don't get this point without the entire journey before that. Like I can honestly say where I'm at now, who I am now, I am proud that I got married to my ex-husband. Because if I look back at that moment, that was the absolute right decision to make in that moment. And what that decision did is it moved me to Oakland. And in Oakland was where I woke up to more open, out-of-the-box thinking. I was, I met people, I became really good friends with people who were less black and white. I would never have moved to Oakland potentially without marrying my ex-husband. Ergo, that was the right decision at the time. And as I say that, I want to emphasize at the time. Because the other key piece of if there's no right or wrong, and it's all just decisions that are leading you to deeper self-knowledge, Ergo, those decisions can change. As you acquire more self-knowledge, it it's like stupid to think that they wouldn't change, right? As you grow, as you learn more about yourself, decisions are gonna change. You're gonna realize things that when you were, you know, in my case, 19 and getting married to someone you'd only known for three months after only having dated maybe like five, six people in your entire life, 12 years later, you know more about yourself. You know a little bit more about maybe what you need in a relationship. So I want you guys to play, especially this week, with really letting go of this all or nothing mentality that says that you have to figure everything out before making a choice. It's just not true. Because the beauty and the reality of life is that decisions can evolve and change as they do. Like that is the reality is that humans evolve and change as we go through our lives, ergo our decisions, the things that we, which is why I really like I chafe against these ideas that when we get married, we promise to like, you know, be with this first person forever. And if you listen to that um podcast episode I have about like the 50-year-long marriage, I just don't think that's gonna be sustainable or realistic for us as a society moving forward with how quickly we're evolving. So that's a little bit of like my take and the ideas. And some like I'm just throwing out new beliefs and ideas for you to consider and to really start questioning why and where you got the idea that things need to be right or wrong. And I know for some of you, this is gonna feel really like radical, really like, ooh, we are being bad, bad girls questioning. Like, no, no, no, no, no. We do not question. We do not question the authorities in our lives, but like, hello, welcome to adulthood. This is actually what you get to do once you are an adult. And I just want to say, so many of us as women, especially in a patriarchy, have been infantilized and brainwashed into thinking that we are not the authority in our own lives, that maybe your husband is, maybe your parents are, maybe your religion is, whatever it is. I want you to check in with who is the authority and voice in your life that gets to decide whether it's right or wrong for you. And are you giving that power away to something that you don't even realize, to something or someone that you don't even realize is getting to have the ultimate say on what's right or wrong for you? Something that something or someone that doesn't even exist inside you that hasn't spent a second in your shoes, who cannot feel what it's like to live in your body, are they getting to say for you what's right or wrong? This segues beautifully as I'm talking about the body into this next piece, which is okay, if I've just, you know, blown up this idea that there is this ultimate truth out there, this source that knows what's right or what's wrong. And this is me really like trying to also say, like, it's a I just want to like do a quick side piece to say for those of you that believe in God, this does not mean you can't believe in God, but I want you to understand when you really go look at the quote words of God that have been written down, they are all passed through men. They are all thoughts that have been taken and interpreted and redone in their own way through other people. So keep that in mind that when someone is saying this is the word of God or this is what God said, somebody somewhere had to write that down. And that person was a human. So when I'm going into this next piece, I'm wanting you to understand what I'm saying, nobody like there isn't a truth out there that we can definitively say, like, yep, this absolutely came from source, this came from the universe. There's people who will tell you that, but I don't know if they're telling the truth. So, how do we know what truth is for us? If everything out there, even if somebody's saying it's from God, is ultimately just like we gotta take their word on it. What do I think is the safest space for you to really know what your truth is? And it comes down to your inner knowing, something that I've also called like your inner compass. That is what I believe is the most sure, like unrefutable kick-ass got-your back guide for you. So let's dive into it. When I'm talking about your inner knowing, I'm really I I want to parse out a little bit that this is where we get a little nuanced. Inner knowing is like that deep soul knowing. If you've read Untamed, Glenn and Doyle kind of references a lot it a lot in Women Who Run with the Wolves. I feel like she really like unleashed and taught me how to like hear and feel that. And it's really experienced in the body. I'm gonna talk about that later in the podcast. But for some of you, and I do want to like this is important, so listen to this piece. I want to acknowledge that when I was first getting into therapy, started in my journey with self, what would I call it? You know, self-knowing, self-empowerment. At times it was really hard to hear my inner knowing because it was so fucking covered up by all the programming. So a lot of my work in the beginning was just peeling off those layers, starting to peel back and take off and examine and go, wait a second, what's this? What's this? Where did that come from? I've kind of described it before as like going into a home that's filled with all of the old shit from your grandma and your grandpa and that teacher in school and that boyfriend you had that was abusive, and your mom and your dad, right? And really looking at each piece of furniture and going, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, where did all this come from? And part of why that piece is so crucial is because sometimes the voices, not sometimes, a lot of times, the voices that you will hear in your head can feel, I'm gonna be really careful with my words, can sound like your inner knowing. You can think that the things you're hearing up in your mind are your inner compass. They are not. The mind is what gets programmed, the inner knowing is what you experience in your body. Now, as I say that, sometimes our bodies are super locked up, especially when we have CPTSD, when we are like in a triggered emotional flashback. Just to give myself as an example, when I'm in one of those, it is, I am not gonna be able to find that inner knowing and inner compass until I have calmed my nervous system, until I have downregulated and got that parasympathetic nervous system back online that and I'm back in my body, that's when I'm tapped back into my compass. So as we're talking about this inner knowing, keep that in mind. It is a key piece to know if you're struggling, like feeling it or experiencing it or really finding where that is for you. It may just be that you need to be, I don't really like saying you need, because I hate shitting on anybody, but there are opportunities for you to become more embodied, to get back in touch with your body and to gently find this space and to also be aware that emotional flashbacks and inner critic and protectors may be blocking you. Okay, so with that caveat it. Now that we've expanded into the idea that you can't get it wrong, I feel like this next piece of trusting your inner knowing is when life gets really fucking playful, exciting, and fun. Because instead of going through life constantly feeling like you are not good enough and trying to be perfect and trying to make everybody happy and trying to follow everybody else's rules and prescriptions for yourself, you get to start playing with moving through the world from the part of you that always knows what is, and I'm doing air quotes, right for you, even if the mind is filled with doubt or fear. Okay. This is a part of you that knows what's right for you, even in those vibrations. Did you hear how I said, even in those vibrations of the mind where you are feeling and creating the doubt and fear that plagues you and keeps you in that pressured space? So your inner knowing is by far the most trusted guide you have on this journey in this human body on this planet. Like, I will go up against anybody else who wants you to believe in external authorities, and I will always come back to like, nope, she should trust herself. I'm gonna trust myself. I'm always gonna trust myself over somebody else's opinions. So, as I was mentioning earlier, there is a difference between your mind, which is, if you'll notice when you're up, in fact, play with it right now, like kind of go up into your head space. That is the space that often spins in circles with overthinking and is crowded with programming and all of your protectors when they talk to you, that is where they are talking. Like, no, no, no, don't do this. Oh my gosh, what are people gonna think of you? Oh, um, you know, what are our parents gonna say? What's he gonna think if I say this? All of those pieces are up in the mind. While the body's wisdom is instead, and so I want you to like drop down from your head, down through your neck, into your shoulders. This might be uncomfortable for some of you, right? Because we typically spend the majority of our time up in our heads instead of down in our bodies. But as we're dropping down into our body, ooh, there's this like wild, deeply intuitive, like, oh shit. Like, this is the piece that's you know, from the stars. This is the piece that is ages and ages, you know, eons old. There is something deep and wild and untamed in here, which is what Clarissa Pinkola Estes in her book talks about. Like down here in the body is this deep intuitive knowing. Now, most of us, because we are women in a patriarchal culture, have been severed and cut off from this deep knowing because it is fucking powerful. And if you are meant to be controlled, which you know, just like news flash, ladies, like only in the last hundred years have women had the rights that we are now have, like that we are getting to enjoy today. So don't forget, our mothers, our grandmothers, our great-grandmothers, they have all had to shut down these deep intuitions and these deep knowings to survive in a world where they didn't have a right to leave. So, in a world where you can't leave if you want to, you have to stay. So if you have a deep knowing that you want to leave, but you have to stay, what's your only option? Your only option is to sever yourself from that. It is to shut that down. It is to cut yourself off from your body and in whatever ways you need to, right? I'm sure we've all seen the ways that that was done. Um, you know, I think of my grandmother, I feel like she really did that through religion. Her way of doing that was through finding Mormonism and just really moving into a space of like, this is my identity. My grandmother before her, it was a lot of alcohol and you know, substance abuse. Like everybody has their ways of silencing their intuition. So, seven, six, seven years ago, this is where I was deeply cut off from the wild woman inside. Um, and that's why I was dying. That's why I was in a super depressed, uh, very, very dark place, struggling massively to want to make it into the next day. How do we reconnect with this? I have to say for myself, one of the biggest pieces for me was working with my therapist who gently, step by step step, brought me back to myself. So I want to emphasize, and that's also like a big reason why I'm building this community, is the power of having other women's voices tell you you have a right to know what you know, to feel what you feel, and you are not wrong. That I think is one of the single most powerful pieces for creating the reconnection. It can be very difficult to do this entirely isolated on your own, especially if you are stuck in a situation where the only other voice, voices you have in your life are not supportive of that. So I'm thinking of a client I had early on when I was first starting coaching. I was really the only person in her life saying, like, hey, yeah, you know, she was coming to me. There was definitely sexual abuse happening in her marriage. And the only real insights, you know, the only real advice she was getting was from her mother, who was like, look, this is what marriage is, and you just kind of gotta, you know, you made a commitment kind of thing. And I was the one that was like, um, yeah, so you're coming to me telling me this feels really awful, that you're not liking this. Yeah, that's not okay. And in having somebody validate her experience of that's not okay, and you can trust yourself, she did eventually go on to end up getting divorced. So I think a huge piece of getting us connected back into our inner knowing is having other wild women around us who can say, I see you, you are not crazy, you are not wrong. You can trust yourself in your body. Now, another huge piece of that, though, is these other beautiful techniques that I have used. I would say um meditation was definitely a huge piece of that. You guys know I talk about Sarah Blonden. I'm gonna say it again. She was huge through her words, through sitting in nature in quiet, just letting her words run through me and letting myself cry or feel, letting her say words that like hit the insides of my heart and like shook it in ways that had never been shook. That opened me back up to feeling. And and I would add to that, like reading, right? Women Who Run with the Wolves was the book that really did this for me. The language she used, the way she spoke about things, opened and woke up parts of me that had been so shut down and disconnected. So I recommend that meditation, books that speak to you in this way. A big piece for me that has also helped me connecting into my body, and I just mentioned it, right? Was like spending quiet time, having time away from my children, away from my husband. Um, funny enough, that happened for me when I kind of stopped going to church because it was just creating so much conflict in my life. And it was the first time I'd been like at home for three hours alone without my children, and I was like, holy shit, I'm experiencing God and I'm not going to church. And it was because I was connecting to the divine within me. So having space, having psychic space, having quiet time, getting to be in nature, all beautiful ways to reactivate that connection with that deep inner knowing. Um, and then also, you know, I just want to offer that like another piece that has helped me so much with the body is as I gave you guys a couple episodes ago, right? Just tapping into what is real for me in this moment in my body. And I want to frame that by saying, you know, this would be just like simply allowing yourself to sit with the discomfort of whatever your situation is right now without rushing to make a decision. So sometimes y'all are spinning out into the is it right, is it wrong? Rushing to make a decision is going up into the mind to avoid the real wisdom that is in your body. Because if you stay in your body, as I've seen it in a lot of my clients, you're gonna feel potentially the deep grief that's there, the deep sadness, or perhaps the anger or the rage. All the things that you've been told are not, quote, right or okay for a woman to feel, they're they're right there. And those are the fuel. It's when you understand your deeper inner knowing and you know what your truth is that you're able to take those steps to make the decision. So isn't it crazy, right? That like we're so up in our heads trying to make the decision, make the decision. Is it right? Is it wrong? And all of that can end up being the very thing that takes us away from the spot where the real answer is, which is down deep in our bodies. So I want to go back to that client that I mentioned at the very beginning, and I want to, the one that I was talking about that, you know, for five or six weeks her attorney hadn't gotten back to her. I want to talk a little bit. I'm just gonna share a little snippet of her story because actually super exciting. We actually just finished up her three months of coaching, and she has agreed I'm going to be interviewing her and sharing her journey on the podcast. So I'm super excited to get to share that in the future with you all. But I think she's just such a great example of what happens when you get in touch with this deep, intuitive inner knowing. So When I first met her, she talked with me about how she had been married for 18 years and very, very unhappy. So, like, take that in, guys. Like 18 years of this. We meet, and some of the biggest work I did with her in our coaching was that val, like a big piece of what I'm able to do with my clients is this like really strong, energetic tapping into their bodies and validating their experiences. And through that, I remember one of the times we did it, just like being like, what does it feel like in your body? And her being like, This is it. And I was like, okay, then this, if this is it, then we trust your knowing. Um, and it was crazy because in that instance, it was actually her wanting to like go tell her husband, like, I want to get divorced. And it was so early in our coaching. After like 18 years of not doing anything, all of a sudden she's like, I'm ready. And I was like, uh, okay, like, and I was like checking in a little bit. And she, I loved it because she kind of pushed back and was like, No, I just really feel this. And I was like, Okay, so like in your body, you were like, Yes, absolutely. This is what I want you to feel grounded. And she was like, Yeah. I was like, okay, then we trust that. And um, as we were doing kind of our completion call this week, and I was asking her, like, what are some of the things you're most proud of? Um, what did you gain? She talked about this skill of getting into her body and trusting it and following it and knowing it's got me. If it's telling me go, then that's what I'm gonna trust. Even if my brain is like, but what about this? What about this? What about this? We go with the body. So, with that in mind, I just want to do a quick little, just really brief exercise because I'm trying to incorporate more of those. I'm wanting to like, instead of just talking at you guys so much, I'm wanting you guys to get to interact a little bit more and actually experience and play with testing what I'm saying. So I want you guys to just take a couple deep breaths. Right. I have been talking, talking, talking. We are all up in our minds, and now I'm like, whoosh, slow it down, take a couple deep breaths. And I want you to just we're gonna check in with your body. Okay, so notice your body. And then I want you to bring to mind a current decision you are wrestling with. Any, it can just be the first one that comes to mind, okay? It doesn't even have to be about your divorce, you know, considering divorce right now. So a current decision that you're wrestling with. I want you to think of I want you to think of this decision as like a yes and a no, okay? So think of the decision you're wrestling with, and then I want you to think of like two choices. So one being the like, yes, I'm gonna do this, and the other being the like, no, I'm gonna do this instead. Okay. So I want you to bring up the first one, and I want you to notice as you think about that decision, what happens in your body? Just notice does your body feel tight, heavy? Is your throat constricting when you think about that decision? Or maybe when you think about the decision, your body's like kind of getting lighter and you're feeling maybe a little sense of relief. Like maybe you're like, oh, okay, yeah. Maybe your stomach's kind of relaxing, maybe your shoulders are dropping. And maybe it's just the littlest bit, right? In the beginning, it can be so subtle. Now take that other decision, okay, the opposite from what you were just thinking about, and notice again what happens in your body. Notice if you're feeling excited, maybe a little bit of champagne bubbles, maybe a little bit of just the tiniest bit of openness. Maybe even feeling yourself drawn forward a little bit. And also notice if your mind wants to jump back in and take back the steering wheel and just gently, gently draw your awareness back into the body. We're asking the body right now, not the mind. Thank you, mind. We love you. We're checking in with the body. So for some of you, you might be noticing that opening. And then for others of you, maybe this decision is the one where you feel the like oof, tightness. Oof. Not so sure. These are simple clues from your inner knowing. This is literally, I know this is gonna blow y'all's mind, but this is the most important piece that I teach my clients is how to identify their inner knowings because I don't have their answer. I do not go into my coaching sessions when I start working with a client thinking either way, thinking, oh yeah, for sure they should get divorced, or oh yeah, for sure they should stay. I have done this for long enough to know I never know what the right choice is for you. Instead, my work is to help you get so deeply in touch with your inner knowing that, and then trust it enough, right? Because you got to be able to feel it and then go, okay, this is it. Even though I'm scared, I'm gonna make the move because I trust it that much. It never comes down to me saying, like, here it is, here's the answer. Because I know I can't give you an answer that you can't sustain in your own body. The decision of whether to stay in a marriage or leave is so massive. It is something that you have to have this inner knowing behind to do either one, right? Because if you leave, there's a massive journey. And if you stay, there's a massive journey. And I kind of love too, I'm like letting you all in like this is the secret behind how I get such amazing results for my clients in whatever decision they make. Because a lot of my focus, yes, we're we're definitely the like container is making this decision, but the work is in activating, identifying, finding, and reconnecting with that inner knowing, and then building the like badass trust in it to follow where it leads you. So I want you to play with that. I want you to play with this tool of noticing these subtle clues of is my body opening and feeling drawn to this, or is it closing and getting heavier? And I just want to say if this is tough for you right now, and with both decisions, you just felt like, what the fuck? I feel terrified in both. That is totally normal. And okay, there is nothing wrong with you. Okay. That is literally where I was at for like, I mean, I wasn't totally considering divorce the entire time I was in therapy, but a good like year and a half, I was still building my connection with my inner knowing to get to the point to be able to follow it. So, like I said in the last episode, where like a year before my inner knowing was like, yeah, girl, this is what's gonna happen. I hadn't built up the trust yet to follow that. And that was why I couldn't make the move. And so I had to take, you know, what I did is I took another year of just like going, and not that I took it intentionally, right? Life gave me another year of just growing, going through all these little experiences of I feel drawn to this. I'm gonna trust myself. I'm gonna, you know, maybe do this. I'm gonna trust myself. I mean, that ranged from like taking a pottery class to like going back to school and taking a calculus class because I thought I was gonna go back to college. Like it doesn't always have to look like I'm taking on the biggest decision of whether I'm gonna stay married or not right now. If you are literally feeling like, oh my God, I'm absolutely terrified I can't do either, then like I said, go start using those resources I mentioned earlier. Maybe your path is gonna be through meditation. Maybe the start of your journey is gonna be through a book that you read. Maybe it's gonna be through working with a coach, maybe it's gonna be through joining a community, right? That's what my community is a lot about, is about providing a space for so many of you that maybe aren't at the like, I need a coach to like fucking activate me and get me through this in you know, three months. And you're maybe earlier in your journey where you're like, I just really want to know how to even hear the voice. I will say this there is a step though. Wherever that step is, take it. And you know, I know you know where that next step is. That little thing that's calling to you, that little niggling feeling that's been like maybe that person, or maybe that book, or maybe that podcast, or maybe that coach, or maybe that whatever that maybe that is, maybe that pottery class, go do it. Each time you do, your inner knowing gets stronger. Okay, so now that we have those two pieces of understanding, there really is no real right and wrong outside of thoughts. And if there isn't, then what do we want to be trusting? Our inner knowing. The final piece that I want to give you guys is this overarching idea, which you know I'm just obsessed with. I know I gushed about it a little bit in the last episode. I'm gonna talk about it in a little bit of a different framework this time. But it's this idea of embracing the imperfection that is in the journey. And this is where we really come to this like beautiful big picture of the messiness, the messiness that life is, and that it is inherently imperfect. And if life itself is meant to be imperfect, if it really is just about growth and going even deeper into self-knowledge about ourselves, then of course the process of considering divorce is gonna be the same. And I want to really like offer to y'all, you know, we live in a day and age where I think so much of like the, and yes, like I know we all love the like happy, beautiful feelings on that end of the spectrum. Okay. And we really as a culture like celebrate and hold those up, especially on like social media. But I want to offer that like the beauty of your journey lies actually in its imperfections. Like, ooh, doesn't that feel just so rebellious? Like, I love how playful that thought is. Like, nah nah nah, everybody else be out there trying to look perfect and trying to be all the things. Instead, I'm gonna lean into the beauty of the imperfect. Like, this is the magic of children, of how children are so open and free and playful and like willing to be surprised and willing to explore because there is no right or wrong. They don't have an agenda, they really are just here to experience life. So, why striving for perfection really like collapses this is because, and that's like whether you're like, I think we we can end up having perfection in all different facets of our life, right? Like wanting to be the perfect mom or wanting to have the perfect marriage, or you can even take this to like I've seen my clients do it with like wanting to have the perfect divorce. Like they think that the divorce process has to go in a very specific way, and I'm always like, yeah, no, it's gonna unfold how it's gonna unfold, or thinking that you need to have like a perfect way that you get to your decision. Why this is so insidiously unhelpful is because it keeps us disconnected from our true selves. Okay. And I think this is one of the greatest sources of pain in the world, which is this cycle that we go into in our minds. I've already talked about it earlier in the episode of like being up in our heads, focused on is it perfect? Does it look right? Rather than the embodied experience of what we're going through. So to help you let go of that, I just want to remind you, and I want you to feel this when I say it, that it is okay to not have all the answers. Do you hear me? It is so okay that you do not have all the answers. And you know, heads up, you're never going to. I know that may feel scary. I am still in the process of like learning to live with the just like rawness of how life is not about having answers. So I want to like hug you and say it's okay. You were never meant to have all the answers. And it is absolutely okay that your path has been messy, that your path has maybe been uncertain or nonlinear. That is all part of the human experience. That, like, right? Like, who told us it was gonna be otherwise? Those people. This is the human experience. This is the heart and soul of it. This is why I love Untamed so much because Glennon Doyle, like, admits this freely and celebrates and is like, yeah, because life is this way, I'm gonna dive in deep because you never know what's coming next. I'm never gonna take it for granted. I'm always gonna go all in. Um, she is just one of the women that I think is like a really beautiful example of a life of like what I know she would like very openly say could absolutely be categorized as a bunch of imperfect decisions. If you don't know anything about her life, definitely go read Untamed. Um, you know, a series of imperfect decisions that ultimately led her to find growth and her deepest truth along the way. And that path, that ability to see your journey through the lens of learning rather than needing to get everything right entirely available to you. Like you can have that right now by just choosing to think my life is about learning. My life is about self-growth. It is not about me making the right choices or being perfect. So as I'm closing out this episode, I want you guys to um think about this. I think I want to leave this question as like something for you to journal on if you feel so inclined to maybe like write in a a note on your phone and just think about, pop it back up this week and kind of digest and and dig into it. Um, but the the question is how would your life shift if you allowed yourself to be imperfect, to not only make mistakes, but celebrate mistakes, and to still believe that you are exactly where you need to be, regardless. This once again goes back to that piece from my previous episode of like finding your space in the journey now, realizing I'm exactly where I need to be. There's no right or wrong. I'm just here for the journey. So I want to kind of close out by emphasizing to y'all that this, and I feel this like so deeply, like the unfolding, like you guys only I it's so hard for me to put this into words. This is your one potentially. We don't know what's after this. This could be like your one go round as this you like when I think of myself, y'all. I don't think of myself as Brita Joe. I think of myself as the um like the source that is inhabiting this character that is Britta Joe. And I want to give her, if I only get to be Britta Joe this one time, I want to give her such an incredible life. I want to live to the fullest extent that she can live. I want this, you know, if this is like a I sometimes think of like my life as like, okay, I'm probably gonna play lots of different characters. Like if this is the character that I'm playing in this theatrical production, I want to embody fully and be her all the way. And and I want to give a performance that is like uniquely mine. And yes, sometimes my brain goes into the like the comparison and wanting to be like everybody else. And I just have to like bring it back to what makes me magic is being me, uniquely me, my own journey, and and loving and being here for it exactly as it is. And as I've done that, y'all, as you know, my life has fucking taken off over the last five years. I have experienced some of the craziest, most amazing and hugely dynamic things of my life. Like, I love how Quinn sometimes jokes, and she's like, okay, make sure you put that in the in the screenplay for you know, one day when we get to option this for a movie because it has been that crazy. There have been moments in my life where I'm like, this is so crazy. I feel like I'm in a movie. This is just wild. You are just as like, I am not unique or special. This is the gift of every, I truly believe this is the gift of every human that's choosing to live a human life. Your script is specifically written for you. You get to show up and play it to the full extent. And the only person that determines whether you do that or not is you. So remember, you are capable of this. You are wise and you are deep down in your body, even if you haven't fully accessed it now, you are filled with an inner knowing that will not lie to you about what your truth is. And even if you don't feel that way just now in this moment, just that next step is what will lead you into that journey that's gonna take you into that deeper connection with yourself. And the key, one of the biggest keys to that is what this episode is about, which is letting go of the fear that you're going to do it wrong. You're not. Every, let me just say this: every step in my journey that I thought I was doing wrong led me to this moment right now. And this moment right now is fucking amazing. And I didn't get to have this moment right now without having all the moments that I thought were wrong back then. Remember, it's only in the hindsight in the 2020 that we look back and go, oh, there it all is. Okay, y'all. Another great episode. I just, I love talking about all of this with you. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep keep trusting yourselves, keep dropping into your bodies. Definitely try out some Sarah Blonden this week. I actually have had a few of you reach out to me. And sign up for either, you know, 90-minute intensives or potentially working together. You know, um, I haven't met you yet, but getting to do coaching on the vibe chat calls, I'm just so delighted to see your names on my schedule. I can't wait to meet you all. There's always this exciting moment where I've read your note to me and I've like got a little bit of your story. But then that first moment where I see your face come up on the Zoom call and we get to meet, and I'm always just like, oh my God. So I'm really excited to meet those of you that have already signed up. Those of you that are considering know that I would love to see you. I hope many of you are, you know, starting to open to the potential call to be part of the community. Um, I'm definitely, I know I'm gonna end up doing a podcast episode really just discussing what I want to create there. It's gonna be an interview process to get in because I want the community to be very safe and I want to know everybody that's in the community. So, you know, keep that in mind and be preparing yourself that if you're feeling the call for that, like knowing, okay, you're gonna get to interview and you're gonna get to talk about like why you're passionate about the community and what you want to bring to it. I've been learning so much as I've been creating it, and I've really moved out of a role of kind of feeling like this like teacher or coach that's like here to this coach that's like here to teach you all of this stuff. That just doesn't feel like the energy for me. Instead, I'm really moving into more of a role of like a facilitator. I really, yes, there'll be a lot of me just like dropping stuff and being excited and like sharing off the cuff. And then there's gonna be, you know, workshops and coaching calls. But what I'm most excited about, what the heart and soul of the community is going to be, is the interactions y'all will be having with each other. Because that is where the real magic happens, is when you are seen and known by another woman and you feel like, oh, I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. And yes, I give that to you a little bit like in these podcast episodes, or those of you that are coaching with me, like big time one-on-one. But the real power is gonna come when we are in a community and you all are getting to both share and also receive from each other. And I really want, you know, women coming into the community that want that, that are ready to not only just like, you know, it's gonna be very different than like a Facebook group where you can just show up and just kind of read or scroll. It's gonna be something where you are also giving. Um, and I can't wait to see, yeah, what what we all end up creating together. So know that I love you all, and I will see you on the next episode. Till then, you know, I'm gonna go to the house.