Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe. Hello. Oh my goodness. Um it's been a couple weeks since I have been on recording and I think similar to the last episode I made, this one is also just gonna be very um real and vulnerable and open. And I think it's just coming from where I'm at right now in my own personal journey and the messiness of that, the uncertainty, and really questioning lately for myself what matters most to me? How do I get through life? What am I gonna use to define a good life? Right? Really, you know, just your everyday average questions. So for this episode today, um, I want to talk a little bit about what's been going on in my life because I think we're all, I mean, what I've seen in my friendships and the people around me, um, in my clients, is we're all kind of going through it right now. And especially if you're in the process of considering divorce, you're gonna really resonate, I think, with a lot of the feelings that I'm gonna be talking about today. So I'm gonna I'm gonna spend the first part of the episode really talking about that piece. But the majority of it I want to spend um dropping in and just kind of doing something very different, which is gonna be a meditation technique that I use with my one-on-one clients when we are up against something in their life, and I can see that it involves really intense feelings. And um, their typical, you know, they're they're learned responses. The way most of us handle emotion is disassociating, getting out of body, or, you know, numbing and escaping. This has just really been coming up a lot with a lot of my clients. And I want today's episode to really at the heart of it be about the most important tool I've seen in all of my, you know, what three plus years now of coaching in my personal work. And that is the work of feeling and processing sensation in the body. And actually, just before I got on to record this, that's what I was doing with one of my clients. And it was so powerful to watch her go feel something that she's been avoiding for, you know, over a year now. And I I'm gonna dive into that a little bit in a little bit more detail. Um, and while she was doing it, I was like, oh my God, this is the key. And I've I've known this. Like, I have to laugh that I'm like, once again, oh my God, this is the key. But it just was driven even more home for me how vital reclaiming our ability to feel is, and how much it is not taught. I definitely did not learn from, you know, my mother or my grandmother how to be with the intensity of the emotions that are a part of my life and being human. Um, so I just really wanted to talk about that today and maybe even get to, yeah, take you guys through a meditation to hopefully help you and for it to be a resource for you to come back to in the future whenever you're needing someone to kind of hold space and guide you into your emotions. So that's a little outline for the episode today. Let's dive in now just to some of you know what what I'm noticing in my own personal work is my goodness, y'all. There like there is so much going on inside each of us. It just feels like there is an entire universe in here. So many thoughts, so many feelings, so many um things to do. If, you know, for me being a mom of three boys, it just feels like there is always um somebody needing something. Also, I think what I've been grappling with a lot lately is uh we've I recently had an incident with my um 14-year-old. You know, he's growing up, he's independent, he's ambitious, he um so many things that will serve him so well as an adult that ultimately led to him making a choice that was very out of left field and very scary for me as his mom and and also his dad. And it really shook me. There was definitely trust broken, and I mean, these are all like a part of me intellectually knows these are all parts of raising a kid and going through, you know, the teenagers. But this is really the first time this has happened for me, and it really did shake me. It really shook my psyche, and really I've been dealing with a lot of feelings of overwhelm and really doubting whether I, you know, I mean, straight up have it in me to raise kids. I'm like, holy shit, this is so much harder than anybody prepped me for. I feel like we're in a little bit of like a wild, wild west right now for those of us raising kids in an era of technology. You know, we don't have like clear data on this huge social experiment we're doing around everybody having phones and being so connected. And so that was creating and still is. I'm still in the process of it. I mean, this happened probably two or three weeks ago, and yet I am still experiencing a lot of like emotional flashbacks to feeling very helpless and overwhelmed, which were a lot of the feelings I had in childhood. And I I think I'm like taking a moment to appreciate getting to share this with all of you because I don't feel like I get to hear this as often from other people, right? Uh, we all tend to put on our best faces when we're around everybody else. But it's been really important for me to acknowledge this last week just how much I'm asking from myself in being a parent, in trying to be a source of regulation and support and boundary making for three growing humans. So along with that, has been this other, these other parts of me that have been emerging through this incredibly safe, supportive, you know, secure relationship that I have with my romantic partner at the moment. And really through that, as I've mentioned in some of the episodes previously, being surprised at how much work there still is here, how much healing there still is, I definitely can see now how much a part of me wanted to believe once I get that relationship, once I find that person, that secure partner, it's gonna be so much easier. And in a lot of ways it is for sure. What is difficult is that in having someone so supportive, the parts of me oh, I'm gonna get emotional. The parts of me that have felt the most scared, abandoned, hurt throughout my entire life by not having someone secure that really like loved me and saw me are now coming up to the surface because it's safe enough to do so. So while I'm simultaneously trying to, you know, step up into even more owning, you know, being a mom and being an adult and being there for my children as we go through these um expansions in independence and pushing of boundaries, I'm also feeling you know, the core of my foundation really getting unearthed, having to um address and feel a lot of things that I made it through my life by not feeling up to this point. And this is the I don't know about y'all, but like this is the part of like becoming a true, what I consider like a true adult, an adult in the way that I think an adult is, like somebody who is owning their shit, um, getting the help they need so that they can be there for others and for themselves. This is the part of being an adult nobody prepared me for. Um, and I think that's because nobody in my life up till now was doing it this way. You know, I look back and I see parents and grandparents who, when I really sit with it, were just absolutely terrified really deep down. I can see how much they were lashing out for control. They were um running from their deepest demons and fears and projecting all of that onto their partners, onto their children, onto their grandchildren. Um and I don't at this point in my journey, I'm now at a space where I'm like, I get it. Like, I don't really shame and judge them. Um, although I do want to caveat that by saying when you're going through the process of acknowledging that and really grieving and processing the trauma from your childhood, um, I do it is super healthy to shame and blame and be really, really fucking upset and angry at the shit that nobody cleaned up that is now yours to deal with. Um, so if you're not in that space, I just want to say like absolutely trust your part of the journey and where it's at. I had many years of just having to be really, really angry. And I still do have moments, but for the most part, I get why they didn't do this because to truly see yourself, to truly feel all that is inside of you is really fucking intense. And I watched, I I got to like see that today in my client. I got to sit. I mean, this is like one of the greatest gifts of being a coach for me, is to get to sit and hold space and watch uh the women that I coach bravely go to those darkest spaces, to those those most painful parts of themselves and be with those pieces instead of doing what we've been taught, right? Which is to numb and to run and to pretend and to smile, even when we're hurting inside. And the analogy that I used today for her when we were were going through this exercise was this idea of like, you know, these are her dragons, and this specific dragon she's been running from for a really long time. And in the container that we made together, this was her space to really stop running and to turn around and to just look at it and to take it in. And the like absolutely insanely magical alchemical process that happens when you do that is as you feel the things you don't want to feel, as you see the things that you've been running from. It's really fucking intense, as my client can tell you. It was really intense. There was emotion that came up in her chest and her throat in her jaw. It was like this process of it slowly going up and through her body. But eventually it does process through. And what remains is this like deep power that you have from the words that are coming to me from like truly deeply dancing with life, like going all in, bravely being there for whatever life is presenting you with. And one of the really beautiful things was that after she had processed through, and we had this kind of which happens for all of my clients, there's this just like open, lighter, like more alive kind of sensation after they've gone in and felt these really difficult emotions. And the work we were doing was around her son, and I reintroduced the thought of her son, and what came through was this just incredibly heightened experience of just pure joy at the thought of him. And that level of feeling, that high, high level of joy wasn't possible prior to experiencing all of the dark feelings as well. And so I don't think everybody is called to this, you know. As I said, like I don't shame or blame my grandparents or my parents for not doing this. I acknowledge that I have a lot more resources. I mean, that is the gift of technology and the internet. And I, you know, could get certified and learn all of these tools through a podcast and then ultimately taking coach training from my home. So I don't think everybody is called to it, but what I find is a lot of my clients or those of you listening to my podcast are. There's a reason the things I talk about resonate with you. So today was really about, you know, this episode was about kind of, it feels to me like pulling the curtain back a little bit for y'all, even more than I did in the last episode, to just continue to give you guys a full picture of what it looks like embarking on this journey and living this kind of a life, which is, you know, deep down at the heart of what I do when I'm helping you through considering divorce and making a decision, I'm helping you learn what your soul calls sound like, how they feel. And then through the process of learning how to process emotion and be with the sensations in your body, developing the bravery and ultimately reclaiming the power that is yours when you, you know, do the hard thing of looking the dragon in the eye, of ultimately getting the power to befriend your dragons, which is what you do when you realize, you know, fear and grief and sadness, they can't kill me. They are meant to be experienced in the body. And as I do, I become stronger. I become more, I don't even know if stronger's the word, but I I my capacity increases. I become able to hold more. And then through that process, you know, whether it's to stay or to go, you're able to make that decision and move forward into a life that shocker is not going to magically be perfect. Even once you meet the guy who's super secure and loves you deeply and like has never given you a reason not to, you know. I mean, we've dated for seven months, and I can tell you every other guy I've dated by like three months in, we already had like red flags, you know, that this is not the case on this relationship. Um, it's not gonna magically just be perfect now. It's gonna continue to be a journey of going deeper and deeper and deeper into yourself and and more and more into whatever life has in store for you. Which, you know, for me, this last three weeks was a lot of having, you know, deep childhood helplessness emerge, just deep feelings of help, help, helplessness, um, wanting to be held, wanting to be um, you know, feeling a lot of like anger and resentment that I never really got to truly be a kid, that I've always been a parent, always been an adult, either, you know, there supporting my parents as an adult, you know, as a parentified child, or raising all of my siblings and then straight into getting married and having my kids. So it's been a lot of um inner child work and and grieving and feeling all of that, and it is by no means settled or figured out. I mean, I was literally leaving Quinn a Voxer message this morning, being like, ah, I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now by all of this back to school stuff and all of this change, and you know, change tends to be a very emotionally flashbacked thing for me. It tends to be a pretty big trigger. So I share all of this to say I'm in it with you. You are not alone in these feelings of god damn it, this is a lot, and I don't seem to be handling it well. And is it ever gonna get better? And I think too, you know, I'm I'm learning more as well about how important it is to have community, to have people that love you and can be there for you. Um because as much as I, you know, I definitely over the last, I would say five years of my divorce, definitely had more of a like I can do this very independent approach, uh, which looking back like I just kind of had to. I did not have the support beyond, you know, which I've told you before, like I had my therapist and my best friend at the time, um, which were phenomenal, but I didn't have a community necessarily of a bunch of people that like I knew had my back. And although I did it long term, it is very difficult to sustain what so many of you are trying to do, you know, what I've really this last couple weeks like reconciled that I'm trying to do, which is change generational trauma, heal severe, you know, negligence in childhood, um, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, uh, marriages where you feel completely alone and unheard, um, all of your coping mechanisms for that, right? And and then on top of that, still be able to like succeed in the world and like make money and have a home that feels safe and be a be a parent if you have children. Um, or you know, if you don't have children, have a career that you actually enjoy. Like, there's a lot that we're trying to do. And so I just want to say the tool I'm gonna give you today is definitely going to, I hope, help in that the foundational piece of your own personal work is absolutely learning how to be with feeling while also saying, I am very Passionate and committed to us not having to do this alone. And maybe I'm just needing to say that more for myself because, you know, as I'm behind the scenes really evaluating what it's going to be to launch this community, to create this space for women considering divorce that I've been talking about for a while. Um, I am seeing just how much we need a village. Like, we can't all do this on our own. And even, you know, I interviewed um somebody that I'd done a 90-minute session with yesterday, asking her specifically, like, what would what do you need most? What would you want out of this community? You know, and um she just talked about how she does have people in her life that can be there for her. And she's like, but it just gets exhausting for them always having to, you know, hear the same stuff and be there for me and what it would mean to her to have a space where everybody gets it, right? We're all, we've all we're all going through the experience of considering divorce. And so um in that space, when you're sharing with someone, even if it's just saying, like, hey, this is something hard I'm going through right now, we're all kind of feeding and receiving from each other versus, you know, in your own life where like you're talking with your best friend, and every day that you're talking about it, it feels like, okay, is it starting to be a burden to her? Is it too much? Right. Um, so that was just a really beautiful perspective for me. And in the past, I have taken a very like independent you've got this kind of approach. And I just I think I want to, before we dive into this personal practice, acknowledge that I'm learning more and more about how important it is to heal in community. I'm seeing more and more so clearly how much the way, you know, if you're living here in the US, the way our culture is set up, the ideas that we have around what a quote good life are aren't actually supportive of mental health. They are built for, you know, consumerism and to fuel an economy. And all of us living in our little, you know, isolated houses with our TVs and focused on our cars and our phones, versus the way humans have done it for millennia, where you typically lived in family units where you had grandmothers or mothers or your sisters or multiple people around you that you were going through life with. So I'm really passionate about rediscovering the healing power of community and really hopeful that in building this community, you know, I've spoken with many of you that I've interviewed, that are quite a few of you are on my, you know, my initial list of the women that I'm gonna be like initially launching with. But then as those of you that are interested come in as well, that we get to basically create this village with each other, this space that will provide the realness, the rawness, the authenticness, the um, you know, everybody gets to have their journey and we're here for all of it, and it's messy and it's beautiful, and it's raw, and it's real. So yeah, I just I just wanted to say, I do think, you know, a lot of our healing, it's a tandem process. It is doing the work on your own, but it is also doing it within community. Okay, so this feels like a good place to segue into the meditation. And actually, um, I think what I'm gonna do instead today this week, I'm going to record it separately. So um just so that you'll be able to pop it on without having to fast forward through all the stuff I was speaking about prior to this. So yeah, just know there will be a second episode that'll drop at the same time as this one, and it will have the meditation that I've been talking about. So before I drop into that, I think I'm just gonna close out this episode by saying a few pieces that I want you to be thinking of as you as you go into and use this meditation, which are just that we live in a world that I feel moves very, very, very fast. And there's so much pressure to be doing, doing, doing that most of us have gotten very disconnected from our bodies, from the planet, from the people around us. And that really is what makes life rich and yummy is how connected are we to ourselves, how connected in with our bodies, how present with the people we love or the task at hand that we're doing. Um, and it's not, you know, this is not just something that I am pulling out of thin air. If you read the enlightened masters and the people that, you know, have like the Eckhart Tolls and the Byron Cadies and the Don Miguel Ruiz, many of them talk about how what we're all seeking is already here. This idea that like there's already a heaven on earth. It's right here, but we're not able to access it because we are so caught up in the illusions and the pain and the suffering of our minds. And I I want to caveat that because some of you will hear me saying, you know, heaven's already here, and you'll think, oh, that means, you know, the problem's me and I need to stay in my marriage. I did that to myself a lot when I was first considering divorce and reading a lot of Eckhart Toll and Byron Cady, thinking, okay, the issue is me. And so I just want to say that is not what I want you to take away from that statement, that somehow what that means is that you should be able to be happy wherever you are. Um, that is not what I've seen. What I've seen is each of us have these like soul journeys, these experiences we're meant to have in our lives. And where we start to really feel pain is when we are hearing the call and not answering it. And to answer that call, you have to do this piece of the feeling, the dropping in, the really acknowledging what's here, the bravely looking at your dragons, making peace with them, and then ultimately, as Quinn would say, riding them. Quinn is such a such a dragon rider. So I just want you to hold some of that perspective if you do end up doing the meditation of just this kind of bigger view of what we're all doing here, potentially, and um that your journey really is your own, and the only person who knows what your truth is and what the next step is is you. And um, hopefully this will be a tool that will help you to in facing the fear, the sadness, the terror that's like present in your body and being with it, allow it to release, process through and on the other side of that, in that clarity, in that clearness, and that lightness that's always waiting on the other end of emotional processing. Your answers will seem, they won't seem. They'll they'll be there. It's like we clear out all the noise and all of the chaos. And it's not done through like going in and cleaning it out or fighting with it or pushing it out. It's done through sitting with it, through being present for what is. One other thing I want to mention, just you know, in thinking about the many different, you know, all of you are very different. You all are at different places in your journey, you're all at different spaces in your healing. So I do just want to mention with the the meditation, really um making sure and checking in with your body as you're going through it. And if it at all feels too overwhelming or too intense, that is okay. Two things I want you to to do if that is the case. Um, the first one is to check in with what it is that you are in the meditation. I'm gonna have you activate an experience, you know, something that maybe you're going through right now that's difficult or hard. I want you to check in first with if what you are picking is too much trying something else that's not as activating. So, you know, maybe not doing a full send on your first try. Maybe instead of I'm gonna go straight for that fight I had with my husband last night that was like related to my childhood pain, maybe trying it out with something as simple as that frustrating experience I had this morning, driving in traffic and the kids relate to school, or um at the grocery store the other day and that woman made a comment and I just felt really hurt by what she said. So that's the first piece is if it feels like too much, maybe check in with what you're activating. And then, second, if you're doing this work on something that is really intense and you're like, no, this is like this is it, this is the work that I need. Recognize, as I was saying earlier, the importance of community of having support. I have seen consistently in myself and my clients that there are some parts of our lives, parts of our trauma that don't seem to be able to be processed just by ourselves. We need someone else with us to hold the space. So if that is the case, put that in a note on your phone. Take that experience, put it in a note on your phone, and that is where you get a therapist or you get a coach, you get someone that can hold space for you and facilitate. I have definitely over and over been shown how important this is when I get really down on myself about not being able to feel and fully process something. It's usually because it's triggering and big enough that I need that anchor of having someone who loves me hold space for that. And granted, it doesn't, you know, I'm saying therapist, therapist coach. I've also had a best friend do this for me, and I've also had my romantic partner do this for me. Of, you know, I and I don't even have to talk as much as I just like I need to feel and know that someone's there, whether they're holding my hand. Um, I did this just last night with my romantic partner. I had a whole, like a fuck ton of emotion coming up. I didn't know what it was related to. I really couldn't even like identify or be like, oh, this is an emotional flashback related to this. It was just like, I feel overwhelmed, sad, scared. And what we ended up doing was, you know, we were driving somewhere and I rolled down the window and just started, turned on some music and just started crying and held his hand while he drove me. And um, we just drove and drove and drove until I had cried and cried and cried. And finally I felt the release. I felt the come through and the come down on the other side. So don't be afraid to ask for help. That is normal. It is healthy. Once again, in our American culture of you should be able to do it all on your own, that may not be the case. Um, it usually is not the case with very deep, painful, overwhelming things. There's a reason you've been avoiding those things. And if it does feel like too much, even, you know, I will say like the meditation that I'm giving you is to hopefully help facilitate and hold that space for you. But if you need it in person or in person with someone holding your hand or with a human over a Zoom call, right? That's where getting a therapist, getting a coach, talking to a best friend, or having someone you love that you trust do that for you is crucial. So just a little taste of what's to come. I'll see you in the next episode.