Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe. Hey everyone. Welcome back. This episode just kind of poured out of me this morning as I was meditating and taking some time to pull my oracle cards like I do every morning. I thought back on an experience that I had last night, and it just snowballed into this episode. So I want to start off by taking you back to where I was at last night. I was, you know, decompressing from the day, had pulled up Instagram. I for me personally, Instagram, it can go both ways. Sometimes I use it as a buffer, which is when I'm not wanting to feel something and I'm escaping with scrolling, and that's not ideal. But other times, Instagram is just this beautiful space where I get to see all of these amazing humans creating things. I have some really, really funny people that I follow that just make my day when I see their stuff. And last night it was a little bit of that, just like decompressing, getting to connect in, see what my friends have been up to, looking at any messages that had come through. And right as I'm kind of winding down, I saw a coach that had started after I did in my business, and happened to pop over to her page and noticed she has an insane amount of followers. And instantly my brain goes into compare and despair. I it wasn't even like a conscious choice. It was just this huge wave of comparison, you know, thinking through the time frames in my mind, being like, oh my gosh, this person's so much further ahead of me. And then just all of this shame coming in, like, okay, what do I have to show for the years that I've been doing all of this? And so it was really awesome because I was present enough to notice what a huge shift this was in my body. It was like, here I was just chilling, enjoying Instagram, and then all of a sudden I am like, uh and so I had enough awareness to notice, okay, I'm kind of getting hijacked right now. I'm having all this internal feelings that are popping up. What's really happening here? And I was able to check in and be like, okay, it I I'm definitely moving into a comparison space. And it looks like I am falling prey to these programmed external ideas of success, which would be ideas for me. I know that some of those ideas are that being successful is based on how much money you're making, how many followers you have. Can you actually measure the impact that you're having on the world? So, you know, how many clients have you worked with? How many people are liking your posts? How many people are seeing your posts? Anybody who owns a business and deals with marketing knows this is these are ways that we've been trained to measure whether we're succeeding or not. And the reality though was I was getting swept up in this and it just was feeling really, really awful. And as I'm kind of in this shitstorm, as uh Brene Brown calls it, of shame, out of the blue, it was just so beautiful. This new thought popped in and it really felt like it was just like this little gift from the universe. And it was this thought, and I could hear it almost as if the universe was talking to me, and it said, Okay, you want her success, then you get her life too. And if you snap your fingers right now, we'll let you trade lives. And it just shocked me out of all the shame. And in that moment of someone basically telling me, Okay, you want this, you can have it right now, we'll give it to you. I realized, wait a second, no, no, no, wait, I don't want that. And I realized really quickly as I sat with that like huge contrast, all of a sudden, this life I was thinking I was wanting, somebody's telling me I can have it, and all of a sudden I don't want it. Well, what changed? I realized it's because I have no real idea of what her life actually feels like on the inside. Yes, she's got all this followers. Yes, externally, it looks like she's putting out tons of content. She's she seems really well put together. And I will caveat this a hundred percent by saying she's somebody I really admire and love. So I would not be surprised at all if she has an absolutely amazing life that she really loves. But it still would not be my life and my story if I were to go trade places with her. And that was the moment that this giant light bulb came on that was like, oh shit, I really do value and love my story. I really love every single thing I've been through that has made me me, even if externally it doesn't look as amazing as maybe other people's journeys have up until this point. So that is what I want to talk with you about today is this ability to really own and love your journey and the you that your journey is making you into. I want to start us off, now that I've shared that story, set the scene. I want to take us back into really understanding what comparison is. Because I think it's so important to not get caught up when we start comparing in shaming ourselves for comparing, because it definitely was doing that a little bit last night. Like your life's so good. Why, why, why can't you just be grateful? And we as women do this so often, right? We see something we want, maybe a different life, maybe a different relationship. We feel the shame that that's not our life. And then we end up adding more shame on top of it that we even want something that we don't have. So let's just, when it comes to comparison, let's just remember that comparison is a totally normal brain pattern for a species that is socially oriented like humans are. So this is just a biological evolutionary bit that our brain has that is actually really helpful for keeping us in the group. It's just there to help us act like everyone else so that we don't get isolated and kicked out of the group. You know, if you think of chimpanzees, where being an individual means physically you're not safe, you could die, your rates of survival are gonna go up a lot by being in the group, then yeah, having your brain look around and go, do I look like everybody else? Am I being accepted? Are they liking me would be really helpful. But in today's world, most of us are no longer going to have the risk of physically dying or not surviving if we are not accepted into the tribe. Although it can feel that way in high school. And I'll talk about that a little bit later. So it's really important to realize okay, there's this mechanism in my brain from evolution that's gonna make me want to compare and think, oh my God, I'm not gonna survive if I'm not a part of the group. But we are at a space now where that's not the case. And actually, comparison can often be the thief of our joy, finding real joy in our own personal journeys, and long term, a huge deterrent for being able to find your real tribe. So I want to explain both of those things. So, first, when we're comparing ourselves to others, it's from these preconceived ideas of what's normal. And we really have to check in with where did we get these ideas? Okay, so your ideas of what's normal are gonna come from your childhood, your upbringing, your parents, your religion, your culture. We know this to be true. You go meet someone on the other side of the world who grew up in, let's say, Japan, they're gonna have very different ideas of what social dynamics look like, of what being a part of the group is. They're gonna have different values too. And we got to really check in with have we examined those beliefs that we were given, and do we still like them? Do they still fit who we want to be showing up as? Now, huge example of this in my own life. I grew up Mormon and talk about a huge life-world ideology that just consumed every bit of my world. And it wasn't, as those of you that have kind of heard some of my journey, it wasn't until I was like 28, 29 that I really realized I'm super miserable. And at first I thought the problem was me. And ultimately, what I came to realize was the problem was I was living a life that was aligned with all of these values and ideas and this tribe that really wasn't a fit for who I truly am. And it took that process of questioning it and going, wait, this isn't really bringing me true joy or fulfillment. So how do I change this? What does this mean for me? And in order to do that, I had to stop comparing myself. I had to kind of step away. So I remember there was a period where I stopped going to church because every time I would go to church, I just would come away so enraged. I would just feel so much more confused and upset in my brain. So I learned to trust, okay, if that doesn't feel good for me, then I'm not gonna keep putting myself there. And what I noticed was staying home with myself, listening to podcasts I'm gonna talk a little later about Sarah Blonden. I'm absolutely in love with her. She's amazing. But listening to the things she was telling me and leaning in where I truly felt soul-led, this is what helped me to connect back into that soul compass part of me. And I I'll talk about this in the future because I'm obsessed with learning what it is when your soul compass lights up, because it shows you what your truth is and choosing to follow that truth and be around people who also love that truth in you. So that first piece, we just have to start examining what are our worldviews, where did they come from, and are they actually aligned with who we truly are. Now, the second piece is when you're caught up in comparison, you are not listening to your soul calls as much as you are just being pushed and manipulated by the fear and scarcity about being left out or not enough. And why this is so sneaky is because when you really start connecting in with people who are from your true soul tribe, they will love you unconditionally and accept you exactly as you are. Like you do not have to change for these people. They want you in all your weird, unpractised, unpolished you-ness. But prior to actually meeting them, what comparison leads you to do is to cut off those pieces that make you so you, so that you can try to be more homogeneous and fit in, which actually makes it even more difficult for our soul connections to be able to find us because comparison is making us camouflage ourselves to fit in with the rest. So, what a lot of us, and this goes back to what I was saying, you know, this is what a lot of us experience in high school. In high school, we're in this really, you know, we don't really know who we are. And so we just want so badly to be accepted by the group group to feel like we have an identity that we end up sacrificing a lot of these pieces of ourselves. I can remember painful moments when I was in high school or a young adult where somebody said a comment about something and it was like, oof, I'm never gonna wear that again or do my hair this way again or say that again. And if we're not careful, a lot of us never really move out of that space. Even though we're adults, we're still living in a brain that is still constantly scanning the environment for am I accepted, am I loved, am I good enough? Especially as women. So I do want to give you a heads up that yes, as you start doing this, as you start not hiding as much as yourself, leaning into being the weird you that you are, it does mean that you may no longer fit into the tribes that you grow up in or that you thought were where you were really meant to be. And this can be very disorienting. Trust me, leaving the Mormon faith is probably one of the uh toughest things that I've ever done. And definitely like I would say getting my divorce next, because in both of those instances, I was leaving tribes, right? I was leaving or even doing the work around my family of origin. I was leaving these places that I had been taught were safety, were community, were love. And to do that, you have to really build that love and connection with yourself, which what's so beautiful about that is as you build the love and connection with yourself, and these tribes that aren't yours start falling away because you don't fit in anymore, and you're gonna see really quickly how conditional their love is, which it was once I left the Mormon faith, like pretty much everybody in my home ward, I really never saw any of them. I mean, I see them occasionally and they're kind when I see them, but I kept no relationships with any of them. And I realized that's because our relationship really only was within the religion. And as long as all of us were kind of doing the same thing within the religion, versus now that I have connected in with who I am, I'm expressing it more fully, I have found so many more deep connected friendships with people who genuinely love me for me. And no matter what changes outside of us, that love is still there. And I will say this because I definitely want to acknowledge the other beautiful thing that happened as I was leaving the Mormon church is there were a few key women who I'm still deep, close friends with today that I met while I was Mormon. And I would say what defines them and what makes it different is they genuinely loved me for me. And even as I've become more of myself, their love for me has actually increased rather than decreasing. So also realize you may currently in your current tribes have people who do genuinely love you in a soul connection way. And the great thing is, as you become more of yourself, they'll love you even more for it. So, yes, you're gonna lose a lot of people through this process. The ones that really matter will love you even more. And here's the heartening part as you let go of these tribes, communities that actually don't really love you for you, you make space to find real connection with your soul tribe, with the people who really want you to be you. Um okay, so at its heart, this shift is about going from a life that looks beautiful or perfect on the outside, but feels emotionally unfulfilling on the inside to a life where your focus is on how does it genuinely feel for me in my body, in my soul, in my heart. Does this life feel good? And another important way that we do this is by taking the time to slow down and honor our personal journeys. So this is where Sarah Blonden comes in. Oh my god, fangirl, fangirl moment. So last week I listened to one of my favorite episodes from her, and it's one called Make It Sacred. Oh, I just want to take like a deep breath because that episode is so gorgeous. It's really all about this acknowledging that yes, we ultimately have no idea what any of us are doing here. Like everybody has ideas, religion has ideas, governments have ideas, but deep down nobody really knows. And instead of that being where I know in my journey at times, it's led me to kind of like annihilism or like, oh my God, none of us know what this is, so none of it matters. That actually, in none of it mattering, in there not being a grand overall picture, we are given this incredible gift of this beautiful power that is very individual, that each one of us have to choose to make our lives sacred, to choose to honor each and every step that we take on this journey, to celebrate the triumphs and to deeply grieve the losses, because that's what being human's all about. It's both. And to instead of staying aloof and disinterested in our own lives, to really give them our full attention and love through believing I matter and my journey matters. So I highly recommend listening to that episode. I'm gonna link it in the show notes. Having voices that have slowed me down and helped me find the sacredness of my own journey has really been key in helping me develop the bravery to stand up for my journey, to own that I have a right to walk this path in the exact way I want to walk it. So I wanted before I end the episode, I really want to leave you guys with a little list of some actual tangible things that you guys can start doing that will help you in this quest to really own and embrace and love your journey. So the first one, going back to Sarah, I want you to start listening to Sarah Blonden more. In the beginning of my journey, yeah, because I just had really, guys, when I started my journey, I had so little, I'm just gonna get like a little bit emotional here. I had so little respect for it being my journey because I'd been raised in this paradigm that my life was just something that was here for God, you know, and I just needed to be righteous and I just needed to not sin and the pathway was all laid out ahead of me, everything I needed to do. And nobody really asked, like, does this feel good for you? Is this what you want? It was just giving everything I had to God and the church. And Sarah Blonden, at the beginning, when I first started therapy, I would sit out on my front porch and just listen to her in the mornings. And she was really what sung my soul back into my body. So I can't recommend her enough. Not only will I link her episode, I'll link her podcast. And I would recommend going back to her very first episodes from like season one. They are pure gold. But listening to her and letting her words really sink into your soul can reactivate that soul compass for you. Second thing, I want you to read books that honor and validate the importance of women's internal lives and really celebrate them. And number one book, top of the list for me. This is probably right up there with what Sarah Blonden did for me in my life is Women Who Run with the Wolves. Cannot recommend this book enough. Clarissa Pinkola Estes is just pure magic. It's where my wolf tattoo comes from that I got right after my divorce, is specifically from this book. So yeah, I just mmm. That book will take you to places you didn't even know existed in your soul. I also want to recommend. And I'll have a list of this also in the show notes: Untamed, A Radical Awakening, Discovering the Inner Mother, and Daring Greatly. All of those written by incredible authors and books that will just start giving you this new framework. Third thing, I want you to spend more time with the women around you that you see being brave and unfiltered in their selfness. So I recently had a client talking to me in one of our sessions, and she was talking about this like Australian woman that she just met who is just so, she's like, she's just so loud and says what she thinks and doesn't apologize and has opinions. And I was like, yes, yes, spend more time with her. And it was beautiful seeing how my client was just like, I kind of like being around her and I like the way she is. These are the women I want you spending time around. I have one as well at my son's school. She is just like a firecracker, always wearing these clothes that are just like her vibe. She's just very irreverent and kind of like says spicy stuff. And she and I can always joke and laugh. And whenever I'm around her, I just feel more myself. So find those women, spend more time around them. And the final piece is bit by bit, I want you to start letting more of your self-ness shine. Okay. I want you to share your opinion where you would have been silent in the past. I want you to wear something that stretches you out of your comfort zone. I want you to say something that you might be have been afraid to mention in the past, like have an opinion and share it. I want you to really try saying no when you're coming up against something that you don't really want to do and you would only do it from guilt or shooting on yourself. I want you to say no. And each and every time you do these little micro moments of choosing yourself, you are strengthening your relationship with you and telling your brain, what I want matters. This story is uniquely mine, and I get to write it however I want. So just to tie this all back together, I want to go back to the very beginning of the episode where I realized, you know, okay, if I snap my fingers, I can change places with this woman that I'm comparing myself to and wishing I was. And ultimately where I landed was this deep feeling, like I said earlier, of oh hell, no. This last couple of years may not have led to the external accomplishments that I want in my business or that I think would, you know, reflect what I've been through. But I know for myself what it has done for my internal world. And that is things like developing this level of self-trust that comes directly from walking into the darkest realms of my psyche and not abandoning myself, getting to experience joy that I've never had before from falling in love and creating new depths of intimacy and soul connection with partners. Like so worth it. There are so many beautiful memories that I get to hold within me that I'm really proud of that nobody else will ever see externally, but that I know are part of my journey. There's been this incredible expansion of my worldviews and who I am and and my opinions and what I think this life is all about. And those expansions make each day that I live feel even more adventurous. So, no, I don't want to trade this woman for her external things that I think would give me, I don't know what, a feeling of confidence, a feeling of pride. Because when I really step back and feel into it, ah, there it is. That pride and confidence is already right here. I don't need external validation to prove that because I get to live every single day as this version of me, this version who abandons herself so much less, who knows how to show up for herself and to love the people in her life with compassion and confidence. This woman who has opinions and ideas that she's now passionate about and unafraid to share, who loves to play big and bold and unreservedly. Like this, this is the me that's been through every second, every minute, every hour, every day of my life, and who I now get to spend the future with. And she is worth far more to me than any external benchmark of success. So when your brain is trying to get you to take on someone else's journey and abandon your own, ooh, I want you to just slow down and take a deep breath.
SPEAKER_00Because your journey is tailor-made for you, and you are one of a kind. You are an incredible masterpiece.
SPEAKER_01So let us all not be so quick to see the best in others at the exclusion of ourselves. Your journey is your own. You are beautifully in process and will be your whole life.
SPEAKER_00So sink in and love where you are right now.
SPEAKER_01I loved this episode, y'all. I encourage you guys, if you're enjoying listening to the podcast, go rate it, go subscribe to it. Every time you do, it helps it get into the hands of more women. It moves it up the charts so that more people can find it. And definitely take a second to think if you've got a friend or someone who might be struggling right now that could use this episode and send it their way. So much love to all of you and your journeys. Till next time.