Welcome to the Stay or Go podcast, where we're changing the dialogue around divorce so that no woman ever stays in her marriage out of fear. Get ready to dispel myths, learn life-changing tools, and build a solid foundation in yourself from which to make your decision. And now your host, me, Britta Joe. Hey guys. Oh my gosh, I can't even with how excited I am about this first episode of the Stay Or Go podcast. I have wanted to do this for probably the last six months as I have started meeting more of you through Instagram, getting to do mini sessions with you. Not everybody is able to work with me one-on-one. And that has just driven home for me the importance of creating more content that is accessible to all of you because I remember what it was like when I was in that position as well. Back at the beginning of my journey, I used podcasts a ton to learn new concepts, to expand my mind around the ideas that I was learning. And it was huge for me. So it is like a huge dream coming true to be able to be a part of that network of people who really helped me at the beginning of my journey and now to kind of give back in that space. So, with that said, I want to jump right in and tell you guys a little bit about what this show is going to be focused on and then dive into my story so you can learn a little bit about me. And then at the end of this episode, I want to leave you with a powerhouse insight that's gonna help you get some mind-opening perspective right now, today, and hopefully create just one of those small breakthroughs that I'm so big about. Um, it doesn't take a long time to get breakthroughs, they can happen in a moment with just a new thought. So, to begin with, what is this show about? And the first thing it's about is questioning, questioning everything that you ever thought you knew about divorce. And I want to do that because if for me personally, I have this personal desire to change the dialogue around divorce forever. Sounds like a big goal, but I am determined to be a part of this shift because I really feel like for too long we have been sold the message that divorce is to be feared. And if you go through with it, you should be shamed. Um, I know the culture that I was raised in was very pro-family, very anti-divorce. And where that left me when I got to the point in my marriage where I was considering divorce, was feeling totally disconnected, trapped, very afraid. I really didn't know where to go from here because it was like this is not working in my marriage, but the only alternative is divorce. And I've never seen a positive example of divorce. It's always been heavily shamed, and um, all the messaging has been stay away from it, don't get divorced. It's gonna ruin your family, it's gonna ruin your kids. There are no good outcomes that come from this. And then when I was researching um divorce, I was shocked, just blown away to find out that 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Just let that sink in for a minute because that means that this anti-divorce stance, this dialogue that we have around divorce, disproportionately affects us as women. And I am not okay with that. When I found that out, I was, I mean, that was like what lit the fire for me of knowing as women, we are the ones that typically 70% of the time are the ones initiating the divorce. Therefore, we are bearing the brunt of this message that divorce is not good, that you shouldn't do it, that it's gonna hurt your family, all of that. So I, as you get to know me, you will learn that I am very passionate about women's rights. And I think this is an area where we are affected negatively by the fear-mongering of the statistics and the cultural norms. So it is my personal mission, and I know I there are other great women doing the work in this space as well, to help change that. And I do that by focusing on all of the things that I wish I would have known before I made my decision, and that I want you to know as well. So some of those things are gonna be what patterns you picked up from your parents' marriage, which I know you may think you didn't. I think we all go into our marriage thinking it is not gonna be like my parents' marriage, um, or you know, I'm not gonna repeat the same negative things I saw in my parents' marriage. Maybe your parents' marriage wasn't that negative, but you, you know, we have this idea that we're gonna do better than they did before. And inevitably, what you may find is that once you get into your marriage, there are these subconscious patterns that you have that just end up playing out. So that's one of the things I want you to learn is identifying those patterns you may have picked up from your own parents' marriage and letting them go if you don't like them. Um, how to feel calmer and be able to think straight while you're in this in-between space of considering divorce, how to love yourself so deeply and know what you want, and get clear on it so that you can make a decision and stop spinning out in this in-between space for years. So, those are just some of the things that we're gonna be focusing on in the podcast, things that I'm gonna want you to learn and take away from each of my episodes. I want to also bring a focus to this idea that I've really become passionate about over the last year, which is that for all we really know, you only have one life. And if that is the case, I want you to live it all in instead of staying stuck in indecision. I am not satisfied with just getting by, making it through the day, survival. I want you to love your life. Doesn't mean it's gonna be perfect. That is not what we are shooting for. I am definitely anti-perfectionism, being a recovering perfectionist myself. So that is not what I'm talking about. I am talking about the deep connection that you can experience when you are all in on your life, when you are fully operating as the sovereign of your life. When you realize I am an adult, this is my life, I get to choose how I want to spend it. So, with that big ambition that I'm, you know, calling on you to embark on with me of stepping fully into your life. Who the hell am I? Who is this person? Um, so I want to start and tell you a little bit about my story. I was raised in a very religious household. Um, it was pretty much my religion was like my whole identity. Um, I really associated with that being who I was. And within that religion, there was a very narrow expectation for women's roles. And, you know, we even had a document where our roles are kind of outlined in the role for women is to be nurturers. And I never questioned that growing up. I just, I really put a lot of faith in my religious leaders, in my parents, that they knew what was best for me. And I really never asked, like, let myself ask what do I want, and never let myself dream big. I was just like, okay, I'm gonna be a mom and a wife, and that will be totally fulfilling for me because everybody's telling me it will be. So we're good. And I absolutely went and did that. I went to one year of college. Um, and I was young going into college, I was 18. So I came out of that freshman year of college and I got married right after I turned 19, which just sounds insane now when I look at my younger siblings who are 19 and 20. But uh, that is what I did at the time. And I went through 12 years of marriage, lots of ups and downs. Um, ultimately, you know, and I'll do an episode on this later on in the future where I talk about how I've made peace with my past. But um I had 12 years of marriage, three kids. We um basically were living my dream life in Texas, and you know, had had the home, had the pool, had the horses, things I had just dreamed of when I was little. And it looked so beautiful on the outside. Like I think any of my friends at that time would say they I it just looked perfect. We looked really, really beautiful on the outside. And ultimately I woke up one day and realized I was just incredibly depressed, and I had to be honest about the fact that I just didn't want to go on any longer. And there was so little left of me in my life at that point. I was incredibly good at making everyone else happy. I was giving all of my time to my um callings and my religion, to taking care of my kids, to taking care of my husband. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing all of that at the expense of myself. I was living a life that was completely devoid of me. So, what woke me up to that was I didn't like who I was with my kids. I was angry almost all of the time, and the rest of the time I was really depressed. And I knew something had to change. So I got really lucky at that time. I wouldn't even say it was luck. I definitely believe in the universe sending things into your life at certain points. Um, and I had a couple friends who had told me about a therapist that they had been working with. And thank goodness I was brave enough to go to her and be like, I need help. So I started therapy in February of 2017, and through that process over the next two years, really came back to myself. I mean, I look back on where I was at three years ago, and I was so far away from any kind of connection with myself, just you know, following the plan, doing what people told me to do, kind of living most of my life as a chameleon, you know. What do you want from me? Oh, I'll do that. What do you want from me? I can change to do that. So over that process, came back to myself, changed my relationship with my mom, ended up uh realizing that my religion was not a good fit for me. And all of that kind of came to a head in February of 2019 when I ended up filing for divorce. Me and my um ex-husband ended up using lawyers, and it took us seven months. So we were able to finalize our divorce in September of 2019. And during that process, my best friend, who I know will I will definitely be bringing her on the podcast in the future, um, because we have so many awesome discussions together, and I want you guys to get to be a part of those. But um, her name is Kelly. She went through all of that with me, and at that time, she introduced me to the Life Coach School podcast and ended up becoming a coach at that time as well and coached me through my divorce, and it was mind-blowing. The things that she did for me during my divorce were instrumental in me coming out of my divorce in the beautiful way that I did. And that's how I knew, like first-hand experience, okay, this works. And at the end of my divorce, I as well signed up to go through coach certification, certified as a coach in March of 2020, and I have been coaching women considering divorce ever since that. So that amazing journey for me of the two and a half years of therapy and coming back to myself and then becoming a coach was just life-changing. I'm I mean, Kelly can attest because she was there for all of it, but I am nothing like the person I was three years ago. My life has taken a complete 180. And I actually, um, the other day on my on one of my messages from my sister, I've just been down visiting them in New Mexico, and she said, Your divorce was the best thing you ever did. She's just seen in me how much um it was the right choice for me. And I have stepped so beautifully into my life now. And I recognize that that has come from all of the work that I did in therapy, all of the things that I learned, from the books that I read, going to coaching, becoming a coach myself, and now getting to work with the clients that I work with every day. So knowing that I have all of that knowledge, all of this experience, and that I'm gaining more of it every single day working with my clients, I saw a podcast as the perfect avenue to be able to really start sharing that, giving it to more of you that may not be able to work with me one-on-one. So I'm really excited to be able to invest in this resource because I mean, what I would have given to have had this back when I was going through my divorce at the time. So I work with my clients currently one-on-one, and I really just am passionate about being able to expand the impact that I can have because there's only so much of me that can go around. And the more that I work with my clients and just I fall head over heels in love with them, I realize like we as women are powerful and vibrant and deep. And so many of us are being sold short. We have been given a blueprint for our lives that is too small for what we actually are. And I saw it in myself and I see it in my clients over and over that when we live in this way, our soul dies. And I want to be a part of helping that happen less and less as we go on. I want this podcast to give you the tools to understand why your marriage is where it's at. And if you are not happy with it, to start making changes. So a little forecasting of what is to come. Um, there are so many incredible topics that we're going to end up covering here. From how I want you to think about divorce differently and why all the fear and shame of it actually hurts families rather than helping them, to why you're staying confused and how to stop people pleasing, why I think we need less shame around affairs, how rom-coms totally screw your brain over, what to do if your spouse wants to work on the marriage, but you're done, and so many more. But since you are listening to this first episode, I want to get you some help right now. And the very first thing, there's nothing else you take away from this episode today, it's gonna be this. The very first thing I want to tell you is that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you do not have to stay just to protect your kids. I am going to give you permission right now to let go of the fear-based narrative that we have all been sold about how divorce is terrible for families and children. And instead, open yourself up to the possibility that things can absolutely be better after divorce. This podcast is a space where we're gonna step away from the old story that staying married is always what's best, and instead take an in-depth look at your own marriage because it is always about the individuals and specific components of a marriage that make it worth staying or not, rather than the blanket idea that marriage in and of itself is good. I don't know when that like came into being, but we are we're sending that idea out the door. We're thanking it for its time and we're gonna evolve it into something new that serves families way better. So I am not here to support institutions, pieces of paper, or ideologies. I am here to support you. And to do that, you have to start throwing out these old beliefs and things that you've been told about the way things need to be, and you have to start really getting intimate with yourself on how do I feel, what do I think what works best for me. So the concepts we're going to be talking about are going to open you up to either changing your marriage drastically and building a new marriage that you love with your spouse because this is not about going. This is about staying or going. For some of you, you know, I have clients, about half of my clients stay and half of them go. And I never advise either way because I know that divorce is an incredibly personal choice. And it is something that has long, long-lasting repercussions. So my work is helping you get to a clean space before you make that decision so that you can make it and love the choice you make. So part of that is knowing: look, either we're gonna make the marriage better and it's gonna be what you want it to be, because that's what relationships are for in our life. It's a space where we grow, but it's also a space where we love and we feel joy and we experience levels of connection we don't experience in other relationships. Or we create the foundation that you will need to end things and move forward into that future filled with everything you love. So if this sounds like you, and if you are ready for this journey and you have just been waiting around for someone to show you the way, then I want you to click subscribe and let's do this together. I firmly believe that if you found me, it's exactly where you're meant to be. Like right here, right now. And I will tell you, I know myself, and there is no one else out there who's gonna say what you need to hear in the ways that I will. I'm a little irreverent, I'm a little spicy, you're gonna get some cuss words, and you're gonna get loved like nobody else will love you. The relationships I form with my clients are unlike anything else. And now you get to be a part of it too. We're about to become best friends, and you will have someone on your team and in your ear who sees how strong and beautiful, like you are stunning and deep and grounded and solid. I see those things in you. I will always question your stories and self-imposed limitations, and I will never let you settle for a life spent half-lived. I seriously can't wait to see you every Tuesday morning. Go ahead and click subscribe and let's do this. I will see you next week.