So the trick is to dig a vertical hole. Vertical Right and obvious rectangle shapes are just gonna be more suspicious.
Micheal Taur:Wow, Dale, you really thought of everything.
Dale Dallas:Also, you should bury a carcass of a dog or a cat or some kind of pet a couple of feet above it. That way, if a dog sniffs it and they excavate it, they'll find uh, oh, uh, red light Dale. Oh, alright, mike. Uh, we'll get to this later on with the show.
Micheal Taur:Good morning Tritown. I'm Michael Tor and I'm Dale Dallas, and this is Everything Matters. Good morning Tritown. Happy to be back once again with some whispers from the old world and stories from the new Hope. You're all sleeping peacefully, dale, how you doing today.
Dale Dallas:Not too great, mike. Honestly, I haven't looked at a mirror for an unconfirmed amount of time and I'm really starting to feel a little dissociated.
Micheal Taur:Well, I will tell you, Dale, I think you look great. Wow, mike, that means a lot to me. Anytime, dale, hello and welcome to the new video Residence. This is a news alert from Tritown updating you on the mysterious vessel off the Moonhaven coast. It seems the light and movement has ceased, although now the vessel is sounding some type of strange foghorn. Residents report the loud, disruptive noise has been sounding for nearly three days straight, leading to quite a few residential complaints. The Tritown City Council has announced that they will begin to play music over the PA system to assist with this nuisance On the scene now. Intern Todd.
Intern Todd:Hey, Mike. Wow, thanks for letting me go out on scene. That this is huge.
Micheal Taur:No problem, tim, it sounds a little crazy out there.
Intern Todd:Oh yeah, people are going crazy. Mike, it's really loud.
Micheal Taur:And that music is not helping at all.
Intern Todd:Not even a little bit, Mike.
Micheal Taur:So has there been any developments in attempts to breach the vessel?
Intern Todd:Well, there have been a few attempts, but it's super strange. It seems to go further away the closer you get to it, but there's no movement on the ship at all. It doesn't even seem to be disturbing the water around it. And look at this, mike.
Micheal Taur:Okay, listeners. Todd is now showing me the vessel. It looks to be some type of small cargo or perhaps a fishing vessel. The screen's a bit grainy, Todd. What am I looking at?
Intern Todd:Well, watch the seagull Mike.
Micheal Taur:Okay, all right. I see a bird flying towards the vessel. It's a little hard to describe how this looks, because the bird and the vessel appear to be moving away. Even though the bird is clearly getting closer to the vessel, it appears it's about to fly right over the ship. And oh, oh, wow, todd, it just fell right out of the sky. Yeah, creepy, isn't it? Well, tom, it's Todd. That's what I said. I literally cannot stand this sound for one more moment, but thank you for all of your hard work getting the story on the ground level. There you have it, folks. More news from Tritown. Stay tuned while we bring you all the latest from the Moonhaven Maritime Authority. It's time for the Tritown Bulletin Board brought to you by Cox Energy.
Dale Dallas:In an Earth Shattering experiment. Scientists claim they have given gravity a 1% boost. Now Tritown is grappling with this event and the gravity of the situation is just sinking it. Stay tuned as we weigh the implications.
Micheal Taur:I knew there was something wrong about my scale this morning, dale. The Tritown Neighborhood Watch asks all residents to take special care to knock down any spider webs built across walkways, sidewalks or trails. Do your part in the psychological war Tritown wages against arachnids. Knocking down these misplaced webs sends a clear message Not here spiders, we really don't need them trying to catch people. We'd make such good allies if they would just stick to the pests.
Dale Dallas:Local chef launches gourmet birdseed line. Pop culture legend and guerrilla gastronomist Amavis Davis leaves a new recipe at local dining spot Bistro Deluxe. Patrons aren't quite sure what to make of this new dish. Mike, the writer of the establishment, sidney Doddison, has had the recipe authenticated by local Amavis Davis expert and collector Scott Cooper. Scott claims this is indeed a new, authentic Amavis Davis original.
Micheal Taur:What do you think Amavis Davis' true identity is Dale?
Dale Dallas:Well, to be honest, Mike, I like the theories that Scott Cooper himself.
Micheal Taur:That would be quite the twist. I've always thought Amavis Davis doesn't exist at all and it's just a brilliant Marie's stew marketing stunt. She's just always so shrewd with those campaigns. She is quite shrewd. A new spinal center has opened in Pine Bridge. Are you, or a loved one, struggling with back pain? Has daily life become filled with aches and discomfort? Well, tritown, there's a warm light at the end of your pain tunnel, introducing the Pine Bridge Spinal Center, your source for new or gently used spines.
Dale Dallas:From personal experience I can say the refurbished models are just as good as the new Chilling Crisis Under the Sea. Researchers in nearby Deep Sea Lab claim to have been stuck awake throughout the blackout. After being cut off from Tritown for so long and consuming all their rations, they were left stranded with nothing left to eat but freeze-dried sardine ice cream. Due to a series of unfortunate typos and misunderstandings, the first resupply to the Deep Sea Lab was several boxes of freeze-dried sardine ice cream.
Micheal Taur:Based on my personal experience with Todd I bet there was an intern reading the correspondence. Interns aren't so bad like Todd's pretty terrible. The post-blackout return to normalcy continues. Open Mic Night is back. That's right. Open Mic Night has returned. Join us this Wednesday midnight at the Threadington Community Center. The Threadington Autopsy Club requests everyone brings a beverage or small dish to share.
Dale Dallas:Hey, are you heading down there this time?
Micheal Taur:Mike, I never do. Dale, this has been the Tritown Bulletin Port brought to you by Cox Energy. It only takes one screw being in of a lightbulb for Cox to become your preference too. To kick off today's Everything Matters, I take a walk in the park with Jeb Marshall and learn about some of Tritown's strange wildlife. Apparently it's that time of year again. The greenery in the Threadington Nature Preservation Park is turning strange hues of red, orange and yellow. There's a crisp chill in the air and a promise of a cold, dark winter ahead. There's many names for these times Quarter three, end of the fiscal year, back to school. But here in the Threadington Nature Park they know it by another name Harvest.
Micheal Taur:I make the trip down to Threadington Nature Preservation Park to meet Park Ranger Jeb Marshall. I had a simple quest to learn more about this strange old-world substance known as milk. Apparently, during harvest there's a strange orange organism that is milked and drained of a precious resource available all throughout Tritown. You probably know of it as pumpkin spice, but you would be as surprised as I was to learn it's not made in a factory, mixed in a lab or squeezed from a flavor packet. Pumpkin spice is a naturally occurring substance harvested from this strange orange, bulbous organism known as a pumpkin.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Well, howdy there, Mike Nice of you to come on out of your tower.
Micheal Taur:Good to see you, Jeb, Excited to learn about some pumpkin milking. It's clear from watching park ranger Jeb Marshall and listening to him speak with a calm reverence for nature that he takes pumpkin milking very seriously.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:So first things first. Pumpkins are most active at dusk, so the best time to go on a pumpkin hunt is right around 4 or 5 am. Now during the day like this is fine, where some luck will find a couple, but it can be a little more difficult. What exactly are we looking for, Jeb? You see, pumpkins are big, bulbous and known for their orange color. Any other time of year they'd stand out like a fish on a bicycle, but this time of year, the colors of the park change and provide them with some fairly effective camouflage.
Micheal Taur:Wow, how many pumpkins have you seen?
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Jeb oh hundreds easy, maybe even thousands. Wow, most of you town people don't come out of the park much anyway, but the Spicers and folks like me see them quite regularly this time of year.
Micheal Taur:Now you're gonna need these earplugs. Oh, what are these for, Jeb?
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:The screaming could get a might be unsettling for the uninitiated.
Micheal Taur:Once we had some warm clothes and some more somber warnings from Jeb on park safety, we set out to the Threadington Nature Preservation Park. There was quite a pleasant gentle wind and the colors were quite beautiful. After a brief walk, jeb stopped us. Alright, now you see, right there.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Yeah.
Micheal Taur:Jeb I see it.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:This here's a pumpkin vine. It's still a little warm. Leaves are green, probably seen use in the last few days or so. We're close.
Micheal Taur:Jeb motions for me to stop and I watch as quietly as possible as Jeb inspects the tracks. You could tell he was really tuning in to every smell and sound of the park. He was completely silent as he moved expertly from tree to tree. I realized if I hadn't already seen him, I'd have no idea he was nearby. After a few minutes of inspection, Jeb motions for me to come up beside him.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Alright, now you see, there Underneath that pine my goodness, I think I do. Yeah, right next to the brush, yeah, alright. Now the trick is to sneak up behind him. You got to straddle him and hold on to that brown bit on the top layer that's called the stem. Go ahead, get your earplugs ready.
Micheal Taur:I watch while park ranger Jeb Marshall quietly sneaks up to the pine he pointed out and all at once, with surprising speed, jeb left toward the tree. There was a flurry of movement and Jeb disappeared into the brush. Through the earplugs I heard the most incredibly unsettling screams, albeit and luckily very muted. I ran ahead to try and get a better view and watch while Jeb demonstrated his technique Legs straddling the pumpkin, both hands secured around the brown horn at the top. He called the stem. The scene looked like a cigarette ad from an old magazine where a cowboy was riding a large horned creature trying to buck him off. After about ten minutes of this wild show, it started to slow and Jeb finally called out to me. I ran up to the pumpkin, now docile and seemingly exhausted, beneath park ranger Jeb Marshall. You could tell he had a practiced hand as he carefully maneuvered around the bulbous curves of its orange flesh.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Alright, now. This next part is locating the teat on this fine specimen, which can be a little difficult as the location varies from creature to creature. Alright, come here now, you little fella. Alright, oopsie daisy. Oh, here we go. Now come on over here, mike.
Micheal Taur:Uh, okay, I'm a little nervous, jeb.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Ah, don't be this pumpkin's right tuckered out in docile. Now grab this part, right? No, not like that, between your fingers, massaging a bit. Right Now, you're gonna squeeze and pull, just like that, right, exactly. Keep it up, gentle. Now, gentle, don't need to get so rough. There it is, there it is.
Micheal Taur:Oh, my goodness, I did it. What a smell, jeb, that's just divine.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:The townspeople go crazy for this stuff, mike.
Micheal Taur:I can see why, and this doesn't hurt the pumpkin at all.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Oh no, no, no, no. Milk and a pumpkin is just as good for it as it is for us.
Micheal Taur:Doesn't hurt at all. Jeb, can I have a taste?
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Absolutely. Just put your mouth right on there, it'll be fine.
Micheal Taur:This is delicious, Jeb. I see now what all the craze is for milk yeah yeah, yeah.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Well, this is one type of milk, probably not the type you're thinking of, but, believe it or not, all kinds of creatures can produce milk. Wow.
Micheal Taur:Jeb, you are a fount of knowledge.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Well, I do have some better, sweet and somber news. What's that, jeb? Well, I was just double checking and I did some measurements while you, you know, took care of business there, and this here beautiful creature is as big as we can allow pumpkins to get for the good of the park and its neighbors. We're gonna have to put this one down.
Micheal Taur:Oh, ah, nature. How big did they get, jeb?
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Well, I don't really know what the limit is to shoot straight, but they really do start to become a danger to themselves and others around this size here. But the good news is the flesh can also be harvested and it makes a hell of a pie. We like to honor the pumpkin and use every part.
Micheal Taur:That's beautiful Park, Ranger Jeb.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Now you go on and get. If you can find your way back, I'll make sure Slash gets back to you.
Micheal Taur:And that, find Denizens of Tritown, is a story of how I learned both where pumpkin spice comes from and what this mysterious milking is all about. Next time you're enjoying your pumpkin spice, remember the pumpkin and maybe even make some time to visit the Threadington Nature Preservation Park and see one for yourselves. Park Ranger Jeb Marshall is a trained expert, and all acts for this segment were done under his watchful supervision. Please do not try this at home.
Dale Dallas:Well, listeners, I can assure you that pie was excellent. Now a word from our sponsors over at Elkhorp.
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L Corp Lawyer:The intelligent climate control system may, on occasion, manifest irregularities, thereby giving rise to temporary temperature fluctuations. It is advisable for users to exercise due diligence in monitoring and addressing such appearances, as they acknowledge risks inherent to the system's functionality.
Bernie Bunson:But please don't let this minor hiccup concern you. It's more like Mother Nature having a momentary lapse in judgment. Our AI systems work tirelessly to rectify these issues, ensuring that your comfort remains top priority. Over here we find the kitchen. Why, yes, the kitchen of tomorrow is a marvel of innovation and convenience. The appliances sometimes emit strange, discordant sounds as they communicate in a language of their own to make cooking a breeze. Intelligent refrigerators with inventory management systems help reduce food waste, while AI-powered cooking assistants provide personalized recipe suggestions and step-by-step guidance. Sustainable practices will take center stage, with integrated composting systems and energy efficient appliances, all promoting eco-friendliness. Countertops double as a cooking surface and 3D printers create culinary masterpieces with precision. As always, the kitchen fosters a sense of community, with virtual cooking classes and social cooking experiences, bringing people together across the globe.
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L Corp Lawyer:The sensors deployed within the garden may intermittently undergo minor operational perturbations, giving rise to subtle variances in the garden's environmental conditions.
Bernie Bunson:Come on now. Let's not make a mountain out of a mole hill. These are little quirks, hardly a big deal, some might say. They add a touch of unpredictability to an otherwise perfectly controlled environment, while the home of tomorrow is a marvel of modern living.
L Corp Lawyer:It is incumbent upon us to address a matter of significant import. A matter, though exceedingly infrequent, requires our utmost attention and caution. In the rarest of instances, a critical system malfunction can occur, resulting in a temporary loss of control over the home's automated features. During such an event, occupants may experience disruptions in lighting, climate control, security and even potential delays in accessing essential areas like the laboratory, kitchen or even the egress to the external environment. It is imperative to underscore that the aforementioned anomaly represents exceedingly rare at a typical event and has been subjected to rigorous scrutiny within our safety procedures. Our specialized team of technicians is suitably prepared to completely address any such contingency, thereby guaranteeing the welfare and security of all inhabitants. It should be acknowledged that the home of tomorrow has been architected with multi-tiered redundancy framework and failsafe mechanisms, particularly as the environment should be mitigated like the order of these exceptional circumstances. Nevertheless, we find it rude to appraise the potential buyers of the infrequent, albeit potentially consequential, matter and reassure them of our unwavering commitment to ensure their safety and contentment through all available means.
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Micheal Taur:Well, that was everything matters. Remember, try town. The post-Blackout Grace period is coming to an end and the census will begin next week. Please ensure you've located all pets, persons and loved ones in preparation for the census. Be prepared to report any anomalies. A good neighbor is a watchful neighbor and a new neighbor is a suspicious neighbor. I wish you all the best of luck in the days ahead. Intern Todd is panicking again. Dale.
Dale Dallas:You know, I still think that's just his face, Mike.
Micheal Taur:Uh, unlikely, he appears to be pointing to some more papers. He slipped below the door. Oh, looks like we have some more notes from the beautiful Tritownese.
Dale Dallas:Uh, first up we have this one from the Dragon Hermit. Congrats to Cobb for winning the lottery. Again, thank you to Dr Leeds for the safety talks. I may or may not have misplaced my protocol books, so, as always, great tips. I always look forward to Mike and Dale to know if it's safe to go outside and to know what's going on around Tritown.
Micheal Taur:Thank you, Dragon Hermit. This one's from Sketchy Squirrel Marie does it again. These tips are fantastic, but my friends and I under the bluffs are waiting to see if that deer will ever share her mother's recipe for those delightful yellow cake bomb pops.
Dale Dallas:I think you'll have to pry that with a brick, cold dead hand. Mr Sketch, mr Squirrel, this one's from AdRail over at Cox Energy. Thank you, mike and Dale, for being there for everyone after the blackout. We love listening to your show while changing the spend fuel rods from the reactor. It's always funny when the new guy starts laughing and accidentally drops the sphere from the core and we get to spend a few weeks mopping up the puddles.
Micheal Taur:Well that woke legal up. I'm getting some strange gestures, Dale, will you get legal back to sleep? This is from Klaus Hans. Hey, Mike and Dale writing in to say thanks for the reminder to recycle my used blood bags. I had a pile of them building up at the front door and almost threw them down the chute. What a grave mistake that would have been. May algorithm. God bless this Tritown Looking forward to the next broadcast, as am I.
Dale Dallas:You gotta recycle those blood bags. The recycling's good for the community.
Micheal Taur:Very good for the community. Indeed, this has been. Everything Matters, remember everything's real, it all matters, and Mike, we got a caller. Oh, okay, I guess we have a little time left here.
Park Ranger Jeb Marshal:Hello this is Harvey Nelson broadcasting on our channel, If you can hear me?
Micheal Taur:Hello, caller, welcome to Everything Matters what news from Tritown? Hello, come in. I can hear you, caller. Oh my God, I haven't heard another voice in. Oh, sorry about that. Folks Seems like Todd. Please don't hang up. I have just a question. Okay, caller, before your question, if you could please identify yourself and your police of residence? I'm Harvey Nelson.
L Corp Lawyer:I'm looking for my wife, sarah Nelson, and I live in Indianapolis, todd.
Micheal Taur:Sorry about that, folks. As I was saying, it's all real, everything Matters and it never ends. We'll see you next week.
Intern Todd:Thanks for listening to Everything Matters. This is intern Todd. Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Network. If you're listening from the 21st century, you could really help us grow by leaving us a review on Spotify and Apple podcasts. The algorithm God hungers greatly and saving him can be a full-time job, so leave us a review on Spotify and Apple. If you leave a review as a resident of Tritown, without breaking the fourth wall, dale and Mike might read your review on the show. Just make sure you don't, you know, give anything away that you're from the 21st century or that could really, you know, break Mike and Dale's minds. Yeah, links are at EverythingMattersPodcom. If you're listening from the 22nd and 24th century, you can review us on Musknet in exchange for one kudo. 25th to 29th century please get off the internet immediately. Using the internet poses a public safety hazard. All other centuries. Call 1-800-MATTERS if it is safe to do so. Again, that's EverythingMattersPodcom.