2 - Tunnels, Wives, and Easter Eggs

SPECIAL NEWS BULLITEN
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS

Prepare yourselves to DIVE DEEP as Micheal Taur journeys underground with special guest, Linda Kali. Enjoy a thrilling introduction to a new chapter of the "Vera Noir, Private Eye" radio drama. Hit the streets with Dale Dallas to get the BUZZ about new moving picture: Galactic Frontier. All this and more on today's episode of EVERYTHING MATTERS.

Thanks to Emily Foulger (Vera Noir), Maggie Borden (Linda Kali), and Andrew McClelland (Intern Todd) for lending us their beautiful voices.  

About The Show
Everything Matters is a Comedy Horror Podcast published every Tuesday. Join Micheal Taur and Dale Dallas as they broadcast the planet's most popular programme to the Tri Town area.

Be sure to follow or subscribe to the show on your preferred podcast provider. It's easier for you to stay up to date and helps us greatly! If you're enjoying the show, please leave us a review. Reviews and sharing with your friends is the best way to show your support.

Disclaimer: Everything Matters IS ENTIRELY satirical, and the people and places in Everything Matters are fiction. Do not try ANYTHING from the broadcast in real life. None of this is real. 

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Written and Hosted by Grant Mielke and Cody Smith

Transcript

Dale Dallas 0:01

Bobby Banana battle the battalion of bouncing bubblebeats. Bobby Banana, bobby Banana, mike, you're not supposed to do that. It's bad for the vocal cords. You're not supposed to do that, mike.

Micheal Taur 0:17

Terrifying tentacles twist tween the tombstones tightly. Terrifying tentacles twist tween the tombstones tightly.

Dale Dallas 0:25

The bulbous walrus. The bulbous walrus. The bulbous walrus is back. Oh, looks like the red lights. Back, mike, we gotta get to broadcasting.

Micheal Taur 0:40

Good morning Tritown. I'm Michael Taur and I'm Dale Dallas and this is Everything Matters, flying high on the airwaves over Moon Haven, pine Bridge and Threadington. Wishing everyone in the Tritown area another happy and hydrated day in this stable era. If you can hear us, the lines are open. We are taking callers Lots of fresh calls lately, mike. That's right. Dale, seems like Tritown has really started to return to normalcy.

Dale Dallas 1:15

Well, I wish more of them would actually talk to us. The heavy breathing is really coming up the lines.

NEWS ALERT: MARITIME WARNING

Micheal Taur 1:20

I'll get Todd right on that, Dale. Get those screened for you. I appreciate it, Mike. This just in Special notice from the Moonhaven Maritime Authority. A vessel has been spotted approximately two miles off the coast of Moonhaven. While the boat is showing visible movement on board and is illuminated with the occasional light, it has not responded to multiple hails. Attempts to approach the vessel have proven fruitless, as the vessel seems to get further and further away the closer the Moonhaven Maritime Authority gets to it. The vessel appears to be about 100 meters in length.

Dale Dallas 1:59

What exactly is a meter? Again, Mike.

Micheal Taur 2:02

I don't know Dale and had a red stripe running the length vertically. The lights have been of various colors and do not seem to follow a pattern of movement. Attempts to hail the vessel include VHF light signals and ESP. All have failed. All vessels in the vicinity of Moonhaven are advised to exercise caution and consider docking. The earners are requested to report any additional observations or interactions with the vessel to the Moonhaven Maritime Authority immediately. Any vessel with communication capabilities is encouraged to continue hailing the unidentified boat and report any responses.

Dale Dallas 2:38

Stay safe Moonhaven.

Micheal Taur 2:39

That's exactly right, Dale.

Tri Town Bulliten Board

Dale Dallas 2:41

I can't believe the ESP didn't work. It's time for the Tritown Boltonport brought to you by Cox Energy.

Micheal Taur 2:56

This just in you can teach a man to fish and give him a fish. Ancient Curse.

Dale Dallas 3:02

Awakens. Nightmare's visions have been reported all over the Tritown area. But amid all the confusion, one local pie-bridge celebrity and winner of favorite grandmother award suggests a try to true remedy Brew a pot of chamomile tea before bedtime and add just a pinch of grout mummy dust from your pantry and your nightmares will be a thing of the past in no time flat. In other news, the town's mummy supply is running dangerously low.

Micheal Taur 3:30

I've been sitting on the mail order resupply for far too long. We all know that surprises aren't always a good thing, especially for everyone who's just waking up. There can be any number of unexpected household appliance failures, pests or other hazards. In response, the Tritown City Council is happy to announce that poison control, hazardous waste and explosives defusal hotline has been reopened. Just dial 221 and select. Help Me, I'm having trouble waking up from the available prompts.

Dale Dallas 4:00

Yeah, all my gadgets are on the fritz right now, mike. It is literally driving me insane. Fish with human-like faces spotted local pond are mutations on the rise. Local scientists are truly floundering to explain this. One Seems these fish have decided to give evolution a finny-do-twist, but the terrifying expressions of their uncannily human faces suggest something far more threatening lurking just beneath the surface.

Micheal Taur 4:27

Subs fishy-dale. Did you wake up to a life-like stuffed dog, deer or other creature in or outside of your home? An important notice from the Pine Bridge Constabulary Chief of Police, bradley Stockhart, is offering a reward for information on any unauthorized taxidermy.

Dale Dallas 4:45

Yeah, that happened to me, Mike. I was just getting around for the broadcast and I saw my wife standing out in the yard, but thankfully she was just taxidermy, that's terrifying Dale. In other news. Tritown celebrates National Sadness Day with tears of joy, as citizens all over the region gather to commemorate a day of unexplainable elation and happiness. People all over town are just happy to be sad, Mike.

Micheal Taur 5:11

We will cheer up all those terrified fish Dale. We can only hope Marie Stew's canned goods announces a new flavor From the culinary minds that brought you teriyaki barbecue and original flavored canned meat. Now comes the latest development in shelf-stocking splendor Mystery bags. That's right, mixed pleasure with nourishment with Marie Stew's mystery bags. Surprise, it's Marie Stew's canned meat. Your whole family will love tearing into these sensibly packaged and calorie-rich meals.

Dale Dallas 5:44

You know, Mike, original is my favorite. I don't know why everyone always gives me so much guff about it, but I say, give me that original meat.

Vera Noir: Private Eye

Micheal Taur 5:52

This has been the Tritown Bulletin Board brought to you by Cox Energy. If you've had enough of those flimsy, flaccid copper wires dangling around your home, call your partner right now and tell them I want Cox Energy. On today's Everything Matters, dale Dallas hits the streets and asks locals about the new moving picture Galactic Frontier. In a brand new chapter of Out and About Around Tritown, I meet with grocer and mining expert Linda Kiley To kick it all off. A brand new chapter of Vera Noir Private Eye. In the shadows of a city draped in secrets, there's one woman who dares uncover the truth. A dame with eyes as sharp as her whip and a heart that's seen its share of hurt. A big heart that falls easily but drives her to seek justice in a world that looks the other way.

Dale Dallas 7:03

This is Varun War Private Eye.

Moviegoer 1 7:15

The city was weeping, dark rain covering the streets. I was alone for the night, finally, just me myself. Two fingers and a half handled koheba. I was about to put on a record when my office door creaked open and I heard footsteps. Are you the?

Moviegoer 1 7:32

Private Eye he asked what's it say on the door? I thought. But what I said was that's me. What's eating? Ya, my wife Lila Gross, I thought, but he kept on before I could crack wise. She's gone missing. I need your help. Missing dames are a dime a dozen in this city.

Moviegoer 1 7:55

Something about the sound of his voice, all sad like that, got me to look up into these deep oceans of blue eyes. He was tall and lean, as every subtle movement was graceful, deliberate, like a slow dance. Only he knew the steps to His suit perfectly tailored, whispered of elegance, and the way it hugged his frame made it clear he was no stranger to physical pursuits. Dark, wavy hair framed a face with a strong jaw, softened by the gentle curve of his lips. I realized I had started sweating. I cleared my throat and did my best to stop imagining him pushing all the files off my desk, shoving my paperweight down my throat.

Moviegoer 1 8:38

He handed over a photograph. On the back it just said Lila. When I flipped it over, my heart almost stopped. This was a photo of the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. Her legs seemed to go on forever, ending in heels. I wished she'd used to gouge my eyes out. She had thighs like fleshy, moist tree trunks and I couldn't help but imagine her squishing my silly little squirrel head. Between them. She was all curves, as geometrically impossible as she was beautiful. But that wasn't the most intoxicating part. Her eyes, those deep blue oceans of love and loss. I kept on a poker face but my lips were about to betray me with a single word Mommy. But luckily the man spoke first. Find her Money's no object, money talks. I managed between weasers.

Moviegoer 1 9:30

I hit the streets, starting with the blue parrot. Lila was known to frequent that joint. Talk to the barkeep. Lila, yeah, she was here a few nights ago, left with some tall fella. The plot thickened like the fog outside. She's here just about every Thursday. It's bridge night. It was Tuesday, so I only had a couple of days to wait for the next bridge night.

Moviegoer 1 9:52

When Thursday rolled around, I posted up in my beater and put the seat back. Lo started to work through a few packs of cigarettes and an old tuna fish. Sure enough, guess who showed Lila? She was talking to the bartender. When I stepped in. He nodded toward me and she headed out the back in a hurry. I followed, of course. The back door led to an alleyway. It was raining again and Lila somehow managed to look even more breathtaking in the pouring rain. That's when I heard who the hell are you?

Moviegoer 1 10:22

I turned from Lila to see the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever taken in. It was a pudgy fella. He had the type of belly you'd curl up on in front of a fireplace, naked on bearskin. I was sure from the way he stood he could barbecue one hell of a hamburger patty Type of burger that make you do things. The bulge in his couple of sizes, two small dad jeans, seemed to pulse. With my quickening heartbeat I wanted him to crack me open like a cold one, but I realized I had started to drool. Quickly shut my mouth. That's my wife, he said.

Micheal Taur 11:00

That's a wrap for this week. Who is this Joker accosting Vera in the alleyway? What's Lila's secret? Stay tuned and find out on the next Vera Noir Private Eye.

Dale Dallas 11:32

Hello there Tritout. I'm Dale Dallas and welcome to Sidewalk Spotlights. Today we're standing right outside the bustling Tritout multiplex where we just caught a sensational screening of the new film Galactic Frontier. The anticipation is palpable and we're eagerly waiting to hear from moviegoers about their thoughts on this epic space adventure. Excuse me, sir, Sir, what did you think of?

Moviegoer 1 11:56

the film, I don't know. You know, it kind of made me uneasy. The aliens in the movie were just so advanced and benevolent and it made me wonder if they were setting an impossibly high standard for my life, and how am I supposed to live up to that standard?

Dale Dallas 12:10

You know, I think I have to agree with you on that one. Thank you very much for the insights. Pardon me miss what did you think of the film?

Moviegoer 2 12:16

I'm just really concerned about this film's accuracy. What if it's a deliberate misrepresentation of aliens to distract us from real extraterrestrial activity? I mean, who's fact checking these frickin' filmmakers? I can't help but worry that that movie was an elaborate cover-up for actual alien encounters. Or what if all those UFO sightings were just publicity stunts for this film? I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

Dale Dallas 12:41

Interesting take. Thanks anyway. You, sir, can you sum up the film? For me it was like having sex with ET, you know. You know. You know how some movies have hidden Easter eggs For like fans to find. Well, this one hid an Easter egg in my butt. Well, things are starting to get pretty lively out here in the Tritown Multiplex. I think that's about enough for this segment. I'm Dale Dallas and next is Michael Tore. Without a bow, trite out.

Micheal Taur 13:24

On this episode of Out and About Tritown. I'm visiting Threadington Grocer Linda Kali to dive deep into the world of holes. Hi, linda.

Linda Kali 13:37

Yeah, hi.

Micheal Taur 13:40

The Egyptians had their pyramids, china had their great wall, america had their shopping malls and the reunited peoples had their containment facilities. Linda from Threadington has a complex underground tunnel system under her home. Humans have always been fascinated by what lies beneath. Linda takes that to a whole other level, a lower level. Tell everyone a little bit about yourself, linda.

Linda Kali 14:11

My name is Linda Kali and I have been building a tunnel system under my home for the last 13 years.

Micheal Taur 14:19

How does one go about starting to build a tunnel system under their home?

Linda Kali 14:25

Well, mike, as time has gone on, I've found I spend more and more time in my bunker office instead of my home. And the more I spent in my bunker office, the more I started craving to know what lay below it. After a couple nights of sleeping here, I made up my mind I was going to create an underground tunnel system below my home 13 years ago I woke up at exactly 3.33 am, knowing the location of a cache of power tools hidden by my great grandmother.

Linda Kali 15:01

I dug them up and immediately started cutting and opening through the reinforced concrete. When the hole was large enough for a human body, I started to carve through the solid rock at about a 30-degree angle.

Micheal Taur 15:16

What did you do with all of the excavated rock and dirt?

Linda Kali 15:20

I fabricated a mine cart system out of wheelbarrows and wire, the thick cox energy stuff. Nice, I was moving a thousand pounds of dirt and stone a day. I enjoyed digging so much at first I lost track of time. I found myself digging for long periods of time. My family became concerned for my health. Six years ago my husband left me and took my children.

Micheal Taur 15:49

This is a fine tunnel, linda. You've made stairs. Looks like you've run lights, all of these cute runes on the walls. Oh, is this a little bench you've carved here?

Linda Kali 16:02

I'm not sure. I think it might be an altar.

Micheal Taur 16:06

Linda had gone very deep. I couldn't help but be impressed, as I lost track of how long I had been following her. The sprawling tunnel system below her home seemed to go deeper and deeper.

Linda Kali 16:20

So around here I started to have some issues with leakage, so I dug a pit to help drain it and made this custom drainage pipe system, and I have been pumping this out behind the grocery store.

Micheal Taur 16:34

What exactly is this liquid, Linda?

Linda Kali 16:37

I'm not sure, but I can tell you one thing Don't drop your keys in it. So we're getting near the end Around here. I started setting up ventilation and needed to reinforce the walls. I've used hundreds and hundreds of cinder blocks and started mixing my own concrete.

Micheal Taur 17:00

This is quite impressive. It is starting to get pretty hot, though. How deep would you say we are right now, Linda?

Linda Kali 17:09

I think we're at least a thousand meters underground.

Micheal Taur 17:13

There was that word again Meters. I just kept hearing about them.

Linda Kali 17:18

I don't know how much longer I have to go, I just know I need to keep digging.

Micheal Taur 17:25

Unnoble pursuit, Linda. How have you been managing the grocery store while doing all of this?

Linda Kali 17:32

I haven't worked at the grocery store in 13 years.

Micheal Taur 17:37

Um, there's absolutely a Linda at the Thredington Grocery Store. I spoke with her yesterday scheduling this interview.

Linda Kali 17:46

Oh, that's not me.

Micheal Taur 17:48

They let you pump the liquids behind the grocery store, though Still, uh right, linda, what's that noise we keep hearing?

Linda Kali 18:03

What noise?

Micheal Taur 18:06

It's uh, grummy Whispers maybe. Maybe it's just wind Are you, Linda?

Dale Dallas 18:15

are you feeling all?

Outro Matters

Micheal Taur 18:15

right, linda, linda. Well, there you have it, folks. Another heartwarming story from a hard-working Tritown-y, a reminder that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. I wish Linda all the best in her destiny to dig. This has been Michael Thor, and another chapter of Out and About Tritown. Well, dale, that felt good. Good indeed, mike, it's good to be back.

Micheal Taur 19:00

In turn. Todd has been sliding these papers under the door the whole program. And now he is frantically waving at me, but I think that's just a normal wave, mike, then why does he look so frantic, dale?

Dale Dallas 19:13

I think that's just how he looks, mike.

Micheal Taur 19:15

Oh, this looks like some feedback from the beautiful folks from Tritown via route of something called Apple Podcasts. Oh nice, let's see what we have here. Dana says thanks to Mike and Dale for their segment with Park Ranger Jeb Marshall. I now feel 100% confident that I can navigate the grand orchestra of the Mesa Trails With a snake kid in hand and the knowledge of how to use it. I set my sight on conquering my fear of snakes. Much thanks from Dana.

Dale Dallas 19:53

Be safe out there. Dana, Don't buy any ticket-study reptilian cardinals. Here's another one. This one's from Nathan. I'll keep this brief as I'm already over my online compliments quota for the month, but it's great to have Mike and Dale back on the air after the blackout. It really fills a void in my ever-consuming chest cavity that I've really been looking to scratch. An inch that's finally filled. Their voices are so intelligent. Their commentary is very soothing Just what I needed my day. Michael and Dale, wonderful to have you back in my head.

Micheal Taur 20:25

How eloquent, nathan. Thank you so much. This next one's from Noah. Just gotta say loving the show. You too are my favorite newscasters. Can't stay for long, as I'm just about to try and assert my dominance in the mirror. Wish me luck.

Dale Dallas 20:42

Good luck, noah. I recommend just covering the dang thing. This one's from Zinsetsu. Is that how you say that, zinsetsu? Good enough, dale. The blackout is finally over. Great to hear your voices again. Mike and Dale. Hope you both stayed safe during the blackout, especially Dale, since I heard you scored a six on the mirror safety test. I'll have to make sure to stock up on more Cox energy before the next blackout comes around. Almost ran out this time.

Micheal Taur 21:11

Well, I love Cox as much as the next guy, but I don't know how you'd run out of that. There are quite a few papers here, so we'll read more next week. In just a moment you'll hear from intern Todd on how to get your feedback on Everything Matters. Thank you, listeners, for tuning in and remember it's all real, everything matters and it never ends. This program would not be possible without the support of listeners like you. Special thanks to the Waking Up team.

Micheal Taur 21:41

That French guy, spaz Varen, summer Seatown, jeremy Zann, fred Grouchs, max did with an explanation point. Sleepy Elf, known Ironbeard, keith the true paradox, orderhouse Excalibur, daniel Forrest, some nerd, scion Fate, that one joke guy, the rogue writer, twin Zip, calyx, cord Faith, sketchy Squirrel, ren Wolf, adrian Samoth, the Dreamweaver, lassius Verts, the Frisky Sloth, loomy Darkmoon, tobio Dre, andy Hustlost, hope Eretach, the Jill Pineapple, noah's Ark, adrail the Dragon, hermit, scion Fate, ken V or Ken V, I don't know. Ken McCliver believe that's a typo. Ken Lins, e Brass, joker, joe 2.0, papa Fenn, just happy to be here. Elf Shade, jesse Klaus, hans and the Ace of Spades. That was the Everything Matters Waking Up Team. Thank you for all of your support launching the show. Now a word for Intern Todd.

Intern Todd 23:21

Thanks for listening to Everything Matters. This is Intern Todd. Everything Matters is a part of the Homebrew Network. If you're listening from the 21st century, you could really help us grow by leaving us a review on Spotify and Apple podcasts. The algorithm god hungers greatly and saving him can be a full-time job, so leave us a review on Spotify and Apple. If you leave a review as a resident of Tritown, without breaking the fourth wall, dale and Mike might read your review on the show. Just make sure you don't, you know, give anything away that you're from the 21st century or that could really, you know, break Mike and Dale's minds. Yeah, links are at EverythingMattersPodcom. If you're listening from the 22nd and 24th century, you can review us on Musknet in exchange for one kudo. 25th to 29th century please get off the internet immediately. Using the internet poses a public safety hazard. All other centuries. Call 1-800-MATTERS if it is safe to do so. Again, that's EverythingMattersPodcom.