Sips from the Fountain

Infertility: Life Wasn’t Supposed to Be Like This

• Martha Gano • Episode 23

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Join us for an enlightening and heartfelt episode as we delve into the emotional journey of infertility. Esther bravely shares her struggles, revealing the pain of waiting, the lies that often cloud our hopes, and the profound strength that emerges through faith. Her story navigates the complexities of longing for motherhood and the many trials faced along the way. 

Listen as she opens up about the personal battles that life brought her way, leading to powerful truths and revelations from God. This episode serves as both a source of solace for anyone facing similar struggles and a reminder that our identities are not defined by life circumstances. Through candid discussions, we explore the transformation that occurs when we shift our focus from what we desire to what we can learn through the pain.

This conversation is not just for those dealing with infertility; it resonates with anyone seeking understanding and meaning in their struggles. Tune in to lean on the stories of others, find encouragement, and perhaps take a sip from the fountain of hope that flows through shared experiences. 

Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review if you found solace in our conversation. We love connecting with our listeners and hearing your stories!

Martha:

Do you ever feel like life can get too complicated and maybe even overwhelming? Yeah, me too, and it's okay. My name's Martha Gano, and in this podcast we're going to talk about life, love, faith, family relationships, all kinds of things, and we're going to drink from what God wants to pour into us, one small sip at a time, because when it's the fountain of living water, small sips make all the difference. Sometimes it'll be just you and me, sometimes we'll have a friend join us. If we could have lunch together today, this is what I'd want to talk about. Hey, hey, hey you guys. Thanks for joining us today on the podcast. One of my very favorite people in the world is here with us today. It's my sister, Esther Harbin. I'd like to set some ground rules first. Please, no old stories.

Esther:

I can't make any promises Okay.

Martha:

Okay, we are actually in the middle of our series here.

Martha:

Life was not supposed to turn out this way, and I know that when we think of that topic, we feel really vulnerable and it goes into some of actually our deepest pain in the world and in our lives personally, or whether it's with people we know and love.

Martha:

And so I'm feeling that today with my sister, because she's actually willing to talk about something that not a lot of people talk about firsthand and that is a very painful, very difficult kind of situation, and she's willing to share how God walked her through it, what she learned from it and her takeaways from it. From the other side of the journey, having made it through which I think is the big goal and her takeaways from it from the other side of the journey, having made it through which I think is the big goal is just to come through hard times better and not bitter, and having chosen to take the high road instead of being pulled down the rabbit hole of pain, loss and disappointment where they can often take us. So today's topic is infertility, and I asked Esther if she would just start off first with telling us a little bit about what the story looked like for her. So, esther, do you mind just giving us a quick what happened?

Esther:

Sure. So my husband and I, jeremiah, got married. I was 19. He was 20. We were a year out of high school, so we were babies, wow year out of high school.

Esther:

So we were babies, wow, and probably about 22,.

Esther:

When I was 22, is when we decided that we would try to start having children and growing our family. So at the time we were in Guam, he was in the Navy, so that's where he was stationed, and we were there for two years and it just didn't happen while we were there. So when he got stationed back in Great Lakes, illinois, I started seeing the doctors there. It was funny the young new doctor there was like I think you might have something that is just kind of coming up on everyone's radar, which is PCOS. So I was diagnosed with that while we were in the military and then kind of put things on hold because I was in nursing school and then graduated from nursing school a month after Jeremiah got out of the Navy and then we moved back to Georgia. So then kind of had to start the process all over again with new doctors outside of the military and it just for gosh. I think we ended up trying for 11 years. I did Clomid, did some other meds, but it just never happened.

Martha:

We'll share, at the very end, what has happened with your family at the end. So that means you're going to have to stay here till the end of the story. In the podcast you say that and that's like a span of like 13 years total and it's easy to say, but that's a long time to experience pain and I think, walking us through maybe even some of the backside behind the curtains of what it felt like. I'd love to ask you the question backside behind the curtains of what it felt like. I'd love to ask you the question what were maybe some of the lies that the enemy tried to get you to believe during that time about life yourself, god? What were some of those?

Esther:

Some of the things that I went through were, you know, it's not an important enough prayer request Like why does it matter? There are so many children in the world that need homes, and how can I even ask God to give me a child when there's children out there that need parents? So I felt like I couldn't even ask God for it or, you know, could only ask and hope. To a certain degree, I felt like I was robbing my husband of fatherhood by being broken.

Martha:

Wow.

Esther:

I felt I was not whole as a woman, I couldn't fulfill my destiny. I also really struggled with finding a formula, a prayer, something wrong that I've done or did in my life that was keeping you know, like that was the key. If I could figure that out, then God would bless me with a child. As you work through all that, it's so easy to go into bitterness. You're bitter, I mean, just to see someone pregnant. You don't want them not to be pregnant. That's not the point.

Esther:

The point is that why can't I? What is wrong with me? Why can't you say yes to me? How can a drug addict or someone who has an abortion or didn't want the child like why can't I just have that baby? Why couldn't that be me? But all of that kind of is so self-centric. I would feel entitled to. I love Jesus, I'm in a good marriage, I have financial means, I deserve a baby, but entitlement just leads to bitterness and disappointment. Those are some of the lies, but kind of the nitty gritty of what you just go through each month is just on the bathroom floor every time. Yeah.

Martha:

Mm, hmm.

Esther:

And just the pain and crying out to God. Why Jesus, why not? You know you have all those thoughts, you work through all those thoughts in your day in and day out, but what it comes down to is that moment every month that's so painful.

Martha:

Well, and we mentioned it when we were talking about this beforehand this concept of a transactional relationship with God, like I think we're so performance based and we mentioned it when we were talking about this beforehand this concept of a transactional relationship with God, like I think we're so performance based and we actually talk about this and we'll keep talking about it a lot here in our podcast together. But we think, if I'm a good person, then even those of us who know that we've been bought by the blood of Jesus and that we have nothing good I still had it in my brain If I perform well, if I do good things, then I'll get a good life. So there had to be some. Yeah, what have I done? That's bad, that's meant I've not gotten the things in life that I want, and that's just a transactional view of God that he's here to punish us or reward us based on behavior which completely nullifies the gospel.

Esther:

Right.

Martha:

It takes completely away from what Jesus did on the cross. So if that is not in place, if these lies aren't in place, I think the next thing I'd like to ask you, especially for those who are going through this have been through it, because it may be that you've been through this, but you've got residual bitterness in your heart that the Lord wants to crack that hardness, open and heal those wounds. What would you say were the things that God revealed to you about what was true, about the situation, about you, about him, life, to counter all those lies?

Esther:

life to counter all those lies. So I think you know, logically, you know some of those things are true, like I know that there's no magic formula that I need to do because obviously it's an even playing field. People are having babies all over the place, right? But kind of you just have to work through that thought process. And I actually read a book recently Kind of you just have to work through that thought process. And I actually read a book recently Living Fearless by Jamie Winship, and he put into words, kind of where I landed in my journey.

Esther:

Which God, what do you say I need to get through this situation? It's not what do I want, what can you give me, lord, this is what I want. But it comes from a different place in your heart, like what do I want? What can you give me, lord? This is what I want. But it comes from a different place in your heart, like what do you have for me? What do you say I need? And then what is it you want me to know from this? And then what am I supposed to do with it? And he put that into words for me. But that is where I landed. Like God, you are going to use this and I'm willing to be that vessel. I'm willing to learn that lesson and not become bitter because you're going to use this.

Martha:

I think, too, it goes back to like what we started talking about at the beginning of the podcast, and that is, we try to draw life from things that were never meant to fill our hearts and spirits. That's been single forever and thinks they have to have a husband, or someone who's been through divorce and thinks, if I could? Just someone who has never been successful, they may think if I can just get the dream job, whatever it is in this case, I can't have a child. I think it can become bigger than it actually was ever intended to be, to the point where it's the only thing that's going to make me happy. I have to make have it, and if I could have it, I would be completely happy.

Esther:

There's a lie in there too Well and you know the treatment rabbit hole because there is treatment for infertility and I think it is a great option and you know you should pray about what you feel led for your family to do. But it's a rabbit hole of hope and despair and you know it's like the same swinging back and forth, but it's a rabbit hole. You can go down, but to your point too. I think that a lot of times there's support groups for things because people feel like nobody knows what I go through unless they've been through it, and that is true, like I'm so grateful that I've been able to help some people walk through the infertility journey. But pain is pain and at the end of the day, what is God going to show us we need and how is he going to meet us there in our pain and what are we going to allow ourselves to become from it?

Martha:

Would you say there are things that you learned that you maybe never would have gotten to that place with God, or insights that you've had because you went through this journey. What are you grateful for? We'll just roll that all in there.

Esther:

Absolutely. I think I very much became. Things in my life do not define who I am. God defines who I am. I'm grateful for that and that is what I learned. My husband doesn't define who I am, or my happiness being a mother doesn't define who I am. My child that I do have spoiler alert, sneak preview does not define who I am. God defines who I am, and then if you get your strength from God and your fulfillment from God, then you're not pulling on the people in your lives to fulfill you.

Martha:

So of course, things like that are important. They do bring us happiness in life, but they are right perspective, they're put in the right place when you realize, oh, I'm not supposed to draw deep life meaning from any of these things. I'm supposed to draw it from the Lord and pour it out, and then I can appropriately enjoy the gifts. And it also means I'm not devastated forever if I don't get the thing that I decided I had to have to make me happy. My last question for you would be what do you have to say to anyone that may be going through this right now, or maybe has been through it in the past, and it's still a wound that they bear in their hearts? It's not healed.

Esther:

Read Living Fearless by Jamie Winship. It's a deceptively skinny book. It packs a punch. No, I think he just kind of defines all the again pain is pain, no matter what shape or form it comes in. Infertility is something. The pain of it is something you have to go through. You can't go around it. And there are a ton of well-intentioned people. Don't be bitter, or don't let it make you bitter, when people say, well, just stop thinking about it and it'll happen. Or just have a glass of wine and it'll happen. You know, you're having to think about it day and night because you have to take your temperature and you have to take ovulation tests and you have to take hormone shots and you have to take pills, and then you have to do certain things at certain times. Just don't let those things make you better. And I think, when you're going through it, if you can really pull your life source and your meaning and your identity from God and not from the infertility, okay, tell us how the story ends.

Esther:

So again, it had probably been about 13 years we'd been married and 11 years we had not been able to get pregnant. And on a Friday afternoon actually, we had moved back to Georgia, my sister was pregnant, our other sister was pregnant and then had the baby. And then we got to babysit the baby and that's sweet, lydia. And for the first time my husband was open to adoption because he realized you know you can love, you can love a baby. Because he realized you know you can love, you can love a baby. And so we on a Friday afternoon sat down and said we'll save for the next two years and if we don't get pregnant we will go through the adoption process. That next Monday my husband got a call from a family member saying that she was pregnant and would we adopt. So we brought baby Luke home from the hospital. He is now 12 and middle schooler, and are you rethinking things?

Esther:

Right, there has been some sass coming up, but so much fun, so precious Again, so important for us to not draw our meaning from him because that puts an unnecessary pressure on him.

Martha:

I think too, esther, that you would not be the woman that you are if you had not chosen humility, if you had chosen to keep your heart open to God, even when you could have shut your heart and been bitter. You did the hard work of not becoming that person and of choosing who you were going to be, despite what your pain, loss and disappointments were, and because of that, luke has a completely different woman as a mom than he would have if you had made different choices in your journey. Even though it never changed your situation never changed but you decided to change who you were into the person that you want to be. So I just want to honor you for that. I'm so grateful that Luke has that kind of mom.

Esther:

I am so grateful. He is such a blessing, our family is such a blessing, and I'm just grateful that those moments on the bathroom floor that I did say God, I want, I want you to be glorified in this, whatever work you need to do in my heart, and I think that was the most powerful cry. I didn't get there overnight. That was probably year six, seven, eight. That's good perspective, though.

Martha:

Yeah.

Esther:

You know, after a long time. I just wanted to make sure that I was not bitter and that it was God who was glorified and me who was changed.

Martha:

So good. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us, esther, and if this is something that you'd like to reach out about, you certainly can email us at SipsFromTheFountain at gmailcom, and we'd be glad to reach out and see how we could help you. And feel free, please, to share this with anyone that you think it would bless. I was having a hard time with this. Going through it, I'm walking away with insight about being sensitive and considerate of people who were in this journey. You know, esther, I never knew how hard it was for you until it was all over, and I think that's an important message as well. Just because nothing isn't happening, that nothing that's not happening is the painful part for people who are in an infertility struggle, so it's made me more sensitive to to those folks.

Martha:

So thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable and to come on and share.

Esther:

Thank you for having me.

Martha:

Okay, thanks you guys so much. Have a great rest of your day and we'll see you next time on the podcast. Hey you guys, thanks for hanging out with us today. I hope you got some refreshment from this sip from the fountain. If you're curious to hear more or if you like what you've heard, you can go ahead and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen to yours, or follow our Instagram account, sips from the fountain, or our Facebook page by the same name.

Martha:

Special thanks for cover art photography to the Sarah D Harper, and I can't wait to hang out with you guys next time. Thanks so much, love y'all, thank you. Hey, you guys, thanks for hanging out with us today. I hope you got some refreshment from this sip from the fountain. If you're curious to hear more, or if you like what you've heard, you can go ahead and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen to yours, or follow our Instagram account, sips from the Fountain, or our Facebook page by the same name. Special thanks for Cover Art Photography to the Sarah D Harper, and I can't wait to hang out with you guys next time. Thanks so much, love y'all, thank you.