Sips from the Fountain
Learning to drink from Jesus, the Fountain of Living Water, isn’t as hard as I thought, especially when you just start with sips, and those will change everything.
Sips from the Fountain
Deep Drink: The Journey Back from Pain, Loss, and Disappointment
What happens when the God you've trusted lets you down? When prayers for healing go unanswered and the unthinkable happens? Elise Adams walks us through her raw, honest journey through both infertility and the sudden loss of her father to cancer.
After years of fertility treatments and heartbreak, Elise and her husband Michael welcomed their miracle baby William. Their faith had grown stronger through the waiting. But just when life seemed perfect, her father was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer and passed away just two weeks later. The finality of this loss—coupled with confusion about why God didn't heal him—sent Elise spiraling away from faith.
"I didn't want to sing songs about the goodness of God," she shares candidly. "He wasn't good to me. He didn't heal my dad, and he could have." For nearly five years, Elise walked away completely. During this time, she unexpectedly became pregnant twice more without medical intervention, which only complicated her feelings. How could she be grateful to the God she was angry with?
The turning point came through reading about God's heart for sufferers and a startling realization that she had become a "reverse evangelist"—actively discouraging others from faith. "I learned that God is gentle and lowly," Elise explains. "Mercy comes second nature to Him. He was just waiting for me to come back."
This conversation offers profound insights into grief, the questions we ask when God doesn't answer as expected, and the patient love that waits for our return. Whether you're walking through loss, questioning God's goodness, or supporting someone who is, you'll find wisdom, comfort, and hope in Elise's journey back to faith.
Check out the book that was a turning point in Elise’s journey: GENTLE AND LOWLY, THE HEART OF CHRIST FOR SINNERS AND SUFFERERS by Dane Ortlund.
Do you ever feel like life can get too complicated and maybe even overwhelming? Yeah, me too, and it's okay. My name's Martha Gannot, and in this podcast we're going to talk about life, love, faith, family, relationships, all kinds of things, and we're going to drink from what God wants to pour into us, one small sip at a time, because when it's the fountain of living water, small sips make all the difference. Sometimes it'll be just you and me, sometimes we'll have a friend join us. If we could have lunch together today, this is what I'd want to talk about. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, and welcome back to the podcast. Wow, this episode is one that is going to be super special to me personally and, I know, to our guests as well.
Speaker 1:The interesting thing is Elise Elise Adams is with us today and, elise I know I told you this when we met and talked recently, but you're one of the reasons I started this podcast because there was a season of your life Wow, we're getting straight to the crying A season of your life where I couldn't say anything to you. And I didn't want to say anything to you because I felt like I wasn't supposed to, just to keep loving you with where you were. But I actually hoped that some of the things that we talked about on this podcast that you would happen to click and listen and that it would impact your life, because I didn't want to offend you in your process and in your journey. Wow, here we are, starting right at the very beginning. Why don't you start us actually with what you just said to me, where you said to the Lord if I'm not supposed to do this podcast, when I was on the way here I said okay, jesus, if I'm not supposed to go talk on this podcast, please just make my tire light.
Speaker 2:Come on something. We don't have to like get in an accident or anything but, just make the tire light come on and I'll turn this thing around and go back home. I just feel like if the Lord gets like bored or stressed or something. He just like I'm just going to flip over here to the Elise channel and just say oh, she's saying Jesus, if you don't want me to go do this, make my tire light.
Speaker 1:Come on, someone make a note. Don't Nobody hit the tire light, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, it didn't come on, so here we are, and I'm so excited.
Speaker 1:I mean the very podcast that I actually was thinking of you when I decided to do it. You're here on it, crazy.
Speaker 1:What a dream I have shed so many tears about this since I heard your story and I'm just so excited to hear a story of redemption. I think, at least, that your story is for people who have lost hope or people who think that there's no solution or way out for someone, that they're stuck in where they are, and I just can't wait for you to share it with us. We're going to have a real conversation here because we are old friends. We became friends. How old were you? We realized the other day.
Speaker 2:When originally, when you like taught me in Sunday school or the second oh my gosh Not to throw you under the bus. Why do you have to say that?
Speaker 1:out loud when. What Sunday school class was that you were in high?
Speaker 2:school. No I was in middle school.
Speaker 1:I just came for a few visits.
Speaker 2:But, then we reconnected in 2017, when I started working at BCA, yep and we got to work together and that was so much fun, the best, it was, so fun it was so fun, and so I was.
Speaker 1:it was during that season. That is going to be the first part of your story that you're going to share. I was there for that first part of it, but then not for the second part of it in terms of working together on a daily basis. But why don't we just go ahead and get started? I love, love, love your testimony and let's just hear about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I always grew up in church. My parents always took us to church. We were there, we you know. I got saved at a young age. We grew up in a small Southern Baptist church. I got saved one day because the we grew up in a small Southern Baptist church. I got saved one day because the preacher talked about heaven and hell and I did not want to go to hell.
Speaker 2:So I was like smart girl from the beginning Got saved, and I mean all through elementary school, middle school, high school, college. I went to church. I had my own kind of faith. In college, I went to Athens church was really big in there, like volunteered, all that stuff, but it was just a very surface level relationship.
Speaker 2:Then, when I got married in 2016, at the beginning of 2018, my husband and I started trying to have a family, as you know, and it didn't happen for a long time. We went through years of infertility, we struggled a lot but honestly, it really grew our faith. It grew us closer to each other. It helped our marriage heal in many ways. I mean it's just crazy looking back now thinking I wouldn't change anything about the situation, but then, when you're going through infertility and IVF multiple times, I wasn't thinking that in the moment. It was hard. There were days where I just honestly didn't know if I was ever going to be a mom, and that was what I have always wanted. That's what I thought I was put on this earth to do was to have a family and be a mom, and so just thinking that I didn't know if it was going to happen was really hard.
Speaker 1:We've talked to and we're going to talk several times throughout our time together today about kind of a gift for people, as they have friends who are going through things. You know this for example, I had four children in five years and fertility I was, fertility was my issue, not infertility, and there I had a dear friend who was going through infertility and I think that sometimes we don't know what to say. We talked about this and, in the attempt to fill the empty space and not feel awkward, we kind of say stupid things sometimes, like we say things that we think are helpful but because we don't know that context, it's not our experience, they're actually hurtful and I wondered if you'd be willing to give us a gift. I'm not someone who struggled with infertility, so I could easily have said things that I thought were helpful and they're actually hurtful. Would you gift us with? Here are the things, ladies and gentlemen, to not say to someone struggling with infertility.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we got a lot. The most common ones were why don't you just adopt? Okay, let's break that one, let's take that one.
Speaker 1:Like I would think that would be a helpful suggestion. What would happen in your heart, and maybe Michael's heart, when someone said why don't you adopt, Would you? I mean, I know this is a big ask to- be this transparent but.
Speaker 2:I think at some point I would have been okay with that and I think that adoption is something that people are called to and in that moment I wanted to carry and I wanted to have a baby. That was mine and my husband's DNA together. We had been through so much throughout the process already and we just wanted that and so thinking that that might not ever happen. When people said, why don't you just adopt? It wasn't that we don't ever want to adopt and actually our last embryo is the one that came. That's our little William.
Speaker 2:He was the worst case scenario. So the doctors would say and he's the only one that worked, and he's our little miracle. And if he didn't, I mean we had talked about that. We were open to it. It's not that we were against it, but when people just offered it as a flippant solution, it just didn't feel good, yes, that's so helpful.
Speaker 1:And even, yeah, maybe someone like me that had a whole you know passel of kids would say why don't you just adopt, like, I think what you're, what this is encouraging me to consider is, before I speak, to, like, look and consider the position, the perspective of the other person that I'm talking to. You know, we've, I've experienced this and if you've ever, if you're a dear friend of mine and you've done something like this, don't feel badly. But you know, the last 10 years of my kiddos' lives, I was single mom with them and there were a lot of them, as we mentioned, and they're wonderful and I love them, but it was a lot and I would have a friend say something like oh my gosh, my husband's going to be gone for three days, and I would just be quiet, you know, and it would never register who they were saying it to. Now, in my wounded, uh, still operating in a lot of brokenness days, I would have gone home and cried because it was a, it was a, it was a lot, it was a crushing time and it was just like those unconscious reminders of my own pain.
Speaker 1:Now I just chuckle, you know, and the way I have friends do that well and be able to still be my friend is they'll say things like oh my gosh, my husband was just gone for four days, martha. I have no idea how you did this or how you do this. It just makes me think of you, you know. And that allows them to share something about what happened in their life the last week, but also acknowledge that they're not only thinking of themselves, right, they're also thinking of me. What are some things that people could say or how could they react to someone struggling with infertility?
Speaker 2:that would be helpful. Yeah, I think sometimes and we'll get to this more with the second part but sometimes just realizing that you don't have to say anything, you don't have to offer up a solution because I've tried everything. I've done all the research when I'm in the thick of it and I can't have a baby. I've looked up every single thing. I'm not eating gluten. I'm doing what I need to do with my husband as many times as I can.
Speaker 1:I'm doing all the things I don't need your suggestions.
Speaker 2:As kind as you are trying to be, just an, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine. I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now.
Speaker 1:You couldn't, you couldn't imagine what I was going through.
Speaker 2:But you were there. You sent encouraging text. Also, whenever you know someone's struggling with that and then you tell them about your friend who was also struggling with it and now they have seven kids also doesn't help, right.
Speaker 1:Because you're not necessarily going to get that answer. Or I think even sometimes, as believers, we want to promise you things on God's behalf that may not be the solution for you. Like God's going to come through, you're going to have a baby, like you know. Yes, god's going to come through, but God coming through may be comforting your heart and drawing you closer to him and building your character in the process of not ever having your own baby. I cannot answer that, but at least it's so uncomfortable to just let the space, the empty space, hang. We just want to fill it. Or we feel like you said. I think oftentimes it's great intentions that we want to. Oh, let me give her a possible solution. If you thought of this, if you thought of this, and when you are living in the throes, of it just that I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry. I love you. I wish you didn't have to experience this. I can't imagine. I'm praying for you. I've even said to people at times I have no words for this Right.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's a huge one. I love you.
Speaker 1:That's all I can say, but I will say y'all, it takes practice because we want to fill those spaces.
Speaker 2:So bad, it is awkward but I promise it's better.
Speaker 1:Well, and the point is not to make me feel better, it's to make you feel better if you're the one in the situation. So I'm willing to learn how to experience that awkwardness and in the effort to figure out how to bless you and not make things more hurtful. And I will say now that I've practiced this for a long time, it feels wonderful to just say I'm sorry and let it be quiet, and oftentimes it'll connect with that person in a way that no one else has. Tears will come, you'll get a hug in, and just that quiet moment together is something you can tell. They haven't gotten it very much Right. It's a relief. So thank you for sharing.
Speaker 2:Yes, of course, Hopefully it's helpful, yeah, but so after we got our little miracle baby which a quote that I do want to say, that Michael and I, my husband, always came back to, I mean, when I tell you that this was the first time that we kind of had our own faith, I mean like we are in the thick of it and we're choosing to still praise worship, say, okay, Jesus, like we have hope, whatever that looks like, whatever you're going to do, we have hope. And there was a quote that we always came back to that said I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience, until we are able to honestly pray what he taught His disciples to pray thy will be done. And so that is what we were praying. And that's hard to get to that point to say, if this isn't your will, I'm okay with that, but let your will be done.
Speaker 1:And it's such a crazy deep trust because you're trusting that what I feel like I need so desperately. I'm trusting that what you say I need is what is real and true. It's not what I say, even though it's so painful.
Speaker 2:Yes, so we were both. I mean, we were in such a good place. And then, of course, thank God, our story turned out that we got our miracle baby. We got our little William and we were just living large. I mean, we had a newborn. We were so happy we were. I had stopped working, I was staying home with him, what I always wanted to do.
Speaker 2:I was missing you at that point, by the way, I know, but COVID had happened, so nobody was at school anyways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was staying home with him, my husband was working from home because of COVID I mean of COVID, I mean, it was just like the sweetest time. And then it wasn't. So my dad, who I love dearly, who had three girls, was so excited for his grandson. He was pumped. He was going to take him fishing, he was going to do all the cars show him all of his hobbies. He was just so pumped to finally have a boy in the family.
Speaker 2:And he got sick. We didn't know what was happening. He got really sick out of nowhere. And so we, when we were very open with our infertility journey on social media and just with people in general, we felt the prayers that came from that. I mean, we had people praying for us throughout that journey that we didn't even know. It was just like you had shared, and then some people you knew were praying for us, and that happened a hundred times over, people that we didn't even know. So when my dad got sick, I was like, well, I'm just going to do what I feel like I need to do and just ask for prayers.
Speaker 1:It worked it worked.
Speaker 2:Let's just ask for prayers, let's ask for healing, let's do it. And so we did and we put it out there and that was scary. We found out he had stage four liver cancer, which was crazy because my dad wasn't a drinker, he wasn't he, it was just a freak thing. He had liver cancer and it was stage four and we didn't really know a lot, but we just knew that he wasn't the same and he was, I mean.
Speaker 1:Wow, it was. It was so advanced by the time you found out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was nothing they could do. There was no point in going on chemo. There was no way he was getting a liver transplant. There was nothing. It was either he's going to die or Jesus is going to heal him.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness, those were our options and we fully believed my dad, fully believed he was going to be healed. He believed it. He told us that. He said I'm not worried about this and I mean, maybe he was just being the strong dad that he always was growing up, putting that out there for his three daughters and his new grandson. I don't know, but I will just tell you it was a horrible two weeks. It was two weeks.
Speaker 2:It was two weeks, two weeks from when we found out that he had stage four liver cancer until he passed, good grief. Yeah, so he had been sick for about maybe two months before, but we didn't know what it was. It was just going in and getting tests done and misdiagnosis really, or diagnosing him with something, but it wasn't clearing anything up. And so once we got the diagnosis of finally you have stage four liver cancer yeah, it was two and a half weeks from that point until he passed and it was awful. It was horrible, horrible, as you can imagine. Your mom came and prayed for healing over him. Many people came and prayed for healing over him. Many people came and prayed. And I mean Joel, we had a moment in my parents' bedroom One day. It just completely changed. He couldn't get out of bed, he couldn't walk, he couldn't like communicate and we were supposed to have like a whole prayer that night at my parents' house of all these people coming to pray over him and just worship, because that's all we knew to do in that moment. And Joel came and he and your mom just sang worship over my dad and your mom prayed over him and we prayed for healing and I remember telling your mom like I'm scared it's not going to happen. Like what do I do if it doesn't happen? I'm scared it's not going to happen. Like what do I do if it doesn't happen? Like I don't know. And unfortunately it didn't happen and what I did was I took off running no-transcript, I think.
Speaker 2:Right when my dad passed, we all got to be there and we all got to hold his hands, which is something now that I can look back on and be thankful for that. We were all together in the house that I was like so mad, so angry, just not understanding. He was a good guy, he was a good man, he was a good dad, he was a good husband, he was a good human being, he was good for society. Like, why did you let this happen? Why did you not heal him? We have a grandson. Like he has a grandson. He has three daughters, a 10-year-old daughter.
Speaker 2:Why did you let this happen? Why did you not? You could have just literally stepped in and we would have used that story to bring people to you. If you had healed him, we would have, like people would have come to know you because of that. So why did you not? And I just didn't want anything to do with it. I did not, I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to sing worship songs and I'm not talking about this goes on for a year. I mean. My dad has been gone for three and a half years now, and it was years. I mean plus COVID too. I mean I don't think our family was in a church building for over five years.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, that's not normal for you.
Speaker 2:No, especially not growing up in the church and just yeah, all of that, I didn't want any part of it. I couldn't sing a worship song. I didn't want to sing a song about the goodness of God. I didn't want to sing that he wasn't being good, he wasn't good to me. I didn't want to sing a song about Him healing cancer, because he didn't do that for me. He didn't do that for my dad and he could have. That was what I was struggling with was you could have done that and you didn't. And my dad said you were going to. He said you were going to heal him and you didn't. And I'm mad. Yeah, so I was not happy with God, I wasn't happy with others. This is again when people try to console.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's have this conversation again with this iteration. I think it's such a gift, elise, and you know we talked about this as we were working through what we were going to say on this podcast. Like you know, two years ago, if we'd had this conversation, it would have been kind of an ugly one, yep, because you were unprocessed, right, you're still in the middle of it, but now, which I'm you know, you'll hear in a second what happened, what the Lord's done, how she has arrived where she is now, but now you can just share it with. Oh, here's what let me give you this gift Things not to say to people while they're in the midst of tragedy, and maybe also some things to say, or what things to do. So what are? Yes, just be honest with us. What should we not say?
Speaker 2:to people in tragedy. One of the main things that we got was well, at least he's in heaven. Now he's with Jesus.
Speaker 1:Okay, he's with Jesus which is true, it is true, but I wanted him to be here with me. Okay, he's with Jesus which is true, it is true, but I wanted him to be here with me, right? I had a lot more life. I'm going to punch you in the throat, right, right, right.
Speaker 2:He was 55 years old.
Speaker 1:He was not supposed to go yet in my head, you know.
Speaker 2:Right. Another one was he's not hurting anymore. Yeah, he's not hurting, but again, again. If Jesus would have just healed him, he wouldn't be hurting. Something crazy happened during all of this. My husband and I actually found out we were pregnant with our second child without any medical intervention, which was insane. We had no idea that that was even possible. So we were also wrestling with that Like okay, god, like what the heck is going on here, like I'm not, I'm processing this, I'm mad at you, and now you're giving us this gift.
Speaker 1:like what is going on? Don't give me a gift right now. I'm mad at you. I don't want to be. I mean, wait, I do want this gift, but I don't want to be thankful to you for it.
Speaker 2:Wow so then when people found out we were pregnant, their response would always be isn't God so faithful, isn't he so good? And I would be like are you joking? Did you not just see what he didn't do for me? He is not faithful, he is not good. That is what I said in my head and I think I even said to someone like no, nope, I don't see it. I truly don't see it. I know I was so far where I didn't even see it as a gift. Then I just saw it as like okay great we have.
Speaker 2:We're having a baby, yeah, but whatever, yeah, so maybe don't say those things. I don't know, yeah, um again, I think it all comes from good intentions and good places, but when someone has just experienced such a huge tragedy I mean losing a parent is like wow, I never thought. I just never even thought about it.
Speaker 2:Especially early, yeah, and just so fast, early, yeah, and just so fast, like not even being able to process, which now, looking back again, I can see as a gift, because it was just like he wasn't in pain for so long. It was just quick and he was with Jesus, like people said, but in that moment I didn't see it like that I saw it as I want him here with me, I don't want him in heaven.
Speaker 2:He should be here. And so I think people saying those things of well, it'll work out, it'll all work out, or it's all a part of God's good plan, and I would be like, how is this good? What part of this?
Speaker 1:is good.
Speaker 2:And I think one of the things that was so much harder for me which death is just hard in general, but with infertility there was always hope. There was always hope in something. There was hope that we had another embryo. There was hope that something would happen and we would be able to have a baby. Or there was hope that if it didn't happen, eventually we would go down the adoption route, hopefully, Like there was just so much hope. Still, Even though it was soul-crushing and hard and sad, there was always hope. When my dad died, it was just so final. There was no hope he wasn't coming back, it was over. It was over, Like done. And I think that is where I struggled so much. I hadn't, I had no hope in anything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so maybe again here just to be willing to say I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't understand why either, but I love you and I'm praying for you. Yeah, like that's it, and that that I would be willing to live with the awkwardness and the silence. Praying for you, yeah, like that's it, and that that I would be willing to live with the awkwardness and the silence so that you would be um more blessed. Instead of me trying to make it okay, make it right, figure out how to make you feel better, because I feel uncomfy in the situation.
Speaker 1:Um and and also I think sometimes there are times that we it's not even that we feel uncomfortable, but that we do think that we're sincerely being helpful. So this is just a real kindness, just to like you don't know what that person is processing, and just to love and say you're sorry too, and also you, like you said, you don't have to say things.
Speaker 2:I know for so long you were praying for me. I know you were. I know I have other friends that were constantly just praying for me. I know that there were people there letting me borrow their faith because I truly had none at all. There was a friend in my neighborhood who consistently was inviting us to church even though she knew I wasn't going to come. She knew I wasn't interested. There was a friend in my neighborhood who consistently was inviting us to church even though she knew I wasn't going to come. She knew I wasn't interested, but she never closed that door on me. Even though she knew I had the door closed, she didn't close it on me. And I think sometimes you don't always have to tell the person hey, I'm praying for you, hey, what like it's? Again, like you said, it's not about making you feel better, Just sitting in the awkwardness and loving them and being okay with that Right.
Speaker 1:Think about Job sitting in the pile of ashes and just sitting down next to you and just being willing to just be there in the pain and be uncomfortable with the awkwardness of it. That's what it means to be a friend sometimes, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because we sure know his friends did not Right.
Speaker 1:He needed somebody to just sit down, just stop talking, just sit down and cry with you for a little bit. Yes.
Speaker 2:And that, like you said, will open up the door for so much more. I would be so much more inclined, as a person who's going through that in the hard times, to open up to you. I mean, we've cried over queso at a Mexican restaurant before because you solely said I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it feels like, and that, to me, opens up the door for me to feel safe and comfortable.
Speaker 1:So good, not you coming in with all of these because you haven't lost a parent, you don't know, and you're coming from a good place, but it's just, you don't know, that's so good, I mean such a gift, and I think that we kind of dance around these conversations, you know, in our culture, but just to lay it all out, like to say what is helpful, what is not helpful, so that we can start practicing that for our loved ones who are going through hard things.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So good, very hard things. Okay, so good, very hard things.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So here we are. So you've gotten really hardening your heart to God. Pick us up from there.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So years went on. I was not interested in God. Like I said, I was not interested in anything. I kind of just was at the point where I was like you know what, no love lost. Honestly, my life is okay. I have these two beautiful children. I'm not, I'm good Like it will do nothing for me to go back to that. I'm okay without it. Well, then we get pregnant again.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you. So all three were born in how many years? Three under three, three under three you went from having an infertility problem to having a fertility problem. It's just so crazy. At my house, all the time, all the time, two boys and a girl and the girl is in charge, and the baby, and she's the baby, she's the baby, she's in charge.
Speaker 2:She's a baby, she's in charge. But there were things that started making me, I guess, be more open to okay. Like I always grew up in the church, I want my kids to know Jesus. I want my kids to have that. I don't necessarily know if I need it, but I want my kids to have that. I want them to be able to go to church, learn about Jesus, all the things you know.
Speaker 1:I do. That was actually me, literally post-divorce was I'm really in a bad place with God right now. But I want my kids in this community and I want them to know I don't want to be the one that cuts my kids off from knowing God, even though I'm really mad at him right now. Yes, yes, my kids off from knowing God, even though I'm really mad at him right now yes, yes.
Speaker 2:And then I, but I still didn't go to church.
Speaker 1:I was like I want my kids to do this, but it's starting to marinate in you. Yes, it was marinating.
Speaker 2:It was just sitting there for a little bit and we were, you know, reading our Jesus Storybook Bible. We were more open to like talking about it.
Speaker 1:And I should say I, my husband, never he struggled. I was going to say how is Michael handling all of this while you're processing?
Speaker 2:Obviously, was very close to my dad. He was the son of my dad never had. My dad was so happy when we got married. He loved Michael, always thought so highly of him, so he struggled. I mean, that was his father-in-law. We had been together for gosh, I don't know eight or nine, ten years at that point, Maybe longer, I don't know. Math is not my strong suit, so I mean they knew each other well and so obviously it was hard for him. He was sad. He was sad that his wife was going through this Now, just after we had also gone through infertility. My child is six months old. I'm freshly postpartum. He felt so bad for me through all of that. It definitely did take a toll on his relationship too, just because of all of the stuff we had gone through. And then us not being in church, us not waking up and getting in the word in the morning and doing all the things. If you're not doing those things, the enemy will come in, and if you leave space for that, he will come in.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I mean, like it says he's there to steal, kill and destroy and that's what he wants to do. So he definitely was a little bit further than what he would be comfortable with, but he wasn't as far gone as I was. He kept asking me when are you going to be ready to go back? But he was so patient, he was just waiting for me to be like okay, I'm ready.
Speaker 2:He used to play worship at church and sometimes he would go in the closet so I couldn't hear, and he would play his guitar and play some worship music. And I remember one day he was like I play this new song and it's like a new one, and I just heard it and I really like it. Do you want to hear it? And I was like nope, sure don't. I'm so happy for you, but I don't want to hear it. I would rather go do anything else, honestly, anything else. So he, like I said he was not like I was and he had never gotten to that point. Thank the Lord, cause, if there was two of us like that. So just so patient.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so patient and so honestly. Honestly, looking back now, it just is a representation of Christ. I feel like he's been so patient with me through this whole thing and coming back to him as well, and I feel like that's how Michael's been too just so patient and just waiting for me to kind of say like okay, I'm ready. Like he didn't want to push me because I think he knew if he did it would push me even further. The opposite direction. But I always knew when I was ready he'd be there, he'd be ready to go. So good choice, good guy Keep that one.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I also decided I was like, okay, I don't want to like commit to waking up early, and when you're a mom of three under three you don't have any free time.
Speaker 2:So if you want to do anything for yourself, you are going to have to wake up early. So I was like God, I cannot. I'm like we're not that close yet. I can't commit to waking up for quiet time yet. Sorry, but we're just not there.
Speaker 2:So I was like what are some other things that I can do to try to get the wheels turning a little bit? And my friend gave me this book when my dad had passed, called Gentle and Lowly. And my friend gave me this book when my dad had passed, called Gentle and Lowly, and it talks about the heart of Christ for sinners and sufferers. And I was like, okay, this, whatever, I'll just start reading this, I'll just start reading it. And the whole entire book.
Speaker 2:I couldn't put it down. It was just talking about God's character and how he feels towards me and that he loves me and that he's here waiting for me when I'm ready to come back. And it clicked and I was like that's enough, like that's, all I need to do is come back and it'll be okay, like it really will be okay because he loves me. And I think for so long I had just my faith was just based on circumstances. What can you do for me? Like you know, I just had all of these wrong ideas of who God was and I learned about His heart, and His heart for me and His heart for His children.
Speaker 1:And that was new. You didn't grow up with that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:No, I mean yeah, no.
Speaker 1:That was brand new, which I will say. I grew up in a similar tradition and I always think of the scripture, or the concept that the law is our teacher until the spirit, until we catch the spirit of the scripture, that the or the concept that the law is our teacher until the spirit, until we catch the spirit of the thing. So we honor our roots because, yeah, the law taught us, the law was our teacher, but this sounds like this was the place where you caught the spirit of what of who god is and of what was behind all I learned that he was gentle and lowly, exactly like the book said.
Speaker 2:I learned that he is just and merciful, but the mercy and the grace come second nature. He has to work to be just. He loves me so much and I just learned that and I was like okay, we're getting somewhere, like we're opening the door, we're getting somewhere because I don't have to do anything. Is what you're telling me? Like you love me so much that all I have to do is just come back and say, okay, here.
Speaker 1:I am Well, and the truth is, you know that starting place for your view of God, that changes the perspective and the lens through which you see everything all the circumstances, the things he does or doesn't do, the things he answers or the way he answers. If your come from is, he loves me so much, you see things completely differently than your come from is. He is a judgmental and angry God and I've done, I've been a good girl, so that he'll give me everything he has to give me because I've been good. Wow, what a completely different lens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so your lens has changed yeah.
Speaker 2:So my lens started to shift and then little things just kept happening that were making like a little click in my brain, I guess. So I had started already, you know, thinking, okay, we can come back, we can do this, like this is okay. And then I remember I was shopping with one of my friends and there was like a little Christian kids book and I was like, oh my gosh, this is so cute. Like should I get this to put it was either Christmas or Easter, I'm not sure. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is so cute, like should I get this to put it was either Christmas or Easter, I'm not sure. And I was like I'll just throw this in with their stuff. And my friend looked at me and she was like, but you would be okay reading that to them. And that was like a shot to the heart because I was like that was her perception of you.
Speaker 2:Is that you're not a Christian mom, you're not teaching your kids about God, and I wasn't, but I just was like when someone else said that to me, I was like oh my gosh what is happening.
Speaker 1:What have I become? Yeah, and.
Speaker 2:I said at first. At first I kind of got not mad, but I was just like why would you say that? And then I was like well, I truly am not bearing any fruit that would make her think that I'm a Christian or that I'm, you know, walking with God on a daily basis. She didn't mean anything by that.
Speaker 1:She was just like shocked. She was like okay, whatever.
Speaker 2:So that happened like kind of made me start thinking. And then the one thing that really got me was one of my friends. You know, we hadn't been in church for a long time, gosh, probably. We had maybe gone to church three times since. When did COVID happen? February of 2020.
Speaker 1:And we're in 2025 now.
Speaker 2:So we had gone to church a total of three times.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and before that you had to stay isolated because of fertility treatments right. Yes, so it was how much longer before that, oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So really, since like probably December of 2019. Yeah, so not been in church for a long time Again, thinking it wouldn't really help me to go. I'm not missing anything. Sometimes we catch it online, sometimes we don't. It's whatever.
Speaker 1:I don't want to go and put three kids in the childcare, all of this Fair, you know, that's fair, actually Three little kids.
Speaker 2:I'm like I'm doing you a favor. Okay, you will thank me later, I'm just kidding. But so all of these reasons of why we didn't go, you know, and we were all together with some of our neighborhood friends and one of my friends said um, it was like one of the holidays, I can't remember, but it's one of the holidays where everyone goes. You know, easter, mother's day, father, like whatever one of those where everyone goes to church even the people that don't go to church go to church, you know they show up, which we did not do over the last six years we were like you know, you weren't even christian.
Speaker 2:Christians like no, we don't want to go with all the sickness, all the sick people, and be around everybody.
Speaker 1:We're just going to stay at home.
Speaker 2:Little peasants.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know yeah, so she said are you not going to go to church tomorrow? And I looked at her and I was like why would I go to church tomorrow? I don't ever go to church and I don't ever go to church. And then I was like why would you go to church? You don't go to church? And then she was like you're right. So her family, two kids, they didn't go to church. And I woke up in the morning and I told my husband I was like that was so gross. Wow, now I'm not only running away from God, and so far away I'm turning, I'm making other people feel okay, not having a relationship. I'm making other people think they're not missing out on anything.
Speaker 1:Wow, you're a reverse evangelist.
Speaker 2:Like, who do? I think I am Wow. And in that moment I was like I'm not doing this, I am not doing this. And that is when I decided, okay, god, what do you want? What do you want from me? What do you want this relationship to be? And that is when I started reading the Bible.
Speaker 2:Getting back into the word, I mean, it was just like a complete 180. And it was like it took a minute for me to realize, like, the beauty and the sweetness of God. So it wasn't like the next day I woke up and I was like, all right, we're great. But I woke up and I was like, okay, I'm going to shift how I look at this. Like I need you. I can't do this without you. I am nothing without you. Yeah, like, and he has been so sweet, he's been so kind, he was there just waiting for me to come back.
Speaker 2:And I mean I look back at things with infertility and I think, like I said in the beginning, we have our little William and then we had two miracles after that. Like that was totally him. Looking back now, I'm like those were gifts from him, and especially for him to give me one of those gifts during the hardest time of my entire life and now I can look back and say thank you, jesus, like thank you. You didn't heal my dad, but you healed my infertility and you gave me a child. It doesn't make it better. I still wish my dad was here, but thank you for the gift that you gave me. Thank you for seeing how broken my heart was and loving me and giving me this gift. And now he's two and a half years old. So it's taken me this long to be like you're. Such a gift, such a gift, such a crazy, feral little gift.
Speaker 1:That second one, man, that second one, well, and I think, like you know, you mentioned like changing the way you are coming to God. And when you, when your come from, is that okay? He is a loving God. He loves me so much. Then you sink into this trust that, even if you don't understand things like why didn't you heal my dad you make a decision that you're going to trust in His goodness.
Speaker 1:You're going to trust who he says he is, not who the circumstance says and I was talking to some friends recently a couple friends actually that don't walk with God and have left faith, and this is one of their big questions with God is how can you not just snap your fingers and heal everything?
Speaker 1:But their perspective is an angry, judgmental God, and so they have no lens to see the gifts of God, they have no lens to see Him as a loving God.
Speaker 1:And one of the things I said to them it was a great conversation, it wasn't like an angry conversation, it wasn't a really good, honest conversation was you know, if there is a God and he is big enough to have created all of this, what are the chances that we do understand everything he does, right?
Speaker 1:So now we have to make a condition of trusting Him that we understand everything about life, the earth, the planet, what he does or doesn't do, and not that it's not painful and that it's not so much brokenness and man, you know, I sure would love it if he would snap his fingers and heal everything and make it whole, which is the promise of heaven, but for now he's been really clear that that's not going to be what it's like right now. He's not switching the game on us, he told us really clearly that we were going to have heartbreak and trouble. The promise wasn't that he would fix it all. The promise he made, which I'm hearing you say he's kept every time, is that he would never leave us in the process of living through a broken planet.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's so true. And when you can finally get on the other side. You know, I said there was no hope with my dad. It was final. The hope is that I will be with him again in heaven. That's what the hope is. But when you're in that, you're not thinking about that, you're just thinking it's so final, it's so, it's ended. There's just nothing else. But I'm so glad that that's not it. I'm so glad that this isn't what it's all about. I'm so glad that I'll be with him again.
Speaker 2:And, like just this week I went over to my mom's house and she's having a bunch of like contracting work done. And the contractor there knew my dad. I've known him since I was probably three, like just a longtime family friend. And he said I haven't seen him in years and he keeps up with us on social media. And he said I just can't believe he's not here. And I said yeah, I mean me too, like I wish he was. He would be getting a kick out of my kids. I'll tell you that. And he said something. And he said you know, there's just some things that we go through that we won't know until we get to heaven. And he said but when we get to heaven, we won't care, and I'm just like you know. That's so true and it's so hard when you're. If he would have told me that two years ago, three years ago, I would have been like dude.
Speaker 1:Well, and plus immediately after it happened, Elise, it's really like you've been in an emotional car accident.
Speaker 2:Yes, like you're a trauma victim.
Speaker 1:So you're not going to be. You're going to be feeling the pain of the here and now. It's going to be difficult to think of anything else when you're in so much pain.
Speaker 2:And I'm not here to say that it's all going to be butterflies and rainbows now that I am back with this relationship. There's still going to be days where I'm on the floor crying because I wish he was here, I wish I didn't have to go through a miscarriage to get my son. I wish all of these things, you know.
Speaker 1:But but he'll be on the floor crying with you now.
Speaker 2:You won't be alone now Exactly, and I do think back sometimes and want to kick myself because I mean I think I had to go. I don't know, maybe I had to go through it this way to get on this side of it. But gosh, sometimes I think it would have been so much sweeter, it would have been so much easier if I would have let him come in with me from the beginning. He could have shared that burden with me. He would have been there, you know, to help me. It would have been so much better.
Speaker 1:But well, I'm not going to say, oh, at least your painful story is now maybe going to change someone else's story, because that would be one of those inappropriate. I don't know statements that I would make to make you feel better. I don't know statements that I would make to make you feel better, but what I am going to say is, now that you've been willing to transparently share your whole journey, you've said things out loud today that I think are common to everyone, and very few people say them out loud. So we think we're the only ones, and when we think we're the only ones, that's where the enemy comes in.
Speaker 1:And we start believing that we're not going to make it. Something is really wrong with us. When the truth is, these are normal responses. This is the human journey. Elise made it. Revelation 19.10 says the testimony of Jesus, which is what he did in your life, is the spirit of prophecy that he wants to do in everyone else's life again and again.
Speaker 1:Now we can say that he wants to draw every heart to himself because, he said that in the scripture, and you you know the other scripture that says I really should get my references down. My mom, she's got every reference in her brain. But that scripture that says the enemy is overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, and that we didn't love our lives unto the death, that they didn't love their lives unto the death. That's the decision that you made. You made the decision, though you slay me, yet I trust you. When you said, though my dad died, yet I'll trust you. Even if I don't have a baby, then I'll trust you. I don't know what's coming in the future, but the one decision I've made is I'm going to trust in who you say you are, not who my circumstances say that you are, because you're the one that's trustworthy and I don't have to get all of it. I don't have to have all the answers, and thank goodness I don't. Oh, my gosh again. Could we bear God-sized knowledge, right? Thank goodness.
Speaker 1:Just enough for us. Yeah, and that knowledge that he loves us so much. Well, I cannot imagine who is listening to this that has had a similar struggle or journey, but just your testimony that he's just waiting right there. All you got to do. You don't have to do anything. All you got to do is come back and the healing starts. Wow, anything else. You want to say last words? As we keep, we just we've been crying off and on. One will start talking and the other one of us backs up and cries a minute.
Speaker 2:No, I'm so thankful for you while I was walking through all of this. You know there have been people that were there. I mean just the borrowed faith. I'm so thankful.
Speaker 1:I can't tell you. When you saw the post on social media that we were doing this series life wasn't supposed to be like this and you reached out and said, hey, we got to talk, and I was like, okay, you know, I'm like where is she in her journey? If she's mad, I'm just going to sit and listen again, because it's what we do as friends, and to sit in that restaurant and just cry.
Speaker 2:For three hours. Michael was like are you okay?
Speaker 1:I'm like.
Speaker 2:Michael, I got to get the whole story. I got to get that.
Speaker 1:I just was just overwhelmed. It's like a sister has come back. I'm just so grateful, Elise, and to see you at the church parking lot hollering out the window at me. I'm just like she's back, she's back, have those three babies come in to overwhelm the church Childcare.
Speaker 2:What a gift, what a gift.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I just feel like we should pray for anyone that's experiencing this. Do you want to do that, or do you want me to do that? Why don't you do it, okay? Okay, god, I thank you for at least transparency and her willingness.
Speaker 1:And we just do declare, like your word says, that the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy and that anyone who's listening to this podcast that their hearts have been hardened to who they perceive you to be because it's been distorted by pain, loss or disappointment in this life or by the plan of the enemy.
Speaker 1:We just say, in Jesus' name, we say we break that power and, lord, that you would soften hearts of stone, that you would open blind eyes and that you would remove the blocks from any deaf ears so that people will see and hear you for who you are, that those wrong filters, those broken filters and misperceptions, lord, that they'll be aligned with who you truly are and that the folks listening to this story, lord that their hearts will be drawn to you. Lord, you say you turn the heart of the King as rivers of water. We ask that you turn hearts back to you with the testimony of what you've done in Elisa's life. All she really did was say, yes, all we do is surrender. She said that so beautifully, and so we just thank you, god, for this testimony and for all that you have for all of us in Jesus' name, amen, amen, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you.
Speaker 1:All right, you guys. I hope it's been an encouraging time and we will see you next time. Hey you guys, thanks for hanging out with us today. I hope you got some refreshment from this Sip from the Fountain. If you're curious to hear more or if you like what you've heard, you can go ahead and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen to yours or follow our Instagram account, sips from the Fountain or our Facebook page by the same name. Special thanks for Cover Art Photography to the Sarah D Harper, and I can't wait to hang out with you guys next time. Thanks so much. Love y'all Bye. Thank you.