Stacked Keys Podcast
The idea to talk to women who are out there living and making a difference is where the Stacked Keys Podcast was born. There are women who make a difference, but never make a wave while paddling through life. Immediately I can think of a dozen or more who impacted me, but I want more. I want to talk to those I don't know and I want to share with an audience that might need the inspiration to find their own beat. This podcast is to feature women who are impressive in the work world-- or in raising a family -- or who have hobbies that can make us all be encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate and get up in the morning or what they wish they had known earlier in life? Grab your keys and STOMP to your own drum.
Stacked Keys Podcast
Episode 206 -- Kayla Wenth -- Transformative Parenting: Emotional Intelligence and Leadership in Education
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Ever wondered how being a parent could transform a professional career? Join us as we sit down with Kayla Wenth, a passionate professor in human development and family science, who shares her unique journey from a desire to understand families to a fulfilling academic career. Kayla's insights reveal how motherhood has enriched her teaching, offering deeper connections with students and fresh perspectives on child development. Her story is a testament to the power of personal experiences in shaping professional paths, and how these experiences drive her passion for teaching young adults during their pivotal college years.
Emotional intelligence takes center stage as we explore its role in education and leadership with Kayla. We discuss the importance of creating environments where emotion and logic are balanced, crafting spaces where students feel safe and engaged. Through heartfelt discussions, Kayla emphasizes the need for assertive yet caring leadership to foster inclusivity and effective contributions in the classroom. This chapter unlocks the transformative potential of emotions in education, encouraging listeners to embrace them as strengths rather than vulnerabilities.
Our conversation wraps up with a reflection on personal growth and the importance of nurturing strong relationships. Kayla shares her experiences balancing work and family, the joys and challenges of creating a new course, and her journey towards understanding her own introversion. Her stories of strong relational bonds underscore the necessity of support systems in human development. With personal anecdotes about memory-making and the benefits of early mental health counseling, this episode offers a rich narrative on the beauty of life's unpredictability and the fulfillment found in embracing individuality and dreams.
Music "STOMP" used by permission of artist Donica Knight Holdman and Jim Huff
Discovering Passion
Speaker 1I'm walking all alone down my yellow brick road and I stomp to the beat of my own drum. I got my pockets full of dreams and they're busting at the seams going boom, boom, boom.
Speaker 2Welcome to Stacked Keys Podcast. I'm your host, amy Stackhouse. This is a podcast to feature women who are impressive in the work world or in raising a family, or who have hobbies that make us all feel encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate to get up in the morning, or what maybe they wish they'd known a little bit earlier in their lives.
Speaker 1Grab your keys and stomp to my own drum. Whatever you do, it ain't nothing on me, cause I'm doing my thing and I hold the key to all my wants and all my dreams Like an old song everything will be all right when I let myself go.
Speaker 3I am excited today I have a guest with me. I am excited today I have a guest with me, kayla Wendt, and I'm really excited to get to talking to you. So welcome, kayla. Thank you for having me. I'm excited about it. Oh well, let's just right out of the gate.
Speaker 4How do people know you professionally and personally? So professionally I am a professor, so I teach undergraduate students in human development and family science, and then personally I am a wife and a mama of a two-year-old. So that kind of consumes my personal right now. That kind of consumes my personal right now.
Speaker 3So with the, the being a mom and having a two year old, does that come into some of your human development classes? Do you see parallels of professional and personal right there?
Speaker 4Absolutely, absolutely it's. I'm hoping that what I teach has made me more prepared for being a mom, but it's. I think being a mom has enriched my teaching way more than I thought it ever would. Just examples I'm able to give, and my passion for child development topics has really increased since becoming a mom, so I expected my professional to really inform how I am as a parent. I did not expect being a parent to really feed into my professional abilities, so that's been really neat to see.
Speaker 3That's interesting and yeah, I mean, it's all a part of who you are and all consuming, so it's great that they complement and kind of work back and forth together. So in your human development profession, what drew you into that line of work, line of study?
Speaker 4It was such a winding road I and when I started college, I wanted to understand people. I wanted to understand families better. I had done some volunteering with young children. After in after-school programs, just doing mentoring, in after school programs, just doing mentoring. And when it came time to choose a major, I found out about human development, family science and thought, well, that sounds exactly like what my interest has been. I don't know what I want to do with it, but those are the things I'm interested in learning. So I went with that. I had a advisor that was pivotal in that I had a good relationship with her and she helped guide me.
Speaker 4And then from there it just twisted and turned from an interest in child life, working with kids in the hospital, and then I was like, well, if I like that, maybe I would like doing grad school in counseling or marriage, family therapy. So I went that way and then, doing that, I realized, oh, my clients I love working with the most are college age. I would really love to have a career where I am working with college students, teaching, talking with them. So I thought, well, I better get a PhD if I'm going to do that. So I just kept winding and ended up here. I've been in this field so human development, family science the whole time, but the goal has just changed a lot and I feel very fortunate to say I love what I do. It has truly been exactly what I would have hoped to do with my life, but never knew that I could do.
Speaker 3Yeah. So what drew you to college students? I mean, that's kind of a vulnerable age and there's so much that can come into play into their decisions and all of that. So what drew you to them? Was it some of your own life experiences?
Speaker 4I think so. I think this is a field where you kind of get that chance to focus and study and talk about the things that are relevant for your stage and I think I was interested in learning more about people who weren't that far off in age from me. But I also like this stage of life the college student, traditional college student age because of how much change and transitions happening there's, so much figuring out yourself that happens in those years and I don't know. I just think there's something special about it and the relationships you form during that time I think are just really neat and impactful. So, yeah, I like it, for all the things that sometimes make it hard.
Speaker 3That's true. I mean that change and that, um, all of the options that are there that can make it really difficult. And then there's the oh I want to do this, or oh, I can do that, and so is there a, a class that you enjoy teaching more than any other.
Speaker 4For me it changes based on what's going on in my life. Um it, I used to love talking about emerging adulthood, which is that college age stage of life, um, and then when I first started teaching, I loved teaching marriage and family. But it makes sense because I was newly married, starting out that stage of life, so I love teaching others about it, digging into the research to help myself and to help them, and I just loved that topic. Right now I'm loving infant and child development, but that's also what I'm seeing and researching for myself at home too. I have a newer interest in trauma-informed care and looking a little bit more attachment between parents and children and when that's not there, what happens with development. So still relevant to what I'm learning about myself and my son as a mom, but it just has kind of shifted over the years depending on what's happening with me.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's interesting, and it's interesting that you can kind of share that too of hey, you can change, and it's not that you're just blowing with the wind of interest. You know it's, it's, it's kind of within a path, but then there's just so much, so many little venues off of that path.
Speaker 4Absolutely.
Speaker 3So the trauma informed care what? What is this?
Speaker 4So I had gone I think it was last May and did a training in trust based relational intervention and came back and got permission to develop a course for our students using a lot of the resources from the training, and so we've been. We've had our first cohort of students come through that class. We've had our first cohort of students come through that class and what I loved about it was the opportunity for so many vulnerable conversations. I think it's an important topic, but just in and of itself. But also I think it's an area that we will have students that want to work with young children and with vulnerable families, that want to work with young children and with vulnerable families, broken relationships but they haven't really dove into their own history and vulnerabilities and their ability to do that hard work.
Speaker 4So I think this class opens up a lot of conversation and reflection for them. That I think is going to make them such better professionals and so much more prepared for that in a way that other classes don't have a chance to dive into.
Speaker 3Yeah, wow, I mean, that's pretty deep and and sometimes do you find that in the, the different subjects that you're studying, that they do make you incredibly vulnerable and maybe sometimes you don't even want to look at something because it's like, okay, I'm not doing that, I'm not applying that in my life. So I feel like I'm, you know, kind of a false teacher here of like I know this is right, but it's not actually hitting in my life at the same time either. So do you find yourself ever in those kinds of conflicts?
Speaker 4Yeah, so I I was actually just a few hours ago teaching on conflict and I was talking to a student about how sometimes you still even teaching for several years now. I think, okay, am I really that perfect at handling conflict that I can teach others how to do that, or there's still that level of, I guess, imposter syndrome? Yeah, and I think it's really important to always be reminding myself, too, that these are things we can talk about and teach on and still not have down perfectly ourselves. Giving realistic standards for ourselves and our families and personal life doesn't make us any less knowledgeable and equipped in our professional area.
Speaker 3Yes, sorry, I had a big call right there. Somebody just asked me for the last four digits on a card and I'm like I gave it to you. So, yeah, I mean that is so true. And do you, in that same vein, our daily actions? Would you say that daily actions are who we actually become? Our daily actions stack up to where we actually. That's who we become.
Speaker 4I think so. I think patterns are important, not as much every single moment as the patterns that we see. And if I can set I'm seeing that as a I still say I'm a new mom I'm not really that new anymore, I guess but if I can be a good mom and do it exactly the way I hope to, as consistently as possible, then I'm okay the times that maybe there's a bad day and we don't have that perfect conversation, that perfect response to a behavior, whatever. So I'm a huge proponent of just having a positive pattern and how strong that can be in influencing the relationship.
Speaker 3Yeah, that can give you some grace. Yes, I mean, everybody's got to have some grace for themselves. Are you a good positive talker to yourself? Do you do good self-talk? Positive talker to yourself.
Speaker 4Do you do good self-talk? I wish I could give you just a very confident yes in that, but I don't know. I think that's one that I probably still work on, and maybe it's just being a newish professional and a newish mom that I'm still kind of building, that I've gotten more aware of. When I'm being hard on myself, I will say that so I can step back and realize, ok, I'm actually doing better than I'm giving myself credit for, or start to point out the things that I have done, that I've done well. But I think, too, I've really been fortunate to be surrounded with some great mentors that helped me do that. When I'm being a little hard on myself I don't think everyone gets that, but I've had meetings before where I'll say, well, I came up short on this or I wasn't quite giving my best there I'm like, well, actually you did this, this and this. You actually are going above and beyond what you hope to do there, and that's been such a blessing for me as having those people surrounding me a lot.
Speaker 3So it's. I actually was going to go down the mentor road, because you mentioned it early in the conversation of having mentors as you were making your plans of what direction. And so how do you find these mentors? How would you tell a young professional to find them, or to your students to find them and the importance of them?
Speaker 4I think that's a really good question. Some of my best mentors have kind of found me and then, once they found me, it was just being smart enough to lean back into them. I think there's plenty of them around. It's just we miss them because we're just not really leaning into the relationships available to us.
Empathy and Leadership in Education
Speaker 4My first mentor was our neighbor that lived behind my family when we were growing up and she later ended up being one of the assistant deans in my college. So she was an advisor and she was just had a special touch for guiding students, really being invested in other people's stories and interest not answering questions for you, but guiding you to answer for yourself. It was not ever overly formal. It was the conversation of of do we, do you want to go for a walk today and talk through it, or do you want to sit here and we can pull out the tissue box and just cry through it and process that way? It might be bringing some little muffins to our meeting so that it was just a little more comfortable and homey. It was just little things that were so comforting and so reassuring, but then also letting you know hey, you've been late to class multiple times and I know you can do better than that. There you go.
Speaker 4Yeah, I think there's a lot of people like that around. It's just we miss them or we don't pay attention to what all we can get from that relationship.
Speaker 3Yeah, a lot of times these days it's slow down, yes, so you don't miss them, and take the time to go for that walk. But there's something interesting there. Do we need to just cry through it? So in your world, tears are not a bad thing?
Speaker 4No, no, no, no, they can't be because I am a I'm an emotional person. If we're talking about ladies, I think that's a common thing. But yeah, I feel things heavily. I'm a deep thinker. But yeah, I feel things heavily, I'm a deep thinker With students that come into fields like human development, family science. They're coming into caring professions. So we feel big, big emotions and I think tears here and there are just part of it. Sometimes, if you don't feel enough to possibly shed a tear, maybe you're just not passionate about it enough in that area, not all the time, but I think in a lot of cases it's just an outward sign of how much you care about it.
Speaker 3Yeah, I go down that road myself. So would you say that you're more a heart or a head thinker?
Speaker 4Oh no, probably heart, probably heart first, but I don't act till it goes through the head. That's pretty good, does that?
Speaker 3make sense. You can utilize both of them.
Speaker 4You can almost hear me doing it with that answer. Yeah, exactly, it takes me a long time to make decisions. I feel strongly about things, but I'm going to check myself and check myself, and check myself and make sure that's what I feel before I go for it.
Speaker 3Yeah, but you're in a profession that sometimes you've got to move pretty quick. This is true, yeah. So you just, with some experience, know it's OK know it's okay.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean in teaching, I think that's the great thing about it is there's a lot of times there's room for processing in the room. So I think it's beneficial to have conversations about why it's this answer and not this one, or why that was a tougher, a really good question, or whatever it is. I think it's good sometimes to be able to break down why it's a tough one to answer right away. Sometimes understanding that thinking process is just as beneficial as the answer. Um, so I would say I try to use that in the room the best I can.
Speaker 3That's interesting and that shows you know you've got to be a participant within the room, yes, you just can't be standing back and just watching and you've got to be very much involved. You've got to be very much involved, yes, and with that comes some, some leadership. So what kind of? What would your definition of a good leader in both those circumstances and just even a general friend circumstance of leadership? What would your definition or description of a good leader be?
Speaker 4I would say someone that can, that is assertive, but not to the deficit of caring.
Speaker 4So by assertive I mean can communicate well and can listen well. So not being able to being afraid to speak up or say what needs to be said or express themselves, express what's needed for themselves or the group, but also caring enough to include others in the conversation. Also caring enough to include others in the conversation. So no one likes to be in a group where there's nobody kind of guiding the way or keeping everyone on task, but at the same time no one feels safe to participate if they don't think they're going to be heard. So I think assertiveness and genuine care for others are both essentials that you can't be without in the classroom. That's, I really try to be an assertive leader in the room, but also use that to empower them to participate. So if they can trust me that I've got this, everything's organized, you know what to expect from me. Here's what I expect from you then my hope is that they feel safe to contribute there because I've got it under control and they know what their job is. Does that make sense?
Understanding Personal Growth and Impact
Speaker 3It does make sense. It's not a classroom I wouldn't mind being in, because that Well, come on, yeah, getting blindsided is always, you know, just an uncomfortable situation, and as a student, you become vulnerable because you know the authorities right there. So how do you balance that in your head? I mean, that could be a pretty big head trip of you're in charge of a lot. Yes, how do you, how do you not let that kind of get to you? Or or do you even think about it?
Speaker 4I, I try not to think about it too much because I'm naturally a very introverted person. When I tell family that well now they all know. But I would first tell them hey, I teach, I'm a professor, I get in front of the room on a daily basis. They were like what you? Because that was never my personality, um, and I do it and I can't even, and I do it and I can't even explain how I do it. But if I think too much about it it still makes me nervous.
Speaker 4That's just not my natural personality, but I think it has made me better in a way that, like you were saying, I see the students in the room who are not comfortable being called out in the room, who are not comfortable being called out, picked on, feeling like the teacher's just being overly dominant in the room. I feel that from them and I think I can tap into it a little bit better in a way that's more comfortable for them but still encourages them to grow and to practice speaking up a little bit more, whether it's getting to meet with them individually or if I notice someone's a little bit off, trying to reach out and see if I can check in with them. Like I said earlier, I try not to call on them for things that are unexpected. I personally like for them to know what to expect and from there show up prepared, but I don't like to throw things at them just to surprise them, because as a student that made me feel really vulnerable and it was hard to learn feeling really vulnerable.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, and in what you're teaching, vulnerability is already a given. Yeah yeah, there's just some things that. But you really can make some life impacting projects or just areas that you study. Things that you kind of unwrap have you can you think of through, think of through your years of teaching, can you think of some times when you've gone, wow, that really went deep for these kids and maybe kind of realized that it's like a life-changing moment, you know.
Speaker 4I don't know if there's one specific thing. I love waiting till the end of the semester and looking at the change in their perspective on each topic, especially if there's like a reflection paper where they're connecting what they're learning to their own personal life or relationships. I've had multiple times where, even if it's just something simple, like a class discussion, and they say, oh well, that just makes so much sense. I can't wait to go and talk to my mom, friend, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, whoever about it. If they're excited to talk about it with somebody else, I count that as a huge win.
Speaker 4I've had students come back to me later down the road with a letter or an invitation to something, and sometimes it's not even what they've learned, but just the connection and trust they formed with me. That feels really impactful to me. If I taught well enough that they felt like they could trust me and that I was impactful to them in whatever way it might be, I count that as a win too. Um, so, yeah, I I don't know if there's any big moment coming up in my head, but all of those little ones can feel like a lot.
Speaker 3Oh yeah, I can see that. I mean, your goal is to kind of grow them gradually to where maybe it, maybe it isn't a poof, but you know just uh uh, the gradual growth, um so did. If you look back on your life, can you see things in your childhood, teen years, um, that kind of play into who you've become today?
Speaker 4Oh goodness, yes, Um, and I mean we could do a whole podcast just on how my childhood family's experiences all kind of fed into how I got to this point, things I've learned from them, but I think the biggest thing really would just be my personality and the way it's helped me to be a better teacher hopefully colleague too, Because, like I said, I think that I D, I think very deeply, I care very deeply. Um, I'm a very, very loyal person. I like things that are consistent. If I'm a friend, a real friend, I'm always your friend. If I am your teacher, I always want to be a teacher or a relationship to you, and I think that has played very well into the role I get to have now. Yeah, and my family experiences for better or for worse have also really fed into why I want to understand this field more. Um, the topics that I'm interested in, the reasons I chose each potential career path we're all very connected to um things I experienced and wanted to understand better.
Speaker 3Yeah. So, as you want to explore, were there things that you just didn't even know existed? And then all of a sudden, you're seeing research and things in your as you're growing that you're like, oh, and then you connect the dots.
Speaker 4So you mean the things that happened in my own family? Yeah, just in your own life. I think I'm always learning something new or a better way to explain, um, my relationships or things that have happened. Um, and I would say, when I was doing the training for this most recent class, I developed, I did, a lot of self-discovery, and not necessarily like big, major or bad things that happened, but just understanding more about my own parents, their experiences, how that shaped what they were able to do for me as a child, and then patterns between that and how I show up in my parenting role now and my marriage with my husband. So I think, more than anything, my awareness is constantly growing for the other people in my life, understanding them better and why people do and say the things they do, and that can be really powerful.
Speaker 3It also can kind of be scary, can it? Where you're like, you want to call them out on it because you know the right term and that's probably not always effective in a communication.
Speaker 4Yeah, yeah, it. Yes. It can be a little bit scary. It can be a little bit um, I don't know maybe too empowering sometimes, cause you're like, hold on a second. I I know more about this than you do or I know a better way of doing this. Um, one thing I learned recently that's been really helpful is just how sometimes you have to stop worrying about if the other person is not going to change. Stop worrying about that and do better for the sake of your own health, even if they're not going to change what they're doing. Doing things because there is still a benefit for you and the people you're in relationship with. And that's something that I've felt can be very powerful for people in helping professions in general and teaching anybody working with people point, helping professions in general and teaching anybody working with people.
Balancing Work and Family Priorities
Speaker 3yeah well, I mean, as you said, that I kind of had that flash of my mother all those years ago saying doesn't matter what somebody else is doing, it's what you're doing, and so your reaction is doesn't matter if they're going to be ugly and stick their tongue out, you can't do that. So it's like you know that it is, it's, it's what you do. You're only responsible for your own actions and reactions, and sometimes we get lost in that these days. Yeah, yeah. So I have a couple of ways I want to go, but I keep this. I just keep coming back to this of how do you develop a course? I mean you want to teach this, and then it's like I want to teach it. Now what? How do you do that?
Speaker 4I am very new to that part of the process. To be honest with you. I think the first step usually should be is there a need and an interest there? In most settings there's already a curriculum laid out and if that's the case, then it's just looking for. Ok, are there extra interest, areas that would be beneficial to students or um? When we were looking at developing more courses, we noticed a trend in topics. They were asking for um in student evaluations and we weren't covering it anywhere. So that's where the idea for um this most recent one came from, and then from there putting together a syllabus, a schedule, assignments and then getting it approved and kind of going from there. But it starts with the need and the interest for it and there was absolutely an interest for this one was absolutely an interest for this one.
Speaker 3Yeah, wow, and is it a little intimidating to know that you created the course, or just not teaching somebody else's it.
Speaker 4Now, this was the first one that I've gotten to do. That was developed by me, um, and it was a lot of fun. I mean, it's more work, I think, but there's a lot of freedom in it and kind of, like you say, it's a lot of responsibility, because you think, okay, this is just a blank slate, where do I go from here? What do I want this to look like? But I personally I felt like that was a lot of fun, having kind of that freedom to just go for it and piece it together exactly the way I was wanting to. Of course, we change things as needed. So the second time I teach I'll adjust a lot of things. Look at student feedback, tweak some assignments, do things to try to make it better. We do that with all of our courses pretty much every year. Look at them, see if there's anything we want to change and make better.
Speaker 3Yeah, that's good. I mean, that's progressive, not just to go nope, we've got it. I used to okay, this is going to sound bad, but I used to kind of think that I never wanted to be in the room where the professor wrote the book. They know what they want you to learn, they have this idea and I'm thinking I don't want that responsibility as a student. So do you ever see that? Does anybody ever flare that way a little bit?
Speaker 4you mean, as like when people have written the book and they're teaching from it the students having you as their instructor, but yet you've written the course.
Speaker 4I don't think I've seen that um, maybe because when I have developed it's been with other, with materials that were already existing. I've just kind of pieced them together in the way that I wanted to to fit best. Um, I hope they haven't felt intimidated in that way. Um, but maybe again, maybe it's different because I was already piecing together other people's materials to help other someone, someone else's textbook or training things. So I think that helps a little bit.
Speaker 3Yeah, I think it was my youngest maybe took a statistics class that the professor actually wrote the book. Yeah, first of all, if you can write a statistics book, there's already something there. That makes you a little intimidating to me. Oh, I agree, but then it was just like you know. He was intent that you know, skipping this chapter. This is important. Well, what's in your life I mean motherhood, being a daughter, all of those relationships that you're involved in, professor, what's the thing that you fear the most? Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 4I I think most recently it's been juggling all my balls and doing it well. Um, so I guess the fear would be dropping, one that's most important when you're a working parent. You do a lot of juggling, and I think my fear would probably be not being as present and available to my family as I hope to be and want to be. So, yeah, I really try hard to make sure that that stays at the front for me while still doing my job well. So my fear would be if I wasn't successful at that.
Speaker 3Wow. Well, how do you measure it?
Speaker 4Well, I, my husband, I have a really good working or I want to say working but he's a great teammate for me working, but he's a great teammate for me.
Speaker 4So we kind of check in with each other and make sure we're. If we're kind of getting off track or getting to where we don't have as much time to sit down together or maybe be all three of us as a family, then we check back in about that and try to do something more intentional to get time together. Outside of conversations with him, I think it's just me looking at my list each week and thinking, okay, where is the time left to get family time each evening? Or what events or things this month and the weekends do we have that are just for us? I've been having to get better at making decisions to say no to not even work things, but just extra commitments on the weekends or weeknights. If we get invited to something or something comes up and we have and that's our family time, not being afraid to say I'm sorry, no, but we're just hanging out, just us. Today has been really important. It sounds simple, but I've gotten more protective over my family time and I think that's me kind of guarding against that fear.
Speaker 3Well, it's not simple, because I think that so often it's what is it? The fear of missing out, yeah, yeah, and so we've got that. And then when you're in a job, it's like but it's all the faculty or it's all the department If I don't go, then you know, am I looking like I don't care? There's so many pulls on us, so good for you. I mean, that's a hard one and I don't think it changes, I think it intensifies, because soon your kids will start having obligations that pull you. And I look at my husband now and go how did you coach? Because it's just like but now I know, I remember I mean you go do it and then you come back and have your computer and do something you know into the night.
Speaker 4Yeah.
Speaker 3Forget, you forget how you did it so well. Have you ever missed out on something that you really wanted to do? And maybe what was that? Have you just had to say I, I can't do that big jump right now. I, I can't go on that research or whatever?
Speaker 4you know I just this summer I was invited by a family member to go see, and it wasn't something I've been just counting on for a long time, it was just a cool opportunity. I was invited to go see the killer whales in the wild in the San Juan Islands and the availability of when we could go was on one of the few weekends because my husband's in school right now working and in school. It was one of the few weekends that we had together. It was a holiday weekend and if we didn't spend it together it was going to be a long time before we had that again. And it was just me that got invited on the trip and I had to turn it down. I think I cried about it for a day or two because I was like who turns these kind of things down?
Speaker 4That just sounds like an obvious answer, but there's, I think there's also a reason that it was weighing so heavily on me, because I just felt like this was not the time. I wanted to be home too. I didn't want to miss it, and with kids. I think it's especially hard with little ones because they change so quickly that if you go several weekends without much family time, that's like a year. It feels like a year. But I was torn over that for weeks. Because me not, definitely not a mom. I don't know. If I didn't have a son, maybe my husband would have been able to go too. I don't know the differences there, but me by myself, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I would have packed a bag and been gone.
Speaker 3Yeah.
Speaker 4But me with a family life, I couldn't do it. I just could not leave them behind and use our free weekend. So I think it's just changed my decision-making.
Speaker 3Oh, well, that's so. I think it's just changed my decision making. Well, that's interesting. But it's very interesting that you kind of had an inner battle there, oh yes. An inner battle and yet it's like probably either decision would have been fine.
Speaker 4Yeah.
Speaker 3But yet you've got to come to a conclusion. And did your husband? Just step out of the way and let you make the decision?
Speaker 4You know, he kind of did. I tossed it back and forth with him a little bit and he was kind of laughing because it was in the evening. He was working on something and we have a calendar on our wall and I was talking, texting with the person making the plans and I kept going to the calendar and I would check. I would say, ok, what do we have that weekend? Oh, it's free. Ok, good, put the calendar back down, go back in the living room, come back and check again. He was like you've checked that calendar about four or five times and it hasn't changed.
Speaker 3Yeah, he hasn't run in there and written something on it.
Speaker 4Yeah, yeah, he's pretty good about kind of supporting my thinking process but not taking it over for me, because ultimately I'm the one that has to have peace about the decision. He was like I can cover the bases if you want to go, but if you don't go, then we can plan something and hang out here together so we can make it happen either way. But he knows me well enough to know that I have to have peace about my decisions. Yeah, I don't feel good about them, then it's, it's not going to matter either way not going to matter either way.
Speaker 3So, kayla, how did you get there? I know you talked about the development and family. Science made a difference in your early relationship, but that's really good coupleship right there. So how did you get there? I mean, did you see your parents function like that, or was it a learning climbing process?
Nurturing Strong Relationships for Human Development
Speaker 4I think it's definitely learning climbing, Not to say that my parents haven't done that well, Even divorced and co-parenting. I think they do a really impressive job doing that together. I think my husband and I have been very intentional about trying to learn those skills on our own. We go to a lot of married couple small groups. We've done, we did all the premarital stuff we could we really try to keep learning together, could I? We really try to keep learning together? Um, we're still trying to practice a lot of things. We can know everything we want to know, but if we can't practice it together, it's not going to do much. Um, so I think it's just been that we're both very invested in trying to do better than even what we've seen with our families.
Speaker 3So yeah, that to me. I mean you can take what you, what you know, but a lot of times and you realize this, as a couple, you don't really know everything that happened between your parents and and I mean I certainly don't with mine, and I mean I kind of have a little bit of regret because both of my parents have passed away. But my parents, my mom, had some letters that had been written, that they had written to each other back and forth when they were in their college days, and I did get the privilege to read them. And I mean there were, they were people I didn't know, yeah, they were. They were talking like I didn't know they were people I didn't know, yeah, they were. They were talking like I didn't know they were.
Speaker 3I could have used some of that information as I was growing up if I'd only known how my dad was struggling with school and my mom was helping him and you know.
Speaker 3But and then those letters got destroyed and I'll always harbor that. But I, there are just things that I didn't know about my parents that I wish I did. But it also lets me realize that there are that I didn't know about my parents that I wish I did. But it also lets me realize that there are things I didn't know, so there is some grace I can hand out. You know, giving a pass on things because it's like, oh, and maybe I didn't learn from them because they weren't modeling that at that point in my life. So that's really where a lot of what your coursework and study does, is that part of what you think is one of the most important? Or let me back that out, let me not put that in your head. What do you think is the most important aspect of human development and family science that we in our country must pay attention to today?
Speaker 4I think it's the importance of relationships. I think we are designed to be in relationship and connection with other people from we are designed to be in relationship and connection with other people from infancy and childhood. I think there's more attention on it there and I think it's deserved those first few years Every interaction matters but also into adulthood. I think we're getting to a point now where there's more focus on doing more and doing it quickly and multitasking and keeping up with the speed of everything and we're not really supporting our relationships as much as we should be be, and that truly, I believe, is the core of human development.
Connecting Through Relationships and Loyalty
Speaker 4Family science is the focus on relationships across the lifespan and being able to pour attention and learning and resources into helping foster strong relationships. I think also there's a huge importance of prevention, so just being able to tackle issues before they even have a chance to happen. There's a lot of ways we can serve families once they're struggling. But that's the reason we focus so much on child development, because so much of our childhood experiences and learning really are shaping how we're going to enter into relationships as adults not just our with spouses or romantic relationships, but also with friends in the workplace All of our different relationships we're a part of. So I think the focus on relationships and then also the prevention aspect are really really crucial pieces of HDFS that I think are special and unique about it. Yeah.
Speaker 3I would tend to agree with you right there. I mean that preventive that's a big word right there. Um, you know, we, we hear a lot about people when they're in crisis, but is there a way to prevent it or or at least steer you know a little bit down a different path? So, um, you know, rich can mean so many different things. It can go down the monetary, or you know, it can go down so many different paths. When I say, in which way do you feel rich? What, what might cross your mind?
Speaker 4It's going to flow very closely to my last answer, but I think about my people. I mean, if I just one time, I think this will connect to it very closely too. I think I was in high school and I wanted to make a book of all my people and then later I thought you know if someone found that that might look kind of creepy to find, but I wanted to have just a little scrapbook with a picture of me and each person that was important to me and just be able to write what I love so much about them. I just, if you have a lot of pages in your book of not just people you know, but people you could write a page about how special they were to you. That feels really rich to me, and maybe part of that's just that I'm kind of an introverted soul and I just hold things close to me.
Speaker 4But I don't know, I think about that little book that I never started. I might've gotten two pages in before. I felt like it was creepy looking. But I mean there were a lot of pages in that. It just I don't know.
Speaker 3I feel like that's rich, yeah, I agree and that I hate you didn't do the book. I know I agree and that I hate you didn't do the book. I know I know you need to go back and look, but yeah, I mean that those are life experiences.
Speaker 4Yes, and I even had a one year friend made me a birthday video that had, I mean, not all, but a lot of important people in my life all just saying happy birthday, and they just put it all in a compiled video. So it was school friends, family members. 10 years later, two people in the video had passed, they weren't here anymore, and it was just really powerful to be able to have my people documented just for a little happy birthday. I hold videos and pictures really closely, so, yeah, I'm now just thinking a little bit more about this whole pattern of me collecting all my memories of my people and relationships, but it's it's a big deal to me.
Speaker 3Well, it sounds like you collect people. Yes, I mean, like you said earlier, I mean you're a friend and you're a friend and so, but but there's also this thread that that kind of goes through just loyalty. So loyalty seems to be quite, quite important to you. How did you come by that?
Speaker 4Oh, I don't know. I I think part of it is just again because I tend to be more shy, more introverted. I have a hard time, um making new friendships. So the ones I have and the people I've invested in, I I like to keep close. I um, yeah, I stand by the people that, um, I care for and that I've invested relationship in. So I don't know necessarily where it came from. Besides just that tendency to have a hard time warming up to new things and new people, I've learned to do it, just being adaptable and professionally, but it's not my natural tendency or skill set.
Speaker 3Yeah. So have you ever had a real heartbreak that you've had to just look at and go I didn't do anything, I'm still the same, and yet the friend has moved off or put a barrier between you. Have you had to deal with things like that?
Speaker 4or between you. Have you had to deal with things like that? Oh, absolutely, yeah, multiple people and they. I think it's when you have that tendency to be more loyal and to like things to stay the same and people that you know to stay friends, those things hit a little bit harder. But absolutely, I've had those on multiple levels.
Speaker 3You seem so together and so professional and you're just going right along. Have there been boulders that you've had to kind of face or climb over or go around, or both professionally and personally? I mean, are there things that just kind of haunt you and you just God? There it is again. Or is it just smooth sailing?
Speaker 4Oh, definitely not smooth sailing. I mean, there's definitely been difficulties, personally, that come up over the years with different things. Um, when I think of professional, professional boulders, um, more of them were as a student trying to figure out my direction, um, and it's things that when you're not a student don't sound like that big of a deal, but when you're a student it's earth-shattering, like an internship that I didn't get and had to change career directions for that, or maybe a program opportunity that didn't become available. I wouldn't say I handled those things lightly. I think people helped guide me through them Personal ones, I mean, without diving into them, I will say over the years I've learned that getting your own mental health counseling is important and something that I should have done a long time ago. So having external people to kind of keep me on track helps, but definitely not always smooth sailing.
Speaker 3Well, and it's interesting, you know that you say that I don't know that I've heard anybody that has looked at counseling or therapy and gone. Wow, I wish I didn't do that, right, why didn't I check into this earlier? And I guess it's stigma, I guess it's time, it's money, it's so many things, so many factors. Yeah, yeah, we have gone down so many different roads.
Speaker 4Is there anything that we haven't covered that you want to make sure that we do talk about? I don't even know where that connected.
Speaker 3So there you go. Oh, but your whole career, your whole study is connected. So let me do, let me ask you one thing is there any particular research that you're involved in and that's kind of been part of what you do within your realm of study?
Speaker 4So I would say the most recent big research I've been a part of was looking at mental health of college students and how it's impacted by a lot of transitions and changes they go through, which is really tapping back into that original interest that I had. I'm trying to get started in a little bit of research looking at some of the coursework for things like trauma-informed care and how it shapes their perceptions of relationships and people as they learn more about like early traumas, early disconnection from people. So that's something that I'm starting to kind of get into right now is really just looking at the impact of courses on students perceptions and their understanding of people, which sounds like a really big thing and that's why it's taken a little bit to really get a process, sure. So, um, but are you a researcher at?
Speaker 4heart no, I would say I definitely lean more into my teaching yeah I think my heart's much more in teaching. I think the research is very important and and I think I'm a better teacher the more I am involved in and reading through the research. So I do that and in my passion areas it's fun to be involved in the research. But if I had to say where my heart is, it's much more in the teaching.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah, I think that I guess one can't be without the other but yeah. Right, but yet it's um, I guess you're passionate one way, one way or the other. Um, so well, this, this has been absolutely wonderful. How, how do people get in touch with you or follow along or or look into some of the topics that you talk about?
Speaker 4So I have an email that they could use if they wanted to reach out or ask questions. It's kwentsamfordedu. I am active on social media. I am active on social media. That's more of my personal realm, but I'm at Kayla Went, if they're interested in personal things.
Speaker 3Say that one more time because it messed up.
Speaker 4So you're at Kayla Went Okay.
Speaker 3Well, I have one more question. Okay, If you had a superpower, you have it for 24 hours. You can use it professionally or personally. What would you choose? How would you use it? And I really like to know why you would choose it.
Speaker 4Oh, I think you know I'm between flying and reading minds. I think flying would be just my fun interest, just to go on adventure to see as much as possible. But my more, I guess, logical side is that I want to read minds. I want to be able to understand people before they have to explain it. I want to. I don't know, I think it's just tapping back into understanding people better. I don't know, I think it's just tapping back into understanding people better. And yeah, yeah, personally and professionally, I think that would be a really fun one, very telling.
Speaker 3Sometimes, though, I think it would be scary to know what students are thinking while I'm talking to them, talk about bringing insecurities up.
Speaker 4Yeah, it was a movie where you could hear everything that everybody was thinking and saying what women want yeah, yeah, oh.
Exploring Dreams and Growth
Speaker 3I don't know if I could handle that, but it goes right back into everything you've talked about, yeah, and understanding people. So so it was very good. Well, kayla, this has been absolutely wonderful, and I thank you very much for your time.
Speaker 4Thank you, I've enjoyed it.
Speaker 1There's a great big world that I want to see and a whole lot of things that I want to be. All I gotta do is count one, two, three, do my own drum. Whatever you you do, it ain't nothing on me, cause I'm doing my thing and I hold the key To all my wants and all my dreams Like an old song. Everything will be alright.
Speaker 5When I let myself go with the night, got a Stomp to my own drum.
Speaker 2Find Stat Keys Podcast on Spotify, soundcloud and iTunes or anywhere you get your favorite podcast, listen. You'll laugh out loud, you'll cry a little, you'll find yourself encouraged. Join us for casual conversation that leads itself, based on where we take it, from family to philosophy, to work to meal prep, to beautifully surviving life. And hey, if I could ask a big favor of you, go to iTunes and give us a five rating. The more people who rate us, the more we get this podcast out there. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Speaker 5Stomp to my big drum Stomp, hey, ooh. Yeah, I've got my pockets full of dreams, yeah, and they've been passing out the same thing. Wow, wow, Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.