Stacked Keys Podcast
The idea to talk to women who are out there living and making a difference is where the Stacked Keys Podcast was born. There are women who make a difference, but never make a wave while paddling through life. Immediately I can think of a dozen or more who impacted me, but I want more. I want to talk to those I don't know and I want to share with an audience that might need the inspiration to find their own beat. This podcast is to feature women who are impressive in the work world-- or in raising a family -- or who have hobbies that can make us all be encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate and get up in the morning or what they wish they had known earlier in life? Grab your keys and STOMP to your own drum.
Stacked Keys Podcast
Episode 208 -- Tiffany Burnett -- Resilience, Music, and Growth
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Tiffany Burnett's journey from a young girl with a love for the trumpet to a professional blending music and therapy is nothing short of inspiring. Tiffany shares her unique path and passion for music therapy, which was sparked by a serendipitous meeting that set her on a course to help families with developmental and neurodevelopmental needs. Her dedication shines as she talks about integrating her music therapy expertise with alcohol and drug counseling to create a compassionate and holistic support system for those she serves.
We also explore the experiences of a tenacious mother who transforms personal challenges into a career in music therapy, driven by her journey with a child who has special needs. This episode highlights the resilience and determination required to balance personal and professional life while making a meaningful impact on others. The discussion distinguishes music therapy from traditional music education, focusing on non-musical goals like coordination and development, and underscores how personal struggles can lead to professional growth that benefits entire families.
Finally, the conversation shifts to the broader themes of self-reflection, managing mixed emotions, and balancing entrepreneurship with family life. Personal anecdotes underscore the importance of boundaries and self-acceptance, revealing how therapy and self-awareness can effectively manage stress and anxiety. As we navigate the ups and downs of everyday life, the power of music emerges as a vital tool for embracing individuality and achieving a fulfilling balance. Join us for these engaging discussions, and if you find our insights valuable, consider rating us highly on iTunes to help us reach more listeners.
Music "STOMP" used by permission of artist Donica Knight Holdman and Jim Huff
Passion for Music Therapy and Counseling
Speaker 1I'm walking all alone down my yellow brick road and I stomp to the beat of my own drum. I got my pockets full of dreams and they're busting at the seams going boom, boom, boom.
Speaker 2Welcome to Stacked Keys Podcast. I'm your host, amy Stackhouse. This is a podcast to feature women who are impressive in the work world or in raising a family, or who have hobbies that make us all feel encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate to get up in the morning, or what maybe they wish they'd known a little bit earlier in their lives.
Speaker 1Grab your keys and stomp to my own drum. Whatever you do, it ain't nothing on me, cause I'm doing my thing and I hold the key to all my wants and all my dreams Like an old song everything will be all right.
Speaker 3Well, today I have a guest with me and we're just going to dive in and figure out kind of who this person is and what she's got to bring to us today. I welcome Tiffany Burnett.
Speaker 4Hi, how are you? I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 3I'm really excited. So, like right out of the gate, tiffany, how do people know you both personally and professionally?
Speaker 4Well, it's funny, I hear the word how, and there's so many different ways to take that, so I'll go with my instinct on this. People know me personally through family. They know me sometimes on Facebook Um, I run a keto kind of Facebook group, so some people know me through there. Um, and yeah, I've. I come from um a family that five of my well, four of my my husband's brothers and sisters are here in this area. So it seems like when people hear Burnett they're like, oh, are you related to blah, blah, blah, you know this person.
Speaker 4So so, yeah, and then professionally, I'm a music therapist and so I work with families who have developmental needs, mostly developmental, intellectual developmental needs or, another way to look at it, neurodevelopmental needs, and so that's been a lot of fun. I've been doing that for about five years, and so that's been a lot of fun. I've been doing that for about five years, and about a year ago I started training for alcohol and drug counseling, so to be able to mix music therapy with these families and then, if they need some alcohol or drug counseling, either for prevention or harm reduction, or counseling as well as prevention, then I want to be able to do that through music therapy with these families and within the community.
Speaker 3Wow. So I wouldn't connect music therapy just off the top with alcohol and drug counseling, so I'd like to dive a little bit deeper in that. But I also want to know what got you into that, do you? You must have a love and a you have love for music, compassion for people, and you. You merge the two. But what led you down that road?
Speaker 4Um, I started playing trumpet when I was in fourth grade and my dad brought home the trumpet for my brother. It was my dad's trumpet when he was growing up, so he brought that home from. You know, when you go to your parents' house and you bring home all your other things. So he brought home the trumpet and I just picked it up right away. I literally picked it up and started just messing with it and playing with it, and I was lucky to be able to start playing that year. I was about nine years old. In school, they had a trumpet group. Most people, even especially nowadays they, don't start band until about sixth grade. So I was lucky to be able to do that in fourth grade, fifth grade, all the way up through college. So being involved in music and in bands was a big part of my growing up. I did marching band in high school and that was a lot of fun. That was my life.
Speaker 4And so, um, in high school I was going for what's called an international baccalaureate degree and they have special classes you have to take and make sure you do them in order, and another way to say is IE. Make sure you do them in order, and another way to say, is IE, international baccalaureate, and I think it was my junior year. I would have had to drop my music class, my band class, in order to continue with this, or actually my senior year. I would have had so in my junior year. I'm thinking about this. You know, I'm signing up for classes for my senior year. I would have had so in my junior year. I'm thinking about this. You know, I'm signing up for classes for my senior year and I would have had to drop that class and I said okay, then I'm not going to do, I'm not going to do the degree.
Speaker 4So I mean I, I I got a normal high school degree, um, and the advantage to that was that I was able to um take my band class that I wanted to take. And so I looked at you know, degrees in music and I saw music therapy and I just thought that seems interesting and at that time we didn't have computers to look up you know what degrees there were, you know what you're interested in, or anything like that. So I was sitting in the counselor's office and she had given me this paper that had you know, a list of all these professions, right, um, or degrees and things. So I um looked at that. I saw music therapy. On that I was like, okay, I'm going to do that. Um, yeah, there was a little voice in my head was like you can't do that, but I said I'm going to do it, so I did it and that's a big decision.
Speaker 3I mean, you're, you're looking at what somebody would equate academics. This is the only way to go. This is the only path, and you'd already worked so hard because that's not an easy degree to start with. So it's a track that was pretty tough, you know. I mean, I guess people now a lot of times is your AP classes and that kind of thing it's just a really serious academic track. So did you catch a lot of flack from your parents on that? Not a bit.
Speaker 4I was 100% supported as far as emotionally. Financially no, but yeah, emotionally supported Definitely. Um you know, whatever you want to do, whatever makes you happy, so I was really happy about that.
Speaker 3Okay, you stayed with it. And then where did this therapy, counseling, that line come in?
Speaker 4So music therapy is a four year degree, if I wanted. You know it's a board, board certification and in order to be board certified you need that four year degree, you need a six month full time internship, and then you need that four-year degree, you need a six-month full-time internship, and then you need to take a test. So I took all those steps, passed the test and okay. So back up a little bit During my six-month internship, it was one month into it and I found out I was pregnant. Oh boy. I had been married a couple of years before that, and so both my husband and I were going to school you know the last couple of years of my schooling and so that was exciting.
Speaker 4Mostly, you know, the internship was an hour away, so that morning was really hard for me. Um, you know, with the morning sickness and things, um, but and they did talk about it in my midway review like we need you to be here on time. Do you understand? I'm pregnant, I'm trying my best here, oh, so, yeah, so got through that. You know, I remember doing all my internship duties pregnant and then, a few months after the internship ended, I gave birth to my first son, and so after that, you know, I tried to do like in-home kind of starting my own business.
Speaker 4I wanted to be with my son, and that is very, very, very hard to do. People typically only want music education or they want something fun for their kid. You know they don't necessarily need therapy, and so I wanted to provide music therapy for special needs children, but it was hard to do. I couldn't figure out how to do that. I did get my kinder music, you know, package in the mail and I tried to work through that and tried to put that all together, but it it wasn't exactly what I wanted at that time.
Tenacity in Music Therapy and Counseling
Speaker 4So and it was hard to do I didn't want to do that because it just didn't fit, you know, with the way our lives were at the time and um, so that was 19 years ago and um, so I decided in 2018, I was like I'm going to see if I can do this and you know, just because I have this degree I was certified before let me try this again. So I took the test again because that's the way to get back on track and I passed, which was absolutely surprising because it had been a really long time. And you know, research, and especially in the fields of human services, like things are changing all the time, so I was really glad that I passed that test. So, yeah, recertification in 2019. And then I started working with families that I knew right away who had children with disabilities, and that was a really eye-opening experience. We can talk about that too, but I want to give you a chance to ask a question.
Speaker 3Well, and I mean we're going down the exact road that I want to, because you know you had this passion, you prepared yourself for it. It wasn't the right time and then you revisited it. I think a lot of women don't realize that that's okay, that is totally okay. And when you're trying to make something fit, and I mean cause like kinder music nothing against kinder music, cause I love kinder music we we did it. Um, but I mean I wasn't looking for therapy, I was looking for, you know, something completely different from a therapy a therapeutic environment.
Speaker 3Um, and so I just find it fascinating that you didn't give up, that you didn't go well, that's just a waste and then just chalk it up up. I mean, that takes some tenacity, so one, where do you come up with that kind of tenacity? Were you raised that way, did you? Is that part of your core being? I mean, how do you? How do you do that? And still being quite an entrepreneur, because you had to go in and go. All right, this is what I'm going to do. You didn't join something that was in existence.
Speaker 4Yeah, okay. So tenacity, my mind frame and mentality, I think, at the time was I think a lot of us moms go through this when our kids get to that age like am I useful anymore? Because they're independent. I'm actually sleeping through the night. My youngest was eight, seven at the time with my initial thought, eight by the time I got recertified. Oh, yeah, and so with him being that age, I was actually communicating a lot with the school at the time for his needs and even before that, years before that you know it's. You know, having a child with special needs requires the mom to put so much energy into everywhere, you know. So, at school, doctor's appointments, you know, making sure friendships are healthy, you know brotherly friendships and his, just his development, and it was, it was a lot that I was going through from the time he was born up until that time he was becoming, you know, more independent.
Speaker 4I knew I had a passion for helping people with disabilities anyway, so I felt like I, maybe my tenacity was innate. Growing up, I don't remember having a lot of experiences, except until I was like a teenager um, where I had volunteer opportunities to help, um, um, people bowl. I think there was like the arc of Prince William County up in Virginia, they had, um, they had this bowling league that the young adults would do, and so I would go and help with that. So you know, that was my first kind of connection to people with neurodevelopmental disabilities or conditions. And so, you know, having a child of my own, he actually. So I have three boys, 19, 16, and 13 right now, and having my youngest son, it's a different experience. You know like I can, I can work with other people's children pretty well, but having my own son, it was I need help. You know how do I do this, um, and so, just reaching for people and and kind of actually observing I actually did bring him to two music therapists, um, and they became friends with me and just being inspired by them. So I think, being inspired, having the feeling like I could do this, you know. So, yeah, my thoughts were always there with music therapy, but I guess tenacity I like that word, yeah, it's a mixture of feeling like this is who I am and like I can do this, even with all the challenges that were presented to me at the time.
Speaker 4And I knew I had to take things slow because I honestly didn't really know what I was doing. You know I passed the test. I had the schooling I was taking. You know continuing education things. But to get in there with the families, like it's, it's very hard. Because I wanted, my wanted to be able to collaborate with the parents and say these are, this is our job. You know I wanted because the parents see them see their children more often than I do. I would see them once a week. The parents would see them.
Speaker 5Yeah.
Speaker 4So I wanted to be able to work with the parents in family function and responsibility and, you know, just development for the child, but also his relationship with the siblings, the moms, you know, dealing with whatever they need to deal with, to be the leader of the home. I really wanted that and that was. That was that was why I did this, um, and it was hard because that's not what my training. My training didn't had to do with the kindergarten class with people with autism. It had to do with assisted living place with the group, you know. So groups of all similar types together or individuals, you know, who had a specific need that music therapy could meet. But in this family setting it was very different and so that came to. That was very challenging.
Speaker 3Yeah, well, and but it's interesting because you almost came to that, because you could see the needs yourself of what you needed, and so it wasn't. You know, this is what I'm reading in a book, this is what I'm living day to day. Exactly Changes the dynamic a lot, I'm sure. So tell me exactly what music therapy is.
Speaker 4So music therapy is the clinical use of music and music activities and all the elements of music in order to meet non-musical goals. So I am not someone to teach you how to play the guitar just so that you can perform or become technically better. I would teach you how to play the guitar to practice finger dexterity, hand-eye coordination, maybe group work together and understanding when it's your turn to play, but performance-related stuff is not music therapy. Of course it's therapeutic for someone to learn to play an instrument or to sing, but that's not what I, that's not what a music therapist does.
Speaker 3yeah, well, maybe there are some out there that do it that way yeah, but that's not your focus, but how fascinating to think you can do all of these things and I love the, I love the taking turns, I mean. That mean that translates back to the classroom if you're working individually or at home of taking turns. So that is really interesting. So you've kind of come at it with your needs too, at it with your needs too, and so have you found that it's grown, as maybe people are more accepting and more vocal about hey, we've got this going on at home and we need. Do you think that it's it's grown from that aspect?
Speaker 4Personally in my professional, personally in my professional life, yes, but that itself is a process to get to that point, so it's not automatically this is what we need.
Speaker 4I'm going to go search for a music therapist to me, and so he might be distracted, and I've heard music can be helpful, so I'm going to go find a music therapist. So it's not so much uh, the way that I'm trying to, I mean I, I start out that way with most of my clients, um, and then um. Then we get to the point of uh discussion. We get to talk about, like, um, how this is affecting the family and key things to try, either musically or not, musically, mostly musically to help the child or to help yourself, or to help the situation. So, so something that actually is a good thing to say here is because I found myself struggling working with families. This is where you and I met. I started looking into options for gaining more skills in that area and I found a family life education and coaching graduate certificate at NC State and then through that, I learned about the Family Life Coaching Association. So that's where you and I met at one of the conferences.
Self-Reflection and Growth Through Challenges
Speaker 3And it's incredible because that program and that organization marries so many skills and talents that are not necessarily that you would think would go together, but then they do. It's amazing. Yeah, it really is. So do you find that you think more with your heart or your head? Are you a good combination?
Speaker 4your heart or your head, or are you a good combination? I am mostly in my head, but what's interesting about the way that I think and the way that I make choices? It's all about the way something feels. So for my husband in particular, he doesn't understand, like how do you make decisions that way? You know, and I think a lot of people who are very sensory oriented, where you know they have to see, they have to know, they have to touch, like that's a hard thing for them to understand, like how do you just feel something? And me it's just something that's always been there for me, um, and I've learned to trust it, because there's times where I feel like maybe I shouldn't trust it and then I realize later, oh, I should have trusted that. So there's a lot of and and then feeling of gratitude that, oh, I'm glad I went along with my gut, because this makes sense do you have a process in place where you kind of run things through?
Speaker 3do you have a daily process of how you make those decisions and can kind of like at the end of your little tally list? Do you have an answer, or is it just more of a flowing it's more flowing.
Speaker 4I love exploring, so like when I talk about me being in my head. I love exploring, so like when I talk about me being in my head, I'm a questioner also. So I will doubt I guess is the word people I will doubt systems, I will doubt tradition, I'll doubt whatever there is that I'm supposed to think and believe, and then I will do as much research about it and I'll just go as far as what does this mean? And so then so it can take a long time sometimes, depending on what the decision is. But yeah, I think that's my process is um questioning and deep, deep search.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah and come up with an answer. Are you willing to change if you like? Whoops, maybe that wasn't right.
Speaker 4Mm. Hmm, yeah, yeah, and I'm, I'm. I love the opportunity to do that, like when there is opportunity to be like, oh, I was wrong and I probably should have blah, blah, blah. Um, yeah, and you know it's interesting, it's taking me some time to accept that, to to be that way that that that itself took practice to be able to feel flexible enough, um, and not hold myself to such standard that, oh no, I can never be wrong, you know, um, and that takes practice you know, and that takes practice.
Speaker 3Yeah, I've heard a lot of people lately talking about C-work is okay, get it out, just get the workout, just get the process out, just get the program out, or whatever. C-work is all right because you're getting it out. How does that hit you?
Speaker 4you're getting it out. How does that hit you? Are you asking me because you see me as like this? I don't know.
Speaker 3I'm asking you because this is a question that bugs me.
Speaker 4Well, you know it's very interesting. My kids have come to me before, and one of them in particular. I'm so upset, mom, I got a B on this paper. I should have gotten better. I worked really hard on this. It's a process for me to and this is something that I try to instill in the parents that I work with to meet the child where they're at. So meeting my child where he was at. You know he was feeling down. He had this high expectation of himself. He was so disappointed he got this B because it reflected something that didn't match what he saw in himself. He was so disappointed he got this B because it reflected something that didn't match what he saw in himself. And I've never said anything about grades, but for some reason he is just this high achieving person. So our work, our work together as parent and child, is um self-acceptance and for him to feel like he's doing the good work and it's not about the grade.
Speaker 4So if a C work, so to answer your question, a C work is that? How am I understanding correctly how you? Okay? So C work, if that's the best that that person could do at that time, hallelujah, you know, get that work done and get it done to that best of your ability. Today that's your best and hold on to that. Love it, cherish that best moment with a C.
Speaker 4When you're ready, say what could I have done better? If you want to do better, if there's something that you can do better, you kind of analyze it. You say, okay, well, I should have put periods on the end of my sentences, right? I didn't that day because the period button wasn't working. Whatever it is, you know, I couldn't for whatever reason, whether it be an internal or an external reason, and that was my best. But next time I'm going to get a different computer, I'm going to borrow something or I'm going to take steps to make sure the periods are at the end of my sentences, um, and so that brings up a lot of, you know, ideas as far as awareness, um, ability, acceptance and um and I love this one self-efficacy, feeling like you can accomplish what is intended to be accomplished. So did I answer your?
Speaker 3question, and I love that, and I love it from a therapist view. What about to you? Do you find yourself being able to take that same medicine?
Speaker 4Yes, I was challenged last semester. I handed in a paper which I thought was awesome, and my teacher wrote me an email and said I can't give you a passing grade on this. Yeah, swallowing that pill is hard. Your own medicine is hard. Um, and I say this with a smile on my face because I got through it and I feel like it was not uh, I think it took me maybe I'll say 36 hours to calm, to calm myself down enough to be like, okay, what now?
Speaker 4right, um, because from the moment I got that email, I was like what did I do? Like she's not even gonna like answer these specific places and reasons why I couldn't get the passing grade, and the the only feedback I got from her was that I didn't answer the question, the prompt, the prompt. So, yes, um, I had to go through all of that. I had to go through acceptance, I had to go through okay, what now? It was the best I could do at the time and I did everything I could to make sure that I met the expectation from within myself, but also externally. I wanted, you know, the feedback from the professor. I wanted that grade, whatever grade it was.
Speaker 4Even if she gave me a C, I would, of course, said, oh, okay, well, I wonder why I thought it was better than a C. Maybe havea discussion with the teacher and maybe decide okay, next time I'll do blah, blah, blah. You know, it probably would have flowed a little bit better in in my emotional states. Um, the way that it turned out was I felt a little more choppy because there was so much up in the air, there was so much unknown, um, and so it's interesting cause it's it's not about the grade. And actually I was talking to a friend recently, um, oh, let me back up. So I was talking to my supervisor about this you know it's not about the grade and he's like, yeah, but is it? The teacher thinks of it and I didn't, you know. So I understood I didn't like that. Somebody else thought it wasn't quality work yeah, so that that was.
Speaker 4That. That's what's hard to swallow for anybody. I think that's what the grade means. But if I had been given any grade less than an a, then I would have been like, huh, how could I have done better? So it's it. I don't know if that makes sense. I probably have to figure out how to say that better in the future. But it's not about the grade. But maybe it is, because what the grade means is that that's what the teacher or the person who's giving you feedback that's how they're evaluating that's how they're evaluating right.
Speaker 3It's their judgment, so their judgment on you, if it's not the same judgment you have of yourself, becomes something you have to work through and oh gosh, and actually you saying that made me realize that's teenhood all the way through, because you're feeling judged.
Speaker 4Yes, you're feeling judged all that time. I mean, maybe as adults too, we feel that a little bit, but um, but teenagehood it's definitely.
Speaker 3Yeah, I, I completely agree with that. So do you positive self-talk.
Speaker 4Do you positive self-talk? Yeah, I do. Now, I do now. My dad got me into affirmations. Yeah, he said it's going to feel weird at first. Tiffany, you look at yourself in the mirror and you say I am a good person, I can do this, I'm worthy of this, I'm worth this. And it was weird at first and it is weird still. I do it less so in front of the mirror and more just throughout the day. Just throughout the day, um, and it was something that I had to.
Speaker 4I didn't realize that I was not giving myself positive self-talk and, in place of that, I was doing a lot of negative self-talk, and maybe not so much negative than it was um, negative than it was um, like judgments on oh, this person thinks this, or, oh, I have to do this, so that this person blah, blah, blah, or I have to, um, or if I did this, it would be better. You know, like those, there were these thoughts that would go through my head. That very natural, and I think everyone goes through them and sure, well, I think so. Yeah, cognitive distortions is really a good term for that irrational thoughts and um. So it's something like once you realize oh, I'm doing that, I had to. That had to be brought to my awareness and I have worked on that. One of the interesting things working through that it was oh, cognitive behavior therapy is really where that comes from, and my therapist had suggested right after our first session. She's like here's a list of irrational thoughts. I want you to take a look at that and tell me what you think. I'm like say all of these, I mean there's like 50 of them. So I was like so she said you know, this is what you do, you. You stop and pause when you have these thoughts, consider where they're coming from, and then you literally change the thought. You know, and it's hard to do.
Understanding and Managing Mixed Feelings
Speaker 4I was able to recognize the thought based on my feelings. Really, if I felt tense like I, cause I'm very aware of my feelings really, yeah, if I felt tense like I because I'm very aware of my feelings and so if something was just overwhelming to me, I would have to stop and think about what thought am I having? Because a lot of times you don't even like, you're not literally thinking a thought, you're just behaving in a way that exit. That happens, right. So it's a feeling.
Speaker 4It's a feeling, and so I was able to put words to, even though it wasn't a hundred percent accurate, because our feelings are so mixed, you know, there's there's never just one thing in feelings. So I was starting to be able to put words to these feelings and consider them and I would laugh at myself Like I can't believe, like how amazing, like why was that even there? And so I gradually learned to like with positive self-talk and everything you know it's, it's easier, so much easier to manage than at the beginning. So it does take time, and that was probably about 2012 is when I started, so I was an adult.
Speaker 3Yeah, yeah. Well, I find what you said interesting about the mixed feelings is rarely one feeling, so you can't just break it down to this is happy, well, it may be all mixed, and I kind of equate that to like when you're trying to weigh out a recipe to see what you're actually your intake is, so what your protein is or what your carbs are, and it's like, but I don't even know how, because it's just all mixed, yeah, and so I think that's that's some of what you're talking about, and having that positive self-talk can kind of get you through some of those bundles of feelings and then back into what you do as a career. You're having to break those down and break those bundles apart. Sometimes that can be really complicated apart. Sometimes that can be really complicated. So do you have a process in which you can help a parent, especially one who's dealing with someone that may have some particular needs that are not you know what every book is written about? Do you have a process that you can kind of kind of help them stop and breathe?
Speaker 4of kind of help them stop and breathe, process. I think it's not something that I do, it's something definitely the clients go through and so when I'm involved in their, you know, at the session, so when they're with me, I'm with them, we're. There's a lot of listening that goes on for me and if there is something that I can help them process or help them move through or help them if they have a goal, if they, if they can identify a goal for themselves, so this is one way. So music therapy, when I work in the neurodevelopment side, it's a lot of um, I'm a, I'm a neurologic music therapist, so I'm. I focus on the way that our sensor, our senses, are affecting and influencing our brains and in what ways can we exercise those brains to achieve those parts of the brain, to achieve whatever skill I'm trying to teach for the client and usually it's a client with a neurodevelopmental need need. So in those times directly when I'm with them, it's different because I'm the one presenting the music therapy exercises. So, process, I guess when you're asking me what's my process is, you know, presenting this exercise of seeing how many times something happens, seeing how much time exists between behaviors, seeing how effective my interventions are to achieve this neurodevelopment goal, whether it be education, walking, communication or like speech, language kind of things. Um, memory, that's what they worked on, and, of course, mental health goes with all of that right. So helping them when they're, when they present with anxiety and things like that. But on the side where I'm trying to help the parents or the caregivers of the people who have this neurodevelopment and sometimes the caregivers have a neurodevelopment condition as well, maybe they have adhd or autism or tourette's or you know any you know it's not just a child thing. You know, adults can have these things as well.
Balancing Entrepreneurship and Motherhood
Speaker 4Um, and so if they're a caregiver, of course I'm going going to be working with them around their specific needs. But if it's something that has to do with the family and I'm going to be providing family life coaching, you know, and understanding, like, how can what would be helpful? If music is an intervention that would be helpful is what I'm hearing you tell me then I will help you practice this skill in your home or in the setting and um, and a lot of times it has to do with boundaries. It's really interesting. Um, like, how do I stop myself from doing something that I feel like I should be doing. And then you know, so there's this management, self-management. Like I don't like the way this is going on. This is going crazy, it's making me, you know, it's taking up my time. So then I help them with.
Speaker 4There's been times where I've helped with their own personal relaxation when they notice their child getting worried a lot about something they can recognize okay, am I getting worried a lot? Is there something that I'm saying or doing? And then to physically relax the shoulders, build the diet or push the diaphragm down to fill in as much air into the lungs as you can. So a lot of you know breath work and things like that. So it depends on what a client or the caregivers of the client need. So my process, I guess, is see a need, feel a need. I like that.
Speaker 3As you were talking. It's interesting to me that one of my kids has said to me mom, you are my anxiety. So I was a little insulted, but then I started thinking about it and watching it and going okay, don't say that, Stop. Yes, you're worried about whether they're going to do this, this, this and this, and I'm going to give you all five things at one time, and that's anxiety producing. So I just stop and I realized that that's one of those things where you can feed into something that wasn't there, and so then it grows and so I mean it's kind of interesting to to um, and if I were in your position to watch, I probably could pinpoint that immediately and going hey, mom, take a step back.
Speaker 3And I mean it's just as far as like we live out in the middle of nowhere and it's like well, my rule of thumb is to never go home less than a quarter of a tank. Well, that's my rule of thumb. If you run out, I'm sorry. And so I'm working on things like that that they don't come naturally to me, because I want to go ahead and take care of everybody, exactly. So, being an entrepreneur, you're part entrepreneur there. I mean you are.
Speaker 3I am, yeah, alone creating your own business. That's stressful. So how do you manage as, even though your kids are older, I personally think kids are easier when they're in the baby carrier um, but your kids are older, but they still have needs, and then um. So how do you, how do you balance or coordinate or take care of all of this heavy stuff that goes into your particular career of being an entrepreneur in this field?
Speaker 4that's a really, really great question. Um, so one of the reasons I began therapy my own personal therapy in 2012, was because I believed I had OCD, which is obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm sure your client or your audience knows that. Your client or your, your audience knows that but I thought, if certain things weren't put away the right way, or if we went to bed too late, you know certain things would. So if things didn't happen a certain way that I prescribed, kind of like what you're talking about, right, like if, if there's not a you know a full tank of gas, gas, or if there's less than a quarter tank, you know when this happens, you know we're gonna have problems.
Speaker 4So and we've experienced it and that's one reason why it's. For me, it was reinforcing all those parts of my brain that said there's going to be a problem. I don't have the energy to fix this problem, so I need to use the energy that I have to prevent the problem. Does that make sense? Oh yeah. So when you say stress around my work and like I guess another way to look at it is the work-life balance, right, like how am I a mom and also an entrepreneur? Also an entrepreneur.
Finding Balance and Setting Boundaries
Speaker 4I don't know why I'm beating around the bush for this, because maybe I should say this directly. I let so many things go. I am embarrassed about my house. My husband is too. Um, does that cause stress within me? Yes, but also, this is what I've chosen, so I'm. That's why it's so hard to answer. I am not as stressed as I could be, probably considering that I am putting 40 plus hours into my work and I'm raising three boys who are almost grown, 100%. You know how that is. They'll always need me. We are managing with two cars and three drivers four drivers and that is hard. It just well okay.
Speaker 4So there's parts of my life. I don't know if you've ever heard of the I think it's called the wheel of life where you have all the pieces, you know, all the types of areas of your life that you know. You're looking at, nutrition, looking at, you know, exercising all these things. So there's pieces of my life that are that weigh on me more Definitely and, um, so, yeah, I think it's a lot about letting things go um and divvying out expectations, um, and allowing other people to deal with their own mistakes. If they haven't told me, like my family, if they haven't told me their needs, and I can't, you know, be there to pick them up or drop them off, because I have a meeting or something, I let them deal with that and I'm there to support them. One simple example is the other day, my son missed the bus in the morning and he hated that Mostly because we gave him a dollar. If he takes the bus An angel yeah financial.
Speaker 4Yeah, yeah, yeah, um. So we had warned him. You know, okay, if you decide to do this, it's going to take extra time and you're going to miss the bus. But you know he was doing stuff, he was taking his time and you know, I'm getting in the car like normal, right, like it's like like I knew I was going to be taking him to school but but he didn't, uh, he didn't understand that. So he went down, he went out the front door ready to go to the bus and I'm like Sam, the bus actually has literally just left, so get in the car and drive to school. And he was angry, crying, fussing, angry, crying, fussing.
Speaker 4And like I anticipate where I can be helpful and where you know when I have the time and my efforts, and so that morning it was just okay, this is going to happen and not a big deal. So I'm just like, yeah, it sucks, I'm sorry, sam, we'll figure out another thing to earn your dollar. He's like, but can you just give me a dollar, cause I'm going to school? And I'm like we did that for him when he was younger because he was having some things. But like I'm like, no, you don't need a dollar for going to school today. Buses are really hard for him to to deal with because he gets bus sick and he has to just the whole management for himself to get on the bus. And like it's been a practice for us, so motivating.
Speaker 3Yeah, I can only imagine I am helping this kid in his reading and I thought that he got home like at 315 and he didn't call me and so by quarter till four I called and he answered on the bus and I mean just that moment on the phone with him I almost was like I can't do this and he's like yeah, no right, it's loud it's.
Speaker 4You never know what bus seat you're going to sit in you don't know there was one kid one year that kept hitting his hat off his head and it was kind of in a rude way. So you know me feeling other than and less than. That's not worth it.
Speaker 3So no, that's tough. That's tough and I imagine it's hard too as a mom, to not want to gallop in on the white horse and and fix it all, but fix it where you can. So, do you know? How have you figured out how to balance that? How have you figured out why are you asking these hard questions? Or how have you figured out how to balance when to be on the white horse and when, to you know, just stand in the shadow?
Speaker 4It has taken me and this is something that my, something that was said in a supervision group, supervision thing from work. They're like you know your skills are yours. They're not to be. You know they're to be used at work, they're not to be used for just everybody that you know and to help everybody that you know. Oh, wow, and well, you don't want to be someone that everyone comes to say help me, solve my problems. And then us, with our big hearts, we're like yes, I'll help you solve your problems.
Speaker 3Yeah, save it on your forehead of like tell me.
Speaker 4You want to protect that. You deserve money for compensation for your skills. You've spent money get to get this right, um, but I thought it was interesting that they were talking about that because I personally feel like my job has supported my personal life and my family life and like being a mom and like the way I understand about coaching I use that all the time with my kids so I feel like I'm in a really good position to um, and and I had to learn boundaries. I mean that is, I mean when I read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean that changed my whole perspective about my participation in a church organization, because that's it's. It's written around like bible-based kind of ideas, yeah, um, but it helped me understand my boundaries as far as, like, what to say yes to and it's okay to say no and uh, and so I learned that it's not just about saying yes and no to physical things, with me helping, but yes and no to emotional things as well, like I have learned to, like when my kids are upset.
Speaker 4You know, if it is my fault, I apologize. I try to make up for it. Um, if it's not my fault, then I support them by sitting with them and helping them come up with a better solution or a different solution. Or or if something passed and they were supposed to do something to meet some deadline or something. You know I remind them it's not the end of the world and that's hard to take hearing that from somebody else, especially from your mom. You know it's like you don't get me, mom, you know it's not.
Speaker 4So, yeah, I think, um, when we talk about process, you know there is no. There's nothing that sits in a box within a family. There's nothing that is a beginning and end with family. We are experiencing our own personal development at the same time that the family is moving forward. You know we're not. It's something like I've tried to teach my kids If you're as an adult, you're not going to arrive anywhere. There is no arrival, um, which is why even us, at the ages that we are, we hear so many people say this is what I want to be when I grow up. Yeah, because we're not, we haven't arrived. So I think the balance for me is using my own professional skills in a personal setting, If I can, setting those boundaries for myself and making that more consistent. I mean, it does feel so much safer for me, if I can expect that of myself, and that's taken some time. That's taken time to practice. I mean, if you look at it okay. So like I started all this 2012 and here we are 2024.
Speaker 3this 2012 and here we are 2024 so over 11 years of practice and I'm still practicing because we never arrive. So it's all practice, not arriving, you might arrive, and then you get to the next step and it's like, oh wait, I'm where I thought I would be, but now there's this. And so recreate my mom passed away at age um 97, 98. And she know that we had given her and I'm like, well, that's hurtful. And she's like I mean I've got to move on, I've got to move forward. And so all these albums and things like that, they, they hold me back. And and as I progressed through the rest of her life, I mean she had, you know, 25 more years without dad, something like that.
Speaker 3I'm bad math, so if any of my family's listening, sorry, but she had a lot of years and she created this whole nother person, so she had a whole nother life and to me that's a little bit exciting. It means that you can miss a boat and you can still get on the next one and you can can kind of work through some things and be a completely different person. You know, from one stage to the next. So do you? You do you? So much of your personal and your professional is intertwined. Do you know when you need a break?
Speaker 4and I take it. Oh, oh yeah, oh yeah, um, I do not hesitate to take breaks and and I think that is one of the key tricks to maintaining, or feeling like you can maintain um, uh, you know everything in your life, or maybe not maintain it Like you know what I mean. Feeling like you can do this again right the next day. Maintain, you know what I mean. Feeling like you can do this again right the next day. Wake up and do it again, Um, so I definitely take breaks, Um, sometimes they're as little as 10 minutes, other times they're whole days.
Speaker 3So I just and sometimes I schedule it in.
Speaker 4Yeah, sometimes and so, yeah, my breaks are always just resting, not thinking yoga. I started this new thing when I walk. I was talking about the diaphragm before. When I walk, I intentionally push the diaphragm down and relax all those muscles so that I'm getting in as much air as possible. So when I'm walking, I do, I count, you know one, two, three, four, sometimes I can go to six, Um. So you go to, you know, you count and you're still walking steps right and then just letting them out. I've been doing it like this breathing walking thing and I think it's a great exercise. I don't know if you've ever done like deep diaphragmic breathing before, but it is just so relaxing. So that is very cleansing.
Speaker 3That's awesome, Tiffany. We have been all over the place. We've talked about so many things. Is there anything that we didn't touch on that you want to make sure we do?
Speaker 4I think that our lives are not prescriptive. We don't have to be told what to do, when to do it, and if you're not feeling that freedom right now, then I believe that freedom will come for you. We will receive that. Keep working toward honoring yourself and that's, I think, hundred percent where feelings of freedom comes.
Speaker 3That's awesome. How do people get in touch with you or follow you?
Speaker 4Well, you can find me at my website um rhythm and cadencecom, and rhythm is spelled R-H-Y-T-H-M and then, and cadence C-A-N I'm sorry, c-a-d-e-n-c-e rhythmandcadencecom, and so you can contact me through that, or you can contact me through tiffany at rcfamilyservicescom.
Speaker 3Okay, great. I have one more question for you. If you had a secret superpower, if you had a superpower, it doesn't have to be secret. If you had a superpower, you could have it for 24 hours and you could use it professionally or personally. What superpower would you choose and how would you use it? And I always love to know why would you choose it.
Speaker 4I think and this may sound weird, like all my answers, I feel like, are this may sound weird, like all my answers I feel like, are.
Speaker 4I think that my superpower, I would go around making nature I mean, nature is already beautiful making it so that we, we, we can make every maybe okay. So how about this? Every backyard has all the fruits and vegetables that they need for to enjoy and to survive and to beautify their lawns. I would go around and make that happen for everybody. Like that would be, that would be so cool.
Speaker 3And why would you do that?
Speaker 4Well, I, I think that connection to the earth is really important and I think that, um, you know, those nutrients that you get right away from the earth, you know fast, right, like homegrown raspberries, that's so different than been sitting in the stores. So, um, nutrients are fresher and, uh, get more of them and get that satisfaction of looking out your window and seeing, seeing, maybe. So I would love that for people.
Speaker 3I love it, tiffany. Thank you, it's been awesome, enjoyed the conversation.
Speaker 1Me too. Thank you so much for having me Thanks.
Speaker 2Find Stat Keys Podcast on Spotify, soundcloud and iTunes or anywhere you get your favorite podcast listen. You'll laugh out loud, you'll cry a little, you'll find yourself encouraged. Join us for casual conversation that leads itself, based on where we take it, from family to philosophy, to work to meal prep, to beautifully surviving life. And hey, if I could ask a big favor of you, go to iTunes and give us a five rating.
Speaker 1The more people who rate us the more we get this podcast out drum. Whatever you do, it ain't nothing on me, cause I'm doing my thing and I hold the key To all my wants and all my dreams Like an old song. Everything will be alright when.
Speaker 5I let myself go with the night. I got a song to my own drum stomp. To my own song stomp hey, stomp, stomp hey.
Speaker 1Ooh, ooh. I'm gonna sing it out loud and say it real proud. Nobody's gonna step on my cloud, cause I stomp, stomp to the beat of my big drum. I got a big drum. Whatever you do, it ain't nothing on me, cause I'm doing my thing and I got the key To all my wants and all my dreams.
Speaker 5Yeah, Cause I stomp to my own drum, I got the key to all my wants and all my dreams. Yeah, cause I stomp to my own drum. Stomp to my own song stomp. Hey, gonna put on my boots and move that. Stomp to my own drum, stomp to my big drum Stomp. Hey, ooh. Yeah, got my pockets full of dreams. Yeah, and they've been passing out.