Episode 239 -- Monica Brown -- Turning Her Hardest Chapters into a Blueprint for Growth

What if the most powerful thing you do today is move toward someone in pain—gently, on purpose, and with tools that actually work? That’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Monica Brown, a coach, crisis‑line veteran, ER patient care specialist, and mother of five who rebuilt her life around “forwarding support” instead of frantic fixing.

We explore how soul care differs from self‑care, and why the former changes your baseline. Monica walks us through trauma‑informed yoga, nose‑only breathing to trigger the parasympathetic system, and a simple eight‑domain check‑in she uses when overwhelmed. She shares hard‑won lessons from childhood trauma, the limits of control even for vigilant parents, and a practical way to spot safe people: they repair. From redefining “my people” to include the whole community, to reframing self‑talk as a daily choice rather than a cheesy mantra, Monica shows how compassion, boundaries, and clear language can transform relationships at home, at work, and in crisis.

We also talk about strengths‑based coaching, clarifying needs versus wants, and detaching self‑worth from a to‑do list. Monica explains why multi‑generational support is a resilience superpower, how to balance ambition with contentment, and why doubt is a signal to repair—not to hide. She opens up about bringing coaching tools into the ER, the stigma that still shadows mental health, and her next step into marriage and family therapy to better serve clients looping around unresolved trauma.

If you’ve been craving grounded mental health tools, relationship repair that sticks, and a kinder story in your own head, this conversation offers both insight and practice. Listen, take a breath, and pick one tool to try today. If this episode helps, share it with a friend, subscribe for more, and leave a quick review so others can find it too.

Music "STOMP" used by permission of artist Donica Knight Holdman and Jim Huff

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Welcome to Stacked Keys Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Stackhouse. This is a podcast to feature women who are impressive in the art world, are in raising a family, or who have hobbies that make us all feel encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate to get up in the morning, or what maybe they wish they'd known a little bit earlier in their lives? Grab your feet and stop to hold. We met at a conference and had the opportunity to do some talking, and I just knew that she had so many different aspects that would just be a great fit for our audience. So Monica, welcome today.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Thank you so much. Good to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Well, I'm I'm really excited. And right out of the gate, let's let's talk about who Monica is, both professionally and personally. How do people know you in both aspects of your life?

Coaching Path And Community Impact

Crisis Work And Redefining “My People”

Moving Toward People In Pain

SPEAKER_00 1:56

So I've lived in Olympia for 33 years. And so in my area, um, well, right now my husband's a bishop of our congregation. So I'm the bishop's wife for the last four years. Um, but I think generally just people know me as um friendly and kind. That's kind of my um my goal involved in the community, and then um a coach since 2019. Um, I have five kiddos, and so I know a lot of people in the area raising those kiddos, and they're all grown. So um got long-term friends here and just associates and um people that we love and are involved with. Um as far as professionally, um, I I think people kind of see me as someone who helps them um enhance their personal relationships. That's kind of my goal and professional relationships. That's something I accidentally branched out into as I began coaching um generally women, but sometimes men or families. And I found that again and again I was coaching other professionals, people that either owned businesses or had stewardship over a lot of other individuals. And so the impact was getting bigger and bigger. Um, also um for my degree when I was studying um science of marriage and family studies, I took an internship with the crisis clinic of Thurston Mason County in our area. And so I started taking calls overnight, three nights a week for those in crisis. And I've done that's been it's been about three years, and then eventually about a year ago, I became a board member. And I think that's been really impactful for me to see how our influence has a like a vast effect on others, and you know, most importantly ourselves, but there is um a cumulative effect, how we impact those around us. And it also sort of made me change my mindset about who my people are. I always sort of thought of my people as being like my family, my husband, my kiddos, my sisters, my brothers, my um my friends at church or my friends, my neighbors. And then as I started working with the crisis clinic, I started to see my people as my community. They're all mine, like because we're all affecting each other and influencing each other and put bumping up against each other and um kind of like what is the impact that that makes, and how can we um use that impact to bless ourselves, bless others, and just really like love on people generally who might be struggling. So that's super important to me. That's a passion. And then I also right now I work per diem at um Providence St. Peter Hospital and patient as a patient care specialist. And so that I love. I only work maybe eight to 12 days a month there, but just being able to ease the way of people, especially coming into the emergency room, they're having a really bad day, and just being able to be the first person they see and kind of like welcome them. And that's one thing I've learned from both the crisis clinic and the emergency room is that I always sort of, because of my childhood, moved away from people who were having a hard time. Like, or maybe that was a little scary to me if people were agitated or they were experiencing some kind of trauma. I felt nervous or I'd like even physically like move away. And then what I've learned is that when it's safe to do this, when we move toward people who are having a hard time, that is what they need and what they want, even though they they come off a little scary or agitated, right? Like they need warmth and connection in those moments. So that's what I'm doing right now. It's really fun.

Soul Care Versus Self-Care

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Well, what I hear you saying is you are in so many different roles as a giver. I mean, that is that can be draining in and of itself. So, how do you gear up for that? How do you you're doing things that can really, really uh lay a burden on your heart? So, how do you gear up? How do you protect yourself?

Tools: Breath, Anchors, Daily Connection

Trauma-Informed Yoga Explained

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Oh, that's a great question. I have that is actually really important to me because you're right. Um some relationships are obviously more and experiences are more draining than others. What I feel like is really important. This is one thing I teach clients, is that I have to do something that I call soul care. It goes beyond self-care. Self-care is like getting your nails done, watching a movie, taking a break, making yourself pouring myself a diet coat, which I have right here. But soul cares are things that have a cumulative and a residual effect that affect me long term and affect those around me. Examples for me are um in the morning. I don't start with emails, I start out with some um trauma-informed yoga and some um, I pick up a book and I the end of the day too. I mean, I have a million right now. I'm gonna grow. I'm reading this book called Safe People. And I've I've kind of read it, glanced in it be through it before, but um just learning learning and growing myself and anchoring myself to um really good principles and just um connecting one of my goals every day. I have like little my calendar has like five things I want to do every day. One of them is connect with my husband and each one of my kids. And that helps a ton. Just kind of centering myself. There are actually some really good tools for that. Um, one I learned at a trauma retreat. And um, if you want, I can like look it up on my phone sometime, but where you you have these eight categories in your life, like maybe one is creativity and you have like some art that you love, and like one is like your value system, and then one is like your role in the community, and one is um your relationship spiritually, like what does that look like? And then you go through those things when you're feeling flooded or stressed, and it sort of brings you back to who you are, and just a sense of calm that like everything's okay, right? Like all of these things are happening outside of me, but like what's going on with the storm inside, and just kind of calming that storm. There's lots of tools for that. I use that tool. Um, yeah, I do have to do that actually. I do have to regroup in the morning and at night, and sometimes even in the day, breathing certain types of breathing through my nose only, that activates your parasympathetic nervous system. And you kind of have to calm down. Your heart rate goes down when you only breathe out of your nose in and out. And that's a wonderful tool that I've learned. So that's something I do with patients who are having a hard time is to help them learn to breathe and I touch them, like put my hand on them, and they feel how I feel more because they're able to sense my calm. And so, yeah, there's just lots of things we can do. It's gonna be different for everybody, I imagine. Like it's not, it's kind of that's what I do, but yeah, yeah, find your own system.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

What's trauma yoga?

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Trauma-informed yoga. So it's taking um typical yoga poses. Um, let me grab my little cards right here. So one of them um that I do is um put your hands like this, and then like on your chest, like together, like you're praying, and then you say, I release what doesn't serve me, and you put your hands up in the air. But then there's also just being centered. It's all the yoga poses, but then there's a therapist who came up with, and she actually teaches at like Harvard and Stanford. Um, she teaches how to use those poses to release some of the trauma that we've experienced in our lives. Um here's a little card. It says, I deserve to take in my own love. And she just is sitting there and you just just slowing down, slowing down, feeling what's going on inside your body, not trying to ignore it or push past it or numb out with your phone or have an argument with your spouse because you've got this feeling going inside, but acknowledging it, feeling it, and then bringing yourself back to where you want to be. And so there's a ton of poses, they all have a little saying with them. And then if you're the instructor, there's sort of like an additional like language or a little, I guess, prompt you can give people to help them really kind of experience it. But it is kind of a choice still, like whether you want to really like slow down and and also being taught to slow down. We're not taught to go slow and be gentle and just feel we're always going quickly. I I'm a prime example of that. Like, I actually love and thrive on going quickly. So I this is something I've had to learn. It's not, it didn't come natural to me. It wasn't something I was taught or modeled. Um, and it's a beautiful way to live, honestly.

Childhood Trauma And Becoming A Beginner

Learning To Slow Down

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Well, and I mean, five kids, um having uh being a supportive wife in a public um area and and then you know having your own interest, it's pretty hard to slow down. Um, we go pretty quick, we're we're taught to hurry, hurry, hurry, and and we're not taught intention. So it's like you have really pulled a lot of intention in to to your world. Is there something that you can look back in life and and you've had to kind of work through to get you there? And maybe it still poses boulders for you at times, but but for the most part, that's what you can look back and go, yeah, that's where I'm springing from.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Um there's probably two, you mean like like difficulties in my childhood and things like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah, just lifestyle.

Safety, Abuse, And Limits Of Control

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Yeah, there's probably two kind of hard things. One was in my childhood. I mean, there's there's tons of things, but like a general situation. I did not have an easy childhood. Um my mom had a very difficult childhood, and then her um, she did better than her parents did. Um, but like, you know, my mom had two divorces and very difficult first marriage and second marriage, different kind of difficult. Um, and then she just had so much trauma inside of her and was never had those tools. And so watching her, I remember being 15 and watching her interact with my dad and kind of just being like, is this what I'm gonna do someday? Is this how I'm gonna treat my kids? Is this how I'm going to experience life? And just really wanting something different, but having no idea how, like, I had some good values taught to me as a kiddo. We went to church, and so I believed in like the those things I was taught at church, but I wasn't experiencing them at home. And so as soon as I left my home and I got married at 20, I started being like a self-help junkie, like just like any book that I could find, any tool. And I was so surprised at what I didn't know. And that's the thing with clients is like we have to have a lot of compassion for ourselves because we only know what we know. And there, and even now, like I have to think of myself really as a beginner right now, even because even in my sphere of influence and what I've learned and where I've gone to school, I still only know what I know. And there's more to know. And if I'm if I think of myself that way, a beginner has a lot of pressure removed from them. They can like, okay, well, if I don't get it right, I can try again. And that mindset has really changed everything for me too, because as a kiddo, you were in big trouble if you didn't get it right. And so, and then when probably my biggest other boulder was um kiddos that experienced um depression and anxiety, and I didn't really, I don't say, I don't feel like I ever really experienced like that kind of depression and anxiety, and then recognizing later that it was caused from external abuse, like from um distant family members, and that has been so hard. That's been probably where I have I had to dig even deeper because that was like safety was my thing for my kids. Like I was the one that had the seatbelts and the helmets, and they had like apps on their phones, and they no one had social media until they were 18 years old. Like I was so concerned about protecting them, like, sure, have all of that, but like let me give you the best start possible, let me protect you as a mother. And then realizing that that was like outside of my control, that as hard as I tried, no friend sleepovers, like right, all the things, and still abuse occurred. And because I only know what I know, like I when you you can't go around not trusting anyone, right? And so, and I had to come to the conclusion that it isn't my job to navigate everyone else's behavior, even though I wanted to. My job is to navigate my behavior, and that was huge for me, and just realizing that I have one work to do and that's my own. And just, and then then you know, forgiveness, like all of those things, everything became all on a deeper level when there's trauma involved, right? So, and then even I found even more tools, and it's just been so it's been good for me, but hard, hard work to do, and it's still a hard work to do, and that's why the soul care aspect is so huge every day.

Safe People, Repair, And Red Flags

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Yeah, wow, that can that that's a lot, and when you're talking about trust, um, how do you how do you know how you can trust someone? I mean, do you pretty much have an internal trust meter, you know, to where you I thought I did, I thought I did, and that's the thing.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

It's like um people can pretend, right? And there are signs sometimes that they're pretending. And I would say that I definitely I give people the benefit of the doubt generally. I'm not really a grudge holder, and so there were probably more signs than I was willing to see at the time because it's just so bad when it's the behavior is so it's like unbelievable to me. I could never imagine doing something like that. So it's hard for us sometimes to wrap our mind around um someone being that unsafe, and also the reality is no one is all good or all bad. And so stacking up those good behaviors, I let those overshadow like the the warning signs and the signals that I got. And I also think growing up with a very unbalanced childhood as far as like seeing behaviors that were definitely what I would consider unacceptable for my own family and like what I didn't incorporate into my little my little family that I began, um I probably wasn't as alert or aware because dysfunction was my normal growing up, right? And every it's everyone's normal in some ways. We're all a little dysfunctional and we're all and honestly, when we're even safe people are unsafe sometimes. But the the thing that makes them safe, even though they can be unsafe sometimes, is that they make the they do the repair work, right? They they're like, I I wasn't honest about that. I'm so sorry. Like, this is why I was afraid, and I, you know, and so that's different, that's a different person. That's just a human, right? A safe human.

unknown 19:59

Right.

Why Coaching: Strengths, Needs, Value

SPEAKER_00 19:59

The unsafe, and there's lots of different ways you can tell someone's unsafe, but they don't make their repair work, they deny, they don't move forward. They're kind of um, there's fruit. You can there's evidence that someone is changing, that they are sorry, that they want to make amends. Um, but the hiding and the denial and sort of twisting things around back at you, like that sort of there are different things that are that are this honestly. This book is really good for that. The safe people book. If um readers want to look into or listeners want to look into it, like it really does help you sort of gauge, and the author shares really personal experiences where he had all the evidence that people were someone was unsafe, but in the very first chapter, but he cared for this person so much that he overlooked that, yeah, so that he could stay in a relationship for her. His holler art when we're like in love or were um like as a sibling or something like that. Somebody that we really we have this history with, we don't want to lose that, yeah. So we keep those relationships going, even though we should really break it, break off and create some pretty severe distance, right? So it spends so much, so much to learn, right? Um, and there's there's more, there's more, there's more to learn.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Well, you've taken that and and here you are um a life coach, and you are your your whole mission is to enhance relationships. And so how do you uh what what drove you to the coaching aspect? You know, I mean a lot of times people are like, yeah, I'm the friend, I have it written on my forehead, tell me everything about your life. Um, but but that that isn't what you've done. You've taken a role in um in really guiding and helping. And so was there a pivotable moment that you're like, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna life coach, I'm gonna take some of what I know and um and put it out there.

Needs Versus Wants: Getting Clear

SPEAKER_00 22:16

I think so. Um when my youngest daughter was probably like 11, um I had some kiddos that had been to therapy and they had bad experiences with therapists, and they'd been on some medication that they had bad experiences with. And so they just became very fearful of therapists, even though they're a wonderful therapist, they didn't have that experience. And so I started, I was like, well, what can we do? And they couldn't take medication and they couldn't go to therapy, and they were having some severe depression and anxiety. And at that time we didn't know the cause. But what I did was an even deeper dive into like, okay, well, what are all the things we can do? What are all the tools we can gather that are not therapy and that are not medicine? And I just went searching for anything I could find. And then I incorporated into my life first. I was like, well, I'm gonna try this out and see how it is for me. And so let's see how long ago is that? That was prop, that was 10 years ago. And um I was I became changed. Like my husband's like, wow, like you are different. Like something is like you've always been growing, but like you are so you're so at peace. And your relationships with the kiddos are, I mean, because they were grow, they were all like teens or almost teens or preteens. It was very like it's that's a tricky time for a mother, especially having that many. So um, but I was feeling so much peace no matter the storm. And I realized, wow, like other people need these tools. And we are not experiencing them in a normal, you know, we're not getting them at therapy because with coaching, I view my client as being well. I don't view them as being broken, I don't view them as needing fixing. I, you are well when you come here. I'm just trying to be a provide forwarding support that helps you um enhance, and it's all strength-based. So it's like, what are your strengths? We figure that out because most people don't know their own strengths. And let's work with your strengths to grow in the ways that you want to grow in the areas. And there's assessments and things that I use um to help kind of figure that out. But like, people don't know what their needs are, they don't know what their core needs are. They don't know. I didn't know. No one asked me, Monica, what are your needs? Let me help you fulfill those, right? What are your values? Let's work from that. Um, it isn't we don't dig in. And when we do that and know ourselves really well and see, wow, like I have a lot to offer and I'm succeeding in all of these areas, even though there's areas I'm not succeeding in. And then, you know, just being present with someone and being on that journey with them is incredible. And so, yeah, I in 2019 I was like, I want to take this to the next level. I want to help other people experience what I've experienced. And I didn't know half or a quarter of what I feel like I know and understand now. So it just gets better and better. And so, yeah, I have a client right after this, and I'm just excited to help her um gather tools for managing fear, stress, overwhelm, and get to know herself and know that she is has value without the to-do, even if she doesn't do anything on her to-do list today, she has intrinsic, unchanging, stable value as a human being. It isn't going anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

And most people don't understand that either.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

Yeah, that well, it's so interesting because as you were talking, I'm thinking, you know, we associate the the term coach with athletics. And, you know, you you get your team and they're not broken and messed up, and they've each got a skill. And so as the coach, you're figuring out who needs to be in what position and how they need to do, and the encouragement. And then there's the discipline that comes in. So you it is it is such a good word for for what you're doing, and it's one that we kind of understand. We just maybe haven't applied it to the life. Another thing that I was thinking too was um needs and wants. Do you think sometimes we get our needs and our wants mixed up? And so we don't validate either one of them.

Rewriting Self-Talk And Story

SPEAKER_00 27:02

I do, and I think one thing that's really sad is that we have we use the word needy for people when um like I have a distant family member, and they are always kind of showing up in a way where they're highlighting their strengths over and over again in conversation. And they need a lot of attention when I'm with them. And as I at first I was annoyed at that, and I was like, oh, like they're just like all about themselves all the time. And then as I got to know them and I leaned, I moved toward them instead of moving away, um, because they are a safe person, they just have maybe a unique personality, right? I realized that they have a core need to be acknowledged and to be heard. And when I provide that, and I'm actually interested and engaged and moving closer, then they feel love. They feel so loved and they feel so heard and they feel validated. And I don't know where that comes from, right? Maybe that's something they need to work through, but maybe it's just something, and maybe it's not a bad thing. Like I was labeling it as a bad thing. And in fact, like we all have different kinds of needs. And when I do a needs assessment with my clients, I'm always so surprised because you know I have mine, and I assume those are super important to everyone else. And then I do the assessment and I'm like, whoa, that's such an interesting need. I've never needed that, right? But what's crazy about our needs is that when they're met, we don't even notice them. They just kind of fall into the background and we can navigate our lives from our values. But when our needs aren't met, they that drives us, and it usually drives us in a bad way. It, you know, it we we sort of are starving for that to be met. And so we'll go about it in an unhealthy way sometimes. And so, number one, knowing what they are allows us to meet our own needs in healthy ways and choose that. And then as far as wants go, um, those are nice. And but I think when our needs are met, it's less confusing because then we can sort of see like, okay, safety, if safety is our core need, then and it's being met and we're making sure it's met, then we're not confused about a want being a need. Anyway, I don't know if that makes sense, but um yeah. That's kind of what I found. And wants are great. I I don't think it's bad to have wants either. Like I think we should stop like shaming people. All of that. Like it's okay to want something. Like, and sometimes that want will go away, and sometimes it won't. And then we should go for it, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

Yeah. Well, it's interesting if you take it the approach that you're saying, and and the needs and knowing what your needs are, some of those needs might be on the want list and they get shifted to the need list, and then they're taken care of because you're meeting your needs. Maybe it's just the noise that we make sometimes. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

That's probably true.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

That's interesting. I heard not long ago, when you know better, you do better. Um, so I I kind of hear that in what you're saying too, is you know, you deal with with what you know. Well, as you um are a mom of now you know grown kids, uh, do you look back and with some some guilt of like, if I'd only known all of this, if I'd only been able to apply it younger? How do you deal with that in your head?

Repairing Bonds After Disclosure

SPEAKER_00 31:03

So that was something I totally experienced in like a massive tidal wave when I found out my kids had been injured by someone else, um, or kiddo had been injured um because safety was so important to me. And I was like, I felt like my roles were ripped away. Like I being like the safety queen they called me, like somehow that was removed. And then I realized like that's not true. I still have that role. I'm still very safe with my kids. And when we're we were in Hawaii with our two daughters, I was like making sure the waves, making sure we're not sunscreen, making sure like that's still my role. That's still what I'm good at, um, protecting and caring for everybody. Um, it doesn't matter what the outside world is doing, right? Like that's still something that I can that I did my best at. Also, I have a lot of compassion for younger Monica. For 20-year-old Monica, 30-year-old Monica, 40-year-old Monica. I'm now 52, I'll be 53 this year. I really look back at her and I see that she was, you know, struggling sometimes. She was doing great sometimes. It was both in the same day, most days. And she had the knowledge she had. And I think that's how I look at Monica now. And being, and then I also look at future Monica. I need to have, you know, I need to have her in mind when I'm making choices and um building relationships with my kids and my spouse and doing the work that I'm doing. Like, am I providing a way for her to have success in the future and be be fulfilled and happy and at peace in the future? So I don't have a ton of regrets now. I've sort of like moved through that, but I have had experiences where I've or times where I felt a lot of regret. And it wasn't healthy. I think what's healthy is that we use the past to inform the present and the future. And so that's really what I try to do is I say, well, if I would have known, I would have done it different, but I could couldn't have known or I didn't know. And so now what can I do to like use that, harness that information for like a better life experience right now?

Family Culture, Support, And Belonging

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of people don't have compassion for themselves, they're very hard on themselves. So um, and a lot of people self-talk in such ways that are so destructive, and they would never speak to a friend in in the way that they speak to themselves. So, did you were you very intentional about that? Have you are are you a self-talker? Um, and and how would you guide somebody to to improve on that and to find that kind of compassion for themselves?

SPEAKER_00 34:10

That's really good. Um, so we're all self-talkers. We all have a story that runs in our head 24 hours a day when we're or when we're awake, even our subconscious is doing some self-talk. So, what I teach people is that you know, you might not believe in affirmations and self-talk, but you're doing it. So you might as well choose it. And it's always going to be something that we can never slow down on and never stop paying attention to. And not in a stressful way, but just in an awareness way, because our brains are designed to solve problems. So we are designed to see problems. We see errors, we notice what's wrong about ourselves, about others, about relationships. That's just how our brains work. And so recognizing that, um, one of the I have this on a little plaque in my uh room in here. It says, the good that is. There's so much that isn't good, and there's so much that isn't going right or that isn't perfect. But when we not in a toxic positivity type way, but recognizing the good that is happening, like what is going right in ours within ourselves. So what I found is that we can't ever stop um informing the story in our head. We all have a story going on all the time. And so we can choose the story, we can frame things in such a way that however we want to, it's really an option, like fear or faith, like that. It's we can go, I'm so afraid that that's not gonna work, or we can say it might work. I'm not sure, but hopefully it works. And then we can be disappointed later, or we can be disappointed in advance. And so just having the knowledge that we can choose and not feeling like everything is coming from the outside in, and taking care of the inside is really like the only thing we can do, like really the only thing, and that's what's it's been hard because as a mother, you want to you know, take care of the outside, you want to take care of everyone else, but this this person is who I can create and change. And so just it is a work we all have to stay on top of. And we we're always telling ourselves something about everything, and so just being able to choose that is been really good and really informative, and just paying attention to what's what is good, what what's happening around me, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Yeah. Well, you know, when you're talking about your child having something happen, and then you know, you've had a pretty close relationship with your kids, and then all of a sudden you realize that they're not telling you everything. Is that like a gut punch?

Letting Go Of “Even” And Micromanaging

SPEAKER_00 37:07

It was except I understood because I also understood because everything was going to change. Like them children have a different mindset than adults do too. And they don't want to cause and they don't want to be a problem, especially certain children, right? They don't want to, they don't want to sever family relationships, they don't want to be in trouble, they don't want it's embarrassing, it's traumatic, it's all of that, right? And so, and we all do this actually to some degree. We don't want to deal with something hard, so we just don't. And and that just accumulates then the problem just accumulates and it becomes huge. But then once it's out, realizing that you know they are safe, and I would say we joke around that we have a trauma bond, you know, like we're bonded together, and we do, like we have been through it, and that that relationship now, the only thing I mourn from all of that is the sadness that was experienced by that child and the aloneness that they felt. That that is hard, that is hard, and what we live now, we're in the present. This is the present, and and so I have to keep going back to well, what can I do now? What relationship can I build now? So when her two or 21 and 23-year-old daughters were like, We want to go on vacation with mom and dad, I'm like, let's go, let's go on vacation. And when another daughter comes in, it's just like I'm kind of lonely. I want to come into town for like a month. I'm like, come into town. And um, you know, another daughter's have two other daughters and daughter having babies this year, like just helping them move and things like that, always building. We can build, we can repair, we can love, we can encourage, like, you know, the unknowns are the unknowns. And unfortunately, we can't navigate that.

Forwarding Support As A Core

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Well, it is interesting to me because I I'm I'm a mom that's pretty involved with my kids, and I feel like that I get a front row seat to a lot of different aspects of life. I don't have to live it, but I get to experience it because you know they're they're allowing me to be be in that space. But society's kind of hard on that. They look at at young adults and they're like, you should be doing everything by yourself. Why is somebody helping you do that? Why, you know, and and there's this judgment. And I don't know if there's a judgment because they don't have it. Everybody doesn't have it, and so they're like, Well, you shouldn't either. Um, or or what it is, but but how do you how do you deal with that with your peers? Of like, you know, your kids are coming in and out of your life and you're here and there. So is it do you are you just careful of the peers that you surround yourself with? Do you see that?

Meaningful Work After Mothering

SPEAKER_00 40:32

Um part of it is after I turned 40, I stopped caring a little bit about what everybody thought. But um, I think most of all, I just realized that relationships are forever. And that's a little bit of an American now thing that isn't really how our parents were raised. I mean, in a way, like some parents were like, like my husband's parents were like, once you're 18, you're out, like you're not taking care of you anymore. And then, but back in the day, go farther back and go to other cultures, and it's really, I know my friend from South Sudan, when he married his wife and their culture, they he married his mother-in-law too, kind of, and he takes care of her and he loves her, and they provided a home for her. And I think, you know, relationships are we get to decide, like, and what I want to have, I don't want to have an enmeshed relationship where my kids don't feel like there's they can tell me anything and it's safe. I'm gonna tell other kids, or that I need I'm asking them fine questions all the time, but I also want to have a relationship that they we have a relationship still. They were my little people and they're still my people, and I'm still their people, and I'm still there for them. And you know, we don't call every day, but I we pretty much text every day and we have a group chat. And if somebody needs something, like if somebody can provide it, and just that support system, I think. And if you look at like um research on how kiddos and grandkids feel when they have multi-generational like ties, their self-esteem is so much higher than kiddos that don't have that. And I think it's just like this overall sense of like community that will take care of you. And I tell my kids all the time, I'm like, you'll never be hungry or homeless. Like, you never have to worry about that. People have to worry about that all the time. I talk with so many homeless individuals and they don't have anybody to add to their patient contact list. They don't have anybody, no a friend, a cousin, anybody they feel safe putting on there if there's an emergency. And I'm like, that's not their story. It's a huge blessing to have this tribe of people who want the best. And I tell them, I'm like, listen, my siblings are my best friends. Like, it's up to you guys to do that for each other, to be each other's best friends. That's not on me. Like, I can't, I don't try and navigate their relationships with each other. Like, it's up to them to look past each other's flaws and love each other. And you know, that's gonna be something they'll have to do. So, but I can model it.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Yeah, oh, there you go. And it's hard. I mean, if you try to to navigate, I mean, it's like laying everything out on Christmas Eve, um, and making sure that everybody's got you know equal, maybe not same, but equal. And it's like relationships and making sure that you've spent time here, you spent time there. And that in itself will rob you of all joy because it just becomes you know, such such a um numbers game instead of relationship.

ER Stigma, Early Wellness Education

SPEAKER_00 43:56

So yeah, it's almost an impossible task. Yeah, that's almost an impossible task trying to make it L even. Like I'll see one daughter like four times this year, I'll travel to Florida, and but I didn't see her last year. So it's like I feel like I've kind of let that go too, where it's about I can't if someone feels like I'm paying more attention to another, like that's on them. Like I I I love them all. I they're all my favorites. Like, I might have a favorite. I'm not saying if I do, but like I have one that's super easy, let's put it that way. They're all my favorites, and they all feel that, and they all probably think they are, which is a good thing.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

So yeah, that's great. Yeah, we have that too, and they're always they'll say, depending on who's coming, you can tell because they'll open the refrigerator and favorite drinks will be there or whatever. And as a matter of fact, they um they came in for my birthday not long ago, and I knew that Becca and Seth were coming, and so I had prepared for them. I had the things that you know met Becca's nutrition needs, and I had you know some of their favorites, but I didn't do anything for anybody else because I didn't know that anybody else was coming. And then they had this big surprise, and Tori came in and I had to fight myself a little bit of like, but I wasn't ready. I didn't have your drinks, I didn't have your. Um, she's got a gluten problem. So everything I had fixed had gluten in it, and so it was like, y'all, now I had to push that down because the blessing was that they were there, and um, and Isaac considered coming, but it was too hard for him to get here on a quick and too expensive. And it's like, well, don't ever do that again. Tell me. Yeah. So there's all these things that you start dealing with, but like if you try to micromanage them, then there's there's very little happiness that comes out of it.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

Well, you did it. You did the self-talk where you're like, hey, like the story I want to tell myself is that this is a blessing to have everybody here.

SPEAKER_01 46:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

Right. And that you you did that, you turned, but you but but that's what I'm talking about. Like, it's never gonna be done, right? We're never gonna be done having those like chemicals rise up and we're like flooded, and we're like, oh, and then we're like, okay, now what do I want to what do I want to tell, what story do I want to tell myself about this scenario?

SPEAKER_01 46:33

Yeah, because that happens fast. I mean, it's just it does. You've got one, you've got another, and you've got another, and you've got another. So so there have to be some basic core to you. And so if I asked you, what's your core? What drives you the most? What would Monica's core be?

Why Hospital Work And Scaling Impact

SPEAKER_00 46:53

Oh, my core. Um for my probably I love the two words forwarding support. So that's not pushing. That's not even pushing myself, but providing myself, myself with forwarding support for whatever I'm going through, and then providing others with forwarding support. And that looks different for every person. That looks different for the person on the phone from the crisis clinic, it looks different for the person in the emergency room, it looks different for my clients. What does that gonna look like for them? It depends on their needs, right? And so doing that work to get to know someone or paying attention, being aware and attentive. And to me too, like being aware and attentive to like attending to my own hurts and provide myself with forwarding support and then just continuing to grow and learn because wellness education is not something that is high. I it's kind of out there, but it's not, it's in sound bites on Instagram, but like wellness education takes time, it's like great relationships take great effort, like great emotional maturity and wellness take great effort. And putting that time in to doing that is really important to me.

Ambition, Contentment, And Mixed Emotions

SPEAKER_01 48:27

Yeah, it's interesting because it's not a one and done. No, and so that and the time and effort, and I think maybe that's what our society is not. We don't want to put in the time and the effort because it just you you can't see the value, but if you can do it, then looking back. I mean, I just think about I had a lot of things happen um over the last you know three years. Um, my mom passed away, my um mother-in-law passed away, my brother passed away, um, my daughter got married. Um, you know, just so many things. And that's been the fastest three years of my life, you know. And so that's hard. But you realize how impactful it is. And um, one of the things that I I did before mom passed away, I mean, then we were in COVID, you know, before that. Um, and I think that's just had residual effects, you know, that we will see for a long time. But um, but that aside, um, I started doing uh with my uh therapist, I would sit down and I would just write. I would write what we talked about, I would write what I was gonna do about it. I was gonna write, I wrote a plan for you know this relationship or that relationship. And then to go back and read that four years later, three, well, three years later, four years later, it's stunning. I mean, you go where you actually implemented something, and then you see what happened. Um, and I think we don't realize how short that timeline is. It feels long.

SPEAKER_00 50:15

So there's a lot, and with those all of those things happening for you at the same time, I'm glad you had a therapist. Yeah, I definitely got a therapist when um I found out about my girls, and I, you know, I had to, and um the healing process and getting it out, and like you said, just that's a lot for you. But like it's your work to do, right? No one can do that work for us to grieve and heal and repair and all of that. It's it's what we it's what's most meaningful. That's the thing is relationships with ourselves and relationships with others or where we experience their most joy and our most meaningful experiences, also our most pain. Like that's that, if that is where our focus is and that's where we're learning and growing, we're going to see success when we look back, especially.

SPEAKER_01 51:13

Yeah. Well, you talk about wellness education, and then you know, we talk a little bit about mental health. So much of that has a stigma, and uh, you know, why is that?

Handling Doubt With Repair And Growth

SPEAKER_00 51:29

I don't know. I see it in the emergency room too, and it actually bums me out because I'll even see nurses, like just someone's coming in and they're saying, like, I'm, you know, I'm suicidal, or I have a plan to kill myself, and um, it's just a cold interaction. Like, I'm not triaging them, I'm not a nurse, I'm not medical. And I see I see a lot of warm interactions as well. But like, it's it's hard. They did a really hard thing coming in and sharing, and they want help. And but I think this aloneness and not knowing, like kiddos, this wellness education needs to happen in elementary school. What are some breathing exercises? What are some tools you can use? Like, what's going on in your life? Honestly, if we did that, we would also find out about like abuse happening earlier with kiddos. Um, so there's a lot that we need to um do for the younger generation so that they're prepared. I mean, they don't even never mind wellness education. They don't learn to like open a bank account or write a check, or not the checks are much of a thing anymore, but like they don't learn to apply for college and they're going to college in a minute in high school. Like it's just odd to me, like what the focus is. But um, a couple of my kids are homeschooling, and I think, you know, I don't blame them because there's just they're not getting, kiddos aren't getting what they need um emotionally for sure, and other ways too.

SPEAKER_01 53:05

Yeah, I heard something last week where they were talking about um the pandemic did kind of show parents sometimes and give the control back to parents of like, hey, this is what's happening for school education. And some districts and schools and teachers do a fabulous job, but um, but then there's others that's like there's so much time that's just like not doing anything. And and then those life skills are are kind of not taught or or lost. So exactly.

SPEAKER_00 53:37

Yeah. We can do it now, right? We didn't get it when we were younger, but we can also do it now. So and um I feel I would say doing it for myself is very meaningful.

SPEAKER_01 53:49

Yeah, you've you've practiced before you started preaching. So it uh well what sent you down the was there, I know we talked about the you're doing so many different things. So and they're both really emotional, but um how did you decide what you were going to pull into your business?

SPEAKER_00 54:16

Um, as far as like what to focus on in my coaching practice, is that what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 54:20

And then when you're doing the hospital, I mean that's kind of a whole different different it is different.

Aging, Memory, And Legacy Of Love

Choose The Good That Is

SPEAKER_00 54:27

Um, so I actually took the hospital per diem job because back east, a lot of hospitals hire wellness coaches that are not medical for like smoking cessation, or um, if their kiddo has cancer, then they coaches work with the parents, or if the parents have cancer, the the coaches work with the kids and they do a lot of they're mostly called specialists and sometimes they'll get wellness coaching certifications, but generally they're not medical and they're just taught to like someone might find out they have diabetes, and then what's it gonna look like for them? They might even help them like find recipes and just because maybe they always eat out, right? And so just following them along, what I'm finding on the West Coast is that um there's a few companies that hire that are medical, like that if they're insurance and health care, they will hire wellness coaches because they benefit from keeping people out of the hospital. But the hospital that I work at, they make money when people are sick. So the idea was that I wanted to get a hospital affiliation for wellness coaching for a hospital or department of health or something like that, where they're going in and really educating bigger groups because just seeing how with the crisis clinic and with the um just the the business owners that I work with, when you are when you have the ability to impact a lot of people, to me that's so meaningful. I love one-on-one, and it's like it just makes me hungrier to like help more people, like and so that was the idea. And so that hasn't like worked in Washington State right now, but it still will work, and then we're considering moving back east um to like the North Carolina area for what like in a couple of years, and so when my husband's done with his ministry here, so that's still an opportunity, but that's kind of why I took that job, and I didn't realize I would love it so much, um, because it's just like it's coaching at the hospital, they don't even know it. Yeah, but I use all of these tools, and it's so beautiful and helpful in like a traumatic situation to have all of these tools at my fingertips and be able to share them. And I share book ideas with people and cry with them and whatever it is, but um that's just a small part of my month. Um, but it's beautiful and meaningful, and I guess I'm seeking meaning. I think that's what I'm doing right now because raising my family was so meaningful that I'm like, what can I do now that's as meaningful? And that's hard to find, actually. And so it is, it's a whole life, yeah. This is probably this is in second place, though, what I'm doing right now, and it is really wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 57:23

So yeah, that's awesome. Okay, so what's something new or bold that you're dreaming about right now? Ooh.

How To Reach Monica And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 57:35

Um, probably. So I've I've been applying for jobs randomly. If I find something that I can use my coaching in, so like where, but it's it's bigger, like maybe so. Amazon has opportunities and other companies where you have community involvement and you're helping like with food security and housing, and you're helping like lift people emotionally, and they, you know, bigger companies like that have a lot of you know money for philanthropy or whatever, they they hire people to go and you know do something in the you know, a whole state or many states or the whole country. I'm like, that would be amazing. But I don't want to lose touch with the individuals. So it's like, but also like if I'm teaching at a corporate setting or coaching at a corporate setting, a large corporation, then you're impacting everybody there and you're teaching everybody there, and then they're taking that home to their families and they're taking that into their office spaces. And what I was talking about earlier, it's like our influence is so vast, and we don't know it, we don't realize it. Um and so just being able to do even more, I guess. And I don't know what that's gonna look like, but I'm okay with that because I'm really happy where I'm at, but also I'm excited to do more, right? Um yeah, that's that's what I'm imagining.

SPEAKER_01 59:16

How do you balance ambition with contentment?

SPEAKER_00 59:21

That's a good one. Um seeing the good that is, like what is good that's going on in my life right now? What is already working? What am I super happy about? And that's what I find with in the older generation, like maybe like they're like, you know, they're 80 or 90, and they have been through some super hard times, but they come in and they're so happy and they're just so joyful about the simple little things. I give them a warm blanket and they're like, that just feels amazing. And they're like, thank you. And they're like that feel, and I'm like, that feels like Someone loves you, huh? And I mean, just like and it's just so we've just really recognizing what really matters, I guess. So it's the self-talk really back again. It's like, what am I telling? What's my story in my head right now? Can I be excited about moving forward and be happy with where I'm at? Yes, I can. It's like we can be grateful and grumpy at the same time, right? We actually can have multiple. I didn't, I always thought we had to feel like one emotion at a time, but that's that's false. Like we can have multiple things going on. I could be so grateful for my life and also kind of grumpy because whatever, I have a headache or so it's like it's okay. It's okay to feel two ways and it's not a problem unless we think it's a problem. But it isn't.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:49

Yeah. Well, how do you manage doubt when you have doubt slip in of like, you know, you're walking into the hospital or you're having a coaching call or whatever? How do you or does does doubt slip in?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:02

Oh yeah. I'm a human being. Yes, totally. I think what we doubt generally when we doubt is we doubt ourselves. Um we think that we're inadequate in some way, or we um we make a mistake and it's public. Like when I make a mistake at the hospital, it's public. But um, when it's it's public, like if I make an error on a chart or something like that, like, and then just recognizing and repairing, like there's pretty much nothing I can do there that I can't fix. And so just owning it and recognizing I don't have to be perfect. That isn't my job. I'll never achieve that, and taking that pressure off and remembering my value, my core value, and going back to those therapy tools and those trauma-informed tools. And then I'm like, okay, yes, I am feeling weak in this area. And sometimes it's important to know we're weak in an area. It's good information. It doesn't have to be scary, it can just be, I don't really know what to do here. I don't have this experience when I'm playing for a job and or I'm trying to do something different, or I'm reading a book about something. I'm like, wow, I didn't know that. Like I'm I was unaware of that. I'm I'm it's a growth mindset, right? We just we don't have to have arrived. It's a big that beginner mindset of I've never done this day before. I've never had this day, never, you know, have been on your podcast. Like I've never talked with you and you know about all of these different things. I don't have to do it right. There's no right. It's just get in there and do it and learn from what went right and maybe what I wish I was different. So yeah, I definitely, I definitely have doubts.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:04

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I I guess doubts make us know we're alive. What do you think about and what are you what are you looking forward to as you get older?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:17

Um I think the relationships, one of the things I learned in my family relationships specifically. Um one thing I learned when I was taking, I think it was called lifespan development is science class where you learn about how your brain functions at all the different ages. And what's so interesting and cool is that as you get older, your short-term memory decreases and your long-term memory increases. Isn't that interesting? You actually can remember things that you couldn't remember before. And I think that is where that's what I'm making my legacy now. I'm making my story now. Like what is, what are my kiddos? Because I can see how I have taken and do take in what my parents have offered, and it either lifts me or it informs me about what you know, something different I need to do, or different way I need to think, or um, or it's been a stumbling block and I've had to overcome it, or I'm still, like you said, overcoming it's still a stumbling block. I re-overcome all the time. And so what am I creating for that future? And um it's okay. I'm I understand, you know, the androgyny thing. It's like it's that um transformative learning theory where it's like there's adults have to unlearn and relearn as much as they have to learn new things in order to grow. And that's I want my kids to know that that's important to me and that they're important to me. Like, I guess I don't care if I overlove them. Like if someone thinks like, wow, she's really overloving them, or you know, whatever it is. And like, I just when I go to the other side, if they can know that I love them unconditionally, I'm good to go.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:15

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:17

Overloving, I think, would not be a bad term if to your name. So yeah, right. Well, um, Monica, we've talked about so many different things and gone down a lot of different paths. Is there anything that we haven't touched on that you want to make sure that we do?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:34

Um I don't think so, other than just the importance of um just focusing on the good that is again. Like just what is um finding those tools that help you do that. And for me, it's um there's a lot of them, but like waking up every day and being able to see like what's going right. Um there's definitely I have chronic pain, my husband has chronic pain like in our bodies, and life isn't perfect and it isn't supposed to be, and just realizing that we have the ability to really choose our thinking and our mindset and our our view and our focus, and that it's so it feels so empowering to do that and just and to not have it be put upon us or circumstances created. So yeah, that's that's my passion right now and what I share with others.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:44

Yeah, I love it. So, um, how do people get in touch with you or follow you?

Superpower: One Tool For Every Heart

SPEAKER_00 1:06:50

Um, so I almost all my clients have problems with Facebook and Instagram being addicted. So I'm not on Facebook or Instagram very much. I am there, but I'm not um active on Facebook or Instagram at this time. I'm considering it um for the future, but for now, um my website, they can go to my website, Clarity Coaching with Monica Brown. My official name for my business is actually Clarity Coaching and Wellness Center. And um because I'm I'm also involved in like art therapy, and we didn't talk about this earlier, but I am actually accepted into a master's program for um licensed marriage and family therapist. Oh, yeah, yeah. So one thing I've noticed with clients is that sometimes they loop back around to the same issue over and over again. And I feel like it's usually because of unresolved childhood trauma. And we are a whole person, meaning we're the past, the present, and we're the future. And so trying to attend to someone, seeing some of their past and having the expertise to know what to do with that, I decided was important to me whether I and I have actually my therapist is a coach and a therapist and a professor, actually. She's amazing. Um, and I'm like, I want the knowledge for sure, and the expertise to be able to help people even more, especially with what I've learned at the hospital. So I'm gonna start my actually, I'm starting classes next month. Um, so that'll be fun. And it's just one class at a time. It's one professor and one student. It's gonna be beautiful. And I love education, so it'll be good for me. Um, but again, just growing, like just continuing to grow. And um, yeah, they can go to my website, they can send a message, they can text me if they want to. Um, you can pop my phone number on there. I have an email. Um, so yeah, it's I would love to get a hold of people and help them or help their businesses or their families, their whatever relationships are, they're feeling the struggle.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:08

That's fabulous. And one more question. Yeah. If you have a superpower, you get it for 24 hours. 24 hours. You have to use it personally or professionally. What would the superpower be that you would choose? How would you use it? And I always really like to know the why behind it. Goodness gracious.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:29

Um, I don't know. Um, my Southern German part of me wants me to just be able to make everybody dinner and like feed them for a day, feed everybody. That wouldn't be like if it's just one day, that wouldn't be good. Um maybe with what I know now with coaching would be to provide everyone in the whole world the best tool for them for managing um fear, stress, and overwhelm. And um, and they would have one tool. They would have one thing they could use, one thing they could go to to help them deal with what's going on in their life. That would be amazing. I would love to do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:26

That would be amazing. I wish I could grant that.

Closing And Listener Invitation

SPEAKER_00 1:10:29

I know, right? I wish someone could have granted it to me when I was a teenager or 20 or 30. Like I I would have loved that. I would have been so grateful.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:40

Yeah, that's that's awesome. Monica, this has been fabulous. And uh thank you so very much. I know that there have been many gems um in this conversation that the listeners will be able to access and applause. So thank you so, so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:57

Welcome. Thank you. You're so sweet and appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:30

Find Stat Keys Podcast on Spotify, SoundCloud, and iTunes, or anywhere you get your favorite podcast, listen. You'll laugh out loud, you'll cry a little, you'll find yourself encouraged. Join us for casual conversation that leads itself based on where we take it, from family to philosophy to work to meal prep to beautifully surviving life. And hey, if I could ask a big favor of you, go to iTunes and give us a five rating. The more people who rate us, the more we get this podcast out there. Thanks. I appreciate it.