Episode 259 -- Eileen Noyes -- You Can Rebuild Your Life Without Losing Yourself

Fifteen kids in the blended-family mix, a cross-country move, a second marriage, and a mission that refuses to stay quiet. I’m talking with author, speaker, and coach Eileen Noyes about what it actually takes to rebuild your life when faith has been used to control, when your home feels heavy, and when you know you cannot stay stuck on the sidelines of your own calling. 

Eileen shares her path from the pro-athlete world and life as an NFL wife to the painful turn of a first marriage shaped by harmful beliefs that stripped women of voice and value. We talk about what grit looks like at rock bottom, how isolation keeps you trapped, and why letting trusted people in can be the first real step toward healing. If you’ve been searching for hope around spiritual abuse recovery, Christian women’s identity, or how to protect your kids while you’re falling apart inside, this conversation offers both honesty and direction. 

We also dig into a surprisingly practical framework she calls “cleaning house” that applies to your physical space, your body, your relationships, and your spiritual life: address the mess, create order and function, then maintain. We get into early-morning routines, rewiring your mind toward gratitude, resisting comparison, and building a life and business that fits your family instead of crushing it. 

If something here encourages you, subscribe, share this with a friend who needs steady hope, and leave a review so more women can find the show.

Music "STOMP" used by permission of artist Donica Knight Holdman and Jim Huff

Transcript

Welcome To Stacked Keys

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Welcome to Stacked Keys Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Stackhouse. This is a podcast to feature women who are impressive in the art world, are in raising a family, or who have hobbies that make us all feel encouraged. Want to hear what makes these women passionate to get up in the morning, or what maybe they wish they'd known a little bit earlier in their lives? Grab your feet and stop to your own drum. I am super excited today. We're gonna jump right in. I am talking to Eileen Noise, and I welcome you, Eileen.

SPEAKER_06 1:27

Hi. I am I'm saying nice to see you because I am seeing you, even though everybody else isn't, but nice to see you on here.

Eileen’s Family And Calling

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Right, right. Well, I like to do that because sometimes when you're just talking to the air, it's just not communication. So having that eye to eye is is really good. That's for sure. Right out of the gate, Aline, tell me how people know you both personally and professionally.

SPEAKER_06 1:51

Oh gosh. Um, how do people know me? Okay, so personally, I am a wife to my husband Michael of only four years. Um, I am mom to my eight um kids and stepmom to his seven. So um, so yes, if you're doing some math, okay, wait, she's only been married for four years. Yes, so we are both remarried. Um, like I said, I have eight of my own, seven, um, eleven, thirteen, fifteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty one, twenty two, with only one girl in the mix. She's 11. And um, my husband's uh kids range from the youngest being 13, the oldest being 30. Um, so we have uh three grandkids from from his side. So yeah, so that's how they know me. That's how people know me as the mom, the wife, the um professionally, I am um an author. I am a speaker. I founded um the movement Lady Bellator, so it's just getting going. Um, Lady Bellator, meaning uh lady meaning the royalty piece. So she is um she's a daughter of God. And then the Bellator, which actually means warrior in Latin, is that piece of her being, she's the fighter for the family. She ones that stands in the gap. And uh I can't deny that my faith is huge. And so when I say warrior, it is her fighting spiritually for her family, her marriage, her own identity. Um, because as moms and as women, that tends to get lost in the mix. And so my desire is for women to truly understand her identity, her worth, her value, and the impact that she makes um inside and outside of the home. Um, so that's if you would say professionally, that's what it would be. And I'm also a podcast host of the Unsideline Life, which um this is my second season. Um, I had a history my ex-husman used to play for the NFL. And so um, as a woman who dropped everything to join that world, um, it it's just different, you know, dynamics that go into all that. So I bring that up because the unsideline life has, you know, just that kind of analogy or the the um the space of you know just being like sports related. Um but um the unsideline, when you're on, when you're sidelined, it could be anything that's side, you know, keeping you on the sidelines. And so my encouragement again is to get women off the bench, live in their God-given purpose. So I've had two seasons of that last year, was more highlighting NFL wives and the pro-athlete world. This year um is really more focused on um all family devoted women who want to live in just the fullness of who she's called to be. So that's a big, that's a big long-winded answer, but yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Wow. And and it's got a lot of little turns and intricacies to it. So to start, I want to start unpacking some of that. You've got a calling, and you've got a calling from your experience, but how easy it would be to go, I'm too busy. Yeah, there must be something that compelled you to go, no, now is the time.

SPEAKER_06 5:16

Yeah, well, I mean, so um when I talk about my previous marriage, um, it was a it was a marriage that was founded on on the Bible, on God, on family. And unfortunately, um, after 16 years, it took a turn, a very bad turn to um a religious influence that said women aren't created in the image of God, um, that women were just property, that kids were just property, polygamy was okay. Women basically didn't have a voice. Her value and her, yeah, her her identity, and I mean, really going all the way to her salvation was contingent on her obedience to her husband. And so I had to go through that, work through that, you know, wrestle with all that. And so, in seeing how in my own experience, how really the enemy, and I mean, he's real, the devil will try to silence us, quiet us, distract us, discourage us in all those things and what I experienced. Uh, it's when I went through it. I mean, this was my prayer. God, if I have to go through this, then get glory, like make something of it. And so to answer your question, that is why. Like, yes, I'm busy. Yes, there are times where I just think, God, this is hard to step into the coaching, to step into all these things. It is safer and a lot easier to just be stay home mom. And it's past, you know. I mean, this the thing that I went through, that that hard, hard time was seven years ago, um, seven, eight years ago. And so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But I know people are going through it. I know that it's hard for you know, for others who are struggling through it. And so I want to give a voice to them. I'm gonna be an outlet for them, I'm gonna be a safe source and resource for them.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

So yeah, well, and I mean, when you walk away from something that you've been in for a long time, that's pretty tough. I mean, you've got to have some grit that um that comes along. Now, I know being a little wife of an athlete that provides some grit. Yes, so a lot of living on your own, a lot of being in spaces, a lot of letting the limelight and glory be somewhere misplaced or you know, so so that's tough. But where do you think your grit really really came from?

SPEAKER_06 7:48

Um, as you say that, yes, for sure. I, you know, I look back and actually write this in the book. I have had a lot of practice um in getting strengthened in the in the limelight and being in that public eye, in being able to tune out all the noise, because there is a lot of noise, whether you're supposed to look like this, you're supposed to act like this, all the different pressures. There's for sure that um grit, gosh, um grit was developed, you know, again, not only through that, but it took hitting my rock bottom, wanting to die, needing to let people in and getting reality checks from my friends, because I was in isolation for about three years. I I didn't really talk to anybody about it. So you just saw me just quietly, you know, falling apart. Um, and so after after finally letting people in, like I said, that's where I got my reality checks of hey, this is what's going on. And that's where, you know, people were praying for me. And um, really God used a lot of voices to tell me who I was before I was hurt. And when I say that, I'm just talking, you know, like people would say, Eileen, you know, God is proud of you, God is with you, God is you you're strong. And he and I would be hearing these things, and this is in contrast to being told that I'm supposed to be perfect, that I'm, you know, that I'm that I'm rebellious, that I'm not submissive, that I basically was not good enough. And so I'm hearing these things, and it is really any anytime the enemy can use someone's voice to speak, that's what was happening through my ex, through the whole religious teaching that he was in. Um, but yeah, God was just, he just had a way of encouraging me and and anchoring me, not only with people's voices, support, but it was through his word. I had to really go back to the Bible and go, okay, God, like, who am I? You know, who am I? Who are you? You know, so I again I can't, you know, my faith in God took carried me through everything. And I can, there's no way I could even deny that.

Grit, Kids, And Choosing Gratitude

SPEAKER_00 10:11

So well, and at the same time, you're raising kids, and so it's really hard, I would think, to have those voices that you're hearing and the feelings that you're having, and not letting them spill over onto your kids or be kind of the role model that you want to be for them. So was that kind of a tug of war as well? Oh my gosh, you know what?

SPEAKER_06 10:38

If I was to, I don't want to say resay my answer, but for sure the grit came because of the kids. I mean, that was everything. So I would say that God um spoke to me and encouraged me, but for sure, the I mean, the kids were the ones that made me go, no, I have to fight this fight. I have to keep going. Because I did, I wanted to die. I was super discouraged. I felt like I was never gonna be good enough. It was so hard. And I remember just wanting, I was like, God, just take me out. And he said, he reminded me of the kids. And I knew that um it was up to me to, in so many ways, not only physically protect them, but to pray for them, to set a tone for them, to keep turning them back to God, to be an example that, hey, we're not gonna be victims. We're gonna choose Thanksgiving, we're gonna choose forgiveness, we're gonna keep on seeking God, even in not understanding all that's going on. Um, so yes, that for sure, the the grit and the um the fortitude was was just for my kids.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Yeah. So would you say that our daily actions add up to make us who we really are and who we become?

SPEAKER_06 11:57

Yeah. Yeah. And I, you know, uh, so I mean, gosh, it it took we actually had to have an escape plan. So as my ex is trying to take us to, you know, the this cult of the religious place, um he we had it was like a forced thing that he wanted to do. And I knew that we couldn't go. And so here as we had this escape plan, and as we're you know, driving, literally driving an hour away to um and you know, a pastor's house, I said, guys, I said, you know what? We're not complaining. Like this is hard, but we're gonna be thankful because we knew we were gonna go from our huge property, our huge house to, I mean, we we moved into a day a basement of you know another family. And then from there we moved into a duplex. I mean, I mean, just the the irony of it or the the contrast is we had uh a 20,000 square foot home. You know, we had the finances. I mean, it was humbling to go from that to, you know, living in other people's homes, people feeling our refrigerator with with groceries and having to ask for gas cards and having to ask for help. I mean, it was it was definitely um, you know, hard, but at the same time, I think it did actually set a foundation, just the whole daily, like let's not complain. We're gonna thank God. We're gonna be like thankful for however bad it gets. Um, so I I think that there was that was a lot of foundation of um choosing joy, you know, because we always have a choice.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Yeah, wow. And I mean, that contrast, I mean, that you're talking about what you give up. I mean, these things, these things that a lot of people would look at and go, and there's no way I'd give that up. I could just, I could just live in a corner of that and be all right.

SPEAKER_06 13:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

And so did you have to go through that of like, no, can't live in a corner that that's not a safe place either.

SPEAKER_06 13:59

Yeah, I mean, gosh, when you're going through something like that, I mean, it's crazy that you bring it up because I don't even at the time that was, you know, it's like you see what matters most in that kind of situation. And it was really a survival or protection. It was um, it was, it was, it was so hard and so bad that we uh didn't even really enjoy it. I mean, and it's it's crazy because like I said, I mean this is having me having to reflect on seven, eight years ago, where we had a pool, we had a gym, we had a whole lot of land. And for three or four years it was so hard and so bad that no one, I don't I mean, maybe the kids enjoyed it, kind of, you know, but they could feel the tension. And so when the family is not united, when there's just so much fighting and and just um heaviness, gosh, it was like, yeah, all those things didn't even matter. So it it felt um it felt very relieving. And I'm sure for them, you know, I mean, I'm sure for them it's all different, but I know that there was for sure relief from it was heavy, it was very spiritually heavy there. And you know, so we have they have great memories, and you know, I mean, yeah, there was a lot to give up, but again, if there's if the relationships aren't where they should be, then all that stuff doesn't really matter.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Well, uh, you know, a lot of times, and probably a lot of the listeners can't even think in those terms of of having, okay, it's that's such a stark difference that you know sometimes our little things are so subtle that that you don't realize it. But um so as you were a little girl and the dreams you had and the things that you were trying to achieve, did did you ever envision this is where we you would wind up? If you wind up an author, you'd wind up with all these things in your toolbox that you're gonna be able to turn around and and give back. Gosh, uh no, not at all.

SPEAKER_06 16:19

Um that that's that's a I've never I've never heard that question, Joe. I mean, I don't know, I guess I've always loved to write. Uh I I did like that. And um, and I would say that I'm very much an introvert. So um, and I just want to, you know, it's weird, I just wanted stability, you know, like growing up. Um, and it was because of my own childhood where my mom worked, she was a nurse, and you know, my dad was in real estate and insurance. And we had all, you know, we I it was I had four siblings. And I just remember the, you know, just those days of just, you know, we lost a house, uh, you know, just different things that happen to where I was like, you know, I just I don't want riches, I don't want all these things. I just want, I just want to know that I don't want to be living paycheck to paycheck, which is what, you know, what was the case growing up. Um, but I will say that um one, I've seen how God uses all the different experiences to mold us for that next experience. So whether, you know, it is writing when I was younger to being a strength coach, um, you know, it was my first full-time job before I got married, and being able to speak into women's lives and help them with strength physically and then strength spiritually, and then going into the NFL and desiring to do that on a different level. Um, and then even that falling apart, it was like, oh my gosh, like I still get to do what my heart's desire has always been is I do get to help women, I do get to strengthen women. And so went from you know, college girls to now grown women who are still basically we're we're all little girls and they're all you know that that need guidance, that need help, that need just uh the understanding that there's something, you know, more that um that that they're supposed to unlock within themselves.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Yeah. So that's what you do in the coaching is try and help within themselves what to unlock. Are there some specific tools that you try to do? Is there, you know, I I I know we get caught up in the being mindful, self-care, those kinds of things, but um, is there a a way that you kind of encourage everybody to be able to find that path?

Turning Chaos Into A Peaceful Home

SPEAKER_06 18:47

Yeah, you know, it's crazy you asked that question because as I'm as I was um stepping into more of the coaching piece. I I you know, I mentor and done different um facilitating uh life skills was huge. Life Skills International is a huge thing that I was a part of. I loved it. Um I stepped away from that. Well, actually, just because of moving forward and then moving here. Um and then the founder of Life Skills, he passed away. And so they're kind of going through their own transition. So, anyways, as I have been stepping into this coaching, I'm asking God, what is it supposed to look like? How do I come through for my women? And so summer started this past summer, and you know, well, when you have kids, summer just it's a summer shift. And so, you know, as school is ending, I felt like I lost all traction with my coaching, with the writing and all these things. And I felt like God, like God's saying was he was telling me, you know, I want you to clean house. I'm like, okay, you know, it's like okay, obviously, we got like 10 plus people in the house. But I knew as I heard that, I'm like, okay, there's more to that. And so he used the whole summer for me, one to lay everything down that I wanted to do. And he says, Yes, it's time to clean house. And so through this process, he had a direction of what to do and when to do it. It started in the garage, it started in the garage that was full of junk. Our cars weren't even in there. And so basically, I'll just give you a summary. He addressed, he says, you need to address the mess. So stop pretending it like it's not there, stop pretending or stop, you know, like putting it off, address the mess. After you get to the mess, now it's time to create order and function. Once you get to that place, it's all about maintenance. And then he said, You're gonna turn your home into into a sanctuary of my peace, my glory, and my presence. And so that's what happened. And mind you, we moved um three years ago here, like the whole family, and we we didn't see it coming. I mean, in a four-month period, it was like, hey, we're gonna move from Wisconsin to California. So we moved our whole family, got the kids writing to school, my husband's starting his business, I'm writing. The house was just a house, it wasn't a home until literally probably the last three months. And so God is showing me that. He's saying, Do you see the order? Yeah, I mean, he was totally giving me the framework. And then he says, Eileen, this is not only the physical house, this is you, this is your relationships, this is your body. So everything went to that framework, is addressing the mess. Get to this the order and the maintenance or the the function, then get to the maintenance thing. Because once you see what it looks like when it's looking good, but the you know, the after, and like when you're talking about a makeover, when you see the after, you wanna you wanna maintain that. You don't want to go back, and so that's what you showed me. And so that's that's really what it comes down to. And if we take that. Um, I think you know, addressing the mess is the hardest thing. But so many people, I was trying to just kind of bypass that, and we we can't. And so, and and again, more so than the house is it starts with us when when we finally allow God to do some healing in us, and I did have a lot to do with what I went through. I was I showed up differently. I showed up differently when I addressed the mess in my my body. I had to get hip surgery, my my my hips were bugging me for you know, since my last child was born. And uh, I was limping, you know, I didn't know what it was. I'd pushed through working out, and I finally had to go to the doctor and address the mess. And when I got healed, oh my gosh, what a difference! So and walking with a handicap, you know, that doesn't need to be there.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Yeah. Well, I just can't help but think that so many of us do that of like, oh, just shove it in the corner, and especially as moms. I mean, you just go, whose room winds up being the worst? I know. You and and I can remember thinking, well, I can't get on you about picking up after yourself if you come and look at what I've got, and and if you're cleaning up for company to come, shove it in my room, shove it in my room, close it, shove it in my room. And so, I mean, it becomes something that if you can get you know that clear, there just becomes a clarity that you can apply in different places. Um, so if you if you could help somebody really succeed at one thing, what do you think that one thing would be? And I I think we've already kind of established some patterns of that, but but really giving somebody lifelong success.

Identity Without Competition

SPEAKER_06 23:48

Yeah, you know what? I think it starts, or the Bible actually says it says confess your sins or confess your issues to one another. Then you will be healed because it does start with healing, but it means you can't do it alone. And so whether it's a coach, whether it's a mentor, with whether it's a good friend, you have to go to someone that can give you, and like I said in the beginning, a reality check. Like, hey, here's where we go from here. And so I think that that's a huge part of um of anything that we do. It there's the accountability piece, there's um the encouragement piece. There's so many things in that that keeps you motivated and keeps you stepping forward. So I would say that that's the biggest thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Well, you've been around a lot of competition your your whole adult life. So I mean, when you hear that word competition, and I mean it's even competing with ourselves sometimes. But when you hear that word competition, what kind of floats through your head?

SPEAKER_06 24:57

Competition is now something that I choose not to do. And so when you know your identity in Christ, I think that's that's everything. When you know who you are, then the temptation to feel that you have to compete goes away. So for me, a big thing was this realizing okay, I am a daughter of God. Uh, he loves me, he created me for a purpose. He also created this girl and this woman and this person. He created all of us for a purpose. Okay, I don't need to envy her, I can cheer her on because this is her time, this is what he's doing with her. And I may not be, you know, he may be, I may be in a different season, but I know he loves me. He's he's so big that he's not chancing out on anybody. And so that really opened the door for me to go, you know what? I'm this isn't a competition, especially when you get into the coaching or you see, like, you know, in my world right now, like you open social media and I'm thinking, oh shoot, they're they're doing the same thing, and and it's tempting to go, but I go, no, no, God created me for this purpose for specific people who he desires for me to connect with. I don't not, I'm not even gonna go there because it is always very tempting. But that's big for me is just knowing who I am and in in God and what he has in store for me and my purpose.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Yeah, well, and that's interesting because in the world that you're in, you could be calling it market research, you could be calling it something, you know, that would be more, you know, okay. But but you just draw a hard line and you you know your purpose. So do you have like with your business, do you have a business plan? Do you have kind of a a map that you're following or kind of goals or year five year, ten-year, whatever goals?

SPEAKER_06 26:58

Well, you know, so I am so like I said, I've been in and out of coaching, and it's always been prioritizing my family. So, you know, that's only been four years' marriage. Marriage is tough when you're one time around. Marriage is even tougher the second time around when for me I put a lot of pressure because of what I went through, and like all eyes, I felt like all eyes were watching. But then you add 15 kids to the mix, you add moving to California, you add, you know, him stepping out of what he used to do to having um a company of his own, which is doing great. He actually does um uh multi-venture tours on dirt bikes. So he's actually out of town right now, so he takes like um businessmen, CEOs out into the desert, then to the mountains and ending up at the beach, and it's been an amazing trip. So doing all that, I mean, gosh, it's it's it's been tough. So for me, again, it's always like gauging, like God, can I can I do this right now? And so now that I'm officially stepping into that coaching piece, um, it is part of um of who helps me is it's called Kingdom Builders Academy. And so they help me get step by step into what's this next thing. And so I'm actually just launching, like, you know, I was gonna wait till January to do kind of a um, it starts with a 90-day transformational experience that I was gonna start in January, right? Just the whole resolution. But I'm like, you know what? Let's let's be proactive about this. And so this whole thing of cleaning house, spirit, soul, and body. I want to get ahead of the game, and I'm actually just starting with women who want to join me now. So it's one-on-one coaching, but it is getting them through. So it's kind of like the the pre-holiday that oh yeah, get ready. Post-holiday. Yeah, so that we're not working from a negative, we're not working from the hey, uh I have to lose the the 10 pounds I gained during the holidays on top of whatever. And so for me, I want to get her ready again, not just the physical piece, but home is part of it because of the holidays, because of all the social gatherings, and just being able to um be ready spiritually. I mean, that's what thanks, you know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, that um relationally. So that's that's my thing right now is um is starting next week, um, just getting women. I'm I'm doing my calls right now, and that's what I'm doing. So I'm taking a trip to go see one of my sons in Nebraska. And when I once I get back, it's it's just on the phone and and getting it going.

Building A Business Around Family

SPEAKER_00 29:39

So so how do you coordinate this with kids? And I mean, even your adult kids, I mean you're involved with you, still, you know, are finding time and space for them. So, how do you and I talked to somebody earlier and they're a researcher, and they're like, you're not even supposed to talk about balanced life anymore.

SPEAKER_06 29:59

Um yeah, well, now that all my kids are in school, that gives me from 9:30 to 3 on my own in terms of business. But my day honestly starts at 4, 4:30 at the least. And so, yeah, so that is my time. Um, and this is part of also that function and order. Um, I have different systems, and I don't want to say systems, but it is it is a way for me to take an advantage of anything that I can do multitasking. So I'll wake up in the morning, I'll start my, I'll put my pot for coffee. Um, I will turn on worship music, light a candle in that five, 10 minutes. And so I'll put it on low. So it's like boiling water. I'll put it on low so that it's a slow cook, but I'm like, what can I do? So because I'm in that maintenance phase, it's just quick tidying up anything that's in the kitchen. So my plate, it's like I start creating that environment of peace for my family, having that worship music on, having like building that atmosphere. I'll work out during that time, I'll spend time with the Lord, I'll do some writing. I try not to scroll because that will always, oh my gosh, it's so annoying because it does get you. Um, but I do a lot of things before my world gets up. And they were they get up like once it's 6 30, anything goes, anything can happen. So, in order for me to get any sort of solace and any sort of thing where I don't need or like I can't have any sort of distractions, um, that's that's when my day is it's it starts at 4 30. So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

I mean, I can understand that. I I did not, well, I guess I did that with the kids coming along, but um, but lately I go and and I swim at five o'clock every well, I have to leave the house at five every morning. And um sometimes I listen to music as I drive. It takes me 45 minutes to get there, and sometimes I'm just silent. Well, the world is kind of silent at that point. I mean, I've now I get into traffic, you know, as I'm going, but it's a pattern of traffic that you just go, okay, it's there. Um, but you know, just the world just being kind of a low hum.

SPEAKER_06 32:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

And so, I mean, there's something to that, I think.

SPEAKER_06 32:27

Yeah. I, you know, I listened to um, I listened to uh his name is Miles Monroe, and he was talking about those hours. He's, you know, because we're all given 24 hours. That's the one thing that we're on like comfort level ground. And he was just the way he was explaining it, it was just like, you know what, this is your opportunity to make the most where a lot of people just don't. And I didn't, I thought five was good, but there was a I don't know what it was. I there was a time where it's just like 358, 350. I'd get up on my own and I was wide awake, and so I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna go with it. And sometimes I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's an age thing where it's like it's it's getting a little harder, but today it was 356 and I I just got it before my alarm and just started my day. Yeah, yeah.

Hearing God Above The Noise

SPEAKER_00 33:17

Well, I I'm not sure uh about the age thing because I can tell you, I mean, it's um you want to end it a little bit earlier, but you still have all the responsibilities that you still have at the end of the day. But you know, there's a there's a time when you really listen to yourself, and and I think that's what you have said quite a bit through this interview of like you know, getting to the point where you can hear yourself. Do you find that you are a head listener, a heart listener, maybe a gut listener, or a combination?

SPEAKER_06 33:50

Um, for sure, a combination. Um I would say a heart listener, um, but is always confirmed with like the word of God. I I mean like it's I and I I can't deny that, like when or a God listener, I can even say it, is broader than that, because not like I'm always gonna like go find something in the Bible. And and I say that because there were times where um, and it was practiced, you know, when I was going through my hard time, I had my friends go, Eileen, this is a dangerous situation. You gotta leave. You gotta, you know, you gotta leave your your your husband. And I'm like, wait, I'm not leaving. Like, there's no way. It's and I'm saying this when it's years of turmoil. But and and so I I had to I had to ask God, God, I have so many well-intended people, so many well-intended voices. I need to hear yours above the rest. So there was that time. There was a time when I left, and pastors and principals are saying, Hey, you need to go back home. And even then, God, I need to hear your voice above the rest. And so for me, it is really because you have so many voices that are, you know, saying so much. You have so much noise. And so for me, that was that was the key, is is going God, your voice and what you want above it all. And that so that that totally um, you know, it it it trumps my heart, it trumps my head. So all the things and gut, it's it's okay, I I kind of want to do this, but God, what do you say?

SPEAKER_00 35:33

Yeah. Well, and you're right. Wow, everybody has opinions and thoughts, and a lot of times they're not based on all of the facts.

SPEAKER_06 35:43

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:44

When you have all of the facts, and then you have your heart mixed in there too, that's kind of tough. And uh if you aren't studied, scripturally studied, then when it comes application time, it's pretty hard. So are you finding that the more in step you are, the more maybe you don't have to run to the resource because the resource is so uh ingrained and intertwined in your thoughts?

SPEAKER_06 36:16

Yeah, yeah. It it takes so there's physiologically, there's a rewiring. So um, in your brain, it's they say it takes three years to create a habit, like a true habit. And so for me, I would say that um really like you know, take a situation or circumstance. My go-to, I had to rewire my brain to not stress out and to not, you know, think negative, but I had to choose thankfulness. I always thought, okay, God, whatever this is, it's for me. It's not done to me. Thank you in these circumstances. And here I'm retraining my brain to do that. And that's just what I naturally do. So if anything that happens, it's like, okay, like there's something I don't see, there's something I don't understand, but this is going to work itself out. This is, you know, and but it goes the opposite way. So um, so here in having this gratitude attitude, as I remarried and different stresses came, I found that I was focusing on the negative, I was focusing on the negative, I was focusing on what is not good. And I just practiced that so much that it became second nature. And then I had to turn it around again. I had to go, nope, because of the different triggers of a first marriage. Nope, my husband, Michael, I love him, he loves me, we're meant to be together, you know, he's for me, not against me. Like, and so I had to again choose to be thankful and I had to operate in that. And so it took practice to get back to, you know, that rewiring back to gratitude and and and thankfulness and just trust that we're supposed to be together.

unknown 38:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

Well, even in right raising your kids, I mean, you have to constantly go back to kids and say, okay, reset, reset. I mean, that that's mostly what parenting is.

SPEAKER_06 38:14

That's true. I just went to a parent teacher conference. It's that's it's like I'm hearing what she's telling me, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I gotta get back on that. I gotta get on my daughter to get new or get those habits back, you know, because uh yeah, she she stopped putting things in her folder, so we had to get back on that.

SPEAKER_00 38:35

Yep, it's it's constant. And I'm glad that it changes into adulthood. Well, Aline, I mean, some of this, uh you could bring up things from uh the the first marriage into that are kind of controversial, that you could really catch some flack from others. How do you how do you deal with that? Are you I mean, I guess you you rise above, but um that can be kind of scary, maybe.

SPEAKER_06 39:11

Yeah, yeah. Um in in so many different ways. Um but um again, I've always navigated this thing with God. So when you say what you just said, I mean, you could take it for like when I when I was writing the books, what do I say? What do I not say? What can I get in trouble for? What do I say to the kids? And and so everything takes me back to okay, um, God, I want to honor you. And so if I do that, and if I'm already at this place of forgiveness and not bitterness, then what comes out you you can tell when I talk about, you know, people because it's kind of juicy. I mean, you played in the NFL. Every time if I talk to someone or if people are reading my books, there's the gossip factor of like, oh my gosh. But when they read it, it's almost like what happened is diffused in the sense of, Eileen, you never made it about him, or you never made it about dishonoring him. You can tell that when I talk about him, when I talk about the situation, there's facts and there's grace and there's compassion that come out that I don't worry about the controversy. And it all goes back to I know me, I know my heart, God knows my heart. And um, and so yeah, so I haven't really had to address that, or maybe it's out there and I choose not to look. And when I say that, I'm talking mostly from, of course, my ex, who would, you know, because you know, probably I don't know what he knows right now, but I know that stepping out into speaking, that when I knew that God was saying to do it, there was definitely that that thing of like, oh my gosh, what is he gonna say? What is a cult gonna say? What is YouTube gonna say? Because it's all over YouTube. And so there was definitely those things, but again, if God is leading me, then I'm okay. Like he's gonna get me through whatever.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

Yeah. Well, you just you have to have a certain um strength and and recheck. I mean, I guess that's that's what you keep saying. You're going back and making sure that you're in alignment with God, and and maybe maybe that's the difference when when people talk about peace and then getting along, I mean you you've got a a peace that kind of goes beyond what your understanding is. Yes, for sure. And so you can get along, but it would be maybe because of the peace.

SPEAKER_06 41:56

Which part expand on that one.

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Well, you know, if you if you if you were at peace with what you were saying, doing, thinking, believing, and going forth, then it's not very hard to get along in circumstances for doing the right thing. Yeah, I believe is the right thing.

SPEAKER_06 42:15

Yeah, so and and it was weird because I yeah, when I was hearing you, I was thinking in this way, I was a little bit thrown off because I don't, if you want to say get along, like I don't talk to my ex because it's unfortunately just super toxic, but it's not necessarily getting along, but there's nothing that no one it's like you be that there's a thing, you know, you're above approach, like that you can't like no one, no one can say anything. That's so that's the piece, or the getting along is hey, you can't, I'm not doing anything wrong. So that's the thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 42:52

So I I guess it is the above reproach. I mean, you're you're checking yourself to where you you're you're feeling um like you're doing the right things and and empowering not just yourself but others along the way. So um well, when you have to solve a problem, where do you go? Do you have a a friend group? Do you have a I mean you're giving out to these ladies? Who's pouring into you?

SPEAKER_06 43:23

Um, yes, I have a lot of different people. So one, uh getting on my knees and worship music are are are probably it's just right away, you know, because sometimes you can't get a hold of people right away. Um, so those are the two things for sure. But I have gosh, I have a uh a bunch of different outlets. I mean, I've got my best friend who's in Wisconsin, and so um there's this thing called Marco Polo on the phone, like a phone app where you know what that is, right?

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Do you yeah, I don't know the app, but I know I know how to play Marco Polo.

SPEAKER_06 43:55

Okay, so Marco Polo is um it's an app which actually. It's worked my manage, so it's it's an app where you can record yourself, right? And then they can play it at their convenience, so it's not FaceTime because you know, FaceTime is or phone is just the moment, and it's and our lives as moms, it just never is in sync. She's two hours ahead, so sometimes at like five o'clock in the morning, I'll get a Marco Polo from her, which it's like if I'm the only thing, it's like, okay, well, I can't, I can't, you know, talk to right now. But she'll be videotaping herself when she's walking and or you know, when we're getting ready. And so that's helped us to actually, it's helped me to be totally okay in front of a camera. Um, so there's there's her, um, there's my assistant with Lady Bell Tor. And gosh, it's been great because she she has been someone who I mentored, but now she mentors me in different ways. Um, I have, you know, of course, my spouse. I've yeah, I've got uh, I think we have a lot of, you know, just encouraging outlets, depending on what it is. So I've got my relationship outlet, I've got my Kingdom Builds Academy where I have uh it's what is called a student success manager. And so he helps me through different things when it comes to the business. I've got another lady who's close by, she is a mentor of mine, she helps me with speaking. We talk, we just, I mean, it's it's good, but it's always uh it's definitely an intermingling of you know friendship with whatever it is, business, you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 45:26

So that's wonderful. So what subject just makes your brain ache? Ache?

SPEAKER_06 45:33

Ache in terms of like not liking um brain ache. Gosh. It's either math or history. What other subject? Um, my brain ache.

SPEAKER_00 45:52

Well, and within your business, I mean, sometimes we also have you know parts of the business that we are, you know, all over, and then other parts that yeah, I mean, come taxis and I'm yes, yeah.

Writing, NFL Life, And Purpose

SPEAKER_06 46:08

Yeah, there's that. There's um, I think I've gotten better, but you know, let's I'll give an example. As a writer, I love to write and I love that I wrote these books, but the achy part is you know, good writers aren't good um promoters, good marketers. So that part I definitely don't like. I I'm probably in those places right now where it's like, oh, I gotta do the calls, I gotta, you know, get myself out there. So yeah, I I'd rather forgo those parts of the promoting and the marketing. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

Well, in writing, um did you set out to go, okay, I need to write a book, or did it just force itself on you? Like, yeah, I have to write.

SPEAKER_06 47:00

Like I said, I I've always I've always loved writing. And I remember different things, like there was a chaplain, he actually he was uh chaplain for the Seattle Seahawks. So there was a time I think I wrote just like Christmas, you know, those like updating Christmas things. And I saw him somewhere, so he was obviously part of our friend group, and he's like, hey, don't stop writing. Like he was just he was a very big encourager of that. Um, there was another time where I remember um I'm journaling and every this is when everything is fine. And I remember writing pieces of the puzzle or piece of the puzzle, and I and I wrote it and I'm like, oh God, is this a book? Oh, cool. Like, I'd love to write a book, you know. I didn't realize what was gonna go into. Yeah, yeah. So, like, yeah, so um, but it wasn't forced upon me, although I I know exactly when he said it's time to write. And here, even when I wrote my first book, I thought it was gonna be a memoir. I thought it was gonna be all the things that I went through. And he's like, nope, you are writing to these NFL wives, to these pro athlete wives. You need to come in a way where they understand and they can trust you. They need to don't like, you know, you can't go come on strong with all this the intense stuff that happened to you. They need to know that you understand where they're coming from. So that first book is talking about identity, uh, just stepping away from all that you knew to join your spouse. It talks about, you know, relationship with him, relationship with in the family dynamics, the family expectations. I talk about purpose. I talk about the fact that because I didn't, I, you know, for a long period of time didn't know my purpose or I lost my purpose at a shopping addiction for years. Um, I talk about uh strat, you know, uh transition out of the game too, and how both of you again are going through, you know, when I say both, the husband and wife, it is an identity again that you have to find. And which is unfortunately a lot of the reason why we, you know, my ex went the path that he went, it was um coming to a crossroads of of identity again.

SPEAKER_00 49:17

So wow, that's so that's a lot, you know. I we we have such a nation of uh athletics and athletes get put in this certain place, and and it's as if they're equipped to handle all of it, and they're not, and then being part of the family. Um I mean, we're in no way pros or anything, but um, but I my son is involved in the um jujitsu community and just watching them try to get to the top of something, and so they miss Thanksgiving and they miss this and they miss this part of family and they're traveling everywhere and it's and they're cutting weight or they're working out or they're and it becomes so much of their identity.

SPEAKER_06 50:14

Right. Yeah, it's so much uh there's so much of a performance-based um aspect of it, which you know, if I describe it, and I say this again with all compassion, it's the hard the longer you're in it, the harder it is, you know. Not only the physical stuff, and you know, you got the brain, the CTE, all the ailments, but yes, it is hard to acclimate back. And so um with what I saw and what I experienced, it was this thing of going back to you know civilian life, it was everything seemed so feminine because it wasn't barking orders and it wasn't like men on men. And it was like it's kind of like military. It's and it's kind of like I compare it actually to the military and kind of like a prison where all of a sudden, when you step out of that environment, you are on your own. You're not no one's making your schedule, no one is you know on you for the different things. And so going into that cult-like environment that um that my ex found, it was again back to rank. It was hearing barking orders, um, polygamy was okay. So that's embraced. Um, and you know it's it's all about the respect and the catering to the man. So it was it was somewhat, it was like familiar, it was a desire to be just like anybody, part of community. And so found something that fit, unfortunately, you know, in the wrong direction. But yeah, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:50

But I mean, I can I can remember sitting at a high uh college football game, and you know, son is down there, cousin is down there, and you've got people yelling about these kids, and you know, they weren't first string, but they're talking about the first stringers, and you're like, that poor baby boy, I know he's 300 pounds, but he is still a boy, yes. And so I can only imagine, you know, that you're having to deal with that. And then as you as you as the spouse, you're seeing a whole nother side of it. And so it's how you're trying to nurture versus what's healthy for you and them. Yeah, you've had to kind of redefine what nurture might mean.

SPEAKER_06 52:38

Yeah, I mean, yeah, there's gosh, there's a there was a lot of things um during that time. And yeah, you had to, I I I just I knew it, you know, you I knew going into that into it that he was a um kind of high maintenance guy in in his own personality, but then take all the other things where you're arcatered to where you are kind of spoiled. It was a lot, um, it was a lot after the fact. And I knew, gosh, he needs to grieve. And we didn't, you know, he didn't do that really because he went right into building our home. Um, and he got right into you know his next career. Um, but I mean, there's gosh, there's a lot that I look at hindsight and I just think, wow, I I just didn't see all that coming. And and, you know, what could I have done differently? And I mean, there's a lot of that, you know, there's just a lot of uh yeah. But but at the same time, I mean, there's free will. I know that there wasn't, you know, I did the best that I could, and I, you know, it was definitely, I think for me, it was definitely the hardest thing is, you know, you can have your friends supporting you and loving up on you and and you know, making sure that you're okay. But for me, in the situation that I was in, I felt like I needed to know from a man that I did all that I could do. Like, you know, and when when I was, there was a time when I mentioned earlier where pastors and principals were saying, hey, it's time to come home or time to go home. And I just thought, like, you don't, you don't know, you don't understand. And, you know, here I'm trying to be quiet and just kind of going through life, focusing on the kids. Well, then there were moments those same people came back to me and were like, you know, I am sorry. I had no idea that this was going on or that was going on. You were you have been following God, you have been seeking the Holy Spirit. I support you. And you know, so it's like that coming back and just knowing, hey, you you you're doing the best you can. And so um, so that I I just there was something I just needed that. Um, and and thank God I, you know, I I got that because it was hard to go, you know, gosh, am I, you know, was it me? Was it me? Like that, that kind of feeling.

SPEAKER_00 54:58

Yeah, I know. I mean, I think that a lot of us in life, it's you know, you've got maybe there's one person that if they tell you, then you can go, okay. Yes, that's a joke. Yes. And um, you know, I I I know I've had some of some of those people. Well, uh as you're getting older, what do you look not saying that you're older because you're not, but as you are growing in both family and um and in your current relationship, what are you looking forward to?

SPEAKER_06 55:28

A lot to look forward. I'm looking forward to um grandkids, which they're not at all close. None of my kids. One has a solid girlfriend, I'm pretty sure that they'll you know be getting married. But other than that, you know, I'm like, come on, let's let's get this going. So I am very much looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to um that place where both my husband and I are out of the beginning stages of business, you know, because it is a, you know, as an entrepreneur, uh, I don't even I don't even call myself that, but if you if you were looking at the definition or at least the definition that um that I was, you know, that I was kind of informed about is an entrepreneur is basically um finding a problem and solving it. And as a mom, I'm like, oh my gosh, moms are entrepreneurs. Okay, so yes, yeah. So I am excited to go from is this what I was supposed to do, to doing it and going, this is yeah, like this is it. So I am looking forward to that. Although, like I have full confidence, but it's just like uh, you know, it's like what does it look like? Or how, you know, how am I how is it gonna how is it going to uh work in terms of family life? So there's that, and yeah, just spending I'm looking forward to a vacation with my family, like a full family vacation. It's been a while, yeah. So that'd be nice.

SPEAKER_00 57:04

Well, just time to breathe together, yeah, yeah. That gets harder and harder the older they get. So well, we have talked about so many different things, but is there anything that we hadn't touched on that you want to make sure we do?

SPEAKER_06 57:21

I feel like we covered a lot. Yeah, well, no, and I mean I think you know, I think that um every woman needs to know she's more than what she realizes, you know, like that's a big thing, and to not be so hard on herself. And when she gets out of that, when she stops thinking that, she's gonna show up differently.

Where To Find Eileen And Closing

SPEAKER_00 57:49

That I like. I like that little I mean, I like the whole thing, but I really like that last she'll show up differently. Because then you show up differently, and then there's this I mean, there's almost an anticipation, okay. All right, now what? I mean, you're showing what's showing up differently going to look like. So that's a little exciting. How do people follow you, get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_06 58:12

Eileen noise, Facebook, Instagram, the unsideline life is my podcast. Um Ladybellator.com is where you'll find all the links to all that. You'll find the books. I'm working on um Proverbs 31. Um, it's a devotional, so I'm super excited about that. Um, and yeah, you can Lady Bellator is where you can connect with me as is also when I'm getting into the coaching. So, like I said, I'm looking for women who who want to start um on a 90-day transformation, spirit, soul, and body.

SPEAKER_00 58:50

That sounds fantastic. Have one more question for you, Aline. If you had a superpower, you get it for 24 hours. You can use it personally or professionally. What's that superpower going to be? How will you use it? And I'm really interested in how you would uh why you would use it.

SPEAKER_06 59:10

Oh, I I've seen a superpower of um, I think Loki, Loki has it on Marvel. So we're we're superhero fans for sure. Loki has it. There was a girl in another movie, but I would multiply myself. I would, yeah, for sure. Because if I could, I'm trying so hard to multitask. And man, if I could have 10 more of me, oh my gosh, that'd be great. Only for only for a moment, like not that long. But oh, that'd be great.

SPEAKER_00 59:42

Yeah, you'd accomplish a lot, I'm sure. Well, thank you. It has been absolutely a pleasure.

SPEAKER_06 59:50

Oh my gosh, thank you for having me. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:31

Listen. You'll laugh out loud, you'll cry a little, you'll find yourself encouraged. Join us for casual conversation that leads itself based on where we take it, from family to philosophy to work to meal prep to beautifully surviving life. And hey, if I could ask a big favor of you, go to iTunes and give us a five rating. The more people who rate us, the more we get this podcast out there. Thanks. I appreciate it.