The Biggest Disconnect Between Lesbians & Bisexual Women |CIGB Podcast|

In this week's episode I talk about:

- How I might be addicted to mommy issues in a very self sabotaging way.

- The clip of Victoria Monet' & how women approach her & figuring out the biggest disconnect between lesbians & bisexual women

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hi guys, welcome back to the Chemically Imbalanced Black Girl Podcast. If you are new here, this show is a collection of visual and audio existential crisis thoughts from a chemically imbalanced black girl who is me, and my name is Arya. Hi guys, I'm back with another video episode. I'm very excited. I tried to record a video episode for you guys like a day ago, and then my cat started irritating the fuck out of me because they almost knocked my tripod over. And I said, you know what? Everybody in this motherfucking house is going to bed. Good night. So we're trying again tonight. Both of them are right here, they're chilling for right now. I swear to god, if they start fucking with each other, because it's like every time I push the button on this camera, it's like, are you ready to run up? Like they just start fucking up each other, and I don't understand why. But they're laying down for right now. So I'm gonna try to get a hot 30 in for y'all. But how you guys doing? Um, I have a bunch of stuff that I want to talk to you guys about on this episode. Um, first of all, my birthday's coming up. I'm very excited about that. Very excited. Also, I can't tell you guys what I'm doing on my birthday because I genuinely have no idea. Like, I feel like my birthday this year is really gonna test me, you know. I've just been getting a lot of personal stress leading up to my birthday. My birthday is on May 21st, if you didn't know. Um, I'll be 28, which is crazy because I feel not 28, which I don't know how 28 is supposed to be. I'm not even 28 yet, so I don't know. I've never been 28 before, but I just don't feel like I match that. But I guess I do. But you also know, like, I think I look 28. I do think I look 28. I just don't feel 28 because I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, like I said, because I've never been 28 before. But I feel like I do look 28, and a lot of people tell me I don't, which is a good thing. But the problem is that everybody that's younger than me also look 28, and that's the goddamn issue. That's the problem. I got a cousin right now, 18. She looked every bit of 27. Like, what's going on? And it's not even that she grown or anything like that, it's just like it's something in the milk, like it's something in the stat water. Y'all gotta stop drinking that shit. They they fucking up, they fucking up something there. See? See, see? Hold on, I'm about to go lock my kids in a room because I I hope y'all heard that. Cause I'm not crazy. Like, it's like as soon as I get relaxed into my zone, they start fucking my house up. Hold on. You guys are gonna make mommy beat you on camera, and then everybody's gonna say, Oh, he's an animal abuser. I'm not an animal abuser. Nobody sees when y'all skyrocket off my fucking head in the middle of the night. Nobody says anything about that. They're a human abuser, nobody says that shit. Okay. Sorry guys, I had to lock my children up, but um, what was I talking about? See? Lord have mercy. But anyway, my birthday. Um, oh yeah, talking about being 28. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was talking about. Thank you. See it's the weed. No, it's not joking. Um, but yeah, the kids, the kids look old as fuck now. It's crazy. But um, I'm gonna try to take myself on a little personal vacation like I do every year. Luckily, that's something that's been constant in my life that I've been able to do consistently since I was about 20. Um, is I try to go either out of state or out of country by myself for my birthday on my birthday. Um, and it's been it's been pretty good so far. We've we've we've had a steady eight years going on, so um I love it, and I'm really excited. I'm excited about getting older, which is crazy, because if you would have met me a couple years ago, bitch, 30 was just not in the ballpark, and now I'm just like, damn, I'm really finna be 30. Like, and that makes me that's such a haunting feeling. Let's just get let's just get a little deep for a second. Like, for anybody that is currently suicidal or used to be, like, even in those little pockets of where you're enjoying life, or if you're somebody like me who is just like, all right, let's give this life shit a try. There's still that line though, you know what I'm saying? Do you get paranoid when you start to be like hopeful? I know that sounds so crazy, but it's just like like I feel like somebody was like, nah, this is what you wanted, right? Like, I just feel like I don't know, like anytime I start to feel like, damn, my life is going pretty well, or like I start to feel like gratitude, I'm just like, like I feel like somebody about to hit me, like, because I used to want to die so bad, bro. Like, really, really bad, like, real bad. So, I don't know. Hopefully that feeling goes away. Cause I don't know what it is, I don't even know what to call it, but it's just like don't no, I'm sorry. Like, like, why do I feel bad about enjoying my life or like looking forward to life? That's so that's such a that's such a fucked feeling, and I'm doing it to myself, you know, like it's all in my brain, and I know that, but so was wanting to kill myself, so it's a powerful thing. It's a powerful thing. Like, no matter what I do, I'm gonna be fucked up. That's so crazy to think. Well, at least I know that, you know what I'm saying? There's people out here like, no, I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm not fine. I'm funny though, so hey, you know what I'm saying? If you if you're gonna be fucked up, you at least gotta be funny, or you know, or smart as fuck. I am not that smart. I can spell a whole bunch, I can read the fuck out of a book, but um, I don't know. I don't know if I would classify that as smart. But guys, I want to get a little personal in this episode. Um I want to talk to you guys about some of the things that's been bothering me lately in my personal life. Um, because I feel like I've been keeping you guys like aloof. And the whole point of this podcast was so that I could express my feelings to see if anybody else has ever had that feeling. So you hear my cats fucking at my bedroom? Crazy. Um So I've been having I've been having some um difficulties with my birth mom. And I know I can hear you guys now, like, why do you keep talking to this bitch? I don't know, because I think as much as I love cutting people off and for people to give me a reason not to ever talk to them again, I also am a victim of self-sabotage. So it's just like if I know something is gonna hurt me, I don't know. Like I just I don't know. Like sometimes, like I just said, like sometimes I feel like I deserve to be hurt, so I just be like, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I'm fucked up, but so I know I I've gone no contact with this woman more times than I can fucking count. But when my grandma passed away, we kind of just you know, it just kinda happened. I'm talking to her like she my girlfriend, but we just kind of started talking because she lost her mom. I lost literally my best friend, so you know, we kind of leaned on each other, started talking on the phone, texting each other and stuff like that, just to keep each other comfort because losing my grandma was absolutely crazy. Like that was crazy. That was crazy, it was crazy. Um so yeah, and then I have to get y'all on a Patreon because there's so much deeper shit that I want to say about my family, but I just can't because I don't want that to be on the internet for free. But they did some real odd shit after my grandma died, right? Which is cool. I charge it to the game a few weeks ago, or maybe last month on the first, it was my grandma's like death adversary, she's been dead for a year, April 1st, last month, and uh I woke up at like 7. Or no, my mom called me and she woke me up. 7 a.m. I'm already I was emotional the day before, so of course I was emotional on the first, and my mom calls me. I'm in my bed, sleep, cry at myself to sleep, eyes all puffy and shit like that. I pick up the phone, hello. She's like, hey, you know, like how you doing, how you feeling? And I'm like, bitch, I'm sick to my stomach. I'm gonna kill myself. Like, like, why why would you ask me that? You know, so but I didn't say that. I was like, you know, I'm good, I'm all as doing good as I can, you know, being sad. So we have this nice, sweet conversation. We were talking about stories from my grandma, reminiscing all this stuff, like cool, cool, cool, chopping it up. It get around nine, nine o'clock. Mind you, I told her she called me at seven. And I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna let you go because I gotta get started my day. Like, I gotta do laundry, I gotta like clean my shit, like I gotta start my day. I gotta go to the gym, like I gotta do a whole bunch of shit, and I gotta go to work later. Crazy. Um, she was like, Well, I don't want to get off the phone. Okay, that's what I say. Okay, um, I'll just put you on speaker and I'll just start doing my shit while we're on the phone. Knowing damn well I want to hang up and I should have hung up, and I fucking should have hung up. This is why you do not listen to this side, you listen to this side. Yeah, I should have hung up. So I put on a speaker phone. I'm starting to wash dishes, I'm separate my clothes, do laundry and shit like that, get my cats together, sweeping and shit like that. I'm just doing house shit. So she's telling me stories and shit. I'm like partially listening and shit. I'm like, uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Damn. I know that's right. You know, giving her all my buzzwords and shit, right? So I lock in when she starts out of nowhere, bitch. Out of absolutely nowhere. She starts going off like, yeah, because your depression, mind you, this is when I started listening. I don't know what the fuck she was saying before. I should've I should have locked in a lot sooner, but tell me what some your depression didn't start until after you started living with my my adoptive parents. I'm oh I'm like sweet. I turned my head to that motherfucking phone. I go pick that phone up. I was like, what would you say? She goes, Yeah, um, you were never a depressed child. Um, your depression didn't kick in until after you started living with them.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

I was like, Who you talking to?

SPEAKER_00 10:55

You know what I'm saying? That's that's that's what I said. I was like, who you talking to right now? Are you talking to me? Like Zarya? And she was like, Yeah, I was like, that's so not true. And she was like, it is true. This is what my mom said, y'all. This is the woman who's I can't like who gave me life. She goes, it is true because I had friends that were therapists that y'all didn't know about come to the house and talk to y'all, and afterwards they never said that you show any signs of being depressed.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

I said, Okay, I'm gonna tell I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you two things, okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

One, this is what I said, verbatim. The first thing I don't know if you think this, but tricking the motherfucker who went to school for psychology and never got a degree in it to come talk to your kids about some shit that you know you can't talk to your kids about, and then reporting back to you as if all three of these kids don't know what the fuck is going on, is not putting your kids through therapy. So I don't want you to think that you gave us any type of therapy or or you know what I'm saying? I don't want you to think that you got us any type of verbal or mental stimulation or help. I don't want you to think that because you never did. I know exactly what friend you're talking about, and that nigga was not a therapist or a psychiatrist of any of the sort. He went to school for psychology and didn't finish.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

So take that dip off your chip.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Because we knew that. Second, there was nothing you could have done. This is what I'm telling my mom. I was like, there was nothing you could have done with us as children to get us to open up to you, me specifically, you know what I'm saying? Because I learned how to cope and shut the fuck up emotionally, very young. You know what I'm saying? And I noticed that when I had big emotions, mommy had even bigger, worse emotions. So, you know what I'm gonna do with my emotions? Cut the motherfuckers off. You know what I'm saying? Like, let's not have none of those. You know what I'm saying? Apparently, we're not supposed to have none, you know. Every time I show something, this bitch gotta overpower me and mad. Like, damn, I told you I broke my toe. Why the fuck are you why am I got about to get a beaten? You know? So that's horse shit. She keeps going. Um, well, you know, I I just don't believe that, and da da da. And I'm like, I can tell you my first memory of me thinking I had depression. I can tell you right now. And she was like, Well, what was it? And I tell her this story. I don't know if I ever told this story up here, but I'm pretty sure I did, like in a deep, deep, deep episode. I'm pretty sure I have. So, this is when we were living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, and I had got out of school. This is the one of the only times me and my sister and brother went to the same school because we all went to three different schools. Why? I don't know. This bitch was out of her fucking mind. Three different school districts, mind you. So, we all get out of school, we get off the bus. As soon as I get off the bus, I immediately go to my friend's house. My friend's house, the back of her, the front of her yard, I could see it from the back of my house. So I used to just hop the gate, go straight to her house, right? I was at this bitch's house from like 2 30 because we got out of school at 2. So from 2 30 to like 7, that's when my mom got off work, right? So, because in her front yard is my backyard, I can see my mom pull into the house, right? And I'm like, okay, bitch, I gotta go. I hopped the gate. My mom sees me coming from the backyard. Me and my mother walk into the house at the same time. I still have my motherfucking book back on, right? Never took it off, never even walked in this house. From from the school bus, I went to my friend's house. Me and my mom walk in the house at the same fucking time. Hey mommy, you know. I go to the bathroom because I done been outside all goddamn day. You know, book bag dirty from being in the sand, you know what I'm saying? We was out there wrestling and shit. I go to the bathroom, I gotta pee, wash my hands and shit like that. I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom went into the living room and somebody had pissed on the chair in the living room. I don't know nothing about this because I was outside all goddamn day. The only people that were in the house were my older sister and my older brother. So I guess while I was in the bathroom doing my shit, they told her that I pissed on the couch. Which tracks because I did have a little bit of a pissing problem at the time, you know what I'm saying? But I was a traumatized child, okay? And it was only at nighttime. I would never piss on anything in the day. I'm not a fucking animal. So I come out the bathroom, I'm thinking everything cool about y'all. I walk into the living room, my mom punched the absolute fuck out of me in my face, punched the shit out of me. And I'm I'm dramatic, so I fall all down and shit like that. I slide down the wall, I'm screaming and crying. And she is just cussing me out about pissing on a chair that I didn't piss on, you know what I'm saying? And like I cried when she initially hit me, but when she was yelling at me, I stopped crying because I'm realizing like I don't know what she's talking about, you know? And because I couldn't defend myself and because I couldn't do anything, because I was so young. If I was like seven or eight, I would have, I would have, I would have said something. But I was like, I was like five. I don't know how old I was. I was young though, I was really young. Like this is a very fresh memory. Um so I remember I'm just stopping, I'm just stopped crying. I just stopped crying and I was just holding my eye. But in my head, I was like, So this is my inner dialogue as a five-year-old.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

So I know I didn't piss in a chair. They know I didn't piss in a chair. If I walk outside right now and jump into traffic, what's gonna happen?

SPEAKER_00 16:57

You know what I'm saying? Like, I just remember not even wanting to be there anymore because I was like, you didn't even wait to hear my side of the story, you know what I'm saying? You just automatically believed him, and you watched me. You watched me come into the house with you for the first time. That was crazy. Do y'all know as I'm telling this lady this story? The first thing that this woman says out of her mouth, y'all, I am not lying, I put this on my life. She goes, I didn't punch you in the face, I backhanded you. I'm you know what? You know what? My bad, my bad, for not getting the facts right on that motherfucking part. My bad. I said, I said, do you really think I called her by her first name? I said, do you really think and I started laughing because I was like, there's no way. Do you really think that that was the appropriate response to what the fuck I just told you? This is how I'm talking to my mother, y'all. To my mother. So then we start getting deeper into it, and I'm like, you have to realize that. And then my mom, her her defense is I knew I was the best mom in the world, and I eat that shit up every time. You weren't, you weren't, you weren't. One of the worst, actually. Bitch, if they had an award for the worst, you wouldn't be in the teens. I tell you that. You'd be you'd be top ten. I'm telling you. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not about to let you guilt trip me into being like, oh, you weren't that bad. You were. You were, you just were, and you're gonna have to eat that. You're gonna have to eat that. But she wants people to satiate her and be like, no, it's okay. You were it wasn't okay. It's still not okay. You lucky we don't live in the same state, or I have two pieces the fuck out you in the middle of this conversation. So now it's starting now that now the conversation's starting to get loud and shit like that. Now we're starting to like actually argue, and I'm like, you have to realize that some of the shit you used to say and do to me, like you wouldn't do that to nobody except somebody you hate, you know what I'm saying? Like you used to hate me, almost like I gave birth to you, bitch, and brought you life. You know what I'm saying? I used to be so confused on why you would ever do that and talk to a child like that, especially your child, let alone any child. And I was like, one thing I say to my mom a lot is the axe never remembers the tree. I used to say this to her as a kid. I was like, you the axe, bitch. You are the axe, and you have never been able to grasp that a day in your life or a day in my life. You are the axe. So all this shit used to do to me, all this shit used to get done to me, all this shit used to say to me, of course you don't remember because that shit was just Tuesday at four o'clock for you. For me, it was like I was like, I was scarred, like that's crazy. And I was like, all this, all the stuff that I think about myself, the reason I think I'm not attractive, and the reason I don't know how to be in a relationship and I don't know how to be somebody's partner, is because I hear you are my inner dialogue. It's not me, it's you, it's your voice telling me I'm fucking stupid and I'm ugly. Mind you, you the one who never graduated. Never mind, never mind. I'm not gonna dig. I'm not gonna dig. But it's just like I was telling her like everything negative I feel about myself is because of you, because I heard it come out of your mouth first when I was young as fuck. So how the fuck am I? You know what I'm saying? I all this all this confidence that I have now, all this audacity to say what I want. I taught myself that. I raised myself into the adult that I want to be, so I'm not blaming you, and that's what she was she was starting to cry and shit like that. Well, I guess I just failed. You did, but I don't need your apology now. A bitch about to be 30, you know what I'm saying? But what you can't do is ask me how I feel, and then diminish how I feel by saying you didn't mean it or you tried your best. I don't give a fuck. I'm not blaming you. I don't need you to take responsibility for that for that shit no more. But when you ask me a question about it, you need to be able to eat what the fuck I'm gonna tell you. Period. You know what I'm saying? Fuck taking accountability. I don't care about that, but you're not about to take away my experience. You can say you didn't do that shit all day long, but then just don't ask me about my experience involving you if you don't want to hear that shit. Plain and simple. Plain and simple. I do not need you to apologize, I do not need you to defend yourself. All I need you to do is listen, especially when you ask me the motherfucking question first. So then that pissed her off even more. And she, if there is anybody who has mommy issues, daddy issues, parents know how to push your fucking buttons and they push them so specifically because they created the motherfucking buttons, right? So she starts popping off at the mouth, talking about some well, they're not your parents. And I was like, Yeah, who? My adopted parents? I was like, bitch, yes they are. Have you lost your fucking mind? And she was like, no, they're not your parents. And I was like, the audacity for you to say these people aren't my parents when you haven't parented me in over 15 years. Or longer than that, bitch. And even when you were legally responsible for me, you verbally, vigorously all the time said how you didn't want to be. You know what I'm saying? So the audacity for that to even come out your mouth is wild. And I said that, pissed her off even more. This is how I this is where she starts to push my specific buttons, right? So if I haven't said it before, which I know I have, because I talked about depression deep, deep down in the way episodes. If y'all are new here, y'all should go listen to those. They was real, real, real topic heavy. But um, I have depression um and PTSD, right? And a part of my PTSD is abandonment, right? So really I have abandonment issues, is what I'm trying to say.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Um and uh I lost my train of thought. Hold on. What was I just talking about? Wow. Oh my god, I just lost it. What just happened to me?

SPEAKER_00 23:30

Oh, okay. Sorry, I got it back. That was weird. I felt like somebody just snatched it and threw it back. Um so I don't have the type of heart that can handle people say that can handle hearing people say why they don't want to be with me or why they don't want me around and shit like that. Like the reason I have no problem with ghosting people is because that's what I would prefer people to do to me. You know what I'm saying? Like, I would really rather if somebody didn't want me, if they wanted to stop being friends with me, if they wanted to not be in a relationship with me anymore, I would much rather them just say nothing and just by just leave, you know, because it's that lost puppy syndrome again. Like I was telling y'all before in the older episodes, like I just can't my brain and my emotions and my heart can't fathom that. Like, I don't need closure. I just need if you're gonna leave, just leave. Because you leaving is gonna hurt a lot less than you telling me why you're leaving. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just can't do that, I can't handle it. Um, that's like my kryptonite. So this bitch is gonna say, Well, if those are your parents, then I don't want to have a relationship with you, and I don't think we could talk anymore, and I don't want to be your mom. And it's just starting to make my eyes water. Not that this bitch has ever been a mom, but it's just like I can't hear stuff like that. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not about to let you hear me cry on the phone like you hurt my feelings, like I'm some soft ass bitch, which I am, but you don't need to know that. So I hung up on her. Ten minutes later, I tried to smoke a blunt, my handshake, and I can't even enjoy my favorite candy and shit because you done pissed me off so much, bitch. I was mad as hell. Ten minutes later, she sent me this long ass text message, like you so quick to hang up and and and cut people off in conversations, you didn't even hear what else I was about to say. That's fine. Then all this other shit that I didn't even really read. I sent it to my friend and had my friend was like, it wasn't that bad, because I it was a long ass text message, and I was just like, I I I just I can't, you know, so I didn't even really read it, to be honest with you. But I read like the first couple sentences, but um, and I sent her a text message back, mind you, without reading it, and I was like, the biggest disconnect me and you have is because from the day I was born, I've always felt like you didn't want me, and you've had this imaginary beef with me since that day, and I don't understand why. Because I was a kid, and now that I'm an adult and we don't talk as much, it's like you still trying to punish me for this imaginary beef that we have, and and I don't know why we have it, you know what I'm saying? Um, and I was like, just the same thing I said before, like, I'm a grown-ass woman now. I don't need you to defend yourself, and I'm not trying to blame you for anything. But when you bring up the topic of why I am the way I am, it's gonna always lead back to you negatively. And if you do not like that, you cannot keep bringing these type of conversations up when you talk to me because I am not your other two kids. I'm not finna spread your ass and kiss your asshole. I'm not, I'll shoot you in your fucking you know what I'm saying? Like I'll I'll beat your ass before I ever kiss ass. I'll I promise you, I'm not that child, you know. So and then oh god, y'all. This story runs so deep. Hold on. So after we send after I send that text message, we don't talk for like a month, right? So I wish I could tell y'all what was so shisty about what they did when my grandma died, but I'll tell y'all on the Patreon. I'm gonna make the Patreon a dollar too, because I want y'all to actually like go over there, and I hate the thought of breaking people pockets just to listen to me talk. Like I want the money, but like I would rather have it from like a sponsorship than y'all, because like I don't even want like you know, I just don't like that. But so I'll tell the fuller story in Patreon, but without talking to my mom, right? My mom, a few days ago, I get messages just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. My phone blowing the fuck up, just ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm like, bitch, I ain't in no group chat. Who the fuck is that, you know? And it's my mom, and she is sending me pictures in Paris of her in Paris, and I was like, that's beautiful, you know. Love that for you. Oh, y'all are not gonna understand why this pissed me off until I tell you this story. Okay, so a couple months back, we are real personal. Wow, I feel like I love y'all. A couple months back. Um, my biological sister who I have by this mom, her car got fucked up, right? I have two nieces by this sister, and uh this sibling, this sister has just always been my mom's favorite, is dead ass the only child my mom meant to have. I'm not lying. And so she's we treated her that way our entire childhood. And um I'm in Florida. My sister is also in Florida, she lives in Orlando. My sister my mom is still in Virginia Beach with the rest of my uh biological family. And uh so I'm out here by basically by myself as far as biological family. My sister has a man and her two kids, right? Um, and I live by myself, and my parents, my adoptive parents live on the other side of town. Um and so, you know, a bitch would like some help, but I I'm not gonna ask for it because I just don't like to ask anybody for help. Like I'd rather just be dangling, right? I literally would, like self-sabotage all the way down. Um, and that's important to know with the story I'm about to tell y'all. So my sister, me and my sister don't have that good of a relationship because she dropped my character a few years ago, and I was like, Bet on my on my life, I'll never talk to you again. So I've been keeping that up. Um, but uh she's just not, you know, hella D Uise, very much an alcoholic. Um, and she always just been like a mean-spirited person. She probably not that way now, because I haven't like had a conversation with her in like five years, so hopefully she changed. But from like childhood and teenage to young adult, she was just a fucking mess in every word of a way, which is so frustrating because if anybody has a lot of siblings, more than two, there's one child that's kind of unspokenly considered the golden child, right? This child has everything set up for them, their future is just literally glossed the fuck up. Like, you if anybody gonna get it, you gonna get it, you know? And that's how my sister was, and she just fucked it, like fucked it all up to ass, no lube, you know, just ruin her life. Um, and so it's frustrating because just like damn. But um a few months ago, my sister fucked her car up doing god knows what, and um my mom gave her $5,500. That's a lot of money to give somebody, right? So my mom called me to tell me she gave her $5,500. And if y'all haven't been able to tell by now, when I hear stupid shit, I'm not the type of person to be like, oh, okay, good, let's get you. I cannot be fake. I cannot be fake, especially if you bring it to me. If I stumble upon you and you say some stupid shit to me, I'm gonna be like, oh, okay, and I'm gonna keep it pushing. When you bring it to me, meaning you want me to speak the truth on it, or you want to hear what I think about it, I'm gonna tell you exactly what the fuck I think, and it's not gonna be good. So I was like, Are you stupid? And she was like, Excuse me, and I was like, Why would you give somebody with more than two DUIs $5,500 for a car? You know what I'm saying? That's weird. That's real weird. And she was like, Well, she needed it, and you know, I just couldn't bear thinking about her and the girls walking outside, and I was like, Don't she live with a man? Her man couldn't have given her $5,500, her man couldn't have helped her get a new car, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's weird. And she was like, Well, and I was and and assuming, I was like, I don't understand having a man and asking your mama for $5,500, you know what I'm saying? Like, that don't make no sense to me, especially when y'all got a kid, like somebody need, you know what I'm saying? But I'm mad, I'm being a dickhead, you know. So my mom goes, well, she didn't even ask, she was just telling me about it, and and I told her I would spot her to $5,500. And I was like, uh, okay, that's weird. And I was like, can I can I ask you a question? She was like, Yeah. I was like, Do you see how it would make me feel some type of way? If I've been in Florida for three years by myself, doing all this new shit, you know what I'm saying? Like getting a new place, like trying to get a new car, like all this stuff. And I'm the youngest, mind you, I'm the youngest. All of my other similar are already in their 30s. I'm the only one still in my 20s. I am the youngest child. I was like, from how you used to treat us in childhood with Taj, that's my older sister, to now, you don't see how I would look at that as favoritism. You don't see how that would hurt my feelings, how you just have always given this one kid everything they could possibly think, and then look at me with so much disdain. Like you don't even have an afterthought of if I may need help or anything like that, right? This is what she said to me. She was like, Well, you're just always so cut off and shut off from everybody, nobody knows how to get in contact with you and stuff like that. And I was like, All you gotta do is call me. You know what I'm saying? You act like I got everybody blocked. I did for a while, you know what I'm saying? Because y'all did some shit that pissed me off. But if you really need to get in touch with me, all you gotta do is call me, all you gotta do is text me. Like, I am not that, I am not, I am not the Grim Reaper, bitch. I'm really easy to get in contact with, especially if you need me. You know what I'm saying? And I was like, it just makes me feel validated in how I think you feel about me, because you have just never gave a fuck about me. You literally never have, like, and I don't know what I did to make you dislike me so much. Like what like what I did to make you not want to help me in the same way you helped the other two. This bitch say, Well, you don't ever ask me for anything, you don't ever do this, you don't ever do that. I said, You just said that she didn't have to ask. You just said that she didn't ask you for that money. You just felt that she needed it and you gave it to her. You know what I'm saying? So you're proving my point either even more. Why the fuck is it that she don't have to ask for shit? But because I don't ask for shit, then you never give me shit. I said you just contradicted the fuck out yourself. You just literally proved that you favor that child over me. You just said it. Well, she didn't have to ask. I knew she needed it. You know I need help. You know I'm out here by myself, you know I live alone, you know how expensive everything is, you know what I'm saying? I'm your youngest child. That means I'm this is my first time doing all of this shit more than any of your other kids. But I'm the one who have to because you want to see me beg, bitch. That's what it is. That's what it is. I'm gonna tell y'all another thing. When I was getting adopted, um I was in the courthouse, right? My mom didn't know I was in the courthouse. It was my mom, my aunt, and my mom's friend. And she was signing her um her rights over to like away, just to like not be my parent anymore. Um I heard my mom and my aunt talking shit about me, saying that I think I'm better than everybody, and I've always had like this thing about me since I was a child, like I just always thought I was better than them and shit like that, and it's just like and and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt my feelings when I overheard that and shit, because I was like, what the fuck have I ever done to make y'all think I'm better than y'all? But it's the choices that I've made in life that are better than the choices they make in life, and I do them consciously and I do them on purpose, so I don't live y'all fuck ass life, you know what I'm saying? And if you think that I think that I'm better than you because of that, that's not my fault. You know what I'm saying? You should have done better. Y'all favorite line is you did your best. Your best was shit. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, I don't give a damn, you know? So I think because me being a flight attendant and traveling all over the world and me not dating hood niggas, because my mom, every bitch in my life, only date hood niggas, and I do not like that. You know what I'm saying? I don't want my nigga to tow a gun, I don't want my niggas' pants to be all sagging, I don't want him throwing up. I don't like that. That's not my shit. Love a hood nigga, respect a hood nigga, be bros with a hood nigga, but you're not finna we not finna be any type of romantic thing. You know what I'm saying? And I think because my mom has always looked at me in that way, she wanna see me grovel. She wanna see me in the gutters. I'm not lying to you, like this bitch wanna see me fail so bad. Because then she can be an olive branch, then she can reach out and be like, oh, see, now you need my help. Now now mommy's here, and that's some wicked shit. That's some wicked shit. That's exactly what it is, and that's exactly what it always has been. I've always been a recluse in my emotions, in the way I feel, in my celebratories, in everything. Anything that I've ever celebrated, I want it to be by myself. I've like I've just always been, I've always known that if I'm by myself, can't nobody disappoint me. I've been locked in like that for a long time. And I just know that I don't want to live a bad life. That's why I don't want no kids. I don't want a life that I want to take a break from. I don't want to live a life that it's not fun, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to live a life that I'm like, well, I can't wait till somebody come get these fucking kids, or you know what I'm saying? So I'm purposely moving in a way so I can enjoy my life, you know what I'm saying? And they fucking hate that, and that is so crazy. That is so crazy to me. But what can you do? So, knowing with that story that she gave my sister the $5,500, and then seeing those pictures of her in Paris, and I mean she's living good in Paris, boat, tour, food tour, hotel, pool, hot tub, you know what I'm saying? Living good in Paris, living great in Paris, and I'd have been to Paris before. I didn't even know you could do half of that shit, you know what I'm saying? So you can kind of guess the funny shit that they did after my grandma died. You know, you can kind of piece it together. If you if you got it up here, you can kind of piece it together what the fuck I'm trying to say. Um, and like I told y'all on that episode of me sobbing because my grandma passed away. Like, me and my grandma were like this. My grandma didn't even give a fuck to say that I was her favorite child. She she didn't give a damn. She was like, You everybody know I don't give a damn. You are like, you just are like me and my grandma was the same motherfucking person. Like, I was her doppelganger for sure. Like, without the looks, but emotionally and personality-wise, I was her doppelganger. And I we used to talk about it all the time, like, which is crazy. Cause I mean, my grandma was depressed, so we talked about dying all the time together, you know what I'm saying? Not together, but like separately together, you know, like at different times. Um, and so I will always tell her, like, I wanted her house, I wanted her to leave her house to me, and stuff like that. Like, I was picking out little knickknacks of hers that I would want after she passed away and stuff like that. And she was like, Yeah, you can have it all. And she told me something that I will not say on here, just in case my family be stalking me and shit, but she told me something that guaranteed the bullshit that they did after she died, I know is bullshit, you know? And it's just it's just real fuddy duddy, the shit that my family got going on. Um and I hate how my my attraction to self-tabattage, self-tap-sabotage just I don't know, makes me keep feeding into this bullshit that I know is bullshit, that I know I'm always so much better without, without being in contact with these motherfuckers, but it's something about that biological and like evil part of my brain that's just like, no, bitch, you deserve to get hurt.

SPEAKER_01 39:58

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

I don't know, y'all. So let me know what y'all think about that. And if y'all, I remember when I was first talking about my mommy issues in the earlier episodes, like some of y'all stories about mommy issues used to make me cry so hard because I was like, damn, like we're really out here. We really out here. But yeah, guys, I was gonna talk about what else was I gonna talk about? I can't remember. Oh, I was gonna talk about um this is such a heavy shift. This is such a heavy shift, but I kind of wanted to talk about it a little bit because I saw a clip of it on TikTok and I tried to watch the whole thing, and I hope I did, but I was not going to YouTube, so hopefully I watched the whole clip and I don't sound ignorant or um a hypocrite. But I saw the clip of Victoria Monet talking about how women only approach her sexually, and I want to talk to y'all about that a little bit. So when I was listening to that, it made because I'm bisexual, right? And I am a very even bisexual, I like to call myself. I like men and women 50-50 now because I'm pretty sure I was a lesbian for the first like couple years of my life because I was so scared of dick. Like I didn't I didn't touch a man sexually until I was 20. And bitch, I'm about to be 28, so that was only seven years ago, you know what I'm saying? So I was just like mm-mm. Coochie, love down, been eating coochie since I could walk.

unknown 41:29

I'm just joking.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

I swear to god, I'm joking. Why did I say that? Oh my god, that's not true. But you know, you know, it started early, but it just made me hearing her say that made me realize why lesbians don't fuck with bisexual women. You know what I'm saying? And as a bisexual woman, I've been through it before where my girlfriend at the time or my um partner at the time was kind of iffy about our relationship because it's just like when you and and you can hear it when a lot of bisexual women talk, especially bisexual women who have only had most of their sexual experiences or romantic experiences with men, you can hear it in the way they talk. It's always him, his, you know what I'm saying? He and it's just like if I know that you are romantically drawn to men more, but I know you just like fucking with women, as a lesbian, why would I ever go into this taking you seriously? You know what I'm saying? And that's what she was saying, like, oh women just they only want me sexually and they only talk about my body, and it's just like, well, what if I want more than that? Because I'm already coming into this knowing that you want more than that with a man. I'm not stupid, you know what I'm saying? When people ask you about your future, you're saying him, he, his, his, him, he, him, him, him, who, him, you know what I'm saying? So it's just like. You know what I'm saying? Let's talk about it. Because if we're gonna talk about it, let's talk about it. A lot of the times when women say they're bisexual, that means they just want a woman to eat their pussy. They wouldn't dare touch a pussy, they wouldn't get married to a woman, they wouldn't introduce a family to a woman, they wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with a woman. They just want sex with a woman. That's what a lot of bisexual women want, you know what I'm saying? So it's just like, why would you ever think I was gonna take you serious unless that was a conversation, you know what I'm saying? And it also like it's a precautionary thing. It's it really is because if I'm already knowing, if I just like women, if I am only romantically and sexually attracted to women, getting to know somebody who is attracted to men like is already like a hmm. You know, because I don't care what nobody says. Don't nobody want to lick or come after a dick. Nobody. Nobody. No pun intended either. I mean that literally. Like nobody wants to do that. A man, they don't wash correctly. Like so you had a man up in there and you want me to absolutely the fuck not. You know what I'm saying? So it's just like it's already a touchy. You know what I'm saying? And you can say, well, it's y'all fault for trying to talk to a bisexual woman. It's just like, I mean, not really, you know what I'm saying? Like, like I said, outside of the having the conversation of you guys being something serious, you can really fuck whoever the fuck you want to, you know what I'm saying? So that's the thing where it's just like it's not like an aha moment. It's like the fact that you can call it an aha moment is why I'm not taking you serious in the first place. Like, I do y'all understand what I'm trying to say, and then also it made me realize like how deep like the patriarchy goes, even in the LGBTQIA community, because it's just like the gall to say women only want me for my body and shit like that, as if that hasn't been the track record for men since the dawn of these motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? And it's just like she was like, Women do me so dirty, women do me so dirty. How many albums and songs you got about niggas doing you the exact same way? No, it's not a competition. I'm not saying that, but it's just like, why is it the excuse for you not to be with a woman because women are treating you the same way that niggas historically and famously treat women? You see what I'm trying to say? You see what I'm trying to say? I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it's just like you'll take that over sexualized shit from a man because you expect it from a man. But when a woman does the same thing, knowing that you attracted the man, all of a sudden she the bad guy. I don't know. And I don't know if I interpreted that too wrong, so I probably did, because like I said, I don't know if I watched the whole clip, but I don't know. I don't know. I think a lot of us bisexual women have a disconnect when it comes to um being gay, like liking women, like there's there's a huge disconnect between lesbians and bisexuals, and it's that dick. It just is, you know, it just is. I've been in that situation where I've been with a woman and she got pregnant, and I was like, by what? You know what I'm saying? By by because bitch, there's no way because you said you like girls, and the only way to get pregnant is writing dick, you know what I'm saying? So it's just like and that's a terrible way to get got as a as a lesbian, as a bisexual who is committed to women, you know what I'm saying? That's a big ass slap in the face. It's almost harder than being in a straight relationship and he had a baby on you. It almost hurt worse because especially you're not even supposed to like that. You know what I'm saying? Like you, you you know, so I don't know. I don't know. It's a lot of gay motherfuckers that watch this podcast too. So I hope that y'all understand what I'm trying to say, especially the lesbians, because I felt I was I was I was I I'm not gonna lie, I was a lesbian for a long time. I was so scared of penis. I was like, but yeah. Alright guys, I'm gonna wrap this episode up because I don't know. I don't know what to talk about anymore. But I'll be back in hopefully another video episode. And um I'm gonna I posted not posted, I recorded like a apartment tour that I'm gonna put on Patreon, but there's a couple more videos that I want to upload before I even like put the link out for y'all to go rejoin. Um, there's just a couple things I want to clean up over there because that first time I did it, it was not cute. Like, and I was like in a space of where recording was just not comfortable for me. So like spatially and like mentally. So but now I'm good. So I'll get a couple videos out for you on there and I'll already post them so that way when y'all join y'all have a couple shit to watch. And uh yeah, I'll see you guys in the next episode. Peace out.