Kay's Journey: Part Two

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Transcript

Kay Bela's Journey: Part Two
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[00:00:00] Hi, folks. Welcome back. You're listening to Surviving Loss, our Journey of Hope, and this is part two with Kay Bella. Hi. Kay. Welcome back. Hi. Thank you. Oh, so we had a, a very powerful story in part one, and you talked to us about, you know, your journey of attempt. And like, like I said, uh, you know, that's, that's a, it's just a, a powerful voice that really needs to be heard.

And, uh, you know, we, we close with some, some good thoughts and some good comments at the end, uh, to give, you know, some of those struggling, that, that sense of, uh, that sense of hope and, and, um, you know, there is something. To move forward with and about. Um, so, you know, you talked about quite a thing, quite a few things about, um, you know, with you and your husband and, uh, you know, your journey and your struggles.

But some of the things that you, um, you spoke about, and I did wanna bring up in part one I definitely wanted to focus on in part two was your support [00:01:00] network. But before we get into that, let's, um, let's go back to the very beginning of your, your journey of hope. When, when you were struggling and you were trying to get through all of this, when did you realize that you needed to start doing something about it?

And you started, started your journey of hope, and how did you do it? Hmm. Um, I think coming out of the hospital, it, I didn't start fighting for myself yet. Um, I wasn't in that place, but everybody else wanted me to live at that point and wanted me to keep going. So actually my journey towards starting to fight for myself was acknowledging that I didn't want to fight for myself and I wasn't fighting for myself and that I, but I would fight for, I would [00:02:00] fight because other people wanted me to stay.

Um, and unfortunately, that's where some of us have to start. You know, we, it's, it's great if we can fight for ourselves, but I think sometimes that's where you gotta start. You gotta start wherever you gotta start. Right? When did you start doing it for Kay Bella? Um, I think when you start to experience little wins and, and little pieces of hope and little pieces of joy here and there where you're like, You know, oh, this is, this is actually really fun living life, you know?

Right, right. And, you know, I started, I started making good friends and, you know, it's, it's painful. The healing process is painful at first. Uh, along with the journey. The journey is painful, which is really hard because you're like, I thought I was supposed to be getting better. But a lot of times it's one step forward, two steps back, you know, and two steps forward, five steps back, you know.

[00:03:00] So healing is, is a very difficult journey, and you have to press in to the discomfort. And so that can be really hard at first, but I think being alongside other people, um, that have been there before, um, and they may be a therapist, they may be a friend, they may just be somebody that has been through hard stuff that just kind of accepts where you are.

Um, but, or maybe all of the above. So when, when you start to, I. Journey through it and you know, you know that you're on the right path even though it's uncomfortable. And even though it's hard, at least you know your direction. I think when you're trying to recover and you're trying to work and, and you don't know yourself yet, you don't know why you're, you are the way you are, it feels very hopeless because you don't know, you don't have anything to connect to or any knowledge of like what's gonna help it to get better.

But when you know it's gonna help and get better and, and then you [00:04:00] start doing those things at first when it's hard, you're like, okay, but it's hard. And other people allow, like, you know, I started working with somebody and she was like, but you know that this is your process. You go through something new and you fight it every step of the way, but then, you know, once you get through it, you actually really enjoy it.

And her pointing that out to me was actually really helpful because I was like, I. I get very discouraged when I'm in the new stages, right? And it's very uncomfortable and I, I wanna give up. And she's like, but you realize you do this every time. And so then I started to notice, I was like, oh, so it, this is kind of, you know, if I know that this is what happens when I'm working through something and that it does get better, it makes it more, it makes it less hopeless when you're struggling through it.

You know, because you're like, okay, well at least I know I'm gonna get to the other side. And so then you start to have those little wins where like, you know, at first it's super uncomfortable advocating for yourself and setting boundaries and trying to communicate your, your needs and who you are as a person.

You try to put that out [00:05:00] there and you're trying to make new friends and, you know, like re like reconnect or, you know, revise kind of how you relate to your current surroundings and stuff. And that, that's really hard at first, but then you start to get the hang of it and then things start to change. And so, like, at first, Just as a, as a simple example, my husband and I used to stay up really, really late and, um, and eat out and all this stuff.

So I, I set a new boundary for myself and I was like, I wanna go to sleep at this time, and I'm gonna wake up at this time. Well, at first he's like, well, what are you doing? You know, like, why are you going to bed? This is the time we usually spend doing this. And you're like, what are you like? And, and at first the, that shift in a habit is very uncomfortable.

And it's like, oh, but I'm losing, I'm losing. And we focus on what we're losing. But when you, you know, I started to shift that focus, and this was some of what my coach helped me to work on, is focusing on what you're gaining instead of what you're losing. And so I wanted to go to sleep at that time because I wanted to be able to wake up early and do a [00:06:00] workout and, um, and like get physically healthy and well and stuff like that.

And fitness was actually a huge, like, high, you know, it's, it's a huge stress reliever in a way to work through emotions and so, At first he was fighting me on that and was like, what are you doing? Like, this is weird. You know? Cuz it feels uncomfortable to them too, cuz they, they know you and they know that this is not your norm.

Right? But then over time, the interesting thing was, if I didn't go to bed at a certain time, then my husband would look at me and be like, aren't you going to bed now? You know, like, you need to get up early. So then you're those around you, you know, at first it's very uncomfortable to them and they, they don't know what to do with it.

But once they get used to it, then they also become the enforcers of those new habits that you've developed. And so it becomes easier to stay in that norm because, Now everybody's used to it. And so then they kind of are that accountability and that support to say like, you know, like, I'm, I'm calling you out.

I see that you're, you know, not doing this or like, you know, well, you should really go to bed, you know, don't you [00:07:00] wanna get up tomorrow? And you're gonna be so tired tomorrow if you don't, if you don't go to sleep and stuff. And, and so like, it's, it's cool to see that shift happen. You retrained everyone's mindset.

Yeah. Yeah. Everybody gets used to it. And then they're, they, they're used to you doing certain things. Yeah. Great. Now another thing is you talked about was support network, um, which I think is huge. I mean, that's, that's the first part of, of resilience is building a good support network or having a great network to go to.

Mm-hmm. Uh, what, what did your support network look like that you built? Um, for me, I started looking for, I, I was surrounded by my, so my, I have to start with where my unhealthy network was. So my unhealthy network, I felt more stressed when I was around them. Mm-hmm. And I felt more anxious, more depressed, more uncomfortable with just being myself.

I felt like I had to put on a show. So I started really being, um, mindful and paying attention to [00:08:00] how I felt around different people. Right. And, and so for me, my, my therapist and my husband and certain friends, I was like, there's something about this person that feels safe. I feel like I can be myself with this person.

I don't know why initially, like sometimes we don't know why we feel safe with this person, but if we follow those kind of veins where it's like, instead of finding people that treat us the way that we're used to being treated, and we instead try to surround ourselves with people that. They, they help us to feel safe, we'll develop a safe community, and then also being attentive to what is it about this person that makes me feel safe?

And trying to like really draw that out of yourself to understand what then to look for in other people and just be more attentive to it. So like, you know, my best friend I could, I could go over to her apartment and we could just sit and talk for hours, no judgment. Um, and, and it was just a safe environment.

I was like, okay, what [00:09:00] is it about her that feels really safe? And, you know, I don't know. Interestingly, one was like, she would ask me questions about myself and then just, you know, ask questions about the answer and we could just have a conversation. And I felt like I was just talking to her in that moment versus, Thinking and being able to read on her face that she's thinking about something else.

And I don't know what that is. Right, right. You know, so if I, if I read that in people and I'm like, I can tell that they're duplicitous. I can tell they're, they're not fully here with me in this moment, then, you know, I would feel very unsafe and like, oh, what are they thinking? I'm really concerned and stuff, but, you know, and then my husband, what is it that felt really safe about him?

Well, I could see him be the same with other people and then be the same with me about, about those people. So what I mean is like, so he would talk to somebody, tell them what he was thinking, tell them what he was feeling, and then he would, when he talked to me, he would say the exact same thing. So there was no, oh, I'm [00:10:00] talking to this person and I'm pretending this way, and then I'm gonna come and tell you something different.

And so for me, that always led to mistrust with people. I was like, if they're, if they're not able to tell somebody else how they're thinking and feeling, and then they're telling me, How much more are they gonna be doing that about me? You know? And so I would be very mistrustful if people like that for him.

He was always direct with other people and then would tell me the exact same thing. And so I knew he was doing the same for me, being in direct, me being direct to you as well. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, those kind of things. And then I was like, okay, so I want people like that in my life. And so then I started to, yeah, I started to develop friendships and, and people around me that, you know, you, you just follow the energy, you follow the peace and the safe feelings and you know, and you start to surround yourself with people that you can be yourself with, and then that helps cultivate your recovery and your growth.

Great. Yeah, that's, that's definitely a good way to look at it. Um, [00:11:00] a couple other things that you talked about, and we didn't really get into it because this is part two where we're talking about your journey, but, uh, you, you mentioned like your friends, your husband, and your resources, and. It seems like you changed all of that, and your friends and your husband is now your resource, and that's your support network.

Mm-hmm. That's your social network. So tell, I don't even know where I want to start. I mean, you've got so many great things going on. I want to get the, I want to get the biggest part of your, your story out before we start talking about all the great things you're doing. And, um, but how, how did, how did things start to change?

When did, when did you really feel like you were getting back on balance and you were ready to put the boots on the ground and, and kick his thing in the butt? Hmm. Um, I think, [00:12:00] you know, as a, as it relates to anything that I've, I've dealt with or tried to recover from, it was bringing myself into alignment and, um, And learning, learning myself.

So I actually, um, I call it kind of like a cocoon. I kind of isolated myself for a little while, which can be an issue with depression and stuff like that. But I was, I isolating in, in a, what I would call like a safe and healthy way. So my isolating looked like me and my husband and my therapist actually, just for a little while.

I, I really didn't spend a lot of time with friends or with other people. Um, I was in school at the time, so I was doing a lot virtually. And, and so I just actually kind of, I didn't really associate with a lot of people. And the reason for that was because as somebody that's constantly being a chameleon and trying to please other people, if I had [00:13:00] tried to lean into friends at that time, I knew that I, it was stressful for me because I didn't know myself well enough yet.

And so I spent, I spent a bit of this cocoon phase really pressing into journaling and meditating and reading books and learning myself, learning who I was because then I would learn what my boundaries needed to be. And also, you know, what I was looking for in friends and relationships. Like I said, I also came from a faith-based community, and so as I, as I pulled away from the church and that comfort zone, it was like, Yeah.

Well when you go to church, you have kind of built in community. So like you have Bible studies and you have, you know, church every Sunday and those kind of things. And so I was like, I don't even know where to begin. Where do you find friends? How do you find friends? Like who am I supposed to talk to and how do I find my kind of people?

Um, so one was, I was kind of forced into What do you, what do you mean by that? You're kind of people. [00:14:00] Like people that I felt safe and connected with. Okay. Like just friends, you know, like it, right, right. So, you know, like a healthy environment. Yeah, like a healthy environment. Right. People that enjoyed the same kind of things that I enjoyed.

So, you know, like, you know, at church it was like, okay, well you know, we have Bible City and then they invite you out afterwards to go and eat and then you play volleyball and soccer and stuff like that. Right. And, or you go for walks or have different get togethers in the park or something. So there's a lot of built in community activities through church.

Mm-hmm. And so it was like, how do I find people that. Uh, may not necessarily, are not necessarily connected to the church. And at that point I was very, you know, I had learned a lot about, you know, the religious trauma and stuff that I had gone through. And so I was, I didn't wanna associate with people that were from a Christian environment because, because it was just too hard for me.

I was very, very triggered and very sensitive to that at that time. So I was like, I can't have friends that that's what they're talking about all the time. And that's all, that's their whole world, because [00:15:00] that's very unhealthy for me. Mm-hmm. And very stressful. And so I was like, I need somewhere else to find friends, but I.

You know, where am where am I gonna find 'em? And especially as an adult, you know, same with, same with college, same with high school or workplaces like you, you have a built-in community, um, and other people that are going through it. And I was doing school virtually. I was done teaching at that time. So I had left my teaching job and luckily my husband was able to support both of us through the restaurant that we had.

And so, I mean, I had a couple, there were the waitresses and stuff, but it wasn't people that like, that found social network or friends or those kind of things. So I was kind of forced almost into isolation as I tried to figure out like. How do I find people that enjoy the same things? I enjoy? What do I enjoy?

Like, I don't even know what I enjoy, you know? I enjoy being outside, you know? How do you find other people that like being outside, like, I don't know. Mm-hmm. Go hang out at a park. Really just starting to find what you enjoy. Yeah. You know, with this, this new journey. Yeah. And if you talk to [00:16:00] anybody, I've, I've gone and spoken at recovery houses too, the like for addiction recovery.

Mm-hmm. And it's very similar. It's like we've gotten so used to being this dysfunctional way. Where do you find people that are not this dysfunctional way? Where do I find friends that don't wanna just drink away their problems or aren't super stressful to be around or dealing with their own, you know, issues.

Not, not that friends can't be dealing with throwing issues, but like, how do I feel safe in my support network, wherever that is. And so I would definitely say like the friends I have, it's not like they're like, oh, they'd never have issues. That's not what I mean. It's. It's, but they, I feel safe being around them and we share our issues with each other, and we feel comfortable and safe with each other.

The new normal. Yes. Yes. How do I Yeah, yeah. And, and yeah, and I, I, I, I look at the same thing as, I, I, I don't know.

First I was wondering what people would think if I told them, you know, what I've been through in my family. Mm-hmm. Um, so [00:17:00] it's no, no secret Now my book's coming out, but, but it, you know, now it's, it's like I. There, there is a new normal, and that new normal is, you know, what I'm doing today and, and how it's making me feel.

Mm-hmm. And, uh, it's evolving. Mm-hmm. Um, just like your Is yours is. Mm-hmm. Um, so, so tell us about that. What's the new normal with Kay Bella and the journey she's on? Yeah. Yeah. Well, um, To expand a little bit on like, you know how I said in inpatient, I said one of the things that was the best for me was being around people that I knew that they were dealing with stuff and I felt safe because we could be doing anything, we could be playing a game, but there was still this safety of knowing.

I know this person, I know they deal with the same stuff as me. And so as I've built my support network, we deal with a lot of the same stuff. So it's like I have friends that they've, uh, experienced family that has [00:18:00] been, that has died to suicide or addiction or is, you know, working through those kind of things.

Or they're dealing with their own ptsd, their own trauma and stuff. But we're on the same journey together and we're healing together and we're being open and vulnerable with each other about that. And I even had a 5K with some friends this morning and you know, one of the things they shared with me was like, They're like, when you're open and you shared like what you're struggling with, it makes me feel more comfortable about being open about what I'm struggling with.

Absolutely. Yeah. And so, so we, you know, creating those kind of environments with each other where it's like, you know, I, I just left a job and I, I told them, I was like, I love you guys. I wanna be around you. I really do, and I know that you're good people for me. But I said, I just need a little time. I need a little space.

Right? And, you know, you, you may not see me this next month. I was like, let me get my, my footing and, you know, like, bring myself down. Because I was in a, a really high stress state for a long time. And so [00:19:00] that much stimulation, I just needed to like, calm down from it was like, it's not that I don't love you guys, and I will connect with you as soon as I'm, as soon as I'm in that place.

Um, and so letting people know where you are too. And then, You know, so I shared that with them and then, you know, they're like, I really appreciate that you shared that with us because, because people do get worried. Oh, is it me? You know, like, oh, maybe they just don't wanna be around me. It's like, no, I love you and I care about you, and I wanna be around you.

Um, but like, this is what I need right now, and it's okay for you to do the same for me. I won't take offense if you say that to me now. You know? Then they realize like it's a two-way street and they realize, oh, it's safe for me to do that too. And then they can do that. And then, you know, you build this environment, you build a culture of safety.

Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. So when you, when you met 'em this morning, did you tell 'em you were doing a podcast today? Yeah. They're all like, send me the link. So, great. Great. Yeah. Uh, so you're, you're getting involved in a, a lot of, uh, [00:20:00] one-on-one help in healthcare. Mm-hmm. Um, tell us about that. What's, what. I wanna know two things.

One, I wanna know what you're doing because it's, it is also great and interesting, and I think it's one of the biggest parts of your journey because it, it's self-healing as well as it's healing, right? Uh, but, but two, um, I know. Where, where are you going with it? What do you, what do you see it turning into?

Hmm. Well, that's to be explored in some ways. Well, yeah, but you gotta have a, you've gotta have a hope and a dream. I mean, it's, I do, I do. Yeah. It's like, I want this podcast to be the biggest and the best ever. I want Kyle's hope to be the biggest and the best ever. But, you know, I didn't set no high standards.

I didn't set myself up for failure or failure when I was putting this all together. Right. You know, my goal was to put my. My story on paper and to make a difference in one person's life. Yeah. And I've far exceeded all of that. So it, it's a win-win from here on out. Mm-hmm. [00:21:00] Yeah. Yeah. So where, where are you going to take this?

What level do you want to take it to and what exactly are you doing? So, um, so I have a business, Kay Bella coaching and counseling. And in that I do individual counseling and coaching. I also have, um, group coaching classes and, um, I also do training and mental health education. So, and I, I really would love to actually write a book.

Um, that's one of them. So I know that's, I'm gonna tell you what you can help with. I'm gonna tell you what Mr. Pemberton told me in 2016, I went to see Steve Pemberton in 2016. He had written a book, um, or, um, Not a chance in the world. Mm. And or, or a chance in the world. I'm sorry. Sorry Steve. But it's, um, you know, and I didn't know what it was about the guy.

I just, I just felt connected to him. He wrote the book and I went up to see [00:22:00] him afterwards and I said, you know, I, I've got this story. I've been kind of making notes on him putting together. I said, I really wanna write a book. Mm-hmm. He said, don't tell me you wanna write a book. He says, go write your book.

Yeah. And it's funny, I just started reading another one of his books, uh, lighthouse Effect, which is about human lighthouses. People that shine a light on their, on your path. So you can't continue your journey successfully. It's a great book. Uh, but when I got to the back of it, I realized, you know, he, he was born the same day I was.

Mm-hmm. One year apart. Like, yeah, okay. This is, this is really weird. But anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you. Don't you say you wanna write a book, start writing a book. Yeah. It's, it's. It's a learning curve to go through the, the publishing process and everything. Um, I'm, I'm not, I wouldn't put myself as a writer or an author.

I never thought that would ever happen, you know, an old country boy from the southern part of [00:23:00] Maryland. But, uh, anyway, you know, I, I, I put a book together and it's coming out, so Yeah. Write your book. Yeah, write your book. You've got a story to tell. Yeah, that's, that's what I've, I've wanted to do. I've actually had the dream for a long time, um, like since I was, since I was pretty young.

And, and also I used to go to a lot of conferences and listen to speakers, and there was a way that they communicated with me that was like, They were speaking right to my heart and they didn't know me right. And I just thought that was incredible. And I was like, I wanna do that for other people. And that's, you are, that's why I'm here today.

Yeah. And that's, that's second you're doing it right now. Yeah. That's it. It is what I'm passionate about. So I wanna be, you know, I was, I was local to Lancaster in the previous organization and now it's looking at things across the state and across the nation and saying like, okay, uh, I'm ready to go bigger and I'm ready to share my story and reach out to, to larger [00:24:00] populations and get comfortable with that.

And so, so that's really, really what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing long term is doing, speaking and, you know, educating because there's so much that I think, um, I, I, I would say I've been told, and I, I do feel I have like a unique skillset when it comes to my knowledge from a personal level of being an attempt survivor, and then also being a therapist and being a coach, and then also, you know, having been a teacher even.

Mm-hmm. And then also, you know, being a business owner. So there's, there's all of those components that, um, that come together being an English teacher and, you know, learning to, to share my story and how to articulate and, you know, even persuade and stuff like that. And so all of that comes into play as I communicate with people about mental health.

And I love being able to do that for people because, um, because I do think there's, there's [00:25:00] so much stigma and there's so much like weird twisted belief around mental health stuff where it's like, right, oh, well if you deal with this, then you look like this kind of person. You talk like this kind of person.

You act in this way. And it's like, it's like, You know, or it's, it's, you're doing it because of this, you know, like you're even, you know, cutting. It's like, oh, you're doing this for attention, or, you know, and, and in so many ways it's, it's, it's so distorted and it's not understood what the roots are. And when you understand what the roots are, um, either for ourselves or as a loved one looking at that person, when you understand those roots, that that stigma goes away, you can see that person as somebody just like you that's struggling just like you, that.

It is just has had a different set of circumstances and maybe their brain's developed in a slightly different way to, you know, to, for them to respond in these certain ways. But it doesn't mean that they're any worse of a person. It doesn't mean that they're any more broken of a person. They're a [00:26:00] person, they're human.

Right? And we all, you know, we need to have more compassion and understanding for, you know, and, and being married to an Albanian I am, and now learning all of this stuff about traveling all these different countries with cultures, we have so much to learn from each other. You know, whether it's cultures, religions, um, mental health, walks of life, socioeconomic status.

We have so much to learn from each other. And if we spend all of our time judging other people and accusing other people and trying to create distance between ourselves and different kinds of people, we miss out on the beautiful tapestry that is humanity and diversity. Like we all have so much to give each other.

So, I can be angry at somebody that, you know, is, is really, you know, like, I don't know. I like, I'm very, what a lot of people call type A, so I like to be organized. I like structure, I like a schedule. I. It has helped to, and I've only recently learned this through my healing journey because it, it has helped my [00:27:00] anxiety so much.

And so I feel calm and safe in that. My husband complete opposite. He's like, you know, very off the cuff, doesn't really like, make a lot of big, long, crazy like, drawn out plans. I'm like, what are your goals for this year? And he's like, I don't know. You know, like he just, that's not his way, but somehow he always gets where he wants to be and it, his style works for him, right?

So if I spent all my time judging him and saying, oh, you need to do it this way. You need to have a plan. You need to set these goals, you need to make it look like this. He'd be like, he would fail because that's not the way that he's designed, right? That's not the way his brain works and it's not what works for him that would stress him out.

Me. It relaxes me for him, it stresses him out. And if we spend our time judging each other and trying to make other people do what we do, That's where the, that's where the distortion comes from. And that's where the, the inability to accept ourselves come from. I constantly had people projecting on me, telling me, this is how you're supposed to do this.

This is, you're, you're supposed to look like this. You're supposed to do it this way. You're supposed to respond [00:28:00] this way. This is what you're thinking. And it was like, but that's not me. You know? And I had to step back from all of that and then just, you know, learn to accept myself. And so, like, I don't even know how I got into this.

How did I get into this? What was the question? You know? But it comes, it comes back to acceptance. I don't know. I think that was kind of where, yeah. And

every, everybody has to have like a, you know, a niche or a style or, you know, a way that we can, I guess, understand what people are going through. Yeah. Not know what they're going through, but understand what they're going through. Mm-hmm. And I, I think. When you were talking about the coaching and, and, uh Oh, speaking.

Yes. Yeah. And the speaking. Yeah. But I, yeah, everybody has a, everybody has a different style. You know, I have a different style and I, I tell you most of the time when I, when I talk to someone, it gets so deep coming [00:29:00] from the heart and so strong and powerful inside of me. Even when I'm speaking, I don't even remember what I said, but mm-hmm.

You know, people come up and say, oh, you were great. Oh man, what you said really helped me. Mm-hmm. I'm like, I wish, heck, I could remember it. Yeah. It's, it's just like, it, it's almost, I guess, kind of spiritual, but it just, it just comes out. Right. And, you know, I, I, I, um, I watched a, a, a few things that you, you have posted on your website and, uh, you know, I looked at some of your, your photos and things like that, and you.

You, you got it going on. I mean, you seemed like a really happy person. And, and, uh, you know, you were talking before about, uh, traveling and doing some, uh, I guess, uh, self-guided tours and stuff like that mm-hmm. That you were going on through the wilderness, the big trees or whatever. Yeah. Was that California?

Is that redwood? Yeah, so we, we went to a bunch of national parks and we, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I did a little bit of research, so I knew it was something to talk, talk, talk about you. But, [00:30:00] but, um, you know, tell me, tell me a little bit more about the, the, um, the coaching part. What, what is your, what do you, what kind of feedback are you getting from your clients on the coaching?

How does that make you feel? Um, yeah. I think, you know, working with individual clients, um, and the, the coaching courses. I, I just, I love the aha moments. And those, I would say are my, my biggest takeaway, I guess the, the first thing that comes to mind when you, like, ask about what kind of feedback. I just, I love helping people to, to see from a different perspective, to understand a little bit more of themselves and others.

And so I've gotten feedback from trainings where it's like, you know, um, you know, we really wanna, we really wanna build on, you know, the skills that you brought to us last year. This one like completely alarmed me. They came back for another training. I was like, oh, they're just coming back, you know, cuz they needed each year or something.

And then she wrote this like, nice thing [00:31:00] about like, you know, like, oh we, we really gained a lot of skills and a lot of good conversation from last year's training. Cuz I do kind of a workshop style where, where like, I, I talk, but it's not just about me talking, it's about you like, I always say that I'm not the expert.

I'll ask you the questions to help you figure out what your answers are, right? And so, so that's very much my style, whether I'm leading a training or, um, whether you're in one of my coaching classes or whether we're an individual sessions, my belief is that you are the expert in your life and in your situation.

So again, what works for me isn't gonna work for you. I, I mean, it may work for you, and I'll tell you what has worked for me. I'll help you to develop like a list of options. And so you kind of, I educate, but I also don't confine. I don't tell you how to do it. I don't try to control how you're healing and what you're doing, um, or say, you know, you're, you're, you're right or wrong to make the decisions that you're making even, you know, you have to be in tune with yourself and listen to [00:32:00] yourself.

So I ask questions. It's very much about asking questions and then discussing, you know, with each other as well. Um, and so, you know, as people walk away from those trainings and say, You know, you taught me stuff that I didn't know before. Um, you know, I've had students that I led like a classroom training and they're like, you know, they talk about how now they're not going to bully one another or like, they're, they're like, well, I thought when people cut or they did these certain things that that meant that they were this way.

But after hearing you talk, this is what I now understand and so now I'm gonna respond to people differently. Right. Um, because I didn't realize that's what was. At the root of it, and now I know better how I can be a good person to them. Oh my gosh. It means the world to me, because I'm like, no, I guess so now, like as they're going about class and they're going about their school, you know, not only have I educated them, but then they also become an advocate themselves where, you know, if they see or hear somebody else, and this is what I, I [00:33:00] did with my, my husband as well, like, you know, it's easy to pass judgment and be like, oh, well that person, I had this, you know, girl growing up, you know, everybody always judged her.

And was like, and, and if you looked at her, she would be like, what do you want? You know, she had a lot of attitude and a lot of people were turned off by that and would judge her and say all this stuff. But there was something about her that really connected with me and I was like, it's a facade. She, it's a defense.

Mm-hmm. She's protecting herself. And so I could see through it to say she's not really that kind of person. She's trying to protect herself. And so I befriended her and would talk to her and stuff like that, and. You know, and it's those kind of things like you have to be able to see through those things.

So when you educate somebody and you tell them they're acting this way because it's a defense mechanism, they're acting this way because they feel unsafe and they've been traumatized and they're trying to protect themselves, how much more differently are they gonna respond now to that person where does, before they would've been like, oh, they just came at me sideways and you know, like I, you know, then I [00:34:00] got up in their face.

You know, like it's easy to see somebody who's in attack mode and wanna attack back. That's our natural response. But if we can see through that facade and say, behind this facade, behind this hurt and this attack, there's a hurting person who's been through some deep trauma, we can then, Bypass the, the fight mechanism.

And we can say like, oh, I see this person for who they are. How much better of a society are we gonna be if we're connected in that way? So when I educate people, I, I love talking to people that they know nothing about mental health. I've talked to police officers, prison staff, I've talked to school staff and trained teachers, have trained students.

Um, uh, you know, like anybody have gone into, you know, even housing authority and nonprofits and, you know, charity organizations and they have a big heart, but they also have to understand the role that they're, you know, leading and how to support people when it comes to mental health and helping them to, to see through a different [00:35:00] lens because it's easy to judge by what's happening right in front of you, what you think you see.

Um, but with mental health, you have to see beneath that. It's not like physical injury or physical disability where you can see what you're up against. You know, you if you don't understand mental health, like. You, you have to be trained. You know, you have to learn how to, how to respond to that for yourself and for others.

And so, you know, with whether it's leading a training or speaking or, you know, leading a class, um, or individual, it's all about asking them the questions to help them feel like they gain ownership, um, of their own lives. And that's, that's also huge because if I, for instance, um, try to tell you what to do every time you need help and support, what are you gonna do?

You're probably gonna come to me, right? Instead, if I teach you and I ask you questions and help you to develop that ownership of yourself, you feel confident and you can ask yourself those questions and learn from yourself and start to start to develop your [00:36:00] own self. And so it's huge with developing independence and, and your own resilience.

Um, because I was always looking for other people to validate me and tell me I'm okay and, you know, try no, I, you know, all the safety. I hear you. You on that one. Yeah. Everybody else has to tell me that. And instead like, huh, what do you think? What do you think? Yeah. Yeah. It's like you want that feedback, you know, it's like, you know, That the new level of dopamine.

Yeah. Yeah. And then, am I doing good? Yeah. And even if they give it to you a lot of times, because it wasn't coming from me, one, I needed more and more of it, and I still didn't really believe it or feel it myself. Right. And so when my therapist, you know, the first therapist I had, I was like, she's a Jedi mind tricking me.

Like what is she doing? Like how is this working? I don't, I don't understand how this is working. I'm feeling better. I'm getting better, but I don't understand why. Right. And it wasn't like, and it was a Jedi mind trick. She's asking me questions develop, and instead of telling me the answers, everybody always wants to tell you advice and give you [00:37:00] advice and say, this is what you need to do.

And oh, you need to do it this way. And it's easy to crave that and go towards that because you want concrete, we want concrete examples and you know, concrete solutions. But when somebody asks us like, well, what do you think you should do? Then you're like, what? I'm not capable. You know, like, I don't know what I should do.

Right. Right. Um, but as you start to practice that, then you start to trust yourself. You start to trust your intuition. You realize that you yourself are a safe person and that you can Yeah. That you can trust yourself, and then you can love yourself and all of that. And so it has to come. The healing has to come from the person.

And so as a coach and as a therapist, if I were to tell you what to do, that wouldn't actually heal you. It, it would medicate you. It would make you feel a little better. Right. Give you that little kick and that like, you know, good job, you know, pat on the back shoulder kind of thing. But you know, like it's, the healing has to come from the person in order for it to be real healing.

So that's what I try to try to do with my clients. Yeah. Good. You know, I, I, [00:38:00] I tell everybody all the time, uh, make sure that it's clear and understood that I can't fix you. Right? Yeah. Um, I'm, I cannot give you any kind of medication or anything like that, um, but I give you resources and guidance. Yeah. And I do not have a PhD in anything, but I am a subject matter expert in what I've been through and what works for me.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, and, and, and I, I'm sure you're probably the same way as you, as you get that, that thrill of making a difference in somebody's life. You, you gotta be careful not to jump in and think you're gonna fix 'em, or you wanna be that fixing person. You can still fix 'em, but like you said, build them, build them up, let them be the one to give their self the direction and the answers.

Mm-hmm. And that's where they're gonna heal the most and heal the best in, because trusting in themselves and loving themselves is gonna be some of the key [00:39:00] components to success in their life. Yeah. So I, I agree with you a hundred percent there, but you know, I still find it hard when, when people are struggling, it's like, oh man, I really gotta help this person.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Well now this person needs to help themself. True, but I'm gonna give them, I'm gonna help 'em with the resources and the guidance. Yeah. So I gotta pull back from, you know, me being the one to help 'em, or me being the one to fix 'em, because I wanna be the fixer. I wanna be the helper. Mm-hmm.

But it's, it's helped them get the, get what they need. And it sounds like you have that same thrill mm-hmm. When, you know, like, when, when your therapist worked with you and, and would you call it Jedi mind trick? Yeah. Jedi. Jedi mind tricked me. Yeah. She did Jedi mind tricked you. And then, and then, you know, you're, you're working with the, the students and you're, you're changing their mindset or their, their, the way that they process things.

But then you get, you get like a double thrill outta that one. You know? Now not only are [00:40:00] they a different person, maybe, but they're also, I. Being an advocate themselves and promoting other people. Mm-hmm. You know, that's like a double win. Mm-hmm. And you know, I keep saying, you're doing a lot of great things.

You're doing a lot of great things. What else are you doing out there? Uh, yeah, what else are you, what else do you have going on? Um, so I guess those are, um, I don't know. There's a few, few directions I could go with that. Um, let's see. I think in my courses, I would say, you know, some of what we go through are bringing each area of alignment into, um, like bringing, bringing yourself into alignment in each area of your wellness.

So looking at the eight different dimensions of wellness. So there's mental, relational, spiritual, environmental, um, Nutritional fitness, um, you know, looking at all of, uh, financial, occupational. So [00:41:00] looking at all of those areas of wellness and aligning yourself in each of those areas. So that's balance for life.

And then there's, um, nutrition for life where we dive deeper into the nutritional and physical components of that. So like, you know, establishing good nutritional habits and working through a lot of the mental reframes, um, of like connecting with your body. Um, again, going back to, I think as, as a young female, we deal with a lot of the, um, you have to look a certain way and you have to be a certain body size.

And so there's, there's a lot of, um, unhealthy relationships with that get developed with our bodies and, and what that means for us as people. We identify, I would say a lot of people similar to me. We identify our identity is in the way that we look. And so like, Um, so there's a lot of controlled eating and a lot of, I have to do these certain things in order to be accepted [00:42:00] by others and by society and therefore to accept myself.

And so, so I would say, you know, it applies not, not only to women though. I mean, I think a lot of guys deal with this too. It just isn't as advertised I think sometimes socially. But, um, but so nutrition for life looks at our relationship with food. Are you coping with food? Are you using food as a medicator?

Are you using alcohol as a medicator and instead dealing, finding better ways to deal with your emotional health that's separate from food. And then how do implement healthy, nutritious habits and the balance habits. Yeah, the balance of everything. The balance of everything. You're very much about that.

And that was huge for me too. You know, this, the scales that you have around the office and stuff. Like, it's, it's that balance of like, okay, I need to, I need to use food for what food is meant to be, and food is, Is a, is a loving act of giving to my body and taking care of this body that I have. And, you know, and same with our, it's, it's really good also for that self love and self [00:43:00] care.

You know, you're taking care of yourself. And so, um, so, so there's, you know, those kind of components that we go into in Nutrition for Life. And then Biz Booster is, um, is really looking at the occupational and financial and work-life balance aspects of wellness. And so diving deeper into those components, because I think as a small business owner and as sometimes like the primary breadwinners or people that are taking care of their families, um, and I notice it a lot in occupations nowadays, we're being way overworked and I really wanna see us advocate for our balance at work.

Um, and that's really hard to do. And I think a lot of people. We get so tired of fighting the fight that we're just like, I'm just gonna deal with it. I'm just gonna do it. And Right. And we have to keep fighting back. And I also wanna fight back on higher levels as well. But I wanna at least work with, you know, the direct individuals [00:44:00] that are, are going through it so that they can advocate for themselves against their supervisors and against their administrators and say, look, I'm not doing it.

This is too much. This is way too much for one person to be able to, to handle or do well or do successfully. Um, because if we don't fight back, then we'll just keep getting loaded on with more and more stuff. And that's, that's awful for us as a society to have to keep dealing with that. So, you know, so Biz Booster really goes into those components about like, how to find your own balance.

Does it mean, you know, does it mean you need to set up your schedule in a certain way? And a lot of things I've noticed, people are like, well, this is just the way you have to do it nowadays. And I, I have to reply to this email from so-and-so at three in the morning because that's when they messaged me.

And it's like, no, you don't. No, you don't. You can wait. They can wait Yeah. Until the next day. Right. You know, like, right. And we think that we need to do certain things because it's what we've seen modeled by those around us or because of our own feeling of guilt and, you know, stuff like that or what we've just gotten used to.

And it's like you [00:45:00] can set boundaries and, you know, be successful. And so just because I limit my, my work hours to this mount, I'll actually be just as productive as this person over here that's working 60 hours if I work 40 hours, because I can actually do a lot in 40 hours because I got energy to burn, you know?

Right. Like, I feel, I feel confident, I feel balanced. And that's what I learned from burning out so many times was like, you know, if I, if I. I could keep working and my productivity and my, my success in, in work standards would get lower and lower the more hours I worked. But if I just worked the hours I was supposed to, I was much more productive.

I was much more focused, efficient, effective. So actually it was better for me to work less, but that's hard for us to get in our minds, you know, because looking at it, it's like, oh, you know, like, well, I worked six 60 hours, I worked so hard. You know, like, oh, you're only working 40. You're not really like working hard.

It's hard to see. Less is more. Yeah. But it really is. It is. And you can have that, and you should [00:46:00] have that. Like you should have time for your family and your friends and you know, other aspects of wellness to, to, you know, uh, have food, good healthy food, stuff like that. Like you, we need to have those boundaries and advocate for those boundaries for ourselves and our workplaces.

Um, and yeah, find out, figure out how to bring those things into alignment. So, yeah, I think it's like 69% of life, life-threatening stress. Is related to work. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's a huge killer. It it, it is. I mean, it's, it's huge. And, um, you know, some of the training that I do within the Tracom, developing a resilient mindset, a lot of that is, is, you know, the, the stress at work.

Mm-hmm. And, um, you know, how to cope with it, how to, how to de-stress at work, how to build a network. Mm-hmm. I mean, all the great things that you were talking about, you know, are in that as well. So it was, it was like ringing a bell. I was like, yeah, I'm interested. Yeah, I'm interested. Tell me more about it.

Yeah. But, uh, you know, hopefully one day I'll be able to share some of that [00:47:00] with you, or you could partake in one of my training sessions and, uh, and it's just, it's some great stuff. Or you can go onto the Tracom website. You know, they actually won, um, uh, I believe a couple years in a row, but they just won 2023.

Uh, educate, educating firm, uh, training firm. Yeah. Nice. So it's, yeah, they've got some, they've got some nice products and it's, it's, it's science based, you know? Mm-hmm. The, the doctors that work there are the trainers and, you know, I was trained by one of the doctors that work there, so it's, it's great stuff.

But anyway, um, so looking back mm-hmm. To where you were and to where you've come your journey, you know, you said in part one that you know you will be okay, you will get through this. What does it feel like getting through this and how, how's Kay today? [00:48:00] It's, you know, it's interesting. I think I always thought that feeling healed and, you know, being at, at peace and.

Not having all the anxiety and depression, I thought it would feel like, like a high, but instead it doesn't, and it's better. It's, it feels safe, it feels stable. And sometimes it's like, you know, like, is this like for real? You know, like you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop sometimes. But, but at the same time, it's knowing that even if it does get bad again, even if there's, you know, I think that's it too, is the acceptance of like, you know, recovery is, is a journey.

It's a constant. You never, you never reach the peak, so to speak. You know, it's, it's the [00:49:00] whole cliche about the, you know, it's about the journey, not the destination, like those kind of things where. That's, I think that's really what's come to it. Still has the maintenance. Yeah. You're, it still has the maintenance part of it that you have to, you have to maintain.

Yeah. And like for me, like I said earlier about habits, um, and routines, feeling safe to me, you know, one thing that I do is each, each morning I've been waking up and paying attention to my emotional state and, and my mental health and setting intentions and journaling and doing a meditation based on what I'm feeling at that time and in that moment.

And so I still feel overwhelmed. I'll wake up and be like, oh my gosh, I have so much to do. There's like, I'm never gonna get through all of it. And I feel hugely overwhelmed and stressed and, and so, but that time. It allows me to do the maintenance that I need right on, on my car, so to speak. You know, like you, you work the machine.

It's funny, I was just sitting there thinking it's like, okay, you changed the oil in your car. It [00:50:00] doesn't just run forever. No. You gotta keep doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you go to the doctor for your regular checkup, you know, each morning I gotta daily check-in with myself and each, each day I gotta, I gotta still do what I need to do to keep myself in this state, right?

So I gotta eat, right? I gotta not go towards alcohol. I gotta, you know, work out and, you know, do my, my walks, spend time with my husband because I know those things are good for me. I, it doesn't mean that just because you're quote unquote healed or in a better state, oh, I can just like, forget all that.

Now I'm gonna drink and party and do crazy stuff all the time. Like, no, you, you still, you still maintain that because now you know, and when you have that education, then you're like, okay, well I can just kind of step into these, you know, these good, healthy practices, but we gotta maintain 'em, you know?

Right. And, and, And at any point, you know, like I could choose to go down a completely different path, but in order to keep myself in alignment with who, who I am and what feels best to me, you know, I'm, I maintain these daily practices and tune into what I [00:51:00] need most that day. And at that time, and, and in that way we stay healthy.

So, but it feels a lot less, like, balancing on a little, like, you know, you know, as you talked about, balancing scales. You know, sometimes when you're first starting out, it feels like any little thing is gonna tip the scale, like really severely and feels really stressful. But once you get a bit further into your recovery journey and you feel more stable, the scales don't, don't bounce as much.

You know, like you, you reach kind of like a, like, you, you feel like your base is more stable and you're not as, you know, bouncing back and forth between extremes. So, yeah. Now when you, when you reflect back on everything, do, do you have like a favorite quote that just. Either you developed or you stick with, or you, I, I do.

I mean, it's, it's like I was telling you mine, but do you have a favorite quote that just makes, gives you that inspiration or that drive or, that's a good question. I think different seasons have brought me different [00:52:00] ones, I will say. So I have a tattoo on my arm, um, and these five words have gotten me through everything.

Um, and it was very spirit led and everything, but, um, but the first one is weight and it's drawn into, I combine all the letters and of the English word into a symbol, so it looks kinda like Chinese, um, look at my arm. Um, but actually it's, it's just all the letters combined into a symbol. And so the first one is wait.

And so I was very, you know, when you're anxious, you know, like you just like, oh, you want it to happen now, right? And so remembering to wait and then to listen, and so listening to what other people are saying, listen to good sound advice that, you know, leads to that path of safety. So, you know, yes, this what this person is saying, sound rings true for me.

And so I wanna lean into that. So listening to that hope is the third one. So like, you know, hoping in, in what they're saying and hoping in the future, [00:53:00] and then trusting that that hope and what you're hearing is going to work out. And then just be faithful through all of it, which is the maintenance and staying consistent through any season of life to like.

You know, I'm, I'm going to continue to advocate for myself. I'm going to continue to set boundaries and communicate even and press into the discomfort even when it's hard. Um, and even when I go through a new season, I think a lot of things and a lot of people guilt themselves, they go through different seasons of life.

You know, so when I was at home and I was working out and I had all these good routines and stuff, it's very easy cuz I didn't have. Like an external job, but then like you go into that external job, well all of those habits have to shift. All of that lifestyle has to shift. And so you have to recommit to those areas of wellness and find a new normal in this new season.

And so sometimes people guilt themselves cause they're like, well, I went through this and now I haven't worked out for three weeks, or now I'm not taking care of myself for like, you know, two months and now I'm drinking again. It's okay. You know, like you just need to [00:54:00] just bring yourself back course correct.

Yeah, just course correct. It's, it's the same, you just got off, got off track, you went through, you know, a hiccup or we lose somebody and we just kind of like, let, let it, let it go. We do a big move, you know, there's lots of things. It's very normal. It's very normal, you know, the same way that when you move to a new place or you go through something, you gotta figure out where your grocery store is, where your restaurant is, where's your, like, where you're gonna get your gas and you know, like, you figure out all those things.

So you just have to, you just course correct and you think of it objectively and you know, try to do that exercise with yourself where. You know, it may feel emotional, but actually it's a very objective, normal thing. And if we put it in the understanding of other things that we do, it helps it to feel less emotional and more just like, oh yeah, this is a normal thing to do.

You know? Um, so then we don't kind of blow it up in our heads like, ah, I just suck at life. You know, like, right. We, like, it's weird, especially with certain elements of our wellness, we shame ourselves and we say we're failures and stuff. And it's like, okay, well if you go through this, you know, I'm sure [00:55:00] you've experienced like, some kind of work failure before.

Okay, well you went through a work failure. Oh yeah, that sucked. You know, like, I didn't do as well in that project as I wanna do. Did you quit your job? No, probably not. You just like, oh, I did better next time. You know? Right. And then you just kind of correct, like it's very normal, but in certain. Ways, if we have an issue with that certain way, like we, we make it something different, and it's like, it's really not that different.

I look at failure completely differently now. I mean, I, to me, failure is one of the key components of success. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It truly is, is as practice, because if, if you're not failing, you're not trying. Mm-hmm. And, and then I, I look, the definition of failure to me is a lot different now. It's not failure in the sense of you're not good enough.

It's failure in the sense of. You found another way, it don't work. Mm-hmm. So you're educating yourself through the whole process. Yeah. So I think failure is, is a great thing. It's a key component. And uh, you know, I had a [00:56:00] gentleman that tell me the other day goes, man, I just, I'm tired. I'm so tired of failing at everything.

I said, yeah, but look how much you're learning. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Look how much you're learning on the way. Yeah. And you know, just like Albert Einstein, you know, they ask, tell me how'd it feel to fail 10,000 times. Said, I beg your pardon, I never failed 10,000 times. I found 10,000 ways that it won't work. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So, you know, it's, it's educational, so don't be afraid to fail folks. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, k I think there was, you know, you mentioned quote, I think, you know, there's, there's one that I heard actually will Smith in a, um, in a YouTube video, and he was like, it's not. You know, it may not be your fault that this happened or that you're in this state, but it is your responsibility to do something about it.

And Very true. I think, I think that was huge for me because, you know, it is, we, we wanna blame the people that are at fault. We wanna blame the circumstances and the things that happened that are at fault. But [00:57:00] if, if we just stay in that, that's when we stay depressed and anxious and, and we just like, ah, you know, like, this bad thing happened and, you know, these are just, but it's also our responsibility to do something about it and, and, and say like, I, I can't change the circumstances, but I can do something about it.

And that control and that ownership is what gives us that, that confidence to like press into it and like let go of that hopelessness of like, well, I'm just a victim of my circumstance. It's like, you, yes, you experienced that and that's horrible that you went through what you went through, but you know, You get to choose now where you go from here Right.

And how you move forward. So yeah, I'm glad you said that. Cause I, I tell people a lot of times when I'm talking about, you know, some of the training I'm doing, and one of the things I'm a big fan of, and it's taken out of concept all the time, is forgiving what you can't forget. Mm-hmm. Um, and reason being is, you know, first thing you think of or, you know, even from the male [00:58:00] perspective, you know, I'm not taking the low road, I'm not eating crow, or whatever the cliche may be for, you know, taking ownership.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, you know, forgive what you can't forget doesn't mean mend in a relationship. It doesn't mean, you know, going to someone and saying you're sorry. Forgiving what you can't forget is the first part about showing up, taking ownership and being accountable for yourself. Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly. And I, I just, I think it's, I think it's really a strong key component for me.

Mm-hmm. Personally. Mm-hmm. And I'm. I'm sure I've talked to a few people that's like, okay, guy, I'm not gonna try this. But it worked for me. Mm-hmm. So, well, I, uh, wow. I appreciate you for what you're doing. Uh, you're a huge advocate out there and you're making a mark and, um, you know, like I say all the time, having the boots on the ground is more important than anything.

And, and you've come from the lows of lows to the highs of highs. And, uh, I appreciate you and I [00:59:00] appreciate you for what you're doing out there. Yeah. So thank you so much for doing the podcast with me and keep pushing on. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much for putting on the podcast and like, you know, getting this out there.

I mean, it's, yeah, we, we have our stories, but to have a place where like it's all come together so that we can then, you know, like it, all of those stories need to be brought into one place and then I think there's. I also see that, that, that we are, we're all working together. It's a movement towards all of these things.

And so, you know, it's not just me, it's not just you. It's not just like these individuals. It's all of us working towards all of these things that we're seeing. So, um, that we're seeing need to, need to change. And I think we see a lot of the same things. We need to work together towards them. So thank you for putting this on.

Absolutely. No thank you. All right folks. Thank you so much. And if you want some coaching K Bella coaching and it's k a Y B [01:00:00] a l a c o a c h i n g gmail.com. Um, she's up. A wealth of resources, look her up and talk to her. And I wanna send a special thanks to all my listeners, a special thanks to, uh, four corner strategies for the work they do, getting this podcast out there on the streets for our listeners to hear.

And again, if you want to follow us on the podcast, you can sign in on milton dennis.org, follow the podcast, or if you want to help put a scholar through college, you can go to Cal's hope.com and donate today. Thank you so much. And as always, stay positive. Make today amazing.