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Shared Voice by 10-42 Project, A First Responder Podcast
"Shared Voices"
The 10-42 Project is a faith-based resource and refuge organization dedicated to supporting first responders. We equip individuals with essential mental health tools, restore hope during times of crisis, and guide people toward a renewed purpose through the everlasting love of Jesus.
Shared Voice by 10-42 Project, A First Responder Podcast
First Responder Recovery: The WCPR Path to Healing
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Nestled in the tranquility of Godspeed Ranch, this episode unveils the raw, unfiltered journey of healing among first responders. Three guests—each at different stages of their recovery—share how specialized trauma retreats transformed their lives when traditional therapy couldn't reach their deepest wounds.
The conversation centers around the West Coast Post Trauma Retreat (WCPR), a unique program designed specifically for first responders. What makes this approach revolutionary? Cultural competence. As Connor explains, "It's about the only place that you can go and never have to explain the terminology you're using." The clinicians have either served in law enforcement themselves or have close family connections to the profession, creating an environment where participants feel truly understood.
All three guests describe a powerful turning point—Wednesday, the third day of the retreat—when trust finally blossoms. Gentry, a medically retired state trooper, shares how she arrived completely closed off: "By Sunday, there's not a single person there that I would have trusted with any thought that I had. By the end of the week, every single person in that room would have taken a bullet for me." This transformation doesn't come easily. The days are long, running from early morning until late evening, filled with intense emotional work that often brings participants face-to-face with their deepest fears.
Perhaps most revealing is the universal experience of "imposter syndrome" among first responders seeking help. Each guest admits to feeling unworthy—believing they weren't "broken enough," hadn't served long enough, or that others deserved help more. As Brianna, who attended the program for spouses, confesses: "I went out there because I was going to come back with the tools to fix my husband. I didn't realize that some of my childhood is why I had these abandonment issues."
Whether you're a first responder struggling with trauma or someone who loves one, this episode offers a beacon of hope. The healing journey isn't easy, but as these stories demonstrate, finding the right community can make all the difference. Ready to take the first step? Visit our website to learn about our ambassadorship program, where those who've walked this path help guide others toward healing.
https://www.frsn.org/west-coast-post-trauma-retreat.html
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
To contact us directly send an email to Dan@10-42project.org or call 515-350-6274
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Welcome to Godspeed Ranch
Speaker 1Welcome back for another episode of the Shared Voices podcast. Thanks for joining us. We're out here at Godspeed Ranch today. This is one of the places that we take our first responders for doing equine therapy. Equine assisted learning is what they call it. We're not allowed to use therapy word because you have to have some sort of fancy degree to be that. So it's assisted training, beautiful ranch. Thank you, al and Kelly with Godspeed Equine for allowing us to come out here and record our podcast, but we wanted to bring it out here somewhere where it's a little different. Out of the office you guys can meet some of the team and we brought in somebody from Kansas area. Apparently they have the same issue down there. Apparently, first responders have trauma down there. That's weird. Exactly it doesn't stop at the state line. Is it Kansas or Missouriouri? You guys are all kind of I worked in kansas, worked in kansas do you live in missouri?
Speaker 1live in missouri, much better state there's always this battle down there going on, but thank you for joining us. We've been at a conference this week. Uh, we just wrapped up with it and there's our news story came out about our organization this week, which was a blessing really. Uh, put a spotlight on our organization and how we're a little bit different, how we kind of just love on each other no guilt, no shame. Come as you are type, help, and I'm so thankful for the people that we have here. I love our organization, I think. Then, I just want to say this the news. I want to say this to channel eight you guys did a great job covering this.
Speaker 1They could have twisted it you know you got first responders and you're talking about addictions, right, but they didn't. They really, I thought, represented us well. I thought they. I'm so proud of them for that. So thank you, kcci. But we're going to go ahead and get started.
Speaker 1If you guys don't know, we have an ambassadorship program with our organization where we use first responders retired first responders, I don't care if you're a fired first responder. We use people people who've been there, done that to walk alongside others that are going through it. We have outings, we have retreats. Check out our website, get plugged in. We are just a community of peers who love on one another. We do outings together, we live life together and we talk about our struggles, we talk about our victories and we give each other grace, and I think that's one thing that's missing in this first responder world is grace. I feel like we give a lot of grace to the bad guys, but not each other. So with us today is Gentry. You want to go ahead and tell us a little bit about you, gentry?
Speaker 4Yes, sir, so I am Gentry Johannes. I am a medically retired state trooper from Iowa. I was around Des Moines here, spent a little less than six years as a trooper and I was medically retired in October of 2023.
Speaker 1And praise God for all that. I see how much better you're doing now. I just want to say that I'm proud of you. It's hard to reach out for help and you did it and I'm proud of you and I'm proud that you're part of our team and I love that because of what you went through, your passion and drive for our first responders is second to none. That's what I love about our team is that we're amazing, amazing people. Sometimes we're the ones that everybody thinks our departments threw us away. It's like, okay, give us all your trash and if that's what you think, we'll turn them into treasure.
Speaker 1You know, and then we got one of our board members um, all around. She's been in the public health or mental health for first responders. She can tell you a little bit about her. Um, her husband was a was a deputy. Um, an amazing heart for our first responders. She leads up our family resources team, so she's going to be coming.
Introducing the Ambassadorship Program
Speaker 1You know, if spouses, family members, are having issues, it's not just the first responder that's struggling, it's the spouse, it's the family. We want to help get resources to them because we believe in helping the whole family. So when people are going through struggles. We want to let you know that if your spouses are going through it, we have help for them too. We know that they're hurting and we don't want to leave them alone. So Brianna is going to be helping lead that part and making sure our spouses and the kids of our first responders are loved on and taken care of and not forgotten about. Her heart for this is perfect for the position. She could do anything in the organization, trust me. But this is where she seems to be really passionate about is the family side of it, because I think you've noticed there's not a lot out there, have you?
Speaker 3Yeah, there's really not anything locally, so I don't really have to give myself an introduction. You did it for me, oh sorry. Brianna Mink has been spouse of a medically retired deputy Awesome.
Speaker 1Then we got an out-of-stater. We even let them in. I got to meet with him. Gentry went to a retreat and met him at this retreat. We're going to talk about this place because three of the four people at this table has gone to a retreat from this organization Different path, but, but has gone and we want to share some of that with you today. So, connor, thank you for joining us. I got to hear your story last week, brother. I love you. We're here for you. Your career was very short lived, but some people serve a 30 year career and in the short period of time.
Speaker 1And that's what you did. You got exposed to a lot in a hurry. I got to hear a little bit of your story. Thank you for being here and being open, honest and vulnerable. You want to tell us a little bit about you, connor.
Speaker 2Yeah, absolutely, my name is Connor Wainscott. I was a police officer in Olathe, kansas, for about three and a half years and then had a lot of stuff in that three and a half that led to a disability retirement through the state and since then have just been went to that retreat that you're talking about and have been back three times to uh to volunteer with them.
Speaker 1so so you've been there once to get help and then you saw how much it did for your life. You said, oh, hey, I want to do that, I want to help, I want to help out. Yeah, that's pretty cool and that's like our organization. We repurpose first responders, meaning allow them to continue to help people outside of law enforcement, because, like that, one guy said in the one podcast episode that we're people who help people. That's what we are. We may be a first responder at the time, but even after that, we're people who help people, and people who have gone through some struggles like you have come out there with compassion and understanding and that's why I think this works and there's nothing nothing against therapists, doctors, counselors, that kind of stuff but there's something about just sitting down with brothers and sisters who've been there and done that and being able to talk open and honest, without having somebody there telling you to count to 10 or you know things like that, which they work in and they work in their time. But sometimes we just need some brothers and sisters to be honest with each other. So thank you for coming up from Kansas to share that.
Speaker 1So I want to hear about this place. I keep hearing about this. I don't know that W. Every time I say it I keep thinking that one show in the eighties WCRP is that what it's called. You don't talk about WKRP, yeah, so who wants to go first? We'll go with Connor, cause he's volunteered there as a. You probably know the most about it. Connor, tell us a little bit. Who is this organization, what are they and why the heck do they even care about us?
Speaker 2Yeah, so it's a? Uh. Wcpr stands for West Coast Post Trauma Retreat, wcpr, yep, and they started in California. That's where their, their mothership is, uh, their main main area. They have a retreat every two weeks, so they are year round and full as can be and full as can be.
Speaker 3Can I ask every two weeks, just in Kansas?
Speaker 2No, in California.
Speaker 2Okay okay, kansas, since we're a satellite spot, we do it every six months. Okay, but California does it two weeks, and their last time I think I remember hearing they had like a six-month waiting period even to get into that. So, um, but what it is is basically there are certified clinicians there that lead it, but it's really a peer led process and it's about six days long and there are two to three clinicians that oversee it with their licensure and take on that responsibility of making sure everything's done correctly. But then, past that, there are chaplains from local departments and then usually about two dozen, maybe a little bit less, of peers, which is all first responder and either those who have been through it or are on peer support teams with their department, but most of the time it's it's returning clients. That is so cool.
Speaker 1So this is a non-profit right. This organization is a non-profit. Anybody know? Yeah, nobody going twice.
Speaker 2Nobody there. At least there are paid spots within the organization in california. But yeah, it's a non-profit.
Speaker 1Yeah, oh you just be a non-profit and still not paid right.
Speaker 3The organization is um first responder support network correct. So that's okay, that's where your employees are, and then you've got the, the two retreats, and then everyone that comes though, as far as I know, are volunteers, correct?
Speaker 1That's awesome.
Speaker 3When you come back as a peer, you're paying your own expenses to go there and to either help your brothers and sisters.
Speaker 1That's really cool. So to go to this retreat, is it free or does it cost?
Speaker 2It does cost.
Speaker 1You don't have to say the exact price, but so there's a cost that it does cost. Okay, um, you don't have to say the exact price, but so there's a cost that it's yeah, there is a cost.
Speaker 2Uh, I know on their website they have a lot of different places where you can get uh grants or scholarships. Um, thankfully I don't know how it is up here in in iowa, but in the kansas area a lot of those departments are very willing to step up and at least cover a portion of that.
Speaker 4I will say just to pick back off that I just went a few weeks ago and my department covered the whole thing. Yeah, Wow.
Speaker 1That's awesome, so don't let funds hold you back from getting help right. There's, yeah, ways to get it covered, ways to get it covered. So my understanding, brianna, is there's two paths that this organization has, like a first responder path, and then they have a family path, or a spouse or what do they call that other path?
Speaker 3They call it the SOS, so it's significant others and spouses Okay.
Speaker 1And that one is separate from the first responder one correct?
Speaker 3Correct.
Meet the Panel of First Responders
Speaker 1Wow, that's great. So then the spouses get to come and have their own retreat, because they're dealing with secondary trauma in a different way, because they're getting help because of all of us. I mean, you know, we put them, we put them through that. So for yours, for the family side, do they have Kansas City and no, they are strictly just in California right now, and they have, I believe, six retreats a year.
Speaker 1That's awesome For the families and that's we need to get. We're going to be doing those for our organization. We need to get some more of the family stuff going, spousal stuff going.
Speaker 3I think something else that's important is that they keep the retreats small. So I like there was only there were five of us that went through when I went, but they would have maxed us out at six.
Speaker 1That's perfect size. I think it really really is.
Speaker 3Once you get bigger than that it people can get lost and kind of go off on their own and feel like they're not part of the group and yeah, um, I think something else that made it, that is, makes this one so much different from other places, is that, um, the clients that are there, they, the peers, serve them also and serve them in in so many different ways. All the way down to, um, we never cleared our own plates, like everything.
Speaker 1So they love on you, they spoil you, oh yeah that's awesome. Put your mic just a little bit closer. There you go, there you go. This is kind of a weird setting here. These mics are really tall and the table's tall. I feel weird.
Speaker 1I feel like I'm looking over my microphone hey, gentry, how you doing over there? We'll do a different setup next time. This isn't. This isn't working. But um, so how does so if a first responders listening right now and and they struggle and they need help and they don't want their departments to know? Maybe or is there a way they can reach out to these people confidentially? Do they have to go through their department? Can they just go on their own? Do you have to have a department letter? How does that work? Do we know?
Speaker 2no, as far as I know, everything is. It's more so your clinician that gives the sign off on whether or not that's something that you can go to. Okay, department wide. I think only one person in my department knew that I actually went.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 2And since then, you know, I've told more, more people, but and I that person was only told because they were willing to help with the financial portion of it.
Speaker 1That's awesome. So it's not like you have to go blasting it to everybody and everybody has to know your business.
Speaker 2No and it's. It's very confidential and even when we're there, one of the things that the clinicians will tell you they they take that very seriously. The work that we do there stays there. You get to take the benefits from it, but they'll let you look over whatever paperwork. They have any notes that they've taken to make sure that you don't have something in your report that will backfire later on if you're working through a medical retirement or something like that. So they're very helpful in that and thoughtful.
Speaker 1That's fantastic. So if somebody's out there listening and you're hurting, there's a few of these places out there, but this is the one that I keep hearing really good things about. I mean, heck, I got three of them sitting right here. That had been there. So the question is, when an officer does reach out to this organization, how do they go about that? What is the? What I'm learning is that we send people to treatment around the country, but what I'm learning is the intake process for a lot of these places or where a lot of people, it's hard to get through the intake. It's for some of these. I mean, they strip you down, they do these kind of weird things and it's very, especially for first responders. It can be hard. Um, is this, is this atmosphere kind of, where you come in and they kind of some of them treat you like you're druggies and you're dangerous and all this stuff, or are you kind of welcomed and you don't have to get naked and stuff?
Speaker 2yeah, no, we, we just meet, meet you. Sorry, I talk real. No, that's all right, we, uh, we just meet you at your car and from that point on, yeah, we're, we're serving you as a client and you know, we ask that any you know weapons or anything like that get left in the car, just for everyone's safety. We're in a very secluded spot in kansas and it allows us to kind of let our guard down a little bit and the family that runs that place is is super helpful and they lock up gates for us and don't allow anyone to to come on maintenance wise or anything like that. So it's it's very secluded, beautiful spot and uh, yeah, we just meet you and get to get to know about you, start talking and trying to build that relationship.
Speaker 1That's cool. I like that it's out in the middle of nowhere. That's important and that it's safe I mean honestly, we all people that struggle with ptsd and you're looking around all the time, you know yeah like.
Speaker 1So it's be able to be, to be in a, in a, in a place where it's calm, where you can actually receive healing, is very important. Um, so what? If so, once you reach out to him, was it a long wait, like if somebody needs to get in? Is there generally a long wait if somebody wants to reach out? I know you guys they do not work for the organization, know that work for the wcrp, las vegas radio or whatever it is. Um, so we don't have all the answers, but yeah, it really just depends.
Speaker 2Uh, in Kansas we only do it six months or every six months, so I was I was lucky and blessed to to be able to get in within a month, um, but we do them in around February and September. So depending on when you start, your process obviously dictates how long you're gonna have to wait.
Speaker 1When you went to California, did it, did you? How long you're going to have to wait? When you went to California, did you fly out there? Did they take care of that, or was that part of the overall fee, or how'd that work?
Speaker 3No, so I was responsible for my flight, getting myself out there. I was the only one coming from the Midwest, so I had to fly out the night before to be able to drive up to this place, um, and whatnot, but I was responsible for all of that okay sort of stuff, and that's good to know and we and there's help out there for that too, for travel expenses yeah so don't let that stop you.
Speaker 1If you, if you want to go to a retreat or something like that, and maybe the retreat's free or maybe it's not, but the travel expenses are not free, don't let that hold you back. Reach out to us, we'll. We'll find a donor, we'll find somebody to help take care of that, because our whole goal is to kind of remove all the barriers that people have to get help, and I did not have any personal expenses for me to go out there at all that's cool and I know you know you said, going in, nobody knew anything, but coming out you told people.
Speaker 1That's kind of how the places like this work. You kind of go in there and you feel like you're the only broken one, lost one. You think, yeah, they're all. They all may be bad, but they, once they hear me, they're gonna understand. I'm a piece of crap. So you kind of start to like, um, yeah, I don't know where I was going with that, but what was I saying?
Speaker 3well, I think it's interesting you say that, because I think one of my struggles was imposter syndrome. There you go, it's kind of interesting that you, I don't know.
WCPR: West Coast Post Trauma Retreat
Speaker 1Yeah, I struggled hard with imposter syndrome in the academy and we speak at the academy every week. They all still deal with it. We deal with that imposter syndrome and then you deal with it. For me anyway, I dealt with it once I got into law enforcement and then once I went to detective. Like each step of that and yeah, it's, the imposter syndrome is is probably one of the biggest things that held me back, because I thought, because myself was telling myself, see, you're not created to do this, you're not man enough to do this, you're not this to do that, you know, tell me that lie to do this. You're not this to do that, you know, tell me that lie, because that's what the enemy wants to tell you you don't belong. Because if he can tell you you don't belong, then you won't belong to anything. You'll be by yourself, you'll be in isolation, which is what he wants.
Speaker 1But I love just hearing you guys talk about this organization, how they meet you, how they meet you there and they love on you. Um, gentry, can you what's day-to-day like there? I mean, is it are we waking up and we're doing wind sprints and emdr and all that before coffee, or is it kind of a relaxed setting, because there's work that happens at these. They're not. It's not a vacation, is it?
Speaker 1no, it's intense yeah you're not digging ditches, but you're doing some mental, some mental health work. Is that right, right?
Speaker 4Yes, very much so. So what's it like day to day? So usually first thing during the day there's some optional stuff you have in the beginning of the morning. They have yoga pretty early. If you want to do yoga, you can do yoga.
Speaker 1I like yogurt. Do they got yogurt?
Speaker 4They do have yogurt. I'll do yogurt, but then after that you can go to breakfast if you want breakfast, and they have a chapel time. It's usually about 15, 20 minutes, I think is what it was. And there's also opportunities like in the morning.
Speaker 4If you don't want to do yoga, you can go on a run, go work out, kind of do your own thing for a little bit, but then once 8.15 hits, that's when your day really starts, starts, and that is when the work really starts, um, and then throughout the day, basically you do, I mean you you dive into all the thoughts and the feelings that you could possibly imagine, um, and it's kind of like structured differently, like you'll go into smaller groups throughout the day, um, or you'll do more like education type stuff throughout the day. It's just each day is structured that way, but it's all about different kind of stuff, um, but yeah, they're very, they're also very long days. You don't typically get done until. Correct me if I'm wrong, I think it was like eight to ten at night somewhere. The first night is usually the longest, um, but it's all very challenging work, yeah, so when you say challenging, when we say work, let's unpack that.
Speaker 1What is work at something like this? What does challenging mean at something like this? Because it's not physical, although it can be, because I know for me I get really sick when I go to those. All of a sudden, I have the flu right before I need to go. So you have those. But what do we mean by mental health work? What do we mean by that? Why is it hard? Because it's not physically hard. So what's so hard about it?
Speaker 4For me, the biggest thing, um was I. I just don't trust people. Like I don't know, when I even got there with the first night, we were, you know, starting to unpack stuff in our big group and I'm like I haven't told them, I'm like I don't want to be here, like I'm ready to go home, like I don't want to do this At one point during the week Connor can witness this. I threw a chair Like I was. I was.
Speaker 1Atta girl.
Speaker 4I was over it at a lot of points.
Speaker 1Sometimes you just got to throw a damn chair.
Speaker 4Go. You know you just got to get it out, but it I don't. I didn't trust people, but by the end of the week, from the, from the Sunday that I got there, there's not a single person there that I would have trusted with an ounce or anything, any thought that I had. By the end of the week, every single person in that room would have taken a bullet for me, and I know it a hundred percent, wow so it's like we would have taken it the first day of it.
Speaker 4Yes, I think that's where, like the challenging work throughout that that week, like I went from I didn't want to be there, like I knew I needed to be there but I didn't didn't want to at the same time. But then by the end of the week, all the work that had happened and just by being served in the relationships that you build even when you're so reluctant to it, like it was just incredible so I went to a really bad.
Speaker 1I've gone to counseling a lot over my life, but counselors are great. I like Jeremy's thing. They're they're good or bad, or they're like shoes they're good or bad, or some of them stink. I like that, but it's. It's kind of true. What the heck was I going to say? I lose my train of thought. You, true. What the heck was I going to say? I lose my train of thought? You guys have been with me today. You guys know how ADHD I can be and how much I lose my thought. Where was I going with that? This is a fun game we play on the podcast.
Speaker 4What was?
Speaker 1Dan thinking what was he saying for 200?
Speaker 4Challenging work. Talking about challenging work during the week.
Speaker 1Yeah, what's that? Trust, trust, so, trust, so yeah, so how long did it take for that? For that I don't know. I know what I was going to say in this bad counseling one. The guy didn't peel the young and he put the day money on the table and hit it with a slow jammer and it was like he tried to break me too fast, too quick, with no trust. It was very hurtful. Uh, yeah, it went down a dark place. Um see, now I started thinking about my trauma and then I started doing that it's not at all like that.
Speaker 4I'll just okay.
Speaker 1I'll just say you see the trauma going on in my head.
Speaker 4That's like no. No, I would say that you get there on a Sunday and you leave on a Friday. For me the shift really started to happen. Like I noticed that I was actually starting to trust people around Wednesday night, like I noticed. I noticed that Wednesday night, like I, I sat with people for like 30 minutes after we got all done with our work and I was actually wouldn't say I was talkative, but I was able to sit there and then, you know, by Thursday night, like I'm playing pickleball, like having a blast.
Speaker 1That's awesome.
Speaker 4So I mean it's not like you're expected to be fully trustworthy and open.
Speaker 1They're safe about it, right they slowly. You do it slowly. It's not like you just walk in there and start spilling out everything you've ever done since fifth grade.
Speaker 3I feel like they also. Everyone there is culturally competent.
Speaker 1That's easy to say, that was strong and that matters. That makes a huge difference. Yeah, that they're aware. At least they'll know that they're aware of our job, they're aware of what we deal with in a way that you don't have to mansplain it to them.
Speaker 4Actually with that too. Maybe you can help me explain. All the clinicians there.
Speaker 2Yeah, so we have the three that we've had this last retreat. One did a full career in a local sheriff's department, treat um. One did a full career in a local sheriff's department. Another one worked in the fbi and about a decade or so there, and then the other one has a brother and husband who are in either law enforcement or firefighter. So they all have either done it or been around it, and it's about the only place that you can go and never have to explain the terminology you're using, the things you're talking about. You don't get these random looks of oh my goodness, I can't believe they're talking about this.
Speaker 2Um, you know my, my clinician, who actually runs, helps run this she talks about. If you were to tell the stuff that you tell me to other therapists, they would need to go see someone.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Because it's so. It's so much different than the average person going to get help.
Speaker 1Yeah, you see, it's, it's, it's, yeah, a lot of darkness.
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 1Yeah, but it sounds like that's what I wanted to get down to. It sounds like this place is very safe with everybody it's and and I've known gentry for a little while you made it through it, girl. That's awesome, and I know how hard that was for you leaning up to it and the amount of dedication you put into that, the amount of fear that you had to overcome. With all of that. I'm so freaking proud of you. Thank you, and I know Sheila is too. I'm just glad we're all sitting here. The family path what's it like day to day?
Speaker 3So same thing we get there on Sunday.
Speaker 1Are we doing yogurt and yoga, or?
Speaker 3Well, I didn't, because I do not get up at 6 am. I did show up for chapel because chapel was amazing. That actually, really honestly, that changed a lot of it for me, in my sense of, with my faith.
Speaker 4Really.
Speaker 3It was the chapel aspect there and you don't have to go to it, but the lady that we had out there was just amazing. Like I can't even put her into words, that's cool.
Breaking Down Barriers to Trust
Speaker 3And so that, yeah, changed a lot for me, but it was family style. So we all, like, sat at big round tables, um, uh, all the clients were together, peers were in there for some of it, for, like, the educational purposes. They were the ones leading those classes and then we'd break out into small groups, um, emdr, and they did brain spotting as well.
Speaker 3Oh cool Individual sessions. But yeah, no, it was, and we went from eight, eight, 15 in the morning until around nine o'clock at night. Um, and I will say the same thing Wednesday was my, wednesday was my game changer.
Speaker 1Really, so it took a couple of days.
Speaker 3Oh yeah.
Speaker 1Why do you think it took a couple of days?
Speaker 3Um couple days, oh yeah, why do you think it took a couple days? Um, well, I the guard. Yet I learned that I apparently have some sort of abandonment issues, um, and so I struggled just being out there, so far away from home, um, and so I just really I just wanted to be home and then also I was like this isn't, this isn't going to make a difference for me. Like I know how to do all of these same things at home, so why am I this far from my family, my 2-year-old, that sort of stuff? And then, wednesday, I just really saw a huge shift in my mindset, and I think it was just because we dug so deep in that group therapy that day.
Speaker 1So so, but was did so. Was there a trust that was built up over those first two days, though, with the other people around it? Were you uncomfortable around the staff or the other, the other family members?
Speaker 3I would say I was more uncomfortable around the clients because again that imposter syndrome they probably have it worse than I do. What am I doing here? I don't fit in. Um for me, when, um, my husband had his officer involved shooting, I was just his girlfriend. Um, we'd been dating for a couple of years but we weren't married. So I really struggled with that imposter syndrome of like do I really fit into this.
Speaker 3I wasn't his spouse at the time and and at that point it'd been almost, I think we would we'd been at like three years, and so also I was struggling with like OK, it's been three years, like get it together. Why, what's taking you so long?
Speaker 2So yeah, Well thanks for sharing that. Yeah, I mean I know kind of the same. I struggled. Wednesday was also my turning point. That usually is for a lot of people, but one of the main things that was a struggle for me and I think it's kind of the same for gentry was I mean I was 24 when I went through it and the next closest was like 45 who was who was a client there. So I felt this super. Just like what am I doing here?
Speaker 1Grandkids feel kind of feel like a grandkid a little bit, a little bit but it was.
Speaker 2It was one of those things where it's like you know, I've only been on for when I had my my uh incident. I had my incident, I had only been on for two, two and a half years and it just didn't feel like that was my place to be there when there's guys who have done 20 years, 20 year careers and are sitting at this table. And it was that point when I realized, after they started opening up as well, that they're dealing stuff with stuff that happened one, two, three years into their career and now I've been dealing with it for two decades and that's why they're in such a rough spot and their family's falling apart and they're alcoholics and all this. And it was like that was kind of the switch in my mindset to realize, oh, this is actually a huge blessing that I had the right people in my in my life at the right time to be able to come to something like this and start that healing process so early.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's. That's awesome. You notice how all of us here it seems like we tried to disqualify ourselves for for help.
Speaker 1You guys. I see it every day with every first responder we help. We try to do like oh, yeah, yeah, like, get, get. No, somebody else will need that, don't. I know I need it, but now they'll need it worse, or I, I'm not bad enough, somebody else has, they have it worse.
Speaker 1We can't compare our trauma. I used to do that my whole career. You can't compare your trauma because if you hurt, you're hurt. Dang it, that's all there is to it. We don't need to compare. If you get your legs shot and somebody else gets their legs shot, that doesn't help you any. They know that they got shot like it's, it's like it would. But thank you for sharing that, because a lot of us feel like that, going there, the enemy will try to stop us from going, saying there's either you're not worthy, you don't have it bad enough, or you don't belong there, and it's one of the biggest lies. He tells us that that stops people from getting help is the fear of getting over that, and it sounds like it takes till Wednesday for for somebody to kind of loosen up. But that doesn't surprise me one bit.
Speaker 3I mean, for first responders really, by Wednesday is pretty good, I mean well, I mean I left with a certificate that said I had 42 hours of intense therapy or something not therapy, but so I mean you can imagine how many hours we had to put in to. It was very intense yeah not not a retreat walk in the park like?
Speaker 1so if there's somebody listening right now that's scared because they're afraid it's going to be too much work or they don't want to, what? What would you say about the too much work thing? Was it worth it?
Speaker 4Oh yeah, Absolutely.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's my most exhausting week of my year and I want to keep going back.
Speaker 3That's pretty cool. I mean, I can walk out of there and say it changed my life. I'd do it over and over again.
Speaker 1That's pretty powerful, Like would you say the same 100%, it was life-changing. I can tell the difference when you got back. Yeah, you can tell that you finally found the place, and that's another thing. If you go to a place and it doesn't work, don't quit. Not every place is for everybody and we've had people we sent that they go to an organization and it's perfect for them, and the next person we send it's a complete flop and that's okay.
Speaker 3That's okay, they're also. One of the spouses in my group also was she was going to go back and go through the program a second time. So they've actually had other people that have gone through it multiple times because they had so much that they needed to work through.
Speaker 1So is it just trauma Do they talk about, you know, marriage issues and like that kind of stuff, like all the destruction that happens from it, or is it everybody's wiggling right now?
Speaker 3What's happening. Okay, I'm gonna say I went out there with the mindset of my husband's done this to me. He's what has made me so irritable and angry and put me in this bad spot spot, because, by God, I was not going to be the suspects, I was not going to be another victim in this, and so I I, I don't know, it's just I went out there because I was going to come back with the tools to fix my husband, because then that was going to fix everything in my life. Um, and that's not. I mean you cover so much like.
The Healing Journey and Imposter Syndrome
Speaker 3I am somebody that I would say I grew up with little to no childhood. I have an, a square of a one. My parents got divorced. Like I did not realize that you, you know, some of my childhood is why I had these abandonment issues or why I don't like to leave home. No, you dig deep, but it's like and like. While I said no, I think my focus for my other trauma, or my underlying trauma, is going to be something else. And they went a totally different route, and I'm glad that they did.
Speaker 1Wow, so why were you doing that?
Speaker 4It's uh, I can't even explain it Like you go in there thinking like, oh, they're going to hit on the same stuff that I've been going to therapy for, I think, five years, multiple different therapists. You know it didn't really feel like things were really working for me, but they care about you and love you so much that they and I'm not saying that you know the therapists and stuff that I've seen don't care and don't love, but it's just so much more intense because you live with these people for a week that they hit on things in a way that I don't want to like spoil it for anybody that goes there, but they hit on things that make you feel like somebody truly cares about you, like a hundred percent, like coming from somebody that I couldn't tell you.
Speaker 4the last time I fully trusted somebody and every single person in that room that I was there that week that I went I just went three weeks ago I think it was I know for a fact they would all take a bullet for me in a heartbeat, like they just hit on things in a way that it just so healing and it's like connor said too like it's not like you go in there thinking that you have to talk about only the, the work stuff. They hit on aspects that you don't think that you're going down there to talk about and it uh hits you in a different way.
Speaker 1so yeah, and we need. We need places like this because if we could fix it on ourself, we would have done it. If we could fix it, we would have done it. We need help. We need places like this and it's so refreshing to hear about a place who loves on everybody so well. It's hard to find and I don't know these people. You guys should reach out to us. I want to get to know you and maybe have you on the podcast as well, but I love the heart of this place and I know you know I met connor just recently, but, knowing the two of you and what they've done for you, I've seen it and I think it's pretty amazing. So we're going to go and close out this episode. We're going to do another one here for anybody wants to stick around. We're going to cover some more things, but I really wanted to get this one out there because this is a place you can reach out to. Right now. You can go ahead and reach out to them, whether it's imagine you go to their website.
Speaker 2Yeah, I mean, just a quick Google search will get you to whatever web page you need, and the beauty is there's, I think, four or five different locations around the US that are doing them, so it's not always a long wait.
Speaker 1Okay, and I'll put a link into the, into the description stuff too, so you have it. So, before we leave gentry, any last words on this place and I keep. I keep looking at you and I'm made this but because I know that. I know and I don't want to share too much, but I know the the struggle you had finding the right help like. It took a while and we tried a lot of different things, but that's okay.
Speaker 1We we keep trying and and so I'm so excited to get goosebumps because I saw how many things you've tried and then to see this and the fruits of it. It's pretty powerful, so check them out. What's the name of it? Again, I don't know.
Speaker 2Somebody tell me the name of this place west coast post trauma retreat and it's through the first responder support network there it is.
Speaker 1It sounds like an organization, you guys. You know, if you realize our organization and a lot of organizations, it's not anything complicated we're doing. We're getting back to the biblical principles of loving on each other, giving each other grace, giving each other forgiveness and being in community. It's really. What we do is kind of simple we just show up and we're real. So thank you guys for being here and sharing that, because there's people listening right now that this could be the very first day they start their healing journey, because you guys had the courage to share your imperfections. So thank you. I know that's hard, but it matters. So thank you for tuning in. Looks like we've got about 41 minutes. We love you, guys and we'll see you on the next episode.