The Weight We Carry - A Spouse's Story With Breanna

The laughter at the ranch fades when Breanna opens up about loving a first responder through an officer-involved shooting, postpartum turbulence, and the quiet exhaustion of being everyone’s caretaker. She didn’t grow up in the culture, but working in a jail gave her a front-row seat to stress. What she didn’t expect was how much of that stress would follow her home, how isolating the spouse role can be, and how quickly compassion can run dry when you never get to decompress.

We walked through the day, and everything changed. Breanna explains why healing isn’t a finish line; it’s a practice built from small habits that hold under pressure. The turning point came at an SOS retreat for significant others and spouses. She arrived ready to fix her husband and left with something harder and more hopeful: the courage to start with herself. That shift—owning needs, setting boundaries, and communicating clearly—reshaped their marriage and gave their kids a steadier home.

If you’re a first responder partner who feels invisible or stuck waiting for your loved one to “go first,” this conversation offers a map. We share practical tools for decompression, simple check-in rituals, and language that cuts through defensiveness. We also talk about building real community outside the department, from local spouse meetups to future retreats in the Midwest, so no one has to navigate trauma alone. Need support or resources?

 Breanna is available at Breanna@10-42project.org or 515-418-0350. If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more families find their way back to solid ground.

Reach out to Breanna: Breanna@10-42project.org or 515-418-0350. No one walks alone

If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline. 

To contact us directly send an email to  Dan@10-42project.org  or call 515-350-6274
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Transcript

Chaotic Cold Open At The Ranch

unknown 0:01

What's that?

SPEAKER_03 0:02

Don't worry about me. I'm just trying to figure out.

SPEAKER_02 0:04

You guys do you.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

He's just over there strapping everything down.

unknown 0:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hey, that's all right. Hey, you find out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

There's just a there's weight to it.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yeah. And it kind of like I kind of like the idea you were just doing. Why did you unstrap it?

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Yeah, I because you guys won't let me focus long enough to get it figured out. All right.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Hey, everybody let Jake focus. Ready? Brianna, are you letting him focus? Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

Stop breathing so loud.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Go breathe. Jake's trying to get his headphones strapped. There you go. There we go.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

That's better.

Setting The Scene And Host Banter

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Oh, by the way, we're live. Welcome to the shared voices podcast. Got some friends with us today that some of you may know or not know. Jake's just getting settled in here and we're just having some fun. Hi, Jake.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

Hey, Dan. Thanks for being in a minute.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

We're glad you're with you, Jake. Hi, Jetry.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Hi, Dan.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

How you doing, Brian? I see everybody giggling.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

I'm doing great.

Meet Brianna And The K9 Story

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Well, man, I'm glad to have all you guys on. Hey, we don't have a guest today because why do we need one sometimes? All of us have enough to say. So yeah, we brought everybody on here today. We're just going to have some, we're going to have a conversation or two. We're back out at Godspeed Equine back at the ranch. Beautiful ranch, just a little chilly today. You may hear the wind howling a little bit. That is not Jake howling, that is the wind. But uh, we're just happy to be here and we're gonna get started with uh Brianna. Um Brianna, last time on a couple episodes ago, you were on there, and we got to talk a little bit about um you and and your husband Jim, who was a deputy, and kind of some of the struggles, some of the calls he was on that really kind of impacted not just him, but it impacted your whole family. Um so I kind of wanted to jump back in that um for this episode, and Jake and Gentry can chime in as well. Everybody kind of has their own questions and their own stories, but um what tell us a little bit about you and Jim. When you get married a uh a police officer, um, when did you serve when you did that, when did you learn that this wasn't just a normal job or or were you raised around a first responder world? Did you know what you were getting into when you when you said I do to a to a first responder?

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Well, I was not raised around it. Um I actually had started working in uh the jail. I'd been there for probably a year or so um before I met Jim. Um and so I kind of had like my own interactions uh with you know the inmates and the and law enforcement personnel before I kind of jumped headfirst into a relationship with um an officer.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

So But you were working in the jail, you weren't in jail, right? Correct. I was working I was yes, yes. I was uh at that time anyway. All right. I thought maybe Jim was the one feeding you like Yes. So you went into the you went into the first responder world on your own.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Yeah, yeah, you could say that.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Okay, and then you came across um hunky, hunky hunky man.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

It was the canine that did it for me.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

This is making sense now. So tell me that story. Um you must have had a dog.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Yes, yes. Uh he had canine rage. Um and I just I loved dogs already. And so um the sheriff took me out one day and was like, hey, I want you to meet this dog. And and then I actually ended up meeting Jim as well. So I was hooked, hooked up with the dog.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

That's great. So what if we wouldn't have had a dog? No, I'm just kidding. Don't answer that.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yeah, he might listen to this.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Did you say the dog's name was Rage?

SPEAKER_01 3:53

Yes, her name was Rage. Wow, she was Shepherd, German Shepherd. Uh no, she was Belgian Mal.

Dating A Cop And The Shooting

unknown 3:58

Ah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

I understand that name. All right. Sometimes I feel rage, man. I get better every day, but man, sometimes I still struggle.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

The dog named Rage. I uh I can't wait to get my dog. I know you have a dog, but I can't wait to get one. I think about it every day. Yeah, they're a blessing. The more I don't have one, the more I realize how much I need one. You know, just going around, meeting with different people, going around, and it just it would help me a lot. And I think it'd help a lot of people a lot. So you so you meet dog, you meet the you meet Jim. Um, so how did it go from you guys meeting he had a dog to now you're married and you are now a spouse of a first responder? Well, um it was spin the bottle and landed on Jim.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Yes, that that's pretty much what it was. Um no, I we just connected on a lot of different things and um you know, and it was it was fun. This I mean it was an exciting world to kind of step into um and really get more um involved, I guess, throughout our dating. Like I ride-alongs, um ri going with him out to uh we went out to Iowa City and I rode like as a matron to pick up some pick up an inmate and and whatnot. So I don't know, we just kind of connected, spent a lot of time together and and now here we are, I don't even know how many years, six or seven years later, I think. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Yeah. So awesome. Yeah. So uh going in going into the going into the relationship, you probably didn't know at that time, you know, you being a first responder, working in a jail, him being a first responder, did you how long before you guys started having a relationship? Well, it was probably before you got married, right? Because isn't that when Jim's incident happened? Yeah. Um you guys kind of got thrown in the fire right away.

Girlfriends, Spouses, And Belonging

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Yeah. So we had dated for probably about a year. Um, yeah, we started dating in 2018, and then um his officer-involved shooting was October 17th of 2019. Um, and so that's kind of where I I really struggled with my imposter syndrome was that I wasn't his spouse at the time. Um, we'd just kind of been dating, and so I was just like, okay, you know, what I'm just his girlfriend, so trauma doesn't affect the girlfriends, right? Right. You have to be you have to be a spouse for for the trauma to get to you. But um, and so yeah, that which you know this there could be something with that because the trauma really didn't impact me until I was the spouse. Um really. Uh just being a smart ass there.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Um I uh yes, it just once you put the ring on, then the trauma comes with the ring. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Um well, I know this. There's a lot of people listening right now that are in a relationship with a first responder, and I know that sometimes you kind of feel like you don't belong when you're not married. It's hard enough as a spouse to be included into healing, into the the first responder world. Um it's like there's some special as long as you have a ring, then all of a sudden we'll help you, which I think is silly. If you're in a relationship with a first responder, it shouldn't matter whether you're married or not. Trauma's trauma. Um when when we go through hard things, it we go through hard things. And I know for most of the people I meet with on a regular basis that reach out to our organization for help, it's um they're struggling with their marriage. And a lot of us because of the trauma, and a lot of us don't know how to deal and handle and cope with trauma within a relationship. And when we go through that, it can either draw us closer together if we're intentional, or it can push us apart. Um so for anybody who is listening and you're in that position where you're like, hey, I'm in a relationship with the first responder, but maybe I'm not married. You still matter. You matter to us, you are included in everything we do. Um so please know that you belong. Because I know a lot of people we meet with, they don't feel like they belong to anything, but you belong here. And I'm sure that's probably a little bit what you had to feel with is like, what's my role during that?

Isolation And The Spouse Experience

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Yeah, and it's it's very isolating because um if your spouse isn't opening up to you or sharing kind of what they're experiencing in the workforce, um, or just other spouses, like if there's not a connection with those other spouses, you're extremely isolated. And so you don't have anyone else to connect with. Um, and I think that was a a huge uh thing that I struggled with was that connection um with other spouses that had gone through the same ex the exact same experience that I had with that exact same shooting. Um, when we did our debriefing, we did have a spouse one. Um, and I were working in the mental health field at the time of that. I was was very active with with that debriefing and um really tried to make those connections. Um, but each one of us experienced that situation differently, handled it differently, and coped with it um differently. And so um I was not able to make those connections with with other spouses that were involved in the exact same incident.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Yeah, I feel like in the in the first responder world, we like we like to have clicks and we like to have groups and we like to include the ones we want to include and then exclude everybody else. Um I think it's dangerous when we do that. When we start to click up in groups at work and we start to do it's almost the us against them within our own departments, and we get clicky, and it can happen at any level, and and and I think that's what's causing a lot of the hurt and the pain is how we're treating each other because sometimes we don't include each other, we exclude each other, or we make people feel like they don't belong. Yeah, 100%. Right. And when you feel like you don't belong, I mean you feel like you have nowhere to go. You feel like you don't have a community. And uh I think that's something that probably drew you into our organization and why you're such a big part of our organization now.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Yeah, yep, absolutely. It's yeah, there's no judgment and all are welcome. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

So you guys have a couple kids?

Burnout, Postpartum, And Caretaking

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Yep, yep. We uh we got married in um 2021 and had a baby a couple of months later. Um and honestly, it was probably about then that I would say things really started to spiral for us. Um because we were a couple of years out from the incident. Um we were to the point, um, like I said, with my history background in mental health, like Jim was my focus and really um making sure that Jim had gotten to where he needed to be um with his own growth and healing. Um and so I I feel like I also really burnt myself out because I it's what I was doing at work is I'm the mental health and substance use connection for um the inmates, and then I'm um, you know, helping law enforcement with mental health calls, and then I'm coming home and having to sort of continue that that mental health caretaking role. Um, and so that was that was difficult. And then throwing some postpartum stuff. Um, and it just we I say we, I spiraled um at that point, and I feel like I finally left that uh fight or flight mode, and I just was I was sinking. There was it wasn't was not good, but I didn't have those resources around here, so I didn't know where to turn to.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

And it's hard to pour from an empty cup, right? We only have we only have so many calories of emotions in a day. Yeah. Like, I mean, really, that you get emotionally numb after a while, whether it's having a long day or a long week, um, there comes a time where you you have a lot of compassion and empathy, but you know, a lot of times, sometimes at 10 a.m. I have a lot of compassion and empathy, but check with me at 10 and 10 o'clock at night and I may not have that, right? Yeah. And then then we then we're with the ones we love the most during those times, where then when they also need help and support, it can feel like there's no more, there's never any time for you to even figure out who you are or where you are or how you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Yeah, I didn't really have any time for like to decompress from everything that I had, you know, taken on for the day at work and then to come home and and kind of feel like I'm always on. Um, so yeah, it was just not having that that time and space to just decompress and and unplug from everything.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Yeah, and I know sometimes for me, at least at the beginning, I don't anymore. But especially in your role where you're you're going out and you're talking about mental health and you're doing all this stuff and you're helping other people. I know for me anyway, then I'd get home and then I'm kind of almost feel like a hypocrite because here I am struggling and I'm, you know, and I'm dealing with it, but you're not a hypocrite. Healing is a journey. Yeah. It's up and down, and it's it's I always I always had in my mind what that healing was just like a it was like you get to the finish line and you're better and everything's over, but it's not like that.

Healing Is Not A Finish Line

SPEAKER_01 13:38

No, it's absolutely not like that. I mean, it's kind of an ongoing thing and you have to work at it every day. Um, and then when you don't work at it, you have your plane catch up to get back to where you were. So, um, which is definitely something I mean I've I've seen along the way um in in our journey. Um is is it just it ebbs and flows, and but you have to make sure that you are able to have those conversations with your spouse, which was something that I had to learn along the way was was to be able to have those conversations, to communicate what I need and want from him. Um, because he doesn't know that if I don't communicate that. So that was something that I had to learn. Um, the retreat really, um, the SOS retreat really helped with that.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

So um you said something so interesting in the last episode that you and I recorded out here. You said that you went to that retreat trying to find a way to fix your husband, but yet you finally found the answers you needed, and it had to do with fixing yourself first. Is that is that how you worded it? I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it was something to that point of like you went there to find answers to fix him, but you ended up getting help yourself.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Yeah, absolutely. Um that uh that was what I I thought I was going out there for, was because uh he was the problem, not me. Um, you know, we were kind of in this mess because of him. Um, I was constantly, even before his incident, um, there was a lot of uh tragic events that happen out there um where he worked. And so I was constantly kind of on him about, you know, you can't just talk about the calls that you go on with the other officers. Like you need to talk about that with somebody else. You need to go uh get some help on that because all you guys are doing are stacking each other's trauma on top of each each other. So now we've got a big trauma sandwich with multiple officers stacked in there. And um it took uh I mean it took a lot of convincing, but it also took a lot of um it took a very serious incident to uh get him to see that and then and then step into that. And so I'm not gonna lie, like I thought that I was going out there to fix him. Uh but I was what I found was I was actually probably using his trauma to hide my own, to mask that and say that no, I'm I'm out here to figure out ways to to fix him, to get him whole again, um rather than actually seeing and accepting what I was going through and and experiencing.

The SOS Retreat Breakthrough

SPEAKER_00 16:28

I think that's pretty cool, honestly. That shows the love you have for Jim. Yeah. You were willing to go through the because let's be real, it can be uncomfortable when you go to these at first. Yeah. You were willing to go through that and all that. Because if you thought if I could bring back one one tool that could maybe help my husband, I'm willing to do it. That's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah. And I had no idea what I was going to be stepping into going out out to that retreat, honestly. Like, I mean, they make a retreat sound like it's sunshine and rainbows, but I can tell you that far from. Yeah, no, no, no. There was there was a lot of work and and healing, and um yeah, but I'm forever grateful for it. It it changed my life and it changed it, it you know, changed my marriage and and has quite honestly created a a wonderful solid family unit for my children.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

I love that. And that's why like when it comes to getting help, like we get help while we're given help. And you know, you went there to try to find help for for your husband, and you know, finding help for yourself and your family. Yeah, I think that's pretty cool, and that took a lot of courage for you to do um and some uncomfortableness, but it's uncomfortable either way, if you don't address it or if you do address it. Um, I love it hearing how much you and Gentry talk about that organization and how much they really helped both of you. Um pretty cool, pretty cool place. If you guys, if you don't know about this, listeners, um Brianna and Gentry, I'm gonna turn this over to you for a couple minutes. Um, talk about I know Gentry, you were there for the first responder side, but talk about the family side because there's a lot of spouses that are hurting and struggling and they feel like they have to be the savior for their husband. You do not have to be the savior for the for your husband. Um encourage him to get help. Um, but ultimately help we have to work on ourselves. And there's a lot of spouses out there that are struggling, that are waiting for their husbands or their their spouses to get help, and they'll start getting help when their husband starts getting help. But there's a way that as a spouse you can help yourself, whether your husband wants to be part of it or not. Um, so let's talk a little bit about that. That um, and I know we covered it, but let's go over it real quick on the spousal side of that trip, what it was like, um, who it was for, um, and mentioned WC PR. PR. Yeah. All right. So they have a family side for spouses, correct?

Fixing Him By Starting With You

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Yep. SOS, significant others and spouses. Um, and it's through the first responder support network. Um, and I'm I really liked how what you had just said there about the like I you think you're going out there to help your spouse, but you're really going out there to help you. And it doesn't have to be about your spouse. Like in your healing journey, like you do have the right to be selfish, I feel like. Um and by being selfish and doing that work on for your on yourself, it just for us, it radiated into our relationship and and it gave Jim kind of that drive to uh want to continue that healing journey with me. And that was definitely a conversation that we had when we returned was, or when I returned, was that he had said, like, you're making this these steps of growth, you're moving on. And, you know, like what about me? And so it was a hard conversation of uh, well, you I mean, you either are on this journey with me and you move forward with me, or you stay stuck where you're at. Um, and I don't think I could have had that conversation with him prior to the retreat. Um, I joked that we couldn't have done marriage um counseling because I would have said something that we couldn't come back from. And so the retreat really taught me uh how to communicate uh better with him. Um, and it it just, I don't know, it was so ironic to me that like this is what I did all day, every day, and I could tell people to do this, but I couldn't do it for myself. And so um I'm huge in like it's okay to ask for help and to utilize those resources and you don't know what tools that you don't have in your toolbox that are out there as well. So it was just it was really great.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

That's awesome. That's great because so many spouses want to wait for their husband to get better, just get better yourself. Correct. He will your other spouse your spouse will either join you like you said, or they won't, but that's not a that shouldn't determine if you continue to get help for yourself.

Communication Tools That Actually Work

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Correct. That shouldn't be, you know, it shouldn't hinder you in your growth. Um and so yeah, I it was it was a struggle, but I mean, once I understood that, I fully embraced it and and kind of ran with it. And like I said, it just kind of bled into him as well.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

So I love that. And that's why Brianna uh Brianna is the is running our our family resources side and our family connection side because she gets it, she's been there, she knows she knows, and I appreciate you doing that for us because there's a lot of um family that don't feel like they're included in the healing process. They feel like it's just for their first responder. And I know as we go forward, you and I have talked about you know building the program up to where we have we're having retreats for spouses to where they can come and and this you guys can have your own retreats and help in a way that um if they can't go to that other retreat, that they can get some help here locally. And uh so stay tuned for that. Coming up, we're gonna have dates for next year's retreats um coming up, and that's one we definitely want to get going.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Yeah, I would love for that because we don't have anything like that out here um in the Midwest. And I mean, I don't really know of much other than the SOS retreat anywhere else. So I think it would be a great, great resource to have.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

I love it. I love it. I think we're gonna shut it down for now and start another one. Brianna, thank you so much for sharing that. I know it's hard to share for me anyway, or sometimes it's hard to share your family business, right? It can be tough, but thank you for sharing that because there's spouses that are listening going, wow, that's me.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

Yep.

Spouses Don’t Need Permission To Heal

SPEAKER_00 22:36

That's where I was at. And I don't want to be there anymore. They just don't know how to get help. And I know you are a huge resource, and I know that you're okay with people reaching out to you if they want to talk. Is that correct? Yep. Yep. What is a good email for them and a good phone number if you want to share that? Um because last I knew your new email is Brianna at 10-42project.org. Yes, that's Brianna at 10-42project.org. Um reach out to her on that. Um she would love to get connected with you. Um Do you want to share your number? You don't have to if you don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Yeah, it doesn't matter. My number's on my card that uh you graciously had made for me. Uh 515-418-0350.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Yeah, so reach out. You don't have to do this alone. We may not always be right. We may not always have the perfect answer, but we promise we'll be real. We'll always be real with you. We care about you. You're not alone. Please don't be the please don't just sit back and be like, well, that helps for somebody else. I don't need it. It's for you. It's for you. If you you're struggling, if your marriage is struggling, if your family is struggling, please don't walk alone. That's the number one thing that we say here in our organization is that no one walks alone. So thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you guys next week. Have a blessed week, and we love you all.