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Shared Voice by 10-42 Project, A First Responder Podcast
"Shared Voices"
The 10-42 Project is a faith-based resource and refuge organization dedicated to supporting first responders. We equip individuals with essential mental health tools, restore hope during times of crisis, and guide people toward a renewed purpose through the everlasting love of Jesus.
Shared Voice by 10-42 Project, A First Responder Podcast
From Heartbreak To Healing: Lindy Brown's Story (Part 2)
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A quiet ranch, a heavy truth, and a voice brave enough to carry both. Lindy returns to share the story of her husband Jeff—a state trooper, a protector, and a man undone by untreated PTSD—and how a culture of silence can turn pain into catastrophe. We walk through the slow burn of cumulative trauma: first-on-scene moments that never leave, sleep that never restores, and the fear that asking for help will cost a badge. The conversation is raw but guided by purpose: surface the signs, remove the shame, and make room for action.
Lindy recounts the night everything changed with heartbreaking clarity—control, speed, fragmented questions, and then the words “It’s too late for that.”
If you’re a firefighter, officer, EMT, or dispatcher sitting in silence, hear this without varnish: the world is not better without you. Therapy is wisdom, not weakness. Faith can anchor you, but you also need peers and professionals who normalize help. We close with hope—stories like Lindy’s can change culture.
If this conversation resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find these lifelines. And if you need a voice on the other end, reach out. We will call you back.
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
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Welcome back to another episode of the Shared Voices podcast. We're just kind of trying to get our stuff together here. Me and Jake are just rambling on like oh he's not making any sense.
SPEAKER_02But hi Jake. Hey Dan.
Lindy Returns To Share More
SPEAKER_00How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. It's nice to be back here at the ranch. It is. It's sunny. There's horses. We got a dog here today. We got Tucker with us. Rand is here. We got Gentry. Hi, Dakota. And we're ready for an interview. You ready for an interview? This is gonna be part two with Lindy. Lindy, thank you for coming back.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for having me back.
SPEAKER_00Yes. I'm so glad we met.
SPEAKER_01Me too.
SPEAKER_00I just you know how when you meet people you just know God brought them into your life? I do. Yeah. See that with you, sis. I love it. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I know it can't be easy. Um but I know what I've gotten to know about you is you're hard to make sure that other people know they're not alone.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that there's there's hope and there's healing out there, and and your husband died by suicide, and we covered we we kind of got up to that point um last time in the episode, and we're gonna go on to part two and and talk some more about that. And and thank you for being on here because I think when people can hear this type of stuff, it makes it real and it makes them maybe understand some of the importance of just reaching out and knowing that it's okay to not be okay.
SPEAKER_01It's important to talk about it.
Early Signs And Growing PTSD
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So I'm glad you're here. Thank you. So we ended the podcast. Um, if you got to hear part one, um you're caught up. But if you haven't, go back and listen to part one um of this of this episode. I think it's pretty powerful. I think to to just hear Lindy's story and and just her marriage with Jeff and and how everything with the kids they have, and kind of how when life was going good. And then we get in this line of work and we start to lose our way, and we slowly start to become people that were not, we deal with depression, then things get heavy, and and uh we go into isolation and we be we become people that were not. And if anything that comes out of this podcast, we want people to know that if you are in isolation, if you are by yourself, if you feel like you are no you're you feel like you're the only one that's broken, there's nowhere else to reach for help, reach for help. Just know we're here. We love you. And uh we'll get started. Are you gonna get started or not? You're doing great. All right. So Lindy, last time we we were talking, um we were talking about how And let's go back just for a couple minutes because I want to go and ask you about this. Because had Jeff been reaching out for help when he was was when he was struggling, when you started to see things change? Was he was he dealing with stuff this stuff on his own? Um was just to briefly kind of go over where if you don't mind, kind of where where we were and what got there to that point. You know what I'm trying to say? I do. This is what I mean. It's hard to interview.
SPEAKER_01Um, so when Jeff started developing the PTSD, like complex BTSD, um, he did not talk to anyone. He wasn't getting any help. He refused to go to counseling, he refused to talk to anybody about it. Um, he did share situations that he experienced at work with me um to a certain point. Um, and it was only if they were really bad.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um and I would ask him, I could tell, like, I could tell in his continence if it had been a bad night. Um, but sometimes like I shared at the last episode, there were times when he just couldn't sleep, and he would share with me um yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And when did did it when he was sharing it with you, did it surprise you, or as a wife, did you kind of already know that he was struggling and was I mean, or was the stuff he was telling you, would it sometimes shock you, or was it just kind of like you're you're just kind of like, I'm glad you're talking about it?
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, there's a lot in that question.
SPEAKER_00I'm a lot in a lot, I'm sorry. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01There's a lot because you know, um, when you have a relationship and you're in a marriage for years, things start building, right? You can see a difference in people. I could tell that there's a difference in how the job was affecting him and the things that he was seeing. Um, some of the things surprised me that he came home and told me that because I had no idea that police, that the troopers dealt with the things that they did. I had no idea that they were responsible for, like I shared the last episode, picking up a person's body after an accident or um just the impact of arriving first on a scene and having somebody with mortal injuries that wasn't they knew because they've been through the um first responder training um and life-saving techniques that that person was not going to make it by the time that the ambulance or other first responders got there. And just that effect and weight of having that life in their hands that they couldn't do nothing about, but they've been, I know that Jeff was called by God to be a for to be a first responder and police officer to protect people, to be that person. Um, I see that in so many. Um, but that was part of him, and to not be able to help people and um have that responsibility um makes him only human.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Like nobody has the ability or skill to deal with that, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that uniform doesn't protect you from that, no, right.
Stigma And Fear Inside Policing
SPEAKER_01And nobody can have the like I talked the last time, you don't can't ever get enough training to deal with some of the things that they see and deal with. Um, but it's also things that the public at large does not see that police deal with. Right. They just don't. Yeah. It just happens and people go on with their life, and it's like, okay, well, somebody that was trained and skilled took care of that. And it's like, nope. And there's a lot of emotion and a lot of things that come up deep from deep places. And if you're not getting help and you're not working through those things with someone else outside of your own head, it just causes a lot of scarring in inside. Um, and so that was building up over time.
SPEAKER_02Um was there a a moment or or a specific call that you can remember? Was there can you remember a time, like a specific time when it changed from I know this job's affecting him to he's not okay? Like, was there a specific moment?
SPEAKER_00Like, where's my husband? This isn't the person he used to be.
SPEAKER_01Um I can't think of a specific time because it built up and and there were conversations I had with him that you need to get help. You need to talk to somebody. I'm not a counselor. Um it needed to be someone that had more experience that could relate to what he was what he's dealing with, but he didn't feel safe in his workspace to talk to anyone. Um he felt he was gonna lose his job. Um, the people would look at him differently for because he'd seen it. He'd seen how people were treated differently.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01And there's no correlation with helping to help a victim of an accident, like track of an accident, right? That's um been mortally injured or died, and helping pick up their body. There's no correlation with doing that and carrying a firearm, right? And being able to handle yourself um as a public figure. There's no correlation with that.
SPEAKER_00There's not, you're right.
SPEAKER_01Um, however, the culture clouds it all up and because they don't want to change, there's this culture, uh very insidious culture of um the fear of that change and addressing those uh things that affect people mentally.
SPEAKER_02So very true. Definitely true at both departments I worked for.
The Day Everything Changed
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and that's that's and that's why we do podcasts like this, so people can hear that it's not okay. Like that stigma's gotta stop. Like we we gotta quit allowing this crap to happen. Where we just we beat each other up, weat each other up, and you know, reaching out for help is another sign of weakness, it's a sign of wisdom. And we went over it last episode, so obviously um things got worse for you and your family. Do you mind talking about the day that that Jeff took his life? Um that had to be very hard. And I don't you don't need to go into great detail by any means, please don't hear that. But I do want to hear kind of more of your emotions and feelings going through that because I think it's important.
SPEAKER_01So, Dan, thanks for asking me. Um, I need you to know that I feel called to use my voice and to share these things. So I will share whatever you want me to share. Um, it's important that people understand um so that they can get help. Um so, like we were talking about, the PTSD had built up, um, things have become more difficult at home. Not sure who was gonna walk in the door after shift, or even when he was doing regular things outside or even inside, something could trigger him that he felt was threatening. It could have been anything, it could have been anything, literally, like um, and we'll we'll talk about this another time, hopefully, um, when my daughter comes on. Yeah, but my daughter's truck needed fixed, and she went and got it fixed because things weren't good at home, and so she went and got it fixed. And he, I thought he'd be really proud of her, and he did the complete opposite, and it was bad. Um, he just flipped out. Um, so it was worse and worse. So the day that um Jeff took his life, um, I had in the weeks up to that been feeling more and more threatened. And um, my oldest daughter was at college, my youngest daughter was 15. Um, but I knew that something needed to change. And the only thing that I could control changing was for me to leave our marriage. Um, I didn't uh want to do that because it was against everything I felt I needed to do. Um in my faith, I felt I needed to be there with him and help him, but when it gets to a certain point, it's no longer helpful or healthy for other individuals in the marriage because he wasn't getting help for himself. Um so I had made an appointment and went to a uh divorced lawyer, and I did not tell him I was going to a lawyer. Um I was working from home at the time because COVID had locked everything down. And um with his shift, he uh was there during the day, sometimes there during the night, sometimes, you know, we get working a swing. Um, so he knew my schedule. Like he knew when I was working. I was an auditor. So I would either be auditing or doing paperwork and he would know like when I was on, when I was lunch, whatever. Um sometimes I would go and get groceries at lunchtime, but usually I waited for after work. So I was usually home at lunch and I just gathered, it was over lunch that I went and saw the attorney. Um he noticed that I left. It's part of awareness as an officer. Um and there's things like that that make me smile because it's just part of the part of the personality, right?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
The 911 Call And The Aftermath
SPEAKER_01But he noticed that, plus, he was had a heightened awareness um and control of what I was doing. Um, so he when I got home, um he asked me about it. And I'd want to go back because I was only fact-finding, like I never looked into it before. I was truly just wanting to know what it looked like and what I needed to do to prepare because I didn't have anything prepared to leave. Um, I didn't know what that even looked like. And actually, it was very uh disturbing for me to even like think about it. So, but I gotta be smart and I need to um at least take care of me and my daughter. You gotta be safe. Yeah, be safe. So I got back and he asked me where I was at. And I just told him I um went in, I had a counseling. Um, there was music playing on, and I'm only gonna say this because of the control factor, but um, there was music that was playing on a Bluetooth speaker and it was to my phone, and he picked my phone up and he's like, I don't like this, Lindy. We're I'm gonna change the music. Well, I had changed my passcode on my phone, and before it was completely open that he could look at it. But when I started talking to the attorney, I did not want him to ask me questions about it. And I didn't know if he was looking at my phone, but I didn't want to deal with that. So I had locked it differently, and so he he uh got really upset about that and wanted me to open the phone up. I told him no, I wasn't going to. Um, his mind went that I was having an affair, and so he started accusing me of that. And I said, no, I not. I went to my counseling session and I just it's just my phone. So I'll change the music. And he um he bird dogged on the fact that I went to a counselor and started asking more and more interrogating questions because that's again another another skill, right? Um, but that I don't even know how long he continued to ask me questions about it. And finally I just said, um, he goes, I didn't know you went to a counselor. When did you start seeing a counselor? I said, Well, I set the appointment up for today. And he's like, Well, what type of counselor? Uh and I said, Well, I went to legal counsel. And he goes, Well, that's not a counselor. And I go, Well, I got counsel. And then he just got uh real quiet. Well, first he said, Um, if that's the path that you wanted to go down, why didn't you just tell me? And we could have dealt with this. I've told you before that if you ever wanted to leave me, that I would take care of it.
SPEAKER_00Take care of it, he said. That was the words.
Faith, Shock, And Survival Mode
SPEAKER_01That's the words. And I don't know what that means. Uh, I didn't know what that meant. Um, and he got real quiet and he'd been drinking. He had like a glass of whiskey, and um he just came in, he was really quiet, and it made me really nervous because his mood had changed so quickly. And he said, Um, well, tomorrow um we'll go to the bank and we'll um separate our assets and I'll get an apartment and we'll be done. He's like, we don't need to get a lawyer involved. And I said, Well, I didn't give a retainer or anything because I wasn't planning to do anything, I just needed knowledge um to protect myself. And he goes, Well, you don't even need to do that. Um, we'll just do this. And his MO was when he would go think and stuff, he would go drive around. And so he he's like, I'm gonna go drive around. And he left. And I was really nervous. My daughter had gone out to the barn to my young youngest had gone out to the barn to do chores. My oldest wasn't home as she was at college. And uh I think he was gone about an hour, but I was really nervous because I didn't know who was gonna walk in the door, but I figured it was gonna be the uh very angry uh husband. And so I didn't want to be somewhere where he couldn't find me, so I stayed in the kitchen. Um, I didn't want him going after my daughter and um putting something on her. So he came in and he he was really quiet and he stood in the doorway and he leaned in the door and I looked at him and he's like, Hey, I'm like, hi. And I was kind of judging what I was gonna walk into. And he just looked at me and he told me, he goes, Lindy, I love you. And I said, Okay, well, I love you too. And he goes, Would you like to go out for a drive? As he refilled his drink, and I was like, Well, and I kind of was apprehensive about it, but that's when we did our best talking was just driving. And I was like, Well, and if it wasn't, if it was gonna stop him from having uh an episode at home and yelling and and everything at home, then let's go. So let's go talk. And so I went to the bar and I told my daughter that um I was going to go, and she immediately told me she didn't want me to go. And she started almost crying, and it hit me, and I was like, Why are you so upset, Dylan? She goes, Mom, I think dad's gonna do something to you. And I said, No, he's not. We always go talk and we drive, and looking back, there's so much I can see in that. But um, I went ahead and went and I told her, I'm like, I'm gonna have my phone on me, and you've got everybody's number, so you know you can get a hold of somebody. And we went and drove. And we drove for like 45 minutes or something. I don't even know, but it wasn't a whole long time, and there was a lot of lucid conversation, but there was a lot of very uh odd conversation. Like he asked questions and made comments that were uh like totally off the chain, um asking questions about um just like things in our life, like with me of I've been unfaithful to him and um just out of the blue random things, and um, we'd be talking about one subject and then he'd switch it and want to know about the girls and asking questions about them, like just looking for things to fight or argue about. Uh, it felt like, but he'd be within his own mind, and then it would just be very like strange. Um, and then as we were driving, we we did a lot of gravel roads, but he would start driving at really high speeds. And I'm like, we're in a F-350, and he's driving like 90 miles an hour on the gravel and saying these things. And uh I know he was trying to scare me, and I didn't know how to deal with that because I was really scared. Um, and I knew if I said something, he would just drive faster, and I felt like he wanted to wreck the truck. Um it's not a good place to be in.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And he's really he was a really good driver and everything, but yeah, that was uh very intimidating, but I know he did it on purpose. So I did um, I did tell him, um, and he did slow down a little bit. It's like, hey, you know, I don't know. I know that there's a lot of loose gravel. You could probably go off the road. And he asked me if I thought he was gonna wreck the truck, and I'm like, well, no, but there we are. So um, anyway, we drove back to the house and he did not park the truck in the normal parking place. He parked right in the middle of the driveway and just pulled right up and just left the truck running. Um, I thought, what are we doing? Because he'll usually pull it up and park and maybe talk for a little bit, then we go inside was normal. Um, he just kind of looked around and he asked me if there was anything on our at our place that I needed that I need questions about. And I'm probably gonna say this stuff out of order because there's just like a lot of fog about that night. Um I told him that there was, I don't know, um, if there's anything I needed, he's gonna be in an apartment so he could just come back out. Um and he was like, Well, um is there any and he just repeated it. He goes, Is there anything you need to know before I go? And I was like, Before you go. Um he looked around and he said, Um, you know, all this that that we have here, he goes, Everything here, I did it for you and the girls. And I said, What do you mean? And he goes, I did it all for you and the girls. And I said, Uh, well, we did this together. This was always been our dream is to have an acreage. And um, we did this together. And he reached over in the console of the truck because his MO was always to have a carry weapon. And he took it out and he just put it in his lap. And that was not abnormal for him to handle his weapon when he was thinking through things or whatever. I didn't think anything about it. Um, but I kind of like, you know, decide-eyed it, like, okay, he's stressed. Um, and he said, No, I did it all for you and the girls. And I, and he goes, Again, is there anything else that you need to know about anything around here before I go? And the way he said it that time, I said, I don't know what you're saying, but I really feel like you need some help. And I'm calling 911 and I got my phone and I dialed. And as I was getting my phone, he said, It's too fucking late for that. And he picked his weapon up and put it to his sore head, and he shot himself, and the phone hadn't even started ringing yet. He did ask me to get out of the car, uh, get out of the truck before um if um I wanted to uh he needed to take care of it. Um he didn't want me in the truck. But I I saw that and uh it all turns into and for people that have seen traumatic things like that for people that haven't, everything turns into truly like microseconds.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't know how long it actually was, but it felt like it was like a half an hour just one episode.
SPEAKER_00So thank you for sharing that.
Funeral, Honors, And Culture Gaps
SPEAKER_01So everything that everything that I saw during that time, um I could hear things that he had shared with me over the years about people that he had responded to that had committed suicide. And it was like a narration in my head. Like uh type of bullet because Jeff was really into he was a firearms instructor. He he knew weapons and ballistics and everything, and uh yeah, yeah, all of it, all of it, what I saw and what type of everything yeah was used.
SPEAKER_00And you're in the truck right there when it happened. And are the kids home?
SPEAKER_01Okay, so my daughter was home. She um when I called 911, um the dispatcher was wonderful looking back. Um she did ask me if I had checked on Jeff's vitals and knowing what I knew from everything and I knew he wasn't with me anymore. Um and then she asked if there was anybody home and where they were at. And um, she let me know that it was gonna be a half an hour before anyone could respond to my house.
SPEAKER_00What?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Can I ask why?
SPEAKER_01Um, because there was nobody in the area. Because they um were staffed very, very thinly for any of the emergency responders.
SPEAKER_00That's not okay.
SPEAKER_01And asked me if anybody could get to my house to be with me.
SPEAKER_00While you wait the half hour.
SPEAKER_01Why I waited, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh, Lindy.
Counseling, Tools, And Breaking Guilt
SPEAKER_01Um I didn't know what to do with myself. But uh, she told me to go inside and check my daughter. Um, so uh that gave me a focus. And I went in and uh I just thanked God because um he had covered her. She was in the shower, so there was no way that she would have heard anything or anything. Yeah. Um yeah, so I pulled on my mom pants and uh tried to get a mom voice on and knocked on the door and and asked her if she could stay inside. Uh the dispatcher had told me what to say that there are gonna be a lot of lights, um, that I'm okay, and that dad's not okay, but um I'd be back inside to talk to her, just stay in the house. And so um she did. Um, she said, Okay, mom, I'll be in here. And then uh I don't even know. I don't know how much time went by, but I just went out in the yard and the truck is still running and uh tried not to look at the truck, yeah, and then uh the first responders got there and uh I was just in shock. I didn't know what to do with myself. I I don't know, it was just a blur. I sat in the front seat of the ambulance for I don't know how long, and uh the state patrol lieutenant came and talked to me and I talked to him about it, and then the first responder, one of the first responders went inside and sat with my daughter and talked with her for a while. And then, like I said, I don't even have any like recollection like of time. I just was numb. And um she came out, the first responder came out, she's like, Don't you think it's time that you go in and it's been a while, she's probably putting things together, and so we went in and I had asked uh and the lieutenant actually delivered because I couldn't I couldn't tell her what happened. Uh-huh. So he told her what happened. Then um I don't know how long that was so when I look back, um he actually he took his life around nine o'clock and it was after midnight when we went. I asked if we could go to my in-laws' house, which is where my oldest daughter was staying for college to let her know. And so um the troopers took me down there. Um, my daughter, my youngest daughter went with my sister to her house. Um and uh because that's who came to my house was my sister got there first. Um, she got there actually after the first responders so far, but um we went and told my oldest daughter and uh my in-laws, and then um they wanted me to go back up to the house and give a statement that night uh to the DCI, and um I was told that I could choose not to do it that night. I was so exhausted, I I couldn't. I just No, we'll do it in the morning. Yeah. So um we went and stayed at my sister's and I didn't sleep. Um that movie of what happened. And I'm gonna call it that because that's what that memory becomes. It's like a movie. Um just continue to play and repeat and repeat. Um It was I don't know how many nights it was at least a week before I could sleep. Um a few hours at a time, like deeply.
SPEAKER_00So first of all, I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. So that day, that day your whole world changed. Um not going through that, but I could imagine at that time were you were you angry with God over this? Or where were we because I know you were you were a faith person. Did that I would have I think I would have had a trouble with trouble with my faith that day. That day was it did you feel God's presence? Did it were you angry, or what was that like? Meaning that when Christ walks with us, was did so my faith has always been very strong.
SPEAKER_01That's one of the gifts he's given me is faith.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um my first husband, Jeff, was not walking with the Lord, though he knew God very well. And we had been walking on different paths with the Lord for a long time. Um so I felt God with me. And I knew he was with me, Daniel. Yeah, so I wasn't alone.
SPEAKER_00Praise God. Thank goodness you thank God you had that relationship with Jesus. You had that relationship. I know it it was hard to go through, obviously. But I I love that you have a foundation in faith. Because honestly, that would have really tested my faith and it really would have tested a lot of things in me. I know I know that for So what was the Sorry, I'm just taking a deep breath here.
SPEAKER_01It's a lot.
SPEAKER_00It is a lot, and um I love that you're talking about it, and I know it's hard. And honestly, it's hard, it's hard for me as well to even know what to ask, just to be real with you.
SPEAKER_01Um you can ask me anything.
SPEAKER_02In the days following, weeks following, I would guess there's a lot of guilt.
SPEAKER_00What goes in, yeah, like as a spouse, do you I've had people in my life that took in that stick in their own life, and I sometimes carry that with me, even though obviously I had nothing I could have said or did, but did you deal with that like when it first happened? Do you deal with because there's all these different right levels of trauma and healing from trauma? Were you in the anger stage or what's going on at this point, or is it just pure misbelief? Like you're just like, I'm living a this is all surreal. What's going on with Lindy at that point?
SPEAKER_01Uh so I honestly, Jake, I didn't have that feeling right away. I honestly was in um act mode, like doing, just doing. I was very numb. And it was what do I need to do for my girls? How do I need to protect them? What do we need to do? Um just in the moment. So everything for the first I don't know, it was like that for weeks, maybe months of just that. And it was very surreal.
SPEAKER_02Um survival mode.
A Direct Appeal To First Responders
SPEAKER_01Survival, totally survival, and it was uh about two weeks before we moved back to our house. Um and that was very difficult. Um so um we have animals to take care of at the property, so we had friends that would go over and help with chores and things, but it was like I'm I am a realist too, and um things have to get taken care of. I can't just not take care of the things that God gave me responsibility for. And um, so I started going back to the house um to help with like a morning chore. Like I noticed when you asked me that question now, it's like I did only go back for morning chores, um, not evening chores when it was closer to the time that the event happened, which is interesting that I can look back and see that um right now. But um that's how God got me back to my house. Um and it was good. The time that I had was good. The truck had been obviously um removed removed the night of the incident. Um, and I thank God for that. Um there were so many different moving pieces that have that happen after you lose a spouse. Um insurance, life insurance. Um it was at the end of the month. So uh I'm thankful it was the end of the month because my there was no health insurance for me and the girls at the end of the month. That meant that there was things for me to do when I look back at I'm like I had to do paperwork.
SPEAKER_00I had to because the insurance was gonna run out of the deal.
SPEAKER_01It's gonna run out of there was no there was no insurance at the end of the month, and that's that's that's not okay. There's other things we can talk about around that. Yeah, um, lots of other conversations about benefits and spousal support. So um, but there was there's a lot, and I look back and I think I could have let some of that stuff move out further. Um but I wanted to move past those things. Like I say, let me just give you specifics. So, like um his funeral and the celebration of his life. I look back and we could have had that later, but I wanted to move past that and have that out of my space um and move forward in my life. Um, because it's part of my healing and my girls, and so that protection came in of be done um with that part.
SPEAKER_00Um and and I'm just gonna call it out when a first responder takes their own life in in a first responder world, it is not the same as a line of duty death. There's not a whole bunch of people that come around you to help, you know, you know, arrange, you know, do a law enforcement funeral and have big parades and stuff like that, or I don't know how at all they did it, but well, if you ask me that.
SPEAKER_01So I had really good support from the state patrol. Please go they came out and talked with me about as far as like benefits, and then as far as like um what that would look like or could look like for um the support at the funeral. Um there is, and I I'm just gonna say it, it there is uh a culture within the culture um that is not okay with supporting um mental health. And the way it was communicated to me was the way that Jeff had passed away. They probably wouldn't feel comfortable doing a full honor um of his service as an officer, as a trooper. Um, but they were there and they did honor him. Um keep in mind that Jeff and I are very private people. And that was something too that I didn't know at the time that I wanted anything more than that um of what they provided. So um they did have an honor guard and they did have um the supporting officers there in their uniforms. Um it was very honoring of him, I felt. And um that's great to hear it wasn't like what you see in the active duty death, right? Yeah, but it was honoring to the point that culture would allow it at that time, I think. Yeah. Um now his death was determined as a line of duty death. I just wanna say that.
SPEAKER_00It was determined, it was by the federal government, so yes, as it should be, as they all should be, in my opinion.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I really do, and culture's changing, right? And that's what these are calls are about.
SPEAKER_00So um and using your voice and doing this type of stuff is what gets change, right? Talking about this kind of stuff. That's good. So this organization's all about community, it's about nobody walking alone. Um besides the state patrol, did you have a a support? Did you have a walk-alone group? Did you have some friends from church or or sisters or anybody that really came around you to during this time, or what what love did you feel, or was it did you kind of feel like a one-woman one woman army kind of going through this?
SPEAKER_01Um, I had support from our church, uh, my church family, um, and um, and not necessarily the foundation church, right? The brick and mortar church. It's my fellow Christians. And we are the church, right? We are the church, and you see where God is working, the people that come, right? So it's a beautiful thing to have that support. Um yeah, but my family was my big support. Yeah, my girls and and uh my sister and my neighbors came around and were really helpful to me too, um, and supportive.
SPEAKER_02Um so the the reason I I was asking about guilt is kind of based on my own experience with drama. Yeah. Um what I hear you're saying, what I hear you saying is there was a period of lots of activity, lots of things to do. Yeah. Eventually the dust settles, things get quiet. I'm assuming that's when it got hard.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I see where you're going. Let me answer your question. So um let me take it back to when we were not at the house. I never learned how to deal with death and grief. Um, my family did not teach that well. Um, it was if somebody passed that we were close to, it's like wiping a chalkboard. They're just gone. There was no emotion. Um it wasn't. They just didn't know how to deal with it, so they chose not to deal with it. Um, which is really difficult. Um, so so when Jeff passed, I was blessed in the fact that he was the first person that I've ever lost that was close to me. But also not blessed by that, right? So um I didn't know or have tools to deal with that. And I knew from um just what I know about that, that the girls needed counseling and I needed counseling. And immediately I got the girls' counseling. We went through um several different ones to find the right counselor because I'm just gonna say, just because you make a phone call doesn't mean that it's a match for you or what you're needing, right? So for the listeners, just know that um it can take time, but you need it. So uh I waited because I was so focused on getting my girls lined up to get help, but I did get help. Um I talked about I don't know if I talked about that on the call last time, but um I chose they had offered me to um go with a couple of different counselors, like the state um gave suggestions. Um I chose to go with the state psychiatrist that handles trauma and counseling for the state patrol, and that's Dr. Ashman. Um the reason I did that is because I wanted to understand from a perspective not of a um regular layman counselor, but someone that had experience with with uh officers and troopers and the way that they think the A-type personality specifically, um, working through different things on not just have but like, you know, in my relationship with him, um because I knew that was what's gonna give me the healing and the tools I needed to um move forward. I had a lot of peace in that. So I reached out to Dr. Ashman and I met with him um every week for I think it was three months, and then we went to every other week. And then I um I asked him, I remember asking him like, I don't know, it's like 10 months or something. How will I know when when I'm not I don't need to come or when I don't need to schedule another appointment? And he goes, Well, actually, Lindy, what happens is we just don't get a phone call. And then when you need to talk again, make a call. Because that that's a thing. You can just make a call and talk with me again. And that's exactly what happened. It was like, okay, I I felt, and I felt in my faith life that God had me in a place that I needed something more with him, with the Lord, um, in another area versus counseling. Like a man had done enough for me that I can move forward in my faith in where God was leading me in healing. Um we can talk more about that and what he's been doing, but um I love that.
SPEAKER_02I can relate to that.
SPEAKER_01But one of thank you. So one of the things that Dr. Ashman shared with me, and this is gonna answer your question, and thanks for being patient while I talk about it. Yeah, but he told me with grief um that you should not let your mind go back to what you're gonna think, things are gonna start coming into your brain of, I see that that happened, I see that this situation happened. Why didn't I do something different? How could I have answered that differently? And then you see another situation where you think about something and then it snowballs into something else. It's like, I should have seen that. For instance, over the decade and plus of him being in law enforcement, also being in the military and having an MOS of uh small arms repair, like he knew ballistics, he knew weapons. All the conversations that he had with me over that time, all just like synaptic, just like boom, they all like came together in this one narrative when he shot himself. I knew exactly like he had thought about those things when he did that, right? Yeah, and that was a perfect trap of the enemy for me to be like, why didn't you catch that? You heard that conversation, why didn't you? And so I'm so thankful Dr. Ashman shared that with me because then I could stop that thinking of where it was like that's not real, that is not real, there's no way I would have ever known.
SPEAKER_00That's right.
SPEAKER_01There's no way I would have ever known. And um yeah, so that is where my brain goes when it goes into that place. I am thankful that I didn't have that I had the tools to deal with that because I understand that is something that um really lingers for some people.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I've been really thankful that God's blessed me with that tool.
SPEAKER_02Me too. And that's that's exactly where I was going with that. Absolutely. It's a it's very real, Jake. Yeah. Yeah. That's I've experienced that myself and wish I'd had some better tools sooner. Thank you for sharing.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So for spouses that are listening, let's talk about that real quick first. Because your story that you told me leading up to this, you know, I w we have a lot of first responders that reach out to our organization and walk alongside them. And the the first half of the story um that you spoke sound very familiar to a lot of the other stories I've heard of first responders that are struggling. Um, kind of what you know, how Jeff's behavior was leading up to it. Um, but don't let me.
SPEAKER_02I would guess you're you're maybe going down the line of what were some of the warning signs, and people do.
SPEAKER_00Well, Miss McMahon, I mean, there's different spouses I talk to that reach out to our organization, and and honestly, they have the fear of they're we want to, I'm gonna be honest, they want to divorce their husband. They're not safe. They're tired of the being pinned against the wall, having the gun brought out as a threat, being told that I'm gonna, you know, by our their spouse that they're gonna end their life, they're gonna we put our we put our spouses through hell. Um somebody that's going through that, that's feeling the fear, that's feeling this the the nervousness of that. That's gotta be a scary situation. I'm gonna be honest, they worry about what happened to you. That they worry if I leave my husband, then this is gonna happen, right? That's the fear, the the default fear. Um can you say anything about that? What can you say about that? Those women that are feeling like that, the same thing, they feel trapped, they feel like they they're not safe too, they need to get out, but they don't want to get out because they know if they're afraid if they leave, then because a lot of times first responders will tell you that if you leave us, we're gonna hurt ourselves or something like that. Um is there do you know what's a healthy way to get through that? Or what's your thoughts on it? If if I'm making any sense with that question. Because it's a pr it's an imprisonment, imprisonment that they're kind of in. They feel like if they leave is but if they leave, the other person may take may they may end their life, and they don't want to have to carry that. And that's not obviously that's not on them if they choose to do that.
SPEAKER_01So you're not responsible for what other people choose to do, first of all. Yes, you need to be safe, and you need to get yourself safe, and you need to reach out for help. Yeah, you need to take a step for yourself, for yourself, even if your husband won't or your spouse won't, and you need to be leaning into your faith too, because no matter what's going on, God is right there with you, and he's right there with your spouse, and he cares and loves them more than you do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and in this organization, in 1042 project, we have people that you can call, you can reach out to us if you want to have a conversation with Lindy, if you want to have a conversation with some other spouses that have have been through some hard things and you just want to talk with them about it. We have we have some spouses that would be happy to speak with you and talk with you to help you feel that you are not alone. So please, if you're going through this type of situation and and you're the spouse, let's let's let's get you help. Um, let's start the conversation. But just know you're not alone. We have a team here that want to walk alongside you. They may not have all the answers, but they can sure they can hug with you, they can cry with you, they can be there with you. Um But what you're going through, and I don't say this to minimize it, um it's it's not uncommon, unfortunately, when we have a lot of hurt people, a lot of hurt first responders that are struggling mentally that are causing hurt and trauma to their families, and it can be a tough situation and it can feel like an imprisonment. So please um reach out to us. If you don't reach out to us, reach out to somebody, Lindy. Wouldn't you agree? Just reach out to somebody.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you're not alone, and we want to hear what you have to say.
Closing Reflections And Prayer
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Because I know if they call me and ask for your number, I think you'd be okay with that if they wanted to talk with you, wouldn't you? Absolutely. You were telling me about the power of voice and that God's really been speaking to you about using your voice to bring healing. Yep. And you get healing as you give healing when you when you talk and you and share your story. So please reach out to us and and we truly mean this. We're not just like we mean it call us, we will get back to you, we will call you, we will get somebody, whether it's Lindy or somebody else to talk with you, just to be heard. So, um, spouses, please know you're not alone. This organization is for you. This is a fa this organization is for the family. And for the spouses, the first responders out there. I understand what I understand what it can feel like when you feel so covered in guilt and shame, or you feel so far lost, so far broken. You feel like the only way out is to take your life. You feel like the only way out is just to to to eliminate the issue by eliminating you. And let me tell you this: the world is not better without you. Your family's not better without you, they will not be better without you. Don't believe those lies the enemies are telling you. You're not too lost, you're not too broken. Jesus loves you. He cares for you, he wants restoration for you. Because I know I've been in there when she was telling her story. I I I have been, Jeff, in that situation. Driving the fast, scaring the spouse. I hear it. And it's common that I keep hearing within our first responders a similar story. And I believe that's why this organization was was created, was to help everybody come together who feel like they're alone and to be able to share their story and be heard to understood. And not just to tell a story, but to tell a story so there can be change that's made. Change within the first responder community, change within the families, change within the mindsets that we have. So your family is not, they're not gonna be better without you. Please don't believe that lie. Please don't believe the lie that you are alone. Don't believe the lie that what you've done is too shameful or too guiltful, too full of guilt or whatever word I'm trying to say. Those are lies from the enemies. What we're what you're doing is not who you are when I was drinking, when I was trying to take my own life and kill myself. That's not who I was. That was a hurting person trying to to just eliminate the pain, and the enemy can was always trying to convince me that if I took my own life, everybody would be better. My wife would be better, my kids would be better, my friends would be better, the whole world would be better without me. And that's not true. So please reach out. You're not alone. I'm here for you, Lindy's here for you, Jake's here for you, Brianna's here, Gentry's here. We have a whole team of people that want to just walk alongside you and to make sure that you do know that you're loved and you were built on purpose for a purpose. And this is not the end of your story. This is not the end of your book. It may be the end of a chapter. But God's writing a new chapter. So thank you for tuning in. Lindy, thank you for being on here.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for having me.
SPEAKER_00And as we close out, I just pray that God bring you all peace. I know this has been a heavy topic today, but God, we just ask you to bring just bring peace to our listeners. God help them feel your love. Even through the hurt and through the pain, Father God, just quiet their minds and help them feel your love. God, we ask these words be used to just heal hearts and to bring pleaser bring people closer to you and that they might reach out for help. We ask this for in all of your name, in Jesus' name. Amen.