From Survival to Partnership: Breanna's Story Part 2

From the moment the phone rang to a crowded ER stacked with pizza boxes and uniforms, we walk through the shock, the community response, and the hard, slow road that followed. Breanna shares the realities many first responder families face.

We talk about what happens after the headlines fade—months of recovery, returning to duty, and ride-alongs that reopened wounds with a child death call and an armed domestic. When the job no longer fit, retirement arrived sooner than planned. At home, stress rewired their marriage: resentment, overwork, and a sense of living on two separate trains. Breanna names the darkest moment, a medication-triggered spiral into suicidal ideation, and the grace that broke it—a late-night glance at the person who was still her safe place. That moment led her to First Responder Support Network and the WCPR spouse retreat, where a patient chaplain, daily chapel, and peers offered tools that actually translate to home.

You’ll hear simple, durable practices: asking “comfort or solutions,” naming love languages, setting boundaries around triggers, and learning to say what you need instead of hoping your partner reads your mind. We offer practical advice for spouses of first responders, from seeking your own therapy to choosing intensive retreats when weekly sessions aren’t enough. This story is honest about anger and distance, and it’s just as honest about repair, faith rekindled, and a marriage that now feels like a true partnership.

If this resonates, share it with someone who needs proof that healing is possible. Subscribe for more real conversations with first responder families, and leave a review to help others find these resources and stories.

If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline. 

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Transcript

Setting The Story And Stakes

SPEAKER_04 0:08

Welcome back to another episode of the Shared Voices podcast. It is me, Gentry, and Brianna here today. We don't have Daniel. He is out busy doing other things. Um, but me and Brianna are gonna have a conversation today about if you happened to hear her episode a while back, um, she got into a little bit of how her and her husband met um and briefly touched on an incident that happened um to her husband while they were together. You guys weren't married yet, right? No, we weren't married yet. Right. So her husband was shot uh in the line of duty as a deputy, correct? Correct deputy.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Um what year was that? Or what was the day of um October 17th of 2019?

SPEAKER_04 0:57

2019, okay. Um, but yeah, so that's what we're gonna talk about today, and hopefully I can take some stuff from it. All right. So, Brianna, let's start with tell me about like what the day looked like um of the shooting. Because you guys were you living together or no?

SPEAKER_00 1:18

So I'm glad that you asked that because I want to go, we're gonna rewind. Um, oh, let's just rewind two days before the shooting. Perfect. Yeah. So October 15th of 2019. Okay. Um Jim and I had just purchased an acreage, 26 acres. Two days before. Two days before. Wow. Which has a little bit of a it that plays into kind of my what my first reactions were um or my first thoughts were once I received the news. Um so yeah, just kind of something to to keep in mind was yes, we had just purchased um an acreage, we which mind you is not handicap accessible. So um, and I had horses and a 10-acre hay field and um yeah, pastures and stuff. So it was a huge undertaking. And then two days later, um, the the shooting officer involved shooting it happens.

SPEAKER_04 2:14

So you guys were like just moved in together to this place like two days prior?

SPEAKER_00 2:19

No, we had signed on it two days prior. So yep, we were we had just gotten the keys two days before.

Two Days Before Everything Changed

SPEAKER_04 2:25

Okay. Okay, so to the day now, so it's the 17th. Yep. What did that day look like? Were you, you know, just getting ready for work? Normal day, like what start in the morning, you know, what happened, and then around what time did the shooting happen?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

So it was just a normal day. I went to work. Um, I came home. Uh, it was a Thursday, and um so I worked all day. Jim came out that afternoon. He I he was probably like the 4 p.m. to uh 2 a.m. shift. Um, so he had come out and this was the uh first time that uh we essentially like lived in the county that he worked. So um actually fast forward, I get home from work, I let my dogs out, I go over to this house that we just purchased, um, which is in Guthrie County, and um Jim actually came over and we had we had ordered supper and did some takeout and actually ate supper at this house. So I was super excited that my husband was gonna, or at that time, my boyfriend was going to be able to come and and do uh dinner at home. So we had our first dinner. That's adorable. I know. Yes, uh, in this house that uh had wood panel walls and needed a little needed a lot of work. Um but yeah, so we got to enjoy our first meal there. I love that. So then what happened after that? So after that, he um went back to work. Uh there was a Chiefs game going on that night. So he and the guys uh sat at the office, did some paperwork, uh, gathered everything up to go um serve this federal warrant. And I actually stayed out at that house and um painted the ceilings and just did some work on it. Um I went home. I would say I probably went home back to my house around like 9:30, and I got ready and went to bed and talked to Jim on the phone around 10 o'clock, said goodnight, and um he went off to work. I didn't know what he was going to be doing for the rest of his shift. I did not know that he was going to be serving this warrant, none of that. And I feel like I have kind of a we have kind of an interesting situation where uh he was an officer, you know, serving these warrants, making these arrests, and then I and working overnights, and then I came to work uh kind of the same place um in the mornings and was then working with providing services to uh the people that he arrested the night before. So it That is interesting. It yeah, it was, but also I felt like in the time I at the time I didn't feel like I was naive to kind of what he was doing and and you know the whole scope of what his his job was, but in all honesty, oh I was so naive. I had no clue.

The Call No One Wants

SPEAKER_04 5:24

Interesting. Okay. So then when is around 10 o'clock at night, you're in bed. Yep. How did you find out what happened?

Chaos, Support, And The ER

SPEAKER_00 5:32

So um I would say, so I believe the shooting happened um close to like 10:30 ish, 1045. Um, I received a phone call uh close to 11 o'clock, and that phone call came in from Jim's phone, which was weird to me because I was like, okay, we've already said goodnight, like whatnot. Um the person on the other line was actually one of the other officers, uh, one of the deputies that was out there with him. Um, who when I answered the phone, he had said to me, um, Brianna, I need you to stay calm. And he said that to me probably like six times of just stay calm. I you need to be calm. And at that point, I was like, hey, I'm calm. Like, I have no idea what you're calling me about. Like, you've got to give me some information here. And so um, that's when he had told me that uh Jim had been shot and that uh Jim was on the ambulance at that point. Uh, he was going to be okay, he thought. And um that Jim wanted to talk to me. They were trying to get Lifelight landed, and that Jim wanted to talk to me before he was um taken by Lifelight. So I did get to um have just a quick brief conversation with Jim um while he was in the ambulance, and he asked that I call and notify his mother of the incident. How did that go? Um that was a heavy, that was that was heavy. Yeah. Um at I at that point I had only met his mom a couple of times. And so it wasn't like I, I mean, we were dating, but we'd been dating for a lot quite a while at this point. But I I wasn't, we weren't married and I wasn't, you know, super close with his mom at that time. Um, and so I actually at the time lived next door to my dad and my stepmom. And so I in the middle of the night went over to their house. Um, luckily my stepmom was still up, and I was like, hey, um, Jim, I was just notified that Jim was just shot, and Jim asked me to call his mom. And like, I don't know, you know, how I'm going to do that. And so she sat with me. I called his mother and and let her know uh what had happened. And mind you, she's coming from oh, probably two hours away, two and a half, three hours to make it to Des Moines, where he's going to be taken. So um after that, I actually I went back over to my house and um because I knew I was gonna be sitting at the hospital for hours upon hours, I actually took a shower. And um really that's when I a lot of it hit me. I would say that is when I had my this sort of first impact of it. And I I just cried. I just cried in the shower, I got it all out because I knew that I needed to be strong and um supportive when I got to the hospital. So um I I uh took that shower and then I started processing what the hell are we gonna do if um he's paralyzed or uh because we had just bought that acreage. Um at that point, also I was 32 years old, and so the thought crossed my mind of uh this is a really great guy. And I was planning like this would be my future. Uh I would get married to him, I would have children with him. And so at that point, I was also like, you're 32 years old, and if something happens, like there goes your future of like having children and having a family. It's seems really bizarre to me that that was kind of where my brain went, but for some reason it did. Wow.

SPEAKER_04 9:52

Um, so I guess what happened then? Like you went to the hospital, you saw him right away, you didn't see him right away, or like what was kind of that?

SPEAKER_00 10:00

When I got to the hospital, it was I can't even explain it. It was actually amazing. So um my parents lived 30 minutes from where Jim's mom was. They made it from where they lived to the hospital roughly five or 10 minutes after I did. Oh, that's nice. There was, don't quote me. Um, this is a really bad like guesstimate here, but 70 to 90 law enforcement uh responded all to the scene in Stuart. So of course my stepdad was like, well, there's not gonna be any law enforcement out. And so he hightailed it to get there so that they could be there for support from me.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Um, I have to laugh because Jim's mom, on the other hand, drove probably 58 miles per hour the entire way. Um, and she actually rode down with uh Jim's kind of second mom, his best friend's mom, who was a who's a jailer at um a jail up there, up that way. So um it's just it's just kind of funny, like those small little things uh in there. And so yeah, when I got to the hospital, it was incredible because the place was obviously flooded with law enforcement. Des Moines PD was there, um, Dallas County Sheriff's Office was there. They had, I walked in to the emergency room and they immediately took me back. I didn't have to like wait or explain myself or anything. And then there was this stack of like, I don't know, 20 pizzas. They had already brought food. So um, so that was just incredible. Um, there was three officers that were brought down to the hospital. Um, Jim, who sustained a gunshot wound, another one who sustained a gunshot wound um to his leg, and then another one that had um powder burns um across his face uh near his eyes. And they had them all in like a huge room, which was interesting, like that they just they brought us all, they had us all together. But I that had such an impact because I there was just a a wave of support and for those guys to be able to talk to each other and to have that support and and be like, okay, I know you're okay. And as they're you know bringing one in and taking another out for x-rays and ultrasounds or whatever they were all doing, um, that was I think that that was really beneficial to those guys.

Hospital To Home: Early Recovery

SPEAKER_04 12:41

Yeah, I would agree with that. I would definitely agree with it. So, what did the the healing process look like then? For how long was he in the hospital? And then what did it look like?

SPEAKER_00 12:51

Yeah, so Jim stayed in the hospital for goodness. I so it happened on a Thursday, and I believe one of the guys was released that night. The next one was released on Saturday, and I asked actually for Jim to stay an extra night. So he was there until Sunday.

SPEAKER_04 13:19

Okay. And then once he got out, was there how long was he off work?

SPEAKER_00 13:25

He was off work. Oh, you're catching me off guard here. Um I think it was until March.

SPEAKER_04 13:38

Oh, okay. So a good amount of time then. Oh yeah. So what then did it look like in those, was that six months roughly?

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Yeah, that was um, it was a really trying time. Um simply, I mean, there was a lot of a lot of reasons. Um I'll say first, um, very small department, rural county, really no resources and have no idea like how do we handle a situation like this.

SPEAKER_04 14:07

Yeah.

Work Comp Hurdles And Mental Health

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Um the county had actually just recently got an HR, um, an HR department, which was, you know, manned by one person. Um, but this was not anything that she had experience with. And so it was kind of a a blind leading the blind through uh such an incident. So the whole work comp thing was kind of a disaster and and whatnot. But I will say um the administrative support was really good during during the incident. Um, the struggles were like, okay, well, we have to, you know, follow these protocols of like you need the PTO, you need, you know, XYZ. Um, so that was kind of difficult. The next thing that was difficult was the um that first responder mentality when it comes to mental health. Um so Jim sustained a, I would say a pretty serious physical injury. Um he was uh shot in the back just below his belt, and it um went through him horizontally, striking um one of his vertebrae that it broke, and then um it did come out him on the other side. Crazy enough, that bullet was still in his shirt, like it didn't come through the shirt. So um, yeah, so he had a pretty significant physical injury. Um, and then I would say it it took a little while to really see or pick up on the um the mental injury. And um I don't think that it the he really noticed that or saw that until um he was at home, finally had been home for a little while, and decided that he was going to play um, he uh plays some games on his PC. And so he started playing a war game on there. And uh the sounds of bullets going by and whatnot really was probably his first trigger. Um, so he obviously stepped away from doing any of that sort of stuff. Um and from there, it was it was a lot of um doctor's appointments. And I took him to everything. I was there the entire time, um, was his caretaker. And I think that's why towards the end I got to where I was, is because I I took all of that on with him. Um, but I did it by choice and and out of love. And it I it's just that's who I am, is that that caretaker type person. Um, and so one thing that I kind of I do want to like touch base on is that we went to an appointment with kind of the primary care work comp doctor. And in that appointment, we had just been sitting there, probably just bullshitting with each other. And when she came in, she sat down and she's talking to Jim and she's asking him questions about his mental health, and he's very closed off about that and is just kind of like annoyed, right, uh, a little bit pissed off, like that she's asking him these questions. And then um, when she's done talking to him, she actually turns to me and she says, Okay, so I want you to tell me like your perspective, what's going on? And when we left that appointment, um there was a lot of emotion from from Jim when we got in the car of like that was hard to hear. But it's so true.

SPEAKER_04 18:01

And like what was that appointment uh throughout that process?

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Um that appointment was probably a month and a half or two months or so after the okay after the incident. Um and it was really like what I talked about was just the um a lot of anxiety, but also a lot of anger. Um and he could, I mean, anything could set him off. And um at that point, uh but I will say it wasn't like it was not anger directed towards me. Right. Um, but I will say like the dog. The dog could like, I don't know, wag her tail and knock something off the table, the coffee table, and and that would just um send him into rage. And so um just kind of simple, small things. And but I will say I'm also very thankful that he was receptive to listening to my perspective. And so that was something that I I did appreciate and I think had a lot of had a big impact on kind of his uh healing process. He you said he did end up going back to work, correct? Correct. How long did he because he's not a cop anymore, right? No, so he went back. Um, it was it just it felt so rushed. Like work comp work comp was like, you've got to get back, you've gotta get back. And so I believe it was in March that he went back um and was just kind of doing like the office stuff, um you know, sorting files, whatever they, you know, have to do that to get get just office stuff caught up. And um so we did that for a while. Um, and then it was, I feel like it was like an eight week transition. Like he came in for half days and then like six. Weeks later, he'd come in for full days at the office during the daytime hours. And then they would transit transition him back into kind of the nighttime hours, still at the office. And then they started having him do ride-alongs for um like two of those nights a week.

SPEAKER_04 20:18

Then what from the time that he came back to work in March? When did he retire?

SPEAKER_00 20:23

So he retired in July of 2020.

SPEAKER_04 20:27

And so that was the same year he came back to work. Yes.

Return To Duty And Secondary Trauma

SPEAKER_00 20:31

So we both were pretty adamant, like he's gonna go back to work. And um, he had uh he had been talking with kind of some other officers and had heard a statistic that uh when a an officer is involved in like a critical incident or an officer involved shooting, that they typically leave the job within six months. And we both um, as I've kind of told you before, I'm like, I I'm not falling into any of these statistic kind of traps, you know. Um, and so for me it was I'm never gonna be a victim in this. And uh for him, it was also like, I'm not going to, you know, I'm I'm gonna come back and and do my job and and get through this. Um and he probably would have. However, um, he had two very traumatic calls um that he was riding along with. And one of those was uh the death of a young child. And at that point, he should not have been um doing any of the work. He should have just been riding along. Um, the deputy he was with uh had a child that was around that age, and that was just a real struggle. So so Jim really handled most of that call. Um, and then the second one was a neighboring county assist of an armed domestic. They had to clear roughly nine to twelve vehicles before they got up to the house. And then he had to cover the back door. And the officer that he was riding with at that time um had shouted movement at the back door, and Jim's covering the back door and has his firearm drawn.

SPEAKER_04 22:24

And at that was rough. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Yeah. At that point, I'm I recall him saying, like, I should not have been in that position. But it wasn't safe for him to just be sitting in the squad car. Right, right. So um that is ultimately, I would say, what what just did it in for us.

SPEAKER_04 22:44

So at that point, had uh yet so it happened in October, you know, get to July throughout that time. Had he gone to like therapy or done anything like that or yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

So he had seen um the psychiatrist in Des Moines and had his evaluations and whatnot done, and then was um seeing a therapist. COVID happened, shut all of that down. Um, he so he did do therapy a couple of times through Zoom, but it just, I feel like some people can do it through Zoom and some can't. Yeah. And that Zoom was just not, it wasn't therapeutic for him. So, and he also was like, We're we're really just sitting and talking about horses, ironically. Um, because she had horses and uh he was just getting into the horse thing with me. And so it was kind of like, what, you know, why am I why am I doing this? And he did continue his um mental health stuff and medication management through a just his primary care doctor.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

So I'm curious. So in a couple other episodes, we've talked about WCPR and how you went to the spouse retreat. Yep. So I can't remind me what year you went to that.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

I went in March of 2024. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 24:04

So what made you, you know, want to go to that retreat or made you um realize that that's something that you needed? Was it some was it anything to do with like this incident and the stress that maybe came from that and and added to you know already trauma that was already there and stuff? But what what made you, you know, go go that route?

Retirement, Therapy, And COVID Gaps

Marriage Strain And Identity Clash

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Yeah, so it was definitely related to this. And I it's it's interesting because I mean, at that point, four years had passed. And I had I'm gonna back up just a little bit to kind of explain what what brought me to why I had to go to the retreat. Yes, I feel like, and a lot of it was like I told you, we had Jim and I had a very interesting um, I guess, scenario here in the sense that he retired, and as you know, typically with law enforcement, the law enforcement family, if you're in, you're in, and if you're not, you're not. And so there was only one officer that continued to reach out to Jim for years after he left. I was, I was still involved. I was working at this department, still not like for the department, but doing the mental health services for this department. And so I went to work there every day. That's where I officed, that's what I did. And so I had this really, I really struggled in the sense of Jim has left this family and isn't involved in it, and nobody reaches out to him or anything, but I'm still here and I'm still in it. And so what I what I've really how I've kind of explained it for myself is that I was straddling these two high-speed trains that are next to each other. And at some point, these tracks are gonna veer off in opposite directions. And for me, it was which train am I jumping on to? Is it my career and work, or is it my marriage and my family? That's an interesting thought. Yeah, and it was it was really tough. And as you know, like things get difficult at at these departments and your friendships ebb and flow and and whatnot. And so there had been a lot of up and downs with that, but then also that's where I spent most of my time because I worked every day. I loved what I did. I would stay and work as many hours as possible, but that's kind of my way of staying away from everything else, is I will work to avoid everything else. So fast forward, um, we had a child in July of 2021. And so I would also say that some postpartum stuff was mixed in there. But at that point, Jim had been home from work um for several years. And by the time I was going to the retreat, um he had been home with our son for two years. But I really struggled with kind of his motivation and um him kind of him being depressed and and not doing anything about it, and just I mean, he wouldn't leave the house for as long as possible. Um, and we kind of joked because I uh I came home one day and he was wearing these um army green sweatpants and like a turquoise ariott shirt. And I was like, you have got to be kidding me. Like it doesn't match. I'm so I don't know. I I don't know. I'm like, I'm so grossed out. What is he doing and wearing? And and like I, yeah, I just I laughed because that was kind of where I finally was like, this is it. Um but what it was was it was a buildup of like, I'm at work all day. Why aren't you getting all of the housework done? Um, you're spending excessive amounts of time on your computer, playing games, watching videos, TV from it, whatever. Um, just kind of completely withdrawn from everything. And so I was just really, really struggling with that. And at that point, um I had actually talked to my mom and told her um, I'm done. I'm going to sell my horses and I'm going to I want to sell the acreage and then buy a house in town for my son and I. And um it took a little while. I would talk to Jim about it, and it would be progress for two weeks and then right back to the same thing. And then two weeks and back to the same thing. And I'm going to share something that I have, I don't really openly talk about this. This was a a one-time experience for me, but this is why I made the call to um WCPR uh First Responder Support Network, is because I had gone to the doctor and had been started back on um an antidepressant. Um, it was one that I had had taken several years ago and it worked great. Um the second night that I took it, I had um some pretty intense uh suicidal ideations. Um as I laid there in bed, I actually put this whole plan together and how I was going to do it, where I was going to do it, make sure that it was away from home so that, you know, home was not a place that Jim couldn't return to, sort of a thing. Um, and I got up and I walked out of the bedroom and there was Jim sitting on his computer. And that was kind of a like, holy shit moment, but also like that's my safety right there. Like that person is my safe place. And so at that point, I I made the call. Like I had been researching and researching, and I come across them finally, and I made that call.

SPEAKER_04 31:04

You were just looking online and came across it.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

Yeah. I couldn't, I mean, because I That's a God thing. It is. It really is. Because I had been going to to therapy. Um, but therapy only goes so far. I I knew I needed something more intense. Um they mask it by calling it a retreat. Like I didn't know what I was going to. I know my family definitely thought I was like going on this like week-long vacation. Um yeah, it was yeah. So that's I made the call and um interesting. Didn't know that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:43

So going back just a little bit to like that specific shooting incident, right? And the you know, his time off work and going back to work and then retiring, all the stuff. How I can't imagine like just the amount of stress that would go into the you know into your your relationship at that point. What when did you get married officially, if you don't mind me asking?

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Yeah, so we got married in uh May of 2021.

SPEAKER_04 32:11

Okay, so it'd been the year after he retired then. So you guys had a pretty big two years of a lot of things and a lot of stress. So how would you say, I guess that that, and this might be I mean, take it, you know, take it how you want and answer it how you want, but like how did that affect your relationship with God at all? Like that amount of stress and that specific incident, and you know, having a husband that was struggling with his own mental health, and then, you know, things that you've been through and you're struggling with, maybe past traumas and stuff like that. But like, what did that do for, I don't know when you became a Christian, but what did that do for, you know, you and your relationship with God? Do you feel like it brought you closer? Do you feel like it brought you through a few valleys? Like, what do you what's your perspective on that?

A Dark Night And A Lifeline

SPEAKER_00 33:02

Well, I was I was such an angry person during that time. Um, I talked about how the smallest things would set him off. Um I I was angry. I and that's where I say like I worked all the time to to avoid being around that. Um and so at I would say at that point that no, I I was not um reaching out or seeking God during that time. Um I was, I mean, we went, this is terrible. We went to church and and then you know, and then COVID shut church down and that sort of stuff. So um, but at that point, like, no, it was I was it was sink or swim for me and I was I was sinking, and there was I was not able to to keep my head above water. Um, and I'm when I say like I was angry, like Jim could be sitting on the couch next to me reading a book and I'm watching TV or scrolling on my phone, and just his presence, like I recall literally being like, it's pissing me off that you're breathing the same air that I'm breathing right now. Like we're not talking or, you know, like we're just in each other, the presence of one another. Um, and actually I got in my car one night and I left. And I I put we put our kid to bed and I left and went and sat at like a park and ride for like two hours. And that was after one of those up and down two-week good back to and at that point I had said, like, hey, you have two weeks to get a job, or you need to be out if you're not out, or if you don't have a job and have something figured out um on this Friday by 4 p.m., you need to pack your things and go stay with your mom. Um, I laugh a little bit because his response was like, no, I'm not. This is my house. So I'm not leaving.

SPEAKER_04 35:10

Um so when did that uh when did that start to shift a little bit?

Finding Support Through WCPR

SPEAKER_00 35:15

Like you felt the anger start to dissolve and kind of well, I got to speak to this wonderful, amazing woman named Sequoia from First Responder Support Network. Yes, I know who that is. And one of our phone interviews was like an hour or an hour and a half long, and I was actually at Target. And I just remember that I like went to the dog tree aisle and just hung out there and just talked with her on the phone for an hour, and she was God sent. I mean, just the things that she was saying to me and the I'm even I'm getting teary-eyed now, like just the the love, the support, the way that she listened just changed everything for me. And then fast forward to going out to the retreat, and um, we had chapel every morning, and that was, I mean, I think it was from like 7:30 to 745 or something every morning. And the the chaplain that that uh led it was she was so amazing. She was one of the most phenomenal people that I've most phenomenal people I've ever met. She was she was just great. And she loved everybody. And it was no matter where you're at in your faith at this point. Um, and you don't even you don't have to come. I don't think I went to chapel the first two days, maybe. And then after that, I was like, I can't believe that I I missed this opportunity. It was so wonderful. And then just from there, like, because she was involved and there with us the entire time, um, to build that relationship and and to kind of find that path um that path back to God and realizing um that that love is there and it's you know, and it led me back to kind of where I'm at now. And um, I mean, I would say the growth has been exponential now since then.

SPEAKER_04 37:33

So how are, you know, you come back from the retreat, um obviously things aren't solved overnight, right? So how are you and Jim now?

SPEAKER_00 37:48

Now in this moment, like today, yeah. Couldn't be better.

SPEAKER_04 37:53

That's amazing.

Faith Rekindled And Daily Chapel

SPEAKER_00 37:53

It is. I mean, like I I feel like you you kind of have like those those stages of of marriage. And at this point, like so we went to the marriage retreat, and um the topic this this year was um cherishing your spouse. And so we had talked about um cherishing your spouse and showcasing your spouse. And I Jim's love language is words of affirmation, and I'm terrible about that. Um, but I'm getting better. I'm have been practicing it and and being um just really making sure that I'm doing that for him. Um, but I feel like we've gotten to the point in our marriage now where it's like you're past that honeymoon phase, you're you are kind of you've gotten through all of the hard stuff. And so it's like you just fall in love with that person more and more. And we're to the point now that like we're actually we're growing together. Um, we can have those hard conversations. One of the things that I learned at the retreat was um that I can't expect him to read my mind. I need to tell him what I need from him. I need to also tell him how I need him to communicate with me so that I'm going to be receptive. And so a big thing for me was that law enforcement frame of mind is problem solving. Okay. They're every day, that's all they do, problem solve for other people. And so for me, that's also what I do. I'm problem solving for people and I'm telling them what, you know, what they need to do in their lives and and how to to become better people. Something at the retreat that I learned was that it's okay to tell your spouse that I don't need you to solve this problem for me. Like I want you to just sit down and let me vent and just listen. Uh, if I want you to problem solve with me, I will ask for that. And if I just need a hug, then I just need a hug.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

So that was something that also really changed things for Jim and I was figuring out how to communicate with one another. And also for him to be able to say, hey, um, you're being a an angry, mean person right now, or you're doing this or you're doing that. And for him to communicate that to me in a way that I'll be receptive to it and not go into like defense mode.

SPEAKER_04 40:30

You know, one thing I hope that people get out of this episode as we start to kind of wrap up is marriage is incredibly difficult. And I feel like I'm not married, so correct me if I'm wrong here, Brianna. But I feel like, first of all, marriage is difficult, but second, it becomes like a whole nother level of difficult when you throw in being married to a first responder because then you throw in, you know, cops go to work every day, and I mean I was a cop for almost six years, and you really don't trust, I mean, you're you're trained almost like not to trust people and what that they say to you and things like that. So I can only imagine communication in a marriage with somebody that was a first responder, is a first responder, is that's a whole nother level of um hard. So one thing I hope that the people do get out of this episode is marriage is difficult, but marriage is a whole nother level of difficult when it comes to a first responder and the trauma that they see and the trauma that they have been through, um, you know, in their personal lives and at work and stuff like that. But it's not impossible. I mean, Brianna's sitting here right now, and it was six, six years ago, roughly, that the shooting was. Yep. And um, but her and her husband are in a better place now than they ever have been, right?

Communication, Love Languages, Repair

SPEAKER_00 41:53

So yeah, I would absolutely say like Jim's my life partner, like we've got this. There's nothing that we can't tackle together at this point. It's crazy how God can use like a shooting, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

Something like that, something that you know we see is really bad and turn it into something that I mean, look at you guys now, right?

SPEAKER_00 42:12

Two kids later. You have no idea what God has done in my life and in my marriage in just this last year. Like, I when I started talking to Daniel and wanting to get involved in this, um, I didn't think I was going to be able to jump head first and and be as active as I have been because I need to be a full-time working mom. And God saw that no, that's her passion. And I'm a person that helps people and I'm going to do all things to make it possible. And like Jim and I are still in awe and still talk about like, you know, look, look at what he did for us. Look at how he came through for us to be able to have what we have, everything that we we have, everything we need, and to be able to take care of our kids and have just have the life that we have and the marriage that we do now. And so I'm, I mean, a couple of years ago, I would have told you that no, that's never going to happen. God's not going to do that for us. And I don't know. It's just, it has the stars have aligned. It has put me here uh with the 1042 project and doing what I'm doing. And I'm yeah, I'm in a wonderful place. My husband's in a wonderful place in our marriages.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

So last question before we we wrap up this episode. If there's somebody that's listening to this episode right now, and just say, you know, husband, wife, whoever it is, and their spouse is a first responder that is dealing with car wreck, shootings, any trauma that you can think of at work, and it's very apparent that they're struggling. What would you say to that spouse to help them? I don't want to to help the the spouse realize that they're they're not alone and that that there's there truly is hope. Like they're it's not it's not the end when uh when someone's struggling.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

Yeah. So first off, I would say um it's okay to struggle. It's okay to kind of not know exactly what's going on with your partner. Um, and I also would say that go get help for yourself. That was huge for me. Yes, was going to therapy for myself. Um, I often joke that there's Gemini's marriage would not have survived marriage counseling because I would have said things, because remember, I was very angry. I would have said things that I could have never ever taken back or we couldn't have come back from. And so it's important to take care of yourself because you can't take care of somebody else if you're not um, you know, good or in a good place for yourself. Um, also it I would say ask those questions. Ask your spouse, what do you need from me so that I can help you, so that I can be beneficial to you. Um instead of just constantly throwing, like, you need this, you need therapy, you need, you know. Um, ask what they need. Ask them what kind of questions do you want me to ask and can and be that listening ear for them, but take care of yourself and and know that there's resources for you right here in Iowa. Um, like I had said, I was Google searching anything and everything to try to find something for myself. Um, we are a couple of years out from that and and it's here now. Like what you need is is here. I would still encourage spouses when you need something um in-depth and hardcore to to do the SOS retreat. And if you're needing help with um, you know, starting that process, funding, don't let any of those things become barriers. Um, you have the resources here to help you with that.

Hard Truths About First Responder Marriage

SPEAKER_04 46:03

So it's beautiful, it's a good way to end it. Yeah. Um last thing is do you know your email? And if anybody out there that's struggling, um a spouse or whatever, and you just want to talk to somebody and maybe get a little guidance or something like that, I'm sure, correct me if I'm wrong, uh Brianna would be more than happy to speak with you and um walk through some things with you.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Yeah, absolutely. And um, my email address is Brianna at 1042-project. 10-42. What did I say?

SPEAKER_04 46:39

1042-project. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. Well, um we'll get her. We struggle with this a lot for anybody that's listening.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

So one more time. Brianna at 10-42project.org. That's it. Yeah. Yes. And Brianna is spelled differently. Um, B-R-E-A-N-N-A. So, yes, please reach out. I'm uh definitely happy to help and and be a listening ear or connect you with resources.

SPEAKER_04 47:12

And I hope you guys took some good stuff from this episode, and we'll see you in the next one.