A Daughter's Story From Dakota Brown

A room full of uniforms. A visitation line where strangers know stories you’ve never heard. Dakota takes us into the disorienting days after her dad's suicide ,a state trooper, and the long, uneven path that followed. 

We walk through the crowded rituals of grief and the quiet that follows.  Dakota shares how plans to fight wildfires collapsed under the weight of mental health, and how she found new footing through the discipline of taxidermy, the challenge of falconry, and the living history of World War II reenacting. Along the way, horses become a steady mirror: they test confidence, reward clarity, and invite presence without pretense.

This conversation also reaches every first responder, veteran, and parent wrestling with the lie that distance protects your family. We talk openly about isolation, shame, and the ripple effects on children who still want your time, even when life is messy. Faith runs through the episode as a quiet strength, not a shortcut; an invitation to move from monologue to dialogue, to ask for help, and to model vulnerability that breaks generational patterns.

If you’ve ever wondered how to show up when you feel unworthy or how to heal when you’re angry at the past, this story offers both empathy and a way forward. Listen, share with someone who needs hope, and if this hits home, subscribe and leave a review so others can find it. Your presence matters more than your perfection.

If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline. 

To contact us directly send an email to  Dan@10-42project.org  or call 515-350-6274
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Transcript

Prayer And Welcome At The Ranch

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Let's pray real quick. Heavenly Father, we just thank you for this time. God, we just put our minds, Father, in at ease. God, we just set in your presence. Calm nerves. Father God, just give us the words to say. You know, the people that are listening, the people that are hurting, the people that need to hear the words that are being said. Father, give us the words that they need to hear to find out about your love and to be drawn closer to you. God, please allow this time to be a healing time. God, allow your name to be the healing name over all of this and the guidance over all of this. God, we do this for you and in your name. Amen. Welcome back to another episode of the Shared Voices Podcast. This is Daniel, and I've got a uh special guest today. My wife Christina is back with us today. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Hello, it's so good to be back.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

It's good to hear your voice. Back on the podcast. We used to hear before you've been pretty busy with work and it's been a minute. Is it nice to be back?

SPEAKER_02 1:25

It is. I've missed this so much. So thank you for having me today.

Introducing Dakota And Her Dad’s Death

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Well, yeah, you're kind of a big part of the organization. And we're back out the horse ranch today. What do you think? Pretty cool place. A little muddy today. We're gonna um record and then we're gonna do some um equine assisted training after this. Right now we're all looking out the window at these beautiful horses coming in. But we're excited to be back. Um if you've listened to our episodes in the past, we had a couple episodes with Lindy Brown. Um, and she talked about um her life experience and with her her first husband who committed suicide, who was a state trooper, and we walked through that and the toughness of it, as y'all could imagine. Um, and she was so gracious to just share her heart and to be able to she wants to use her voice to help bring the healing name of Jesus to people and to bring healing and to let people know that you you're not alone, you don't have to walk alone. Um and those just her two episodes were amazing. We thank her for that. And today we have a special treat. Um, we have her daughter Dakota, and Dakota, thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_03 2:36

I'm glad to be here.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

And this is gonna be a unique perspective. Um, as you can probably hear my voice, I feel like I'm a little bit on eggshells. Um sometimes when I interview people, it can be I'm always afraid I'm gonna say stupid things, and if you know me, you understand why I would worry about that. As my wife is laughing.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

We still love you.

The Last Argument And The Night Of

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Yeah. But Dakota, thank you so much for being here. Yeah, of course. I've gotten to know you, and I just I love everything about you. Your smile, like your joy. Um you just I'm trying to say she's a great person. Yeah, you just bring joy like where you go. I hope you know that. And I see it in your mom too. Like, yeah. I see the Holy Spirit. This is fantastic. So thanks for being here. And you went through um, you went through some rough times here over the last five years or so. Yeah. Um if you don't mind, I would it we can just kind of jump right into that. You lost your dad to suicide. Yeah, and you were a young girl, and you wanna I had just turned 18. Just turned 18.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

So um I'm a September baby, and he committed suicide in March of 2021. So I had just turned 18, and I had just uh I was just getting to the end of my second semester of college, actually. And so I wasn't at home at the time. I was not living at home at the time. Uh two weeks prior, I had that was the last time that I spoke to him. Um I had had a headlight out on my truck for like a month and a half, something like that. It was a ridiculous long time, and I was he said that he would take care of it, and I was waiting for him to say that he'd gotten the parts so that I could come up and he could fix it. And I didn't hear from him, and I didn't hear from him, and I didn't hear from him, so I went over to my uncle's, and he's a mechanic, so he just jerry-rigged it for me and patched it up, and I was like, okay, well, I'm in the area, so I might as well go stop at my parents and maybe spend the night there. And I got there and I came in, and I was also proud of myself because it was the first time that I'd taken the initiative to pair some patch something up on my truck, and I was like, Ryan took care of it, you know, it'll hold me over until you get the parts in, and he lost it. He was so upset. Um, because apparently he'd had the parts for a while and just didn't get around to telling me. And so I listened to him yell for a little bit, and then I was like, okay, I'm going back to grandma and grandpa's I'm not dealing with this. Yeah. So um that was the last time that I talked to him.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

And that was how many days before you got the news?

SPEAKER_03 5:26

About two weeks.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Two weeks.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

So So you were in college then when this occurred?

Visitation Shock And Outsider Grief

SPEAKER_03 5:33

Yep. The night of, I remember very vividly because I was actually um having issues online. Um, I was in like a big group chat and there had been a fight, and I was very anxious about it. So I stayed up until like 1.30 or so, and I finally fell asleep. And then and then my mom was there. And I just woke up very slowly, and I was like, Oh, we're uh what are you doing here? And yeah, it didn't feel real, it felt like a dream. Yeah, and she was like, You should come out to the kitchen, and I walked out, and my grandma and grandpa were at the counter and they were crying, and there were cops there, and I was like, Okay, what's going on? You know, something's happened, and I don't remember being told. I remember standing around for a while and just not feeling like it was real, and then we got into one of the squad cars, and we drove to my aunt's house and I fell asleep.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Yeah, so you drove in this squad car over there?

SPEAKER_03 6:53

Yeah, it was a nice squad car. It was one of the undercover chargers. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

In the front seat, I hope. I hope they were taken care of. Yes, I was in the front seat.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

It was very cushy. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

So did you know when mom showed up? Did you was did you kind of know something right away?

Support Versus Overwhelm At Services

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Not right away. It was it was very foggy. Yeah. And I was like, uh, dream? Is this a dream? This has to be a dream because you're not at grandma and grandpa's house. But yeah, no, it had a it the memory has a very dreamlike quality to it. It's very fuzzy. Um doesn't quite feel real. But then the next morning I got a call from the job that I had applied to, and they were like, You've been accepted. When can you start? And I was like, Oh, no. Uh I have had a family emergency, and I I don't know when I can start. And she's like, Oh no, I totally get it. It's totally fine. Uh, we'll call you back here in a couple days and see where you're at. Cool. Okay, hung up, got right on the phone with my therapist because I also had a therapy appointment. And I was like, boy, how many am I glad that I have an appointment with you today? And uh explained to her what happened, and she was like, Oh, well, I'm not qualified for this. I am a college counselor, not a licensed therapist. So I I can't really help you with this, but I can recommend that you get a therapist, and I'm like, Yeah, yeah, that's probably a good idea. So, yeah, and then it was it's kind of a blur from there. I don't really remember a whole lot between then and the visitation that we had, which was just the visitation was a lot because there were just tons and tons and tons of people. It was probably four hours, four hours of just dad's friends just coming in and coming in and coming in and coming in, and family friends and family, and just a blur and tons of stories that I had never heard about him, and uh comments about how he was so helpful to them all the time, and he was always over there helping them, and it was like, wait a minute, he was never at our place, and then his best friend's family came in, and all the kids are crying like it was their dad who died, and I was like, We haven't seen you in a year and a half. Well, it turns out he was over there every single week having dinner with them and helping them with stuff, and uh they were more upset about this than we were, it was bizarre, it was so bizarre, and uh and the uh the funeral home couldn't get the CD that we set up to work, so it was just one song on loop for the entire four hours.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

Oh no, yeah, was it a good song?

SPEAKER_03 10:21

Yes, it was um yes, it was Pay No Rent by Turnpike Troubadours over and over and over and over and over and over for four hours straight. Wow, it was wonderful, yeah, it was terrible. And uh yeah, I don't even remember all the people that came through. A lot of them I didn't even know. I didn't know their names, they hadn't seen me since I was little, and tons of people. And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Could you have done without all of that? Um did you appreciate some of it?

SPEAKER_03 11:02

I appreciated some of it. One story that I remember very vividly was the story of him at the governor's ten, because apparently he had been invited to shoot at the governor's ten, which is a shooting competition, and he showed up late and hung over because he'd gone drinking the night before, and he forgot his gun, and he borrowed somebody's gun and won the competition. Wow, you can shoot. Yeah, I don't remember who recounted the story to me. I don't think that I knew them, but they were buddies of his from when he was in the military, and they seemed like they was a fond memory, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Was there any anything that stuck out to you at that time as being um I guess feeling particularly like supportive, you know? Is there anything that someone did or said that did help you during that time?

SPEAKER_03 12:03

I was very disconnected from it.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah.

Funeral Missteps And Surreal Moments

SPEAKER_03 12:06

I was distantly happy that so many people had showed up. Yeah. And I was very happy that they were taking care of mom. Yeah. But I was disconnected from it. I didn't want anything to do with it. Yeah. Um, especially since I didn't know most of them. I was like, who are you? Why are you here? Right. This is supposed to be family.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

But did mom feel like that too? Like when because I'm just curious, when that's going on, is that are we helping the people or are we hurting the people when we're showing up in massive waves like that? Because you all are trying to grieve as well. You know what I mean? We all try to show up and be loving, but at the same time, you guys are stuck for four hours trying to smile with people you probably don't even remember or know.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Hey everybody, this is Lindy.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Hi, Lindy.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Hi. So uh for me, it was it's a lot. I mean, it's a lot, but it's good. Like having people around is good and and feeling that support is really good. Um looking back, I think I don't know if I mentioned this during my interview, but um looking back, I would have waited, I would have waited longer to um then have the visitation and the celebration because there was it was just such a shock uh factor. And I was um in just uh planning and moving forward mode. Um so yeah, to answer your question, it's it's so good to have people around. But again, it was a blur the whole night was Yeah, I can only imagine it's a lot to deal with.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Yeah, and then again, uh to me, I you have to kind of put on these fake smiles, and sometimes it can be hard. So I just wanted to ask, like, is that helpful or hurtful? So thank you for answering that. What were you saying?

SPEAKER_02 13:53

Well, and I'm just curious from you know, your perspective, the the child's perspective, where maybe you weren't involved in as much of the planning and stuff, what that I guess period of time was like for you. Because like I hear about you know, people busy with the planning, but like you don't have that distraction.

Aftermath, Denial, And Work Collapse

SPEAKER_03 14:13

Yeah, I wasn't I don't have a good memory of it. Yeah, I don't remember how long it was between when he died and when we had the visitation, and the time between when we had the visitation and when we had the funeral. I don't know how long that was. Yeah. Even now, I don't know how long that was. So um there's no memories that I can remember between then and now, except for when mom told me the story um of what happened, which is what she recounted on her last episode. Um, and finding out that she had cremated the body three days prior. And yeah. So I do remember trying to pick an outfit for the visitation and being like, this is so stupid. This is so stupid, this is so weird. Who cares what clothes I'm wearing?

SPEAKER_00 15:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

I did like the outfit that I picked out for it though.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Good.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

Well, I know when I was dealing with my addictions and guilt and shame, and I was very suicidal, and I was pushing my family away. I did a lot, honestly, I did a lot of the stuff that your dad did. Um because when I was around my family, I just felt like all I would do was cause them pain. So sometimes it felt easier to go hang out with somebody else's family where I can put on my fake face and feel wanted and needed, and you're funny, and you're like that, and then go back to my own family where I didn't didn't know how to like open up. And I and I know that my kids went through this a little bit, and I I can hear it in in your voice is there's some anger around why didn't dad spend that time with me? He spent all that time with other people like I did. I was out fishing with other people, doing going to the bars doing these things, like that was stolen time.

SPEAKER_03 16:06

Um only a little bit of anger.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

Well and I'll touch on it more when we get to the funeral part of this, but like the visitation was like the start of me realizing that oh, he wasn't just not here, he was actively spending time with other people when we could have used him on the farm, or I could have been well, hell, he could have taken me with him. A lot of these trips were like to help go mow hay for people and and bale their hay and stack firewood and and stuff like that. And it's just like we used to do things like that all the time. And he used to take me hunting all the time. And it's just and then to find out that he was doing it with his best friend's kids instead. It was just it was so upsetting.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

That's your daddy, he wanted his time.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. And so from what I'm hearing from you, that I think really resonates is that the truth of the matter is, even if he didn't see it that way, the child still wants that time with their parent. Like other hard stuff may be going on. Maybe to your point, Daniel, you know, you felt like, how do I do this? How do I interact with my family? You know, I've done these things, but the kid still wants that time. Like through the hard stuff, I want the time.

SPEAKER_04 17:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:48

Well, we didn't realize what was happening.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Yeah.

Dreams Derailed And Mental Health Crash

SPEAKER_03 17:52

Um, I do remember like a vague change in his behavior. It would have been looking back, it would have been after he came back from his uh first deployment. Um, which is consistent with what mom said, but I just I remember like being daddy's girl all the time. And he would play wrestle with me and take me hunting and do all this stuff, and we would go to people's farms and and I was his helper while we were running errands and stuff, and then it stopped. And he wasn't as affectionate, and I didn't understand why.

SPEAKER_04 18:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:38

And how would you, you know? I was six. Yeah, I wouldn't have known. Yeah. Um and even as I got older and I could do those things. We we would have good days. I would go deer hunting with him. I would go we did a couple of tri small trail rides together. Um but it just it wasn't the same thing. Yeah, he was gone all the time.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

So and so that that was the stuff that kind of contributed to where you guys were at in your relationship at that point in time. Yeah. Yeah. And you said so you were at you'd gone to the you guys had had the services.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

We'd had the visitation.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

And then sometime later was the funeral, and just tons of people showed up. Majority cops from like county and state patrol, just tons of them everywhere. It was bizarre. Yeah. It was really bizarre. And uh I mean, I don't want to say anything bad about the funeral home, but the guy that they gave us was kind of weird. He uh he pretended to know dad, and he like took bits and pieces of what we told him and extrapolated on it. So like he said dad's favorite song was Take Me Home Country Roads and tried to sing it. OD Yeah. He got out a guitar and everything.

Anger, Keepsakes, And Making Peace

SPEAKER_00 20:29

It was Are You Serious?

SPEAKER_03 20:31

It was so unserious. It was hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

It sounds like a sitcom.

SPEAKER_03 20:34

It was it was he messed up the lyrics and everything. It was so bad.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

What was what is his favorite song? Um not that one.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

No, not that one.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

The one that played on repeat at the visitation?

SPEAKER_03 20:49

One of them was that one, yeah. He had like a a top 20 or so that he would play all the time. And yeah, so I don't know what his favorite song was, but I know that he had several.

SPEAKER_04 21:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:05

Take me home country was not it.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

Lily wants to jump in here. But the funny thing is, is I know that like looking back now, he would have been laughing about that. Yeah. Because that was his sense of humor too. Like, yeah, you're you don't know me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

So that kind of took me out of the sadness and seriousness of it all. I was like, who is this guy?

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:30

Why is he saying these things? This is so bizarre.

SPEAKER_00 21:33

And this is nowhere near what you went through, but at my grandma's funeral, all of a sudden we're sitting there and they played a Kermit the Frog song. Like everybody's grieving all of a sudden this Kermit the Frog song came on. And I mean, it went from to everybody looking around and laughing and like, what is this? And then somebody said, Your grandma liked this song.

SPEAKER_05 21:54

Like from the mupple? Kermit the Frog! Oh my gosh. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

It was it was like the bizarre, like, what just happened? Yeah. It was yeah, so let's not do those of two girls.

SPEAKER_03 22:08

I mean, the levity can be helpful. I know it was helpful for me because I was like, I was like, who are these people? Why are they here? Why are they all upset? Yeah, dad did not know this many people. Yeah. Which he probably did. He just never told us about them.

SPEAKER_05 22:24

Yeah.

New Paths: Taxidermy, Hawks, Reenacting

SPEAKER_03 22:25

And yeah, all of them had stories about him. Every single one of them was like, oh yeah, we would sit on the overpass and and and talk and kill time while we were on shift together. And oh, I saw him responding to this accident this one time, and he was great, and he did this and that. And it was like, okay. He only told us the traumatizing stories. So uh I don't know who you are, sorry. Um oh yeah, he came over after work and and chopped wood with me for hours and hours and helped me stack all this wood, and it was great, and we really appreciated him, and he was so helpful to everybody, and it was like, where was my dad?

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

It was totally that way. It was like, who was this person? Because he never treated us like that.

SPEAKER_05 23:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

So after the funeral, and kind of all that busy season slows down, right? Because that happens, you have all these people coming and going. I know for me it was always harder when like everybody left, and then you now had to deal with it. Was going from that busyness to that quietness of reality, was that that had to be quite the journey.

SPEAKER_03 23:56

Reality didn't hit.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 23:58

I was in denial for at least a month after that because nobody else was around, and all of a sudden it was just oh, yep, he's in his usual routine of never coming home. He's at work, he's helping other people, he's not here.

SPEAKER_05 24:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

And yeah. And I was working at the time too. I'd taken that job, and so I was like, I can start in two weeks, and that was not good. Don't do that. Um I took a job and I was gone all the time because I was working, and that was terrible. Um, I don't remember a whole lot of this because my brain is totally fried, but um it sucked.

SPEAKER_04 24:43

Yeah.

Community Help And Mentorship Hurdles

SPEAKER_03 24:44

Even though it was a job that I really wanted to be in, um, because I was going to college for parks and natural resources. And so I was at Benton County Conservation, and I was, you know, helping them with their animals in the nature center, and I was interacting with the public, and I was doing all this stuff that I really wanted to do. And it was not there. I wasn't there.

SPEAKER_05 25:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:09

So they decided that I wasn't motivated enough, and they fired me like two months in.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Well, I hope if that's what you want to do, you get your foot back in there somewhere else and I have decided against it.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

I'm on a different track now. But it'd be nice.

SPEAKER_05 25:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:27

So looking back on that, do you feel like you needed more time? Yeah. Teach us?

SPEAKER_03 25:31

Absolutely. Yeah. It uh I'm still not exactly on track with anything. It totally threw everything off. Before he died, I was two weeks out from being certified as a wildland firefighter. And I was gonna go out to Colorado and uh Nevada and Utah and fight fires.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

You were brave.

SPEAKER_03 25:58

It looked like so much fun.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:00

And the instructor that I had for my wildland firefighting class was so nice, he was so sweet. He um he's so encouraging to me because I had a ton of anxiety, and I was like, I can't do anything. And he's like, You can do this, you got it. Yeah, and uh I feel so bad that I let him down. But everything got thrown off the track. Absolutely everything that I had going was just out.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

As for anybody, I I mean, you're when your world's crushing down, it's hard to be able to focus on something positive and feed a bunch of life and passion into it when at that point you're like, I don't even know if I'm gonna be here, let alone do something passionate.

Hunting Invitations And Connection

SPEAKER_03 26:39

Well, at the time I was determined to just keep moving forward. I was like, this isn't that big of a deal. He wasn't that big in my life anyway. I was planning to leave as soon as possible anyway, so this is fine. And it was not actually fine, and I found that out very quickly. Yeah. Uh my mental health was like, actually, you're done. You've been running too hard for too long. Yeah. And uh yeah, everything hit me all at once. It was a wonderful train wreck.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

Yeah. So thank you for sharing this. I know it can be easy. And if you don't mind, from from that point to to like the time that you and I met, um, what's that roller coaster been like from you know the month or two before everything set in, or afterwards everything kind of set in and the reality came? Like the four years or so after that, what's been what's Dakota's life been like? Because I know it's a roller coaster for everybody when you're dealing with this.

Horses, Dad’s Legacy, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_03 27:39

Like it's been a lot of anger. Okay. It's been a lot of anger. It's just so it hit me very shortly after that he'd made us into a statistic. And I was like, oh, cool, we're part of that statistic. I love that. My mom's now a widow, thanks for that. I'm now without a dad, thanks for that. And just like every new thing that came across my table, like, oh, that's another thing that you did to us. Thank you for that. And uh couldn't look anywhere in the house without seeing something, all the way down to my hat, which I'm wearing today, is it was his hat on deployment. And all of the guns that he gave me for deer hunting, and then when I was working at the gun shop, uh they were all his first. And it's just like, wow, thanks for that. I can't get away from you even now. Which I've made my peace with that now, and I'm fine with that now. I like having parts of him around. But then it pissed me off so bad. I was so angry about it, and I just wanted something that was mine that wasn't his first.

SPEAKER_05 29:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:10

But yeah. Since then, I've tried multiple times to get my life back on track, and it's it's been a series of coincidences that I haven't been able to, but I mean, I've gotten into all sorts of other stuff since then. Um, I've tried taxidermy, and I've I started to get into hawking, and I got into reenacting, and I am looking into gunsmithing. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

What's hawking?

SPEAKER_03 29:47

Uh hunting with hawks. Oh, legit, like hawking.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Okay, I wonder if that's what you were talking about. That is cool. That is really cool.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

Yeah, it's very difficult to get into though.

SPEAKER_00 29:56

Dang.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

That's really neat. Yep. So if what if you could have like if money wasn't an issue the rest of your life, like what would you do with your life? Would it be the firefighting stuff?

SPEAKER_03 30:04

Would it be the um I mean firefighting seems fun, but I don't think I would go back to it now.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:13

Um, I would probably do taxidermy. Okay. If it wasn't, if money wasn't an issue and I could just start my studio right now, I'd do taxidermy. I love it. It's so much fun.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

Have you been through the like the classes and training and to be able to do that?

SPEAKER_03 30:31

Uh I shadowed a couple of taxidermists. Um I got like four months of instruction from one of them. Three months into not even three weeks into shadowing under him. I elected to go to the state taxidermy competition. So I yeah, I mounted a doe. It was the second deer that I'd mounted, and I took it to the state cat taxidermy competition. So I was very ambitious about it.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

That is so cool.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

But uh so to start a business like that, you just kind of need all the equipment and then it's a very high initial overhead cost. Hey, anybody that's listening that's uh that has anything to do with taxidermy. I know a bunch of you out there, because I know friends of mine. Um let's just try to come together and get some equipment for her. Let's get you guys what I'm talking about. Yeah. Like let's reach out, let's get some let's get a hold of me. Let me know what reps you guys use. I'll call them. And let's try to make this happen for her. Um that's something that should be pretty easy to get done. So let's get that, let's get that done. And then if you guys are out there that are taxidermis, um with the schools you went to, get a hold of me and let me know the training, the education, what that looks like, and who it was. And um, let's see if we can let's see if we can make this happen. Um so let's get on that in Jesus' name.

A Beloved Old Horse And Fears Of Loss

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Also, though, I want to say you have done so many cool things. Like, like I earlier you used the phrase like that you like haven't got your life together, but let me just say, as a boring person who has like a really boring, you know, like regular life. I guess no, you're yeah, you're the life of the party for sure at our house, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Yeah, that's the word.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

That's what we're gonna say. But you've done so many cool things, like so many fun things. Wow, and I love that. Like, I admire that adventurous heart, yes, yes. Like you are like, I don't know, just a cool, fun person. Like the things that you do is like that's amazing. I I I mean, clearly, couldn't, wouldn't, I don't know. Like, step out and do like a fun, cool thing. And I love that you do that. Like, that's amazing to me. That is a sign of like you live life, and I love that.

The Hard Truth: A Child’s Fear

SPEAKER_03 32:50

Yeah, it's me looking for a place because I have tried to work a regular job and it was very hard on my mental health. So I was like, okay, I need somewhere where I've got varied work, but I have a routine and I'm being held accountable, but also I'm my own boss, and it's like the older trades and the more lost arts, for lack of a better word, seem to fit me a lot better. So I was like, oh well, I could become a tax dermist. And so I was like, okay, what taxidermists are around here that I could go pick their brains about it? And uh I ended up with one, and then he was like, I don't have the time to teach you, so you know, here's the school that I went to, you should go look into that. And I was like, okay, cool. But I felt really bad about it because it felt like rejection, and I was like, oh, you know, he didn't want to be around me either. And uh, so then it kind of sat for a bit, and then I got hooked up with another taxidermist, and he had more or less retired, and he had a shop that I could just use. And he was like, Yep, you can have all my old clients and you can do this and that. And I was like, wait a minute, you've already taken the money for all of those clients. So if I do those, I'm not gonna get paid. Um I was like, hey, I have a problem with this, and he's like, Oh, well, you weren't motivated, so I got you, I got a different student.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Whoa, wow, yeah, we'll find you let's find her a different mentor. Like hey, Rocky Schoolville. If you're out there listening, or if you guys know Rocky, tell Rocky to get a hold of me. I'll call him too. He's like one of the best taxidermists around Rocky Schoolville. Oh, he's that dude is yeah, he's good. Yeah. So I'll find out what's cool and stuff, and let's get that figured out.

SPEAKER_03 34:42

Oh, I made some friends at the state taxidermy competition.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

That was at um the casino. Yeah. It was hosted there, and I was super apprehensive walking in, and just tons of super friendly, super sweet people who were so excited to see me there and totally wanted to help me. And so a bunch of them had gone to the same school that that first tax nervous had gone to, and they were like, She's getting out of it, actually. But if you want to, you can come shadow us, and we'll teach you. And I was like, that's awesome, absolutely. And then everything happened, and I was like, Oh, okay, we'll put this on the back burner. And so I do intend to get back into it eventually. It's just I don't have the money to burn.

SPEAKER_00 35:33

So do you yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:36

Most of the taxomists that I've met are absolute sweethearts. I love them.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Yeah, well, you're sweet, so I'm sure when you walk in, they're like, I mean, they're not gonna look at you and be angry and say no. Like, yeah, you're a sweet person. No. Um, so do you do any hunting? I don't use to with your dad. Do you do it anymore?

SPEAKER_03 35:52

Yes. I uh I deer hunt for the most part.

Breaking Isolation And Calling For Help

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Well, if you want to deer hunt this season, first like we have some we have a person who's donated some land for us to hunt down in southern Iowa. I meant down by the Lake Rathman. It is amazing southern Iowa. And if you want to come, you let me know, and I will like literally, like we have the spot, the blinds are already out there. Excuse me. We'll make it happen. Yeah, we'll make it happen. Yes, let's let's do that. And bring mom down too. Yeah, seriously. When we get down to this, we'll talk more about that because I want to get you down. And then I do want to ask you about this. Um last time when you and I were here, we were doing some equine assisted training stuff, and you and I spent some time kind of riding together, and I got to hear a little bit about you. I and correct me if I'm wrong, I really felt a spark in your heart about your dad's your dad and when he did work with horses. Like that was there was when you were talking about your dad so deeply and lovely about how he worked with horses and he was a natural and how he taught you some things. Tell me a little bit about that. Let's talk about the joyful part of because I see the spark in your eye with horses.

SPEAKER_03 36:59

Yeah. So my dad was a city boy.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

And he met my mom, and she was a country girl, and she brought him into horses. Okay. And so I might get some details wrong here, but she bought him his first horse. Okay. And she was just a halter broke yearling, and I told you, green plus green equals blue and black. But he worked through it and he he learned how to train with that horse. And from there, he got another one and he started training for other people. And he from what mom said, and some of mom's friends have said, he just kind of took to it very naturally. And so growing up he never seemed to have a problem with his horses. And I did.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

Um what do you mean by problem?

Final Reflections And Hope In motion

SPEAKER_03 38:01

So, like, horses will test you and horses will test you and test you, especially if they can tell that you're not super confident with them. And so when we moved and got horses with the property, the horse that I chose to stay behind when we got rid of the rest of them, uh could tell that I was not confident. And he tested me all the time. And then my dad would be like, This is not hard. Just do this. And he'd do the thing, and the horse would do it perfectly. And it's like, okay, I don't know how to do that. And so, yeah, there's um there's a lot of pressure to live up to that, which I'm getting over because he wasn't actually that good of a horseman. Um, it's just my memories make him seem like he was better than he was. Yeah. Um, and I've spent time talking to those friends of my mom's, and they have pointed out that very clearly he wasn't that good because the horse that he left behind is also not that good. So clearly there were some gaps in the training.

SPEAKER_00 39:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

And so I'm letting go of that image and coming to terms with the reality that I could probably be better.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:27

Um, with time.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

You are very knowledgeable with horses. Like when we heard last time, like you definitely have a gift for it.

SPEAKER_03 39:34

Like I've done a lot of reading. I've only had one horse that was my own in my lifetime. All of the others that I've ridden have been other people's horses. I got started on my dad and my mom's horses, and they were fantastic to start out on, except for they didn't listen to me at all because they liked my parents. And so it It didn't matter what I did, as soon as my mom came by, her horse would completely ignore me and just follow her.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

So do you have your own horse now?

SPEAKER_03 40:08

I do have my own horse. Um he is just retired. He just turned 30. And uh he's the one that came with the property. Yeah. And he has been a very good teacher for me. Um took my horsemanship forward and lease leaves him down. Um I'm a little emotional because I've had him for 13 years. Yeah. And he's my buddy.

SPEAKER_05 40:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

And I I'm really worried that I'm gonna lose him soon. Not that he's in bad health or anything, he's doing great. But he's old. It's yeah, it's just the idea of I'm going to lose him.

SPEAKER_00 40:51

Yeah. You're losing something else that you loved, and that's that's yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

He's a very special boy.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Yeah. Question. Why do you like tall horses? You pick the tallest horse we have out here. I mean, like towering. I look up at her, I'm like, whoa, she's like, I like tall horses. Dad's horse was tall, if I remember right.

SPEAKER_03 41:12

Lola is 16 hands, so she's four inches shorter than the horse out there. Um there's two reasons. First, I like to be able to see stuff.

SPEAKER_00 41:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 41:23

It's nice to be that tall because you can see things. Um, and then uh I do World War II reenacting. And German cavalry horses were warm bloods, and very, very few of them were under 16 hands.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

Oh wow. So didn't know that.

SPEAKER_03 41:40

I need a big horse.

SPEAKER_00 41:41

I like that. And that well, that horse was attached to you right away.

SPEAKER_03 41:44

Oh, he picked me. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

Like he was like I'm gonna lose my toenail over it.

SPEAKER_03 41:48

You need you need me today.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

Yeah, it is a wonderful horse that stepped on my toe, but that wasn't the horse's fault, though, because I got in the way of a horse trying to step on my toe. Like, or I got in front of a horse who was trying to step.

SPEAKER_03 42:01

Something like that.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here. I you're a blessing. I I'm proud of you. Thank you for coming on here. And I've said this to you last time, and this is very emotional, probably the most emotional recording I've done because I almost left my kids the way you got left. And my kids would have had a lot of hurt and pain and been like, dad was somewhere else, dad was doing that. And so when I hear it, I hear, I feel the other side of it.

SPEAKER_03 42:32

And you see what could have been.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Yeah. And it wasn't that because I did spend a lot of time with my kids, but not as much as I needed, and I and I loved them, but I never felt I didn't feel that I was safe around them. So I thought I was protecting them by not being home, by just being there when I needed to be, get in, get out. Like I felt like that was the better way of protecting. That's why if you heard me tell my story, I say I started to shed my family because I knew I was gonna be the end of my life, so I felt like if I could push them away, if I can make them hate me, if I can make them, if I can just stop communicating with them, get them used to not me be me not being around, if I can get then it, you know, things will be then I'll be able to do it, and it won't be so hard on them. That's the sick mind thought that I had going through it. And then I hear your side of it, which is what my kids would have been, where what I literally thought I was doing, because your your brain gets so twisted when you're dealing with trauma and stuff, where I thought I was helping my family and me being around, I didn't feel like anybody wanted me around, even though they did, right? It's just a perceived thing that we feel. Um, that I felt like to be a good dad, I needed to get away from them and allow them to just have a calm, safe house because I know when I walk in that house, I cause anxiety, I cause they walk on eggshells, they don't know who they're gonna get. So for me, it was easier to get off of work and go home, change clothes, and be like, love you guys, and go and head out to go be with somebody else. And it was sick and wrong and twisted the way I was doing it, right? Um, but in it it felt like love at that time. You know what I mean? So, like that's what trauma does, right? That's the lies, right?

SPEAKER_02 44:06

Like in your in your mind, you are rationalizing the choices that you make, which people do. Um, but that's why these conversations are so important. Yeah. Because there is always another person on the other side of that decision. Um, and that's why, you know, you talk to people a lot about the importance of bringing monologue to dialogue and speaking it out uh for scenarios just like this, you know, the stuff that you were thinking and choosing and your reasonings behind your actions, but there's a whole other experience that your loved ones are having. Um, and so that's why we're so grateful that you're here sharing your story because that's the perspective that we want to shed light to, you know, like Daniel can speak to that, but also, you know, if you're open to it, do you want to speak more about like what would what would you like to say in response, like the truth of you know, the what the child needs, what the family needs, you know. And only if you want to.

SPEAKER_03 45:11

I don't know how you guys want to cut this up because I forgot a very important aspect of this. Um, I think it was by the time I was 12 or 13, I was convinced that either he was going to kill us or he was gonna kill himself. Okay. So that's a very strange thing for a 12 or 13 year old to come to a very rock solid conclusion of.

SPEAKER_05 45:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

But it was not a surprise when he shot himself. Okay. I was like, oh okay. Yeah, it finally happened. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:48

And when my mom recounted the story to me and she told me that he had asked her to go for a drive, even though it was after the fact, and I was aware that things had happened the way that they had happened, I had an immediate irrational conviction that he had gotten her into the car to shoot her. And I was convinced about that. I was absolutely certain that that was the plan. So nobody should get to that point. No kid should ever think that. And uh I don't somebody can make of that what they will, yeah. But don't make your kids think that. Right.

SPEAKER_00 46:44

And that's why men and women are listening, first responders, parents. They're going through it. You know, we get so stuck and we think we're we're helping our families by being away from them. We're listening to the enemy's lies that they're better without us. Um it's it's a lie. There is an impact that that occurs. Like we have a role to fill here as fathers, as mothers. Um when we don't deal with our mental health, when we're not willing to go through the uncomfortableness of reaching out and getting help for ourselves, it causes a major ripple effect throughout the family. If we can just get past the uncomfortableness of just reaching out to somebody, if it's not our organization, another organization, and getting help for yourself. If you don't feel like doing it for yourself, then do it for your family. Because they're not better without you.

unknown 47:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:34

So please don't live in isolation, don't live in guilt and shame. Reach out. If you don't know how to be around your family because you're afraid you're gonna hurt them, if you don't know how to show up for your family, if you feel like the best ways to be away from them in your spare time, give me a call. I want to talk to you about that. Because I've been there, I've had those thoughts, I've I've done it. God loves you too much to leave you there. It matters what how we handle ourselves, how we handle trauma as as mothers and fathers. How we handle trauma shows our kids how to deal with trauma. When we can be willing to be vulnerable, open, honest, and transparent with our family, that it's that it's okay to not be okay. When we can show them how to how to how we talk out our feelings, how to you're not just changing you, you're changing your the family generation. You're teaching your children how to deal with trauma and stress. So when they come across it, they can handle it in a healthy way. And sometimes we feel like we're we're helping in a healthy way. And that's why we need others to come along and help us see the lies that are being told and the lies that are being said. So please don't no guilt, no shame. Reach out. I'd love to talk to you about this. I'm not gonna guilt or shame you. I've been there. Let's just have a conversation about it. Because it matters not just to you, it matters to your spouse, it matters to your kids, it matters to your grandkids, it matters to your family chain. So please reach out. Um if you're a child, if you're listening and maybe your parent gone through what Dakota has gone through and you don't know who to reach out to or who to talk, give us a call. We'd love a talk with you. And if if again, if our organization isn't a good fit for you, we'll help you find someone who is. We just want to get you help. So, Dakota, before we start to close out, is there anything else you wanted to share? Any closing thoughts?

SPEAKER_03 49:41

I think what you're doing here is very important.

SPEAKER_00 49:44

Thank you for being on.

SPEAKER_02 49:46

And what you shared is very important. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 49:51

And I think God had us all meet for a reason. I know that for sure. So, how about you and I go spend some time on horses? You want to go do that? Sound good to me. Giddy up. We'll see you guys next week.